The Shampoo Effect

And now...

2012-02-11T18:18:00.000-05:00

If you watched SportsCenter at all on Thursday you know that comedian Will Ferrell announced the starting lineups at Wednesday night's Bulls/Hornets game. In case you missed it, here it is...

Ferrell's intros reminded me of how I introduced the wedding party when my two friends got married last March.

It all started in November of 2010 when I got a call from my friend Grazi. Grazi is two years older than me and one of my brother Jimmy's closest friends. Although he's two years older Grazi and I are very close as well. His cousin Brady is my age and is one of my closest friends from high school.

So when Grazi called in November of 2010 and said, "So Maura and I have this wedding coming up in March" I immediately thought that he was going to ask me to be in his wedding party. Maura is a year younger than me and one of my closest female friends from high school. In fact, as Brady would point out in his best man speech, Grazi and Maura met at a party that my brother Jimmy and I threw at our parents' house.

Instead, Grazi asked if I would announce the wedding party. I used to work for Grazi's dad during the New York State Fair at the famous Villa Pizza Frite stand (fried dough) with Grazi. He made a bunch of CDs that blasted out from a speaker on the top of the triangular stand. On one of the CDs was the Chicago Bulls Entrance Music.

When the song played during the fair I would use by best announcer voice to announce our product as if it were a person...

"At guard, standing at an impressive 24 inches tall, it's hot, it's sweet, it's straight from the the fryer, it's Pizzzzza Fritttte!!!"

I would then mock introduce some of the people that were working with us.

So when Grazi asked me to introduce the wedding party I first asked who was in it and then what he had in mind.

He said, "You know, height, weight, college. At least that's what I told Maura."

"So you basically want me to rip people to shreds," I asked.

"Haha exactly."

A week or two before the wedding Graz asked for a rough draft which I emailed him and we were good to go. I'm fairly confident that he didn't show it to Maura. Nothing was that bad, but I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't have approved of everything.

After the wedding my friends and I went right to the hotel where the reception was to watch a Syracuse basketball game and we got wrecked pretty quickly. My buddy's dad started a tab at the hotel bar and things got out of hand in a hurry. I was hammered before we entered the actual reception.

During the cocktail hour Graz and I went into the dining area to run through the logistics with the MC. After he walked us through how things would work he handed me the microphone and began to give me some instruction, but I cut him off and dropped the most arrogant line of my life, "I work for ESPN Radio. I know how to work a microphone," or something to that effect.

Later on in the cocktail hour Grazi found me and told me to avoid Maura at all costs. Evidently she caught wind of something that I planned to say about one of her bridesmaids. This particular bridesmaid went to Notre Dame to play lacrosse and one night early in her senior year she got arrested for underage drinking at a house party. Don't ask me why, but her mug shot was posted online shortly thereafter. Now ironically enough, in the same week two other former athletes from my high school got in trouble with the law, so I decided to blog about it. 10 months later I got a call from her asking me to take down the post because her mug shot from this very blog was the first image that showed up when you googled her name. Despite Grazi and others telling me not to, I removed the post, but the image kept showing up (it's finally gone).

Grazi took me into the men's bathroom for a solid 10-15 minutes to hide from Maura. Brady was also in there rehearsing his best man speech, so it was quite a little meeting spot. Eventually we left and Maura caught up to us. She asked if I planned on mentioning her bridesmaid's arrest in my introductions and I told her that it wasn't bad and that no one would even notice. She asked if I would just say something else because the bridesmaid's mother would cry if I brought up the arrest. Behind her at the time was Grazi mouthing "do it" "do it" as his bride was asking me not to.

Eventually it was go time and I was more than sufficiently rocked. The intro in question just so happened to be the first one on the docket, so I didn't have the heat of the moment excuse. I didn't want to upset Maura on her special day, but I also knew that my joke was very tame, so I went with it.

The intros, set to the tune of the Chicago Bulls Entrance Music (Grazi extended the song significantly, so I didn't have to rush), went a little something like this...

And now the starting lineups for your 2011 Kenville-Zazzara wedding

Leading off, she’s got one of the best mugs around and he’s set to get married in 4 short months. The lovely Lauren Demello and Dave Marshall.

She’s from Boston College where they called her “sweats” and he’s the most pessimistic kid I know. It’s Katie Deblois and the Lycoming Warrior Tim Brown.

She’s a psychology major from Holy Cross and he’s got the brightest hair in the room (bright orange). Tracy Koval and Providence’s finest Ryan Kenville.

She’s straight off the boat from South Korea (she spent a year teaching English there and returned just in time for the wedding), in a few hours he’ll be a completely different person (he blacks out a lot and when he does his friends call him Mij), and he describes himself in just two words…”young” and “hot”. It’s Kim Jong SheIL-a Catanzarita, Jim Stanczyk, and Matt Cusano.

She’s from the front of the Villa and he’s straight from Mr. Hermo’s math class (my friend Hermo teaches math at our old highschool and he taught Grazi's little brother J.R.). Please give a warm welcome to Kathleen and J.R. Zazzara.

She’s Maura’s smoking hot friend from college (I knew nothing about her, but I had met her once and she's a smokehouse) and they call him “Trick Daddy”. It’s Katie Knudsen and Pat Kenville.

She’s Maura’s lovely little sister and he’s a wee bit Irish, it’s the Maid of Honor Clare Kenville and the Best Man Brady O’Malley

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for….

She’s the star of the day and he’s the luckiest guy on the face of the earth. For the first time ever, please give it up for Mr. and Mrs. Grazi Zazzara.

That's What He Said- Chapter 5

2012-02-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

In case you didn't know, I'm writing a memoir about my senior year in college. Here's what you've missed so far.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

And now without further ado...

Chapter 5

This column didn’t exactly produce the same kind of reaction that my first two had. As far as I could tell people still enjoyed it, but they weren’t going out of their way to let me know it. It was a bit disheartening at first, to plateau like my third column evidently did, but I guess it was only a matter of time¹. It would have been damn near impossible to continually wow my audience week in and week out. I guess it’s a little like when you first start dating someone. Those first few weeks of getting to know each other are great and it seems like the excitement surrounding the relationship will never fade, but it always does.

I thought that I had made some nice observations and blended in enough humor, but the problem, as Tim later explained to me, was that the column lacked what came to be known as ‘zingers’. Zingers are those statements or phrases that cause you to explode with laughter while at the same time thinking, “I can’t believe he wrote that and it was printed.” Although I tried to explain to Tim that zingers were not easy to come by, he went on to judge my remaining columns based solely on the presence or absence of them.

Even though my friends found themselves saying “true” as opposed to laughing out loud while reading my column at least one of my readers thought that I was still pushing the envelope. This is the email that Fran, my old News Writing professor, sent me that week:

Ok, Dan, I read this week's piece. Women and bowels and toilet paper all in the same column. Looks like the Race, Gender Class will be critiquing you again for homework. And I think you are now also on the agenda for the Women's Forum, the faculty monthly women's meeting...

"Shuttle bus to the cafeteria from the morgue." Ok, I laughed out loud
at that.

"Food gives up more runs than Kei Igawa," also funny.

Keep testing that "Free Speech" amendment I'm so fond of....

Fran

While it was nice to be reminded that I had gotten the faculty’s attention, I was more excited about her last sentence. It was one thing to hear it from Tim, but to hear it from Fran? A self-proclaimed feminist, no less. I don’t remember having any reservations about my writing, but if I did, that last sentence completely erased them. When it came to writing, Fran’s opinion was the one that I valued the most.

Like your typical guy, my interest in Communications was largely sports related. I mean, what kid born in the late ‘80s didn’t grow up with aspirations of becoming a SportsCenter anchor? Once I figured out that I actually wanted to work in sports media I had to think of something that sounded specific, but was still totally ambiguous to say to adults when they asked me what I wanted to do. I guess by the time you are a junior in college, many adults assume that you have your life figured out. My solution, in my opinion anyway, was brilliant.

By the time my junior year rolled around I was very much involved with the sports department of my campus radio station. I co-hosted a weekly sports talk show and announced men’s and women’s basketball as well as lacrosse games on the radio and internet (only men’s lacrosse- I’d rather watch paint dry than announce women’s lacrosse). While my radio gig was mainly a hobby, I decided that I should also try my luck with other mediums, namely TV and print. I figured that I would get my feet wet in all three and then pursue a career in the one that I liked the best. This showed adults that I had some sort of direction, but that I was trying to keep my options open in order to make an informed decision about my future. Like I said, brilliant.

As a part of my Communications major I was allowed to pick three elective courses that were in some way related to my chosen field. In the fall of my junior year I used one of those electives to take a class called Sports Broadcasting. This course not only gave me a little taste of what the television side of sports was like, but it also got me into a minor tiff with the women’s head basketball coach. After attending a pre-season practice, I asked the head coach if she thought it was justified, in our what have you done for me lately culture, that she was still coaching at Fairfield even though the men’s coach, who had a much better record than her in the previous 5 years, had been fired in the off-season. Naturally she didn’t take too kindly to my question and during an angry rant said that the comparison was like apples to oranges. I ended my report on the team by saying that the season better be fruitful for the head coach and the Stags (Fairfield’s mascot) or those apples and oranges that she spoke of might come in the canned variety. Let the record show that her ‘contract was not renewed’ after another dismal year.

Even though I knew it was a dying industry, I still felt like I should complete the media triumvirate and see what it was like to cover sports from the print side of things. Fairfield didn’t offer a Sports Writing course in the spring of my junior year, so I was relegated to taking News Writing. The course didn’t focus on sports writing in the least, but it was still the foundation for my brief stint as a sports writer.

As fate would have it, I learned more in that News Writing class than I did in any other class that I took in my academic career. If you had told me that when I walked in on the first day and saw a 4’10, 40-year-old woman with curly, grayish blonde hair that fell just to her shoulder in the front of the room there’s zero chance I would have believed you. Whether she knew she was doing it or not, Fran taught me three things.

First and foremost, she taught me how to write. It was in this class that I learned all of the technical skills, styles, and formats that I continue to employ today. Now I’m still no expert on grammar or punctuation, but I have a basic understanding of the structure and guidelines that one is supposed to follow when it comes to professional writing.

Next, Fran taught me the importance of keeping my audience in mind. It sounds so rudimentary, and I guess it is, but far too many people forget all about it. Fran constantly reminded our class to think about who would be reading our writing before we wrote our first word. The point being, if you know who your audience is you will be able to tailor your words in such a way that they will be able to better understand your point. I mean, I’m sure you are all a lot more conscious of your punctuation when you email your boss/professor than when you email your friends about what happened to you on Saturday night. Now I am by no means in the life lesson giving business, but I do think that this concept is applicable beyond News Writing. You have to constantly be aware of your audience in all aspects of life. It’s basically about how you present yourself in different situations. For example, you probably didn’t care if your cell phone went off during European History 101, but you better have it turned off during a business meeting.

Lastly, before I took News Writing I thought that I wrote in short, simple sentences (great alliteration, I know). After a week or two of getting to know me, Fran quickly debunked this hollow theory of mine. She repeatedly told me that my personality oozes out of my writing. According to her, the short, simple sentences that I thought I was writing were actually littered with my own personal style. After re-reading some of my work, I eventually started to see what she was talking about and I began to embrace it. Once I got in touch with this personal style of mine, my “writer’s voice”, my writing drastically improved. Again, this lesson is applicable beyond journalism. Your personality seeps out of you in all that you do. After every conversation that you have and every action that you take, your own personal stamp is left behind².

While I initially didn’t have a good read on my writing style, I’m pretty sure I had a firm grasp on the entire scope of my personality. Or at least I hope I did. Ever since 8th grade I have been trying to creatively express who I am to my peers by way of social networking devices. Whether it was an AOL or AIM profile or my senior last words in high school I’ve had countless opportunities to sum up my being and show it to others my age. These attempts at a self portrait have been my way of presenting the specific aspects of my personality that I want others to see.

During the first few months of my freshmen year of college the juggernaut of these social networking sites, www.thefacebook.com, really took off. By my senior year the site had become an integral part of college life. Facebook gave undergrads a new language, a new way to interact with one another, and something new to gossip about. Its pervasiveness made it a natural topic selection for Jackie and me.

Facebook was great at first because it provided college kids with a way to keep in touch with their high school friends, to cultivate new friendships with their classmates, and to get a guilt-free glance at the lives of everyone else on their campus. All you needed was a valid college email address and you could sign up for a free account. Once you signed up you could upload a picture, fill out your profile (your birthday, relationship status, favorite movies, books, TV shows, hobbies, etc), and request to be “friends” with anyone else that had an account. Once you were “friends” with someone you could write them a message that only they could see or one on their “wall” that everyone that they were “friends” with could see.

I don’t want to say that Facebook unequivocally strengthened friendships because in many ways it cheapened them, but reminding its users when a “friend” had a birthday coming up was an overwhelming success. Admittedly, if not for Facebook, I wouldn’t know the birthday of most of my closest friends.

That being said, if you ask me, I think Facebook’s popularity was really propelled by pictures. I mean, everyone aimed to present themselves in the best possible light, but their favorite music and quotes were only going to get them so far. Facebook not only allowed users to upload a picture for their profile, but they could also upload “photo albums” of no more than 60 pictures (per album). Users could then “tag” any of their friends that appeared in the photos. The key here was that if you were viewing someone’s profile you could see how many pictures that they were “tagged” in and then look through those. As I’m sure you might imagine or already know there were plenty of girls that looked hot in their pictures on Facebook, but then not so hot in person. Also there were a few girls that looked great in person, but inexplicably didn’t look so great in their Facebook photos.

Shortly after Facebook took off quicker than Chia Pets, slap bracelets, and tamagotchis combined an unwritten etiquette seemed to develop. For example, any guy that consistently wrote on a girl’s wall without her writing back on his was deemed a “Facebook stalker.” Fun fact- There was actually a kid in my grade that was notorious for this. I swear if you looked at any attractive girl’s profile there would almost certainly be a post from him. In most cases there were multiple posts that looked they were written by a hormonal 13 year old. If I had to guess I’d say only about 10 percent of girls responded on his wall and usually only after he had written 5-6 times on theirs. The kid was a bona fide creep and for reasons unbeknownst to me his friends nicknamed him “The Gator.” I assume it had something to do with his predatory nature, but I’m not kidding when I say that he was one of the better known names around campus because of his ramped Facebook faux pas. Other Facebook no no’s included many areas of picture selection, any action that would suggest that you were constantly on the site (i.e. responding too quickly to a friend’s wall post), and having a fake relationship status with a friend of the same sex. The latter was a very popular move by many females that were perhaps embarrassed about being single.

By the time my senior year rolled around things on Facebook were starting to get a little absurd. Users were allowed to upload all sorts of applications that I found to be just plain stupid. For example, people could send their friends animated “gifts” like a cupcake or a palm tree. They could ask their friends to choose a side between the Yankees and Red Sox or even between two unrelated groups like pirates and ninjas. Users could also create quizzes about any topic of their choice (Harry Potter, old school Nickelodeon shows, etc.) for their friends to take. The results of said quizzes were then posted on the participant’s profile.

Even with all of the unnecessary applications Facebook’s popularity did not waver. In fact, it probably grew. There were applications for just about every niche you could think of. Facebook became such a part of the college culture that it was probably the most common bond among the entire student body. To put that in terms of numbers, Fairfield was roughly 88% white during my four years there, but I would argue that at least 90% of the population was on Facebook.

The Mirror on October 3rd, 2007:

Facebook

Facebook is the epicenter of our existence as college students. If it isn’t your homepage, it probably should be because it’s everyone’s most visited site. My excuse is that I check my email a lot. Whatever, it makes me feel better about myself.

Things are getting a little out of control with the applications. I will not be a ninja or pirate, so stop asking me, but let’s just let Mark Zuckerberg live for giving us the best thing since webshots.

Selecting your picture is crucial. If I see another picture of someone flaunting a keystone or a red solo cup I might vomit. We’re all in college. We all drink. Also, guys don’t use a baby picture of yourself. That just reeks of desperation. Scatter actual baby pictures of you and your cousin around your house like I do³.

Albums are priceless, but do we really have to name them after whatever rap song is popular at the time? “ThE gOoD LiFe” is embarrassing. Pick a case. 45 pictures of you changing the expressions on your faces while pregaming? Oh no, you forgot to do the kissy face. Take another one. You’re a joke. Am I the only one counting down the days until the spring break albums are released?

Friends of the same sex (I can’t believe some guys do this) that are in an open relationship/ it’s complicated with each other are about as funny as Jackie’s column and I’ll tell you something that isn’t complicated-the amount of friends they have-0. If you are actually in an open relationship have some self-respect and don’t put it on Facebook. Like don’t tell the world that your ‘girlfriend’ is looking to have sex with other people⁴.

I hate the “I’ve never facebooked anyone” guy. Not only have you done it, but you also probably suck at life and changed your privacy settings so people can’t see your profile. I understand why some babes go private, but guys, really? The only reason we even want to see your profile is to show others how much of a d-bag you are.

The wall-to-wall barely edges out the online now as my favorite feature. (It finally pays off to be at the end of the alphabet) If anyone has written on your wall 4+ times in a row you need to call a timeout and stop the mo. Speaking of which, beware of the gator.

1- I'm pretty sure that this chapter of the memoir plateaus as well , but whatever.

2- There's a fart joke in there somewhere

3- Tim and I had the following two pictures blown up and prominently displayed in our house.

4- I must give credit where credit is due. My buddy Glancy gave me that joke. More on him later.

Pro Bowl Tweaks

2012-01-30T23:29:00.003-05:00

In case you missed it, and I know most of you did, last night was the NFL's All-Star Game. I can honestly say that I've never seen more than 30 seconds of a Pro Bowl, but I work on a sports talk radio show, so we briefly discussed it today at work. The question was simple. What changes could be made to the Pro Bowl to make it more interesting?

None of us could really think of any tweaks that would work. Our best idea was to simply get rid of the game altogether, but that's not going to happen because it rates really well on TV. In fact, last night's Pro Bowl received a 7.9 rating (which basically means that nearly 8 million people tuned in).

While we couldn't think of any ways to change the Pro Bowl, our listeners had a few that we liked. The first was to have the NFL's All-Star Game be a contest of white players against black players. This would obviously never happen, but here are what this year's rosters may have looked like. As you'll soon find out, the white team is really thin at running back, white receiver, and in the secondary. I also should note that I didn't include special teams positions on either roster, but the black team would have to use a position player to kickoff, punt, and attempt field goals and extra points.

White Team

Offense

QB- Aaron Rodgers, Packers
QB- Drew Brees, Saints
QB- Tom Brady, Patriots
WR- Jordy Nelson, Packers
WR- Wes Welker, Patriots
WR- Eric Decker, Broncos
FB- John Kuhn, Packers
RB- Toby Gerhart, Vikings
RB- Peyton Hillis, Browns
RB- Danny Woodhead, Patriots
TE- Rob Gronkowski, Patriots
TE- Tony Gonzalez, Falcons
TE- Jason Witten, Cowboys
OT- Jake Long, Dolphins
OT- Joe Thomas, Browns
OT- Joe Staley, 49ers
OG- Logan Mankins, Patriots
OG- Kris Dielman, Chargers
C- Nick Mangold, Jets
C- Ryan Kalil, Panthers

Defense

DE- Justin Smith, 49ers
DE- Jared Allen, Vikings
DE- Jason Babin, Eagles
DE- JJ Watt, Texans
DE- Brett Keisel, Steelers
LB- Clay Matthews, Packers
LB- Brian Urlacher, Bears
LB- Chad Greenway, Vikings
LB- Brian Cushing, Texans
LB- Connor Barwin, Texans
CB- Steve Gregory, Chargers
CB- Julian Edelman, Patriots
FS- Eric Weddle, Chargers
SS- Tom Zbikowski, Ravens
FS- Eric Smith, Jets
SS- Matt Giordano, Raiders
SS- Jim Leonard, Jets

Black Team

Offense

QB- Cam Newton, Panthers
QB- Michael Vick, Eagles
RB- Arian Foster, Texans
RB- LeSean McCoy, Eagles
RB- Ray Rice, Ravens
FB- Vonta Leach, Ravens
WR- Calvin Johnson, Lions
WR- Andre Johnson, Texans
WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals
WR- Roddy White, Falcons
TE- Jimmy Graham, Saints
TE- Antonio Gates, Chargers
OT- Ryan Clady, Broncos
OT- D’Brickshaw Ferguson, Jets
OG- Jahri Evans, Saints
OG- Carl Nicks, Saints
C- Maurkice Pouncey, Steelers

Defense

DE- Jason Pierre Paul, Giants
DE- Julius Peppers, Bears
DE- Elvis Dumervil, Broncos
DT- Vince Wilfork, Patriots
DT- B.J. Raji, Packers
DT- Jay Ratliff, Cowboys
LB- DeMarcus Ware, Cowboys
LB- James Harrison, Steelers
LB- Terrell Suggs, Ravens
LB- Patrick Willis, 49ers
LB- Ray Lewis, Ravens
CB- Champ Bailey, Broncos
CB- Darrelle Revis, Jets
CB- Charles Woodson, Packers
FS- Ed Reed, Ravens
FS- Ryan Clark, Steelers
SS- Adrian Wilson, Cardinals

I think it's pretty clear that the black team would win, but the white team is a lot better than what I thought they'd be. In fact, 19 of the players I selected were actually pro bowlers this year.

Another idea that our listeners had was to have players that went to schools in the SEC play against the rest. This idea is similar to the NHL's old format of USA born players taking on the world. Here is how the SEC versus the rest of the nation would look.

SEC Team

Offense

QB- Matthew Stafford, Georgia (Lions)
QB- Eli Manning, Ole Miss (Giants)
QB- Cam Newton, Auburn (Panthers)
RB- Darren McFadden, Arkansas (Raiders)
RB- Arian Foster, Tennessee (Texans)
RB- Ben Tate, Auburn (Texans)
WR- A.J. Green, Georgia (Bengals)
WR- Mike Wallace, Ole Miss (Steelers)
WR- Dwayne Bowe, LSU (Chiefs)
WR- Percy Harvin, Florida (Vikings)
TE- Aaron Hernandez, Florida (Patriots)
TE- Jason Witten, Tennessee (Cowboys)
OT- Jason Peters, Arkansas (Eagles)
OT- Michael Oher, Ole Miss (Ravens)
OT- Chad Clifton, Tennessee (Packers)
OG- Travelle Wharton, South Carolina (Panthers)
OG- Anthony Herrera, Tennessee (Vikings)
C- Maurkice Pouncey, Florida (Steelers)

Defense

DE- John Abraham, South Carolina (Falcons)
DE- Chris Clemons, Georgia (Seahawks)
DT- Jay Ratliff, Auburn (Cowboys)
DT- Richard Seymour, Georgia (Raiders)
LB- Karlos Dansby, Auburn (Dolphins)
LB- Jerod Mayo, Tennessee (Patriots)
LB- Patrick Willis, Ole Miss (49ers)
LB- Brandon Spikes, Florida (Patriots)
CB- Champ Bailey, Georgia (Broncos)
CB- Carlos Rogers, Auburn (49ers)
CB- Corey Webster, LSU (Giants)
CB- Jonathan Joseph, South Carolina (Texans
CB- Patrick Peterson, LSU (Cardinals)
CB- Joe Haden, Florida (Browns)
S- Ryan Clark, LSU (Steelers)
S- LaRon Landry, LSU (Redskins)
S- George Wilson, Arkansas (Bills)
S- Charlie Peprah, Alabama (Packers)

Nation Team

Offense

QB- Aaron Rodgers, Cal (Packers)
QB- Drew Brees, Purdue (Saints)
QB- Tom Brady, Michigan (Patriots)
RB- LeSean McCoy, Pittsburgh (Eagles)
RB- Adrian Peterson, Oklahoma (Vikings)
RB- Ray Rice, Rutgers (Ravens)
WR- Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech (Lions)
WR- Andre Johnson, Miami (Texans)
WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Pittsburgh (Cardinals)
WR- Roddy White, Alabama-Birmingham (Falcons)
TE- Rob Gronkowski, Arizona (Patriots)
TE- Jimmy Graham, Miami (Saints)
OT- Joe Thomas, Wisconsin (Browns)
OT- Jake Long, Michigan (Dolphins)
OG- Carl Nicks, Nebraska (Saints)
OG- Jahri Evans, Bloomsburg (Saints)
C- Nick Mangold, Ohio State (Jets)

Defense

DE- Jared Allen, Idaho State (Vikings)
DE- Justin Smith, Missouri (49ers)
DE- Jason Pierre Paul, South Florida (Giants)
DT- Ndamokung Suh, Nebraska (Lions)
DT- Vince Wilfork, Miami (Patriots)
DT- Haloti Ngata, Oregon (Ravens)
LB- DeMarcus Ware, Troy (Cowboys)
LB- James Harrison, Kent State (Steelers)
LB- Clay Matthews, USC (Packers)
LB- Brian Urlacher, New Mexico (Bears)
LB- Ray Lewis, Miami (Ravens)
CB- Charles Woodson, Michigan (Packers)
CB- Darrelle Revis, Pittsburgh (Jets)
FS- Ed Reed, Miami (Ravens)
SS- Troy Polamalu, USC (Steelers)

This would be a closely contested game, but I'd put my money on the nation team.

The final idea was to pit former first round draft picks up against players drafted in rounds 2-7 and those not drafted at all. Here's how those rosters would have looked this year.

1st Round Picks

Offense

QB- Aaron Rodgers, Packers
QB- Cam Newton, Panthers
QB- Eli Manning, Giants
RB- Adrian Peterson, Vikings
RB- Chris Johnson, Titans
RB- Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks
WR- Calvin Johnson, Lions
WR- Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals
WR- Andre Johnson, Texans
WR- Roddy White, Falcons
TE- Vernon Davis, 49ers
TE- Brandon Pettigrew, Lions
OT- Jake Long, Dolphins
OT- D’Brickshaw Ferguson, Jets
OG- Logan Mankins, Patriots
OG- Mike Iupati, 49ers
C- Maurkice Pouncey, Steelers

Defense

DE- Julius Peppers, Bears
DE- Jason Pierre Paul, Giants
DE- Justin Smith, 49ers
DT- Vince Wilfork, Patriots
DT- BJ Raji, Packers
DT- Haloti Ngata, Ravens
LB- DeMarcus Ware, Cowboys
LB- Patrick Willis, 49ers
LB- Brian Urlacher, Bears
LB- Clay Matthews, Packers
CB- Charles Woodson, Packers
CB- Darrelle Revis, Jets
CB- Champ Bailey, Broncos
FS- Ed Reed, Ravens
SS- Troy Polamalu, Steelers

Non 1st Rounders

Offense

QB- Drew Brees, Saints (2nd round)
QB- Tom Brady, Patriots (6th round)
RB- LeSean McCoy, Eagles (2nd round)
RB- Arian Foster, Texans (undrafted)
RB- Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars (2nd round)
WR- Mike Wallace, Steelers (3rd round)
WR- Victor Cruz, Giants (undrafted)
WR- Vincent Jackson, Chargers (2nd round)
WR- Greg Jennings, Packers (2nd round)
TE- Rob Gronkowski, Patriots (2nd round)
TE- Jimmy Graham, Saints (3rd round)
OT- Jason Peters, Eagles (undrafted)
OT- Jermon Bushrod, Saints (4th round)
OG- Carl Nicks, Saints (5th round)
OG- Jahri Evans, Saints (4th round)
C- Ryan Kalil, Panthers (2nd round)

Defense

DE- Jared Allen, Vikings (4th round)
DE- Elvis Dumervil, Broncos (4th round)
DT- Jay Ratliff, Cowboys (7th round)
DT- Geno Atkins, Bengals (4th round)
LB- James Harrison, Steelers (undrafted)
LB- Curtis Lofton, Falcons (2nd round)
LB- Lance Briggs, Bears (3rd round)
LB- London Fletcher, Redskins (undrafted)
CB- Brandon Browner, Seahawks (undrafted)
CB- Charles Tillman, Bears (2nd round)
FS- Ryan Clark, Steelers (undrafted)
SS- Adrian Wilson, Cardinals (3rd round)

Pretty crazy that seven of those guys went undrafted. I think this format would lend to the best game. It's hard to project a clear cut winner, but I like the team of first rounders slightly more than the team of non first rounders. That said, all of the non first rounders would play with such a chip on their shoulder that I think they'd come out on top in an exhibition game.

Pump Up The Jam

2012-01-21T13:18:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite topics that blends sports with pop culture and gives some insight into the personality of athletes is entrance songs. Back in college when I hosted a sports talk radio show I used to ask my guests what song they would choose to walk up to the plate to if they were a big leaguer. I covered the songs I would consider in October of 2010. Well last week while I was working on The Scott Van Pelt Show, Scott, Ryen Russillo (his co-host), and their guest for this particular segment, former NFL quarterback Tim Hasselbeck, had an impromptu discussion about what song their high school basketball teams took the court to. I forget what Scott said, but Ryen and Mr. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, both white guys from Massachusetts, said Jump Around by House of Pain. Very fitting. My cousin who will not be named even though he’s been named a few times on this blog was a big hooper in high school. In fact, he was a walk on at Fairfield during our freshmen year of college. I don’t recall what his high school team’s entrance song was, but I remember him telling me about a team they played that came out to this…

The team entered the court at about the :20 mark

Now obviously everyone didn’t play high school basketball, so I think it’s fair to broaden this discussion to the songs that were on your high school football/soccer/basketball/hockey/baseball/lacrosse warm up tape. The interesting thing about team warm up songs is that it’s usually only a few people that select the songs for the entire team. This means that more often than not the captains, or elder statesmen on the team, both made the pregame mix tape and had control over the stereo in the locker room.

My first relevant memory to warm up music is as a 7th grader playing modified football. We didn’t play our games on a field with a sound system, so the music we played in the locker room was near and dear to our hearts. I kid you not the 8th graders played this song on repeat before and after every practice and every game all year.

I’m pretty sure it was the only song that was played in the locker room the entire season. FYI- We might have had 1-2 black kids on our entire team.

I don’t remember what we played in the locker room when we were 8th graders, but that was our only chance to choose for ourselves until our senior year because the JV and Varsity football teams shared the same locker room. At my high school the football team had t-shirts made every year with a motto on the back. More often than not the motto was the name of a rock song that was used to pump the team up. One year it was Welcome to the Jungle. Another year it was Seek and Destroy. Obviously the locker room was filled with plenty of Guns n’ Roses and Metallica those years.

Here are a few other songs that were played ad naseum in our locker room and in the stadium during pre-game warm-ups.

Metallica- No Leaf Clover

Excalibur Theme

Ozzy Osbourne- Crazy Train

Disturbed- Down With the Sickness

Disturbed- Are You Breathing?

System of a Down- Toxicity

System of a Down- Chop Suey

AC/DC- Hells Bells

By the time senior year rolled around my friends and I had grown so accustomed to these songs that many of them stayed on our pre-game mix. They became so ingrained in my head that even to this day when I hear No Leaf Clover by Metallica I can’t help but think of stretching and doing calisthenics. I don’t actually stop what I’m doing and start stretching (although that’d be like Pavlov’s experiment on crack). I just picture myself doing the stretches and drills as a scrawny 17 year old.

I left out a few songs that were on our pre-game football CD because some of them are a part of my personal top 3 pump up songs of all time. I became so attached to two of the following three songs that I made sure that they were on our pre-game lacrosse CD as well. The last song, my number 1 pump up song of all time, didn’t come out until halfway through my senior year football season, but it was prominently featured on our lacrosse mix.

3.) Metallica- Enter Sandman

I hate the Yankees, but I respect the shit out of Mariano Rivera. If this song doesn’t make you want to run through a wall and tackle someone then there’s something wrong with you.

2.) AC/DC- Thunderstruck

My body becomes so filled with adrenaline when I hear this song before an athletic event that my body starts shaking when I hear the lyric, “I was shaking at the knees.” Quick sidenote, I recently learned a drinking game set to this song that’s a lot of fun. Find a group of 4-6 people (you can do more, but it will take longer to get drunk) and select who will go first. The person who has been picked to start begins drinking at the first “Thunder” and keeps going until the next “Thunder”, which is when the next person starts to drink, and so on.

1.) The White Stripes- Seven Nation Army

As Deadspin recently noted, this song has conquered the sports world and I’m proud to say that I was getting amped up to the bass line from the get go. This song got me so fired up that I was in a trance like state after hearing it. I became a very aggressive, violent person shortly after warming up to this tune.

What song did your highschool basketball team enter the court to? Or what was on your high school warm up CD?

Jungle Fever

2012-01-16T22:17:00.001-05:00

This past August I was at a birthday celebration for friend of the blog Kyle Korver and a few us had an intriguing conversation about who the hottest black woman on the planet is. I found it to be an intriguing discussion because there was no clear cut answer. Hell, there wasn’t even a consensus group of nominees. People were throwing out names that I’d never heard of. Even when they said, “You know that girl from that (tv show/commercial/music video)?” I couldn’t picture some of them.

Five months later I still think it’s a fascinating issue. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not in touch with the African-American community, but I think it’s safe to say that we, as a society, have come a long way in the past 20 years. We have a strong willed black woman as our first lady in Michelle Obama, we had a black woman as our secretary of state in Condoleezza Rice, and Oprah is arguably one of the most influential women in the country. That said, where is the next Halle Berry? I bet most people would have trouble naming another black actress. Where’s the next Tyra Banks or Naomi Campbell? Are there really no black super models anymore? Also, there are a few famous black musicians, but none are icons like Janet Jackson, are they?

So as we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. day I think it’s only appropriate to ask who the hottest black chick on the planet is?

Here's my Top 10

Honorable mention- Jennifer Hudson

The other day I saw her on some fitness show (I wasn’t watching it, but it was on of the 12 TVs in a studio) and she looked gooood. That said, I know that she used to be fat and I don’t think I can get past it.

10.) Alicia Keys

She is definitely more talented than hot, but her golden pipes make her a whole lot more appealing.

9.) Gabrielle Union

Even though I believe it’s confirmed that she has herpes (thanks to Dwyane Wade), she’s still a babe.

8.) Zoe Saldana

If there was ever a case of someone who is not photogenic, but is strikingly attractive in movies it’s Zoe Saldana. Trust me, she's hot.

7.) Meagan Good

She’s on the new season of Californication and she looks just like her surname suggests. She'll probably be #5 on this list by the end of the season.

6.) Nicki Minaj

As weird as she may seem she’s still got a pretty face and a fat ass.

5.) Rihanna

She just exudes sex. I don’t think that there’s any doubt that she’s an absolute freak in bed.

4.) Selita Ebanks

For those of you that don’t know her, Selita Ebanks is a former Victoria’s Secret model who was formerly engaged to Nick Cannon (aka Mr. Mariah Carey).

3.) Beyonce

She’d probably be #1 if she didn’t just pop out a kid (after all she made the final four of my bracket back in March). I think she’s easily the most attainable black woman alive. She’s just not currently the hottest.

2.) Ciara

I probably have her rated higher than most would, but I think she’s amazing. She’s also, hands down, the best female dancer (not in the stripper kind of way) in the world.

1.) Nicole Sherzinger

She’s not even really black (she’s Hawaiian, Filipino, and Russian), but she looks black and she’s stupid hot so I’m counting it. Seriously, can you argue with this?

That's What He Said- Chapter 4

2012-01-03T16:12:00.001-05:00

For the uninitiated click here to catch up.

Chapter 4

Somewhere along the line a stigma was attached to both poop and masturbation. For the life of me I can’t figure out why we, as a society, would choose to treat these common bonds with such disdain. I mean, who are we kidding? Everybody does both. Maybe not as frequently, or as proudly, but we all relieve and pleasure ourselves routinely. Human excrement has such a negative connotation that guys like to joke that girls don’t poop. Although I, too, wish it were true, this futile glimmer of hope was destroyed for me after I witnessed a particularly attractive girl who will remain nameless let a textbook fart go during my freshman year.

My future housemate and next door neighbor at the time Max, this girl, and I were sitting in the hallway outside of good old Jogues 225 on a weekday night in February of 2004. Why we decided to sit down on the rugged, uncomfortably thin carpet I don’t know. I sat just to the right of my door with my dorm room at my back. To my right was Max, who was sitting just to the left of his door. He was wearing a black hooded Guess zip up sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. The hood was pulled over his head and he was chewing on a paper towel, as he often did, like it was a stick of gum. Our female friend was seated in-between us, but across the hallway with her back to the bathroom wall. Our large rectangular communal bathroom was centered on our floor much in the way that a four sided bar is centered in a local watering hole. The closest of the four doors was just past Max’s room and towards the exit which meant that Tim and I had to pass Max’s room to get to the lav.

This female who will remain nameless hadn’t hooked up with anyone on our floor to this point, but she still hung out with us all the time. She had straight, dirty blonde hair with brown roots that would eventually take control as she got older. She was without a doubt pretty, but I thought she looked better when her hair was occasionally curly. She was short and petite and wore a black Northface jacket and tight, dark jeans¹.

As the three of us wasted away in the hallway Max told a sexually explicit joke² that he had just heard. He delivered the punch line precisely and with a confident chuckle that sent this girl and I into hysterics. The joke was funny on its own right, but Max’s enthusiasm put us over the top. Minutes later my radio co-host Robby, who lived in the corner triple with his two friends from high school came out in the hallway to join us.

Robby was 5’10 and skinny. He weighed no more than a buck fifty five soaking wet. He gave off a punk rock vibe with his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, black Chuck Taylor Converse All-Star sneakers with white soles, toes, and laces, multiple bracelets, a studded belt, and sideburns that went almost all the way down his cheek bones. Our radio show was called Thirsty Thursdays with Robby and Dan, but the local Jamaican man who hosted the show leading into ours always called it either Thirsty Thursdays with Dan and Dave or Thirsty Thursdays with Rob and Dave. I assume that he only knew one white person and the guy’s name happened to be Dave. Either way, we each made a CD of 12-15 songs and alternated our choices over the course of two hours. The show was simulcast on all of the televisions hooked up in dorm rooms and townhouses on campus (Channel 65), so our friends would watch on TV and call in to join our conversation, attempt to be funny, or tell Robby that he needed to come back to his room to let a roommate in who lost his key.

Within seconds of Robby sitting down this girl and I told Max that he had to tell his joke again. He did and we all laughed. Shortly thereafter two more people came out into the hallway and almost on cue Max delivered the joke with the same gusto. Our congregation soon attracted more followers and Max had to tell his joke again and again. For some reason, this girl couldn’t help but laugh at the punch line every time. It was as if the joke got funnier to her the more times she heard it. Right after about the fifth time Max told the joke, this girl, caught up in a laughing spell, inadvertently let an audible one cheek sneak loose. It was such a shock to hear a female, much less a very attractive one, let one rip that the 6 or 7of us didn’t know how to react, so we didn’t.

We sat there in dumbfounded silence as the laughter resulting from Max’s joke subsided. After what felt like minutes of quiet (I’m sure it was no more than three seconds) Robby called attention to the high pitched slip by exclaiming, “Oh my God, (this girl’s name)! You just farted!” Once the thought of a female farting finally clicked in our heads, we all burst out laughing harder than we did the first time we heard Max’s joke.

When my second article was printed I both recognized and understood people’s right to treat these excretory acts as private, but at the same time I felt compelled to bring them up because they were, and continue to be, integral parts of the college male’s lifestyle. In fact, once I found out that I was going to be the “He Said” writer I put that “know your roommate’s schedule better than you know your own” joke on the back burner. Surprisingly, after three years of reading He Said columns, it was the only joke I knew that I wanted to make. For some reason, the “He Saids” before me chose not to tackle the topic of self-gratification. Maybe they didn’t want to flat out tell the student body about their self-relieving ways. I, on the other hand, did not care. I also must give credit where credit is due. I originally wrote the joke in a much more straight forward fashion (something like “so you can clean the pipes”), but Tim suggested the line about having some “solo time with your right-handed tutor.”

I wanted to make the joke from the get go because I knew how many guys could relate to the scenario. It’s one of those things that all guys are aware of, but are hesitant to openly discuss. Sure guys talk about masturbation in broad terms, but they also try their best to dance around the topic when they are about to perform the act³. For example, when a male says to his roommate, “Don’t you have class now?” he is actually saying, “I know you have a class right now. Hurry up and get out of here because I want to spray my seed.”

As the week went on many guys, plenty of whom I had never seen before, commended me on the overt manner in which I had covered poop and masturbation. I was told plenty of stories about roommates walking in on each other, guys having to dump themselves while in bed with chicks, and perhaps my favorite college story of all time.

Two kids that I knew separately my freshmen year named Jimbo and Dave lived together on the first floor of Jogues Hall. By the time that the spring semester rolled around Jimbo had grown accustomed to Dave’s routine. Every morning Dave’s alarm would go off at 8am and he’d hop off of his lofted bed (most people raised their beds and put their desks underneath them to conserve space) and head to the bathroom to shower, shave, brush his teeth, etc. He usually re-entered the room at 8:30 to get ready for a 9am class. During this half hour window Jimbo would climb down from his lofted bed, pop in an x-rated DVD, release some man batter, clean up, and be back in his bed before Dave returned from the bathroom.

Well one day in April, just like any other day, Dave’s alarm went off at 8am. He hopped off of his bed, grabbed his towel and toiletries and headed for the bathroom. A minute later Jimbo climbed down from his bed, popped in a DVD, turned the volume up, and went to town. After he cleaned up, like usual, he stood on his desk chair and re-ascended into his bed. It was as he shifted all of his weight onto his bed that he felt the dreaded flash of embarrassment. You know, that gut wrenching feeling where you can feel the sweat form in your armpits as your face turns red. Sometimes this brief flare of panic is unfounded, but unfortunately for Jimbo his flare was all too real. He had forgotten that Dave’s girlfriend slept over that night. Once that piercing thought came to his mind he looked over and saw that she was curled up in the fetal position in the corner of Dave’s bed. Panic stricken himself Jimbo went back to sleep as calmly as he could and minutes later Dave returned as if nothing had happened.

My question is this- If you’re the girlfriend, do you tell Dave? If so, when? And do you ever say anything to Jimbo about it? How could you ever make small talk with him again? I didn’t hear the story until three years after the fact, but Jimbo⁴ claimed that he never spoke to the girlfriend about the incident and that Dave never said anything to him about it either.

Either way, while the male population seemed to thoroughly enjoy my depiction of the morning after, the females of Fairfield did not. I guess you could say that after just two columns the collective female water pot was beginning to boil. Simply put, women are ultra-sensitive. By calling them wildabeasts, heffers, and dragons I had apparently struck a nerve. It should be noted that this was not my intention. I never sat down and thought about how to piss girls off. For the record, that doesn’t take much thought. All you have to do is call them fat, which I know, I guess I did, but my goal was solely to relate to guys and to make them laugh.

Personally, I didn’t care if anyone was upset. I didn’t think anything I had written was that bad. I mean, even if girls were truly offended I figured that they would probably just bottle up their anger and explode about something innocuous later. If there’s anything I’ve learned about women by living with my mother for 20+ years, it’s that (Love ya Mom). Besides, I was pretty sure that all the girls that knew me knew that I didn’t have any ill intentions. While this may have been true, it didn’t prevent them from taking action.

We had a loose stone driveway at our beach house that could fit one, maybe two cars. My roommates and I usually only parked one of our four cars there because on the other side of the street was a small parking lot that we shared with our neighbors Mark and Ayles, who were not only fellow seniors, but also Marines.

On the Monday after this column was released, I left the Pink Box to go to class like it was any other day. Sundays were a big day for intramurals, so Tim and I usually came home late and were both relegated to parking in the lot across the street. As I got closer to my white ‘02 Ford Taurus, I noticed that something wasn’t right.

It looked like my car had been littered with flyers from local businesses. After a second glance I realized that this couldn’t be the case because every other car in the lot was unblemished. My car, which was not nearly the most luxurious in the general vicinity, seemed to shine brighter than all the others on that sunny September morning. As I approached my vehicle I learned what was causing this peculiar luster. My car had been tightly wrapped in saran wrap. It was as if someone had it for dinner and wanted to save it for tomorrow’s lunch. I tried to open the driver’s side door, but it barely moved. I pulled a second time, with much more force, but again the door would not budge.

It was at this point that I again noticed what I initially thought were business flyers. They indeed were not. They were pieces of white loose leaf paper, each with their own message, taped to the windows above all four doors. The messages read, “Fat Girls Are People Too”, “I <3 my big boobs”, “Let Me Live Four Eyes”, and “More Cushion for the Pushin’.” Taped to the windshield was my article on the morning after and accompanying picture cut out from an issue of The Mirror. I had been pranked.

It took me a good five minutes to rip through all of the saran wrap. I even had to go back inside to grab a knife. All the while I was removing the wrap I was scanning my brain trying to think of who could have done such a thing. Thankfully the vigilantes wrote the messages or else I might have thought the act was a serious retaliation to my written word. By the time I was able to enter my car I had narrowed the potential culprits down to two groups of girls. Then I remembered that a girl crazy enough to conjure up this diabolical scheme was in my house the entire night before hooking up with my roommate Greg. I wish I could say that the Hound Dog was back, but he settled down with this girl (who happened to live next door) and dated her for about a year after college.

It turns out that the mastermind behind this plot was Kristen, the girl I had a thing with before she went abroad. Her and her housemates, who were all encouraging Kristen to date me at the time⁵, snuck over around 11 p.m. and did the dirty deed while my housemates and I were awake and in our house. They even got all dressed up in black and took a boatload of pictures around my car to claim responsibility for the prank. Kind of like how Al-Qaeda leaks a video tape claiming responsibility for terrorist attacks. Knowing that the prank was all in good fun, I took it in stride and told them that I was impressed that they pulled off such a stunt, but to be prepared for my retaliation.

That night, Greg and I were sitting around the house thinking of ways to get this group of girls back. Greg’s one of those kids that has ‘a guy’ for just about everything. If you are looking for a new pair of shoelaces, Greg’s Uncle will have a friend who knows a guy that can pull a few strings (no pun intended) and get you 50% off. That being said, our best idea was something that Greg’s cousin’s friend told him about. The plan was to nail two large pieces of plywood over the front and back doors of the girls’ house, so they literally could not get in or not. I was all for it, but I didn’t want to respond right away with a return prank. I wanted to retaliate when they least suspected it. I wanted them to forget all about the prank war they had started and then wake up one morning and not be able to leave their house. Sure enough, I waited so long that I effectively forgot all about it. When I finally remembered I wasn’t even upset because things had changed so much with Kristen and those girls that it wouldn’t even have been worth it.

The saran wrap debacle was just another reminder that my column was a topic of many conversations all across campus. In fact, I received two emails that week that reiterated that notion. The first was from Steph, the editor in chief of the paper. Her email (she sent it to Jackie as well) read:

hey guys. for the future, please keep in mind that he said/she said is
a type of commentary that is traditionally "funny" - but to be funny,
you don't have to be crude or insulting. remember that the entire
University community reads this and it reflects upon you as the
writers as well as myself, the editor, and the entire mirror
staff/fairfield undergrad community as a whole.
try to be as tasteful, yet honest, as possible.

The second email was from my News Writing Professor, a middle aged woman named Fran, that I had the semester before. Her email simply read:

Dan

Saw your column. You certainly have a strong writer's voice...

humm....I'll leave it at that!

I told them both that I knew who my audience was (college males) and that I was going to keep writing with them in mind. Amidst all of the reaction to my second column, I was already focused on what I would write next. It was early in the year so Jackie and I both had plenty of suggestions. My only criteria for a topic was that it be relatable to not only seniors, but to juniors, sophomores, and freshmen alike. For me, this meant keeping topic ideas as broad as possible.

For our third column, I suggested that we write about our campus cafeteria because it is a staple of undergraduate life at Fairfield. Jackie was all for the idea, but she hadn’t been to the cafeteria since the end of her sophomore year. All freshmen and sophomores are required to have meal plans at the cafeteria because they live in dorms that are on campus. Juniors, who primarily live in the townhouses that have their own kitchens, and seniors, who primarily live in beach houses a few miles away, have the option of purchasing a meal plan, but most do not even bother. I had a meal plan my senior year because I knew that my responsibilities with the intramural department and the radio station would have me on campus more often than not. The only other senior I knew with a meal plan was Tim, who had one for similar reasons. After promising Jackie that I would get her back into the cafeteria, we rendezvoused there on the Friday afternoon before our columns were due.

Now eating a meal at the Barone cafeteria, as it was called, was quite the experience. After climbing two flights of stairs you got to a landing where a lovely elderly woman named Mary or a Latina woman who spoke limited English would swipe your student ID card and grant you access into the cafeteria. Freshmen and Sophomores generally got 12 meals (swipes) per week while Juniors and Seniors had the option of paying for 40 or 50 meals for the entire semester. Once you got into Barone, it was an all you can eat affair. You better believe that I had my fair share of four course meals in that place. The only problem was that the closest bathroom was on the floor below and once you left you couldn’t get back in. For those without a meal plan it cost $6 for breakfast, $8 for lunch and $10 for dinner. Being the gentleman that I am, I coughed up the cash so that Jackie could join me. My generosity led to the following exchange.

“You know that because you just paid for me that this is technically a date.”

“Well then you better put out later.”

Upon getting your card swiped you entered the bottom right corner of a large rectangular room that was designated for seating. The smaller of the sides were to your immediate right and far left. The near wall (to your immediate left) had a large opening in the middle that led to the actual cafeteria. Most of the tables were round and sat 8 comfortably, but the chairs were not connected to the table or the ground so they could be arranged in any way that their inhabitants sought fit. There were also rectangular tables with 6 seats a side that adorned the entire perimeter of the room except for the near side with the opening. Clearly the best seats in the house were the ones closest to the opening so that you could see everyone that walked in and out of the cafeteria as well as those arriving or leaving the large rectangular eating area. Even if you had a prime seating location tracking the whereabouts of hot chicks in the cafeteria was not as easy as you’d think. One of my friends even suggested that there must be a hidden room where only the attractive females ate because so many seemed to disappear after entering the cafeteria itself.

There was a symmetrical feel to what I’ve been referring to as the cafeteria (aka where the food is). The front of each side had trays, silverware, and a fountain soda machine. To the left was a salad bar, pasta station, four tubs of hard ice cream, coffee, and 6 make it yourself skillet stations, to the right was a sandwich station, pizza, French fries, hot dogs, hamburgers, and desserts, and in the back was the main course.

While Jackie and I dined together to remind her of what it was like in Barone, I didn’t need a refresher. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about. In fact, I probably could have written the following column two weeks into my freshman year.

The Mirror on September 26th, 2007:

The Barone Cafeteria

Speaking of the Hershey Factory, I’ll be the first to say that if Barone had a bathroom, I’d never leave. Seriously your bowel movements are the only thing keeping you from scoping babes all day. Not only am I one of fourteen seniors with a meal plan, but I’m also single handedly keeping the Scott Toilet Paper company in business.

There’s been talk about a Barone Marathon (All day from 8am- 8pm), but I don’t think it can be done. That food gives up more runs than Kei Igawa⁶.

Going to Barone for dinner is a process. You want to be there for prime time 6:30, but you also don’t want to run the risk of not getting a table. If one opens up, show no mercy and throw your stagcard down before someone else does. All is fair in love, war, and staking claim to a table in Barone. And rectangular tables don’t count. Those are for ugly couples to partake in PDA sessions that aren’t watched- they are ridiculed.

When it comes to checking out every girl in the place, not only is your table’s positioning key, but so to is your seat at the round table. Having the feature table is great, but having your back turned to the entrance and exits is like sitting front row at a DMB concert (most colllegge band out there) and being deaf. Besides, we all know the lawn is where it’s at.

Sunday Brunch is a disaster, but anybody who is anybody is there. Everybody tries to clean themselves up without making it look like they tried at all, but seriously you aren’t fooling anybody with your sweat pants when your hair is gelled. Everyone looks so bad it’s as if there’s a shuttle bus to the cafeteria from the morgue.

Nothing is worse than seeing the girl who shut you down after you professed your love for her the night before. There’s been countless times when eye contact is made and quickly turned away from. We all do it, but let’s try to not be so obvious this year. We know you aren’t thinking about getting one of those hotdogs that have been spinning longer than the one’s at Kwik-E-Mart⁷.

There are plenty of options for the hangover cure like eggs, peanut butter, beef stew, and tacos, but that just takes us right back to square one.

1- The college female’s home uniform. Substitute black yoga pants and you have the away uniform.

2- There's a huge highschool party and a girl really wants to go. It's the biggest party of the year and the highschool quarterback told her that he wants to hook up with her there. She lives too far away for any of her friends to pick her up, so she asks her dad to borrow his car, but he says no. She says, "Please dad. I'll do anything. I have to be at this party. I'll be back tomorrow before 11. Can I please have the car?" He thinks about it for a second and says, "Sorry honey, it's not happening." "Come onnn dad. I never ask for anything. Just let me have the car tonight. I'll do anything." The dad thinks about it again and says, "Anything, huh?" His daughter's like, "Yes, absolutely. You name it." So the dad says, "Ok, suck my dick." She says, "Eww dad. That's gross!" and he says, "I thought you said you'd do anything to borrow the car tonight?" She has to be at this party so she reluctantly agrees to give her dad a blowjob. She gets down on her knees, unbuckles his belt, unzips his pants and takes out his dick, but there's shit all over it. She immediately says, "Dad, what the fuck? There's shit all over your dick," and he goes, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."

3- Well, everyone except Max, who was always very upfront about it. He would frequently say things like, “I’m gonna go whack off and then go to bed.” I guess his honesty was refreshing in a sense.

4- Jimbo recently got engaged (Thanks Facebook), so in the rare event that he's reading this- Congrats!

5- They were very public about their support and I appreciated it very much. They proudly supported “Team Dan”, even spelling it out in block letters (think random letters on a refrigerator) on their sliding glass back door, and this was before the Twilight movies and all of that Team Edward vs. Team Jacob nonsense.

6- Igawa was a left-handed Japanese pitcher who started 13 games for the New York Yankees from ’07-’08. His career ERA is 6.66.

7- The supermarket in the long running animated series The Simpsons.

The Best of 2011

2011-12-31T13:10:00.001-05:00

As 2011 comes to a close it’s only appropriate for a “Best of” blog post to end the year. Not a “Best of” the blog (although that’d be awesome), but a best of the year in pop culture and to be honest with you, I don’t think 2011 was that great for entertainment. Below are a few bright spots in what I think was a rather disappointing year.

Best Movie of the Year that I saw- The Adjustment Bureau

A political figure (Matt Damon) is destined for greatness until he meets a woman (Emily Blunt) in a men’s bathroom who will throw him off track. The Adjustment Bureau, or angels behind the scenes that serve the world’s best interest, get him back on the righteous path (I didn’t notice the religious undertones until just now), but he can’t forget her. Matt Damon’s character eventually becomes aware of The Bureau and does everything he can to reunite with Blunt. That’s probably not the best endorsement for something that I’ve billed as the best movie of the year, but once you accept the plot (there are hats, doors, maps, etc.) you’ll notice that Damon and Blunt are truly fantastic together. Their on screen chemistry was off the charts. Blunt was also sneaky hot in that I don't remember her from anything else. I’m admittedly a sucker for movies that involve powerful political figures, but The Adjustment Bureau is a great film and I would recommend it to anyone.

I also enjoyed- Crazy, Stupid, Love, The Descendants, The Ides of March

I want to see- Drive, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Moneyball, The Artist

Best TV Show of the Year- Parks and Recreation

I used to watch every show on NBC’s Thursday night comedy lineup except for Parks and Recreation. For some reason Amy Poehler didn’t strike me as all that funny. However, two years ago a buddy at work repeatedly told me that Parks and Rec is the funniest show on television. It took about a year and a half, but I finally gave it a chance and it’s now one of my favorite shows of all time.

Here is Newsweek’s recap of what Parks and Rec did in 2011:

Parks and Recreation captures the spirit of optimism and hope, embodied by the dynamic and determined Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), who found herself tiptoeing into an illicit relationship with her boss, Ben (Adam Scott), and running for local political office. With wit and intelligence, Parks and Recreation painted a Springfieldian portrait of fictional small-town Americana—the Harvest Festival, anyone?—with incredible nuance, offering up a series of characters that are endearingly flawed and adorably sympathetic. In a season overflowing with “manxiety” comedy, there’s something refreshing about a show whose central relationship is between two female friends (Poehler and Rashida Jones), a will-they-won’t-they couple who unexpectedly tie the knot, an unrepentant libertarian (in Nick Offerman’s beloved Ron Swanson), and a protagonist who longs for the rewards of public service. Add in sex scandals, allusions to birthers, and Li’l Sebastian, and you have the makings of a show that’s perfection on a weekly basis. There’s a sweetness and energizing spirit to Parks and Recreation—and to Leslie herself—that sets it apart from the more darker, sarcastic shows in the current television landscape, offering an oasis that feels, remarkably, like coming home.

I also enjoyed- Friday Night Lights, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Boardwalk Empire

I want to see- Homeland, Breaking Bad (Season 4)

Best Song of the Year

For help in determining the best song of the year I will consult three reputable sources. Entertainment Weekly, Billboard, and Rolling Stone because I’ve been out of tune with the music industry for a while. Plus I was recently in Texas and the only thing I’ve listened to since is Country.

Entertainment Weekly's Best Singles of 2011

1. Nicki Minaj -- "Super Bass"
2. Foster the People -- "Pumped Up Kicks"
3. The Throne feat. Frank Ocean -- "No Church in the Wild"
4. Lana Del Rey -- "Video Games"
5. Beyoncé -- "Countdown"
6. Wild Flag -- "Romance"
7. Britney Spears -- "I Wanna Go"
8. Colbie Caillat -- "Brighter Than the Sun"
9. Foo Fighters -- "Walk"
10. Kelly Clarkson -- "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"

Billboard's 10 Best Songs of 2011

1. Nicki Minaj -- "Super Bass"
2. Adele -- "Someone Like You"
3. Britney Spears -- "Till the World Ends"
4. The Throne -- "N----s in Paris"
5. Kelly Rowland feat. Lil Wayne -- "Motivation"
6. Frank Ocean -- "Novacane"
7. Bon Iver -- "Holocene"
8. Lady Gaga -- "The Edge of Glory"
9. Chris Brown -- "Look at Me Now"
10. Adele -- "Rolling in the Deep"

Rolling Stone’s Top 10 Singles of 2011

1. Adele -- “Rolling in the Deep”
2. Jay-Z and Kanye West -- “Ni**as in Paris”
3. Britney Spears -- “Till the World Ends”
4. Foo Fighters -- “These Days”
5. Paul Simon -- “Rewrite”
6. Radiohead -- “Lotus Flower”
7. Lady Gaga -- “The Edge of Glory”
8. Beyonce -- “Countdown”
9. Lil Wayne feat. Cory Gunz -- “Six Foot Seven Foot”
10. The Decemberists -- “Don’t Carry it All”

I like Nicki Minaj, but I have a hard time giving the award to “Super Bass” after an 8 year old white girl performed it virtually on repeat for a month (this clip was everywhere). I’m not a fan of this Adele chick even though girls cream themselves to her. I can’t give the award to Jay-Z and Kanye after they decided to remove the letter “z” from the word crazy. I like the Foo Fighters song “These Days”, but I’ve only heard it 2-3 times. Feel free to judge me, but I think Lady Gaga was the artist of the year. She must be putting crack in her songs or something because they are catchy as hell. I actually enjoy most of her songs, so I’ll give “The Edge of Glory” my song of the year honors because it seems to be her most critically acclaimed hit of 2011.

I also enjoyed- Chris Young- “Home”, Kenny Chesney feat. Grace Potter- “You and Tequila”, Coldplay- “Paradise”

Best Book I read - “a visit from the goon squad” by Jennifer Egan

In case you’re keeping track at home this is two years in a row that my favorite book of the year has been written by a woman. I can’t point to 2-3 reasons why I enjoyed the book so much. I just did. I bought it because the back of the book said it was an inside look at the music industry. It’s not, but the writing is tremendous. It’s a hard book to sum up, so I found a review online and within the first paragraph the reviewer wrote, “This is a difficult book to summarize.” It’s basically about a big shot record producer who used to be in a punk rock band as a twentysomething and all the people around him at various points in his life. The book is not linear. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It jumps around from decade to decade. Each chapter is like its own story, but it’s tangentially related to the previous one. The discontinuity does not hinder the overall narrative. I would argue that it actually enhances it.

Here is a portion of the review from The Observer:

Goon Squad is a book about memory and kinship, time and narrative, continuity and disconnection, in which relationships shift and recombine kaleidoscopically. It is neither a novel nor a collection of short stories, but something in between: a series of chapters featuring interlocking characters at different points in their lives, whose individual voices combine to a create a symphonic work that uses its interconnected form to explore ideas about human interconnectedness. This is a difficult book to summarize, but a delight to read, gradually distilling a medley out of its polyphonic, sometimes deliberately cacophonous voices.

Everyone in the book is pushed around by time, circumstance and, occasionally, the ones they love, as Egan reveals with great elegance and economy the wobbly arcs of her characters' lives, their painful pasts and future disappointments. Characters who are marginal in one chapter become the focus of the next; the narrative alternates not only between first-person and third-person accounts, but – perhaps just because she can – Egan throws in a virtuosic second-person story as well, in which a suicidal young man tells his tale to a colloquial "you". She also shifts dramatically across times and places: punk teenagers in 1970s San Francisco become disillusioned adults in the suburbs of 1990s New York; their children grow up in an imagined, slightly dystopic future in the California desert, or attend a legendary concert at "The Footprint", where the Twin Towers used to be, sometime in the 2020s.

I also enjoyed- Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and 20 Under 40: Stories From The New Yorker

*None of the books I mentioned were published in 2011, although 2 were published in 2010. I just read them in 2011.

NBA Preview

2011-12-20T12:23:00.003-05:00

The NBA makes its triumphant return on Christmas Day and I couldn't be more excited. First of all, I don't have to work, which is fantastic news. I thought that the chock full Christmas Day slate in the NBA would keep me in CT for the holidays. I'm also excited because it finally seems like my beloved New York Knicks are legitimate contenders in the Eastern Conference for the first time in over a decade. Trust me when I tell you that I've watched far too many Knick games featuring Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady, Zach Randolph, Jamal Crawford (I loved him), etc.

In an effort to subside my hard on for the return to the hardwood I've decided to write a quick team by team preview for the upcoming 66 game season.

I've ranked the teams by conference and projected their 2011-12 record (Yes, the total wins and total losses are equal).

Eastern Conference

1.) Miami Heat (52-14)- The Heat lost in Game 6 of the NBA Finals last year and they’re only going to get better. If you gave me the Heat or the field to win the 2012 NBA title I would take the Heat and I wouldn’t even think twice about it.

2.) Chicago Bulls (48-18)- They certainly upgraded at the 2 with the addition of Rip Hamilton, but he’s wayyy past his prime. The Bulls are very solid, but who’s their #2 scorer? Carlos Boozer? How’d that work out last year?

3.) Boston Celtics (42-24)- I get it, they’re a year older. People keep pointing to this like Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett aren’t good anymore. I’m sure the compact 66 game schedule will affect them a little especially because their depth isn’t what it once was (which is only exacerbated now that Jeff Green is out for the year), but I’m not ready to sell the Celtics yet.

4.) New York Knicks (40-26)- The Knicks biggest concerns last year were defense, defensive rebounding, defending the low post, and protecting the rim. Tyson Chandler is the perfect addition because he does all of those things well, but he can’t cure all of the team’s ills. His unselfishness on the offensive end will also be a plus because there already aren’t enough shots for Melo and Amare. While Chandler makes perfect sense the Knicks had to give up Chauncey Billups and stability at PG to get him.

No, that's not Kimbo Slice. It's the Knicks new PG.

Enter Baron Davis. I’m very intrigued by this signing. For starters, ESPN’s Ric Bucher seems to think that Baron will only be out 4-5 weeks instead of the 8-10 that’s been reported. Everyone keeps saying that if Baron is healthy and motivated he’ll be great for the Knicks. “If he’s healthy and motivated.” I wish it were that easy for me. It’s almost like people are treating Baron like a supermodel/actress that gained a little weight. If she gets healthy (loses weight) and is motivated she can start wrecking dicks again.

5.) Atlanta Hawks (34-32)- The Hawks are stuck in a perpetual cycle of mediocrity. They are never going to win an NBA championship with this roster (especially with the absurd amount of $ they have invested in Joe Johnson). The way I see it the Hawks can either be the 4-5 seed for a few more years and never get past the 2nd round or they can blow the entire team up, bottom out, and hope to land a future superstar in the draft.

6.) Indiana Pacers (34-32)- I really like what the Pacers did this offseason in adding George Hill (a great sparkplug backup PG to push Collison) and David West (he was so underrated that he became overrated, but now he’s underrated again). A foundation of Darren Collison, Danny Granger, and David West may not be enough to win the title, but it’s certainly good enough for 6th place in the East.

7.) Philadelphia 76ers (33-33)- Doug Collins did a hell of a job with this team last year. They were young and he brought a sense of stability. They should get better with another year of experience.

8.) Milwaukee Bucks (32-34)- They lost Corey Maggette, John Salmons, and Keyon Dooling and replaced them with Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Stephen Jackson, and Beno Udrih. I’ll call that a slight upgrade. If Andrew Bogut stays healthy and Brandon Jennings takes a few less contested 3-pointers (he was 98 for 303 from deep last year) this team may climb back to the 6 spot, which is where they finished in 09-10.

9.) Orlando Magic (31-35)- I think Dwight will be traded before the trade deadline in March, but he’ll be around long enough to keep this team around .500.

10.) Detroit Pistons (29-37)- The Pistons are a worse (albeit younger) version of the Hawks. Sure I think that they’ll see a little addition by subtraction with Rip Hamilton gone, but how far are they going when Rodney Stuckey, Ben Gordon, Tayshaun Prince, Charlie Villanueva, Austin Daye, and Greg Monroe are their top 6 players?

11.) New Jersey Nets (24-42)- A full year (66 games, but you know what I meant) with Deron Williams running the show and the Nets should improve significantly. They swung and missed with Carmelo last year, but they seem to be one of the two landing spots for Dwight and he’s a game changer.

12.) Washington Wizards (21-45)- They will be very young, but there is a lot of talent on this roster. John Wall is the only star, but Syracuse native Andray Blatche and Nick Young can score, and Javale McGee protects the rim better than most.

13.) Charlotte Bobcats (18-48)- The Bobcats roster is horrendous. This is an easy comment to make, but I seriously think that Michael Jordan, at age 48, would be their best player. Seriously, this is their potential starting five...

PG- DJ Augustin
SG- Corey Maggette
SF- Boris Diaw
PF- Tyrus Thomas
C- Melvin Ely

14.) Cleveland Cavaliers (16-50)- Kyrie Iriving and Tristan Thompson better grow up in a hurry because there isn’t too much else on this roster other than a washed up Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varajeo.

15.) Toronto Raptors (15-51)- DeMar Derozan showed some signs last year, but I can’t get behind the foreign trio of Andrea Bargnani, Jose Calderon, and Linas Kleiza.

Western Conference

1.) Oklahoma City Thunder (49-17)- I still feel like they’re still a year away, but the West is theirs for the taking. Durant is an assassin, Perk slimmed down significantly, and James Harden stepped up in the playoffs. If Russell Westbrook can stop going 9855783 miles per hour at all times and learn to value the basketball the Thunder will be the team to beat in the West.

He either snorted a lot of cocaine, worked out a lot, or gave up Cap'n Crunch like C.C. Sabathia did.

2.) Dallas Mavericks (44-22)- They’re the defending champs, so I have to give them respect, but losing Chandler and Barea may come back to bite them. There’s no doubt that they’re talented, but I can’t figure out what they’re doing in the frontcourt. They essentially have 3 awkward forwards. Shawn Marion is a PF trapped in a SF’s body, Dirk is a SG trapped in a center’s body, and Lamar Odom is a SF trapped in a PF’s body.

3.) San Antonio Spurs (43-23)- Weird to think that they were the #1 seed last year. The roster didn’t change too much, which means that they’ll probably trot out an impact foreigner they drafted 3 years ago. Tony Parker, Manu, Richard Jefferson, and Tim Duncan may be old, but they know how to win and Gregg Popovich is one of the few coaches in the league that actually matters.

4.) Los Angeles Lakers (42-24)- Kobe may be a better player off the court this year (Hide your wives, hide your daughters, hide the hotel maids),but he’s still a top 3 player in the NBA (LBJ and Durant). Maybe he and Pau, who was clearly rattled in the playoffs after his GF dumped him, will get it together. Can't you see Kobe going on a one mission to avenge the wrong that David Stern did the Lakers by nixing the Chris Paul trade? All that said, the Lakers still have major concerns- PG defense, Andrew Bynum’s health, and first year head coach Mike Brown.

5.) Los Angeles Clippers (39-27)- The addition of CP3 may be slightly overstated, but it’s still a big deal. The Clippers starting 5 (CP3, Chauncey, Caron Butler, Blake Griffin, and DeAndre Jordan) is legit, but I question their depth. They do have 4 point guards (CP3, Chauncey, Mo Williams, and Eric Bledsoe), so they'd be the odds on favorite to win a ball handling competition (which is a lot more gay than it is noteworthy).

6.) Memphis Grizzlies (39-27)- The Grizzlies gained valuable experience in the playoffs last year (beat the Spurs in 6 and lost to the Thunder in 7). Z-Bo was simply a man among boys, which was FTW (fun to watch). Now they lost Shane Battier to the Heat, but they get Rudy Gay back from injury, so I expect them to build on last year’s momentum a little bit.

7.) Portland Trail Blazers (38-28)- They have great length in the frontcourt (Gerald Wallace, LaMarcus Aldridge, and the ageless Marcus Camby) as well as some firepower in the backcourt (Raymond Felton, Jamal Crawford, and Wesley Matthews).

8.) Denver Nuggets (38-28)- The Nuggets biggest problem this year may be in dealing with Chinese legalese as Wilson Chandler, JR Smith, and Kenyon Martin seem to be stuck in China until March. As for the team they’ll actually put on the court, Ty Lawson is an exciting PG, Nene is a solid center, and they have plenty of pieces to fill in the rest (Gallinari, Al Harrington, Andre Miller, etc.).

9.) Phoenix Suns (35-31)- The Suns will continue to fade in terms of NBA relevance as long as their roster is built around the 37-year-old Steve Nash and the 39-year-old Grant Hill. Sorry I’m not sorry that I can’t get excited about Shannon Brown (who I actually like), Channing Frye (it’s almost like there’s an electric fence around the 3-point line and he gets buzzed when he tries to go towards the rim), and Jared Dudley. The Suns do have great team chemistry, but that can only get you so far.

10.) Utah Jazz (34-32)- Their backcourt is highly questionable (Devin Harris, CJ Miles, Gordon Hayward and Raja Bell), but I like Derrick Favors and Al Jefferson, and I’m interested to see what Enes Kanter brings to the table.

11.) Golden State Warriors (32-34)- They can score. That much we know. The real question for them will be whether or not first year head coach Mark Jackson can bring some of that St. John’s/New York Knicks/post up point guard toughness to this team. I think they start to get things going in the right direction, but you aren’t going to the playoffs if Kwame Brown is your best defender.

12.) Houston Rockets (28-38)- This team is a collection of decent to not very good complimentary pieces. Kevin Martin and Luis Scola are solid, but they aren’t taking you anywhere.

13.) Sacramento Kings (23-43)- I really liked the addition of Chuck Hayes and it’s sad to see that his contract was voided because of a heart condition, but I still think that the Kings have improved. First and foremost, they drafted the Jimmer. I’m not sure what he’ll really bring (probably not much more than what J.J. Redick has done for the Magic), but he’s got a slight Tebow quality to him. Their best two players are clearly Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins and Marcus Thornton, J.J. Hickson, and John Salmons are fairly solid pieces to put around them.

14.) Minnesota Timberwolves (19-47)- They have three white PGs (Rubio, Barea, and Ridnour), three white bigs (Kevin Love, Darko, and Brad Miller), and a bunch of Player X’s. By Player X’s I mean that there are 4-5 guys that are not distinguishable from the others. If a casual NBA fan watched the Timberwolves play they’d be hard pressed to tell the difference between Wesley Johnson, Derrick Williams, Wayne Ellington, Michael Beasley, and Martell Webster.

One more point about the Timberwolves. For those people that say that Kevin Love is a top 10 player in the NBA. Stop it. I like Kevin Love. He’s a star with a unique skill set. He’s the best rebounder in the league and he can stroke it from deep, but here’s the problem. He’s at his best as the #2 or #3 option on offense. He can’t carry a team on his back. Just look at his track record. He was the best player on this team last year and they won 17 games. He’d be perfect on a team with a proven scorer like Kobe or Durant, but his skills aren’t fully utilized when he’s deferring to Michael Beasley.

15.) New Orleans Hornets (18-48)- The Hornets are going to be bad this season. Eric Gordon is a budding superstar and Chris Kaman is a serviceable center, but are they enough to win 20 games? I don’t think so.

Everything's Bigger in...

2011-12-13T16:29:00.002-05:00

So I was in the Dallas/Fort Worth area this weekend visiting my boy, and friend of the blog, RJ, who’s lived there for a few years. He’s a Cowboys fan and I’m a Giants fan, so it seemed like the perfect weekend to visit. Our buddy Hermo, who's a Giants fan like me, was supposed to come to, but he bailed a few weeks ago.

Here are some of the highlights of the trip.

1.) Real Texas BBQ- After RJ picked me up from the airport we went directly to a place called Railhead BBQ.

I didn’t know what I was in for, so I just went with the sampler platter. The platter contained delicious, moist ribs (the meat was literally falling off the bone), pulled pork, baked beans that I didn’t touch, coleslaw, barbecue sauce, two slices of white bread that seemed out of place even when I made a half sandwich with the pulled pork, and a gigantic goblet of beer that was pre-frozen (the goblet, not the beer) so much so that chunks of ice formed in the beer almost instantly. It was as if I were drinking a chemist’s concoction and not a beer, but it was phenomenal.

2.) Lockheed Factory Tour- RJ works for Lockheed Martin, which is a defense/technology based company that makes fighter jets, weapons, etc. for the U.S. government. The Fort Worth location manufactures three different types of fighter jets, so I got my American pride on as I toured the facility.

The place is enormous, which I guess makes sense because they build planes there. I wish I had a pedometer on during my visit because I’m pretty sure that I walked for over 2 miles just checking things out. My favorite part was the stealth paint color that reflects radars because it’s apparently such a high valued technology that if a drop gets in an employee’s hair the company will cut it all off before you can leave the premises.

3.) In & Out Burger- People on the West Coast crank it to In & Out Burger, so when I saw one in Dallas I made sure that we went there. I ordered a double double with fries and chocolate milkshake. The burger was amazing, but the fries were horrible…and I was hammered. Usually everything tastes great when I’m drunk, but these fries were brutal. The hype around In & Out Burger may be through the roof, but I’d much rather have Five Guys or Whataburger.

4.) Dealey Plaza- In case you don’t know, I was a politics minor in college and I’m a bit of a history buff, so when I decided to go to Dallas the first thing I wanted to do was go to Dealey Plaza. I’m sure most of you are asking yourself, “What’s Dealey Plaza?” Dealey Plaza is where JFK was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963. Don’t worry if you didn’t know that. I went to check it out with someone (RJ’s girlfriend) who thought JFK was assassinated in Washington DC and she lived in Texas for over a year. I think it’s safe to say that it’s the most famous murder in American history (most famous murder in history is probably Caesar, right?), especially because of the conspiracy theories about who may have played a role in its execution.

View from the Grassy Knoll

We were able to tour the 6th floor of the Texas School Book depository (where Lee Harvey Oswald fired at JFK), take pictures from the Grassy Knoll (where many believe a second shooter was located), and stand on the two X’s in the street which indicate where the presidential motorcade was when JFK was first hit and where he was when his head was blown off. It was a very cool feeling to take in such a historical site.

5.) Gun range- For the first time in my life I unloaded a gun that wasn’t attached to my body. I figured that if I was in Texas I had to shoot a gun, so it was probably #2 on my to do list. I was dumping my pants on the way to the range because of all the safety concerns, but it was more of a nervous anxiety. I was nervous about doing something wrong or against protocol, but also anxious to feel what it was like to pull the trigger on an actual fire arm.

The feeling of shooting a gun is unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. It is absolutely exhilarating to wield so much power. The avalanche of adrenaline adds to this feeling of invincibility, but there is also something calming and liberating about it.

6.) Authentic Dr. Pepper- People drink Dr. Pepper like it’s water down in Texas. In fact, it was invented in the 1880’s by a man named Charles Alderton in Waco. The first bottling plant was established in the nearby town of Dublin and it’s still in operation. It’s also the only plant that still uses the original formula because in the 1970’s all of the other bottling plants began to use cheaper corn sweeteners (high fructose corn syrup) instead of the original sugar. The Dublin plant only ships their Dr. Pepper to stores within a 44 mile radius, so I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to taste the original product while in Texas because Dallas is about 100 miles northeast of Waco. Apparently some of the stores in the 44 mile radius sell the original sugar variety to retail chains (Walmart) in Dallas, so I had the opportunity to try to the real formula. My expectations were naturally high and the original sugar variety didn’t exactly meet them. The difference, to my admittedly weak palate, was negligible.

7.) Honky Tonk Bar- We went to a bar on Friday night and if I didn’t know any better I would have thought I was in NYC or Boston. Looking around no one looked like they were from Texas. So on Saturday RJ took me to the area of Forth Worth known as The Stockyards.

We went to a bar called Cadillac’s that was as honky tonk as honky tonk gets. They were playing country songs that avid country fans from the Northeast have most likely never heard of and everyone in the bar knew all of the words. I saw about 4 Texas Rangers baseball hats and about 50 cowboy hats. 75% of the guys were dressed like they just came from the rodeo. In fact, all of the TVs in the bar were showing the rodeo. People were doing the Texas Two Step in a small area designated for dancing like it was going out of style. The age range of the clientele was about 20-60 and there was a nice mix. I swear, I felt more out of place than the lone black guy in the bar dressed in Cowboy garb. That all said, I thought it was awesome.

8.) Cowboy Stadium- Although there were plenty of reasons for me to go to Dallas, the main reason was to see Cowboy Stadium. Back in 2009 it made my Top 10 list of sports venues that every fan needs to experience and I’m glad that I got to check it off my list. First and foremost, the video screen is as advertised…enormous.

I spent about 66% of the game looking at it. That might have something to do with the fact that we didn’t get actual tickets to the game. We got party passes and had to stand on the concourse for the entirety of the game, but I snuck up to watch the game with my own eyes a few times and even walked down a level and stood in the last row for the last 5 minutes of the 3rd quarter and first 7 minutes of the 4th quarter.

The fact that the Giants came back from a 12 point deficit in the final 3:14 made my experience in the stadium that much sweeter.

That's What He Said- Chapter 3

2011-12-02T11:27:00.004-05:00

If the title of this post looks foreign to you, then read these first.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

And now here's...

Chapter 3

“Dan, I just read your first article. I didn’t know you were so graphic!” That was just one of five or six texts concerning my first column I received on that Wednesday night as I was sitting in the office of The Stamford Advocate, where I interned as a sports writer.

I spent many hours in that office taking calls from coaches, writing game recaps, and writing feature stories about high school sporting events and athletes¹. I traveled all over Fairfield County and covered high school football, soccer, and field hockey games. This experience vastly improved my writing and interviewing skills, but in doing so it also created an unforeseen problem for me. The problem being my attraction to many of the good looking high school girls that I repeatedly interviewed². Have no fear though, my professionalism superseded my libido. I also don’t have that much game, but that’s a different story.

My responsibilities that night were very minimal. I sat around the office and waited for 7-8 high school soccer coaches to call in their results. Based on the statistics that they provided I wrote brief game recaps and typed up the accompanying box scores. That was it. I was caught off guard when my LG flip phone began vibrating more than the office phone was ringing because I didn’t know that The Mirror came out on Wednesday nights. I always assumed that it was a Thursday thing, probably because I never had any classes late on Wednesdays.

Late classes were against my method of having fun in college while still being successful academically. The unwritten weekly social calendar was arranged in such a way as to maximize the amount of drinking nights. Mondays and Wednesdays were off days, ($2)Tuesdays, (Thirsty) Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were game days, and Sundays (Fundays) were optional. While late classes were against my personal policy, so too were early classes because, like most college kids, I liked to sleep in. Therefore I always arranged my class schedule by balancing those two factors. By not starting my days too early and not ending them too late most of my classes landed in the 11 o’clock a.m. to three o’clock p.m. range. Being done with class at three o’clock afforded me with the opportunity to go to the library to finish a paper or project by five or six o’clock. That way, while the slackers and procrastinators were in the library all night, I was out partying. From what I can tell the library turned into quite the social scene on some nights, but as far as I know they never served any adult beverages there.

The general sentiments I received that night via text were what I expected; laughter combined with a little bit of shock. My friends were largely shocked because I did not necessarily give off a misogynistic aura. I was always loud and opinionated, but never to the extent where I was the life of the party. Trust me, I have much more self-respect than that.

I also wasn’t much of a womanizer. I was much more of a good guy than a bad boy when it came to girls. My plan of attack, if you could even call it that, was to become friends with a girl and attempt to take that friendship to the next level. As I hope you’ve learned, this isn’t the best course of action if you are looking to score with a large quantity of girls. My excuse is that I was looking for quality, not quantity. Whatever, it helps me sleep at night.

I understood the surprise that my friends initially felt because my persona going into senior year was not what people generally associated with the “He Said” writer. Upon hearing about my new role, one of my friends said, “I just don’t see it. It’s not your style.” I expected him to be excited, but you know what? He was right. I went to class, got good grades (graduated cum laude, what’s up?), didn’t drink beer for breakfast, and didn’t approach hooking up with girls like hurdles on a track. It should be noted that I was marginalized, by my friends no less, because I didn’t fit a stereotype.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a few butterflies in my stomach as I walked to class that Thursday. The first edition of The Mirror had saturated our campus. Issues could be found by the hundreds at the entrance and exit of just about every academic and administrative building around. I’m not sure if any other contributing writer would admit this, but the paper’s main purpose was distraction. Kids were sure to grab a copy before heading to class so that they could be entertained, if only for a few minutes. The three components of The Mirror that best served this purpose, entertainment by way of distraction, were the Campus Crime Beat, the College Crossword Puzzle, and the “He Said/She Said” column.

The Campus Crime Beat was successful because it showcased what kids were getting in trouble for on campus. Whether it was an intruder on campus, the amount of beer that was confiscated from a dorm room, or a kid caught cranking it in a computer lab³. There was also an element of humor in this section because the violations were written by Public Safety and thus put into proper terminology. This meant that the word “bong” would be replaced by “marijuana smoking device” and so on.

The College Crossword Puzzle was a syndicated piece that was strictly a time-killer during Thursday and Friday classes. I don’t even think that too many kids took the time to check and see if their answers were right the following week. I mean, you have to be really committed to a crossword puzzle to save it for an entire week just to see how well you did.

The “He Said/She Said” was widely read for its potential for humor. The first issue of the year was especially critical because there was that new sense of hope that the writers would be funny, similar to the hope that fans of all 30 teams feel on the opening day of the Major League Baseball season. In this instance, the first impression was everything.

Although I had received positive feedback from a handful of friends the previous night, I still anxiously awaited to hear how the student body would react to my first installment of truth serum. My anxiety only increased when I realized that people would soon start recognizing me because my picture was placed smack dab in between my words.

Jackie and I had been called down to the Barone Campus Center, where The Mirror’s office was located, earlier that week for a photo shoot. In years past, the picture had said a lot about the personalities of the “He Said” writers. The “He Said” writer my freshman year wore a black, short sleeve shirt with the word “College” on it. If that wasn’t playing to the stereotype, I don’t know what is. Sophomore year the “He Said” writer wore a basic long sleeve shirt and crossed his arms, presumably to hide his gut. As I’ve already discussed, the “He Said” during my junior year wore a Red Sox jersey, crossed his arms, and smirked. I wanted to sort of get into the “He Said” ‘character’ for my picture, but unfortunately this plan fell through, despite some intriguing ideas. Tim suggested that I have the picture taken of me on the toilet, pants at my ankles, while reading an issue of The Mirror. During the actual photo shoot, I suggested that Jackie get on her knees as to show the back of her head over my crotch region. She unfortunately declined.

A few days earlier I asked a fashion forward female what I should wear and her advice really put things in perspective for me. She said, “Wear something plain. That way it’ll never go out of style.” I know nothing about style or fashion, but once she said that I pictured those 1970s yearbook pictures that you always see and thought about what it would be like to look back on my picture 20 years later. Once this thought entered my mind I immediately knew what to wear: my orange Syracuse University t-shirt that was a staple of my game day attire at the Carrier Dome. Unfortunately the back of the shirt, which read “Real Men Wear Orange”, would not be shown in the picture, but I was proud of my decision either way because I’ve always been a big proponent of the advice, “remember your roots.” There’s just something about recognizing where you came from and how that environment shaped your being.

The reaction I received from the members of my class that night at the bar was overwhelmingly positive. Seemingly everyone I knew told me how much they loved my first column. Even acquaintances that I was no longer on a verbal hello level with broke from the status quo to express the enjoyment they received from reading my work. My overt explicitness seemed to be the overriding impression as many of the comments I received were centered on a few of my more daring lines. One of my male friends said, “I can’t believe you wrote leave your mark on.... or in the freshmen girls. Like you could do either.” Others were amazed by my decision to use the Grand Canyon as a way to characterize the vagina of a girl that gets around⁴. Drunk and reveling in my early success, I told most of the people that applauded my efforts that my first column was just a taste of what was to come. Shortly thereafter I realized that I had set the bar extremely high. I mean, I had had a few months to write and revise that first column and now I would have less than a week to churn out column number two. My uber self-confidence didn’t allow me to doubt my abilities even for a second although the hype around my column was now greatly increased. Thankfully that night and corresponding morning provided all the inspiration I would need to keep the buzz alive⁵.

During the first few weeks of school I had my eyes set on dating a girl in my grade named Kristen. She and I had been very into each other during the fall of our junior year, but we didn’t exactly get the chance to completely consummate our feelings because she went abroad to Australia in the spring. Kristen was short, rail thin, extremely tan, and she had huge, almost bug-like eyes. Her straight, brown hair had a few blonde streaks mixed in and it went well past her shoulders. I thought she was good looking, but detractors later told me that they thought she looked like a tired, old Asian woman.

She was guarded from the get go, but the more we hung out the more she opened up. Breaking down her walls was not an easy process. I felt like Andy Dufresne with his rock hammer at first⁶, but the more I chipped away the more interested I became. I soon found out that her shyness was just a defense mechanism. Behind the façade was a girl with incredible depth that was fun to be around. She was just desperate to connect with someone, but scared to open up to the wrong guy.

Although I had expected things to pick up where they left off, they didn’t. It might have had something to do with the fact that while I was at a party with Matty K at Kristen’s house in Long Island that summer I ended up hooking up with her best friend from home⁷. Either way, by this point she was very much into this kid that she had gotten to know while in Australia, but still had the audacity to lead me on. She was my number one target every night at the bar. After things fell through with her, which they did virtually every night, I would move on to plan B; Jackie. Now before I go on, let the record show that I was probably Jackie’s plan B (possibly even her plan C or D) just as she was mine. Having history with a girl almost guarantees one, if not many, relapse hookups. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that once a guy hooks up with a girl he knows that there is always a chance that it can happen again. Once the seed has been planted, perhaps literally, he knows that she is attainable.

That being said, Jackie and I had hooked up a few times by that point. Due to this, I spent a considerable amount of my time at the bar talking to her. Normally people would have paid no mind to our innocent dalliance, but this changed with our columns at the forefront of conversations among our classmates. That night, the first barrage of “Oh my God, It’s He Said and She Said!” ensued. I’m not sure how many people knew that we were even hooking up, but the mere sight of us together incited this mundane observation to be pointed out by far too many people.

The bar where the majority of the Fairfield senior class congregated 4-5 days a week was called The Seagrape. It was a dumpy, old, disgusting bar, but it was the only one within walking distance of the beach houses where most seniors lived. Going to The Grape, as it was commonly called, was almost like a rite of passage for Fairfield seniors. Underclassmen were welcome at beach house parties, but they were shunned if they even thought about entering The Grape.

The bar inside The Grape was rectangular in shape and right in the middle of the building, so you could get the attention or one of the bartenders from any of the 4 sides. Like most bars though, the male bartenders served every attractive female first, so you usually had to get two drinks at a time. There was an ATM by the door on the right hand side that rarely had any money in it. Opposite that was a lobster tank filled with live lobsters that you could pay $5 to attempt to scoop out with a claw as well as a Golden Tee arcade machine.

In the back right of the bar was the men’s room which had an old school, stadium style trough that got real sloppy on weekend nights. Against the back wall were two dart boards that required manual scorekeeping on small green chalk boards. The back left corner of The Grape extended awkwardly for about 20 feet. It was there where the entrance to the women’s room lived. A wooden bench stretched along the entire left wall of the bar and many people left their coats near the women’s bathroom during the winter.

As the last call bell rang that Thursday, Jackie and I stumbled our way back to her house just like we had the previous night. Her house, which she shared with three other girls, was in an area known as ‘the point.’ The point consisted of a group of 15-20 clustered houses that were the most coveted by rising seniors. This area was the most sought after because of its prime location. For starters, The Grape was right across the street, so pre and post bar parties were a plenty in these parts. There was also a spacious wooden deck connected to the four houses closest to the water that served as the party capital of Fairfield beach. In order to gain entry into the point you had to pass a gate that was always open, but ‘monitored’ by security guards that did less work than cardboard cutouts would have done. When it came to Saturday day drinking, or senior events, the point was where all the action was.

After getting some action in Jackie’s bed I made the 0.7 mile trek back to my house in the morning. Although I thought that I left her house in a socially acceptable manner (I don’t mean to suggest that I did or didn’t) leaving a girl’s place at the appropriate time is always a guessing game. Sometimes the girl wants you to stick around to cuddle, get breakfast, etc. and sometimes she wants you to leave as soon as possible. It’s a topic that’s never really talked about between people that hook up, but it certainly should be. In fact, there should be a general rule of thumb, or an agreed upon protocol to adhere to. Avoiding the awkwardness of staying too long or leaving too early is something that you’d think both parties would be concerned with. Obviously there are many variables, but waking up in bed with a chick is oftentimes sobering in more than the literal sense. Thankfully on this particular Friday morning I had the “I have to go to class” excuse in my pocket, so Jackie and I avoided any sort of pre meridiem uneasiness.

Evidently the AM etiquette was on Jackie’s mind throughout the weekend because she placed the first of many column related calls that Sunday afternoon as I was supervising a number of intramural flag football games and suggested that we write our second columns on the morning after. I ok’d the topic, but not before making a few ~~not so~~ sly comments about the morning afters that we had shared together. She said that she didn’t want us to get too personal⁸, which was fine by me. I had plenty of other personal experiences from which to pull from as well as a number of general observations that I wanted to share.

The hot term at the time was “walk of shame.” This phrase was meant to describe a female’s walk back to her domicile after spending the night at a lucky gentlemen’s pad. The shame not only being connected to her regrets about what and with whom she did things, but also in her being forced to walk somewhere in the same clothes that she had gone out in the night before. Seeing a girl all dolled up in high heels walking across campus or away from the point was a frequent and hysterical occurrence.

I aimed to connect with as much of my audience as possible with this column because sleeping in bed with a member of the opposite sex is something that most college kids experience. Almost everyone has been through those morning moments where all you want to do is forget about who you hooked up with, make a b line for the toilet, and fall asleep comfortably in your own bed. While most people can relate to this general awkwardness, each year of college seemed to have its own intricacies that added to the experience. Therefore I geared my words towards members of each grade to provide a year by year breakdown of the morning after.

The Mirror on September 19th, 2007:

The Morning After

Ahh the morning after. It can either be as awkward as possible or you can thrive. When you wake up, roll over and say, “Who are you?” you know you either settled for a wildabeast to break out of a slump or it was $1 pitcher night at the bar. Every guy gets that one track mind where he’ll do anything to get some and unfortunately alcohol makes wayyy too many females doable.

You know the type, better known as “the six pack” where you wouldn’t do it sober, but once you slug a few you can’t keep your paws off of her.

The worst are the chunky girls with huge knockers, or as I like to call them Heffers - yes from Rocko’s Modern Life. Doesn’t it seem as if almost all overweight women are incredibly well endowed? It’s gotta just be the fat, right? Well anyway, these jumblies blind our little man’s only eye and he can’t see all those pounds she’s packing elsewhere.

But, don’t worry guys, you gotta slay a few dragons before you get to the princess.

Freshmen- Sleeping on an all girl floor can be a recipe for disaster. And that recipe is what you left brewing in your stomach all night because you were in bed with a girl. Get out of there before your mental ticker starts counting down the seconds until the Hershey Factory opens.

Sophomores- I think the term walk of shame was created for the walk from Kostka to Jogues. Whatever you do, don’t cut through the BCC. It seems tempting, but not even Angel the maintenance man can clean you up in time where you wouldn’t get noticed.

Juniors- If you get with a girl on a futon, don't pretend you are still asleep when a house mate comes downstairs for breakfast. Say good morning and toss him the remote that was lying on your sack.

Seniors- If you don’t live at the point you better bring your road grays with you to the bar because you are going to have a heavy dose of away games this year.

And for the rest of you who haven’t experienced the awkward hookup yet, it’s the second week of school so I will go ahead and assume you know your roommates schedule better than you know your own so you can have some solo study time with your right handed tutor.

That’s all for now.....my roommate has History until 3:15.

1- I wrote an article about a sophomore running back named Silas Redd, who is currently the starting running back and best player on Penn State.

2- I came realll close to Facebooking one of them.

3- That actually happened

4- We had countless nicknames to describe girls that we didn’t know freshman year and the Grand Canyon was one of them. Some girl that lived in our building was whoring herself out in the first month of the year. Not literally, but the nickname seemed apropos. Other nicknames included “Basketball Girl”, “Walks with a purpose”, and “Fan Girl”.

5- If this thing ever gets published I’m sure this chapter will end here.

6- If you haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption (1994) then stop what you’re doing right now and go rent it. Or just turn on TNT because it airs there about 200 times a year.

7- I expected to hook up with Kristen that night, but we only made out for about 10-15 seconds because she said that there was a kid at the party that expressed feelings for her recently and she didn’t want to make him upset. As the night wound down only Matty K, Kristen’s best friend from home that “she couldn’t wait for me to meet”, and I were still partying. Matty K had a lott of whiskey, so he soon passed out, which left me and Kristen’s friend alone. For some reason we went outside and laid down on a hammock. She made the first move and we made out for a while, but I stopped and told her that I couldn’t keep going because I liked Kristen so much. After a minute past she went in for the kill again and we made out for a little while before I again stopped her and told her that I liked her best friend too much to do anything further. It should also be noted that Kristen’s best friend had a boyfriend of over a year at the time.

8- She actually took a pretty good shot at me in her column that week.

Please let me know what you thought of this chapter (and the previous two). Post a comment or send me a text, tweet, or email. The more feedback I can get the better it will be for you (and me) going forward. And when I say feedback I mean both good or bad (there's already been a little of both). If something confused you or you think needs to be explained better don't hesistate to let me know. If you particularly enjoyed something (a line, a story, a reference) then let me know.

Bracket Fever

2011-11-28T19:04:00.000-05:00

I know it’s still November, but I already have bracket fever. 1.) The Syracuse Orange have already won their first tournament of the year (Preseason NIT) and 2.) About a month ago I was tasked with coming up with a bracket idea for work because our sales team wanted to go out and sell it. My idea? A 64 team tournament of comedic films that will answer the question, “What is the funniest movie of all time?” We will conduct the tournament during March Madness (the winner will be declared via online voting), but now I have to figure out what movies make the field and what seed they should all be. In case you were wondering, I did not include any sequels. In fact, most comedic sequels suck anyway. Below is what I came up with, but any input would be appreciated.

First the seeds…

1- Caddyshack (1980)
1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
2- Airplane (1980)
2- Animal House (1978)
2- Tommy Boy (1995)
2- The Hangover (2009)
3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
3- Old School (2003)
3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
3- Billy Madison (1995)
4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
4- Meet the Parents (2000)
4- Big Daddy (1999)
5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
5- Superbad (2007)
5- The Naked Gun (1988)
5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
6- Zoolander (2001)
6- Wayne’s World (1992)
6- Ghostbusters (1984)
6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
7- Groundhog Day (1993)
7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
7- American Pie (1999)
7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
8- Half Baked (1998)
8- Spaceballs (1987)
8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)
9- Office Space (1999)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
10- Major League (1989)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)
11- Coming to America (1988)
11- Beerfest (2006)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
12- Step Brothers (2008)
12- Super Troopers (2001)
12- Black Sheep (1996)
12- Friday (1995)
13- The Break Up (2006)
13- Stripes (1981)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
14- Kingpin (1996)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)
14- Road Trip (2000)
15- Dirty Work (1998)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)

LAST FOUR IN

16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)
16- Hall Pass (2011)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

FIRST FOUR OUT

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Starsky and Hutch(2004)
Planes, Trains, & Automobiles (1987)
Team America: World Police (2004)

NEXT FOUR OUT

Swingers (1996)
BASEketball (1998)
Van Wilder (2002)
Saving Silverman (2001)

OUT

The Waterboy (1998)
The Cable Guy (1996)
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Waiting (2005)
Big (1988)
Along Came Polly (2004)
Scary Movie (2000)

And now the matchups…

Happy/Madison Region (top left)

1- Caddyshack (1980)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)

5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
12- Friday (1995)

4- Big Daddy (1999)
13- The Break Up (2006)

3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
14- Road Trip (2000)

6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)

7- Groundhog Day (1993)
10- Major League (1989)

2- The Hangover (2009)
15- Dirty Work (1998)

The Farrelly Brothers Region (bottom left)

1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)

8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
9- Office Space (1999)

5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
12- Step Brothers (2008)

4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
14- Kingpin (1996)

6- Zoolander (2001)
11- Coming to America (1988)

7- American Pie (1999)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)

2- Airplane (1980)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)

The National Lampoon’s Region (top right)

1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
16- Hall Pass (2011)

8- Spaceballs (1987)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)

5- Superbad (2007)
12- Super Troopers (2001)

4- Meet the Parents (2000)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)

3- Old School (2003)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)

6- Wayne’s World (1992)
11- Beerfest (2006)

7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)

2- Tommy Boy (1995)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)

The Judd Apatow Region (bottom right)

1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)

8- Half Baked (1998)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)

5- The Naked Gun (1988)
12- Black Sheep (1996)

4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
13- Stripes (1981)

3- Billy Madison (1995)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

6- Ghostbusters (1984)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)

7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)

2- Animal House (1978)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

If you think I snubbed a movie or any of my seeds are grossly unfair please let me know and I will re-evaluate.

By the way, based on how I've arranged the bracket I think my Final Four would be Talladega Nights, Wedding Crashers, Tommy Boy, and Billy Madison

Ph(r)ase Out

2011-11-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

I like to think of myself as a glass half full kind of person, but there are a lottt of things that bother me. Whether it's the individual actions of people or the rules that govern our society I'm easily annoyed. What better place to vent some of my frustrations than right here. Below are 10 words/phrases that are overused, outdated, and annoying. I'm sure I could add about 50 others, but these have really grinded my gears of late.

Occupy _____ - Just stop now. Please. No one is laughing. I’m even at the point where I’m against something this mock tweet, “Taking a 20 minute dump at work. #OccupyTheStall”

I’m just saying- I hatttte when people say this phrase like it admonishes them of saying something dumb. “I’m just saying” is not a legitimate excuse for being a tool (also an overused phrase). Plus, I heard you say what you said so saying “I’m just saying” does not reinforce your point it just reinforces how stupid your original comment was. A guy at work (who is actually a real cool dude) says, “I’m not saying. I’m just saying,” allll the time. Which one is it?

I hope all is well- I used to say/write this all the time until my buddy Matty K told me how much it bothered him to see other people use it so freely. I have since tried to stay away from using it because I agree that it’s overused, meaningless, and annoying. Matty K recently emailed me this tweet from comedian Colin Kane: @ColinKane When writing emails today, I challenge you to replace "Hope all is well" with "Fuck off and choke on a dick."

Wait, really?...Really?- Yes. Don’t act so surprised. Your faux disbelief is about as annoying as how I just used the word faux.

Literally- Unless you’re Chris Traeger (Rob Lowe) from Parks and Recreation I suggest that you stop using this word altogether. I hate when people say/write the word “literally” mainly because it’s rarely used properly. It was once used to add a hint of sarcasm while embellishing. For example in the phrase, “I could literally eat an entire cow right now.” Saying “I could eat an entire cow right now” is an embellishment and adding “literally” implies that you’re serious, but you’re clearly not. The effect of this sarcasm wore off more than a decade ago. Unfortunately under educated people still use “literally” in instances like this and it bothers me greatly. Saying, “I literally want to kill myself right now” means that you’re suicidal. Just write what you really mean. “I’m really upset about something (that’s probably innocuous) and I want my friends to give me comfort.”

It is what it is- I’ve definitely used this phrase to signify my passive acceptance of something, but it’s lazy and unoriginal. Saying “it is what it is” means that you either don’t have the power to change something or that you don’t have the mental capacity to form an opinion.

Can I get a RT?- This is just flat out embarrassing. It’s like begging for pity. Why don’t you think of something witty to say to a celebrity that you follow on Twitter and hope that he/she re-tweets it. I dislike this desperation tactic so much that I'm adding it to my hate list.

Like us on Facebook- I like nothing on Facebook unless someone I know keeps asking me to like a company they run or work for.

Thrown under the bus- It’s amazing that this phrase is used so broadly when everything nowadays has to be politically correct. It’s used so often that no one stops and thinks about how graphic the image of throwing someone under the bus actually is. We’ve become desensitized to it, but still cringe if someone says something like, “Kicked the chair out from underneath him”.

Gone viral- We need a new phrase to explain how a story/video/tweet/etc. has made the rounds on all media platforms because I’m done with this one.

Top 25- Actors

2011-11-07T12:25:00.001-05:00

I always used to say that Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio were 1 and 1A when it comes to male actors. I still think the world of them both, but I don’t think it’s accurate to put them on that kind of pedestal. Case in point, Denzel hasn’t been in a good movie since Dejavu (2007) and that’s a stretch and DiCaprio has never, I repeat never, won an Academy Award. That said, I think it’s time that I accurately rank the best actors in Hollywood much like I’ve ranked the best actresses twice.

Here are the criteria that I will use:

-Talent- How good of an actor are you? Can you play multiple roles? Have you been typecast? Do your performances stand out and have a lasting impact?
-Prestige- Is your name big enough to sell a movie? Does your acting resume stack up? Have you been nominated for, or won, big time awards?
-Exposure- Do I know who your wife/girlfriend is? If so, how hot is she? Are you all over the tabloid magazines? How much are you in the public eye?
-Wealth- What kind of price tag do you have on you? What do you make per movie?
-Recent Activity- What have you done for me lately? When I hear your name can I easily recall the most recent movie that you've been in? If so, was that movie successful?

Top 25

1.) George Clooney- I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone that doesn’t like Clooney. He’s as big of a big wig as there is in Hollywood. He’s all over the news whenever it comes to actors contributing to disaster relief efforts. It’s almost unfathomable because he’s been around for so long, but I would argue that Clooney is still in his prime. His acting resume just keeps getting better. He’s been nominated for Best Actor twice (Michael Clayton (2008), Up in the Air (2010) and should garner another nom for The Descendants (2011), he’s won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (Syriana (2005)), and he’s directed some quality films in Good Night, and Good Luck (2005) and this year’s political thriller The Ides of March (2011).

Clooney also deserves a lot of credit for his dating resume. He wisely dates attractive women that are only tangibly famous. He’s always the more famous one in the relationship, so when he runs through girlfriend after girlfriend there is no sob story from the ex because people only her as the girl that dated Clooney.

The perfect illustration of Clooney’s power and fame involves his new girlfriend and former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler. Kebiler, who I want to say was also on Dancing With The Stars, has an appearance fee of $10,000 (absurd, I know). Basically she gets paid 10 large to show up to events and be hot (she has legs for days). Since she started dating Clooney her attendance fee has increased to $25,000. That means that Stacy Keibler became 150% more famous only because Clooney’s taking her to Pound Town.

2.) Leonardo DiCaprio- Not exactly a huge drop from 1 or 1A, but as I noted earlier, Leo’s biggest weakness is that he’s never taken home the hardware at The Oscars. He’s been nominated twice for Best Actor and once for Best Supporting Actor, but has never really been in the discussion to win. It’s almost hard to believe because DiCaprio rarely swings and misses. He once ran off the following stretch in consecutive order.

Gangs of New York (2002)- nominated for Best Picture
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Aviator (2004)- Best Actor nomination
The Departed (2006)- won Best Picture
Blood Diamond (2006)- Best Actor nomination

His only real flop was Revolutionary Road (2008) in which he starred alongside Kate Winslet, and I actually thought it was a pretty good movie. He should garner another Best Actor nom for his portrayal of the first director of the FBI in the biopic J. Edgar (2011), but I don’t think that he’ll win. Leo is like the Indianapolis Colts from 1999-2006. They were always good, sometimes dominant, but they could never win the big one.

While Leo has never won the big one for his work on the silver screen he’s more than made up for it with his work off of the screen. He dated various models and actresses in the 90’s, but what he’s done in the past 10 years is virtually unprecedented. He dated supermodel and current Mrs. Tom Brady Giselle Bundchen from 2001-2005 when she was probably the most attractive woman in the world, then moved on to the woman that took her place in supermodel Bar Refaeli and dated her from 2005 until May of this year.

Since May Leo reportedly dated up and coming smokeshow actress Blake Lively.

3.) Brad Pitt- First and foremost, he was married to the woman that’s #2 on my list of actresses, but he upgraded and he’s now married to the woman that’s #1. Pitt has mellowed in the past few years, but he’s often thought of as one of the rock star actors. His celebrity has been off the charts for years. What gets lost in the shuffle of Pitt’s good looks and female conquests is that he’s actually a pretty good actor. He’s not great or transcendent by any means, but he’s certainly above average. He’s been nominated for two Oscars, most recently for Best Actor for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008), and he’ll most likely be nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Billy Beane in Moneyball (2011).

4.) Sean Penn- Penn is a polished actor who’s seemingly done it all over the course of his career. From comedy (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) to mentally challenged (I Am Sam) to high drama (Mystic River) his range is just incredible. He’s the only man to win Best Actor more than once since Tom Hanks in the mid 90’s.

He’s also been married to Madonna and Robin Wright (Jenny in Forrest Gump), he’s dated Jewel, and he’s been spotted with Scarlett Johanssen. On top of all of that Penn is like the Bono of actors when it comes to political and social causes.

5.) Matt Damon- Damon is just incredibly likeable. He was the bad guy in The Departed (2006) and the first time I saw the movie I found myself rooting for him. He’s perhaps best known for his breakout performance in Good Will Hunting (1998) and The Bourne trilogy, but he’s been in plenty of other quality films. For example, Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Syriana (2005), True Grit (2010), and I really liked his performance in The Adjustment Bureau (2011).

6.) Colin Firth- His name doesn’t carry a lot of cachet, but the good natured Brit has been nominated for Best Actor in back to back years including a win for his role in The King’s Speech last year.

7.) Denzel Washington- My man. Denzel, where have you been lately? His work in Training Day (2001) and Man on Fire (2004) is iconic, but the best African American actor of all time will continue to slide down these ranking unless he gets it going again.

8.) Ryan Gosling- He’s come a long way since The Notebook (2004). You know that Gosling’s acting ability is legitimate because he’s gotten recognition for his work in indie films. He’s never really had a huge production firm totting his work. He was nominated for Best Actor in 2007 for playing a high school teacher who smokes pot in Half Nelson and he was one of the biggest Oscar snubs last year for playing a deadbeat husband opposite Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine (2010). He’s also having a great 2011 starring in the critically acclaimed action film Drive as well as playing the lead in George Clooney’s political thriller The Ides of March.

To top it all off he's reportedly been dating the sultry Eva Mendes.

9.) Javier Bardem- Bardem seemingly came out of nowhere, but it doesn’t look like he’s going away anytime soon.

He fathered a child this year with his smoking hot wife Penelope Cruz, he won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 2008 (No Country for Old Men), and he was nominated for Best Actor for his work in a film that not many people, including me, have seen (Biutiful).

10.) Johnny Depp- People love Johnny Depp. I am not one of them. Either way he gets paid a boatload of money for every movie he stars in and the public remains fascinated with him regardless of the quality of his work. He is unquestionably one of the most elite actors in Hollywood.

11.) Christian Bale- He can be the lead in a movie (American Pscyho), he can serve his purpose in a movie (The Dark Knight), and he can steal a movie with one of the best performances that I’ve ever seen (The Fighter). He’s also a hot head that I often forget is from across the pond.

12.) Jeff Bridges- What a resurgence for the dude. Bridges won Best Actor in 2010 for his role in Crazy Heart and followed it up with another Oscar nomination for Best Actor this year for his role in True Grit.

13.) Philip Seymour Hoffman- He’s won an Oscar for Best Actor (Capote), but he’s at his best in a supporting role. He was hysterical in Along Came Polly (2004), great in Oscar nominated roles in Charlie Wilson’s War (2007) and Doubt (2008), and I expect him to be fantastic in Moneyball (2011) and The Ides of March (2011).

14.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt- I hatttted him when he was on 3rd Rock From the Sun. In fact, I hated 3rd Rock From the Sun. Gordon-Levitt has come a long way since then, though. He was outstanding in (500) Days of Summer and Inception and I’ve heard nothing but positives from 50/50.

15.) Jeremy Renner- I can’t say that I’m a big fan of Renner. It’s not that I don’t like him, but the Academy seems to love him and I can’t figure it out. He was nominated for Best Actor for his role in The Hurt Locker (2009) and nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his role in The Town (2010).

16.) Robert Downey, Jr.- The only member of the Brat Pack that’s still relevant. Downey, Jr. partied hard through the 80’s, got hooked on drugs in the 90’s, and now he’s back and better than ever.

17.) Mark Wahlberg- I still can’t get over the fact that he originally broke onto the scene as a rapper, but Wahlberg has worked tirelessly to reinvent himself on multiple occasions.

18.) Ben Affleck- Don’t ask me why, but I’ve always been a huge fan of Affleck. He also gets bonus points for being married to Jennifer Garner.

19.) Viggo Mortensen- Easily the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He was awesome as Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, amazing in A History of Violence (2005), and electric in his Oscar nominated role in Eastern Promises (2008).

20.) James Franco- Franco has some serious talent and he’s driven to excel across multiple platforms. He was horrendous as a co-host of The Oscars, but his future is still bright.

21.) Liam Neeson- He’s 59 years old and I think it’s safe to say that he’s the best action star going right now.

22.) Bradley Cooper- He’s been everywhere since his breakout performance as Sack in Wedding Crashers (2005).

23.) Jamie Foxx- No, there isn’t a quota that requires me to include more than one African American on this list. Foxx is a badass. Not only is he cool, but he’s won an Oscar and he has a rap career.

24.) Ryan Reynolds- He’s funny, attractive (don’t judge me), and he’s all over People magazine and US Weekly. Reynolds makes these rankings based solely on his history with other actresses. He married Scarlet Johannssen and has been linked to Sandra Bullock and Blake Lively.

25.) Daniel Craig- This list wouldn't be complete without James Bond. That role has enough cachet to almost guarantee cultural relevance.
Others receiving votes: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Josh Brolin, Andrew Garfield, Jake Gyllenahll, Will Smith, James McAvoy, Jude Law, Gerard Butler, Matthew McConaughey, Jason Bateman, Edward Norton, Shia LeBouf, Daniel Dey-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Russell Crowe

That's What He Said- Chapter 2

2011-11-01T00:15:00.040-04:00

In case you don't check The Shampoo Effect frequently (I don't update it frequently, so I can't really blame you), I've decided to tackle the challenge of writing a book. Because I'm not creative enough to conjure up multi-faceted characters, a cohesive plot, or a narrative arc from scratch I've decided to write a memoir on a topic that I've covered ~~too many~~ numerous times already on this blog: my exploits as a writer during my senior year in college. I plan to unveil one chapter every month until I'm finished.

Last month I unveiled Chapter 1, which you can find here.

And now, without further ado, here's...

Chapter 2

As soon as I found out that I was selected to be the “He Said” I immediately wanted to know who my partner in relational banter would be. I had heard some rumblings about which females had applied for the “She Said” position and was largely ambivalent about them, but as it turned out, the girl that The Mirror selected just so happened to be the girl that I was hooking up with at the time. Heyyyo. She was a tall, attractive, dark-skinned Italian girl with brown eyes and jet black hair from northern New Jersey named Jackie.

Jackie and I got to know each other during our sophomore year because she was hooking up with my good friend Matty K. She was flirtatious by nature and my buddy had capitalized on it. I even went with him to a party at her house in the summer before our junior year. Shortly after this trip, Matty K and I vowed to never step foot in the state of New Jersey again. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault. We had a good time at her party¹. New Jersey is just the worst place ever to drive. There are parkways that turn into expressways that turn into turnpikes that turn back into parkways. On our drive back to Matty K’s house in Westchester, NY we pulled off at an exit in Mahwah, NJ because we saw a sign for a Wendy’s. We followed the exit ramp and continued on for a mile seeing nothing remotely close to a Wendy’s before we were suddenly on another parkway. Fucking Mahwah.

Jackie, the Italian that she is, was abroad in Italy for the first semester of our junior year, but rekindled the old flame with Matty K one night in early February. I know this, of course, because Matty K was one of my two roommates junior year.

My other roommate that year, believe it or not, was not Tim. This was simply due to logistics and not because of a fight, rift, or anything of that nature (sorry Aunt Eileen). When the time came to select housing for junior year Tim was flirting with the idea of going abroad for a semester and because of a financial hiccup on the home front I had applied to be an RA. Low and behold Tim’s grades were not sufficient enough for him to even be eligible to go abroad and I was apparently not what the Residence Association was looking for in an RA. Unfortunately by this point, two different groups of our friends were in need of one more guy each to secure five man townhouses. It was either that or we stayed together for a third year in the dorms so Tim and I decided to go where the action was and live apart for a year.

Each townhouse had a dishwasher-less kitchen, a carpeted living room, and a half bathroom on the ground level, two bedrooms (one with 2 beds the other with 3) separated by a bathroom with a shower upstairs, and a cement basement. Fairfield even ponied up a round wooden kitchen table, four chairs, a sturdy, industrial couch with synthetic padding, and a rectangular wooden piece of furniture that could only be used as a TV stand. My four roommates all played varsity baseball and I lived in the triple with Matty K and a kid named Dylan who hailed from a wealthy, country town nearby.

Matty K was about 6’3 with dark brown hair that he flipped up in the front, sideburns bordering on mutton chops, a large backside, and a pointed Italian schnozzle. He was an athletic computer geek (oxymoron, I know) who loved his mother’s cooking about as much as he loved baseball. He was more skinny than fat, but he loved to eat. In fact, most freshmen had a meal plan at the cafeteria that allowed them to eat 12 times per week (buffet style) and Matty K was the only kid I knew that upgraded to the 19 meals a week plan.

Dylan had short, black hair and was equally tall and well versed in Italian cuisine as Matty K. In fact, the two of them often shopped at an Italian deli and then cooked what seemed like gourmet dinners together. He had a more rounded schnozz that was perhaps his most distinguishable feature. By that I mean that if you had one look at a picture of his dad you’d know that they were father-son based solely on their olfactory organs. Dylan, who like Matty K was a pitcher for the baseball team, was a wild card in that he seemed to have a new passion every month. One month he’d be convinced that he was going to be a Navy Seal. Then the next he would be training for the Tour de France. He owned a few flannel shirts and liked to hit the bottle hard.

The cement basements in the townhouses were supposed to be for storage, but were primarily used for recreational activity. The townhouses were on campus and thus monitored by Public Safety, so everybody partied in the basements because of volume control. My roommates and I combined our inclination for sports with our understanding that this cement fortress would be our arena for parties and laid down green astro turf on day one. One of our most memorable endeavors was an 80's party. Aside from playing nothing but the freshest 80's jams, I wore a 1988 Whitesnake concert tour T-shirt that I found (bought) at the Salvation Army. Unfortunately the basement party scene ended when a friend from freshman year (one of the kids that got into drugs) had a run in with the Fairfield Fire Department after he left a lit ‘cigarette’ in his townhouse basement. This prompted Fairfield to lock everyone’s basement for the foreseeable future.

Even though we were no longer roommates I ended up seeing Tim more than I saw some of my house mates. He got me a job refereeing and eventually supervising intramural games on campus. It was an easy job that enabled me to get to know a significant portion of the Fairfield student body. Once I became a supervisor I was afforded the privilege of swiping in and out of work with my student ID. Admittedly, the other eight supervisors and I used this power a bit liberally. For example, I spent countless hours down in the Recreation Complex essentially getting paid to play basketball. We often joked that we were technically professional athletes because we got paid to play. Although we were basically stealing money from Fairfield, we actually did a fantastic job with the intramural program in the two years that I was involved. We posted standings, kept stats, composed team power rankings, had All-Star games, and gave out post season awards. Our efforts earned us rave reviews from our bosses, their bosses, and from students.

In early April, I was at a small gathering in Tim’s townhouse, while my roommates were elsewhere, presumably partying. Tim and his roommates had been able to break the pad lock on their basement door in such a way that it wasn’t entirely noticeable without close inspection. To this day, I still don’t know how they did it. I always just imagined that they were high watching an episode of MacGyver and used a toothpick, cardboard box, and 3 feet of rope to get it done. Either way, there were about 15 of us down in the basement that night doing what college kids did back then. A few kids were blasting Phish songs from an iTunes playlist, a few kids were playing Guitar Hero in between hits, and a few others, including me, were circled around the beer pong table either socially drinking or trying to toss ping pong balls into red solo cups half filled with cheap beer.

That particular night my beer pong partner was Jackie. She was wearing a navy blue New York Yankees player t-shirt, a jean skirt, and for some reason her dark black hair had a few reddish strands in it as if she was in some sort of experimental stage in her life². We were winning game after game and casually flirting the entire time. Each made shot turned into another excuse to up the scale of physical contact. Eventually the beer pong dwindled down, but the flirting had intensified. Jackie and I made our way upstairs and a playful water fight turned into a full-fledged make out on the bed of one of Tim’s roommates.

I figured the drunken hookup was just a onetime thing so I didn’t tell Matty K about it even though, according to guy code, he still had “dibs”³ because of his prior encounters with her. I knew he wouldn’t care, but I again avoided telling him even when Jackie and I began to hook up on a semi-consistent basis. However, like most college hookups, things never got serious.

That summer at home in Syracuse, NY I worked a bunch of odd jobs just to scrap together enough cash to get by with during my senior year. I wasn’t too worried about my financial situation because I knew that I would have a weekly check coming from the Department of Recreation once I got back to school. One week I worked for a friend’s dad and cleaned out an old auto parts store that had suffered from fire damage, another week I worked a basketball camp at my high school, and for about a month I worked in a pipe factory.

Things were no different from any previous summer. I played golf at a par-3 course about twice a week⁴, basketball every Tuesday, and softball every Friday. My friends and I saw the same people at graduation parties, smoked cigars and hookahs, and went to the local watering holes every weekend. However that summer is the last time I remember feeling free of any sense of pressure or responsibility. Unfortunately this feeling did not register until the following year when summer turned into a stress-filled job hunt during a down economy.

I quit my pipe laying job in the middle of July to give myself a week off before I went on vacation in New Hampshire. Boredom naturally set in half way through the week, but it was quickly supplanted by excitement when I started to think of my senior year. I was going to be the sports director of my campus radio station, an intramural supervisor, and the writer of the “He Said” column. My role as the sports director of the radio station provided me with a weekly two-hour block to host my own sports talk show, so I started thinking of ideas for the show, commercials I could create, and whom I could have as guests.

These creative juices steam rolled into thinking about what I would write in my first “He Said” column. I figured that the first topic would just be a standard welcome back, so I spent an hour or so writing and fine tuning a prospective column with that topic in mind. Since it was my first article that would be read by the entire student body I knew that I had to come out with guns blazing. I wanted this first article to be a statement of what was to come. After a few minor edits, I was satisfied with my first rough draft and went into vacation mode.

That week of vacation was as relaxing and serene as usual. I laid out on a beach and tried to convince my white, Irish/Polish skin to darken without turning as red as a stop sign first, read On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and had some brewskis overlooking a lake. During the week Tim and I talked a great deal about our excitement for our senior year. We were going to be living together in a tiny beach house right on the water of Long Island Sound with two of the “Musketeers” from freshman year. My excitement for senior year was such that I asked Tim’s dad, my Uncle Jim, if I could move in with them for the month of August and work for his company. I thought that living in his house would be like the preamble to my senior year because of its proximity to Fairfield. Uncle Jim obliged, but I ended up only working for his industrial supplies company for a few days in August because Tim and I spent the majority of our days painting the house of his Aunt and Uncle, who I knew from vacationing in New Hampshire.

Living in Uncle Jim and Aunt Mimi’s basement that month was great. I went out with Tim and all of his friends from high school that I had gotten to know over the past three years, played a lot of golf, and made some cold, hard cash. We scrapped, sanded, primed, and painted with power jams blasting on the radio everyday from 10-6 and seemingly always had dinner waiting for us when we got home. Toward the end of the month we were finishing up the house and getting all of our things ready for school virtually at the same time. I set up an internship to be a sports writer for the major newspaper in Stamford, CT while up on a ladder and Tim made contact with a guy to buy a TV for our beach house. I went home for a few days late in August to get the rest of my things and to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday, but made it back to Tim’s house for one last night in my basement bedroom.

Finally the day after Labor Day arrived and we moved into our quaint, poorly insulated, beach house. Don’t ask me why, but most of the beach houses that were rented annually by college seniors had names. I don’t know how or when it started, but I guess it was just easier to say, “I’m going to a party at The Dugout,” instead of telling someone what the address was. Our house was painted hunter green, but its name was “The Pink Box.”

It was almost shed-like in size, but it was right on the water and in a good location (a little over a half mile to the bar). Upon entering “The Pink Box” the bathroom was to your immediate left. The parameters were pretty tight, especially in the shower, but we made due. To your immediate right was the first bedroom. It was roughly half the size of our freshman year dorm rooms as evidenced by the fact that it was adorned with a bunk bed because there wasn’t enough room to put both of the beds on the floor. Just past the doorway to the bedroom was a wooden ladder attached to the wall that led to a small loft intended for storage. Even though you couldn’t even stand up in the loft we still festooned the area with blankets and pillows just in the hopes of luring a female or two up there for some late night activities.⁵

If you took one step past the ladder to the loft you would have found yourself in the middle of the kitchen that we hardly used. It had a boomerang shaped counter that edged out to create the sense that the hallway continued on to the living area. The living area spanned the full width of the house and half of the length. We put a rectangular, plastic table up against the wall on the left close to where the back door resided and two couches, a coffee table, and our new TV on the right hand side. Also on the right hand side, tucked against the near wall, was a door that led into the 2nd bedroom, which was under the loft and to the right of the kitchen. Its dimensions were almost the exact same size as the first, but Tim and I lived in it, so we called it the big room.

Out the back door was an 8x20 foot enclosed porch where we placed our beer pong table and kegerator (colllllegggge). Outside the back door of the porch was a raised cement patio that overlooked a beach of roughly 20 yards and the water.

Our roommates, two of the aforementioned “Musketeers,” were Greg and Max. Greg was from a nearby suburb and had been an RA during our sophomore and junior years, but was ready to be re-released into the wild our senior year. He was a good-looking kid that got with so many girls our freshman year that he earned the nickname “The Hound Dog.” Max was the son of Argentinean immigrants that settled in Long Island. He was a short, dark-skinned, soccer loving kid whose chest protruded like a gymnast after sticking a landing. He was also fluent in Spanish and studied abroad in Spain for the first semester of our junior year before living in Tim’s townhouse in the spring.

The first week of senior year was everything I thought it would be. Partying with my friends that I hadn’t seen for months while on a beach in warm weather was awesome. Throw in the fact that girls were still tanned and desperately trying to soak up every natural wave of sunlight that they could and life was pretty good. The only downside was seeing way too many of my fellow male classmates shirtless.

On the first day of classes I got an email from a girl in my grade named Steph, who identified herself as the editor in chief of The Mirror. In the email that she sent to both Jackie and me, she explained both who she was and what our roles with the newspaper would be. She told us that each article was to be about 400 words, that our deadline was 6 p.m. every Monday, that our first topic, just as I suspected, should be a welcome back piece, and that we were responsible for thinking of and agreeing on a topic each week from there on out. This last piece of news was like music to my ears. I always assumed that the editors chose the topics. My excitement for my new role grew even more knowing that I had virtually free reign over my column. The only person standing in my way of writing what I wanted to write was Jackie and I knew that she would be on board with many of my ideas.

For the next few days, I shared the prospective column that I had written back in July with some of my friends from home and at school to gauge their reactions. Basically I was trying to develop an inner circle of advisers to consult during the year. People that could read my work and offer both constructive criticism as well as new ideas from which to springboard.

The general consensus from my potential advisers was that the column needed little improvement so I sent it in that Monday.

The Mirror on September 12th, 2007:

Welcome Back

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd welcome back everybody!⁶ Summer is over and the new year is finally upon us. The 9-5 work is no more and now it’s time to do work on the females of the class of ‘11. (Does that look scary to anyone else?) My advanced scout, a.k.a. my friend who had to take summer classes at Fairfield in order to qualify for medical school⁷, has informed me that we have some real blue chippers in the incoming class to replace the overworked class of ‘07 that was past their prime anyway.

Speaking of girls being in their prime, I know we all went to a bunch of graduation parties this summer in which we had to endure awkward conversations with the same parents weekend after weekend. Like I needed a weekly reminder that I only had one more year of college left. Okay so back to the girls. Did anyone else catch themselves thinking about how attractive the high school girls suddenly became? Out of nowhere your friend Joey’s little sister developed (think about it) into a nice little prospect. It was like that time period in high school when girls started getting their braces off and you decided it was socially acceptable to begin talking to them. But the girl who just got her braces off was your age, the smokeshow little sister is about 16. There are laws against that.

For the record, every male on campus thinks they are going to tap into the freshmen class of women, but few are as successful as they think No one really knows what women want and nobody really cares that much either. We just want them. Plain and simple. In order to leave your mark on/in the freshmen girls you must first follow these guidelines. First and foremost, no v-cards. You don’t want a stage 5 clinger to deal with all year. You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers. Also, don’t worry if a girl has a boyfriend from home. There is nothing alcohol and being “such a great listener” can’t solve. Lastly, exhibit absolutely no morals. I’m sure that won’t be too hard. Just get in, get out and go on your way. Good luck guys.

1- I mean, her older brother and his friends knew every word to “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. Of course, in no way was it shocking or impressive for 8 white kids to know those lyrics. In fact, Kyle Korver was also in attendance that day (either that or I saw him the next day) and ever since we have texted each other every time we’ve seen a white kid rap the lyrics to this song. Coincidentally I got a text from him 2 weeks ago that said, “At a wedding in Albany –You’ll never believe it BUT…These kids know Juicy.”

2- It was a Robinson Cano t-shirt with the #22 on the back. Cano would give up the #22 to Roger Clemens the following year and decide to wear #24 instead. That said, how I remember these details about Jackie’s outfit I don’t really know. There are no pictures to confirm, but I’m 100% certain that my memory is accurate. I can’t figure out if my remembering is impressive, just completely random, somehow significant, creepy, or what. I’ll let Jackie decide I guess.

3- I’m actually surprised that someone other than Dylan had dibs on a girl back in the Spring of 2007. Even though he had a girlfriend at the time he still somehow claimed to have dibs on upwards of 25 girls.

4- I got my second hole in one that summer and it happened exactly one year to the day as my first. July 4th (Clearly I love America.)

5- Check and check.

6- Chris “Mad Dog” Russo used to begin every edition of the incredibly popular New York sports talk radio show “Mike and the Mad Dog” on WFAN by saying, “Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd good afternoon everybody!”

7- Matty K

These Kids Aren't Alright

2011-10-26T12:10:00.024-04:00

As many of you know I consider myself to be something of a television connoisseur. I DVR more shows than you would imagine. Every once in a while though a television product will slip through the cracks of my screening process and I’ll be left in the dark when it becomes a hot button topic in the pop culture media. Case in point- I’ve never watched an episode of Lost or The Sopranos and most people consider those to be 2 of the best shows of all time. This happened again recently when I noticed a lot of buzz around the AMC show Breaking Bad. I knew the premise of the show- a high school chemistry teacher starts making crystal meth, but I never got around to watching it even though the actors (Bryan Cranston (perhaps best known as Tim Whatley from Seinfeld) and Aaron Paul) racked up Emmy awards year after year. A few months ago my friend Kyle Korver strongly encouraged me to get into the show. He said, “If you’re not watching Breaking Bad you’re missing out,” and he was right. So in the past two weeks I’ve run through the first 3 seasons on Netflix. The season 4 finale aired on AMC a few weeks back so I still have some catching up to do.

I’m not blown away by the show, but there’s no debating its entertainment value. I’d probably give it a 7 out of 10 or 3.7 out of 5 (Netflix subscribers, assuming there are any anymore, know that the rating system is out of 5). It is interesting on some level that shows involving a particular drug are so critically acclaimed. Think about it. Showtime’s Weeds was about marijuana, HBO’s The Wire was about cocaine (at least Season One was- the only one I’ve seen), and AMC’s Breaking Bad is about crystal meth. How many heroin, shrooms, and LSD scripts do you think are out there?

Breaking Bad committed a folly that I see all too often in television series. They cast an annoying child that serves virtually no purpose other than to keep the mother and father of the child in contact with each other. I get why shows do it, but I don’t understand why so many of these children need to be so fucking annoying.

If there was an Emmy for annoying kid in a television series these would be my nominees.

Walter Jr. in Breaking Bad

I can get past the cerebral palsy and the crutches, but the slurred speech, decision to go by Flynn, and stupid website gets to me.

Shane in Weeds

I only watched the first three seasons of this show and what put me over the edge was this little twerp driving a truck/Winnebago (I forget) at the age of 8 and his insistence to move from Southern California to Pittsburgh.

Becca in Californication

She’s ugly, talks in the most annoying voice ever, dresses in all black, is in a shitty punk band, and goes from one extreme mood to the other. I hate her. She is an example of a disgusting child spawned from good looking parents. It also happens the other way where two unattractive people create a gorgeous child.

Sally in Mad Men

She thinks that her baby brother is the ghost of her grandfather plus she smokes a cigarette, drives a car, sees a shrink and finger blasts herself at age 8. Her 2nd grade teacher is a smokeshow though. If this was real life she'd grow up and become a whore.

Astor in Dexter

She’s as irritating as any 14 year old minor character could be. She’s always whining about something, asking Dexter why he hates her, and getting drunk with her random friend.

I don't think there's any doubt that Becca would take home the hardware. She sucks.

Most Significant Moments

2011-10-18T17:22:00.001-04:00

A few weeks backs I was told that a group of my cousins had argued after a wedding about what the most significant moments of our lifetime were. Don't ask me why, but apparently one of them claimed that the BP Oil Spill was definitely one of them. The debate then raged on as the rest of the group tried to think of more significant moments/events. It certainly wasn't the most academic of discussions as I believe they were hammered and on their way to Taco Bell at 1 am (they also made a pit stop at Wendy's across the street and made the sober driver, another cousin, pay for everything). Either way, I took it upon myself to rank the top 10 moments of my lifetime. Feel free to agree or disagree.

1.) Launch of the internet

I don’t know when it actually happened, but has anything affected your life more than the internet? Innovations, like smart phones, laptops, Google, Facebook, Twitter, etc., have also been pretty significant, but their significance is largely, or in most cases completely, tied to the internet. I question how many businesses and professions could be sustained without the advantages that the internet provides. I also doubt that any of you can name a more significant moment in our lifetime and even if you can I bet that you couldn’t have done it without using the internet.

2.) Terrorist attacks of 9/11 (September 11th, 2001)

Ever since the wide spread infiltration of radio and television there has been an American “where were you when” moment roughly every 20-30 years. Prior to radio and television news just didn’t travel quickly enough to qualify as “where were you when” moments. If the internet, radio, and 24/7 cable news networks were up and running way back when then things like Fort Sumter, Lincoln’s assassination, the Titanic, etc. would count. That said, the four that I do count are- Pearl Harbor (December 7th, 1941), JFK’s assassination (November 22, 1963), the Challenger Explosion* (January 28th, 1986), and the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001.

FYI- I was a sophomore in high school walking from Art Class on the first floor to Chemistry Class on the third floor when I first heard the news from my friend Alex who had Music Class right across the hall. If memory serves we had Chemistry Class as if nothing had happened then watched the news for the entirety of Religion Class. JV football practice that day lasted about two minutes. Our coach simply told us to go home and be with our families.

*I was born on March 14th, 1986 so I couldn’t count the Challenger Explosion in this list.

3.) Fall of the Berlin Wall (November 9th, 1989)

It’s a little weird to think that the event that essentially ended the Cold War happened in Germany, but it did. For those of you that have forgotten, here is the cliff notes version of why this even was so significant.

After World War II the United States, France, Britain, and the Soviet Union divided Germany into quadrants to aid in the rebuilding effort. They also divided Berlin, the nation’s capital, into quadrants (apparently the term was “occupation zones”) even though the city was well within the quadrant assigned to the Soviet Union.

The Soviet Union, led by Joseph Stalin, had intentions of turning Germany into a communist state. As Cold War tensions began to increase the commies erected a 12 foot concrete wall that separated East and West Berlin. The wall was well guarded and access to and from both sides was restricted.

As the Cold War dragged into the 1980s communism was on its last legs. It had failed the Soviet Union and the Eastern Bloc as an economic system. The adverse effects were startling.

In 1987, President Reagan gave a speech from the Brandenburg Gate (part of the wall) and demanded that Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev “tear down this wall.”

In September of 1989 protestors gathered at the wall in East Berlin (the communist side) and began chanting “We want out!” The peaceful protest continued until November 9th when it was announced that East Berliners were finally free to go where they pleased. Not only were the gates opened, but joyous East and West Berliners began to take sledgehammers to the wall in a demolition effort that lasted for weeks.

The fall of the Berlin wall symbolizes America’s victory in the Cold War. Capitalism won and communism lost.

4.) Scientists map the human genome (April 2003)

A collective effort of scientists all across the world successfully mapped the human genome in 2003. Now I know what you’re thinking. They did what? How is this significant? They basically discovered what each of the 20,000-25,000 genes in the human body looks like and are responsible for doing. For example, this gene looks like this and controls eye color. The knowledge compiled in this academic masterpiece has already been and will continue to be instrumental in our understanding of disease (both physical and behavioral). I really can’t overstate the significance of this achievement.

5.) Barack Obama is elected president (November 4th, 2008)

Barack Obama’s election is incredibly significant because of the racial component. Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in baseball and Barack Obama broke the color barrier in the presidency. Electing a black leader reinforced America’s willingness for acceptance. You know, the same willingness for acceptance that our country was founded on. African-Americans have long been looked down upon in this country and Obama’s victory was a significant victory for them. It also ushered in what I believe will be a new era in diversity. The white Anglo-Saxon Protestant days of the past are over. Times are a changing. The emerging Hispanic population will continue to rise up through the ranks here in America.

6.) Killing Osama Bin Laden (May 1st, 2011)

The healing process from 9/11 will never be complete, but bringing Bin Laden to justice back in May stirred up our collective American pride and undoubtedly helped the victims’ families of 9/11 immensely. The vengeance killing of Bin Laden once again showed that America has the best military in the world and that you can run, but you can’t hide. Assassinations are always significant (because you have to be important to be assassinated or else it’s just a murder), but this one takes the cake in our lifetime.

7.) The formation of the European Union and NAFTA (November 1st, 2003, January 1st, 1994)

No event has affected the world economy more than the advent of the European Union. Although it’s currently in shambles thanks to Greece, the EU’s influence is unprecedented. In case you are not familiar (and I doubt that many of you are), the European Union is an economic system that governs European (27 countries that are mostly part of Europe) commerce. This agreement/organization has made Europe a single market that controls 20% of the world’s GDP. They have their own currency (the Euro).

The EU is also a political alliance (sort of) which means that it’s a military and singular leader away from becoming eerily similar to the United States. By that I mean that the EU would operate just like our federal government and the countries that make up the EU would operate like our 50 states.

I also clump the North American Free Trade Agreement between the United States, Canada, and Mexico in with the beginning of the modern phase of the EU because they happened around the same time. In fact, my dad has a wild theory that eventually we will transition into a new currency just like the EU did and ours will be called the Amero…I wish I was joking, but I’m not.

8.) End of apartheid in South Africa (February 2nd, 1990)

Slavery ended in 1863ish (Emancipation Proclamation), the Indian caste system ended in 1950, and apartheid (essentially slavery) ended in South Africa in 1991. It’s crazy to think that some human beings were legally treated as slaves just 20 years ago.

9.) The Monica Lewinsky Scandal (January 1998- January 1999)

Sure, if you boil it down it’s pretty insignificant. The sitting president of the United States got a blow job from a 22 year-old intern. Who cares, right? This was not the first political scandal involving an extramarital affair and it certainly wasn’t the last, but it’s the most well known. This became a big deal because Clinton lied about it (although I guess it depends on what the definition of is is). As we’ve learned over and over the cover up is always worse than the crime.

For those that question the significance of this event, do you know how many presidents have been impeached by the House of Representatives? 2. Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton.

10.) Hurricane Katrina (Augst 23rd 2005- August 30th, 2005)

Katrina was one of the deadliest natural disasters in American History. At least 1,836 people died as a result of the Hurricane and resulting floods. The Gulf Coast was decimated. Property damage was estimated at $81 billion. After the levees broke in New Orleans roughly 80% of the city was underwater. There were countless people displaced from their homes

Katrina was also significant because of the delayed response by the government. This feeling was, of course, best summed up by rapper Kanye West who proclaimed that President Bush doesn’t’ care about black people.

FYI- My buddy dated a girl named Katrina in college and she hattted black people. Ok, we just pretended that she did.

Other notable events

Michael Jackson’s death (June 25th, 2009)- He was the King of Pop.

Princess Diana’s death (August 31st, 1997)- The media made this seem like a huge deal, but what did Princess Diana really do? Why was she important?

Tiger Woods scandal (November 27th, 2009)- The most famous athlete in the world was revealed to be a philanderer and he’s never been the same on the course.

Financial collapse- Hard to pin point a date, but the sputtering economy still hasn’t recovered, so the lasting effects are still reverberating.

Gulf oil spill (April 20th, 2010- September 19th, 2010)- Significant because it took so long to close the hole and because of the environmental effects, but only 11 people died.

The Japanese Tsunami (March 11, 2011)- The devastation in Japan is unfathomable. Almost 16,000 people died, 6,000 were injured, and 4,000 went missing. To people in Japan this is definitely #1 or #2, but for us in America we felt bad, but it didn’t really affect us.

Haitian earthquake (January 12th, 2010)- Even though recording artists busted out another edition of “We Are the World” it’s still not worthy of the top 10.

O.J. Simpson trial (June 13th, 1994 (night of the killings)- October 3rd, 1995 (day of the acquittal)- The white Ford Bronco chase, “if the gloves don’t fit you must acquit”, the racial component. It’s the most famous trial in our lifetime by far.

Oklahoma City bombing (April 19th, 1995)- The 2nd most destructive act of terrorism on American soil and it was carried out by Americans. 168 people died and 680 were injured.

Columbine shootings (April 20th, 1999)- There are about 1-2 school shooting a year, but for some reason Columbine is the most famous of them all.

Dream Team

2011-10-13T00:27:00.001-04:00

The world of sports talk was set ablaze Tuesday when NBA superstar LeBron James sent this tweet to ESPN NFL Reporter John Clayton.

“@ClaytonESPN When is the deadline for a team to sign a free agent?”

The debate began almost immediately because it seems like ESPN thinks it’s news every time LeBron tweets (regardless of the subject matter). Is LeBron serious? If so, should a team sign him? He was an all-state wide receiver in high school, but could he play in the NFL? Look no further than Antonio Gates or Jimmy Graham.

Ok LeBron, even though I don’t think you’re remotely serious and you probably just want the media to speculate about how great of an athlete you are, I’ll bite too.

Could LeBron play in the NFL? In a heartbeat. The dude is 6’8 250 and probably runs a 4.4-4.6. Sure, he’d be extremely raw and he wouldn’t know what he was doing half of the time, but with an ounce of coaching, practice, and dedication he could be a force. The people that say that the best athletes in the world are in the NFL are wrong. The best athletes in the world are in the NBA and I don’t think there’s much of a debate.

Of course this begs the question, “What other NBA players could successfully make the transition to the NFL?”

Well to answer that question I put together an NFL roster of NBA players. You may not know all of the following names, but I did my best to assign players to a position that best fit their body type, mentality, and skill set. Most NBA players are simply too tall to realistically have a place on the football field, other than as a kick blocking expert, so you won’t find a Dwight Howard or Kevin Garnett anywhere on my suggested roster.

Depth Chart

Offense

WR- LeBron James, Heat F (6’8, 250)- Most people say that LeBron would make for a premier tight end because of his size, but I’d keep him at his natural position so he doesn’t have to get in a three point stance, block anyone with real size, or get chipped coming off the line. He’d be unguardable on the goal line. Even if he was double covered he’d still catch fades.

WR- Monta Ellis, Warriors G (6’3, 185)- I wanted to make his teammate Steph Curry my slot WR, but Curry doesn’t have the toughness to go across the middle. Ellis isn’t that well known, but he’s an electrifying athlete.

OT- Al Horford, Hawks C (6’10, 245)- Horford has extremely long arms, enormous hands, a wide base, quick feet, and a calm and cool demeanor. He’s my first pick to protect the blind side.

OG- Chuck Hayes, Rockets C (6’6, 238)- Chuck Hayes is an absolute bad ass. He just goes about his business grabbing every rebound in sight and playing stellar defense even though he’s undersized without ever seeking praise or admiration for his hard work. This selflessness is rare for an NBA player and much needed for an offensive line man.

C- Luke Harangody, Cavs F (6’7, 251)- He’s a little tall, but centers need to be smart in order to make protection calls and Harangody’s Notre Dame education would go far.

OG- Craig Smith, Clippers F (6’7, 265)- Smith has some serious meat to him and after sitting next to his mother at a BC basketball game I think he could easily pack on the 50-60 pounds he’d need to effectively play at the NFL level.

OT- Jon Brockman, Bucks F (6’7, 255)- Brockman has the perfect frame and agility to play tackle. He’s built like a house and could quickly beef up to 330-340.

TE- Amare Stoudemire, Knicks F (6’10, 240)- STAT’s combination of size, speed, soft hands, and toughness would make him an elite TE almost instantly.

WR- Kevin Durant, Thunder F (6’9, 230)- Durant is such a gamer that I thought about making him the quarterback. He heats up like nobody else in the league and I could see him doing the same as a receiver. If you need a big catch in the 4th quarter with the game on the line Durant would be your guy.

QB- Jason Kidd, Mavs G (6’4, 210)- I’ve scanned through every player in the league and Kidd just seems like the obvious choice. He has the ideal size, vision, and leadership qualities, but I question his intellect.

RB- Derrick Rose, Bulls G (6’3, 190)- I think this is the best fit of any position. Rose is out of control fast, agile, and powerful. I see him as a cross between Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice.

Defense

DE- Blake Griffin, Clippers F (6’10, 251)- Good luck blocking him coming off the edge. He arguably has the best blend of speed, power, and aggressiveness in the league.

DT- DeJuan Blair, Spurs F (6’7, 270)- Blair’s mass and quickness would make him a disruptive force in the A and B gaps.

DT- Glen “Big Baby” Davis, Celtics F (6’9, 289)- Big Baby is enormous and has ideal size for offensive tackle, but he’s way too dumb to play offense. I also think he’s a little unstable and that’s the exact quality I want in players that play defense.

DE- Joey Dorsey, Raptors F (6’8, 268)-I honestly didn’t know that Dorsey was still in the NBA, but anyone that saw him play at Memphis knows that he’s an absolute freak of nature.

OLB- Shannon Brown, Lakers G (6’4, 210)- Easily one of the most athletic players in the association. He’s fast, quick, gritty, and ferocious. Exactly what I want in a LB.

MLB- Gerald Wallace, Blazers F (6’7, 220)- He doesn’t have elite level speed for an NBA player, but I think he’s faster than most middle linebackers in the NFL. He’s also one of the most intimidating guys you can imagine. Picture the last person you want to see in a dark alley late at night. You’ve just pictured Gerald Wallace.

OLB- Tony Allen, Grizzlies G (6’4, 213)- One of the best on ball defenders in the NBA. Prototypical size for a LB. In fact, he could probably play SS, but I can easily see him shedding blocks and tackling anyone in sight.

CB- Nate Robinson, Thunder G (5’9, 180)- He played cornerback at the University of Washington and would make the transition to the NFL the easiest especially from a technical stand point.

FS- Rajon Rondo, Celtics G (6’1, 171)- Rondo would be an absolute ball hawk and his inefficiencies as a shooter wouldn’t come into play in the NFL.

SS- Russell Westbrook, Thunder G (6’3, 187)- The dude is a blur and he’s super aggressive. He’d probably bite on every play fake for the first year or two of his career, but I think he could be an impact player.

CB- Kyle Lowry, Rockets G (6’0, 205)- Probably the feistiest player in the NBA. I don’t think he’d be a lockdown corner, but he’d thrive playing bump and run and would hardly ever miss a tackle.

Special Teams

K- Steve Nash, Suns G (6’3, 178)- He plays in a soccer league in NYC in the summer, so I assume he can kick. He’d also be at least the 2nd biggest kicker in the league (Sebastian Janikowski).

P- Tracy McGrady, Pistons F (6’8, 223)- I went to a game 10 years ago in Orlando where McGrady punted the ball into the stands not once, but twice, so I imagine that he’d at least be interested in the position.

KR- Manu Ginobili, Spurs G (6’6, 205)- Manu’s 6’6? Either way, he’s crafty, elusive, and dynamic.

PR- Brandon Jennings, Bucks G (6’1, 169)- He’d probably dance too much and try to make the home run plays, but if he could be coach to make 1 move and then go north and south he could be explosive. He’d also see some action as the 3rd down running back.

Bench

OT- Kevin Love, Timberwolves F (6’10, 260)
OT- DeMarcus Cousins, Kings C (6’11, 270)
OT- Josh Harrellson, Knicks F (6’10, 275)
OG- Reggie Evans, Raptors F (6’8, 245)
OG- Jason Maxiell, Pistons F (6’7, 260)
WR- Rudy Gay, Grizzlies F (6’8, 230)
WR- Dwyane Wade, Heat G (6’4, 220)
WR- Matt Barnes, Lakers F (6’7, 226)
TE- Carmelo Anthony, Knicks F (6’8, 230)
TE- Jason Richardson, Magic G (6’6, 225)
QB- Chris Paul, Hornets G (6’0, 175)
QB- Kirk Hinrich, Hawks G (6’4, 190)
RB- Deron Williams, Nets G (6’3, 209)
RB- Chauncey Billups, Knicks G (6’3, 210)
DE- Ron Artest, Lakers F (6’7, 260)
DE- Corey Maggette, Bucks G (6’6, 225)
DT- Joey Graham, Cavs F (6’7, 230)
DT- Jeff Adrien, Warriors F (6’7, 243)
OLB- Sam Young, Grizzlies F (6’6, 220)
OLB- Andre Igoudala, 76ers G (6’6, 207)
MLB- Tyreke Evans, Kings G (6’6, 220)
CB- Ty Lawson, Nuggets G (5’11, 195)
CB- Kemba Walker, Bobcats G (6’1, 176)
CB- John Wall, Wizards G (6’4, 195)
FS- Raja Bell, Jazz G (6’5, 206)
SS- Ben Gordon, Pistons G (6’3, 200)

If this 53 man roster quits basketball tomorrow and fully commits to becoming the best football players that they can be for a full year I think they'd be able to beat at least 1-2 NFL teams. They'd still be extremely raw even after a full year of devotion, but they would be the biggest, fastest, and most athletic team in the league. The only real question I'd have is at quarterback.

PS- I consider myself to be a Kobe apologist, but even I know that he's too much of a nancy boy to play football.

Three Year Mark

2011-10-03T09:37:00.013-04:00

Three years ago my friend Mike, who I haven’t spoken to in about a year (Mike if you’re reading this- what’s going on?), suggested that I start this blog. A person as opinionated as I am simply needs an outlet and for the past 1095 or so days this has been mine. Looking back I’m very proud of some of the things that I’ve written. Maybe it’s that nostalgic sense where people think that everything was better in the past, but I think my writing has gotten progressively worse as the years have gone on. I’ll occasionally re-read an earlier post and marvel at how much better and funnier it is compared to my most recent works. I can’t thank those of you that have consistently read this blog, commented, criticized, and suggested topics enough. Every once in a while I will get too caught up with work/life and neglect to post something for a few weeks and I’ll get a series of texts, emails, and gchat messages that say something to the effect of, “You’re blog game has been lacking big time of late.” These reminders that some of you are ~~desperate for~~ interested in the content I provide help me to remember to take some time out of my days to sit back and reflect on sports, pop culture, society, etc. to make largely useless observations for you to enjoy.

It’s pretty remarkable that in the past three years I’ve accused one of my friends of being gay, surmised as to which of my former roommates was going to hit it big with me, written three running diaries, ranked the best movies, comedies, songs, and sports moments of the 00’s, claimed that owning a dog is a good precursor for parenthood, written about poop upwards of 16 times, updated the lyrics of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, changed the lyrics to “That’s Amore” to honor Knicks forward Amare Stoudemire, written two poems, written a college manifesto, accurately assessed the angst of twenty somethings, and created a 64 team tournament of Seinfeld characters and rock bands. All in all I’d say that it was time well spent.

At this point you’re probably thinking, “Is the Stan Man really about to retire from his blog (ticket to stardom)?” Well the answer is no. I still have a few good years left in me (I think). I just feel like this post needs a little build up.

For ~~as long as I can remember~~ the past 4-5 years I’ve wanted to write a book. I have a pretty good idea in mind, but translating it to paper and expanding on my general premise is a task that I don’t know if I’m up to. Creating characters, writing descriptive paragraphs, constructing a narrative arc, building suspense, using dialogue to enhance the plot, etc. are all things that I don’t exactly know how to do. That’s why I have instead settled on writing a memoir about a topic that I’ve covered ad nauseam over the past three years on this blog; my senior year of college. I realize that my life in its totality to this point is not all that interesting, but I think that my escapades as a writer in my senior year of college are as worthy of a topic as I can cover. Now I’m sure that most of you will mock my efforts and just write this experiment off as me being a narcissistic egomaniac and I can’t really blame you for that. If I was in your shoes I’d probably do the same thing. I also think that some of you will be genuinely entertained (I hope) by what I’m about to present.

The following is my telling of the events that transpired in my senior year of college. The information, names, stories, events, etc. are as accurate as I remember them to be, but obviously I chose to put myself in the best light possible, so there may be some discrepancies. I realize that some of my loyal blog readers are central and/or minor characters in the tale that I’m about to begin to tell, but I hope that those of you who don’t know any of the characters (outside of me) will be able to follow along accordingly. If you are ever confused about something feel free to ask me about it. I obviously haven’t had anyone edit this, so any constructive criticism is welcome.

Here goes nothing:

That’s What He Said

Chapter 1

Maturity, like many words tossed around by adults, is largely subjective. It is not something that you suddenly wake up with one morning. It is a series of life experiences that influence your preparedness for the working world.

The maturation process is just that; a process. There is no class you can take. There is no “how to” book you can read. Actually you know what, there probably is one of those, but maturity is more self-taught than anything else.

Although the knowledge and skills needed to become mature in the eyes of the working world cannot be found in textbooks, it is in the arena of higher education that they are learned. While high school is capable of helping teens build a good foundation for their transition into adulthood, college is really the take off point. Liberal Arts schools can boast all they want about their wide based curriculums, but they pale in comparison to the life lessons that kids learn when they aren’t in class. Seriously, when’s the last time that something you learned in your freshman year philosophy class actually helped you in the real world? Academics obviously play a role in the grooming process, but learning the fundamentals for success in life is not contingent upon one’s GPA.

Learning how to manage one’s time is a significant task for college students. Their ability to balance academics with the constant desire to be partying speaks volumes about both their work ethic and their character. No longer are they subjected to the rules of their parents’ house. No longer are they forced to go to school. No longer do they have to obey a curfew. College is a time for kids to let loose, and they do, but in the process they learn things about themselves that they had never previously known.

Perhaps the most important life lesson that is ascertained in college is the ability to relate to others. Being able to adapt to different audiences and situations is a skill that cannot be underestimated. Successfully tailoring one’s speech and actions to different audiences in a variety of environments is much more difficult than it sounds. Mastering this skill is critical for success as a communicator.

Ironically, I was able to conquer this task in my senior year of college by engaging in what others might refer to as a series of reckless immaturity.

My illustrious college career began in the fall of 2004. I, a glasses wearing 5’11 suburban white kid with moderate athleticism (like I said- best light possible), had chosen to attend Fairfield University, a small Jesuit school in Fairfield, Connecticut, mainly because I didn’t get into Notre Dame or Boston College. Fairfield is located on the southern tier of Connecticut and is just 45 miles from New York City. The town of Fairfield is in one of the richest counties (aptly named Fairfield County) in the country. Much of this wealth can be attributed to the nearby towns of Greenwich, Westport, and Darien, but Fairfield is oftentimes thrown into the “ritzy” category as well. Much of the population commutes to NYC and is very successful (or at least used to be) in the financial industry. This leaves a plethora of SUV driving housewives that roam around town with a heightened sense of entitlement.

Fairfield mainly draws kids from Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, and Massachusetts. The hotbeds during my tenure were Long Island, northern New Jersey, and eastern Massachusetts. Basically what I’m saying is that there were a lot of rich kids that did coke because their parents didn’t love them, a decent amount of Italian kids with blowouts that wore black wife beaters and gold chains, and countless bandwagon female Patriot and Red Sox fans.

I was drawn to Fairfield because my parents grew up in the area, which meant that much of my extended family was just minutes away in case something went terribly wrong or if I wanted a home cooked meal. It should be noted that, much to my dismay, my extended family was not a part of this abundantly affluent culture. My mother grew up on the mean streets of Bridgeport, the closest city. Ask any Fairfield student where he or she would least want to be alone at night and I guarantee they say Bridgeport. My dad grew up in Fairfield, but in a small house with six siblings. In fact, he did not even have his own room. He shared “the boy’s room” with his two younger brothers. I don’t know how, but his four sisters shared “the girl’s room” on the other side of the upstairs.

My decision to go to Fairfield was largely influenced by my cousin Tim. He grew up in Milford, CT (about 20 minutes away from Fairfield) and attended Fairfield Prep, which is on Fairfield University’s campus and is also the same high school that my dad went to. As kids I saw Tim for an average of about 10 days a year. Our families vacationed together in New Hampshire every July and one summer Tim showed up about 6 inches taller than he was the year before. Ever since the growth spurt he has worked tirelessly to fill out the rest of his 6'4 frame. Luckily though, unlike most tall white kids, Tim is neither goofy nor uncoordinated. His athleticism actually allowed him to walk onto Fairfield’s varsity basketball team (Division I) our freshman year.

Naturally Tim and I chose to be roommates as opposed to rolling the dice on a random. Finally free from the bounds of our parents, we settled into our new home, Jogues Hall-Room 225. Although they would tell you that we didn’t leave our room for the first few weeks of school, it didn’t take long for Tim and I to bond with the random assortment of guys that Fairfield decided to clump together on our floor. It’s really amazing how proximity establishes bonds between people and to the same token how distance rips them apart. Our new found friends gave us new competition in video games, new wing men, and a new perspective on the types of kids from places all along the eastern seaboard.

We, like your typical group of college freshmen, did everything in packs. This was due to the fact that no one had the self confidence to do anything alone. This fear of feeling uncomfortable was perhaps most evident when it came to venturing off to the cafeteria. It was virtually unheard of to eat alone, so if no one else wanted to eat, you simply didn’t go. In that respect, the only difference between the second floor Jogues crew and the lacrosse team was that we didn’t wear matching gear that would announce our presence wherever we went.

On our first official day Fairfield gave us all sorts of things in an attempt to get us acclimated with daily campus life as quickly as possible. We were avalanched by informational packets that contained phone numbers, email addresses, and maps. Along with the assortment of things we never used was a particular item that was viewed countless times during the first few weeks of school: the freshman facebook.

In the summer Fairfield asked all incoming freshmen to send in a picture of themselves and to answer a short questionnaire. The questionnaire had your standard questions (What’s your name? Where are you from?) as well as a list of hobbies/interests from which you were supposed to pick two. Most kids just sent their high school senior picture and selected common interests like basketball and baseball (I think those were what I selected). Other kids must have thought it was still 1996 because they selected things like roller skating and playing frisbee.

The freshman facebook was great because you were able to scout out all of the females in your grade before meeting them. You got their name, their picture, where they were from, and the two interests that they selected. After meticulously scanning through the booklet, every heterosexual guy had a handful of girls that they coveted. In fact, one of the kids that lived next door to Tim and I and his other neighbors, the self proclaimed “Three Musketeers,” went one by one and selected their top five girls that the other two agreed not to pursue.

The “Three Musketeers” were only one of the many different factions within our large group of friends. You had the kids in the corner triple from Westchester, NY, the kids that did drugs on the other side of the hall, a handful of lacrosse players, a group of kids that we nicknamed “The B-team” because they were not nearly as cool as us, and, of course, there was Tim and I.

We knew each other fairly well going in, but living together made us much closer. Everyone we came across in the first few weeks of school was surprised as to how well we knew each other and how well we got along. I don’t know if that was because we didn’t tell people that we were cousins right off the bat or if they just forget. In fact, even to this day, about once every few months someone who knows us both fairly well will become aware of this family connection and be shocked that they never knew. We got along so well during our freshman year that even our family members were surprised. Our Aunt would literally call and say, “Hey Dan, it’s Aunt Eileen. Have you and Tim fought yet?” I still haven’t figured out why our family expected the worst.

When you live with someone, you start to learn each other’s tendencies. You know their likes and dislikes, you know their moods, and (especially if you’re a guy) you learn their schedule before you learn your own.

One of the many things at Fairfield that Tim and I loved was a particular column in the weekly student run newspaper. The newspaper was called The Mirror, which is a terrible way of signifying that the articles printed are a reflection of the student body as a whole. It should be noted that Fairfield annually ranks in the top five of “Most Homogenous Student Bodies” in all of those college review books. The column that we were excited to read every week, titled “He Said/She Said,” was a showcase showdown¹ of the sexes. Each week the male and female columnists wrote on the same topic and had their words printed right next to their pictures. The “She Said” portion didn’t interest us much, but we loved the “He Said” column because of its suggestive nature. Week after week notions of being an alpha male were mixed with stereotypes about both college and girls and more often than not, hilarity ensued. The male that wrote the column our freshmen year was a pseudo celebrity in our eyes. We looked up to him like women look up to Oprah. Unfortunately we never got the chance to meet him, but he set the bar for what was to come.

Our sophomore year at the U was a blur. It is probably the year of college that I remember the least from. While it is usually social events and situations that stand out in my mind, my sophomore year memories involve a few classes that I took with Tim. Actually more like, a few classes that Tim took with me. Tim, although tall, good looking, and athletic, was not the best student out there. Somehow, someway he always managed to find his way into classes that I was already registered to take.

In our fall semester, Tim and I had a class together called Argument & Advocacy, which is just liberal arts code for Public Speaking. Argument & Advocacy turned out to be one of my favorite classes of all time because it truly brought a random collection of 30 kids together. If you were walking around campus and saw someone from that class, it was a guaranteed hello, which is something that never happened in any other class. On the first day we interviewed another student in the class and then had to introduce them to the rest of the room. A classic ice breaker activity. The kid that I interviewed was some meat head Irish Catholic from the outskirts of Boston. Just like anyone else that lives within an hour of Boston, he claimed that it only took him 10 minutes on the T to get to Fenway Park. I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve heard that. He turned out to be a nice kid who earned the distinction of being the “He Said” writer when I was a junior. He had his moments, but in my opinion, focused too much of his writing on dumb stories about his friends getting drunk and punching holes in walls.

During the spring semester of my sophomore year, I took a class called Interpersonal Communication because it was a prerequisite for my Communications major. Evidently Communications is a pretty girly major, because there were 35 people in the class and only four, including me, had a rattlesnake between their legs. The three others were Tim, of course, another kid in our grade that ended up being a very good friend of mine, and a senior who just so happened to write the “He Said” column that year.

He fit the writer stereotype pretty well. He was a heavy set kid with a full beard and he wore a lot of flannel shirts. You could tell that he wasn’t a part of the “in” crowd and that he had probably never kissed a girl, but he offered a unique perspective on male/female dynamics in his column every week. He wasn’t much of a talker, but he did some damage with the written word. I still remember to this day that in his Valentine’s Day column, which is a much anticipated article every year, he wrote, “Girl, I’d rather hold a live grenade than your hand in public.” To me, this line accurately depicted the common male opinion on public displays of affection and at the same time took a shot at some of the gaudy couples of our fine institution. Because the class was called Interpersonal Communication, our teacher was fascinated with his gender driven role with the student newspaper. About once every two weeks she would ask him about his column, but he only said whatever was necessary to stay on her good side. Even so, I was always impressed with his ability to tap into the mind of the average Fairfield male without actually being anything remotely close to that himself.

As junior year progressed, knowing the “He Said” from Argument & Advocacy class seemed to wane his celebrity status for both Tim and I, but it also gave us a chance to share our thoughts with him personally. He was a sturdy 5'10 and in a way resembled a refrigerator. In his picture that appeared next to his column every week, he wore a Boston Red Sox jersey and crossed his arms in typical Boston smug fashion. You almost didn’t even need to read what he wrote. That picture said it all. He lifted weights at the gym, drank 30 beers a night, loved the Sahx, instigated fights, and had an anger problem. Shocker.

During the spring semester you could tell that his role with The Mirror was holding him back. Like Tim, he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. In talking to him it seemed as if he approached his “He Said” role as just another assignment that he had to get done each week. It didn’t help that the “She Said” that year was a porker. Perhaps if she was hot, his being forced to interact with her week in and week out would have piqued his interest a bit more. Late in the year he lost touch with his readership by writing about senior only events and taking weeks off altogether. He just wanted to enjoy his last few months as a college student and for that I cannot blame him at all.

In April of 2007, The Mirror starting running ads asking for kids to submit an application to be the He Said/She Said the following year. Tim and I both expressed our desire to have someone that was funny and engaging enough to be our He Said because we wanted every part of our senior year to be awesome. I was fresh off taking a News Writing course that opened my eyes to one of my many gifts, so I decided to apply for the position myself. The application process was simple enough. The Mirror asked for potential candidates to send in a column of no more than 400 words that answered the prompt, “The best and worst parts about being a male/female freshman”.

I sat down in front of my computer and stared at a blank Microsoft Word document and tried to re-capture some of the commonalities that most kids go through as freshmen. I’ve come to learn that in all writing, the first sentence is always the toughest. It took a few minutes, but once I got my first few thoughts on the screen the rest just flowed. Naturally I shared my application with Tim before I sent it in. He offered a few minor suggestions (a.k.a. he dumbed it down a little bit) and with his approval, I anxiously waited for a response from The Mirror.

My application read:

The Best and Worst Parts about being a Male Freshman

The best part about being a freshman guy is that you are in...colllllegggge. No parents! We do what we want. It’s like a $40,000 summer camp. Living in co-ed dorms is like getting a key to the girls locker room. Female hormones are flowing like the sweat from every guy’s armpits on their walk from Campion to the Dolan School of Business (unless they are Italians who shave their chests and refuse to wear sleeves) A lot of these girls come into freshmen year still clinging to their loser high school boyfriends and it just gives guys that much more of a challenge. My over/under for most girls to cheat is the second weekend of the year. There’s nothing better than being a homewrecker.

College is a new beginning, a clean slate. No longer are you Mitch, the kid who farted in 9th grade music class², or Pat, the one beer queer who threw up on his date after the prom. That is of course if you aren’t one of the 3409870 kids from Long Island, New Jersey, or Massachusetts who went to high school with 20 kids in the freshmen class. You become Mitch from Westchester and Pat, the one beer queer from Philly who threw up the first night of school in the middle of the quad and got taken to the health center.

Another great part about being a freshman guy is of course the facebook and I do not mean the website. Sure the access to the Fairfield network is sweet because you can be a creep before anybody knows you. Also, you can walk onto campus in September with 464 friends at Fairfield while being in every single “Fairfield Class of 20xx” group there is. The facebook I am talking about is the tangible freshman facebook with everyone’s picture and mini-bio included. (Diana Diaz from Boca Raton, Fl who liked waterskiing and people why did you have to get kicked out freshman year for dealing drugs?) You and your new found friends on your floor, because let’s be honest you only hang out with the guys on your floor freshman year, can scan through the book and draft “dibs” on your favorite females before they put on the freshmen 15. But this isn’t your regular Madden fantasy draft that every guy thinks they are good at because there is no guarantee that your draftee is going to show up for training camp in your room late on Friday night.

The worst part about being a male freshman? Is that a serious question?

After a few weeks of waiting, I was finally told by a girl that I knew who worked for The Mirror, that I was in fact the He Said for my senior year.

1- I can’t guarantee that that will be my last Price is Right reference

2- I actually know a kid named Mitch who farted in 8th grade music class.

I won’t tell you how much of this tale I have already written, but my plan is to unveil at least one chapter per month in order to force me to keep writing.

Hate List 3.0

2011-09-26T17:39:00.005-04:00

I can't believe it's taken me almost 18 months, but it's time to update my Hate List. For those new to the blog I completely ripped the idea from a girl I went to highschool with who created a hate list on her Facebook profile. My previous two installments can be found here and here.

1.) Folding- For the first 18 years of my life my mom did my laundry. I always assumed it was this daunting task that took forever. For that reason I was always very thankful that my mom took the time out of her day to wash my clothes. From the outside looking in it just didn’t seem like a task that I could handle by myself.

Now that I’ve done my own laundry for 6 of the past 7 years (my grandmother did my laundry for me during my senior year of college because I didn’t have a washer/dryer in my beach house) I’ve realized that the chore is actually incredibly simple. Yes, it’s time consuming, but you can get a lot done during the interim. You just have to be mindful of how long your clothes have been in the washer or dryer.

What really sucks about doing your own laundry is folding your clothes. As you remove your clothes from the dryer you assume that the task is done, but in reality it’s just getting started. While on the surface folding looks relatively easy and straightforward it’s not. It’s tedious, time consuming, and stressful. Some garments you fold, some you have to put on a hanger, others need to be ironed, socks need to be paired, etc.

It should be noted that I’m also terrible at folding clothes to fit into a backpack, suitcase, etc. I can fold clothes in half. That’s about it. Anything that involves multiple folds is out of my range.

2.) Canker sores- The worst, right? I literally have no idea how they form or where they come from , but canker sores are incredibly painful. Not in the sharp, biting sort of way. More in the annoyingly consistent while occasionally more irritable way. I don’t know how, but canker sores are completely debilitating. They consume your entire being and render you out of commission for their entire existence. Canker sores make it hard to think, eat, sleep, write award winning blog posts (yes, I’ve had one for about 4 days now- a canker sore), etc.

3.) When people leave their blinker on- Seriously though, are you going to turn here or not? I can’t figure out how this happens. First of all, when you turn your blinker on you can hear it when it blinks, right? That aside, it’s pretty hard to accidentally turn your blinker on, so at some point the culprit must have thought that they should turn and/or change lanes, but instead continued to go straight because most blinkers turn off once a turn is completed. I wish there was a way to communicate to these bonehead drivers. Speaking of which…

4.) When a car forces me to release from cruise control- I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with highway driving. I say this because I recently had to explain to my cousin what cruise control is. For the uninitiated, cruise control equipped cars allow the driver to accelerate to a desired speed where they can then click a button and the car will maintain that speed until the driver hits the brake pedal. I often use this feature only during long drives on the highway. In fact, when I was purchasing my new car in January the only requirement that my dad had was that the car had cruise control. If I found a brand new Ferrari for $100 my dad’s first question would have been, “Does it have cruise control?”

So the worst thing ever is when you have cruise control set at 77 miles per hour and a car in the speed lane doesn’t get over to the center or right lane in time and you have to hit the brake to release the cruise control before accelerating back to your desired speed and re-setting the cruise control.

It’s also pretty terrible when you and another car are taking turns passing one another the highway when you have cruise control. I wish there was a way to communicate the fact that you’re on cruise control to the other car. Sometimes I try to lift up my right knee so that they can see it to signify that I’m not pressing the gas pedal, but I don’t think the message is received very often.

I really think that in 10-15 years we’ll have a basic set of messages that we can send to other drivers. The horn has only gotten us so far. Maybe the driver’s side or passenger side windows could briefly turn opaque to show a set of 5-6 specific messages.

1.) You’re blinker is on
2.) I’m on cruise control, so this is all your fault.
3.) Go fuck yourself
4.) Turn that shitty music down
5.) I’m sorry. Totally my fault.
6.) Honk for me, Trucker.

5.) Girls that call their female friends their “lovers”- If I see one more Facebook status that says something to the effect of, ”Can’t wait to see my lovers tonight!” I’m going to snap.

6.) The PCMatic commercial-

I don’t think the word hate is strong enough for the way I feel about this commercial. I mean, I get that they are just trying to get viewers of this commercial to remember the name of their product/website, but saying PCMatic 12 times in the course of a minute? That’s just annoying. I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see it.

Also, the flawed logic (not to mention the horrendous acting) of the commercial bothers me greatly. Apparently this couple shares a car (“I need the car anyway”) with the license plate PCMATIC, but somehow the man has never heard of PCMATIC?

7.) The way Michelle from Bachelor Pad 2 said “Graham.”- She didn’t completely botch the name, but there was something different about the way that she said it. I still haven’t really put my finger on it, but something was definitely wrong.

See if you can help me out. Listen to the 1:44 mark.

It should be noted that I don’t hate either Michelle or Graham, but the way Michelle said Graham’s name bothered me enough not to root for them.

8.) Tattoos- They are unattractive and will look horrendous when you’re older. I don’t get the appeal. I understand when people get tattoos that serve as reminders of significant people or events (the loss of a friend, an armed service man or woman getting ink to remind themselves of their service), but Chinese symbols? Random quotes?

I’ve heard that tattoos are a racial issue, and they might very well be, but my counter argument to that would be Robert Swift and Chris Anderson.

Have I mentioned how much I'm going to miss the NBA season?

Lastly, if you’re going to get a tattoo just remember that the placement is of supreme importance. There are tasteful ways to do this. For the opposite of what to do please look no further than Stephon Marbury and Mike Tyson.

9.) My cell phone charger- I can’t go a day without having to charge my phone. It’s horrendous. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve gone down to my buddy’s apartment in NYC with my charger in my pocket.

All that said, I literally can’t imagine life without a smartphone these days. I got my first in December and it’s completely changed my life. Having the internet at your finger tips is incredible. I’ve also been so immersed in sports lately that I get most of my news from the USA Today app on my phone.

10.)How everything needs to be politically correct- Our society is wayyyyy too sensitive. The way that everything has to be done in said in ways to avoid offended anyone bothers me immensely. For example, two weeks ago New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (Gisele’s husband) was asked if he had a message for the team’s fans in advance of their home opener. The golden boy said, “Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It's a 4:15 game, a lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here, and cheer for the home team.” A short while later the team released a statement which said that what Brady meant was “Be hydrated, drink a lot of water and drink responsibly.” Are we serious? Do you really think we're that dumb? What was going through the PR person's mind when they wrote that? What bothers me the most is that Brady's comment was not offensive in any way, shape, or form, but team officials still felt compelled to cover their asses and release that horseshit statement. People drink beer at football games. Get over it.

Social Studies

2011-09-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

Back in November I told you that although I’m as awkward as they come I still consider myself an expert when it comes to societal rules and protocol. Well last week I found myself on the wrong end of what I thought was an egregious etiquette faux pas. Naturally I turned to my friend Browny, who has a firm grasp of what the proper social norms are/or should be.

Our email exchange went like this:

Browny,

So I'm at the bank yesterday cashing 3 checks from a fantasy football league that I'm in with my friends from college. Two of the checks were for $110 and the third was for $160 (an extra keeper). Only one check had "fantasy football" written in the memo.

As I approach the counter and hand the checks to a 50-year-old female teller I notice that the teller to my left and the teller working the drive thru are both pretty good looking 25-30 year olds. In a matter of seconds the two attractive tellers finish with their respective customers and are both free to do as they please because no one else is in line. I tell the 50-year-old teller that I want to cash the checks that I handed her. She then proceeds to look them over before loudly saying, "Fantasy football, eh? 'Tis the season!"

Now I'm not embarrassed about playing fantasy football, but I didn't appreciate this woman loudly announcing what kind of checks I was cashing (mind you only 1 of the 3 said fantasy football on it), especially because the only other people that heard it were the two young, attractive tellers.

Was this woman 100% in the wrong or am I crazy? Does she have the right to comment on the memo of a check? Was she just making inane conversation? What if it said "drug money" instead of “fantasy football”? My friends from college have written plenty of jokes in that space before.

I need a ruling and you are the only societal judge I trust.

Let me know at your convenience,

Noon

Dan,

The ruling on this is very clear. The 50 year old teller was completely in the wrong and here is why:

I am assuming the bank you went to is much like the banks I have been too where the "line" is designed for you so that people do not stand and wait all over the place. Many pharmacies practice this procedure as well. While it contains the obvious purpose of creating an orderly line for quality service it is also intended to create privacy.

Typically there is a few feet or so between the line and the counter and customers are not to cross over until directed to do so. This is supposed to help ensure privacy of your financial transactions which are no one else’s business, so this teller gets a Fail.

Fantasy Football is nothing to be ashamed of, but I can understand the variable of the two attractive females. It’s not embarrassing, but it’s not ideal either, not that anything was to come of it but this lady did you no favors. What is written in the memo field is intended for the recipient of the check and no one else. I am sorry this happened to you and my only suggestion would be when you collect your winnings from that league deposit it with one of the hot tellers so they know you are ballin.

Jeff

Feel free to disagree, but I obviously agree whole heartedly with Browny’s assertion. That said, I have a few observations from our email exchange.

1.) Did anyone find it weird that I called Browny “Browny” and myself “Noon” and Browny called himself “Jeff” and me “Dan”? I assume that Browny must send formal emails at work all day long because when we see each other I called him “Browny” and he calls me “Noon”.

2.) I love that he capitalized the “F” in the word fail.

3.) How obnoxious is the phrase, “’Tis the season!”? I literally can't think of a way where it could be used tastefully.

Daily Dump

2011-09-13T18:06:00.001-04:00

Back in my youth (roughly 2 years ago) a few friends and I used to occasionally send each other pictures of our dumps. It was a once every two to four weeks thing and the key was to write a funny caption to go along with your dump. Textbook dumps aren’t that funny, so you needed a weird looking or impressive looking fecal creation and a funny or witty comment to go along with it.

A few examples that I remember:

“Who flushed the cat down the toilet? Meow!”

“I re-created the asteroid belt.”

During the midst of these exchanges my friend Tyler came up with an idea. He wanted to take a dump every day for an entire year, take a picture of it, and post it to a website called dailydump.com. He thought it would be fascinating to view the variation in one person’s plops throughout the course of a year. Let the record show that Ty’s dumps would be worth checking out for an entire year. Some of his execratory efforts were so impressive that I was convinced that they were fake.

Unfortunately this idea never gained too much traction, although I still think it’s very intriguing. If I had a month or two to fully devote myself to making this idea happen here’s what I’d do.

Obviously it wouldn’t be enough to just post the picture of the daily dump(s), but that would still be the focal point of the site. Every year (maybe month) there would be a different dumper, who would chronicle their daily bouts with the toilet. I’d want them to write about what they ate in-between trips to the restroom, when they first felt the urge to dump, where they dumped, if anyone else was in the bathroom, how the wipe went, what the dump smelled like, etc.

Along with the daily dumper’s pictures and posts I’d also have other bloggers contributing content to the site.

1.) Facturds (a terrible play on the word Factoids)- There’s plenty of remarkable poop related information out there. As you know I have a daily calendar called “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” that gives me poop/pee/fart related information every morning. I would characterize about 1 of every 5 days as legitimately interesting (as I’ve posted before) and that kind of information would be routinely posted on the site. For example, did you know that the average fart speed is 10 feet per second or 6.8 miles per hour?

2.) Flushing out the News- Poop related stories pop up in the news more often than you’d think. For example, a few years back then Yankees pitcher Chan Ho Park explained his bad performance by saying this…

3.) Reader interaction- This portion of the site would ask readers to vote/comment on various polls (over/under, wiping style, etc.) and to share their poop stories.

Monetizing a website is never easy, but if there truly was a niche for this kind of thing wouldn’t it only seem fitting for companies like Scott’s and Febreze to advertise on the site?

College Manifesto

2011-09-06T17:04:00.005-04:00

It’s hard to believe, but 7 years ago this week I began my illustrious college career. Friend of the blog, and my boy for life, Gens recently told me that he sent a “things I wish I knew before I went” email to two kids venturing off to college. Now Gens is a wise man because he realized that this college manifesto, if you will, is a perfect blog topic for yours truly. You see people- this is the kind of idea that I expect you to send my way from time to time.

I won’t include Gens’ email because our thoughts are relatively similar, but as fate would have it in the days after the idea was presented to me I saw the following paragraph in an ESPN.Com column by Bill Simmons.

That reminds me, it's my duty to pass along these five rules for anyone heading to college: stay active beyond your classes (newspaper, radio station, etc.); don't date anyone for longer than two semesters; always drink liquor before beer and not vice-versa; don't forget to call your parents every few days; and approach your classes the same way Shaq approached his NBA career. In other words, don't kill yourself trying to become the best center of all time; just do enough to eventually get mentioned in the top 10, and enjoy every moment along the way. Shaq could have ended up with a 3.95 in the NBA; he settled for a 3.4. Ultimately, did it really matter? He won three four rings, made something like $300 million, clinched a spot on the "best 15 players ever" list, kicked ass for three straight postseasons and will be remembered by everybody who watched him. That's what you want to get out of college.

I must admit that I was impressed that he summed it up that succinctly, but after reflecting I think I can boil it down to one sentence.

Think big picture, but live in the moment.

For a more detailed explanation of what I mean here is my college manifesto:

Go to class- Although you may think that it’s “cool” to skip class you should really make it a point to go. I don’t care how tired or hungover you are. Despite what professors want to believe there isn’t a lot critical thinking involved at the college level. All you need to do in most classes is regurgitate information. Whether it be on a quiz, paper, or test all you have to do is spit back the material that your professor presents to you. If you don’t go to class you won’t have the slightest idea of what that information is.

Going to class and paying attention when you’re there helps build a rapport with your professor. This can only benefit you. Another way to establish a positive relationship with your professor is to go to their office hours. I don’t care if you have the simplest question ever. Hardly anyone shows up to a professor’s office hours, so making that effort will work wonders. From that point forward they will know who you are and do everything in their power to make sure that you succeed in their class.

Take a nap everyday (M-F)- Like I said, being too tired for class is a poor excuse. Do what you can to attend all of your classes and budget out 45-60 minutes a day to nap. These naps will be the best thing ever.

Get involved- There are so many opportunities to get involved on a college campus that you would be foolish not to take advantage of them. Sure, sitting around your dorm room playing video games may be a good conduit to make friends early in your freshmen year, it’s also a gigantic waste of time.

When I say get involved, I don’t mean in the high school way where you did things only so that you could put them on your college applications. Sure, getting involved in college can help boost your resume, but college is all about discovering yourself, so only get involved in things that truly interest you.

Within the first few weeks of my freshman year I became friends with a kid on my floor and we went down to the campus radio station and they gave us a weekly show (there was a tryout that we dominated). During my sophomore year a girl that I had hooked up with noticed a sign in the cafeteria about a sports broadcasting meeting. I had seen the sign as well, but I was hesitant about showing up by myself. This girl basically talked me into it and I’m sure glad that she did. In the years that followed I announced men’s basketball, women’s basketball, and men’s lacrosse on the radio and internet. Now I work for the worldwide leader in sports.

As a junior my cousin who will not be named got me a job as a referee for the intramural department. I was already very active in the intramural community, so it was a perfect fit. I essentially got paid to be somewhere where I normally was anyway. Eventually I became an intramural supervisor and was afforded the privilege of swiping in and out of work. Instead of getting paid by the game I was paid by the hour I was clocked in. This meant that I got paid to play intramural games, write power rankings, create fake awards (Ex- Stud and Dud of the Week), and to play pickup basketball.

During my senior year I began writing for the school’s newspaper. For the first semester I only wrote a weekly humor column, but in the second semester I received 3 credits to write an additional news story (of my choosing) every week. I wrote articles about my friends that were athletes, about intramural sports, and about campus trends.

Stay Active- You probably take for granted how high school sports kept you in shape. Because the majority of you are not talented enough to play collegiate sports you need other ways to stay active. If not, you’ll pack on the infamous Freshman 15 real quick.

I was never much of a workout warrior, but I stayed active by playing intramural sports and playing pickup basketball. Intramurals are a great way to make friends. I can’t tell you how many kids I came to know solely because of playing intramurals. Form a team with the kids on your floor and don’t take yourselves too seriously. A lot of gym class heroes play intramurals, but no matter how competitive you are always remember that it’s only intramurals. It’s not worth getting in a fight over.

As far as playing pickup basketball goes. I don’t care how good you are (or think you are) your goal early on should be to be a good teammate. Pass the ball. Only shoot when you have to. If you’re fun to be on a team with things will go a lot better for you. If you’re a turnover machine who shoots the ball every time you touch it no one will want to be on your team.

Learn your roommate’s schedule- No explanation necessary

Get a fake ID- It’s essential to have a fake ID in college until that magical day when you turn 21. A lot of the action is at bars and you won’t be able to get in without a fake ID.

Ideally for your fake ID you want a real ID that hasn’t expired. Most bars won’t let you in if your ID has expired and they also scan IDs and truly fake or doctored IDs won’t scan.

Here’s what you do.

Step 1- identify an older brother, former teammate, or friend that is 21 and sort of looks like you. Step 2- Give them $50-$100 to fill out a lost identification form at your DMV’s website. Step 3- Ask them for their old ID and another form of photo identification if at all possible.

I paid my older brother to claim he lost his ID and he actually just held on to the old ID and let me use the brand new one. After I turned 21 a kid I played lacrosse with in high school asked me for my old ID and I gave it to him (along with another photo ID). Then one night at a bar about a year later a bouncer came up to me and told me that my little brother keeps trying to get in with my ID. I kept telling him that I didn’t have a little brother and he thought I was just covering for an actual brother, but then I realized who it was.

Find a relatively remote toilet somewhere on campus- When you aren’t in or close to your dorm you’re going to need a sanctuary to defecate. The less populated the facility the better.

Find a computer lab- Doing schoolwork in your dorm, townhouse, house, etc. will become increasingly difficult as your college career unfolds. There are just too many distractions. That’s why it’s crucial to find a place where you can get some work done. It’s also important that the work space you choose includes the option to print. I had a printer during my freshman year, but once the ink ran out (quickly because everyone will ask you to use your printer if they know you have one) I never replaced it.

Most people do their work in the library and as long as you go there when it’s not packed (Sunday nights) you should be fine.

Take a Public Speaking course- I don’t care if your major is Math or Biology. At some point in your college career you should take a Public Speaking course. Not only is it the most helpful class you can take, but it’s the only one that will definitely have real world benefits.

Go to church- First and foremost I’m not advocating the 9am mass on Sunday mornings. Most schools will have a 10pm mass on Sundays. That’s the one to attend. Why? Well everyone gets something different from going to mass, so I won’t pretend to be a missionary. For me it depended on who the priest was. If he could relate and deliver a meaningful message I went (only for about a 5 week stretch in my sophomore year). One of my friends once told me that he goes because it gives him a chance to reflect on what he did during the past week and what he wants to do the following week.

Now that’s all fine and good, but going to church in college is actually a great place to meet girls. Not that you’re picking them up in the communion line, but you at least become aware of one another and can go from there.

Girls- As far as females go, it’s important to remember that they are just as horny as you are (I think this is forgotten too often). Early on it’s all about getting them to come back to your dorm room (perhaps to “watch a movie”). That’s not an easy task by any means, but once you have them in your room you are golden.

Ironically, though, I liked to play on the road and here’s why. 1.) Female beds are a lot more comfortable 2.) You don’t have to worry about when she’s going to leave. It’s all up to you and I would recommend leaving early.

When hooking up with girls try not to get tied down. Be smart and very selective before you even think about dating a girl. I'm not saying don't do it. Just be careful. You go to a small school. Dating a girl usually renders all of her friends off limits for the remainder of your stay in college. If you just hook up with a girl a few times freshman year you can still hook up with her friends when you’re a junior or senior.

Never lose sight of the fact that at no other time in your life will you be surrounded by so many good looking, attainable females that are looking to get some. Make the most of this opportunity.

It should also be noted that 2 out of every 3 girls that have boyfriends will cheat. There’s nothing wrong with being “such a good listener” because odds are she’s going to cave.

Go on Spring Break- Do yourself a favor and go on Spring Break with a group of friends at least once while you’re in college. You’ll make some memories that you won’t forget for the rest of your life. For example, I’ve told the story before, but the name of this very blog stems from a comment my buddy Glancy made during Spring Break in South Padre, Texas.

Alcohol- Bringing alcohol into the dorms and imbibing it is a risk worth taking, but never forget that it’s a risk. Odds are that you’re going to get written up at least once. My recommendations are as follows:

While bringing a 30 pack of beer into the dorms the tried and true method of unloading the cans into a backpack is the way to go. Where people run into trouble is that all too often they load the backpack up in the parking lot close to the dorm where they plan on bringing it in. What you should do is load the backpack up right after it’s purchased at your local package store. Then have the driver drop off the bag carrier near an academic building (or library) and have them walk back to the dorm from there. This at least creates the illusion that they are coming from a class and may in fact have books in their bag.

Once the alcohol is in the dorm I would suggest partying in someone else’s dorm room. Casually drinking/pre-gaming with your roommate and a few others is find, but if music, beer pong, etc. are involved you want to be somewhere else. This is because if you get written up (and again, it’s probably going to happen) your RA or the RA on duty will remember what dorm the drinking occurred and assign most of the blame (at least mentally) to those that inhabit it.

You also may be in a bar that gets raided (happened to me twice). Get out of the building by any means necessary.

Visit your closest friends from high school at their college- Do this at least once and don’t wait until your senior year because you won’t want to miss a weekend then. I visited at least 5 of my closest friends (7 if you count schools in Syracuse) during my four years of college.

Think big picture- Never let a test or paper prevent you from going out. Always ask yourself, “What is this test going to matter in 5-10 years?” Along the same lines, never be too tired to go out. You don’t want to miss a memorable night. Almost all of your college memories will be from social events and you’ll never forgive yourself if you missed the night when ________ happened because you were studying for a Philosophy test.

Get your (parents’) money’s worth- College is crazy expensive. Assuming my initial points about not skipping class weren’t convincing enough, each class you attend costs about $175 ($40,000 a year/240 classes or 10 per week). Don’t throw that money away. Go learn something.

Speaking of which, don’t skip any meals either. Get your grub on and make the most of your cafeteria. Most people will complain about the limited options, but get creative and embrace the food.

Try new things- You will inevitably fall into some sort of social rhythm or pattern. This bar on Tuesday, that bar on Thursday, this dorm on Friday, this house on Saturday, etc. While these options may be great don’t confine yourself to them. Expand your range for late night activities. Go saki bombing, get margaritas on Cinco de Mayo, make some jungle juice, host a theme party, etc.

Go abroad- This is my one regret from college. I never went because I couldn’t stand the thought of missing an entire Notre Dame football season or Syracuse basketball season, but looking back I wish that I did. I haven’t heard anyone say a bad word about their time abroad. Ever. Seeing the world is something that everyone should do and going with a group of kids you go to college (even if you haven’t met any of them) is the perfect opportunity.

Stay informed- It’s easy to get consumed with your own little world as a college student, but do your best to stay in tune with what’s happening in the world. Trust me, your professors will notice if you have some concept of what’s happening politically, economically, internationally, etc. I achieved this task by regularly watching The Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Watching these shows paid significant dividends for me in my politics, communications, and writing classes.

Develop a relationship with 1-2 professors- You will inevitably have a favorite teacher or two. Make the most of this relationship. You will need them as a reference when you start applying for jobs.

Realize that everything comes full circle- Don’t get mad if you have to pay $5 for a solo cup at a party. By the time you’re a senior you’ll be on the other end of that transaction. Also, don’t get upset if a girl is hooking up with an older guy because sooner or later you’ll be that older guy and come second semester senior year all of the girls in your grade will be desperately looking for some loving.

Cherish every moment because it goes wayyy too quickly- Have fun.

Utlimate Mix

2011-08-31T15:41:00.002-04:00

Back in the Napster/Limewire days of my youth I was pretty into burning CDs. Just like our parents had mixtapes we had mix CD's/CD mixes (can't remember what the proper term was). The only problem was that there were restrictions at just about every turn

In the pre-iTunes days you needed software in order to burn a CD and in most cases you had to pay for it. There was no way that I was going to pay for burning capibility, so I once searched around and downloaded the trial version of some CD burning software. The catch was that I could only put 10 songs on a CD and I could only burn 10 CDs. This severely limited my song choices, so I had to really think about what songs were the most deserving to be a part of my mixes. I didn't have any room to waste. I couldn't make any rash decisions if I happened to hear a song that I liked 2-3 times. I had to make sure that I would still like it a month or two down the road.

When I finally reached the point where I had unlimited CD burning capibility I soon realized that the next restriction was the amount of space that blank CDs could hold. Some could only hold 70 minutes, others could hold 80, and oddly enough there were some that could hold 74 minutes. This usually limited my mixes to roughly 17 songs, which was a lot more than the 10 I was used to, but it was still a restriction.

Through the years I've made countless mix CD's (My mom bought me 100 blank CDs before I left for college) and there have been plenty of songs that have ended up on multiple mixes. Because of this slight overlap I've always thought about making what I would consider to be the ultimate mix CD.

Now, of course, I've never gotten around to making the ultimate mix, but for some reason the thought occurred to me the other day.

I decided to limit myself to 15 songs and here's what I came up with. I haven't actually made the CD, but if I do the songs would appear in this order.

*After reading through this list feel free to never respect my opinion on music ever again. I won't be offended.

1.) U2- City of Blinding Lights- On my highly acclaimed radio show in college we primarily played rock music, but also had a Rap/Hip Hop pick and Girly pick of the week. My buddy from home wanted me to add a U2 pick of the week and this was the first song that he recommended.

2.) Foo Fighters- Everlong- Do songs ever make you think of a specific time in your life? Well for me, this song makes me think of the Spring when I was in 7th grade.

3.) Guns N' Roses- Sweet Child o' Mine- Quite possibly my favorite song of all time.

4.) The White Stripes- Seven Nation Army- No other song gets me more pumped up for athletic competition.

5.) AC/DC- Thunderstruck- This is a close second.

6.) The Who- Baba O'Riley- The 1:13 musical lead up is just fantastic.

7.) Van Halen- Why Can't This Be Love?- I probably could have picked 3-4 Van Halen songs, but this one is my favorite.

8.) Foreigner- I Want to Know What Love Is- My #1 love song had to be included.

9.) Bruce Springsteen- Brilliant Disguise- A little bit off the map in terms of Bruce songs, but I can't get enough of this one.

10.) Green Day- When I Come Around- Track #10 on Dookie was a no brainer to be Track #10 on my ultimate mix.

11.) Billy Joel- Scenes From an Italian Restaurant- "A bottle of white, a bottle of red."

12.) Tupac- Changes- I'm not embarassed to know virtually every word in this song.

13.) Arcade Fire- We Used to Wait- My #1 song from 2010. It will probably be the first song to get booted from the mix if I realize that I forgot about a song that I love.

14.) Third Eye Blind- How's it Going to Be?- I can't say it better than lead vocalist Stephan Jenkins, "It deals with a question that we ask ourselves whenever a relationship ends: What does that mean? What it means is that you are no longer intimate, and the transition from friends to acquaintances is a brutal one. Because it reminds us, I think, of all the things ending. 'How's it gonna be/When you don't know me?' There's not an answer to that question."

15.) Kanye West- Family Business- Say what you want about Kanye, but this song is awesome.

"I woke up early this mornin' with a new state of mind
A creative way to rhyme without usin' knives and guns
Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God
And keep your face to the risin' sun"

Songs that just missed the cut (in alphabetical order by artist):

.38 Special- Caught Up in You
AC/DC- You Shook Me All Night Long
Billy Joel- Allentown
Blink 182- Going Away to College
Bone Thugs 'N Harmony- Tha Crossroads
Brand New- Failure by Design
Bruce Springsteen- Glory Days
Cathy Richardson- Here Come the Irish
Def Leppard- Photograph
Fabolous- This is My Party
Foreigner- Jukebox Hero
Glenn Frey- The Heat is On
Green Day- Good Riddance
Green Day- Waiting
Led Zeppelin- Stairway to Heaven
Metallica- Enter Sandman
Nirvana- Come As You Are
The Offspring- The Kids Aren't Alright
Phil Collins- In the Air Tonight
Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans- I'll Be Missing You
Red Hot Chili Peppers- Under the Bridge
REO Speedwagon- Keep on Loving You
U2- Where the Streets Have No Name
Van Halen- Can't Stop Lovin' You
The Who- You Better You Bet

I'm sure I forgot at least 25 others. Feel free to let me know what songs I missed.

Top 26

2011-08-24T15:57:00.004-04:00

This Saturday is my cousin who will not be named's 26th birthday (we are getting oldddd). In honor of that I have compiled the following 26 stories, facts, inside jokes, etc. that I can share. I'm sure he could think of 26 funnier ones, but these are the first ones that I came up with.

1.) My cousin and I took a class together called Argument & Advocacy (Public Speaking) during our sophomore year of college. At the end of class one day our teacher strongly emphasized that we read over Chapter 8 in our book as homework. He was basically implying that we were going to have a pop quiz our next class. My cousin and I immediately blurted out things like, “I’m calling your bluff. You’re all talk,” and, “No way there’s a quiz. Kealey (our professor) doesn’t have it in him.”

Well sure enough to start our next class there was a pop quiz. Naturally neither my cousin nor I had read Chapter 8 because who writes a text book on public speaking anyway? The quiz only had 5 questions and they were all multiple choice. Shortly after we completed the quiz our professor gave us some nonsense assignment to complete in groups. While we were working he was grading the quizzes.

About 10 minutes into working on whatever assignment we were given I heard our professor say, “You gotta be kidding me, Tim. I basically told you that there was going to be a quiz.”

My cousin responded, “They were all curveballs!”

Some Asian kid in the back of the room, “Tim’s a fastball hitter.”

Tim got a 0 on the quiz. I got a 20.

2.) After our freshman year in college my cousin and our cousin Kate came to the city of hopes and dreams to visit me for a few days. We were on our way to a house party and stopped at a gas station to pick up some brews because I saw a large sign that said 18 packs of Bud Light were on sale for $15. I walked in, picked up an 18 pack and placed it on the counter. I was only 19 at the time, but I had my brother’s ID which had always worked for me. After the cashier checked the ID he said, “That’ll be $28.49”

In my head I thought, “Really? The sign right there says $15,” but I gladly forked over the cash because I wasn’t about to challenge him seeing that I was only 19.

3.) While playing beer pong against our housemates during our senior year of college my cousin was delaying the game because he was texting his little heart away. At one point our housemate Max said, “Texting Tim, come on dude. Let’s go.” Five minutes later when Tim was texting again our other housemate Greg said, “Let’s go Texas.” We all stopped and said, “What’d you say?” Instead of just owning up to his mistake Greg went with it and said, “Texas Tim. Let’s go.”

Whenever we see my cousin texting, which is about 23 hours a day, Max and I are sure to call him Texas.

4.) Songs that will all but guarantee to get my cousin out of bed in the morning

Go Cubs Go

The Italian National Anthem (Techno)

Brown Eyed Girl by Jimmy Buffet

Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones

Bang On The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren

5.) a.) During our junior year of college our buddy Glancy had 4 tickets to a Jets/Patriots game, so he decided to take my cousin, Pete (who you should remember from this post), and I. Another one of our friends, named Jack, took it upon himself to come with us even though he didn’t have a ticket. He figured that he’d just buy one once we got up there. If you told Jack you were having a great time anywhere he'd find a way to show up.

We left on a Saturday and went to Boston College to meet up with some friends there. On the ride up, Glancy was driving, Jack was in the passenger seat, and Pete, my cousin, and me were in the back seat. We were big time college dudes at that point so we crushed an entire 30 rack during the drive.

I don’t remember exactly at what point we began asking Glancy to pull over so that we could urinate, but for the sake of the story let’s just say it was after our first beer (it probably was). We must have asked him about 585736848 times and we could tell that he was getting mad, but we really had to pee, so we kept asking. Finally Glancy pulled over on the side of the road on the Mass Pike where a little opening of grass was and Pete, my cousin, and me piled out of his Jeep. As we finished draining our dragons a police car pulled over to the side of the road and onto the grass area where we were.

The cop asked us what we were doing and the genius that I am, keep in mind that I was hammered, said, “Sorry officer, I had to make a phone call.”

“It takes three of you to make a phone call?”

We didn’t know what to say, but God bless his soul he just told us to get out of there.

b.) While at BC we stayed in houses across the street from each other. My cousin and I in one house. Glancy and Pete in another. Where Jack slept I’m not entirely sure, but when it was time to go to Foxboro for the Jets/Pats game he was in Glancy’s jeep with Pete. My cousin and I were definitely still asleep though. Glancy must have called us about 12 times each. Finally we answered and told him that we’d be right out.

10 minutes later we were basically ready to walk out the door and Glancy yelled, “Let’s go assholes!” He was standing in the street and could see us moving about the house.

My cousin and I were still a little hamboned from the night before, so we began chanting, “Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da, Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da.”

c.) A week or two after the trip to Boston my cousin and I overheard Jack telling someone about our ride up. He said, “Petey had about 14 brews, the Stan Man had 12, Birdie (my cousin) had 17, I had 13, and Glance had 7 and he was driving!” In case you aren’t good at math, that’s 63 beers.

For the rest of the year and even sometimes to this day whenever someone asks how many beers we’ve had (who asks that anymore?) we will say that a bunch of us split a 30 rack and then say how many everyone had and blow the numbers way out of proportion.

6.) My cousin and I are really into sports and over the years we’ve watched sporting events with a plethora of people who don’t know that much. This isn’t a big deal by any means, but the worst thing ever is when someone attempts to make sports conversation and they have no clue what they’re talking about.

Our housemate Greg was the king of this. He’d always start out a comment with, “You know that guy on the Giants…..uhhh running back…”

My cousin or I would then say, “Brandon Jacobs?” And before we could finish saying Jacobs Greg would say, “YUP, Brandon Jacobs…that guy is good.”

My cousin and I concluded that he had no idea who he was talking about half of the time and that if we had said any other name, like Tom Jones, he’d say, “YUP, Tom Jones. It was on the tip of my tongue.”

7.) This one is similar in a way. Our RA freshmen year was a goofy kid named Murph. To sum he up quickly- he always wore cargo shorts, even in the winter. During our second semester my cousin and I were convinced that he had no idea what our names were even though we’d been saying hi to him on the path all year.

My cousin astutely pointed out that everytime he said hi to Murph on the path he’d always respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?” It’s like he was programmed to only say that. My cousin concluded that even if you said, “Hey Murph, what’s your favorite color?” he’d respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?”

8.) So the Asian kid from Argument and Advocacy class turned out to be a pretty cool dude whose last name was Burke. So naturally my cousin and I began calling every Asian person we saw “Burke” because, of course, they all look the same.

If we walked into a bar and an Asian kid was in sight my cousin would say, “You didn’t tell me that we were meeting Burke here.” If we walked past an Asian kid on campus I’d say, “Dude, why didn’t you say hi to Burke?” It was basically a running joke for years.

(Actually Burke)

During our Senior year we flew out to South Bend, Indiana for the BC/Notre Dame football game. One night we were there (I can’t remember if it was before or after the game) we decided to swing by the bookstore to stock up on some Irish gear. As we left the bookstore to walk back to where we were staying I noticed an Asian kid sitting on a bench so I nudged my cousin and said, “Aren’t you gonna say hi to Burke?” Sure enough, 750 miles away from Fairfield, it actually was Burke, who had graduated by that point.

9.) Perhaps our favorite Seinfeld line of all time is when Jerry says, “He’s eating onions, he’s spotting dimes. I don’t know what the hell’s going on?” We routinely find this line used in popular culture and send it to one another.

For example, I sent him this from a Bill Simmons column a few years back.

"19. N.Y. Giants
The G-Men remind me of the classic "Seinfeld" episode in which George loses his glasses and bites into an onion that he thought was an apple, but somehow notices a dime on the floor from 25 feet away and picks it up, leading to this exchange in Jerry's apartment after George keeps claiming to have seen Jerry's cousin kissing his girlfriend:
-- ELAINE: "He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eyewitness?"
-- GEORGE (still eating the onion): "I saw them making out, you can believe it!"
-- JERRY (snapping): "I don't know what to believe! You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"

10.) Speaking of the New York Football Giants back in 2007 my cousin pointed out how Eli Manning never throws a spiral. I don't know if it's the wind or what, but he throws wounded ducks every Sunday. Pay attention the next time you watch the G-men play.

For futher proof, my cousin sent me this shortly after the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008.

"Eli on Letterman -

Letterman went through the final drive with him and then asked about the touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress that gave them the 17-14 lead with 35 seconds left...

"It really looked so easy, and it was so beautiful," Letterman said.

"A spiral," Manning replied. "That's rare for me."

11.) Speaking of Eli, my cousin also lives in Hoboken, NJ. He claims to find “the greatest bar ever” about 49 times a year. He then tells me that he’s going to take me there the next time I’m down there. I’ll always ask where it is in relation to his apartment and without fail he’ll say, “It’s a block away.”

12.) My cousin and I both interned at a Sports Marketing firm called Octagon during our senior year of college. Every once and a while Octagon would provide the staff with food. Pizza, subs, etc. There was another intern there named Manny that ate like a garbage disposal. My cousin and I were flabbergasted at how much food this kid could shovel down his mouth. It was amazing.

If I texted my cousin right now and asked what he thinks Manny from Octagon had for lunch he’d reply with something like this, “A stack of ribs, a six foot sub, a triple cheeseburger with grilled cheese as the buns, 18 cookies, and a fudge sundae.”

13.) One night in college after getting home from the bar a group of us decided to go to Wendy’s for some late night slop. I was the first to order and I said, “I’ll have the first 8 things on the dollar menu.” My cousin lost it. He didn’t think that there was any way that I could eat all of that food, but I housed it Manny from Octagon style.

Speaking of fast food, my cousin physically can not order food from a drive thru and take it to his house, apartment, dorm, etc. to eat it. He doesn’t have the patience, so he eats it right away even if he’s driving.

14.) During our junior year my cousin and I were playing the drinking game called hockey with a small group of people in my townhouse. Not too long after our friend Jack joined the game, but he had never played before. We explained that whoever gets shot at gets to spin the quarter and then has to call someone’s name to take a shot at whoever’s beer bottle that they choose. If you don't know how to play it's very easy. Trust me.

Either way, the whole notion of calling someone’s name didn’t exactly register with Jack. Seemingly everytime he’d spin the quarter we’d all be anxiously waiting for him to call a name. Almost everytime we’d have to remind him and he’d inevitable panic and say, “Dahhh…..ahhhh….Birdie (my cousin).” Then there were the handful of times where he’d remember the rules and spin the quarter and quickly and very matter of factly say, “Birdie.”

I kid you not, we played for an hour or two and Jack called my cousin every single time he spun the quarter. Now whenever my cousin or I am flustered we will just say, “Dahh…ahh…Birdie.”

15.) During our senior year of college my cousin and I took an environmental ethics class because it only met once a week and we heard it was an easy A. Our teacher was an old man who had an odd way of describing someone or something that was confused or disoriented. He’d say, “He doesn’t know if he’s pitching or catching,” but he had no clue about the homosexual reference that he was making. I swear, this guy must have said it 3 times a week.

16.) During our freshmen year of college my cousin and I went up to a Syracuse/UCONN football game in Hartford, CT. As fate would have it our tickets were in the middle of the UCONN student section and I was wearing my “Real Men Wear Orange” t-shirt and sticking out like a sore thumb. I was also completely rocked which didn’t help things when the student section showered me with “ASS-HOLE!” chants. Don’t ask me why, but at halftime we decided to meet up with our aunt and uncle who were at the game. Within 15 seconds of the conversation my aunt said, “Dan, you have a few today, or what?”

The best part of the game was the UCONN chant when their team got to the goal line. The band would play a little ditty and then the students would chant, “Stick it in, stick it in, stick it in.” Even though I can’t stand UCONN I thought that was hysterical.

17.) A little more than a year ago my cousin and I were at our friend Mikey’s house for Kyle Korver’s 24th birthday. We somehow got to talking to Mikey’s dad late in the night. Early in the conversation I asked what Mikey’s dad did and he rattled off a few letters very matter of factly, but I didn’t comprehend him so I said, “I’m sorry, where?” He rattled off the same letters (I heard something like “BFG”), but he said it with such conviction that I said, “Oh, of course,” and the conversation carried on. 45 minutes later my cousin said, “I know you mentioned it earlier, but I didn’t catch it, where do you work?” Again, Mikey’s dad said what sounded like a few letters jumbled together. My cousin said, “I’m sorry, what’d you say?” Mikey’s dad repeated the same letters that still sounded like jibberish to my cousin and I and my cousin said, “Oh, of course” and the conversation continued.

Later that night my cousin asked me if I had any clue where Mikey’s dad worked and I laughed and told him that I had no idea, but that I noticed he did the same exact thing I had done.

A few months later we got the courage to ask Kyle Korver where Mikey’s dad works and his response…UPS. I still call bullshit because it sounded like “GHW” or “FHQ”.

18.) My cousin and I have long been fascinated by poop. In fact, in our freshmen year dorm I had a poster of all of the different kinds of poop that one could have; however one was missing. The just maker. This poop occurs when you feel the rumble in your stomach and you know that a mental ticker has been set off. That thing is counting down, so you better get to a toilet as soon as possible before it goes off. Reaching the toilet just as the poop stats erupting out of your rear end is what we like to call a just maker.

Now a few weekends ago my cousin and I were in Stamford for Kyle Korver’s 25th birthday. The following morning I was driving my cousin back to his car at the Fairfield train station. After housing a bacon, egg, and cheese from the Country Cow Deli we took a little campus tour during which my cousin felt the urge. I quickly sped to where there used to be 15 minute parking, but it had been transformed into a random patch of grass. Instead I looped around and parked in the parking lot outside the campus center. I made it in plenty of time for my cousin, so it doesn’t exactly qualify as a just maker, but I unleashed the fury as well. He thought it was hysterical that I was just like, "Yeah I can squeeze one out too."

The following weekend I was in NYC and I had parked my car at the Fairfield train station. Once I got back to it the next morning I felt the urge and dumped in the same toilet in the campus center that I had dumped in almost exactly one week earlier.

19.) Before my cousin met his beautiful girlfriend the old joke that our housemate Greg started was that if you put blonde hair on a pumpkin my cousin would hook up with it. My cousin soon began to refer to blonde girls that were borderline good looking as pump-i-kans.

20.) During our freshmen year of college I co-hosted a radio show with our friend Robby. We mainly played rock music, but we discussed current events from time to time as well. In February of 2005, Temple men’s basketball coach John Chaney admitted to sending in “a goon” to play rough and rack up fouls in a game against St. Joseph’s. That week on our radio show Tim called in from our dorm room and said that he was calling from the WVOF (our station’s call letters) chopper. He made helicopter sounds and pretending that he was zeroing in on John Chaney’s goon.

For the rest of the year, every time he called in it was from the WVOF chopper.

21.) One day during junior or senior year of college a bunch of people were playing pick up basketball at the Rec Plex. I was waiting to play in the next game while my cousin was already playing. He made two layups that he easily could have dunked and I called him out for it.

“Can you not dunk anymore or something? If I could dunk I’d do it every chance I got.”

So sure enough in the following game his team was beating mine 10-8 and he was on a fast break with me chasing him. He went up presumably to finish the game with a dunk to shut me up and I basically tackled him. He fell to the ground, his nose started bleeding, etc.

Let the record show that this was probably only my 2nd most vicious fast break takedown. Number 1 was on a girl, but that’s a story for another time and another place.

22.) Last year in Chicago a bunch of us were in a bar right outside Wrigley Field that has batting cages in it. After a particularly poor round our buddy Ty starting laying into my cousin (I think he swung and missed on all 10 balls he saw), but my cousin quickly retorted with, "Whatever dude. I can still dunk a basketball."

(Clearly I had no trouble in the cages, but then again I can't dunk)

23.) The year before in Chicago Glancy took us to some place for a roast beef sandwich. Apparently it was something that we had to have. My cousin and I showed up in the second cab, so by the time we got there 4 or 5 guys were already eating. Glancy took it upon himself to order for us and the people making our sandwiches literally placed them in a pan of grease and then put them on a tray for us. My cousin and I proceeded to make jokes about how we wanted our grease sandwiches without the roast beef next time, etc. Glancy said, "You guys are such assholes," and my cousin and I instinctively starting chanting, "Let's go ass-holes, da, da, da da da!"

24.) My cousin and I formed an air band at some point during our senior year of college. He was the ax man, I was the lead singer, and a kid 2 years younger than us was the drummer. Our go to songs, if I remember correctly, were U2- Pride and Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll. We only rocked out once or twice, but a year or two after we graduated we each wrote about 5-6 times on our “drummer’s” Facebook wall about getting the band back together.

25.) I've shared this story before, but it's one of my favorites. In February of our senior year my cousin and I went to a Knicks game with his girlfriend and her roommate. My cousin's girlfriend's roommate got us the tickets through her dad and she gladly dropped his credit card for food, beer, etc. The next day my cousin tracked down her father's email address and sent him a message thanking him for the tickets, etc. The email he got back read, "STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"

26.) During our freshman year of college there was a kid who would randomly dump on our floor's bathroom. My cousin and I dubbed him the phantom shitter and assumed that he must be hooking up with a girl who lived on the other side of the dorm.

I tell you this only because the year after we graduated a bunch of us went out in Stamford and slept at some girl's apartment. When everyone woke up the next morning there was poop chilling in the toilet. The girls obviously tried to pin it on the guys, but when all of the guys were alone at the Stamford train station no one came clean. This, of course, means that a girl was the phantom shitter that night.

Summer Watching

2011-08-10T21:46:00.007-04:00

Kind of like the summer reading we all had to do (no one really did it though, right?) back in highschool, I'm going to assign a TV show for you all to watch.

The Bachelor Pad 2, which airs on ABC on Mondays at 8pm.

If your immediate thought is “that show is definitely wayyy too feminine for me”, you’re wrong. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette- Yes, wayy too feminine, but The Bachelor Pad 2 is far from it. The best way to describe it is that it’s a reality show on steroids. It literally takes the best parts of your favorite reality shows (The Challenge, Survivor, Big Brother, Flavor of Love, The Bachelor(ette), Top Chef, The Apprentice), and puts them all in one show.

Crazy people- What these shows are basically selling (in no particular order) is drama, entertainment, urgency, and interesting. The key to this is casting people that a little unbalanced. In case you haven't noticed, if normal, everyday Americans were on these shows they wouldn’t be nearly as successful. The premises of these shows can only go so far. You have to have a little bit of crazy to make things more interesting (you know- tears, arguments, yelling, freak outs, etc.) and the people on The Bachelor Pad 2 are more than a little off kilter. In the cast are two couples that were previously engaged, a professional wrestler who goes by the name "Rated R", a guy who got a tattoo of a rose to impress a girl he knew for less than a month, a chick that hooked up with an NBA player (Carlos Boozer), and a girl (I wish I was making this up) that refers to herself as “The Princess”.

Intriguing Format- Every contestant on The Bachelor Pad plays for $250,000, but there’s a twist (at least this is how it worked last season). Two contestants (one female, one male) get voted off every week (the women vote off the men and the men vote off the women) until 4 females and 4 males remain. These remaining contestants then become four couples who compete with one another. In the finale only two couples remain. All of the past contestants then vote for the couple that they feel is most deserving of the $250,000, but that’s just the beginning. The winners are then put into what is known as a “Prisoner’s Dilemma” where they each go into a concealed, sound proof room and have to decide if they want to keep the money for themselves or share it with their partner. If they both vote to share the money then they share the money. If one person votes to share and the other person votes to keep it the person that voted to keep it gets all of the money. And if both of the contestants vote to keep the money for themselves the money is split evenly among the all of the other contestants.

This format obviously involves a lot of strategy for the contestants. From what I can tell being in a couple from the get go is a major advantage because the person you are hooking up with will do whatever they can to convince the other girls/guys not to vote you off. That said, you also have to flirt/be as nice as you can to the other girls/guys so they don’t vote you off and vote for you in the end. As with the other shows alliances, promises, etc. come into play.

Challenges- Every week/episode the contestants take part in a challenge that sets the stage for the rest of the show. The winners are granted immunity and thus safe from elimination. The challenges on other shows usually involve physical skill, athleticism, and a little bit of brains. The challenges on this show include all of the same things, but with the addition of sexual tension. Last week the contestants picked a partner of the opposite sex and were then suspended above a bed. The couple that held on the longest won.

Last year challenges involved a best kisser contest, a water balloon throwing contest, and a superlative contest (which contestant is most likely to…).

Attractive women- The Bachelor Pad 2 is loaded with very, very good looking women who are in bikinis about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time they are all dolled up in cocktail dresses, evening gowns, etc. Here is a sample of the women on this show.

Element of love- What makes these extremely attractive women even more enticing to watch is the fact that they are all looking for love. All of these people live together in a mansion and there’s a lot of hooking up going on. The Bachelor Pad 2 also sends the winners of the challenges out on lavish dates that usually include a fantasy suite where they can get down and dirty. This element of love, if you will, makes the show more interesting in every respect.

He's Gone Country

2011-08-03T16:19:00.004-04:00

So I watched the movie Country Strong starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Tim McGraw last night and I really enjoyed it. For the first time since Walk the Line I’m seriously tempted to go out and buy the soundtrack. In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that I used to be a country music hater, but now I can’t get enough. There’s just a certain level of authenticity to the lyrics that adds a little something else.

Aside from watching Country Strong, country music has also been on my mind of late because it’s summer time. For whatever reason Summer and country music just seem to work in tandem with each other. When you think about sipping brewskis at a lake, beach, or what have you I’m guessing that you hear country music playing in the background. I would also argue that most people that I know go to more country music concerts than any other during the summer. In fact, two of the best concerts I’ve ever been to have been country concerts in the summer.

Now like I said, I used to be a country music hater back in high school, so I’m no authority on the genre, but that’s not going to stop me from ranking my top 50 songs. Please take my limited country music experience (roughly 7 years) into consideration before you judge me for including or not including a particular song.

50.) Tim McGraw- Live Like You Were Dying

49.) Toby Keith- Whiskey Girl

48.) Alan Jackson- Livin’ on Love

47.) Brad Paisley- Whiskey Lullaby- You know it’s a country music countdown when two of the first four songs have whiskey in the title.

46.) Lonestar- Class Reunion (That Used to Be Us)

45.) Alan Jackson- Back Where I Come From- When I saw Alan Jackson in Syracuse he played a video montage of all the sights and sounds of the city of hopes and dreams. The Carrier Dome, Syracuse University, the Dinosaur BBQ, etc.

44.) Tim McGraw- Don’t Take the Girl

43.) Keith Urban- Somebody Like You

42.) Jake Owen- Barefoot Blue Jean Night- My favorite of all the country songs out right now.

41.) Rodney Atkins- Farmer’s Daughter

40.) Craig Morgan- Redneck Yacht Club- My friend from Maryland introduced me to this one and he has some serious credibility in the country world as indicated by the Confederate Flag that he hung in his dorm room.

39.) Toby Keith- Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue- Any song with the lyrics “We’ll put a boot in your ass because that’s the American way” should probably be #1.

38.) Carrie Underwood- Undo It- Stop what you’re doing right now and watch the video. You’ll thank me later. PS- If she came out and said that this song was about Tony Romo I’d put it in the Top 10.

37.) Rascall Flatts- These Days

36.) Lonestar- Amazed- This one has wedding song written all over it.

35.) Big and Rich- Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy- I will always associate this song with the World Series of Poker back when it was popular in 2005

34.) Sugarland- Stuck Like Glue

33.) Toby Keith- I Love This Bar- “We got winners, we got losers. Chain smokers and boozers.”

32.) Trisha Yearwood- She’s In Love With the Boy

31.) Miranda Lambert- The House that Built Me

30.) The Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil Went Down to Georgia

29.) Lady Antebellum- Need You Now

28.) Mark Willis- 19 Something- Sort of a country music version of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

27.) Alan Jackson- Remember When- This song can be quite the tear jerker for an adult looking back at their marriage, children, etc.

26.) Kenny Chesney- Keg in the closet- Collllllleggggggeeeee

25.) Keith Urban- Days Go By

24.) Zac Brown Band- Chicken Fried

23.) Phil Vassar- Six Pack Summer- My friend RJ dubbed this as my anthem for the summer of ’06 because I used to show up everywhere with a 6, 12, or 18 pack.

22.) Taylor Swift- Love Story- You’re a liar if you say that you don’t like this song

21.) Sara Evans- A Real Fine Place to Start- Obviously Track #1 on one of my country CDs.

20.) Buddy Jewell- Sweet Southern Comfort

19.) Chris Young- Voices

18.) Alabama- If You’re Gonna Play in Texas

17.) Rodney Atkins- Watching You

16.) Kenny Chesney- Live Those Songs- “So I’m sitting on a side walk in Fresno.”

15.) Toby Keith- American Soldier- This song will make you feel for our armed service men and women. “I can’t call in sick on Monday when the weekend’s been too long.”

14.) Tim McGraw- Something Like That- For all of you casual country fans this is the BBQ stain song.

13.) Kenny Chesney- The Good Stuff- “He didn’t reach around for the whiskey. He didn’t pour me a beer. His blue eyes kinda went misty. He said, “You can’t find that here.”

12.) Mark Willis- Jacob’s Ladder

11.) Phil Vassar- Just Another Day in Paradise

10.) Garth Brooks- Friends in Low Places- Arguably the most iconic, recognizable country song out there.

9.) Alan Jackson- Drive- Who knew learning how to drive could be such a nostalgic event?

8.) Lonestar- My Front Porch Looking In

7.) David Lee Murphy- Dust on the Bottle

6.) Kenny Chesney- Young- “We were lighting matches just to watch ‘em burn”

5.) Rascal Flatts- Fast Cars and Freedom "Staring at you taking off your makeup, wondering why you even put it on. I know you think you do, but baby you don't need it. I wish you could see what I see when it's gone."

4.) Phil Vassar- In a Real Love

3.) Kenny Chesney- I Go Back- I think about 8 girls I went to college with used the lyrics from this song in either their AIM profiles or as away messages (remember those?) in the summer inbetween our Freshman and Sophomore years. While that would normally be a tell tale sign that I shouldn't like a song I still do. I love that the chorus is about hearing a song that makes you think of a specific time in your life and then Chesney explicitly references Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" as being that song for him.

2.) Alan Jackson- It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere- If I worked 9-5 I think I'd make it a point to listen to this song everyday at some point to help get me through.

1.) Rodney Atkins- These Are My People- This song makes me think of summers in Syracuse with my highschool friends.

Turn Out the Lights

2011-07-21T21:53:00.008-04:00

As an avid TV junkie I’m sad to report that we lost one of the best television shows going last Friday. After five seasons NBC’s Friday Night Lights came to a close. As disappointing as it is that the series is now over it’s amazing that it lasted as long as it did, especially if you consider that it started as a book then became a movie and was then adapted for television. Seriously, how many ideas are successful in all three formats?

I’ll be the first to admit that I was a Friday Night Lights doubter from day one. I didn’t enjoy the movie when I originally saw it in theaters (I liked it a lot better the 2nd time, but probably because of the TV show connections), sports related TV shows never work, and after watching five minutes of an early episode it just came across as the most overdramatized show in the history of television with all the last second finishes, etc. One of my college roommates was a big fan from the get go and I used to rip on him all the time for it (my apologies Kess).

However, throughout the course of the next few years I heard more and more positive reviews and decided to give the show a try mainly because I could watch the first two seasons online thanks to my Netflix account. It didn’t take long for me to get hooked. I soon started DVR’ing the new episodes and I watched all the way through the series finale.

Friday Night Lights probably won’t go down as one of the best television shows in history (it finally picked up an Emmy nomination for Best Drama Series), but I think it was wildly underrated and underappreciated.

Here are a handful of reasons why I think the show worked:

1.) It wasn’t about football- If you only watched the previews you would think that the show was mainly about a football team and their games every week, but in reality the football itself was largely secondary. In most episodes football scenes were limited to 5-6 minutes at max. The show was really about the football loving town of Dillon, Texas and the Taylor family’s participation in it. It was about relationships, growing up, getting back on the right track, learning through failure, worrying about your future, and family.

For example, the coach/quarterback relationship was amplified because the quarterback dated the coach’s daughter. Things like that made the plot more about real life as opposed to just football.

2.) There were likeable, flawed characters-

Eric Taylor- One of the reasons I decided to give the show a try (aside from the added level of convenience provided by Netflix) was because of Kyle Chandler, who played the main character and head football coach Eric Taylor. I have enjoyed Taylor’s work ever since he played the lead character, Gary Hobson, on CBS’ Early Edition. That was one of the first night time dramas that I ever watched. On the show Chandler’s character ran a bar in Chicago and got tomorrow’s newspaper today, so he would spend most of his time helping people avoid tragedies, etc.

On Friday Night Lights Chandler was the young, upstart coach who was considered an offensive mastermind (another reason I took to his character). He also served as the moral majority for his family, his football players, and sometimes even the town. He always knew what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. That said, he was nothing without his wife, Tami.

Tami Taylor- Connie Britton, who played Michael J. Fox’s initial love interest on Spin City before Heather Locklear showed up, was one of the few carry overs from the movie (the man who played Buddy Garrity is another). She played opposite Billy Bob Thornton in the film, but her chemistry with Chandler was off the charts. On the show she played a guidance counselor turned principal turned back to guidance counselor and she largely served those roles outside of her job. Tami Taylor was always helping kids get in college, work through problems at home, and she said “Ya’ll” about 4463837 times per episode. She was also sneaky hot. Her tangible connection with her husband drove the show. The way they made things work from problem to problem and hurdle to hurdle is probably one of the biggest takeaways from the show.

Tim Riggins

I would argue that Tim Riggins, played by Taylor Kitsch, is one of the greatest most well liked television characters of all time. Female viewers loved him because he’s a stud and male viewers loved him for his I don’t give a fuck attitude. He essentially just boozed his face off, dominated football games, and hooked up with any girl that he wanted to. He was also loyal to a fault, down to earth, and respectful. What I loved most about Riggins is that he referred to others by the number that they wore in football (“Last game 7.” “Seven’s back in town?”) and everytime he was at a party he said something to the effect of, “Let’s make some memories.” Let me be the first (probably not the first) and certainly not the last to say that it’s going to be very odd to see him play any other role in the future.

3.) Hot chicks- You can’t go wrong with eye candy and Friday Night Lights certainly didn’t disappoint. Aimee Teegarden, Adrianne Palicki, and Minka Kelly made the show a whole lot more aesthetically pleasing to watch.

4.) Theme music- If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1000 times. Friday Night Lights had the best opening theme song of any television show that I’ve ever seen. Basically the show would just start with a scene or two for 4-5 minutes, a level of drama would build, and then boom. Opening music. It got me every time.

5.) Not afraid to usher in a new class- Television shows about highschool always fall into the same trap. If they are successful, and that’s a big if, they go out of their way to avoid the logical progression of time. If the main characters are juniors in high school in Season 1 they should be in college by Season 3. Most shows don’t do this though because by Season 3 their stars are recognizable and have contributed significantly to the success of the show. They feel compelled to keep them around as long as possible because starting over is an incredibly leap of faith not to mention virtually unheard of.

The core group of characters on Friday Night Lights began Season 1 as sophomores in highschool. Season 4 began with a new core group of young actors and they gradually faded the old characters out of the plot. By sticking to a feasible timeline Friday Night Lights earned some major bonus points in my eyes. It should be noted that I think they were able to do this because, like I’ve said, the relationship between Eric and Tami Taylor is what drove the show.

While those points all contributed to the show’s success there must be a reason why the show was cancelled. What led to Friday Night Lights’ downfall?

1.) To be blunt, nobody watched. I think NBC made a big mistake by feeling obligated to air the show on Friday nights just because of the show’s name. No one, with a life, watches television on Friday nights. In that respect, this show was almost set up to fail from the get go. I would contend that if the show aired on Tuesday or Wednesday it would almost certainly be preparing for Season 6.

2.) The show was incredibly dramatic. If you were a fan of the show you almost took it with a grain of salt. You knew going into it that certain plot lines, game highlights, etc. would be wayyy over the top, but the good far outweighed the bad. That said, I think the Dillon Panthers and West Dillon Lions combined for about 32 last second wins over the course of 5 seasons.

3.) Some of the plot lines were just brutal. For example: Landry and Tyra killing that guy in Season 2. Jason Street trying to become an agent, flip houses, etc.

ESPYs Recap

2011-07-14T21:20:00.010-04:00

Every year my buddy Frank over at The Pop Culture Initiative live blogs all of the major awards shows like The Emmys and The Oscars on Facebook (He also does it for the MTV Video Music Awards, but don't hold it against him). Now I'll admit that Frank knows more than I do about movies, television, and whatever the VMA's give out awards for nowadays (I usually contribute a few dumb comments to his award show blogs), but there's no question that I know a lot more about sports, so I figured it was only right that I live blogged (well retro diaried, I guess) the ESPYs, which, in case you missed them, aired last night. ESPN will probably re-run them 10-15 times in the next week, so if this post makes you want to see them (it shouldn't) you can catch up.

It should be noted that the very concept of the ESPYs is patently absurd because athletes don't play their respective sports to win ESPYs. They play to win championships and awards handed out by their leagues. The Oscars make sense because there is no championship for actors to play for. But I digress...

Sadly I missed much of the two hour red carpet show as I was eating dinner, watching The O'Reilly Factor, etc, so below are my thoughts as I watched (sparingly from 8:34 to 9 and then from 9 straight through until 11:30)the 19th annual ESPY Awards.

8:34- Erin Andrews interviewing Kevin Love and Blake Griffin. When she asks Blake what kind of dunk he wants to see Love do next year he promptly responds by saying, “I’m not entirely convinced that he can dunk.” Awesome.

8:53- Sweet Jesus. Jenn Brown looking amazing. Now I know why I got a text from my buddy Crib asking who the smoke was that was interviewing Cam Newton. Clearly he doesn’t read The Shampoo Effect or else he would have known all about Jenn Brown months ago.

8:54- Michelle Beadle tosses to Erin Andrews. Did anyone else feel the tension?

9:00- Steve Urkel version 2.0 is the front man of the ESPY’s house band.

9:02- I might vomit every time I see the DeSean Jackson punt return. And every time I see Shaun White.

9:04- Does anyone care about Zenyatta? I honestly don’t even know what the story is. Wake me up when she’s glue.

9:06- It’s opening monologue time. Also known as the only part of award shows worth watching. Show me something here Seth Myers.

9:13- I haven’t laughed yet

9:14- Amare Stoudemire looking as hood as ever.

9:17- A Barry Bonds joke falls flat. Seth Meyers, “Think about it, though.”

9:18- Tweet from @TheBillWalton- “Organizers of the ESPYs thought they had a bomb scare on their hands. Then they realized it was Seth Meyers’ opening act. #iamappalled”

9:19- Welcome to the ESPY’s. Meyers got me with this, “David Beckham had a baby with wife Victoria…8 pounds, 9 ounces…No word on what the baby weighed yet”

9:21- We almost got through the monologue without a Favre reference, but it wouldn’t be the ESPYs without one, right? I guess when you text photos of your dick you’re an easy target.

9:22- Jimmie Johnson and Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan from Entourage) to present the award for Best Breakthrough Athlete. Chriqui is perhaps the best example of a celebrity who’s known almost strictly as their character’s name. Seriously, how many people actually know her name? Other people in that category…

Kenny Powers (Danny McBride)
Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall)
House (Hugh Laurie)
Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell)
Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)

9:24- Blake Griffin wins and makes it official by saying, “Thank you Sloan,” as he accepts the award. In case anyone cares, Jose Bautista got hosed. With fans voting for the winners the ESPYs are more predictable than almost any award show going.

9:31- How does someone put up a graphic for Brooklyn Decker when the person on the screen isn’t Brooklyn Decker? How does this happen? She’s one of, if not the most, recognizable supermodels in the world.

9:34- Seth Myers announces that they've re-opened the Best Play category to include Abby Wambach’s goal against Brazil on Sunday, but somehow Serena Williams is nominated for Best Championship Performace for winning Wimbledon in 2010? She didn’t even make it to the quarterfinals this year. I guess you have to bend the rules to make the 175th ranked tennis player seem relevant.

9:43- Wait, Zenyatta is nominated for Best Upset for coming in second in a race? I’m so confused.

9:44- VCU wins Best Upset for knocking out #1 seed Kansas on the way to the Final Four. It’s the second year in a row that Kansas losing in the NCAA Tournament has led to a Best Upset nominee. Can we give Bill Self something for this?

9:55- Shaka Smart shows once again that he’s a class act. He just says all of the right things in front of the camera. His exit from VCU is imminent.

9:49- Urkel is back for Round 2. Nobody cares. Can we just play the Jimmy V speech already?

9:51- A parody of the Vancouver kissing couple with the dude from The League is painfully horrendous. His career peaked as a commentator for I Love the 90’s Part Deux.

9:55- Who writes the back and forths between presenters? When people try too hard to be funny it never is. Keep it simple. Even Justin Timberlake's piece was awful.

9:57- The Jimmer wins Best College Athlete and promptly hugs his smokehouse cheerleader girlfriend…who he’s never had sex with...

10:07- Matthew McConaughey doing a voice over for a black boxer who was wrongfully imprisoned. Was Morgan Freeman not available?

10:19- The Dewey Bozella story may be the takeaway of the night, especially the Cus Amato quote he dropped, “The hero and the coward both feel the same thing, but the hero uses his fear, projects it onto his opponent, while the coward runs. It's the same thing, fear, but it's what you do with it that matters.”

10:20- Butttt he went on to start his next sentence like this, “Everyday I axed myself…” Now unless this was a euphemism for cranking it (he was in jail for 30 years) I can’t let it slide. Why can’t black people say this word correctly?

10:26- Another Kenny Powers K-Swiss commercial. It looks like a good marketing campaign…until they incorporated Matt Cassel. I realize that K-Swiss is trying their best to sign athletes and they need to start with low level stars like Cassel, but come on. No one knows who he is.

10:29- Can we get a “Best Celebration” category next year just so Aaron Rodgers’ belt can take home some much deserved hardware? Other nominees: Jason Terry’s jet imitation, Kobe/Jeter’s fist, the Bruins bar tab, etc.

10:31- Where am I? What year is it? Dirk Nowitzki has an attractive black girlfriend? I assume she’s a Mavericks cheerleader?

10:34- Brooklyn Decker out to present Best Female athlete and boy did she bring it tonight

10:34- But I’m still a Marisa Miller guy

(photo from 2009 ESPYs)

10:35- Lindsay Vonn wins Best Female Athlete for the 2nd straight year and I can’t figure it out. She won a gold medal in the Olympics in 2010 and won Best Female Athlete in 2010. That’s good by me, but now she wins Best Female Athlete again in 2011? Can anyone tell me what she did this year? This is why female sports are a joke.

10:36- Vonn compounds the travesty by asking Justin Bieber to take a picture with her for her Facebook page. What he’s doing at the ESPYs I’ll never know. As my buddy Anthony wrote on Facebook earlier, “PLEASE tell me what the hell that little douche, Justin Bieber, has to with sports and has been on the espys longer than any athlete? He said he played soccer and basketball in grade school, I guess it makes sense to me now.” The kid does have a nice flow though.

10:37- In semi-related news Scott Van Pelt, SportsCenter staple and ESPN Radio host, has never been invited to the ESPYs. In fact, he tweeted earlier, “Guess my ESPY invite got lost in the mail again. Only 11 years in a row that’s happened. I need to print more clearly when giving address”

10:39- Serena Williams just broke the internet because her tits were popping out, but I think this picture is more impressive. Those curves defy the laws of physics.

10:48- Who had Jonah Hill being the first to curse at the ESPYs? Actually, better question. Who had Jonah Hill at the ESPYs?

10:52- Puhhhhhyahhhhhh…Puhhhhyahhh…The Eagles win Best Game for their Week 15 comeback against the Giants. Does anyone know how to spell vomit sounds?

11:01- The Anthony Robles story is amazing. If you missed it, it’s worth checking out. The kid has a million dollar smile and the best attitude on life ever. He really embodies Jimmy V’s message of never giving up.

11:13- 3 of the 5 nominees for Best Play are soccer? Beast mode should definitely win this award, but the fix is clearly in for the Abby Wambach goal.

11:14- A Scarlett Johanssen look-a-like butchers the pronunciation of Abby Wambach’s name.

11:22- I gotta be honest. I didn’t hate the Bieber/Danica shtick.

11:24- The Best Team nominees are revealed. What team doesn’t belong? Green Bay Packers, Dallas Mavericks, San Francisco Giants, Texas A&M women’s basketball team, Boston Bruins. I swear, the concerted effort to incorporate and promote female sports at the ESPYs couldn’t be more apparent.

11:25- The Dallas Mavericks win Best Team thanks largely to the “Fuck LeBron” vote.

11:26- Seth Myers sneaks in what sounds like a forced plug for the US Women's World Cup Final on Sunday.

11:27- Urkel’s band plays us out. What does it mean “to play us out?”

11:28- What happened to airing Jimmy V’s speech?

Hoping For an Answer

2011-07-13T17:37:00.008-04:00

I’ll be totally honest with you. I’ve been absolutely captivated by the Women’s World Cup matches that involve the US National Team. The last 2 of them anyway. PS- I wouldn’t be caught dead watching the other matches. Maybe it’s because I’m a naïve soccer fan, but it seems like the difference between the men’s and women’s game is negligible. Again, I could be way off on that. For example, if a hardcore soccer fan said that the NBA and WNBA were similar I’d lose it. Either way, the product has been great, again specifically in the last two matches, because there has been this great sense of urgency. It’s win or go home and if you lose you don’t have another chance to get to where you were for 4 years.

Last Friday we were told that we had to discuss the Women’s World Cup at some point during the talk show that I was working on and the immediate reaction was, “Come onnn. Really? Why? No one cares.” That said, I was tasked with doing a little bit of research so that our host didn’t look like an idiot when we talked to a guy who is over in Germany following the team. So I dug up some info (the US loss to Sweden was their first ever loss in the group stage at the Women’s World Cup, Brazil beat the US team 4-0 in the 2007 semifinals and they have a girl on their squad named Marta who is thought to be the best in the world, etc.), thought up some questions, and went on with my day. So when I turned on my TV on Sunday and saw Bob Ley, Brandi Chastain, Mia Hamm, etc. previewing the match I stuck around and watched because I had invested a little bit of my time in learning about the event. I watched the entire match and boy am I glad that I did. The drama, momentum shifts, national pride, urgency, and late game heroics were enough to give me goosebumps. I almost didn’t believe it at the time, but that match was undoubtedly the story of the weekend which is saying something because arguably the most popular baseball player of all-time reached a legendary milestone 24 hours earlier.

Let the record show that if I ever had to take a penalty kick I’d either put the ball in the 27th row or fall over trying to kick the ball. Hell, I get real nervous taking penalty kicks in FIFA against my friends.

Now that the US Women’s team has beaten France and advanced to the finals I have a serious question for what I have to believe is my constantly diminishing female audience. When girls watch sports are they constantly checking out the guys on the field/court as opposed to actually watching and enjoying the game? I mean, I realize that girls, for the most part, don’t exactly know all of the rules to sports, but they still watch. This must be the reason why, right? If my female readers could respond via comment, text, email, etc. that would be greatly appreciated as I am genuinely curious.

I almost feel a little dumb for having never thought of it before, but the reverse situation has happened to me both today and on Sunday. My thoughts while watching the US Women’s National Team play go something like this…Wow, she could get it. Damn, she’s fast. We can’t lose to France/Brazil. Nice legs. Look at those eyes. She looks like a lesbian. Good pass. She’s a babe. That’s a huge bitch. I mean, if I had to put a percentage on it I'd say that 50% of me has watched as a male checking out good looking, athletic, American women, 25% of me has watched as an American rooting for the US National Team, 15% of me has watched as someone that works in sports talk radio, and 10% of has watched as someone who legitimately enjoys watching sports.

I think it’s only fair, especially with the World Cup Finals only a few days away, to rank the 5 hottest women on the US National Soccer Team.

5.) Ali Krieger

Krieger, who my cousin Colin has dibs on, scored the game winning penalty kick against Brazil and is the definition of sporty hot.

4.) Hope Solo

One of three players on the team with a pornstar name (Shannon Boxx, Stephanie Cox). Hope draws you in with those inviting eyes and to be honest I feel like she tries really hard to be attractive. She looks good with a pony tail, but not so good with her hair down. She gets the most pub because she’s the face of the team, but I think she’s still a little overrated. I also think she’d kick my ass, which could be a good thing.

3.) Carli Lloyd

Carli, who I can’t get enough of, turns 29 on Saturday and patrols the midfield for the US. She takes most of the free kicks and appears to be one of the team leaders. She’s very cute and has great (soccer) legs.

2.) Heather Mitts

I don’t think she’s seen the field in the World Cup, but I stumbled across her in compiling this list. She’s one of the older players on the roster and definitely one of the best looking. If she played a little more she’d probably be #1.

1.) Alex Morgan

I don’t there’s any debate that 22-year-old is the hottest member of the team. She is also a dynamic forward who popped her World Cup cherry with a goal against France today.

Honorable mention: Tobin Heath, Amy Rodriguez, and Lauren Cheney (only because she dates Philadelphia 76ers PG Jrue Holiday)

Back to Basics

2011-07-06T18:55:00.005-04:00

Recently a friend of the blog suggested that I write something everyday. Now obviously 1.)she's clearly a big fan of my work and 2.) I don't have that kind of time, but if I did the posts would be very quick. I'm thinking that I might try it out for a month in the near future and see how it goess. We'll see. Either way, I tell you this because this might be my shortest blog post of all time. Think of it as a preview of what The Shampoo Effect will be almost everyday if I decide to make the leap from weekly to daily blogger (A huge step in the blogging game. For you drug enthusiasts out there, it's like going from weed to coke). Of course I would still provide a more in depth post roughly once a week, but that's neither here nor there.

As loyal readers will remember I have two daily calendars. One is a Jeopardy! calendar which helps wake up my mind everyday and the other is titled, "Do You Know Your Poo?" which puts my mind right back where it should be.

Wednesday July, 6th

The world'd longest documented human poo measured 26 feet and was produced by Michelle Hines in 2005 (so much for the notion that girls don't poop). Hines worked with a team of nutrionists and used a special plug the week before launch of this feat to prevent premature evacuation. The resulting poo was the same length as her entire colon and is almost an inch longer than the longest surviving poo.

Read On

2011-06-30T23:53:00.018-04:00

Rarely do I give reading advice or flat out recommend books (I’m not Oprah), but today is your lucky day. Recently I was asked what the best book I have ever read is by my cousin and friend of the blog Kate. To be quite honest, I didn’t know what to say. Although I arrogantly boycotted summer reading in high school I’ve actually read quite a few books in my day. True fans of the blog will know that I am part of a two person book club with my buddy Kyle Korver, who it should be known recently asked to have his name changed to JJ Barea. I wouldn’t say that I’m “well read” (I assume you’ve all heard this term), but I’m better read (not sure if this works) than most people my age despite taking a 10 year hiatus from reading books written by women. How I was unable to answer what seems like such a simple question baffled me.

As I took time to reflect (a grand total of about 10 minutes when I realized that it was the last day in June and I only had a few more hours to post something in order to maintain my 4 posts a month strategy), I realized that I don’t even have any rhyme or reason to how I select books to read. FYI- My cousin Kate reads books that are in the process of becoming movies or TV shows because 1.) If they are making a movie about it the book must be halfway decent and 2.) Books like this (Twilight, My Sister’s Keeper, and The Hunger Games which has been adapted to Game of Thrones on HBO to name a few) often become very popular and if she’s read the book she has a good understanding of why, what the plot is, etc. I usually just browse the Social Sciences or Cultural Studies sections online or at my local Barnes & Noble and hope something catches my eye. When that well runs dry (doesn’t take much) I get into specific genres. I’ll read humor books for a few months, then classics for a few months, followed by a bunch of stunt non-fiction books for a few months.

I also essentially only read before I go to sleep, so I don’t exactly speed through books unless they are absolutely riveting. And unlike movies I no longer feel compelled to plow through an entire book if it doesn’t keep me interested (I’m looking at you Catch-22). So basically I have limited time to read and I occasionally stop reading books altogether. Maybe this was why I couldn’t easily think of the best book I’ve ever read? Or maybe my strict screening process should have led me to an answer more quickly?

Either way, I took the time to craft a list of the top 12 books that I’ve ever read, or so I think. Why 12? Well if I ever do start a book club (0 chance this ever happens) I’d need to at least be able to pick a book for each month of the year. Because that’s how many I thought of.

(in no particular order)

Freakonomics (2005) by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner

I’m pretty sure there have been about 736363 adaptations and re-releases, but I read the original back in 2006 and it was right up my alley. The authors use data to present ideas that seem counterintuitive. For example, more children die each year from backyard pools than having guns in the home, but parents freeeakkk out about guns in the house. Also there’s an entire chapter on the economics of drug dealing with is simply fascinating.

Moneyball (2003) by Michael Lewis

There have been plenty of great baseball books written, but I’m fairly certain that this one is the best. Now it doesn’t deal with the history or prestige of America’s pastime. Rather it looks at how a small market team, the Oakland Athletics, used advanced metrics to compete against teams that had payrolls 5 times the size of theirs. This book is so influential that I just read, I believe in the ESPN book, that business school students at a well renowned university are required to read it. Fun fact- the book is being made into a movie with Brad Pitt playing the lead role of A’s GM Billy Beane.

Prisoner of Trebekistan (2006) by Bob Harris

Obviously this one is for fans of Jeopardy! The book follows the author’s experience with America’s favorite game show from his days as a child to his days as a contestant (they brought him back for many, many tournaments). My favorite part was how he explained how he studied for his first appearance and that he basically just hoped he got the Daily Doubles and bet big because they are relatively easy.

On the Road (1957) by Jack Kerouac

I really enjoyed On the Road for a few reasons. First, Kerouac wrote it in 3 weeks. It’s hardly edited at all. He just wrote. He was able to do this because it’s largely autobiographical (the names were changed). I also love it because he really captures the spirit of the this growing faction of young Americans that set the stage for the 60s counter culture. They called themselves the Beat generation, or the Lost generation, and were basically a group of incredibly intelligent people who rejected the status quo of society and decided to do want they wanted to do, almost in an epicurean/hedonistic way.

The Count of Monte Cristo (1845) by Alexandre Dumas

Clearly one of my favorites from my classics stage. This novel is one of the best revenge stories ever told. It’s really long, but it’s entertaining all the way through because the suspense of the revenge continues to mount. I lost a lot of sleep reading this book well into the night. I think I’d argue that this book is the greatest thing that has ever come out of the country of France.

Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas (2006) by Chuck Klosterman

I’ve written about this book for 3 months straight now. It’s a collection of Klosterman’s previous articles, so you can open it up to the middle of the book and not miss anything (similar to Malcolm Gladwell’s What the Dog Saw- more on him in a minute), and he has a bunch of interesting hypothetical questions mixed in in-between chapters. Just read it already.

The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference (2000) by Malcolm Gladwell

Gladwell’s writing is very easy to read and at the same time fascinating. The way he sees the world is uncanny. In this particular social science work (my favorite of his) he explains why and how trends, disasters, etc. happen. My favorite point made in the book is the strategy implemented to reduce the crime rate in NYC in the early 90’s ; The Broken Windows Theory. Basically what it means is that if there are broken windows in a building the likelihood of more being broken is high, but if there are no windows broken the less likely someone is to break the first one. The police force implemented this theory by removing all of the graffiti from their subway cars and in their subway stations. Also instead of letting small crimes go, the NYPD cracked down on small crimes like turnbuckle hopping at the subway and ended up catching many people who had outstanding warrants for more serious crimes.

The Kite Runner (2003) by Khaled Hosseini

I’m usually no fan of fiction, but I completely forgot that this book was not a true story until after I was done with it. The writing is incredibly poignant and emotional. I was literally fighting back tears at some points. I will leave it at that. Big thanks to friend of the blog Jaclyn for imploring me to read this incredible book over a year ago.

The Brothers Karamazov (1880) by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I’ll be honest, the first time I tried to read this book I read the first 60 pages and couldn’t get any further. There are a lot of Russian names and it’s hard to figure out who’s who and what’s going on. A year or two later I picked it up and read it from cover to cover. My oldest brother told me that it was one of the best books that he’s ever read and it didn’t disappoint. The book centers around ethics, morals, and faith. In fact, the book has one chapter that’s often regarded as the best proof that God does not exist as well as another chapter that’s often regarded as the best proof that God does exist.

The Happiness Project (2010) by Gretchen Rubin

I’ve written about this book plenty, but in case you are unfamiliar with it this woman spent a year of her life (yes, it’s a stunt non-fiction book) trying to become happier. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy before it’s just that she thought she could be happier. Each month she focused on a different area of her life (cleaned out her old stuff, got in touch with old friends, worked out more, worked more, etc.) and became a better version of herself. I thought it was very refreshing to know that a re-dedication could make just about anyone feel a whole lot better about themselves.

Tuesday’s with Morrie (1997) by Mitch Albom

I’ve always liked Mitch Albom because I’ve watched him for years on The Sports Reporters on Sunday mornings. The book centers around Albom’s relationship with one of his former college professors who is dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS). The two re-connect after a long hiatus and tackle all of life’s most important questions.

Poop Culture (2007) by Dave Praeger

The first words I ever wrote on this blog were “poop is the great equalizer” and that was gleaned from a story from this book. I’m not kidding when I say that this book was very interesting. It gave a brief history of poop (not too expansive where it was boring) and showed how it’s looked at by modern society.

Pull the Trigger

2011-06-22T12:31:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow night is the NBA Draft and I for one cannot wait. Everyone (ESPN Analysts) is saying how it’s a weak draft class (no way it’s weaker than ’00), but I’m still excited either way. Not only do the Knicks have a first round pick, but for as long as I can remember I have circled the night of the draft on my calendar (not actually, but if I had a desk calendar and I want one I would). The same goes for the NFL Draft. I used to watch all 7 hours of the first day and write down the first round picks on the same pad of paper year in and year out (I still have it, too). I make no excuses for being a sports junkie. It’s who I am. In fact, drafts are what make fantasy sports so appealing to me. For a few hours you get the sense, albeit a fleeting one, that you’re the general manager of a sports franchise. The only person I know who is more obsessed with drafts than me is my buddy Alex who had me and another friend doing fantasy drafts of all sorts in the middle of CAPS (Current Affairs/Public Speaking) class back in high school.

There are plenty of intriguing storylines in this year’s NBA Draft, as usual, but the one that I find most intriguing is the trade that isn’t going to happen between the Lakers (a top tier, veteran team) and Timberwolves (a super young team that had the worst record in the league this year). The proposed deal that’s been reported has the Lakers sending 4-time All-Star forward Pau Gasol to the Timberwolves for 1-time All-Star forward Kevin Love and the #2 overall pick. Gasol, arguably the best Spanish player of all time, will turn 31 in a few weeks whereas Love will turn 23 in September. When people first caught wind of the proposed deal they (NBA analysts, fans) thought that the Lakers would be getting the better end of the deal.

Love, who played his college ball (for one year) in LA at UCLA, is a rising star who led the league in rebounding, can shoot it from distance, and is a great (outlet) passer. NBA analysts and fans have been clamoring for him to get out of Minnesota because they feel like his talents are wasted there.

Gasol has been receiving some heat for disappearing (not quite as bad as LeBron in the 4th quarter) in the playoffs. The career 18 and 9 performer only scored 13 points and grabbed 7 rebounds per game in the postseason this year. Gasol also (fairly) took the fall for the Lakers losing in the 2008 NBA Finals for being too soft against the Celtics.

Then with the #2 overall pick people suspect that the Lakers would take Arizona forward Derrick Williams, who is big enough to play on the block (6’9), but probably more suited for the wing.

When I first heard about this proposed deal I thought that the Lakers shouldn’t do it. If they did, though, I thought they should take Kentucky point guard Brandon Knight with the #2 pick because with apologies to Derek Fisher and Steve Blake the Lakers don’t have a point guard and it’s becoming a point guard league. Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak is in a tough spot because the deal makes a lot of sense for the organization’s long term future because they’d be infusing the team with some high caliber young talent, but would it be enough to win the title right away? I say no and that’s a big problem because Kobe Bryant is in win now mode. He only has 2-3 superstar years left (and you know he wants 1-2 more rings to tie or pass MJ) and that’s probably how long it would take to develop Derrick Williams or Brandon Knight enough to make a serious run at the title. In my opinion, the Lakers can’t win the title without Pau Gasol. Yes, he was soft in 2008. Yes, he didn’t show up for the playoffs this year. That said, I think he’s wildly underrated. The Lakers won the NBA Finals in 2009 and 2010 mainly because of Pau. He carried the offensive load when Kobe didn’t have it going. I like Kevin Love a lot, but he’s 1/10 the offensive player that Pau is.

The Timberwolves have basically said that there’s no way that they are going to make this deal because they want to keep Kevin Love. I understand that they want to keep the rising star that’s become the face of their franchise, but there’s a reason that they have been actively shopping the #2 overall pick. The Timberwolves are incredibly young. The average age of their roster this season was 24 and they had only one player who was 30 (Luke Ridnour).

The biggest offseason news for the Timberwolves was that the prize of their 2009 Draft (they drafted 3 point guards in the first round) Ricky Rubio, a 20 year old Spanish point guard, is finally coming over to America to play in the NBA. They are basically giving him the keys to the franchise.

Now let me ask you this. What makes more sense if you wanted to get a 20-year-old Spaniard acclimated to the NBA as quickly as possible?

To use the #2 overall pick to draft the 20-year old Derrick Williams and have your roster look like this.

PG- Ricky Rubio (20)
SG- Wesley Johnson (23)
SF- Michael Beasley (22)
PF- Kevin Love (23)
C- Darko Milicic (26)
Bench- Derrick Williams (20)
Bench- Anthony Randolph (21)
Bench- Martell Webster (26)
Bench- Jonny Flynn (22)

Or

To trade Love and the #2 pick to bring in a veteran All-Star (who has championship experience), Spaniard in Pau Gasol that Rubio has played with on the Spanish national team?

I guess my point is this. If I’m Minnesota I make that trade in a heartbeat, especially so that Rubio feels comfortable. Adding Derrick Williams just makes them a team of young kids that are going to get sick and tired of losing. Gasol gives them credibility and makes them a lotttt more competive as their primary scorer.

Now I do have to quickly mention the Knicks draft outlook. The general thought is that they need a point guard (because no one thinks Toney Douglas is the guy) to back up Chauncey Billups or some depth in the front court because they have limited size. They currently sit at #17 and of the players that people expect to still be on the board the following is my wish list.

1.) Kenneth Faried, Morehead State- He’s only 6’8, but he’s an absolute savage on the boards, which is something the Knicks desperately need.

2.) Markieff Morris, Kentucky- He has size (6’9, 241) and he can score. I’m not sure how much he’d contribute right away, but I think size is the Knicks biggest need.

3.) Jeremy Tyler- This is the kid that left high school early to play in Italy. He’s obviously a huge upside pick and the Knicks don’t exactly have the time (or patience) to develop him, but 6’11 with potential is intriguing.

4.) Josh Selby, Kansas- He’s a score first guard that could thrive in D’Antoni’s system, but he’s immature and who knows how much longer D’Antoni has.

5.) Marshon Brooks, Providence- One of the best scorers in the draft. The Knicks play 0 defense, so why not just draft the player with the most upside offensively.

Realpolitik

2011-06-15T18:31:00.006-04:00

What you probably know about me is that sports are my passion. I live, work, eat, and breathe sports on a daily basis. I’m so immersed in the world of sports that it’s hard for me to remove myself sometimes. What you also probably know about me is that one of my hobbies is writing. For some reason (the desire to have a voice and matter, a way to vent, an avenue to boost my ego) I tend to gravitate to the written word in order to fill some void in my life. It’s usually a stressful process, but I tend to greatly enjoy the end product, so I keep doing it. What you probably don’t know about me (actually I’m willing to bet that more than half of you do know) is that one of my other interests in politics. In fact, I minored in politics in college. For the most part I find political discussions, ideologies, etc. to be fascinating. In fact, as much as I love sports if there was a political issue that I really cared about (right now there isn’t) I would probably be working to support it in some capacity because I think politics (as fickle as they seem at times) are much more important than sports.

Now this probably won’t come as much of a surprise, but my father is a politician, albeit a local one (a county legislator). He is a Democrat, but perhaps the most conservative one that you are going to meet. In fact, in most years (he runs for re-election every other year) he runs on the Conservative ticket as well. Speaking of which, when I turned 18 my father had me register with the Independence Party, so that I could go door to door with him and witness other members of the party sign petitions for him. The Independence Party, to my knowledge only exists in 3 states (New York, Minnesota, and Alaska), but it’s really quite brilliant. It was formed, in New York anyway, by a guy named Tom Golisano who ran for governor a handful of times and lost. The Independence Party is brilliant because a lot of people don’t want to affiliate themselves with the Democratic Party or the Republican Party. They want to be Independents. However they aren’t exactly the brightest and thinking that they are avoiding party affiliation they sign up for the Independence Party.

I can’t tell you what the Independence Party stood for, but when I moved to Connecticut I registered as an Independent. If I had to characterize my political views I would say that I’m a moderate that leans a little left (just like something else-kidding). I get my political news mainly from television. I regularly watch The O’Reilly Factor, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and The Colbert Report and I occasionally watch Fox News Sunday with Christopher Wallace and Real Time with Bill Maher. These programs undoubtedly help shape my political views, but three of them are comedies and Bill Maher is a crazy liberal, so it’s hard to take much of what he says seriously. His show is still watchable though because it’s funny and there’s usually a lively debate (plus it’s only on once a week so it’s easy to catch the re-runs). Hannity or Glenn Beck (when he was still on), on the other hand, are wayyy too conservative for me to handle. Everyone likes to say that they are a centrist and I feel a little weird in claiming that I am as well, but I do think that I’m pretty close. In fact, I just took this quiz (who knows how accurate it is) and my results show that I am a center-right social moderate.

For example, I believe whole heartedly in the free market, but I think that better regulation of the financial industry may have prevented the subprime mortgage fiasco. Furthermore I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but I don‘t have a fundamental problem with the notion of gay marriage. Philosophically I’m pro-life, but realistically I’m pro-choice. If this doesn’t make any sense to you (and it might look like a blatant contradiction) let me explain. In a vacuum I would be pro-life because abortion is fundamentally wrong. However we don’t live in a vacuum, so it doesn’t make sense to take a moral stance on the issue. Even if Roe v. Wade was overturned women all across the country would still want to have abortions. Many of these, for lack of a better term, black market abortions would be unsafe and perhaps lead to illnesses and deaths that abortion’s legality currently prevents.

As far as the current political landscape, let’s start with the Anthony Weiner scandal. So the guy sent pictures of his junk to females all around the country, but claims that he never had a physical relationship with any of them. That’s about as hard to believe as his dong was hard in the most famous picture from the scandal.

What’s sad is that his wife is now pregnant. Talk about awkward timing. Surprisingly though, that’s not the most awkward part. His wife is a former aide to Hilary Clinton, so in the aftermath of the scandal Weiner had to call Bill Clinton to apologize. Again, Weiner had to call Bill Clinton, the man involved in the most famous political sex scandal of all time, and apologize.

Well now everyone from Nancy Pelosi to Obama is calling for Weiner to resign (Obama said he would resign if he was in Weiner's position), but I sort of respect his defiance.

**Update** Weiner caved under the mounting pressure of the Democractic Party and resigned a day aftet this post was first published.

Did sexting with females all across the country make him a bad law maker? Not really. In fact, I would argue that it had no impact on his ability to legislate whatsoever. Everyone’s sexual interactions, thoughts, etc. are bound to stray from the idea of normal from time to time. I mean seriously, what percentage of politicians just have regular sex with their wives? I would argue that the number is less than 40%. These are men in positions of power. Now this is not meant to absolve the congressman. Where he runs into a problem is that he initially lied about it. As we’ve learned countless times the cover up is worse than the crime (I’m looking at you Nixon). It's too bad because Weiner probably would have been the next mayor of New York City just like Eliot Spitzer would have been the first Jewish President of the United States.

By the way, one of the best jokes about the scandal that I heard (via Kyle Korver) was from Conan O’Brien, who said something to the effect of, "Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." Well guess what? Weiner isn’t the only member of Congress who’s surname would also work in the porn industry:

Billy Long
Robert Hurt
Ron H. Johnson (huge?)
Bob Corker (it’s a stretch, but use your imagination)
Norman D. Dicks

In other political news we have Sarah Palin’s “look at me” bus tour. Palin deserves credit for being a galvanizing force in the Republican Party, but I find her to be almost unbearable. She is both incredibly thin-skinned and narcissistic. I don’t care that she botched the Paul Revere story, but to place blame on the media for a “gotcha” question and then to deny botching the story altogether is ridiculous. Would I ever vote for her? Yes, but only if she was running against a whacko like Nancy Pelosi.

Lastly, the other night was the second GOP Presidential Debate. Let me quickly give my impressions of the candidates.

Mitt Romney- he certainly looks the part, but he feels a little sleazy to me. Ipso facto he’s my favorite of the group.

Newt Gingrich- he was the most vehement towards Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, while he was having an affair at the same time. If this was 1996 he might have a chance.

Rick Santorum- he has no chance and even if he did he wouldn’t. Just google his last name. I’ll wait…Like I said, no chance.

Tim Pawlenty- seems like a nice guy, but maybe too nice. Ultimately he’s just bland and not exciting.

Michelle Bachmann- eat your heart out Palin. Personally I think Bachmann is a whacko, but she's also rather cunning, so I could see her being a VP candidate

Ron Paul- one of the craziest men in Congress. So crazy that sometimes he makes sense, but he’s still out of his mind. His basic message is, “Let’s have the most limited government imaginable.”

Herman Cain- a black guy? That won’t work. No, but seriously, the former CEO of Godfather Pizza has no chance.

Tennis Anyone?

2011-06-07T12:40:00.002-04:00

You probably don't know this about me, but the sport of tennis has always been a significant (maybe not the right word) part of my life. I grew up in a well to do neighborhood just east of downtown Syracuse called Sedgwick Farms. While the houses in the neighborhood were nice and the people were generally friendly, there were only two things that really gave Sedgwick Farms a sense of community. The first was each year on Christmas Eve virtually every house in the neighborhood (outside of the few Jewish people) would light luminaries (white bags with candles in them) and space them out along the street. Quite frankly, they were a hassle that somehow my brothers and I always had to deal with. The other was the Sedgwick Farms tennis club. The club consisted of a two story clubhouse with a dining room upstairs that I've been in once (for a graduation party) and at least 5 courts made of red clay. I still remember taking tennis lessons there as a kid because we were required to wear all white, could only wear a certain type of sneaker, and our instructor's name was Hanz. I can still remember exactly what my racket looked like. It was turquoise Prince racket with blue strings (you could see a P in the strings) and a purple grip.

As I continued to get older I developed a minor passion for the game. In my driveway I would play wall ball (I know that's a lacrosse term, but I think it applies here too) against my garage for hours at a time. I wasn't even deterred by the fact that I broke at least half of the windows on the garage and soon after the ball would routinely go through the holes and I'd have to open the garage door and search for the ball before I could keep playing.

I don't know what it was, but I eventually stopped playing (and when I say playing I mean playing against myself in my driveway) for a few years. Maybe it was because I spent more time playing baseball, or that I got into lacrosse, or that when I played a female family friend who is two years older than me in tennis I got absolutely smoked and my confidence was shot. Either way, I got back into tennis during my junior and senior years of high school because we used to play it in gym class.

Eventually I started playing a few of my friends on a pretty regular basis. One of which I consistently beat even though he was 6'4 and would eventually play 4 years of college football at an Ivy League school. I never lost to him, but the matches were competitive so it was fun. There was another friend of mine who went on to play 4 years of top tier college basketball and 1 year of college football who, for some reason or another, I could never beat. There was no doubt in my mind that I was the better tennis player, but he was definitely the better athlete and his will to win clearly outshined mine on numerous occasions. Our matches were always close (we played best of three sets), but he always came out on top. I specifically remember having a triple match point in the second set (I dominated the first set) and blowing not only that, but the third set as well. To this day I have never beaten him.

During my college years I played tennis in the summer against a few of my friends (one of whom has a tennis court in his backyard) and while on vacation against my dad. For 2-3 years I didn't lose, but my friend who has the court in his backyard kept on challenging me. Eventually he beat me and I can only remember playing a handful of times after that. I'm sure that I've played my dad while on vacation a few times, but the last time I specifically remember playing tennis was during my junior year of college against a girl I had a crush on.

While I wouldn't say that I was ever any good at tennis I did enjoy the sport. I even spent plenty of time watching it on television. For example, I watched the Andre Agassi (who I just emailed to see if he'll come on the radio)/James Blake 5 set thriller in the 2005 U.S. Open in its entirety. Lately I've watched plenty of my girl Caroline Wozniacki. And of course, I've seen plenty of Federer and Nadal. Now before I get more into their "rivalry" I first have to mention a quick word about the #3 ranked tennis player in the world; Novak Djokovic. If you don't know how to pronounce his name now you will in a second. While doing the highlights of a Djokovic match on SportsCenter a few months ago the most underrated anchor in the business Robert Flores said this…

So back to Federer/Nadal. If I asked you, "Who's the best tennis player in the world over the past 10 years?" I'm pretty sure that most of you, assuming you know something about tennis or that you've at least seen enough Gillette commercials, would say Roger Federer. Now you wouldn't exactly be wrong. Federer has won 16 grand slams (6 at Wimbledon), which is the most all time, but Rafael Nadal owns him in head to head matches. The two "rivals" have played 25 times. Nadal has won 17 of them. They've met in the finals of a grand slam 8 times. Nadal has won 6 of them.

Federer will turn 30 in August, which in tennis is worse than being a 35 year old running back in the NFL, whereas Nadal just turned 25 and won his 10^th grand slam in the past week.

All points considered, how can we say that Federer is the best tennis player of all time when his "rival" has dominated him in the course of their careers?

Here's what I think this is a case of. Once Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi retired tennis fans were looking for someone to carry the torch for the sport. They found their man in Federer and anointed him as the best player ever. Federer's elegance, composure, and championship pedigree fit the bill. Then after a few years of pure domination Nadal came along. He's quicker, faster, more agile, and more powerful than Federer. Based on the eye test alone it's clear that Nadal is the better player. Sure, some of that is the age difference, but people are still reluctant to admit it because they've already anointed Federer as "the best player of all time."

This is similar, again similar (not the exact same thing because there a few differences), to what's happened in the NBA. After Michael Jordan retired basketball fans were almost immediately searching for the second coming. Every time a talented shooting guard came up through the ranks people started making the comparison. Finally Kobe showed up and, fair or not, was anointed as the next Jordan. In fact, he tried so hard to be Jordan in the way that he spoke and played that people almost reluctantly said, "Ok, he's the next Michael." Kobe may not have fully lived up to the Jordan comparison, but he came as close as anyone ever has. After his 5^th championship people were starting to put the two in the same conversation. But now LeBron has shown up and is on the precipice of his first title. He hasn't exactly owned Kobe in head to head meetings like Nadal has owned Federer, but I think it would be foolish, even for a Kobe apologist like me, to not admit that LeBron is the more gifted player.

This Month in Pop

2011-05-31T12:31:00.009-04:00

As May comes to a close and 2011 continues to speed ahead at a record pace (this year is flying by), it's time to check in on the best pop culture that I consumed in the past 31 days.

Best TV Show I watched- The two part season finale of the Thursday night NBC show Community (5/5 and 5/12). I’ve probably said this about 5-6 different shows, but this might be the most underrated show on TV. It’s certainly the most unique. What I love about Community is that it’s the opposite of your typical comedy/sitcom. There is no formula that each episode generally follows. Community tries new things virtually every episode. It's completely unconventional. Sometimes they fall flat on their faces (the clamation Christmas episode), but other times they hit the ball out of the park and that’s what they did with this two part finale. Of all the shows that just had their finales Community’s was far and away the best.

I also enjoyed- The Tosh.O season premiere (5/17). I’ve definitely said this about 5-6 shows, but this time I really mean it. Tosh.O is the funniest show on TV. Sure there are a few lackluster shows every now and then, but most of the time it’s a non stop laughfest. In this episode Tosh showed a video where a shark farts a green gas, got punched in the face by Manny Pacquiao, and gave the "Chocolate Rain" guy Tay Zonday a web redemption.

Tosh.0
Tags: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

Best Movie I saw- I watched about 5-6 movies this month and none of them were that great. I guess the one that I enjoyed the most was Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer. Did you know the high priced escort that used this scandal to become quasi famous by posing for Playboy, Ashley Dupre, only had sex with Spitzer once?

There was a different call girl from the same company who was the former governor’s favorite. Apparently she now works in finance. Dupre, on the other hand, is now a sex columnist for the New York Post.

I didn’t go for- Never Let Me Go, which stars Carey Mulligan and my girl Keira Knightley, is based on a novel written by the famous Japanese-English author Kazuo Ishiguro (he also wrote The Remains of the Day which was adapted into an Academy Award nominated film) so I thought it would be good, but it was terrible. Seriously, don't waste your time.

Best Thing I heard- The crowd at Citizen’s Bank Park chanting U-S-A after they found out that Bin Laden had been killed. Phillie fans are often regarded as the worst in sports, but boy were they the best on Sunday, May 1st. I understand the counter argument where some people think that it was a little weird that we celebrated death, but the way that this chant started is just awesome. It wasn’t like the news of Bin Laden's death was flashed on the scoreboard. People just found out by checking their phones and telling the people around them. Then the crowd erupted into jubilant U-S-A chants that seemed to last for an hour. The best part is that the players didn’t even know what they were chanting for until someone in the dugout went into the clubhouse and turned on a TV.

Best Thing I read- I haven’t read any good books this month, so I will take this opportunity to point you in the direction of a website that was recommended to me earlier this month. It is called Bros Like This Site and it’s about 5 notches above me in terms of egomaniacal, misogynistic humor.

I want to read- The two person book club that I’m in with my buddy Kyle Korver decided on the following two books without as much as a discussion about it. We just happened to buy the same two books on our own volition.

1.) Those Guys Have All the Fun by James Andrew Miller

This book provides a look inside the world of ESPN. Apparently it’s a PR nightmare for ESPN because it has an assortment of embarrassing stories and rumors about ESPN personalities.

2.) The Captain by Ian O'Connor

I have long been a Yankee hater, but I’ve always respected Derek Jeter. In fact I dedicated an entire blog post to him back in January 2010. I think he’s a fascinating figure and I’m interested to a get a behind the scenes look at the face of the most successful franchise in sports.

Hypothetical Interrogatives

2011-05-24T19:29:00.005-04:00

As I recently perused the Cultural Studies section at my local Barnes & Noble (I go there quite a bit), I stumbled across what looked like a book on tape by my man Chuck Klosterman. As I took it off the shelf I realized that it was actually a deck of 50 cards each with a Klosterman hypothetical question on it.

After I enjoyed the hypotheticals that he posed in his book "Chuck Klosterman IV" I had to buy it. Unfortunately many of the hypotheticals from the book were included in the deck of 50 cards, but there were still plenty of intriguing questions raised.

I particularly enjoyed the preamble:

"Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as “idiots.” These are the kind of humans who can talk to a stranger for 40 minutes without learning anything essential about who that stranger is−they talk about the weather and about other people, and they mention what kind of car they drive and how old their children are. They have conversations in public that are ultimately no different than silence in an empty room.

I refuse to be that kind of person.

I refuse to make small talk. I refuse. I don’t care what the situation is or what the protocol is supposed to be: I see no value in asking someone a friendly, nonadversarial question if neither party cares what the answer is. Instead, I prefer to ask questions where the solution is irrelevant−I pose hypothetical questions where how one answers the query matters far more than the literal conclusion. There is no “right” answer to these kinds of questions. The end never matters; what matters is how you get to the end. What matters is how you think, not what you think.

If these questions seem absurd or boorish or juvenile−that’s totally fine. Don’t read them and don’t answer them. We don’t need to be friends. We are not the same. But if you want to find out who other people really are, these are the conversations you need to have. And you need to have them now."

As loyal Shampoo Effect readers will remember I, too, am annoyed by the mundane daily conversations about the weather, etc.

March 2009

As intrigued as I am by Klosterman's refusal to make small talk I don't think I am currently able to weave his hypotheticals into daily conversations, although I would certainly like to be.

Here are a few of Klosterman's hypotheticals that I found particularly interesting:

1.) Imagine the following three sensations.

-Chewing and swallowing the first mouthful of your favorite food after starving yourself for 48 straight hours. The food is prepared perfectly.

-Lying down on an especially cozy bed after 12 hours of nonstop physical labor on a cold day.

-The first moment of urinary release after having held a completely full bladder for more than 90 minutes.

For the rest of your life, you will feel one of these three ways, all the time. This is how you will always feel, 24 hours a day (you won’t be doing the specific activity, but you’ll always be experiencing the act’s accompanying euphoria).

Which one will you select?

My answer: While all three are incredible feelings I think I would choose the feeling of lying down on an especially cozy bed after 12 hours of nonstop physical labor on a cold day because I would want to live the rest of my life with that sense of relaxation running through my body. Quite frankly I don't think the other two translate nearly as well to daily life. They are more momentary senses of elation whereas the calm, comfortable feeling of lying on a cozy bed is applicable in real world scenarios.

2.) Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the President announces that he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front-page editor of the New York Times: What do you run as the biggest story?

My answer: My natural inclination, as a politics minor (no big deal), is that the story about the President is the most newsworthy and the most recent, but it definitely wouldn't be my choice. That's a developing story. Catching Bigfoot and Nessy is a one time thing (although details will obviously continue to come out as scientists do their thing). This decision would ultimately come down to which picture/headline combination was the best. I mean, I don't want to cop out and say that I'd put the pictures of the two beasts side by side and write a dual headline ("Captivating!", "Believe It Or Not!", or "Monster Catches"), even though that's what would make the most sense.

That said I'd go with Bigfoot because it happened in North America and our country has always been a little more fascinated with him than Nessy.

3.) You are presented with a strange challenge. Someone dares you to count backward from 300 to 0. If you succeed at this simple request, you will be given $25,000 in cash. However, if you misspeak, get any digit incorrect, or make any mistake whatsoever, you will immediately be doused with gasoline and burned alive.

Do you attempt this challenge?

My answer: NO WAY. I like my chances (I'd go real slow), but I think the pressure would get to me and I would stumble and burn alive. In a semi-related note, I often marvel at the ability of college basketball players to make clutch free throws late in games. I always say that I would either shoot the ball either 6 feet in front of me or into the 3rd row.

4.) Imagine your dream house (whatever that house may be.) Think of all the details you would like this home to possess, including furniture. You are suddenly given the opportunity to trade wherever you live now for this hypothetical home, and your mortgage will be whatever you currently pay now. The home will be in (roughly) the same location as your current residence. However, there is one odd caveat.

This “dream home” is buried two miles underground. When you look out of the windows all you will see is dirt. In order to enter the residence, you will have to take an elevator that travels down the two-mile shaft at high speed (it’s about a five-minute trip). The elevator is comfortable and there is a staff (located aboveground) that provides 24/7 maintenance on the elevator−if something breaks or goes wrong with the elevator, you will be rescued immediately.

Would you accept this underground dream home?

My answer: Yes, as long as the head of the elevator workers is named Alfred.

5.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But−somehow−this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though−you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

My answer: This one is tricky because you don't want to push the envelope too far and have everyone that you know suspect that you went Heidi Montag on them (although I wouldn't say that she looks better than she did). I've gone back and forth on this (between $20 and $200), but if $1 made this random person vaguely sexier than I think $50 would work wonders.

6.) At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat. When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

My answer: Yes, as long as I didn't wake up with wet sheets. I don't have too much to hide.

7.) For whatever reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile Columbia TriStar has produced a big budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all of your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be more interested in seeing?

My answer: I'd be much more interested in seeing the Columbia TriStar biopic. The documentary would be cool too, but I'd be more intrigued by the writing, liberties taken, and Hollywood actors playing my friends and family than by what people I know said about me on camera.

This does raise an interesting question that I often ask people to spice up conversations. If there was a movie based on your life, which actor/actress would you want to play you?

Here's a quick look at what the cast of my biopic might look like if I was the casting director:

The Stanman- obviously a cross between Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio. No, seriously Edward Norton. Actually he’s too old. What about Zach Gilford ? Probably too good looking, but we’re trying to sell some tickets, so let’s do it.

My unnamed cousin- Freddie Stroma (I’ve never heard of him until I just searched for young actors, but he’s got the look)

My buddy Kyle Korver- Taylor Lautner (the kid from Twilight)

My buddy Glancy- Phillip Seymour Hoffman

My buddy Max- Michael Pena

My buddy RJ- Shia LaBeouf

My buddy Hermo- Seth Rogan

My buddy Browny- Adam Brody

Female love interest #1- Aimee Teegarden

Female love interest #2- Minka Kelly

Female love interest #3- Keira Knightley

My dad- Jimmy Buffet (I don't know if he's an actor, but I do know that he's not only written a few songs, but also a few books)

My mom- Frances McDormand

My brother Mike- Jon Favreau

My brother Pat- Robert Downey, Jr.

My brother Jimmy- Ben Stiller

My twin sisters Maura and Elizabeth- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

8.) Think of a friend of yours−not your best friend, but someone who is (a) more than an acquaintance and (b) physically attractive. One day, while trolling the Internet, you accidentally come across three nude photographs of this person, reclined on a sofa bed. The pictures were clearly taken several years ago, but it’s unclear if the photos were casually posed or taken without the subject’s knowledge (your friend looks comfortable, but he/she is never looking directly into the lens of the camera). The pictures are not labeled, and your friend’s name is not listed anywhere on the site−but you’re certain that this is the same person you know.

What do you do with this information? Do you tell anyone?

My answer: Obviously this depends on whether or not the person is a male or female and on my relationship with that person. If it was a female I would almost definitely (90%) tell plenty of people about the pictures. If it were a male, I'd be very embarassed to have stumbled across the pictures so I the liklihood of me telling people would greatly diminish (45%).

9.) You are kidnapped by a diabolical (but completely honest) madman. He locks you up in an empty attic where the temperature is 100 degrees. Your feet and hands are tied together. There is no food or water. After 24 excruciating hours, the madman opens the attic door and enters with three glasses of ice water on a serving tray. He takes an eyedropper and squirts a colorless, odorless liquid into one of the glasses. “This is poison,” he tells you. He then blindfolds. When he removes the blindfold 30 seconds later, there is a drinking straw in each of the water glasses (but you have no idea which glass contains the poison). “Feel free to have a refreshing sip of water,” he says. “Of course, if you select the glass that contains the poison, you will be dead within ninety minutes. And−just so you know−I promise to release you from this attic…in forty-eight hours.” He then laughs maniacally and exits the attic, locking the door behind him.

What do you do? Do you gamble and drink, or do you try to wait out the madman?

My answer: I think the obvious answer is to try to wait out the madman, but if I were to crack I would drink from a glass in a position where I saw that the madman didn't squirt the poison. By that I mean that if he squirted the poison in the glass that was on the left before I was blindfolded I would drink from the glass that was in the middle or on the right after the blindfold was removed. Basically I wouldn't assume that he moved the glasses around while I was blindfolded.

10.) You are inside a very peculiar rock club: For whatever reason, the manager of the club demands that all his musical acts must take an extensive IQ test before he will allow them to perform. Tonight there are two acts on the bill, and they coincidentally share the same band name, The Industry Standard. Both bands are alleged to be awesome. Sadly, you only have one hour to spend at the club (due to another obligation), and the intermission between the two acts is very long (so you can’t watch both acts). You ask the manager which version of The Industry Standard you should watch. “I have no idea,” he says. “But I will tell you this. The first band had the highest test scores I’ve ever seen, anywhere. Each member of the band is technically a genius−one guy scored higher than Marilyn vos Savant. Conversely, the band playing second had some of the worst scores ever recorded. One member might actually be illiterate. However, I halfway suspect they were all drunk and mocking the entire process. I couldn’t tell for sure.”

Which version of The Industry Standard do you decide to see?

My answer: I think the prevailing thought is that musicians aren't intelligent, but they are incredibly creative thanks to a dark past or drug/alcohol use. I would pick the group that scored high on the IQ tests because I'm an elitist I think that would be more interesting than the stereotypical rock band.

11.) You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench; and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear−for the rest of your life−sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice in Chains vocalist Layne Staley performing a cappella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

My answer: I enjoy music much more than I lead on, but yes and here's why. I can't fathom having to be with a woman who's dealing with the emotional damage from being attacked with a wrench every 3 years. She would probably be so emotionally scarred that she wouldn't leave the house.

It would absolutely suck to hear Alice in Chains every time I heard a song, but I think I could come to grips with the lack of musical differences quicker than dealing with a routinely injured (physically and emotionally) wife. In fact, I'd probably turn to classical music.

This last one isn't a Klosterman hypothetical. It's an interesting question my buddy Tyler asked me this weekend.

Assuming that after each attempt your energy/stamina returns to 100% which of the following do you think you could do first? Run for a 40 yard touchdown in an NFL game or strike out Ichiro Suzuki?

My answer: Although I would have 10 guys blocking for me I don't think that I have any chance of ever running for a 40 yard touchdown in an NFL game. Strikeouts are much more common (even for great hitters like Ichiro) than 40 yard TD runs. I figure that I would get better at pitching (maybe develop an off speed rather than just throwing my 70mph flames) the more chances I got whereas I wouldn't improve at all in the football scenario.

The Little Things

2011-05-17T12:11:00.013-04:00

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. I'm an idea man. I thrive on enthusiasm. No seriously, for as long as I can remember I've had an idea to make a list/write a book about all of the little pleasures of life. The smell of pancakes in the morning, snow days, power naps, etc. Naturally I was a bit disappointed to come across a book at Barnes & Noble last week that had the exact same premise. In fact, it was clear that it was the second edition because of the title, "The Book of (even more) Awesome". So I bought it, read it, and didn't really enjoy it. The guy's writing style just bothered me. He thought he was funny, but wasn't, every 8th word was seemingly in bold for no apparent reason, and he ended every idea with AWESOME! Either way, the premise of the book is still rock solid, so I think it's appropriate to celebrate the little things in life that make us happy.

Finally getting that tiny piece of (insert food item here) out of your teeth- It’s pretty crazy that getting something stuck in your teeth virtually takes control of your entire consciousness. It’s all you can think of until you get it out. You’re constantly trying to unlodge whatever it is with your tongue, but it never works. That sensation when the popcorn kernel or whatever finally falls out is something else. A return to normalcy if you will.

Coming back to your bed after a long trip

Finally realizing where you know someone from after staring at them forever- This is similar to the feeling that you know something, it’s on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t connect the dots for a while, except with people it’s a feeling that’s intensified.

During freshman orientation in college they split us up into groups of about 14-15, have us play icebreakers, etc. There was a kid in my group who I swore I knew from somewhere else, but I couldn’t figure it out. I kept looking at him trying to think of where I knew him from. Finally it dawned on me. The kid looked exactly like the actor that played Mike Eruzione in the movie Miracle. Sure enough the kid lived on my floor during my freshman year and I, of course, told everyone about his doppelganger and he was known as “Rizzo” from then on.

(on the left)

After a long night of shenanigans in NYC I was walking through Grand Central on my way to catch a train and about 200 yards in front of me was an 50-60 year old man that I recognized, but I didn’t know why and obviously didn’t know his name. As I got to within about 10 feet of him I realized that he was one of my politics teacher in college, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember his name. Like a bumbling idiot I said something like, “Hey, you teach politics at Fairfield University, right? I took one of your classes.” He said, “Yes, Dan, how’s it going?” I still didn’t recall his name so I said, “Good, good. Great seeing you,” and kept moving like I was in a hurry, but I really wasn’t. No more than 10 minutes later his name came to me: Professor Kevin Cassidy.

Finding $20 in your winter coat

No longer getting ID’d- This actually might be a bad thing because it means we’re getting old, but 2 weeks ago I went to a Blue Jays/Yankees game with my buddy Mad Max and we stopped at a bar before heading into the stadium. I walked in first and was not asked to show ID, but Max, in his business attire because he came straight from the financial district, was.

Learning a new keyboard shortcut- I’m not exactly tech savvy, but about a year ago I learned CTL+Z, which is a shortcut that will undo your last action(s), and it has made my life soooo much easier at work. I often edit audio highlights/sound bytes at work and in the process I try to take out “umms” and “uhhs”, among other things (when people repeat themselves by saying the same thing in two different ways) and sometimes taking out a breath or a few words makes the audio sound unnatural and I have to go back (by hitting CTL+Z) and find a different way to clean up the byte.

The sound of waves crashing into a dock

“Glue Movies”-This is the terrible term that the author used to describe the movies that you always stop and watch if they are on TV. It doesn't matter if you catch the movie when its 5 minutes in or an hour and twenty minutes in, you're watching it. My top 5 (not necessarily ranked) are:

1.) The Shawshank Redemption
2.) A Few Good Men
3.) Enemy of the State
4.) Rounders
5.) The Departed

Getting a stuck ball out of somewhere by using another ball- Looking back, I feel like this happened once a month in my childhood. Either a wiffleball/football got stuck in a tree or a basketball/dodgeball got stuck in the rafters. Getting the ball unstuck was always a challenge. About 50% of the time another ball, bat, etc. would end up getting stuck in the process too, but it was quite the feeling when the ball became dislodged.

Walking into class and seeing a substitute teacher

Becoming a regular somewhere- This is one of my goals in life. Someday I want to be able to walk into a diner, deli, or whatever and have the person behind the counter start fixing my order without me having to say it. Back in 2009 I went to a Dunkin Donuts every Sunday morning before work for about a 5 month stretch and ordered the same exact thing (Medium coffee 2 and 2 and a chocolate glazed donut). About 75% of the times I went the same 16-17 year old kid took my order. Each week I walked up to the counter hoping he would just say, “Medium coffee 2 and 2 and a chocolate glazed donut, right?”, but it never happened.

When the plane suddenly speeds up on the runway- I’m usually frantically chewing gum so my ears don’t pop (and I always start chewing the gum about 10 minutes too soon), but this is still a pretty cool experience.

In fact, on the way to Spring Back during my senior year of college a bunch of us got to talking about how fast the plane is going just before it lifts off. Guesses were all over the map. 200, 250, 300, 175, etc. As our curiosity intensified we asked the stewardess to ask the pilot. If memory serves, and it usually does, the correct answer was about 150mph which isn’t really all that exciting.

Finally peeing after holding it forever

Realizing that you still remember your childhood friend’s phone number- What’s sad is that people our age are probably the last one’s that will ever experience this because knowing someone’s house number is no longer necessary. After entering someone’s number into a cell phone it’s rare that someone would then memorize that number. Either way, if anyone wants to call my friend J.J.’s old house the number is 315-656-9617.

Going on a field trip

Passing under a bridge on the highway when it’s pouring rain- That momentary break from the downpour, no matter how short-lived, is a bit comforting.

The fries at the bottom of the bag- I rarely eat fast food anymore (not that I’m a health nut or anything), but this was the best growing up.

When the bubbles in your drink go right to the top but not over- I feel like it takes a lottt for the bubbles to spill over because for all the times this happens I’d say that only about 10-25% of the time they spill over. Either way, it’s a pretty cool thing.

Putting on freshly ironed pants or sweatpants/socks straight from the dryer

When you fold a piece of paper so it fits in the envelope perfectly- I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’ve folded something in half (I think that’s just instinct) and then realized that I should have actually folded it into thirds. I’ll tell you what, though, I’m on a pretty good folding streak and when it lines up perfectly it feels pretty good.