As 2011 comes to a close it’s only appropriate for a “Best of” blog post to end the year. Not a “Best of” the blog (although that’d be awesome), but a best of the year in pop culture and to be honest with you, I don’t think 2011 was that great for entertainment. Below are a few bright spots in what I think was a rather disappointing year.
Best Movie of the Year that I saw- The Adjustment Bureau
A political figure (Matt Damon) is destined for greatness until he meets a woman (Emily Blunt) in a men’s bathroom who will throw him off track. The Adjustment Bureau, or angels behind the scenes that serve the world’s best interest, get him back on the righteous path (I didn’t notice the religious undertones until just now), but he can’t forget her. Matt Damon’s character eventually becomes aware of The Bureau and does everything he can to reunite with Blunt. That’s probably not the best endorsement for something that I’ve billed as the best movie of the year, but once you accept the plot (there are hats, doors, maps, etc.) you’ll notice that Damon and Blunt are truly fantastic together. Their on screen chemistry was off the charts. Blunt was also sneaky hot in that I don't remember her from anything else. I’m admittedly a sucker for movies that involve powerful political figures, but The Adjustment Bureau is a great film and I would recommend it to anyone.
I also enjoyed- Crazy, Stupid, Love, The Descendants, The Ides of March
I want to see- Drive, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Moneyball, The Artist
Best TV Show of the Year- Parks and Recreation
I used to watch every show on NBC’s Thursday night comedy lineup except for Parks and Recreation. For some reason Amy Poehler didn’t strike me as all that funny. However, two years ago a buddy at work repeatedly told me that Parks and Rec is the funniest show on television. It took about a year and a half, but I finally gave it a chance and it’s now one of my favorite shows of all time.
Here is Newsweek’s recap of what Parks and Rec did in 2011:
Parks and Recreation captures the spirit of optimism and hope, embodied by the dynamic and determined Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), who found herself tiptoeing into an illicit relationship with her boss, Ben (Adam Scott), and running for local political office. With wit and intelligence, Parks and Recreation painted a Springfieldian portrait of fictional small-town Americana—the Harvest Festival, anyone?—with incredible nuance, offering up a series of characters that are endearingly flawed and adorably sympathetic. In a season overflowing with “manxiety” comedy, there’s something refreshing about a show whose central relationship is between two female friends (Poehler and Rashida Jones), a will-they-won’t-they couple who unexpectedly tie the knot, an unrepentant libertarian (in Nick Offerman’s beloved Ron Swanson), and a protagonist who longs for the rewards of public service. Add in sex scandals, allusions to birthers, and Li’l Sebastian, and you have the makings of a show that’s perfection on a weekly basis. There’s a sweetness and energizing spirit to Parks and Recreation—and to Leslie herself—that sets it apart from the more darker, sarcastic shows in the current television landscape, offering an oasis that feels, remarkably, like coming home.
I also enjoyed- Friday Night Lights, Community, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Boardwalk Empire
I want to see- Homeland, Breaking Bad (Season 4)
Best Song of the Year
For help in determining the best song of the year I will consult three reputable sources. Entertainment Weekly, Billboard, and Rolling Stone because I’ve been out of tune with the music industry for a while. Plus I was recently in Texas and the only thing I’ve listened to since is Country.
Entertainment Weekly's Best Singles of 2011
1. Nicki Minaj -- "Super Bass"
2. Foster the People -- "Pumped Up Kicks"
3. The Throne feat. Frank Ocean -- "No Church in the Wild"
4. Lana Del Rey -- "Video Games"
5. Beyoncé -- "Countdown"
6. Wild Flag -- "Romance"
7. Britney Spears -- "I Wanna Go"
8. Colbie Caillat -- "Brighter Than the Sun"
9. Foo Fighters -- "Walk"
10. Kelly Clarkson -- "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)"
Billboard's 10 Best Songs of 2011
1. Nicki Minaj -- "Super Bass"
2. Adele -- "Someone Like You"
3. Britney Spears -- "Till the World Ends"
4. The Throne -- "N----s in Paris"
5. Kelly Rowland feat. Lil Wayne -- "Motivation"
6. Frank Ocean -- "Novacane"
7. Bon Iver -- "Holocene"
8. Lady Gaga -- "The Edge of Glory"
9. Chris Brown -- "Look at Me Now"
10. Adele -- "Rolling in the Deep"
Rolling Stone’s Top 10 Singles of 2011
1. Adele -- “Rolling in the Deep”
2. Jay-Z and Kanye West -- “Ni**as in Paris”
3. Britney Spears -- “Till the World Ends”
4. Foo Fighters -- “These Days”
5. Paul Simon -- “Rewrite”
6. Radiohead -- “Lotus Flower”
7. Lady Gaga -- “The Edge of Glory”
8. Beyonce -- “Countdown”
9. Lil Wayne feat. Cory Gunz -- “Six Foot Seven Foot”
10. The Decemberists -- “Don’t Carry it All”
I like Nicki Minaj, but I have a hard time giving the award to “Super Bass” after an 8 year old white girl performed it virtually on repeat for a month (this clip was everywhere). I’m not a fan of this Adele chick even though girls cream themselves to her. I can’t give the award to Jay-Z and Kanye after they decided to remove the letter “z” from the word crazy. I like the Foo Fighters song “These Days”, but I’ve only heard it 2-3 times. Feel free to judge me, but I think Lady Gaga was the artist of the year. She must be putting crack in her songs or something because they are catchy as hell. I actually enjoy most of her songs, so I’ll give “The Edge of Glory” my song of the year honors because it seems to be her most critically acclaimed hit of 2011.
I also enjoyed- Chris Young- “Home”, Kenny Chesney feat. Grace Potter- “You and Tequila”, Coldplay- “Paradise”
Best Book I read - “a visit from the goon squad” by Jennifer Egan
In case you’re keeping track at home this is two years in a row that my favorite book of the year has been written by a woman. I can’t point to 2-3 reasons why I enjoyed the book so much. I just did. I bought it because the back of the book said it was an inside look at the music industry. It’s not, but the writing is tremendous. It’s a hard book to sum up, so I found a review online and within the first paragraph the reviewer wrote, “This is a difficult book to summarize.” It’s basically about a big shot record producer who used to be in a punk rock band as a twentysomething and all the people around him at various points in his life. The book is not linear. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It jumps around from decade to decade. Each chapter is like its own story, but it’s tangentially related to the previous one. The discontinuity does not hinder the overall narrative. I would argue that it actually enhances it.
Here is a portion of the review from The Observer:
Goon Squad is a book about memory and kinship, time and narrative, continuity and disconnection, in which relationships shift and recombine kaleidoscopically. It is neither a novel nor a collection of short stories, but something in between: a series of chapters featuring interlocking characters at different points in their lives, whose individual voices combine to a create a symphonic work that uses its interconnected form to explore ideas about human interconnectedness. This is a difficult book to summarize, but a delight to read, gradually distilling a medley out of its polyphonic, sometimes deliberately cacophonous voices.
Everyone in the book is pushed around by time, circumstance and, occasionally, the ones they love, as Egan reveals with great elegance and economy the wobbly arcs of her characters' lives, their painful pasts and future disappointments. Characters who are marginal in one chapter become the focus of the next; the narrative alternates not only between first-person and third-person accounts, but – perhaps just because she can – Egan throws in a virtuosic second-person story as well, in which a suicidal young man tells his tale to a colloquial "you". She also shifts dramatically across times and places: punk teenagers in 1970s San Francisco become disillusioned adults in the suburbs of 1990s New York; their children grow up in an imagined, slightly dystopic future in the California desert, or attend a legendary concert at "The Footprint", where the Twin Towers used to be, sometime in the 2020s.
I also enjoyed- Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and 20 Under 40: Stories From The New Yorker
*None of the books I mentioned were published in 2011, although 2 were published in 2010. I just read them in 2011.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
NBA Preview
The NBA makes its triumphant return on Christmas Day and I couldn't be more excited. First of all, I don't have to work, which is fantastic news. I thought that the chock full Christmas Day slate in the NBA would keep me in CT for the holidays. I'm also excited because it finally seems like my beloved New York Knicks are legitimate contenders in the Eastern Conference for the first time in over a decade. Trust me when I tell you that I've watched far too many Knick games featuring Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady, Zach Randolph, Jamal Crawford (I loved him), etc.
In an effort to subside my hard on for the return to the hardwood I've decided to write a quick team by team preview for the upcoming 66 game season.
I've ranked the teams by conference and projected their 2011-12 record (Yes, the total wins and total losses are equal).
Eastern Conference
1.) Miami Heat (52-14)- The Heat lost in Game 6 of the NBA Finals last year and they’re only going to get better. If you gave me the Heat or the field to win the 2012 NBA title I would take the Heat and I wouldn’t even think twice about it.
2.) Chicago Bulls (48-18)- They certainly upgraded at the 2 with the addition of Rip Hamilton, but he’s wayyy past his prime. The Bulls are very solid, but who’s their #2 scorer? Carlos Boozer? How’d that work out last year?
3.) Boston Celtics (42-24)- I get it, they’re a year older. People keep pointing to this like Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett aren’t good anymore. I’m sure the compact 66 game schedule will affect them a little especially because their depth isn’t what it once was (which is only exacerbated now that Jeff Green is out for the year), but I’m not ready to sell the Celtics yet.
4.) New York Knicks (40-26)- The Knicks biggest concerns last year were defense, defensive rebounding, defending the low post, and protecting the rim. Tyson Chandler is the perfect addition because he does all of those things well, but he can’t cure all of the team’s ills. His unselfishness on the offensive end will also be a plus because there already aren’t enough shots for Melo and Amare. While Chandler makes perfect sense the Knicks had to give up Chauncey Billups and stability at PG to get him.
No, that's not Kimbo Slice. It's the Knicks new PG.
Enter Baron Davis. I’m very intrigued by this signing. For starters, ESPN’s Ric Bucher seems to think that Baron will only be out 4-5 weeks instead of the 8-10 that’s been reported. Everyone keeps saying that if Baron is healthy and motivated he’ll be great for the Knicks. “If he’s healthy and motivated.” I wish it were that easy for me. It’s almost like people are treating Baron like a supermodel/actress that gained a little weight. If she gets healthy (loses weight) and is motivated she can start wrecking dicks again.
5.) Atlanta Hawks (34-32)- The Hawks are stuck in a perpetual cycle of mediocrity. They are never going to win an NBA championship with this roster (especially with the absurd amount of $ they have invested in Joe Johnson). The way I see it the Hawks can either be the 4-5 seed for a few more years and never get past the 2nd round or they can blow the entire team up, bottom out, and hope to land a future superstar in the draft.
6.) Indiana Pacers (34-32)- I really like what the Pacers did this offseason in adding George Hill (a great sparkplug backup PG to push Collison) and David West (he was so underrated that he became overrated, but now he’s underrated again). A foundation of Darren Collison, Danny Granger, and David West may not be enough to win the title, but it’s certainly good enough for 6th place in the East.
7.) Philadelphia 76ers (33-33)- Doug Collins did a hell of a job with this team last year. They were young and he brought a sense of stability. They should get better with another year of experience.
8.) Milwaukee Bucks (32-34)- They lost Corey Maggette, John Salmons, and Keyon Dooling and replaced them with Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Stephen Jackson, and Beno Udrih. I’ll call that a slight upgrade. If Andrew Bogut stays healthy and Brandon Jennings takes a few less contested 3-pointers (he was 98 for 303 from deep last year) this team may climb back to the 6 spot, which is where they finished in 09-10.
9.) Orlando Magic (31-35)- I think Dwight will be traded before the trade deadline in March, but he’ll be around long enough to keep this team around .500.
10.) Detroit Pistons (29-37)- The Pistons are a worse (albeit younger) version of the Hawks. Sure I think that they’ll see a little addition by subtraction with Rip Hamilton gone, but how far are they going when Rodney Stuckey, Ben Gordon, Tayshaun Prince, Charlie Villanueva, Austin Daye, and Greg Monroe are their top 6 players?
11.) New Jersey Nets (24-42)- A full year (66 games, but you know what I meant) with Deron Williams running the show and the Nets should improve significantly. They swung and missed with Carmelo last year, but they seem to be one of the two landing spots for Dwight and he’s a game changer.
12.) Washington Wizards (21-45)- They will be very young, but there is a lot of talent on this roster. John Wall is the only star, but Syracuse native Andray Blatche and Nick Young can score, and Javale McGee protects the rim better than most.
13.) Charlotte Bobcats (18-48)- The Bobcats roster is horrendous. This is an easy comment to make, but I seriously think that Michael Jordan, at age 48, would be their best player. Seriously, this is their potential starting five...
PG- DJ Augustin
SG- Corey Maggette
SF- Boris Diaw
PF- Tyrus Thomas
C- Melvin Ely
14.) Cleveland Cavaliers (16-50)- Kyrie Iriving and Tristan Thompson better grow up in a hurry because there isn’t too much else on this roster other than a washed up Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varajeo.
15.) Toronto Raptors (15-51)- DeMar Derozan showed some signs last year, but I can’t get behind the foreign trio of Andrea Bargnani, Jose Calderon, and Linas Kleiza.
Western Conference
1.) Oklahoma City Thunder (49-17)- I still feel like they’re still a year away, but the West is theirs for the taking. Durant is an assassin, Perk slimmed down significantly, and James Harden stepped up in the playoffs. If Russell Westbrook can stop going 9855783 miles per hour at all times and learn to value the basketball the Thunder will be the team to beat in the West.
He either snorted a lot of cocaine, worked out a lot, or gave up Cap'n Crunch like C.C. Sabathia did.
2.) Dallas Mavericks (44-22)- They’re the defending champs, so I have to give them respect, but losing Chandler and Barea may come back to bite them. There’s no doubt that they’re talented, but I can’t figure out what they’re doing in the frontcourt. They essentially have 3 awkward forwards. Shawn Marion is a PF trapped in a SF’s body, Dirk is a SG trapped in a center’s body, and Lamar Odom is a SF trapped in a PF’s body.
3.) San Antonio Spurs (43-23)- Weird to think that they were the #1 seed last year. The roster didn’t change too much, which means that they’ll probably trot out an impact foreigner they drafted 3 years ago. Tony Parker, Manu, Richard Jefferson, and Tim Duncan may be old, but they know how to win and Gregg Popovich is one of the few coaches in the league that actually matters.
4.) Los Angeles Lakers (42-24)- Kobe may be a better player off the court this year (Hide your wives, hide your daughters, hide the hotel maids),but he’s still a top 3 player in the NBA (LBJ and Durant). Maybe he and Pau, who was clearly rattled in the playoffs after his GF dumped him, will get it together. Can't you see Kobe going on a one mission to avenge the wrong that David Stern did the Lakers by nixing the Chris Paul trade? All that said, the Lakers still have major concerns- PG defense, Andrew Bynum’s health, and first year head coach Mike Brown.
5.) Los Angeles Clippers (39-27)- The addition of CP3 may be slightly overstated, but it’s still a big deal. The Clippers starting 5 (CP3, Chauncey, Caron Butler, Blake Griffin, and DeAndre Jordan) is legit, but I question their depth. They do have 4 point guards (CP3, Chauncey, Mo Williams, and Eric Bledsoe), so they'd be the odds on favorite to win a ball handling competition (which is a lot more gay than it is noteworthy).
6.) Memphis Grizzlies (39-27)- The Grizzlies gained valuable experience in the playoffs last year (beat the Spurs in 6 and lost to the Thunder in 7). Z-Bo was simply a man among boys, which was FTW (fun to watch). Now they lost Shane Battier to the Heat, but they get Rudy Gay back from injury, so I expect them to build on last year’s momentum a little bit.
7.) Portland Trail Blazers (38-28)- They have great length in the frontcourt (Gerald Wallace, LaMarcus Aldridge, and the ageless Marcus Camby) as well as some firepower in the backcourt (Raymond Felton, Jamal Crawford, and Wesley Matthews).
8.) Denver Nuggets (38-28)- The Nuggets biggest problem this year may be in dealing with Chinese legalese as Wilson Chandler, JR Smith, and Kenyon Martin seem to be stuck in China until March. As for the team they’ll actually put on the court, Ty Lawson is an exciting PG, Nene is a solid center, and they have plenty of pieces to fill in the rest (Gallinari, Al Harrington, Andre Miller, etc.).
9.) Phoenix Suns (35-31)- The Suns will continue to fade in terms of NBA relevance as long as their roster is built around the 37-year-old Steve Nash and the 39-year-old Grant Hill. Sorry I’m not sorry that I can’t get excited about Shannon Brown (who I actually like), Channing Frye (it’s almost like there’s an electric fence around the 3-point line and he gets buzzed when he tries to go towards the rim), and Jared Dudley. The Suns do have great team chemistry, but that can only get you so far.
10.) Utah Jazz (34-32)- Their backcourt is highly questionable (Devin Harris, CJ Miles, Gordon Hayward and Raja Bell), but I like Derrick Favors and Al Jefferson, and I’m interested to see what Enes Kanter brings to the table.
11.) Golden State Warriors (32-34)- They can score. That much we know. The real question for them will be whether or not first year head coach Mark Jackson can bring some of that St. John’s/New York Knicks/post up point guard toughness to this team. I think they start to get things going in the right direction, but you aren’t going to the playoffs if Kwame Brown is your best defender.
12.) Houston Rockets (28-38)- This team is a collection of decent to not very good complimentary pieces. Kevin Martin and Luis Scola are solid, but they aren’t taking you anywhere.
13.) Sacramento Kings (23-43)- I really liked the addition of Chuck Hayes and it’s sad to see that his contract was voided because of a heart condition, but I still think that the Kings have improved. First and foremost, they drafted the Jimmer. I’m not sure what he’ll really bring (probably not much more than what J.J. Redick has done for the Magic), but he’s got a slight Tebow quality to him. Their best two players are clearly Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins and Marcus Thornton, J.J. Hickson, and John Salmons are fairly solid pieces to put around them.
14.) Minnesota Timberwolves (19-47)- They have three white PGs (Rubio, Barea, and Ridnour), three white bigs (Kevin Love, Darko, and Brad Miller), and a bunch of Player X’s. By Player X’s I mean that there are 4-5 guys that are not distinguishable from the others. If a casual NBA fan watched the Timberwolves play they’d be hard pressed to tell the difference between Wesley Johnson, Derrick Williams, Wayne Ellington, Michael Beasley, and Martell Webster.
One more point about the Timberwolves. For those people that say that Kevin Love is a top 10 player in the NBA. Stop it. I like Kevin Love. He’s a star with a unique skill set. He’s the best rebounder in the league and he can stroke it from deep, but here’s the problem. He’s at his best as the #2 or #3 option on offense. He can’t carry a team on his back. Just look at his track record. He was the best player on this team last year and they won 17 games. He’d be perfect on a team with a proven scorer like Kobe or Durant, but his skills aren’t fully utilized when he’s deferring to Michael Beasley.
15.) New Orleans Hornets (18-48)- The Hornets are going to be bad this season. Eric Gordon is a budding superstar and Chris Kaman is a serviceable center, but are they enough to win 20 games? I don’t think so.
In an effort to subside my hard on for the return to the hardwood I've decided to write a quick team by team preview for the upcoming 66 game season.
I've ranked the teams by conference and projected their 2011-12 record (Yes, the total wins and total losses are equal).
Eastern Conference
1.) Miami Heat (52-14)- The Heat lost in Game 6 of the NBA Finals last year and they’re only going to get better. If you gave me the Heat or the field to win the 2012 NBA title I would take the Heat and I wouldn’t even think twice about it.
2.) Chicago Bulls (48-18)- They certainly upgraded at the 2 with the addition of Rip Hamilton, but he’s wayyy past his prime. The Bulls are very solid, but who’s their #2 scorer? Carlos Boozer? How’d that work out last year?
3.) Boston Celtics (42-24)- I get it, they’re a year older. People keep pointing to this like Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett aren’t good anymore. I’m sure the compact 66 game schedule will affect them a little especially because their depth isn’t what it once was (which is only exacerbated now that Jeff Green is out for the year), but I’m not ready to sell the Celtics yet.
4.) New York Knicks (40-26)- The Knicks biggest concerns last year were defense, defensive rebounding, defending the low post, and protecting the rim. Tyson Chandler is the perfect addition because he does all of those things well, but he can’t cure all of the team’s ills. His unselfishness on the offensive end will also be a plus because there already aren’t enough shots for Melo and Amare. While Chandler makes perfect sense the Knicks had to give up Chauncey Billups and stability at PG to get him.
No, that's not Kimbo Slice. It's the Knicks new PG.
Enter Baron Davis. I’m very intrigued by this signing. For starters, ESPN’s Ric Bucher seems to think that Baron will only be out 4-5 weeks instead of the 8-10 that’s been reported. Everyone keeps saying that if Baron is healthy and motivated he’ll be great for the Knicks. “If he’s healthy and motivated.” I wish it were that easy for me. It’s almost like people are treating Baron like a supermodel/actress that gained a little weight. If she gets healthy (loses weight) and is motivated she can start wrecking dicks again.
5.) Atlanta Hawks (34-32)- The Hawks are stuck in a perpetual cycle of mediocrity. They are never going to win an NBA championship with this roster (especially with the absurd amount of $ they have invested in Joe Johnson). The way I see it the Hawks can either be the 4-5 seed for a few more years and never get past the 2nd round or they can blow the entire team up, bottom out, and hope to land a future superstar in the draft.
6.) Indiana Pacers (34-32)- I really like what the Pacers did this offseason in adding George Hill (a great sparkplug backup PG to push Collison) and David West (he was so underrated that he became overrated, but now he’s underrated again). A foundation of Darren Collison, Danny Granger, and David West may not be enough to win the title, but it’s certainly good enough for 6th place in the East.
7.) Philadelphia 76ers (33-33)- Doug Collins did a hell of a job with this team last year. They were young and he brought a sense of stability. They should get better with another year of experience.
8.) Milwaukee Bucks (32-34)- They lost Corey Maggette, John Salmons, and Keyon Dooling and replaced them with Mike Dunleavy, Jr., Stephen Jackson, and Beno Udrih. I’ll call that a slight upgrade. If Andrew Bogut stays healthy and Brandon Jennings takes a few less contested 3-pointers (he was 98 for 303 from deep last year) this team may climb back to the 6 spot, which is where they finished in 09-10.
9.) Orlando Magic (31-35)- I think Dwight will be traded before the trade deadline in March, but he’ll be around long enough to keep this team around .500.
10.) Detroit Pistons (29-37)- The Pistons are a worse (albeit younger) version of the Hawks. Sure I think that they’ll see a little addition by subtraction with Rip Hamilton gone, but how far are they going when Rodney Stuckey, Ben Gordon, Tayshaun Prince, Charlie Villanueva, Austin Daye, and Greg Monroe are their top 6 players?
11.) New Jersey Nets (24-42)- A full year (66 games, but you know what I meant) with Deron Williams running the show and the Nets should improve significantly. They swung and missed with Carmelo last year, but they seem to be one of the two landing spots for Dwight and he’s a game changer.
12.) Washington Wizards (21-45)- They will be very young, but there is a lot of talent on this roster. John Wall is the only star, but Syracuse native Andray Blatche and Nick Young can score, and Javale McGee protects the rim better than most.
13.) Charlotte Bobcats (18-48)- The Bobcats roster is horrendous. This is an easy comment to make, but I seriously think that Michael Jordan, at age 48, would be their best player. Seriously, this is their potential starting five...
PG- DJ Augustin
SG- Corey Maggette
SF- Boris Diaw
PF- Tyrus Thomas
C- Melvin Ely
14.) Cleveland Cavaliers (16-50)- Kyrie Iriving and Tristan Thompson better grow up in a hurry because there isn’t too much else on this roster other than a washed up Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varajeo.
15.) Toronto Raptors (15-51)- DeMar Derozan showed some signs last year, but I can’t get behind the foreign trio of Andrea Bargnani, Jose Calderon, and Linas Kleiza.
Western Conference
1.) Oklahoma City Thunder (49-17)- I still feel like they’re still a year away, but the West is theirs for the taking. Durant is an assassin, Perk slimmed down significantly, and James Harden stepped up in the playoffs. If Russell Westbrook can stop going 9855783 miles per hour at all times and learn to value the basketball the Thunder will be the team to beat in the West.
He either snorted a lot of cocaine, worked out a lot, or gave up Cap'n Crunch like C.C. Sabathia did.
2.) Dallas Mavericks (44-22)- They’re the defending champs, so I have to give them respect, but losing Chandler and Barea may come back to bite them. There’s no doubt that they’re talented, but I can’t figure out what they’re doing in the frontcourt. They essentially have 3 awkward forwards. Shawn Marion is a PF trapped in a SF’s body, Dirk is a SG trapped in a center’s body, and Lamar Odom is a SF trapped in a PF’s body.
3.) San Antonio Spurs (43-23)- Weird to think that they were the #1 seed last year. The roster didn’t change too much, which means that they’ll probably trot out an impact foreigner they drafted 3 years ago. Tony Parker, Manu, Richard Jefferson, and Tim Duncan may be old, but they know how to win and Gregg Popovich is one of the few coaches in the league that actually matters.
4.) Los Angeles Lakers (42-24)- Kobe may be a better player off the court this year (Hide your wives, hide your daughters, hide the hotel maids),but he’s still a top 3 player in the NBA (LBJ and Durant). Maybe he and Pau, who was clearly rattled in the playoffs after his GF dumped him, will get it together. Can't you see Kobe going on a one mission to avenge the wrong that David Stern did the Lakers by nixing the Chris Paul trade? All that said, the Lakers still have major concerns- PG defense, Andrew Bynum’s health, and first year head coach Mike Brown.
5.) Los Angeles Clippers (39-27)- The addition of CP3 may be slightly overstated, but it’s still a big deal. The Clippers starting 5 (CP3, Chauncey, Caron Butler, Blake Griffin, and DeAndre Jordan) is legit, but I question their depth. They do have 4 point guards (CP3, Chauncey, Mo Williams, and Eric Bledsoe), so they'd be the odds on favorite to win a ball handling competition (which is a lot more gay than it is noteworthy).
6.) Memphis Grizzlies (39-27)- The Grizzlies gained valuable experience in the playoffs last year (beat the Spurs in 6 and lost to the Thunder in 7). Z-Bo was simply a man among boys, which was FTW (fun to watch). Now they lost Shane Battier to the Heat, but they get Rudy Gay back from injury, so I expect them to build on last year’s momentum a little bit.
7.) Portland Trail Blazers (38-28)- They have great length in the frontcourt (Gerald Wallace, LaMarcus Aldridge, and the ageless Marcus Camby) as well as some firepower in the backcourt (Raymond Felton, Jamal Crawford, and Wesley Matthews).
8.) Denver Nuggets (38-28)- The Nuggets biggest problem this year may be in dealing with Chinese legalese as Wilson Chandler, JR Smith, and Kenyon Martin seem to be stuck in China until March. As for the team they’ll actually put on the court, Ty Lawson is an exciting PG, Nene is a solid center, and they have plenty of pieces to fill in the rest (Gallinari, Al Harrington, Andre Miller, etc.).
9.) Phoenix Suns (35-31)- The Suns will continue to fade in terms of NBA relevance as long as their roster is built around the 37-year-old Steve Nash and the 39-year-old Grant Hill. Sorry I’m not sorry that I can’t get excited about Shannon Brown (who I actually like), Channing Frye (it’s almost like there’s an electric fence around the 3-point line and he gets buzzed when he tries to go towards the rim), and Jared Dudley. The Suns do have great team chemistry, but that can only get you so far.
10.) Utah Jazz (34-32)- Their backcourt is highly questionable (Devin Harris, CJ Miles, Gordon Hayward and Raja Bell), but I like Derrick Favors and Al Jefferson, and I’m interested to see what Enes Kanter brings to the table.
11.) Golden State Warriors (32-34)- They can score. That much we know. The real question for them will be whether or not first year head coach Mark Jackson can bring some of that St. John’s/New York Knicks/post up point guard toughness to this team. I think they start to get things going in the right direction, but you aren’t going to the playoffs if Kwame Brown is your best defender.
12.) Houston Rockets (28-38)- This team is a collection of decent to not very good complimentary pieces. Kevin Martin and Luis Scola are solid, but they aren’t taking you anywhere.
13.) Sacramento Kings (23-43)- I really liked the addition of Chuck Hayes and it’s sad to see that his contract was voided because of a heart condition, but I still think that the Kings have improved. First and foremost, they drafted the Jimmer. I’m not sure what he’ll really bring (probably not much more than what J.J. Redick has done for the Magic), but he’s got a slight Tebow quality to him. Their best two players are clearly Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins and Marcus Thornton, J.J. Hickson, and John Salmons are fairly solid pieces to put around them.
14.) Minnesota Timberwolves (19-47)- They have three white PGs (Rubio, Barea, and Ridnour), three white bigs (Kevin Love, Darko, and Brad Miller), and a bunch of Player X’s. By Player X’s I mean that there are 4-5 guys that are not distinguishable from the others. If a casual NBA fan watched the Timberwolves play they’d be hard pressed to tell the difference between Wesley Johnson, Derrick Williams, Wayne Ellington, Michael Beasley, and Martell Webster.
One more point about the Timberwolves. For those people that say that Kevin Love is a top 10 player in the NBA. Stop it. I like Kevin Love. He’s a star with a unique skill set. He’s the best rebounder in the league and he can stroke it from deep, but here’s the problem. He’s at his best as the #2 or #3 option on offense. He can’t carry a team on his back. Just look at his track record. He was the best player on this team last year and they won 17 games. He’d be perfect on a team with a proven scorer like Kobe or Durant, but his skills aren’t fully utilized when he’s deferring to Michael Beasley.
15.) New Orleans Hornets (18-48)- The Hornets are going to be bad this season. Eric Gordon is a budding superstar and Chris Kaman is a serviceable center, but are they enough to win 20 games? I don’t think so.
Labels:
Carmelo Anthony,
Kobe Bryant,
New York Knicks
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Everything's Bigger in...
So I was in the Dallas/Fort Worth area this weekend visiting my boy, and friend of the blog, RJ, who’s lived there for a few years. He’s a Cowboys fan and I’m a Giants fan, so it seemed like the perfect weekend to visit. Our buddy Hermo, who's a Giants fan like me, was supposed to come to, but he bailed a few weeks ago.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip.
1.) Real Texas BBQ- After RJ picked me up from the airport we went directly to a place called Railhead BBQ.
I didn’t know what I was in for, so I just went with the sampler platter. The platter contained delicious, moist ribs (the meat was literally falling off the bone), pulled pork, baked beans that I didn’t touch, coleslaw, barbecue sauce, two slices of white bread that seemed out of place even when I made a half sandwich with the pulled pork, and a gigantic goblet of beer that was pre-frozen (the goblet, not the beer) so much so that chunks of ice formed in the beer almost instantly. It was as if I were drinking a chemist’s concoction and not a beer, but it was phenomenal.
2.) Lockheed Factory Tour- RJ works for Lockheed Martin, which is a defense/technology based company that makes fighter jets, weapons, etc. for the U.S. government. The Fort Worth location manufactures three different types of fighter jets, so I got my American pride on as I toured the facility.
The place is enormous, which I guess makes sense because they build planes there. I wish I had a pedometer on during my visit because I’m pretty sure that I walked for over 2 miles just checking things out. My favorite part was the stealth paint color that reflects radars because it’s apparently such a high valued technology that if a drop gets in an employee’s hair the company will cut it all off before you can leave the premises.
3.) In & Out Burger- People on the West Coast crank it to In & Out Burger, so when I saw one in Dallas I made sure that we went there. I ordered a double double with fries and chocolate milkshake. The burger was amazing, but the fries were horrible…and I was hammered. Usually everything tastes great when I’m drunk, but these fries were brutal. The hype around In & Out Burger may be through the roof, but I’d much rather have Five Guys or Whataburger.
4.) Dealey Plaza- In case you don’t know, I was a politics minor in college and I’m a bit of a history buff, so when I decided to go to Dallas the first thing I wanted to do was go to Dealey Plaza. I’m sure most of you are asking yourself, “What’s Dealey Plaza?” Dealey Plaza is where JFK was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963. Don’t worry if you didn’t know that. I went to check it out with someone (RJ’s girlfriend) who thought JFK was assassinated in Washington DC and she lived in Texas for over a year. I think it’s safe to say that it’s the most famous murder in American history (most famous murder in history is probably Caesar, right?), especially because of the conspiracy theories about who may have played a role in its execution.
View from the Grassy Knoll
We were able to tour the 6th floor of the Texas School Book depository (where Lee Harvey Oswald fired at JFK), take pictures from the Grassy Knoll (where many believe a second shooter was located), and stand on the two X’s in the street which indicate where the presidential motorcade was when JFK was first hit and where he was when his head was blown off. It was a very cool feeling to take in such a historical site.
5.) Gun range- For the first time in my life I unloaded a gun that wasn’t attached to my body. I figured that if I was in Texas I had to shoot a gun, so it was probably #2 on my to do list. I was dumping my pants on the way to the range because of all the safety concerns, but it was more of a nervous anxiety. I was nervous about doing something wrong or against protocol, but also anxious to feel what it was like to pull the trigger on an actual fire arm.
The feeling of shooting a gun is unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. It is absolutely exhilarating to wield so much power. The avalanche of adrenaline adds to this feeling of invincibility, but there is also something calming and liberating about it.
6.) Authentic Dr. Pepper- People drink Dr. Pepper like it’s water down in Texas. In fact, it was invented in the 1880’s by a man named Charles Alderton in Waco. The first bottling plant was established in the nearby town of Dublin and it’s still in operation. It’s also the only plant that still uses the original formula because in the 1970’s all of the other bottling plants began to use cheaper corn sweeteners (high fructose corn syrup) instead of the original sugar. The Dublin plant only ships their Dr. Pepper to stores within a 44 mile radius, so I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to taste the original product while in Texas because Dallas is about 100 miles northeast of Waco. Apparently some of the stores in the 44 mile radius sell the original sugar variety to retail chains (Walmart) in Dallas, so I had the opportunity to try to the real formula. My expectations were naturally high and the original sugar variety didn’t exactly meet them. The difference, to my admittedly weak palate, was negligible.
7.) Honky Tonk Bar- We went to a bar on Friday night and if I didn’t know any better I would have thought I was in NYC or Boston. Looking around no one looked like they were from Texas. So on Saturday RJ took me to the area of Forth Worth known as The Stockyards.
We went to a bar called Cadillac’s that was as honky tonk as honky tonk gets. They were playing country songs that avid country fans from the Northeast have most likely never heard of and everyone in the bar knew all of the words. I saw about 4 Texas Rangers baseball hats and about 50 cowboy hats. 75% of the guys were dressed like they just came from the rodeo. In fact, all of the TVs in the bar were showing the rodeo. People were doing the Texas Two Step in a small area designated for dancing like it was going out of style. The age range of the clientele was about 20-60 and there was a nice mix. I swear, I felt more out of place than the lone black guy in the bar dressed in Cowboy garb. That all said, I thought it was awesome.
8.) Cowboy Stadium- Although there were plenty of reasons for me to go to Dallas, the main reason was to see Cowboy Stadium. Back in 2009 it made my Top 10 list of sports venues that every fan needs to experience and I’m glad that I got to check it off my list. First and foremost, the video screen is as advertised…enormous.
I spent about 66% of the game looking at it. That might have something to do with the fact that we didn’t get actual tickets to the game. We got party passes and had to stand on the concourse for the entirety of the game, but I snuck up to watch the game with my own eyes a few times and even walked down a level and stood in the last row for the last 5 minutes of the 3rd quarter and first 7 minutes of the 4th quarter.
The fact that the Giants came back from a 12 point deficit in the final 3:14 made my experience in the stadium that much sweeter.
Here are some of the highlights of the trip.
1.) Real Texas BBQ- After RJ picked me up from the airport we went directly to a place called Railhead BBQ.
I didn’t know what I was in for, so I just went with the sampler platter. The platter contained delicious, moist ribs (the meat was literally falling off the bone), pulled pork, baked beans that I didn’t touch, coleslaw, barbecue sauce, two slices of white bread that seemed out of place even when I made a half sandwich with the pulled pork, and a gigantic goblet of beer that was pre-frozen (the goblet, not the beer) so much so that chunks of ice formed in the beer almost instantly. It was as if I were drinking a chemist’s concoction and not a beer, but it was phenomenal.
2.) Lockheed Factory Tour- RJ works for Lockheed Martin, which is a defense/technology based company that makes fighter jets, weapons, etc. for the U.S. government. The Fort Worth location manufactures three different types of fighter jets, so I got my American pride on as I toured the facility.
The place is enormous, which I guess makes sense because they build planes there. I wish I had a pedometer on during my visit because I’m pretty sure that I walked for over 2 miles just checking things out. My favorite part was the stealth paint color that reflects radars because it’s apparently such a high valued technology that if a drop gets in an employee’s hair the company will cut it all off before you can leave the premises.
3.) In & Out Burger- People on the West Coast crank it to In & Out Burger, so when I saw one in Dallas I made sure that we went there. I ordered a double double with fries and chocolate milkshake. The burger was amazing, but the fries were horrible…and I was hammered. Usually everything tastes great when I’m drunk, but these fries were brutal. The hype around In & Out Burger may be through the roof, but I’d much rather have Five Guys or Whataburger.
4.) Dealey Plaza- In case you don’t know, I was a politics minor in college and I’m a bit of a history buff, so when I decided to go to Dallas the first thing I wanted to do was go to Dealey Plaza. I’m sure most of you are asking yourself, “What’s Dealey Plaza?” Dealey Plaza is where JFK was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963. Don’t worry if you didn’t know that. I went to check it out with someone (RJ’s girlfriend) who thought JFK was assassinated in Washington DC and she lived in Texas for over a year. I think it’s safe to say that it’s the most famous murder in American history (most famous murder in history is probably Caesar, right?), especially because of the conspiracy theories about who may have played a role in its execution.
View from the Grassy Knoll
We were able to tour the 6th floor of the Texas School Book depository (where Lee Harvey Oswald fired at JFK), take pictures from the Grassy Knoll (where many believe a second shooter was located), and stand on the two X’s in the street which indicate where the presidential motorcade was when JFK was first hit and where he was when his head was blown off. It was a very cool feeling to take in such a historical site.
5.) Gun range- For the first time in my life I unloaded a gun that wasn’t attached to my body. I figured that if I was in Texas I had to shoot a gun, so it was probably #2 on my to do list. I was dumping my pants on the way to the range because of all the safety concerns, but it was more of a nervous anxiety. I was nervous about doing something wrong or against protocol, but also anxious to feel what it was like to pull the trigger on an actual fire arm.
The feeling of shooting a gun is unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. It is absolutely exhilarating to wield so much power. The avalanche of adrenaline adds to this feeling of invincibility, but there is also something calming and liberating about it.
6.) Authentic Dr. Pepper- People drink Dr. Pepper like it’s water down in Texas. In fact, it was invented in the 1880’s by a man named Charles Alderton in Waco. The first bottling plant was established in the nearby town of Dublin and it’s still in operation. It’s also the only plant that still uses the original formula because in the 1970’s all of the other bottling plants began to use cheaper corn sweeteners (high fructose corn syrup) instead of the original sugar. The Dublin plant only ships their Dr. Pepper to stores within a 44 mile radius, so I assumed that I wouldn’t be able to taste the original product while in Texas because Dallas is about 100 miles northeast of Waco. Apparently some of the stores in the 44 mile radius sell the original sugar variety to retail chains (Walmart) in Dallas, so I had the opportunity to try to the real formula. My expectations were naturally high and the original sugar variety didn’t exactly meet them. The difference, to my admittedly weak palate, was negligible.
7.) Honky Tonk Bar- We went to a bar on Friday night and if I didn’t know any better I would have thought I was in NYC or Boston. Looking around no one looked like they were from Texas. So on Saturday RJ took me to the area of Forth Worth known as The Stockyards.
We went to a bar called Cadillac’s that was as honky tonk as honky tonk gets. They were playing country songs that avid country fans from the Northeast have most likely never heard of and everyone in the bar knew all of the words. I saw about 4 Texas Rangers baseball hats and about 50 cowboy hats. 75% of the guys were dressed like they just came from the rodeo. In fact, all of the TVs in the bar were showing the rodeo. People were doing the Texas Two Step in a small area designated for dancing like it was going out of style. The age range of the clientele was about 20-60 and there was a nice mix. I swear, I felt more out of place than the lone black guy in the bar dressed in Cowboy garb. That all said, I thought it was awesome.
8.) Cowboy Stadium- Although there were plenty of reasons for me to go to Dallas, the main reason was to see Cowboy Stadium. Back in 2009 it made my Top 10 list of sports venues that every fan needs to experience and I’m glad that I got to check it off my list. First and foremost, the video screen is as advertised…enormous.
I spent about 66% of the game looking at it. That might have something to do with the fact that we didn’t get actual tickets to the game. We got party passes and had to stand on the concourse for the entirety of the game, but I snuck up to watch the game with my own eyes a few times and even walked down a level and stood in the last row for the last 5 minutes of the 3rd quarter and first 7 minutes of the 4th quarter.
The fact that the Giants came back from a 12 point deficit in the final 3:14 made my experience in the stadium that much sweeter.
Friday, December 2, 2011
That's What He Said- Chapter 3
If the title of this post looks foreign to you, then read these first.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
And now here's...
Chapter 3
“Dan, I just read your first article. I didn’t know you were so graphic!” That was just one of five or six texts concerning my first column I received on that Wednesday night as I was sitting in the office of The Stamford Advocate, where I interned as a sports writer.
I spent many hours in that office taking calls from coaches, writing game recaps, and writing feature stories about high school sporting events and athletes1. I traveled all over Fairfield County and covered high school football, soccer, and field hockey games. This experience vastly improved my writing and interviewing skills, but in doing so it also created an unforeseen problem for me. The problem being my attraction to many of the good looking high school girls that I repeatedly interviewed2. Have no fear though, my professionalism superseded my libido. I also don’t have that much game, but that’s a different story.
My responsibilities that night were very minimal. I sat around the office and waited for 7-8 high school soccer coaches to call in their results. Based on the statistics that they provided I wrote brief game recaps and typed up the accompanying box scores. That was it. I was caught off guard when my LG flip phone began vibrating more than the office phone was ringing because I didn’t know that The Mirror came out on Wednesday nights. I always assumed that it was a Thursday thing, probably because I never had any classes late on Wednesdays.
Late classes were against my method of having fun in college while still being successful academically. The unwritten weekly social calendar was arranged in such a way as to maximize the amount of drinking nights. Mondays and Wednesdays were off days, ($2)Tuesdays, (Thirsty) Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were game days, and Sundays (Fundays) were optional. While late classes were against my personal policy, so too were early classes because, like most college kids, I liked to sleep in. Therefore I always arranged my class schedule by balancing those two factors. By not starting my days too early and not ending them too late most of my classes landed in the 11 o’clock a.m. to three o’clock p.m. range. Being done with class at three o’clock afforded me with the opportunity to go to the library to finish a paper or project by five or six o’clock. That way, while the slackers and procrastinators were in the library all night, I was out partying. From what I can tell the library turned into quite the social scene on some nights, but as far as I know they never served any adult beverages there.
The general sentiments I received that night via text were what I expected; laughter combined with a little bit of shock. My friends were largely shocked because I did not necessarily give off a misogynistic aura. I was always loud and opinionated, but never to the extent where I was the life of the party. Trust me, I have much more self-respect than that.
I also wasn’t much of a womanizer. I was much more of a good guy than a bad boy when it came to girls. My plan of attack, if you could even call it that, was to become friends with a girl and attempt to take that friendship to the next level. As I hope you’ve learned, this isn’t the best course of action if you are looking to score with a large quantity of girls. My excuse is that I was looking for quality, not quantity. Whatever, it helps me sleep at night.
I understood the surprise that my friends initially felt because my persona going into senior year was not what people generally associated with the “He Said” writer. Upon hearing about my new role, one of my friends said, “I just don’t see it. It’s not your style.” I expected him to be excited, but you know what? He was right. I went to class, got good grades (graduated cum laude, what’s up?), didn’t drink beer for breakfast, and didn’t approach hooking up with girls like hurdles on a track. It should be noted that I was marginalized, by my friends no less, because I didn’t fit a stereotype.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a few butterflies in my stomach as I walked to class that Thursday. The first edition of The Mirror had saturated our campus. Issues could be found by the hundreds at the entrance and exit of just about every academic and administrative building around. I’m not sure if any other contributing writer would admit this, but the paper’s main purpose was distraction. Kids were sure to grab a copy before heading to class so that they could be entertained, if only for a few minutes. The three components of The Mirror that best served this purpose, entertainment by way of distraction, were the Campus Crime Beat, the College Crossword Puzzle, and the “He Said/She Said” column.
The Campus Crime Beat was successful because it showcased what kids were getting in trouble for on campus. Whether it was an intruder on campus, the amount of beer that was confiscated from a dorm room, or a kid caught cranking it in a computer lab3. There was also an element of humor in this section because the violations were written by Public Safety and thus put into proper terminology. This meant that the word “bong” would be replaced by “marijuana smoking device” and so on.
The College Crossword Puzzle was a syndicated piece that was strictly a time-killer during Thursday and Friday classes. I don’t even think that too many kids took the time to check and see if their answers were right the following week. I mean, you have to be really committed to a crossword puzzle to save it for an entire week just to see how well you did.
The “He Said/She Said” was widely read for its potential for humor. The first issue of the year was especially critical because there was that new sense of hope that the writers would be funny, similar to the hope that fans of all 30 teams feel on the opening day of the Major League Baseball season. In this instance, the first impression was everything.
Although I had received positive feedback from a handful of friends the previous night, I still anxiously awaited to hear how the student body would react to my first installment of truth serum. My anxiety only increased when I realized that people would soon start recognizing me because my picture was placed smack dab in between my words.
Jackie and I had been called down to the Barone Campus Center, where The Mirror’s office was located, earlier that week for a photo shoot. In years past, the picture had said a lot about the personalities of the “He Said” writers. The “He Said” writer my freshman year wore a black, short sleeve shirt with the word “College” on it. If that wasn’t playing to the stereotype, I don’t know what is. Sophomore year the “He Said” writer wore a basic long sleeve shirt and crossed his arms, presumably to hide his gut. As I’ve already discussed, the “He Said” during my junior year wore a Red Sox jersey, crossed his arms, and smirked. I wanted to sort of get into the “He Said” ‘character’ for my picture, but unfortunately this plan fell through, despite some intriguing ideas. Tim suggested that I have the picture taken of me on the toilet, pants at my ankles, while reading an issue of The Mirror. During the actual photo shoot, I suggested that Jackie get on her knees as to show the back of her head over my crotch region. She unfortunately declined.
A few days earlier I asked a fashion forward female what I should wear and her advice really put things in perspective for me. She said, “Wear something plain. That way it’ll never go out of style.” I know nothing about style or fashion, but once she said that I pictured those 1970s yearbook pictures that you always see and thought about what it would be like to look back on my picture 20 years later. Once this thought entered my mind I immediately knew what to wear: my orange Syracuse University t-shirt that was a staple of my game day attire at the Carrier Dome. Unfortunately the back of the shirt, which read “Real Men Wear Orange”, would not be shown in the picture, but I was proud of my decision either way because I’ve always been a big proponent of the advice, “remember your roots.” There’s just something about recognizing where you came from and how that environment shaped your being.
The reaction I received from the members of my class that night at the bar was overwhelmingly positive. Seemingly everyone I knew told me how much they loved my first column. Even acquaintances that I was no longer on a verbal hello level with broke from the status quo to express the enjoyment they received from reading my work. My overt explicitness seemed to be the overriding impression as many of the comments I received were centered on a few of my more daring lines. One of my male friends said, “I can’t believe you wrote leave your mark on.... or in the freshmen girls. Like you could do either.” Others were amazed by my decision to use the Grand Canyon as a way to characterize the vagina of a girl that gets around4. Drunk and reveling in my early success, I told most of the people that applauded my efforts that my first column was just a taste of what was to come. Shortly thereafter I realized that I had set the bar extremely high. I mean, I had had a few months to write and revise that first column and now I would have less than a week to churn out column number two. My uber self-confidence didn’t allow me to doubt my abilities even for a second although the hype around my column was now greatly increased. Thankfully that night and corresponding morning provided all the inspiration I would need to keep the buzz alive5.
During the first few weeks of school I had my eyes set on dating a girl in my grade named Kristen. She and I had been very into each other during the fall of our junior year, but we didn’t exactly get the chance to completely consummate our feelings because she went abroad to Australia in the spring. Kristen was short, rail thin, extremely tan, and she had huge, almost bug-like eyes. Her straight, brown hair had a few blonde streaks mixed in and it went well past her shoulders. I thought she was good looking, but detractors later told me that they thought she looked like a tired, old Asian woman.
She was guarded from the get go, but the more we hung out the more she opened up. Breaking down her walls was not an easy process. I felt like Andy Dufresne with his rock hammer at first6, but the more I chipped away the more interested I became. I soon found out that her shyness was just a defense mechanism. Behind the façade was a girl with incredible depth that was fun to be around. She was just desperate to connect with someone, but scared to open up to the wrong guy.
Although I had expected things to pick up where they left off, they didn’t. It might have had something to do with the fact that while I was at a party with Matty K at Kristen’s house in Long Island that summer I ended up hooking up with her best friend from home7. Either way, by this point she was very much into this kid that she had gotten to know while in Australia, but still had the audacity to lead me on. She was my number one target every night at the bar. After things fell through with her, which they did virtually every night, I would move on to plan B; Jackie. Now before I go on, let the record show that I was probably Jackie’s plan B (possibly even her plan C or D) just as she was mine. Having history with a girl almost guarantees one, if not many, relapse hookups. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that once a guy hooks up with a girl he knows that there is always a chance that it can happen again. Once the seed has been planted, perhaps literally, he knows that she is attainable.
That being said, Jackie and I had hooked up a few times by that point. Due to this, I spent a considerable amount of my time at the bar talking to her. Normally people would have paid no mind to our innocent dalliance, but this changed with our columns at the forefront of conversations among our classmates. That night, the first barrage of “Oh my God, It’s He Said and She Said!” ensued. I’m not sure how many people knew that we were even hooking up, but the mere sight of us together incited this mundane observation to be pointed out by far too many people.
The bar where the majority of the Fairfield senior class congregated 4-5 days a week was called The Seagrape. It was a dumpy, old, disgusting bar, but it was the only one within walking distance of the beach houses where most seniors lived. Going to The Grape, as it was commonly called, was almost like a rite of passage for Fairfield seniors. Underclassmen were welcome at beach house parties, but they were shunned if they even thought about entering The Grape.
The bar inside The Grape was rectangular in shape and right in the middle of the building, so you could get the attention or one of the bartenders from any of the 4 sides. Like most bars though, the male bartenders served every attractive female first, so you usually had to get two drinks at a time. There was an ATM by the door on the right hand side that rarely had any money in it. Opposite that was a lobster tank filled with live lobsters that you could pay $5 to attempt to scoop out with a claw as well as a Golden Tee arcade machine.
In the back right of the bar was the men’s room which had an old school, stadium style trough that got real sloppy on weekend nights. Against the back wall were two dart boards that required manual scorekeeping on small green chalk boards. The back left corner of The Grape extended awkwardly for about 20 feet. It was there where the entrance to the women’s room lived. A wooden bench stretched along the entire left wall of the bar and many people left their coats near the women’s bathroom during the winter.
As the last call bell rang that Thursday, Jackie and I stumbled our way back to her house just like we had the previous night. Her house, which she shared with three other girls, was in an area known as ‘the point.’ The point consisted of a group of 15-20 clustered houses that were the most coveted by rising seniors. This area was the most sought after because of its prime location. For starters, The Grape was right across the street, so pre and post bar parties were a plenty in these parts. There was also a spacious wooden deck connected to the four houses closest to the water that served as the party capital of Fairfield beach. In order to gain entry into the point you had to pass a gate that was always open, but ‘monitored’ by security guards that did less work than cardboard cutouts would have done. When it came to Saturday day drinking, or senior events, the point was where all the action was.
After getting some action in Jackie’s bed I made the 0.7 mile trek back to my house in the morning. Although I thought that I left her house in a socially acceptable manner (I don’t mean to suggest that I did or didn’t) leaving a girl’s place at the appropriate time is always a guessing game. Sometimes the girl wants you to stick around to cuddle, get breakfast, etc. and sometimes she wants you to leave as soon as possible. It’s a topic that’s never really talked about between people that hook up, but it certainly should be. In fact, there should be a general rule of thumb, or an agreed upon protocol to adhere to. Avoiding the awkwardness of staying too long or leaving too early is something that you’d think both parties would be concerned with. Obviously there are many variables, but waking up in bed with a chick is oftentimes sobering in more than the literal sense. Thankfully on this particular Friday morning I had the “I have to go to class” excuse in my pocket, so Jackie and I avoided any sort of pre meridiem uneasiness.
Evidently the AM etiquette was on Jackie’s mind throughout the weekend because she placed the first of many column related calls that Sunday afternoon as I was supervising a number of intramural flag football games and suggested that we write our second columns on the morning after. I ok’d the topic, but not before making a fewnot so sly comments about the morning afters that we had shared together. She said that she didn’t want us to get too personal8, which was fine by me. I had plenty of other personal experiences from which to pull from as well as a number of general observations that I wanted to share.
The hot term at the time was “walk of shame.” This phrase was meant to describe a female’s walk back to her domicile after spending the night at a lucky gentlemen’s pad. The shame not only being connected to her regrets about what and with whom she did things, but also in her being forced to walk somewhere in the same clothes that she had gone out in the night before. Seeing a girl all dolled up in high heels walking across campus or away from the point was a frequent and hysterical occurrence.
I aimed to connect with as much of my audience as possible with this column because sleeping in bed with a member of the opposite sex is something that most college kids experience. Almost everyone has been through those morning moments where all you want to do is forget about who you hooked up with, make a b line for the toilet, and fall asleep comfortably in your own bed. While most people can relate to this general awkwardness, each year of college seemed to have its own intricacies that added to the experience. Therefore I geared my words towards members of each grade to provide a year by year breakdown of the morning after.
The Mirror on September 19th, 2007:
The Morning After
Ahh the morning after. It can either be as awkward as possible or you can thrive. When you wake up, roll over and say, “Who are you?” you know you either settled for a wildabeast to break out of a slump or it was $1 pitcher night at the bar. Every guy gets that one track mind where he’ll do anything to get some and unfortunately alcohol makes wayyy too many females doable.
You know the type, better known as “the six pack” where you wouldn’t do it sober, but once you slug a few you can’t keep your paws off of her.
The worst are the chunky girls with huge knockers, or as I like to call them Heffers - yes from Rocko’s Modern Life. Doesn’t it seem as if almost all overweight women are incredibly well endowed? It’s gotta just be the fat, right? Well anyway, these jumblies blind our little man’s only eye and he can’t see all those pounds she’s packing elsewhere.
But, don’t worry guys, you gotta slay a few dragons before you get to the princess.
Freshmen- Sleeping on an all girl floor can be a recipe for disaster. And that recipe is what you left brewing in your stomach all night because you were in bed with a girl. Get out of there before your mental ticker starts counting down the seconds until the Hershey Factory opens.
Sophomores- I think the term walk of shame was created for the walk from Kostka to Jogues. Whatever you do, don’t cut through the BCC. It seems tempting, but not even Angel the maintenance man can clean you up in time where you wouldn’t get noticed.
Juniors- If you get with a girl on a futon, don't pretend you are still asleep when a house mate comes downstairs for breakfast. Say good morning and toss him the remote that was lying on your sack.
Seniors- If you don’t live at the point you better bring your road grays with you to the bar because you are going to have a heavy dose of away games this year.
And for the rest of you who haven’t experienced the awkward hookup yet, it’s the second week of school so I will go ahead and assume you know your roommates schedule better than you know your own so you can have some solo study time with your right handed tutor.
That’s all for now.....my roommate has History until 3:15.
1- I wrote an article about a sophomore running back named Silas Redd, who is currently the starting running back and best player on Penn State.
2- I came realll close to Facebooking one of them.
3- That actually happened
4- We had countless nicknames to describe girls that we didn’t know freshman year and the Grand Canyon was one of them. Some girl that lived in our building was whoring herself out in the first month of the year. Not literally, but the nickname seemed apropos. Other nicknames included “Basketball Girl”, “Walks with a purpose”, and “Fan Girl”.
5- If this thing ever gets published I’m sure this chapter will end here.
6- If you haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption (1994) then stop what you’re doing right now and go rent it. Or just turn on TNT because it airs there about 200 times a year.
7- I expected to hook up with Kristen that night, but we only made out for about 10-15 seconds because she said that there was a kid at the party that expressed feelings for her recently and she didn’t want to make him upset. As the night wound down only Matty K, Kristen’s best friend from home that “she couldn’t wait for me to meet”, and I were still partying. Matty K had a lott of whiskey, so he soon passed out, which left me and Kristen’s friend alone. For some reason we went outside and laid down on a hammock. She made the first move and we made out for a while, but I stopped and told her that I couldn’t keep going because I liked Kristen so much. After a minute past she went in for the kill again and we made out for a little while before I again stopped her and told her that I liked her best friend too much to do anything further. It should also be noted that Kristen’s best friend had a boyfriend of over a year at the time.
8- She actually took a pretty good shot at me in her column that week.
Please let me know what you thought of this chapter (and the previous two). Post a comment or send me a text, tweet, or email. The more feedback I can get the better it will be for you (and me) going forward. And when I say feedback I mean both good or bad (there's already been a little of both). If something confused you or you think needs to be explained better don't hesistate to let me know. If you particularly enjoyed something (a line, a story, a reference) then let me know.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
And now here's...
Chapter 3
“Dan, I just read your first article. I didn’t know you were so graphic!” That was just one of five or six texts concerning my first column I received on that Wednesday night as I was sitting in the office of The Stamford Advocate, where I interned as a sports writer.
I spent many hours in that office taking calls from coaches, writing game recaps, and writing feature stories about high school sporting events and athletes1. I traveled all over Fairfield County and covered high school football, soccer, and field hockey games. This experience vastly improved my writing and interviewing skills, but in doing so it also created an unforeseen problem for me. The problem being my attraction to many of the good looking high school girls that I repeatedly interviewed2. Have no fear though, my professionalism superseded my libido. I also don’t have that much game, but that’s a different story.
My responsibilities that night were very minimal. I sat around the office and waited for 7-8 high school soccer coaches to call in their results. Based on the statistics that they provided I wrote brief game recaps and typed up the accompanying box scores. That was it. I was caught off guard when my LG flip phone began vibrating more than the office phone was ringing because I didn’t know that The Mirror came out on Wednesday nights. I always assumed that it was a Thursday thing, probably because I never had any classes late on Wednesdays.
Late classes were against my method of having fun in college while still being successful academically. The unwritten weekly social calendar was arranged in such a way as to maximize the amount of drinking nights. Mondays and Wednesdays were off days, ($2)Tuesdays, (Thirsty) Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were game days, and Sundays (Fundays) were optional. While late classes were against my personal policy, so too were early classes because, like most college kids, I liked to sleep in. Therefore I always arranged my class schedule by balancing those two factors. By not starting my days too early and not ending them too late most of my classes landed in the 11 o’clock a.m. to three o’clock p.m. range. Being done with class at three o’clock afforded me with the opportunity to go to the library to finish a paper or project by five or six o’clock. That way, while the slackers and procrastinators were in the library all night, I was out partying. From what I can tell the library turned into quite the social scene on some nights, but as far as I know they never served any adult beverages there.
The general sentiments I received that night via text were what I expected; laughter combined with a little bit of shock. My friends were largely shocked because I did not necessarily give off a misogynistic aura. I was always loud and opinionated, but never to the extent where I was the life of the party. Trust me, I have much more self-respect than that.
I also wasn’t much of a womanizer. I was much more of a good guy than a bad boy when it came to girls. My plan of attack, if you could even call it that, was to become friends with a girl and attempt to take that friendship to the next level. As I hope you’ve learned, this isn’t the best course of action if you are looking to score with a large quantity of girls. My excuse is that I was looking for quality, not quantity. Whatever, it helps me sleep at night.
I understood the surprise that my friends initially felt because my persona going into senior year was not what people generally associated with the “He Said” writer. Upon hearing about my new role, one of my friends said, “I just don’t see it. It’s not your style.” I expected him to be excited, but you know what? He was right. I went to class, got good grades (graduated cum laude, what’s up?), didn’t drink beer for breakfast, and didn’t approach hooking up with girls like hurdles on a track. It should be noted that I was marginalized, by my friends no less, because I didn’t fit a stereotype.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a few butterflies in my stomach as I walked to class that Thursday. The first edition of The Mirror had saturated our campus. Issues could be found by the hundreds at the entrance and exit of just about every academic and administrative building around. I’m not sure if any other contributing writer would admit this, but the paper’s main purpose was distraction. Kids were sure to grab a copy before heading to class so that they could be entertained, if only for a few minutes. The three components of The Mirror that best served this purpose, entertainment by way of distraction, were the Campus Crime Beat, the College Crossword Puzzle, and the “He Said/She Said” column.
The Campus Crime Beat was successful because it showcased what kids were getting in trouble for on campus. Whether it was an intruder on campus, the amount of beer that was confiscated from a dorm room, or a kid caught cranking it in a computer lab3. There was also an element of humor in this section because the violations were written by Public Safety and thus put into proper terminology. This meant that the word “bong” would be replaced by “marijuana smoking device” and so on.
The College Crossword Puzzle was a syndicated piece that was strictly a time-killer during Thursday and Friday classes. I don’t even think that too many kids took the time to check and see if their answers were right the following week. I mean, you have to be really committed to a crossword puzzle to save it for an entire week just to see how well you did.
The “He Said/She Said” was widely read for its potential for humor. The first issue of the year was especially critical because there was that new sense of hope that the writers would be funny, similar to the hope that fans of all 30 teams feel on the opening day of the Major League Baseball season. In this instance, the first impression was everything.
Although I had received positive feedback from a handful of friends the previous night, I still anxiously awaited to hear how the student body would react to my first installment of truth serum. My anxiety only increased when I realized that people would soon start recognizing me because my picture was placed smack dab in between my words.
Jackie and I had been called down to the Barone Campus Center, where The Mirror’s office was located, earlier that week for a photo shoot. In years past, the picture had said a lot about the personalities of the “He Said” writers. The “He Said” writer my freshman year wore a black, short sleeve shirt with the word “College” on it. If that wasn’t playing to the stereotype, I don’t know what is. Sophomore year the “He Said” writer wore a basic long sleeve shirt and crossed his arms, presumably to hide his gut. As I’ve already discussed, the “He Said” during my junior year wore a Red Sox jersey, crossed his arms, and smirked. I wanted to sort of get into the “He Said” ‘character’ for my picture, but unfortunately this plan fell through, despite some intriguing ideas. Tim suggested that I have the picture taken of me on the toilet, pants at my ankles, while reading an issue of The Mirror. During the actual photo shoot, I suggested that Jackie get on her knees as to show the back of her head over my crotch region. She unfortunately declined.
A few days earlier I asked a fashion forward female what I should wear and her advice really put things in perspective for me. She said, “Wear something plain. That way it’ll never go out of style.” I know nothing about style or fashion, but once she said that I pictured those 1970s yearbook pictures that you always see and thought about what it would be like to look back on my picture 20 years later. Once this thought entered my mind I immediately knew what to wear: my orange Syracuse University t-shirt that was a staple of my game day attire at the Carrier Dome. Unfortunately the back of the shirt, which read “Real Men Wear Orange”, would not be shown in the picture, but I was proud of my decision either way because I’ve always been a big proponent of the advice, “remember your roots.” There’s just something about recognizing where you came from and how that environment shaped your being.
The reaction I received from the members of my class that night at the bar was overwhelmingly positive. Seemingly everyone I knew told me how much they loved my first column. Even acquaintances that I was no longer on a verbal hello level with broke from the status quo to express the enjoyment they received from reading my work. My overt explicitness seemed to be the overriding impression as many of the comments I received were centered on a few of my more daring lines. One of my male friends said, “I can’t believe you wrote leave your mark on.... or in the freshmen girls. Like you could do either.” Others were amazed by my decision to use the Grand Canyon as a way to characterize the vagina of a girl that gets around4. Drunk and reveling in my early success, I told most of the people that applauded my efforts that my first column was just a taste of what was to come. Shortly thereafter I realized that I had set the bar extremely high. I mean, I had had a few months to write and revise that first column and now I would have less than a week to churn out column number two. My uber self-confidence didn’t allow me to doubt my abilities even for a second although the hype around my column was now greatly increased. Thankfully that night and corresponding morning provided all the inspiration I would need to keep the buzz alive5.
During the first few weeks of school I had my eyes set on dating a girl in my grade named Kristen. She and I had been very into each other during the fall of our junior year, but we didn’t exactly get the chance to completely consummate our feelings because she went abroad to Australia in the spring. Kristen was short, rail thin, extremely tan, and she had huge, almost bug-like eyes. Her straight, brown hair had a few blonde streaks mixed in and it went well past her shoulders. I thought she was good looking, but detractors later told me that they thought she looked like a tired, old Asian woman.
She was guarded from the get go, but the more we hung out the more she opened up. Breaking down her walls was not an easy process. I felt like Andy Dufresne with his rock hammer at first6, but the more I chipped away the more interested I became. I soon found out that her shyness was just a defense mechanism. Behind the façade was a girl with incredible depth that was fun to be around. She was just desperate to connect with someone, but scared to open up to the wrong guy.
Although I had expected things to pick up where they left off, they didn’t. It might have had something to do with the fact that while I was at a party with Matty K at Kristen’s house in Long Island that summer I ended up hooking up with her best friend from home7. Either way, by this point she was very much into this kid that she had gotten to know while in Australia, but still had the audacity to lead me on. She was my number one target every night at the bar. After things fell through with her, which they did virtually every night, I would move on to plan B; Jackie. Now before I go on, let the record show that I was probably Jackie’s plan B (possibly even her plan C or D) just as she was mine. Having history with a girl almost guarantees one, if not many, relapse hookups. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that once a guy hooks up with a girl he knows that there is always a chance that it can happen again. Once the seed has been planted, perhaps literally, he knows that she is attainable.
That being said, Jackie and I had hooked up a few times by that point. Due to this, I spent a considerable amount of my time at the bar talking to her. Normally people would have paid no mind to our innocent dalliance, but this changed with our columns at the forefront of conversations among our classmates. That night, the first barrage of “Oh my God, It’s He Said and She Said!” ensued. I’m not sure how many people knew that we were even hooking up, but the mere sight of us together incited this mundane observation to be pointed out by far too many people.
The bar where the majority of the Fairfield senior class congregated 4-5 days a week was called The Seagrape. It was a dumpy, old, disgusting bar, but it was the only one within walking distance of the beach houses where most seniors lived. Going to The Grape, as it was commonly called, was almost like a rite of passage for Fairfield seniors. Underclassmen were welcome at beach house parties, but they were shunned if they even thought about entering The Grape.
The bar inside The Grape was rectangular in shape and right in the middle of the building, so you could get the attention or one of the bartenders from any of the 4 sides. Like most bars though, the male bartenders served every attractive female first, so you usually had to get two drinks at a time. There was an ATM by the door on the right hand side that rarely had any money in it. Opposite that was a lobster tank filled with live lobsters that you could pay $5 to attempt to scoop out with a claw as well as a Golden Tee arcade machine.
In the back right of the bar was the men’s room which had an old school, stadium style trough that got real sloppy on weekend nights. Against the back wall were two dart boards that required manual scorekeeping on small green chalk boards. The back left corner of The Grape extended awkwardly for about 20 feet. It was there where the entrance to the women’s room lived. A wooden bench stretched along the entire left wall of the bar and many people left their coats near the women’s bathroom during the winter.
As the last call bell rang that Thursday, Jackie and I stumbled our way back to her house just like we had the previous night. Her house, which she shared with three other girls, was in an area known as ‘the point.’ The point consisted of a group of 15-20 clustered houses that were the most coveted by rising seniors. This area was the most sought after because of its prime location. For starters, The Grape was right across the street, so pre and post bar parties were a plenty in these parts. There was also a spacious wooden deck connected to the four houses closest to the water that served as the party capital of Fairfield beach. In order to gain entry into the point you had to pass a gate that was always open, but ‘monitored’ by security guards that did less work than cardboard cutouts would have done. When it came to Saturday day drinking, or senior events, the point was where all the action was.
After getting some action in Jackie’s bed I made the 0.7 mile trek back to my house in the morning. Although I thought that I left her house in a socially acceptable manner (I don’t mean to suggest that I did or didn’t) leaving a girl’s place at the appropriate time is always a guessing game. Sometimes the girl wants you to stick around to cuddle, get breakfast, etc. and sometimes she wants you to leave as soon as possible. It’s a topic that’s never really talked about between people that hook up, but it certainly should be. In fact, there should be a general rule of thumb, or an agreed upon protocol to adhere to. Avoiding the awkwardness of staying too long or leaving too early is something that you’d think both parties would be concerned with. Obviously there are many variables, but waking up in bed with a chick is oftentimes sobering in more than the literal sense. Thankfully on this particular Friday morning I had the “I have to go to class” excuse in my pocket, so Jackie and I avoided any sort of pre meridiem uneasiness.
Evidently the AM etiquette was on Jackie’s mind throughout the weekend because she placed the first of many column related calls that Sunday afternoon as I was supervising a number of intramural flag football games and suggested that we write our second columns on the morning after. I ok’d the topic, but not before making a few
The hot term at the time was “walk of shame.” This phrase was meant to describe a female’s walk back to her domicile after spending the night at a lucky gentlemen’s pad. The shame not only being connected to her regrets about what and with whom she did things, but also in her being forced to walk somewhere in the same clothes that she had gone out in the night before. Seeing a girl all dolled up in high heels walking across campus or away from the point was a frequent and hysterical occurrence.
I aimed to connect with as much of my audience as possible with this column because sleeping in bed with a member of the opposite sex is something that most college kids experience. Almost everyone has been through those morning moments where all you want to do is forget about who you hooked up with, make a b line for the toilet, and fall asleep comfortably in your own bed. While most people can relate to this general awkwardness, each year of college seemed to have its own intricacies that added to the experience. Therefore I geared my words towards members of each grade to provide a year by year breakdown of the morning after.
The Mirror on September 19th, 2007:
The Morning After
Ahh the morning after. It can either be as awkward as possible or you can thrive. When you wake up, roll over and say, “Who are you?” you know you either settled for a wildabeast to break out of a slump or it was $1 pitcher night at the bar. Every guy gets that one track mind where he’ll do anything to get some and unfortunately alcohol makes wayyy too many females doable.
You know the type, better known as “the six pack” where you wouldn’t do it sober, but once you slug a few you can’t keep your paws off of her.
The worst are the chunky girls with huge knockers, or as I like to call them Heffers - yes from Rocko’s Modern Life. Doesn’t it seem as if almost all overweight women are incredibly well endowed? It’s gotta just be the fat, right? Well anyway, these jumblies blind our little man’s only eye and he can’t see all those pounds she’s packing elsewhere.
But, don’t worry guys, you gotta slay a few dragons before you get to the princess.
Freshmen- Sleeping on an all girl floor can be a recipe for disaster. And that recipe is what you left brewing in your stomach all night because you were in bed with a girl. Get out of there before your mental ticker starts counting down the seconds until the Hershey Factory opens.
Sophomores- I think the term walk of shame was created for the walk from Kostka to Jogues. Whatever you do, don’t cut through the BCC. It seems tempting, but not even Angel the maintenance man can clean you up in time where you wouldn’t get noticed.
Juniors- If you get with a girl on a futon, don't pretend you are still asleep when a house mate comes downstairs for breakfast. Say good morning and toss him the remote that was lying on your sack.
Seniors- If you don’t live at the point you better bring your road grays with you to the bar because you are going to have a heavy dose of away games this year.
And for the rest of you who haven’t experienced the awkward hookup yet, it’s the second week of school so I will go ahead and assume you know your roommates schedule better than you know your own so you can have some solo study time with your right handed tutor.
That’s all for now.....my roommate has History until 3:15.
1- I wrote an article about a sophomore running back named Silas Redd, who is currently the starting running back and best player on Penn State.
2- I came realll close to Facebooking one of them.
3- That actually happened
4- We had countless nicknames to describe girls that we didn’t know freshman year and the Grand Canyon was one of them. Some girl that lived in our building was whoring herself out in the first month of the year. Not literally, but the nickname seemed apropos. Other nicknames included “Basketball Girl”, “Walks with a purpose”, and “Fan Girl”.
5- If this thing ever gets published I’m sure this chapter will end here.
6- If you haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption (1994) then stop what you’re doing right now and go rent it. Or just turn on TNT because it airs there about 200 times a year.
7- I expected to hook up with Kristen that night, but we only made out for about 10-15 seconds because she said that there was a kid at the party that expressed feelings for her recently and she didn’t want to make him upset. As the night wound down only Matty K, Kristen’s best friend from home that “she couldn’t wait for me to meet”, and I were still partying. Matty K had a lott of whiskey, so he soon passed out, which left me and Kristen’s friend alone. For some reason we went outside and laid down on a hammock. She made the first move and we made out for a while, but I stopped and told her that I couldn’t keep going because I liked Kristen so much. After a minute past she went in for the kill again and we made out for a little while before I again stopped her and told her that I liked her best friend too much to do anything further. It should also be noted that Kristen’s best friend had a boyfriend of over a year at the time.
8- She actually took a pretty good shot at me in her column that week.
Please let me know what you thought of this chapter (and the previous two). Post a comment or send me a text, tweet, or email. The more feedback I can get the better it will be for you (and me) going forward. And when I say feedback I mean both good or bad (there's already been a little of both). If something confused you or you think needs to be explained better don't hesistate to let me know. If you particularly enjoyed something (a line, a story, a reference) then let me know.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Bracket Fever
I know it’s still November, but I already have bracket fever. 1.) The Syracuse Orange have already won their first tournament of the year (Preseason NIT) and 2.) About a month ago I was tasked with coming up with a bracket idea for work because our sales team wanted to go out and sell it. My idea? A 64 team tournament of comedic films that will answer the question, “What is the funniest movie of all time?” We will conduct the tournament during March Madness (the winner will be declared via online voting), but now I have to figure out what movies make the field and what seed they should all be. In case you were wondering, I did not include any sequels. In fact, most comedic sequels suck anyway. Below is what I came up with, but any input would be appreciated.
First the seeds…
1- Caddyshack (1980)
1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
2- Airplane (1980)
2- Animal House (1978)
2- Tommy Boy (1995)
2- The Hangover (2009)
3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
3- Old School (2003)
3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
3- Billy Madison (1995)
4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
4- Meet the Parents (2000)
4- Big Daddy (1999)
5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
5- Superbad (2007)
5- The Naked Gun (1988)
5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
6- Zoolander (2001)
6- Wayne’s World (1992)
6- Ghostbusters (1984)
6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
7- Groundhog Day (1993)
7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
7- American Pie (1999)
7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
8- Half Baked (1998)
8- Spaceballs (1987)
8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)
9- Office Space (1999)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
10- Major League (1989)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)
11- Coming to America (1988)
11- Beerfest (2006)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
12- Step Brothers (2008)
12- Super Troopers (2001)
12- Black Sheep (1996)
12- Friday (1995)
13- The Break Up (2006)
13- Stripes (1981)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
14- Kingpin (1996)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)
14- Road Trip (2000)
15- Dirty Work (1998)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)
LAST FOUR IN
16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)
16- Hall Pass (2011)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
FIRST FOUR OUT
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Starsky and Hutch(2004)
Planes, Trains, & Automobiles (1987)
Team America: World Police (2004)
NEXT FOUR OUT
Swingers (1996)
BASEketball (1998)
Van Wilder (2002)
Saving Silverman (2001)
OUT
The Waterboy (1998)
The Cable Guy (1996)
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Waiting (2005)
Big (1988)
Along Came Polly (2004)
Scary Movie (2000)
And now the matchups…
Happy/Madison Region (top left)
1- Caddyshack (1980)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)
5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
12- Friday (1995)
4- Big Daddy (1999)
13- The Break Up (2006)
3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
14- Road Trip (2000)
6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)
7- Groundhog Day (1993)
10- Major League (1989)
2- The Hangover (2009)
15- Dirty Work (1998)
The Farrelly Brothers Region (bottom left)
1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)
8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
9- Office Space (1999)
5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
12- Step Brothers (2008)
4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
14- Kingpin (1996)
6- Zoolander (2001)
11- Coming to America (1988)
7- American Pie (1999)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)
2- Airplane (1980)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)
The National Lampoon’s Region (top right)
1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
16- Hall Pass (2011)
8- Spaceballs (1987)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)
5- Superbad (2007)
12- Super Troopers (2001)
4- Meet the Parents (2000)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)
3- Old School (2003)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)
6- Wayne’s World (1992)
11- Beerfest (2006)
7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
2- Tommy Boy (1995)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)
The Judd Apatow Region (bottom right)
1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)
8- Half Baked (1998)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)
5- The Naked Gun (1988)
12- Black Sheep (1996)
4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
13- Stripes (1981)
3- Billy Madison (1995)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
6- Ghostbusters (1984)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)
2- Animal House (1978)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
If you think I snubbed a movie or any of my seeds are grossly unfair please let me know and I will re-evaluate.
By the way, based on how I've arranged the bracket I think my Final Four would be Talladega Nights, Wedding Crashers, Tommy Boy, and Billy Madison
First the seeds…
1- Caddyshack (1980)
1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
2- Airplane (1980)
2- Animal House (1978)
2- Tommy Boy (1995)
2- The Hangover (2009)
3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
3- Old School (2003)
3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
3- Billy Madison (1995)
4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
4- Meet the Parents (2000)
4- Big Daddy (1999)
5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
5- Superbad (2007)
5- The Naked Gun (1988)
5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
6- Zoolander (2001)
6- Wayne’s World (1992)
6- Ghostbusters (1984)
6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
7- Groundhog Day (1993)
7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
7- American Pie (1999)
7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
8- Half Baked (1998)
8- Spaceballs (1987)
8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)
9- Office Space (1999)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
10- Major League (1989)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)
11- Coming to America (1988)
11- Beerfest (2006)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
12- Step Brothers (2008)
12- Super Troopers (2001)
12- Black Sheep (1996)
12- Friday (1995)
13- The Break Up (2006)
13- Stripes (1981)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
14- Kingpin (1996)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)
14- Road Trip (2000)
15- Dirty Work (1998)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)
LAST FOUR IN
16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)
16- Hall Pass (2011)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
FIRST FOUR OUT
Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)
Starsky and Hutch(2004)
Planes, Trains, & Automobiles (1987)
Team America: World Police (2004)
NEXT FOUR OUT
Swingers (1996)
BASEketball (1998)
Van Wilder (2002)
Saving Silverman (2001)
OUT
The Waterboy (1998)
The Cable Guy (1996)
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Waiting (2005)
Big (1988)
Along Came Polly (2004)
Scary Movie (2000)
And now the matchups…
Happy/Madison Region (top left)
1- Caddyshack (1980)
16- Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
8- The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
9- Clerks (1994)
5- Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)
12- Friday (1995)
4- Big Daddy (1999)
13- The Break Up (2006)
3- Blazing Saddles (1974)
14- Road Trip (2000)
6- The Big Lebowski (1998)
11- Liar, Liar (1997)
7- Groundhog Day (1993)
10- Major League (1989)
2- The Hangover (2009)
15- Dirty Work (1998)
The Farrelly Brothers Region (bottom left)
1- Wedding Crashers (2005)
16- South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1997)
8- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
9- Office Space (1999)
5- Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
12- Step Brothers (2008)
4- Happy Gilmore (1996)
13- The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
3- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
14- Kingpin (1996)
6- Zoolander (2001)
11- Coming to America (1988)
7- American Pie (1999)
10- Christmas Vacation (1989)
2- Airplane (1980)
15- I Love You, Man (2009)
The National Lampoon’s Region (top right)
1- Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)
16- Hall Pass (2011)
8- Spaceballs (1987)
9- The Nutty Professor (1996)
5- Superbad (2007)
12- Super Troopers (2001)
4- Meet the Parents (2000)
13- Bridesmaids (2011)
3- Old School (2003)
14- A Christmas Story (1983)
6- Wayne’s World (1992)
11- Beerfest (2006)
7- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
10- Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)
2- Tommy Boy (1995)
15- Pineapple Express (2008)
The Judd Apatow Region (bottom right)
1- Dumb and Dumber (1994)
16- Grandma’s Boy (2006)
8- Half Baked (1998)
9- The Blues Brothers (1980)
5- The Naked Gun (1988)
12- Black Sheep (1996)
4- Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
13- Stripes (1981)
3- Billy Madison (1995)
14- Harold &Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)
6- Ghostbusters (1984)
11- Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
7- There’s Something About Mary (1998)
10- Tropic Thunder (2008)
2- Animal House (1978)
15- Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
If you think I snubbed a movie or any of my seeds are grossly unfair please let me know and I will re-evaluate.
By the way, based on how I've arranged the bracket I think my Final Four would be Talladega Nights, Wedding Crashers, Tommy Boy, and Billy Madison
Monday, November 14, 2011
Ph(r)ase Out
I like to think of myself as a glass half full kind of person, but there are a lottt of things that bother me. Whether it's the individual actions of people or the rules that govern our society I'm easily annoyed. What better place to vent some of my frustrations than right here. Below are 10 words/phrases that are overused, outdated, and annoying. I'm sure I could add about 50 others, but these have really grinded my gears of late.
Occupy _____ - Just stop now. Please. No one is laughing. I’m even at the point where I’m against something this mock tweet, “Taking a 20 minute dump at work. #OccupyTheStall”
I’m just saying- I hatttte when people say this phrase like it admonishes them of saying something dumb. “I’m just saying” is not a legitimate excuse for being a tool (also an overused phrase). Plus, I heard you say what you said so saying “I’m just saying” does not reinforce your point it just reinforces how stupid your original comment was. A guy at work (who is actually a real cool dude) says, “I’m not saying. I’m just saying,” allll the time. Which one is it?
I hope all is well- I used to say/write this all the time until my buddy Matty K told me how much it bothered him to see other people use it so freely. I have since tried to stay away from using it because I agree that it’s overused, meaningless, and annoying. Matty K recently emailed me this tweet from comedian Colin Kane: @ColinKane When writing emails today, I challenge you to replace "Hope all is well" with "Fuck off and choke on a dick."
Wait, really?...Really?- Yes. Don’t act so surprised. Your faux disbelief is about as annoying as how I just used the word faux.
Literally- Unless you’re Chris Traeger (Rob Lowe) from Parks and Recreation I suggest that you stop using this word altogether. I hate when people say/write the word “literally” mainly because it’s rarely used properly. It was once used to add a hint of sarcasm while embellishing. For example in the phrase, “I could literally eat an entire cow right now.” Saying “I could eat an entire cow right now” is an embellishment and adding “literally” implies that you’re serious, but you’re clearly not. The effect of this sarcasm wore off more than a decade ago. Unfortunately under educated people still use “literally” in instances like this and it bothers me greatly. Saying, “I literally want to kill myself right now” means that you’re suicidal. Just write what you really mean. “I’m really upset about something (that’s probably innocuous) and I want my friends to give me comfort.”
It is what it is- I’ve definitely used this phrase to signify my passive acceptance of something, but it’s lazy and unoriginal. Saying “it is what it is” means that you either don’t have the power to change something or that you don’t have the mental capacity to form an opinion.
Can I get a RT?- This is just flat out embarrassing. It’s like begging for pity. Why don’t you think of something witty to say to a celebrity that you follow on Twitter and hope that he/she re-tweets it. I dislike this desperation tactic so much that I'm adding it to my hate list.
Like us on Facebook- I like nothing on Facebook unless someone I know keeps asking me to like a company they run or work for.
Thrown under the bus- It’s amazing that this phrase is used so broadly when everything nowadays has to be politically correct. It’s used so often that no one stops and thinks about how graphic the image of throwing someone under the bus actually is. We’ve become desensitized to it, but still cringe if someone says something like, “Kicked the chair out from underneath him”.
Gone viral- We need a new phrase to explain how a story/video/tweet/etc. has made the rounds on all media platforms because I’m done with this one.
Occupy _____ - Just stop now. Please. No one is laughing. I’m even at the point where I’m against something this mock tweet, “Taking a 20 minute dump at work. #OccupyTheStall”
I’m just saying- I hatttte when people say this phrase like it admonishes them of saying something dumb. “I’m just saying” is not a legitimate excuse for being a tool (also an overused phrase). Plus, I heard you say what you said so saying “I’m just saying” does not reinforce your point it just reinforces how stupid your original comment was. A guy at work (who is actually a real cool dude) says, “I’m not saying. I’m just saying,” allll the time. Which one is it?
I hope all is well- I used to say/write this all the time until my buddy Matty K told me how much it bothered him to see other people use it so freely. I have since tried to stay away from using it because I agree that it’s overused, meaningless, and annoying. Matty K recently emailed me this tweet from comedian Colin Kane: @ColinKane When writing emails today, I challenge you to replace "Hope all is well" with "Fuck off and choke on a dick."
Wait, really?...Really?- Yes. Don’t act so surprised. Your faux disbelief is about as annoying as how I just used the word faux.
Literally- Unless you’re Chris Traeger (Rob Lowe) from Parks and Recreation I suggest that you stop using this word altogether. I hate when people say/write the word “literally” mainly because it’s rarely used properly. It was once used to add a hint of sarcasm while embellishing. For example in the phrase, “I could literally eat an entire cow right now.” Saying “I could eat an entire cow right now” is an embellishment and adding “literally” implies that you’re serious, but you’re clearly not. The effect of this sarcasm wore off more than a decade ago. Unfortunately under educated people still use “literally” in instances like this and it bothers me greatly. Saying, “I literally want to kill myself right now” means that you’re suicidal. Just write what you really mean. “I’m really upset about something (that’s probably innocuous) and I want my friends to give me comfort.”
It is what it is- I’ve definitely used this phrase to signify my passive acceptance of something, but it’s lazy and unoriginal. Saying “it is what it is” means that you either don’t have the power to change something or that you don’t have the mental capacity to form an opinion.
Can I get a RT?- This is just flat out embarrassing. It’s like begging for pity. Why don’t you think of something witty to say to a celebrity that you follow on Twitter and hope that he/she re-tweets it. I dislike this desperation tactic so much that I'm adding it to my hate list.
Like us on Facebook- I like nothing on Facebook unless someone I know keeps asking me to like a company they run or work for.
Thrown under the bus- It’s amazing that this phrase is used so broadly when everything nowadays has to be politically correct. It’s used so often that no one stops and thinks about how graphic the image of throwing someone under the bus actually is. We’ve become desensitized to it, but still cringe if someone says something like, “Kicked the chair out from underneath him”.
Gone viral- We need a new phrase to explain how a story/video/tweet/etc. has made the rounds on all media platforms because I’m done with this one.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Top 25- Actors
I always used to say that Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio were 1 and 1A when it comes to male actors. I still think the world of them both, but I don’t think it’s accurate to put them on that kind of pedestal. Case in point, Denzel hasn’t been in a good movie since Dejavu (2007) and that’s a stretch and DiCaprio has never, I repeat never, won an Academy Award. That said, I think it’s time that I accurately rank the best actors in Hollywood much like I’ve ranked the best actresses twice.
Here are the criteria that I will use:
-Talent- How good of an actor are you? Can you play multiple roles? Have you been typecast? Do your performances stand out and have a lasting impact?
-Prestige- Is your name big enough to sell a movie? Does your acting resume stack up? Have you been nominated for, or won, big time awards?
-Exposure- Do I know who your wife/girlfriend is? If so, how hot is she? Are you all over the tabloid magazines? How much are you in the public eye?
-Wealth- What kind of price tag do you have on you? What do you make per movie?
-Recent Activity- What have you done for me lately? When I hear your name can I easily recall the most recent movie that you've been in? If so, was that movie successful?
Top 25
1.) George Clooney- I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone that doesn’t like Clooney. He’s as big of a big wig as there is in Hollywood. He’s all over the news whenever it comes to actors contributing to disaster relief efforts. It’s almost unfathomable because he’s been around for so long, but I would argue that Clooney is still in his prime. His acting resume just keeps getting better. He’s been nominated for Best Actor twice (Michael Clayton (2008), Up in the Air (2010) and should garner another nom for The Descendants (2011), he’s won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (Syriana (2005)), and he’s directed some quality films in Good Night, and Good Luck (2005) and this year’s political thriller The Ides of March (2011).
Clooney also deserves a lot of credit for his dating resume. He wisely dates attractive women that are only tangibly famous. He’s always the more famous one in the relationship, so when he runs through girlfriend after girlfriend there is no sob story from the ex because people only her as the girl that dated Clooney.
The perfect illustration of Clooney’s power and fame involves his new girlfriend and former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler. Kebiler, who I want to say was also on Dancing With The Stars, has an appearance fee of $10,000 (absurd, I know). Basically she gets paid 10 large to show up to events and be hot (she has legs for days). Since she started dating Clooney her attendance fee has increased to $25,000. That means that Stacy Keibler became 150% more famous only because Clooney’s taking her to Pound Town.
2.) Leonardo DiCaprio- Not exactly a huge drop from 1 or 1A, but as I noted earlier, Leo’s biggest weakness is that he’s never taken home the hardware at The Oscars. He’s been nominated twice for Best Actor and once for Best Supporting Actor, but has never really been in the discussion to win. It’s almost hard to believe because DiCaprio rarely swings and misses. He once ran off the following stretch in consecutive order.
Gangs of New York (2002)- nominated for Best Picture
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Aviator (2004)- Best Actor nomination
The Departed (2006)- won Best Picture
Blood Diamond (2006)- Best Actor nomination
His only real flop was Revolutionary Road (2008) in which he starred alongside Kate Winslet, and I actually thought it was a pretty good movie. He should garner another Best Actor nom for his portrayal of the first director of the FBI in the biopic J. Edgar (2011), but I don’t think that he’ll win. Leo is like the Indianapolis Colts from 1999-2006. They were always good, sometimes dominant, but they could never win the big one.
While Leo has never won the big one for his work on the silver screen he’s more than made up for it with his work off of the screen. He dated various models and actresses in the 90’s, but what he’s done in the past 10 years is virtually unprecedented. He dated supermodel and current Mrs. Tom Brady Giselle Bundchen from 2001-2005 when she was probably the most attractive woman in the world, then moved on to the woman that took her place in supermodel Bar Refaeli and dated her from 2005 until May of this year.
Since May Leo reportedly dated up and coming smokeshow actress Blake Lively.
3.) Brad Pitt- First and foremost, he was married to the woman that’s #2 on my list of actresses, but he upgraded and he’s now married to the woman that’s #1. Pitt has mellowed in the past few years, but he’s often thought of as one of the rock star actors. His celebrity has been off the charts for years. What gets lost in the shuffle of Pitt’s good looks and female conquests is that he’s actually a pretty good actor. He’s not great or transcendent by any means, but he’s certainly above average. He’s been nominated for two Oscars, most recently for Best Actor for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008), and he’ll most likely be nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Billy Beane in Moneyball (2011).
4.) Sean Penn- Penn is a polished actor who’s seemingly done it all over the course of his career. From comedy (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) to mentally challenged (I Am Sam) to high drama (Mystic River) his range is just incredible. He’s the only man to win Best Actor more than once since Tom Hanks in the mid 90’s.
He’s also been married to Madonna and Robin Wright (Jenny in Forrest Gump), he’s dated Jewel, and he’s been spotted with Scarlett Johanssen. On top of all of that Penn is like the Bono of actors when it comes to political and social causes.
5.) Matt Damon- Damon is just incredibly likeable. He was the bad guy in The Departed (2006) and the first time I saw the movie I found myself rooting for him. He’s perhaps best known for his breakout performance in Good Will Hunting (1998) and The Bourne trilogy, but he’s been in plenty of other quality films. For example, Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Syriana (2005), True Grit (2010), and I really liked his performance in The Adjustment Bureau (2011).
6.) Colin Firth- His name doesn’t carry a lot of cachet, but the good natured Brit has been nominated for Best Actor in back to back years including a win for his role in The King’s Speech last year.
7.) Denzel Washington- My man. Denzel, where have you been lately? His work in Training Day (2001) and Man on Fire (2004) is iconic, but the best African American actor of all time will continue to slide down these ranking unless he gets it going again.
8.) Ryan Gosling- He’s come a long way since The Notebook (2004). You know that Gosling’s acting ability is legitimate because he’s gotten recognition for his work in indie films. He’s never really had a huge production firm totting his work. He was nominated for Best Actor in 2007 for playing a high school teacher who smokes pot in Half Nelson and he was one of the biggest Oscar snubs last year for playing a deadbeat husband opposite Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine (2010). He’s also having a great 2011 starring in the critically acclaimed action film Drive as well as playing the lead in George Clooney’s political thriller The Ides of March.
To top it all off he's reportedly been dating the sultry Eva Mendes.
9.) Javier Bardem- Bardem seemingly came out of nowhere, but it doesn’t look like he’s going away anytime soon.
He fathered a child this year with his smoking hot wife Penelope Cruz, he won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 2008 (No Country for Old Men), and he was nominated for Best Actor for his work in a film that not many people, including me, have seen (Biutiful).
10.) Johnny Depp- People love Johnny Depp. I am not one of them. Either way he gets paid a boatload of money for every movie he stars in and the public remains fascinated with him regardless of the quality of his work. He is unquestionably one of the most elite actors in Hollywood.
11.) Christian Bale- He can be the lead in a movie (American Pscyho), he can serve his purpose in a movie (The Dark Knight), and he can steal a movie with one of the best performances that I’ve ever seen (The Fighter). He’s also a hot head that I often forget is from across the pond.
12.) Jeff Bridges- What a resurgence for the dude. Bridges won Best Actor in 2010 for his role in Crazy Heart and followed it up with another Oscar nomination for Best Actor this year for his role in True Grit.
13.) Philip Seymour Hoffman- He’s won an Oscar for Best Actor (Capote), but he’s at his best in a supporting role. He was hysterical in Along Came Polly (2004), great in Oscar nominated roles in Charlie Wilson’s War (2007) and Doubt (2008), and I expect him to be fantastic in Moneyball (2011) and The Ides of March (2011).
14.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt- I hatttted him when he was on 3rd Rock From the Sun. In fact, I hated 3rd Rock From the Sun. Gordon-Levitt has come a long way since then, though. He was outstanding in (500) Days of Summer and Inception and I’ve heard nothing but positives from 50/50.
15.) Jeremy Renner- I can’t say that I’m a big fan of Renner. It’s not that I don’t like him, but the Academy seems to love him and I can’t figure it out. He was nominated for Best Actor for his role in The Hurt Locker (2009) and nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his role in The Town (2010).
16.) Robert Downey, Jr.- The only member of the Brat Pack that’s still relevant. Downey, Jr. partied hard through the 80’s, got hooked on drugs in the 90’s, and now he’s back and better than ever.
17.) Mark Wahlberg- I still can’t get over the fact that he originally broke onto the scene as a rapper, but Wahlberg has worked tirelessly to reinvent himself on multiple occasions.
18.) Ben Affleck- Don’t ask me why, but I’ve always been a huge fan of Affleck. He also gets bonus points for being married to Jennifer Garner.
19.) Viggo Mortensen- Easily the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He was awesome as Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, amazing in A History of Violence (2005), and electric in his Oscar nominated role in Eastern Promises (2008).
20.) James Franco- Franco has some serious talent and he’s driven to excel across multiple platforms. He was horrendous as a co-host of The Oscars, but his future is still bright.
21.) Liam Neeson- He’s 59 years old and I think it’s safe to say that he’s the best action star going right now.
22.) Bradley Cooper- He’s been everywhere since his breakout performance as Sack in Wedding Crashers (2005).
23.) Jamie Foxx- No, there isn’t a quota that requires me to include more than one African American on this list. Foxx is a badass. Not only is he cool, but he’s won an Oscar and he has a rap career.
24.) Ryan Reynolds- He’s funny, attractive (don’t judge me), and he’s all over People magazine and US Weekly. Reynolds makes these rankings based solely on his history with other actresses. He married Scarlet Johannssen and has been linked to Sandra Bullock and Blake Lively.
25.) Daniel Craig- This list wouldn't be complete without James Bond. That role has enough cachet to almost guarantee cultural relevance.
Others receiving votes: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Josh Brolin, Andrew Garfield, Jake Gyllenahll, Will Smith, James McAvoy, Jude Law, Gerard Butler, Matthew McConaughey, Jason Bateman, Edward Norton, Shia LeBouf, Daniel Dey-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Russell Crowe
Here are the criteria that I will use:
-Talent- How good of an actor are you? Can you play multiple roles? Have you been typecast? Do your performances stand out and have a lasting impact?
-Prestige- Is your name big enough to sell a movie? Does your acting resume stack up? Have you been nominated for, or won, big time awards?
-Exposure- Do I know who your wife/girlfriend is? If so, how hot is she? Are you all over the tabloid magazines? How much are you in the public eye?
-Wealth- What kind of price tag do you have on you? What do you make per movie?
-Recent Activity- What have you done for me lately? When I hear your name can I easily recall the most recent movie that you've been in? If so, was that movie successful?
Top 25
1.) George Clooney- I think you’d be hard pressed to find someone that doesn’t like Clooney. He’s as big of a big wig as there is in Hollywood. He’s all over the news whenever it comes to actors contributing to disaster relief efforts. It’s almost unfathomable because he’s been around for so long, but I would argue that Clooney is still in his prime. His acting resume just keeps getting better. He’s been nominated for Best Actor twice (Michael Clayton (2008), Up in the Air (2010) and should garner another nom for The Descendants (2011), he’s won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (Syriana (2005)), and he’s directed some quality films in Good Night, and Good Luck (2005) and this year’s political thriller The Ides of March (2011).
Clooney also deserves a lot of credit for his dating resume. He wisely dates attractive women that are only tangibly famous. He’s always the more famous one in the relationship, so when he runs through girlfriend after girlfriend there is no sob story from the ex because people only her as the girl that dated Clooney.
The perfect illustration of Clooney’s power and fame involves his new girlfriend and former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler. Kebiler, who I want to say was also on Dancing With The Stars, has an appearance fee of $10,000 (absurd, I know). Basically she gets paid 10 large to show up to events and be hot (she has legs for days). Since she started dating Clooney her attendance fee has increased to $25,000. That means that Stacy Keibler became 150% more famous only because Clooney’s taking her to Pound Town.
2.) Leonardo DiCaprio- Not exactly a huge drop from 1 or 1A, but as I noted earlier, Leo’s biggest weakness is that he’s never taken home the hardware at The Oscars. He’s been nominated twice for Best Actor and once for Best Supporting Actor, but has never really been in the discussion to win. It’s almost hard to believe because DiCaprio rarely swings and misses. He once ran off the following stretch in consecutive order.
Gangs of New York (2002)- nominated for Best Picture
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Aviator (2004)- Best Actor nomination
The Departed (2006)- won Best Picture
Blood Diamond (2006)- Best Actor nomination
His only real flop was Revolutionary Road (2008) in which he starred alongside Kate Winslet, and I actually thought it was a pretty good movie. He should garner another Best Actor nom for his portrayal of the first director of the FBI in the biopic J. Edgar (2011), but I don’t think that he’ll win. Leo is like the Indianapolis Colts from 1999-2006. They were always good, sometimes dominant, but they could never win the big one.
While Leo has never won the big one for his work on the silver screen he’s more than made up for it with his work off of the screen. He dated various models and actresses in the 90’s, but what he’s done in the past 10 years is virtually unprecedented. He dated supermodel and current Mrs. Tom Brady Giselle Bundchen from 2001-2005 when she was probably the most attractive woman in the world, then moved on to the woman that took her place in supermodel Bar Refaeli and dated her from 2005 until May of this year.
Since May Leo reportedly dated up and coming smokeshow actress Blake Lively.
3.) Brad Pitt- First and foremost, he was married to the woman that’s #2 on my list of actresses, but he upgraded and he’s now married to the woman that’s #1. Pitt has mellowed in the past few years, but he’s often thought of as one of the rock star actors. His celebrity has been off the charts for years. What gets lost in the shuffle of Pitt’s good looks and female conquests is that he’s actually a pretty good actor. He’s not great or transcendent by any means, but he’s certainly above average. He’s been nominated for two Oscars, most recently for Best Actor for his role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008), and he’ll most likely be nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Billy Beane in Moneyball (2011).
4.) Sean Penn- Penn is a polished actor who’s seemingly done it all over the course of his career. From comedy (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) to mentally challenged (I Am Sam) to high drama (Mystic River) his range is just incredible. He’s the only man to win Best Actor more than once since Tom Hanks in the mid 90’s.
He’s also been married to Madonna and Robin Wright (Jenny in Forrest Gump), he’s dated Jewel, and he’s been spotted with Scarlett Johanssen. On top of all of that Penn is like the Bono of actors when it comes to political and social causes.
5.) Matt Damon- Damon is just incredibly likeable. He was the bad guy in The Departed (2006) and the first time I saw the movie I found myself rooting for him. He’s perhaps best known for his breakout performance in Good Will Hunting (1998) and The Bourne trilogy, but he’s been in plenty of other quality films. For example, Ocean’s Eleven (2001) Syriana (2005), True Grit (2010), and I really liked his performance in The Adjustment Bureau (2011).
6.) Colin Firth- His name doesn’t carry a lot of cachet, but the good natured Brit has been nominated for Best Actor in back to back years including a win for his role in The King’s Speech last year.
7.) Denzel Washington- My man. Denzel, where have you been lately? His work in Training Day (2001) and Man on Fire (2004) is iconic, but the best African American actor of all time will continue to slide down these ranking unless he gets it going again.
8.) Ryan Gosling- He’s come a long way since The Notebook (2004). You know that Gosling’s acting ability is legitimate because he’s gotten recognition for his work in indie films. He’s never really had a huge production firm totting his work. He was nominated for Best Actor in 2007 for playing a high school teacher who smokes pot in Half Nelson and he was one of the biggest Oscar snubs last year for playing a deadbeat husband opposite Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine (2010). He’s also having a great 2011 starring in the critically acclaimed action film Drive as well as playing the lead in George Clooney’s political thriller The Ides of March.
To top it all off he's reportedly been dating the sultry Eva Mendes.
9.) Javier Bardem- Bardem seemingly came out of nowhere, but it doesn’t look like he’s going away anytime soon.
He fathered a child this year with his smoking hot wife Penelope Cruz, he won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 2008 (No Country for Old Men), and he was nominated for Best Actor for his work in a film that not many people, including me, have seen (Biutiful).
10.) Johnny Depp- People love Johnny Depp. I am not one of them. Either way he gets paid a boatload of money for every movie he stars in and the public remains fascinated with him regardless of the quality of his work. He is unquestionably one of the most elite actors in Hollywood.
11.) Christian Bale- He can be the lead in a movie (American Pscyho), he can serve his purpose in a movie (The Dark Knight), and he can steal a movie with one of the best performances that I’ve ever seen (The Fighter). He’s also a hot head that I often forget is from across the pond.
12.) Jeff Bridges- What a resurgence for the dude. Bridges won Best Actor in 2010 for his role in Crazy Heart and followed it up with another Oscar nomination for Best Actor this year for his role in True Grit.
13.) Philip Seymour Hoffman- He’s won an Oscar for Best Actor (Capote), but he’s at his best in a supporting role. He was hysterical in Along Came Polly (2004), great in Oscar nominated roles in Charlie Wilson’s War (2007) and Doubt (2008), and I expect him to be fantastic in Moneyball (2011) and The Ides of March (2011).
14.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt- I hatttted him when he was on 3rd Rock From the Sun. In fact, I hated 3rd Rock From the Sun. Gordon-Levitt has come a long way since then, though. He was outstanding in (500) Days of Summer and Inception and I’ve heard nothing but positives from 50/50.
15.) Jeremy Renner- I can’t say that I’m a big fan of Renner. It’s not that I don’t like him, but the Academy seems to love him and I can’t figure it out. He was nominated for Best Actor for his role in The Hurt Locker (2009) and nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his role in The Town (2010).
16.) Robert Downey, Jr.- The only member of the Brat Pack that’s still relevant. Downey, Jr. partied hard through the 80’s, got hooked on drugs in the 90’s, and now he’s back and better than ever.
17.) Mark Wahlberg- I still can’t get over the fact that he originally broke onto the scene as a rapper, but Wahlberg has worked tirelessly to reinvent himself on multiple occasions.
18.) Ben Affleck- Don’t ask me why, but I’ve always been a huge fan of Affleck. He also gets bonus points for being married to Jennifer Garner.
19.) Viggo Mortensen- Easily the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He was awesome as Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, amazing in A History of Violence (2005), and electric in his Oscar nominated role in Eastern Promises (2008).
20.) James Franco- Franco has some serious talent and he’s driven to excel across multiple platforms. He was horrendous as a co-host of The Oscars, but his future is still bright.
21.) Liam Neeson- He’s 59 years old and I think it’s safe to say that he’s the best action star going right now.
22.) Bradley Cooper- He’s been everywhere since his breakout performance as Sack in Wedding Crashers (2005).
23.) Jamie Foxx- No, there isn’t a quota that requires me to include more than one African American on this list. Foxx is a badass. Not only is he cool, but he’s won an Oscar and he has a rap career.
24.) Ryan Reynolds- He’s funny, attractive (don’t judge me), and he’s all over People magazine and US Weekly. Reynolds makes these rankings based solely on his history with other actresses. He married Scarlet Johannssen and has been linked to Sandra Bullock and Blake Lively.
25.) Daniel Craig- This list wouldn't be complete without James Bond. That role has enough cachet to almost guarantee cultural relevance.
Others receiving votes: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Josh Brolin, Andrew Garfield, Jake Gyllenahll, Will Smith, James McAvoy, Jude Law, Gerard Butler, Matthew McConaughey, Jason Bateman, Edward Norton, Shia LeBouf, Daniel Dey-Lewis, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Russell Crowe
Labels:
Ben Affleck,
Denzel,
Leonardo DiCaprio,
Matt Damon,
Robert Downey Jr.,
Sean Penn,
The Oscars
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
That's What He Said- Chapter 2
In case you don't check The Shampoo Effect frequently (I don't update it frequently, so I can't really blame you), I've decided to tackle the challenge of writing a book. Because I'm not creative enough to conjure up multi-faceted characters, a cohesive plot, or a narrative arc from scratch I've decided to write a memoir on a topic that I've covered too many numerous times already on this blog: my exploits as a writer during my senior year in college. I plan to unveil one chapter every month until I'm finished.
Last month I unveiled Chapter 1, which you can find here.
And now, without further ado, here's...
Chapter 2
As soon as I found out that I was selected to be the “He Said” I immediately wanted to know who my partner in relational banter would be. I had heard some rumblings about which females had applied for the “She Said” position and was largely ambivalent about them, but as it turned out, the girl that The Mirror selected just so happened to be the girl that I was hooking up with at the time. Heyyyo. She was a tall, attractive, dark-skinned Italian girl with brown eyes and jet black hair from northern New Jersey named Jackie.
Jackie and I got to know each other during our sophomore year because she was hooking up with my good friend Matty K. She was flirtatious by nature and my buddy had capitalized on it. I even went with him to a party at her house in the summer before our junior year. Shortly after this trip, Matty K and I vowed to never step foot in the state of New Jersey again. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault. We had a good time at her party1. New Jersey is just the worst place ever to drive. There are parkways that turn into expressways that turn into turnpikes that turn back into parkways. On our drive back to Matty K’s house in Westchester, NY we pulled off at an exit in Mahwah, NJ because we saw a sign for a Wendy’s. We followed the exit ramp and continued on for a mile seeing nothing remotely close to a Wendy’s before we were suddenly on another parkway. Fucking Mahwah.
Jackie, the Italian that she is, was abroad in Italy for the first semester of our junior year, but rekindled the old flame with Matty K one night in early February. I know this, of course, because Matty K was one of my two roommates junior year.
My other roommate that year, believe it or not, was not Tim. This was simply due to logistics and not because of a fight, rift, or anything of that nature (sorry Aunt Eileen). When the time came to select housing for junior year Tim was flirting with the idea of going abroad for a semester and because of a financial hiccup on the home front I had applied to be an RA. Low and behold Tim’s grades were not sufficient enough for him to even be eligible to go abroad and I was apparently not what the Residence Association was looking for in an RA. Unfortunately by this point, two different groups of our friends were in need of one more guy each to secure five man townhouses. It was either that or we stayed together for a third year in the dorms so Tim and I decided to go where the action was and live apart for a year.
Each townhouse had a dishwasher-less kitchen, a carpeted living room, and a half bathroom on the ground level, two bedrooms (one with 2 beds the other with 3) separated by a bathroom with a shower upstairs, and a cement basement. Fairfield even ponied up a round wooden kitchen table, four chairs, a sturdy, industrial couch with synthetic padding, and a rectangular wooden piece of furniture that could only be used as a TV stand. My four roommates all played varsity baseball and I lived in the triple with Matty K and a kid named Dylan who hailed from a wealthy, country town nearby.
Matty K was about 6’3 with dark brown hair that he flipped up in the front, sideburns bordering on mutton chops, a large backside, and a pointed Italian schnozzle. He was an athletic computer geek (oxymoron, I know) who loved his mother’s cooking about as much as he loved baseball. He was more skinny than fat, but he loved to eat. In fact, most freshmen had a meal plan at the cafeteria that allowed them to eat 12 times per week (buffet style) and Matty K was the only kid I knew that upgraded to the 19 meals a week plan.
Dylan had short, black hair and was equally tall and well versed in Italian cuisine as Matty K. In fact, the two of them often shopped at an Italian deli and then cooked what seemed like gourmet dinners together. He had a more rounded schnozz that was perhaps his most distinguishable feature. By that I mean that if you had one look at a picture of his dad you’d know that they were father-son based solely on their olfactory organs. Dylan, who like Matty K was a pitcher for the baseball team, was a wild card in that he seemed to have a new passion every month. One month he’d be convinced that he was going to be a Navy Seal. Then the next he would be training for the Tour de France. He owned a few flannel shirts and liked to hit the bottle hard.
The cement basements in the townhouses were supposed to be for storage, but were primarily used for recreational activity. The townhouses were on campus and thus monitored by Public Safety, so everybody partied in the basements because of volume control. My roommates and I combined our inclination for sports with our understanding that this cement fortress would be our arena for parties and laid down green astro turf on day one. One of our most memorable endeavors was an 80's party. Aside from playing nothing but the freshest 80's jams, I wore a 1988 Whitesnake concert tour T-shirt that I found (bought) at the Salvation Army. Unfortunately the basement party scene ended when a friend from freshman year (one of the kids that got into drugs) had a run in with the Fairfield Fire Department after he left a lit ‘cigarette’ in his townhouse basement. This prompted Fairfield to lock everyone’s basement for the foreseeable future.
Even though we were no longer roommates I ended up seeing Tim more than I saw some of my house mates. He got me a job refereeing and eventually supervising intramural games on campus. It was an easy job that enabled me to get to know a significant portion of the Fairfield student body. Once I became a supervisor I was afforded the privilege of swiping in and out of work with my student ID. Admittedly, the other eight supervisors and I used this power a bit liberally. For example, I spent countless hours down in the Recreation Complex essentially getting paid to play basketball. We often joked that we were technically professional athletes because we got paid to play. Although we were basically stealing money from Fairfield, we actually did a fantastic job with the intramural program in the two years that I was involved. We posted standings, kept stats, composed team power rankings, had All-Star games, and gave out post season awards. Our efforts earned us rave reviews from our bosses, their bosses, and from students.
In early April, I was at a small gathering in Tim’s townhouse, while my roommates were elsewhere, presumably partying. Tim and his roommates had been able to break the pad lock on their basement door in such a way that it wasn’t entirely noticeable without close inspection. To this day, I still don’t know how they did it. I always just imagined that they were high watching an episode of MacGyver and used a toothpick, cardboard box, and 3 feet of rope to get it done. Either way, there were about 15 of us down in the basement that night doing what college kids did back then. A few kids were blasting Phish songs from an iTunes playlist, a few kids were playing Guitar Hero in between hits, and a few others, including me, were circled around the beer pong table either socially drinking or trying to toss ping pong balls into red solo cups half filled with cheap beer.
That particular night my beer pong partner was Jackie. She was wearing a navy blue New York Yankees player t-shirt, a jean skirt, and for some reason her dark black hair had a few reddish strands in it as if she was in some sort of experimental stage in her life2. We were winning game after game and casually flirting the entire time. Each made shot turned into another excuse to up the scale of physical contact. Eventually the beer pong dwindled down, but the flirting had intensified. Jackie and I made our way upstairs and a playful water fight turned into a full-fledged make out on the bed of one of Tim’s roommates.
I figured the drunken hookup was just a onetime thing so I didn’t tell Matty K about it even though, according to guy code, he still had “dibs”3 because of his prior encounters with her. I knew he wouldn’t care, but I again avoided telling him even when Jackie and I began to hook up on a semi-consistent basis. However, like most college hookups, things never got serious.
That summer at home in Syracuse, NY I worked a bunch of odd jobs just to scrap together enough cash to get by with during my senior year. I wasn’t too worried about my financial situation because I knew that I would have a weekly check coming from the Department of Recreation once I got back to school. One week I worked for a friend’s dad and cleaned out an old auto parts store that had suffered from fire damage, another week I worked a basketball camp at my high school, and for about a month I worked in a pipe factory.
Things were no different from any previous summer. I played golf at a par-3 course about twice a week4, basketball every Tuesday, and softball every Friday. My friends and I saw the same people at graduation parties, smoked cigars and hookahs, and went to the local watering holes every weekend. However that summer is the last time I remember feeling free of any sense of pressure or responsibility. Unfortunately this feeling did not register until the following year when summer turned into a stress-filled job hunt during a down economy.
I quit my pipe laying job in the middle of July to give myself a week off before I went on vacation in New Hampshire. Boredom naturally set in half way through the week, but it was quickly supplanted by excitement when I started to think of my senior year. I was going to be the sports director of my campus radio station, an intramural supervisor, and the writer of the “He Said” column. My role as the sports director of the radio station provided me with a weekly two-hour block to host my own sports talk show, so I started thinking of ideas for the show, commercials I could create, and whom I could have as guests.
These creative juices steam rolled into thinking about what I would write in my first “He Said” column. I figured that the first topic would just be a standard welcome back, so I spent an hour or so writing and fine tuning a prospective column with that topic in mind. Since it was my first article that would be read by the entire student body I knew that I had to come out with guns blazing. I wanted this first article to be a statement of what was to come. After a few minor edits, I was satisfied with my first rough draft and went into vacation mode.
That week of vacation was as relaxing and serene as usual. I laid out on a beach and tried to convince my white, Irish/Polish skin to darken without turning as red as a stop sign first, read On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and had some brewskis overlooking a lake. During the week Tim and I talked a great deal about our excitement for our senior year. We were going to be living together in a tiny beach house right on the water of Long Island Sound with two of the “Musketeers” from freshman year. My excitement for senior year was such that I asked Tim’s dad, my Uncle Jim, if I could move in with them for the month of August and work for his company. I thought that living in his house would be like the preamble to my senior year because of its proximity to Fairfield. Uncle Jim obliged, but I ended up only working for his industrial supplies company for a few days in August because Tim and I spent the majority of our days painting the house of his Aunt and Uncle, who I knew from vacationing in New Hampshire.
Living in Uncle Jim and Aunt Mimi’s basement that month was great. I went out with Tim and all of his friends from high school that I had gotten to know over the past three years, played a lot of golf, and made some cold, hard cash. We scrapped, sanded, primed, and painted with power jams blasting on the radio everyday from 10-6 and seemingly always had dinner waiting for us when we got home. Toward the end of the month we were finishing up the house and getting all of our things ready for school virtually at the same time. I set up an internship to be a sports writer for the major newspaper in Stamford, CT while up on a ladder and Tim made contact with a guy to buy a TV for our beach house. I went home for a few days late in August to get the rest of my things and to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday, but made it back to Tim’s house for one last night in my basement bedroom.
Finally the day after Labor Day arrived and we moved into our quaint, poorly insulated, beach house. Don’t ask me why, but most of the beach houses that were rented annually by college seniors had names. I don’t know how or when it started, but I guess it was just easier to say, “I’m going to a party at The Dugout,” instead of telling someone what the address was. Our house was painted hunter green, but its name was “The Pink Box.”
It was almost shed-like in size, but it was right on the water and in a good location (a little over a half mile to the bar). Upon entering “The Pink Box” the bathroom was to your immediate left. The parameters were pretty tight, especially in the shower, but we made due. To your immediate right was the first bedroom. It was roughly half the size of our freshman year dorm rooms as evidenced by the fact that it was adorned with a bunk bed because there wasn’t enough room to put both of the beds on the floor. Just past the doorway to the bedroom was a wooden ladder attached to the wall that led to a small loft intended for storage. Even though you couldn’t even stand up in the loft we still festooned the area with blankets and pillows just in the hopes of luring a female or two up there for some late night activities.5
If you took one step past the ladder to the loft you would have found yourself in the middle of the kitchen that we hardly used. It had a boomerang shaped counter that edged out to create the sense that the hallway continued on to the living area. The living area spanned the full width of the house and half of the length. We put a rectangular, plastic table up against the wall on the left close to where the back door resided and two couches, a coffee table, and our new TV on the right hand side. Also on the right hand side, tucked against the near wall, was a door that led into the 2nd bedroom, which was under the loft and to the right of the kitchen. Its dimensions were almost the exact same size as the first, but Tim and I lived in it, so we called it the big room.
Out the back door was an 8x20 foot enclosed porch where we placed our beer pong table and kegerator (colllllegggge). Outside the back door of the porch was a raised cement patio that overlooked a beach of roughly 20 yards and the water.
Our roommates, two of the aforementioned “Musketeers,” were Greg and Max. Greg was from a nearby suburb and had been an RA during our sophomore and junior years, but was ready to be re-released into the wild our senior year. He was a good-looking kid that got with so many girls our freshman year that he earned the nickname “The Hound Dog.” Max was the son of Argentinean immigrants that settled in Long Island. He was a short, dark-skinned, soccer loving kid whose chest protruded like a gymnast after sticking a landing. He was also fluent in Spanish and studied abroad in Spain for the first semester of our junior year before living in Tim’s townhouse in the spring.
The first week of senior year was everything I thought it would be. Partying with my friends that I hadn’t seen for months while on a beach in warm weather was awesome. Throw in the fact that girls were still tanned and desperately trying to soak up every natural wave of sunlight that they could and life was pretty good. The only downside was seeing way too many of my fellow male classmates shirtless.
On the first day of classes I got an email from a girl in my grade named Steph, who identified herself as the editor in chief of The Mirror. In the email that she sent to both Jackie and me, she explained both who she was and what our roles with the newspaper would be. She told us that each article was to be about 400 words, that our deadline was 6 p.m. every Monday, that our first topic, just as I suspected, should be a welcome back piece, and that we were responsible for thinking of and agreeing on a topic each week from there on out. This last piece of news was like music to my ears. I always assumed that the editors chose the topics. My excitement for my new role grew even more knowing that I had virtually free reign over my column. The only person standing in my way of writing what I wanted to write was Jackie and I knew that she would be on board with many of my ideas.
For the next few days, I shared the prospective column that I had written back in July with some of my friends from home and at school to gauge their reactions. Basically I was trying to develop an inner circle of advisers to consult during the year. People that could read my work and offer both constructive criticism as well as new ideas from which to springboard.
The general consensus from my potential advisers was that the column needed little improvement so I sent it in that Monday.
The Mirror on September 12th, 2007:
Welcome Back
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd welcome back everybody!6 Summer is over and the new year is finally upon us. The 9-5 work is no more and now it’s time to do work on the females of the class of ‘11. (Does that look scary to anyone else?) My advanced scout, a.k.a. my friend who had to take summer classes at Fairfield in order to qualify for medical school7, has informed me that we have some real blue chippers in the incoming class to replace the overworked class of ‘07 that was past their prime anyway.
Speaking of girls being in their prime, I know we all went to a bunch of graduation parties this summer in which we had to endure awkward conversations with the same parents weekend after weekend. Like I needed a weekly reminder that I only had one more year of college left. Okay so back to the girls. Did anyone else catch themselves thinking about how attractive the high school girls suddenly became? Out of nowhere your friend Joey’s little sister developed (think about it) into a nice little prospect. It was like that time period in high school when girls started getting their braces off and you decided it was socially acceptable to begin talking to them. But the girl who just got her braces off was your age, the smokeshow little sister is about 16. There are laws against that.
For the record, every male on campus thinks they are going to tap into the freshmen class of women, but few are as successful as they think No one really knows what women want and nobody really cares that much either. We just want them. Plain and simple. In order to leave your mark on/in the freshmen girls you must first follow these guidelines. First and foremost, no v-cards. You don’t want a stage 5 clinger to deal with all year. You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers. Also, don’t worry if a girl has a boyfriend from home. There is nothing alcohol and being “such a great listener” can’t solve. Lastly, exhibit absolutely no morals. I’m sure that won’t be too hard. Just get in, get out and go on your way. Good luck guys.
1- I mean, her older brother and his friends knew every word to “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. Of course, in no way was it shocking or impressive for 8 white kids to know those lyrics. In fact, Kyle Korver was also in attendance that day (either that or I saw him the next day) and ever since we have texted each other every time we’ve seen a white kid rap the lyrics to this song. Coincidentally I got a text from him 2 weeks ago that said, “At a wedding in Albany –You’ll never believe it BUT…These kids know Juicy.”
2- It was a Robinson Cano t-shirt with the #22 on the back. Cano would give up the #22 to Roger Clemens the following year and decide to wear #24 instead. That said, how I remember these details about Jackie’s outfit I don’t really know. There are no pictures to confirm, but I’m 100% certain that my memory is accurate. I can’t figure out if my remembering is impressive, just completely random, somehow significant, creepy, or what. I’ll let Jackie decide I guess.
3- I’m actually surprised that someone other than Dylan had dibs on a girl back in the Spring of 2007. Even though he had a girlfriend at the time he still somehow claimed to have dibs on upwards of 25 girls.
4- I got my second hole in one that summer and it happened exactly one year to the day as my first. July 4th (Clearly I love America.)
5- Check and check.
6- Chris “Mad Dog” Russo used to begin every edition of the incredibly popular New York sports talk radio show “Mike and the Mad Dog” on WFAN by saying, “Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd good afternoon everybody!”
7- Matty K
Last month I unveiled Chapter 1, which you can find here.
And now, without further ado, here's...
Chapter 2
As soon as I found out that I was selected to be the “He Said” I immediately wanted to know who my partner in relational banter would be. I had heard some rumblings about which females had applied for the “She Said” position and was largely ambivalent about them, but as it turned out, the girl that The Mirror selected just so happened to be the girl that I was hooking up with at the time. Heyyyo. She was a tall, attractive, dark-skinned Italian girl with brown eyes and jet black hair from northern New Jersey named Jackie.
Jackie and I got to know each other during our sophomore year because she was hooking up with my good friend Matty K. She was flirtatious by nature and my buddy had capitalized on it. I even went with him to a party at her house in the summer before our junior year. Shortly after this trip, Matty K and I vowed to never step foot in the state of New Jersey again. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault. We had a good time at her party1. New Jersey is just the worst place ever to drive. There are parkways that turn into expressways that turn into turnpikes that turn back into parkways. On our drive back to Matty K’s house in Westchester, NY we pulled off at an exit in Mahwah, NJ because we saw a sign for a Wendy’s. We followed the exit ramp and continued on for a mile seeing nothing remotely close to a Wendy’s before we were suddenly on another parkway. Fucking Mahwah.
Jackie, the Italian that she is, was abroad in Italy for the first semester of our junior year, but rekindled the old flame with Matty K one night in early February. I know this, of course, because Matty K was one of my two roommates junior year.
My other roommate that year, believe it or not, was not Tim. This was simply due to logistics and not because of a fight, rift, or anything of that nature (sorry Aunt Eileen). When the time came to select housing for junior year Tim was flirting with the idea of going abroad for a semester and because of a financial hiccup on the home front I had applied to be an RA. Low and behold Tim’s grades were not sufficient enough for him to even be eligible to go abroad and I was apparently not what the Residence Association was looking for in an RA. Unfortunately by this point, two different groups of our friends were in need of one more guy each to secure five man townhouses. It was either that or we stayed together for a third year in the dorms so Tim and I decided to go where the action was and live apart for a year.
Each townhouse had a dishwasher-less kitchen, a carpeted living room, and a half bathroom on the ground level, two bedrooms (one with 2 beds the other with 3) separated by a bathroom with a shower upstairs, and a cement basement. Fairfield even ponied up a round wooden kitchen table, four chairs, a sturdy, industrial couch with synthetic padding, and a rectangular wooden piece of furniture that could only be used as a TV stand. My four roommates all played varsity baseball and I lived in the triple with Matty K and a kid named Dylan who hailed from a wealthy, country town nearby.
Matty K was about 6’3 with dark brown hair that he flipped up in the front, sideburns bordering on mutton chops, a large backside, and a pointed Italian schnozzle. He was an athletic computer geek (oxymoron, I know) who loved his mother’s cooking about as much as he loved baseball. He was more skinny than fat, but he loved to eat. In fact, most freshmen had a meal plan at the cafeteria that allowed them to eat 12 times per week (buffet style) and Matty K was the only kid I knew that upgraded to the 19 meals a week plan.
Dylan had short, black hair and was equally tall and well versed in Italian cuisine as Matty K. In fact, the two of them often shopped at an Italian deli and then cooked what seemed like gourmet dinners together. He had a more rounded schnozz that was perhaps his most distinguishable feature. By that I mean that if you had one look at a picture of his dad you’d know that they were father-son based solely on their olfactory organs. Dylan, who like Matty K was a pitcher for the baseball team, was a wild card in that he seemed to have a new passion every month. One month he’d be convinced that he was going to be a Navy Seal. Then the next he would be training for the Tour de France. He owned a few flannel shirts and liked to hit the bottle hard.
The cement basements in the townhouses were supposed to be for storage, but were primarily used for recreational activity. The townhouses were on campus and thus monitored by Public Safety, so everybody partied in the basements because of volume control. My roommates and I combined our inclination for sports with our understanding that this cement fortress would be our arena for parties and laid down green astro turf on day one. One of our most memorable endeavors was an 80's party. Aside from playing nothing but the freshest 80's jams, I wore a 1988 Whitesnake concert tour T-shirt that I found (bought) at the Salvation Army. Unfortunately the basement party scene ended when a friend from freshman year (one of the kids that got into drugs) had a run in with the Fairfield Fire Department after he left a lit ‘cigarette’ in his townhouse basement. This prompted Fairfield to lock everyone’s basement for the foreseeable future.
Even though we were no longer roommates I ended up seeing Tim more than I saw some of my house mates. He got me a job refereeing and eventually supervising intramural games on campus. It was an easy job that enabled me to get to know a significant portion of the Fairfield student body. Once I became a supervisor I was afforded the privilege of swiping in and out of work with my student ID. Admittedly, the other eight supervisors and I used this power a bit liberally. For example, I spent countless hours down in the Recreation Complex essentially getting paid to play basketball. We often joked that we were technically professional athletes because we got paid to play. Although we were basically stealing money from Fairfield, we actually did a fantastic job with the intramural program in the two years that I was involved. We posted standings, kept stats, composed team power rankings, had All-Star games, and gave out post season awards. Our efforts earned us rave reviews from our bosses, their bosses, and from students.
In early April, I was at a small gathering in Tim’s townhouse, while my roommates were elsewhere, presumably partying. Tim and his roommates had been able to break the pad lock on their basement door in such a way that it wasn’t entirely noticeable without close inspection. To this day, I still don’t know how they did it. I always just imagined that they were high watching an episode of MacGyver and used a toothpick, cardboard box, and 3 feet of rope to get it done. Either way, there were about 15 of us down in the basement that night doing what college kids did back then. A few kids were blasting Phish songs from an iTunes playlist, a few kids were playing Guitar Hero in between hits, and a few others, including me, were circled around the beer pong table either socially drinking or trying to toss ping pong balls into red solo cups half filled with cheap beer.
That particular night my beer pong partner was Jackie. She was wearing a navy blue New York Yankees player t-shirt, a jean skirt, and for some reason her dark black hair had a few reddish strands in it as if she was in some sort of experimental stage in her life2. We were winning game after game and casually flirting the entire time. Each made shot turned into another excuse to up the scale of physical contact. Eventually the beer pong dwindled down, but the flirting had intensified. Jackie and I made our way upstairs and a playful water fight turned into a full-fledged make out on the bed of one of Tim’s roommates.
I figured the drunken hookup was just a onetime thing so I didn’t tell Matty K about it even though, according to guy code, he still had “dibs”3 because of his prior encounters with her. I knew he wouldn’t care, but I again avoided telling him even when Jackie and I began to hook up on a semi-consistent basis. However, like most college hookups, things never got serious.
That summer at home in Syracuse, NY I worked a bunch of odd jobs just to scrap together enough cash to get by with during my senior year. I wasn’t too worried about my financial situation because I knew that I would have a weekly check coming from the Department of Recreation once I got back to school. One week I worked for a friend’s dad and cleaned out an old auto parts store that had suffered from fire damage, another week I worked a basketball camp at my high school, and for about a month I worked in a pipe factory.
Things were no different from any previous summer. I played golf at a par-3 course about twice a week4, basketball every Tuesday, and softball every Friday. My friends and I saw the same people at graduation parties, smoked cigars and hookahs, and went to the local watering holes every weekend. However that summer is the last time I remember feeling free of any sense of pressure or responsibility. Unfortunately this feeling did not register until the following year when summer turned into a stress-filled job hunt during a down economy.
I quit my pipe laying job in the middle of July to give myself a week off before I went on vacation in New Hampshire. Boredom naturally set in half way through the week, but it was quickly supplanted by excitement when I started to think of my senior year. I was going to be the sports director of my campus radio station, an intramural supervisor, and the writer of the “He Said” column. My role as the sports director of the radio station provided me with a weekly two-hour block to host my own sports talk show, so I started thinking of ideas for the show, commercials I could create, and whom I could have as guests.
These creative juices steam rolled into thinking about what I would write in my first “He Said” column. I figured that the first topic would just be a standard welcome back, so I spent an hour or so writing and fine tuning a prospective column with that topic in mind. Since it was my first article that would be read by the entire student body I knew that I had to come out with guns blazing. I wanted this first article to be a statement of what was to come. After a few minor edits, I was satisfied with my first rough draft and went into vacation mode.
That week of vacation was as relaxing and serene as usual. I laid out on a beach and tried to convince my white, Irish/Polish skin to darken without turning as red as a stop sign first, read On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and had some brewskis overlooking a lake. During the week Tim and I talked a great deal about our excitement for our senior year. We were going to be living together in a tiny beach house right on the water of Long Island Sound with two of the “Musketeers” from freshman year. My excitement for senior year was such that I asked Tim’s dad, my Uncle Jim, if I could move in with them for the month of August and work for his company. I thought that living in his house would be like the preamble to my senior year because of its proximity to Fairfield. Uncle Jim obliged, but I ended up only working for his industrial supplies company for a few days in August because Tim and I spent the majority of our days painting the house of his Aunt and Uncle, who I knew from vacationing in New Hampshire.
Living in Uncle Jim and Aunt Mimi’s basement that month was great. I went out with Tim and all of his friends from high school that I had gotten to know over the past three years, played a lot of golf, and made some cold, hard cash. We scrapped, sanded, primed, and painted with power jams blasting on the radio everyday from 10-6 and seemingly always had dinner waiting for us when we got home. Toward the end of the month we were finishing up the house and getting all of our things ready for school virtually at the same time. I set up an internship to be a sports writer for the major newspaper in Stamford, CT while up on a ladder and Tim made contact with a guy to buy a TV for our beach house. I went home for a few days late in August to get the rest of my things and to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday, but made it back to Tim’s house for one last night in my basement bedroom.
Finally the day after Labor Day arrived and we moved into our quaint, poorly insulated, beach house. Don’t ask me why, but most of the beach houses that were rented annually by college seniors had names. I don’t know how or when it started, but I guess it was just easier to say, “I’m going to a party at The Dugout,” instead of telling someone what the address was. Our house was painted hunter green, but its name was “The Pink Box.”
It was almost shed-like in size, but it was right on the water and in a good location (a little over a half mile to the bar). Upon entering “The Pink Box” the bathroom was to your immediate left. The parameters were pretty tight, especially in the shower, but we made due. To your immediate right was the first bedroom. It was roughly half the size of our freshman year dorm rooms as evidenced by the fact that it was adorned with a bunk bed because there wasn’t enough room to put both of the beds on the floor. Just past the doorway to the bedroom was a wooden ladder attached to the wall that led to a small loft intended for storage. Even though you couldn’t even stand up in the loft we still festooned the area with blankets and pillows just in the hopes of luring a female or two up there for some late night activities.5
If you took one step past the ladder to the loft you would have found yourself in the middle of the kitchen that we hardly used. It had a boomerang shaped counter that edged out to create the sense that the hallway continued on to the living area. The living area spanned the full width of the house and half of the length. We put a rectangular, plastic table up against the wall on the left close to where the back door resided and two couches, a coffee table, and our new TV on the right hand side. Also on the right hand side, tucked against the near wall, was a door that led into the 2nd bedroom, which was under the loft and to the right of the kitchen. Its dimensions were almost the exact same size as the first, but Tim and I lived in it, so we called it the big room.
Out the back door was an 8x20 foot enclosed porch where we placed our beer pong table and kegerator (colllllegggge). Outside the back door of the porch was a raised cement patio that overlooked a beach of roughly 20 yards and the water.
Our roommates, two of the aforementioned “Musketeers,” were Greg and Max. Greg was from a nearby suburb and had been an RA during our sophomore and junior years, but was ready to be re-released into the wild our senior year. He was a good-looking kid that got with so many girls our freshman year that he earned the nickname “The Hound Dog.” Max was the son of Argentinean immigrants that settled in Long Island. He was a short, dark-skinned, soccer loving kid whose chest protruded like a gymnast after sticking a landing. He was also fluent in Spanish and studied abroad in Spain for the first semester of our junior year before living in Tim’s townhouse in the spring.
The first week of senior year was everything I thought it would be. Partying with my friends that I hadn’t seen for months while on a beach in warm weather was awesome. Throw in the fact that girls were still tanned and desperately trying to soak up every natural wave of sunlight that they could and life was pretty good. The only downside was seeing way too many of my fellow male classmates shirtless.
On the first day of classes I got an email from a girl in my grade named Steph, who identified herself as the editor in chief of The Mirror. In the email that she sent to both Jackie and me, she explained both who she was and what our roles with the newspaper would be. She told us that each article was to be about 400 words, that our deadline was 6 p.m. every Monday, that our first topic, just as I suspected, should be a welcome back piece, and that we were responsible for thinking of and agreeing on a topic each week from there on out. This last piece of news was like music to my ears. I always assumed that the editors chose the topics. My excitement for my new role grew even more knowing that I had virtually free reign over my column. The only person standing in my way of writing what I wanted to write was Jackie and I knew that she would be on board with many of my ideas.
For the next few days, I shared the prospective column that I had written back in July with some of my friends from home and at school to gauge their reactions. Basically I was trying to develop an inner circle of advisers to consult during the year. People that could read my work and offer both constructive criticism as well as new ideas from which to springboard.
The general consensus from my potential advisers was that the column needed little improvement so I sent it in that Monday.
The Mirror on September 12th, 2007:
Welcome Back
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd welcome back everybody!6 Summer is over and the new year is finally upon us. The 9-5 work is no more and now it’s time to do work on the females of the class of ‘11. (Does that look scary to anyone else?) My advanced scout, a.k.a. my friend who had to take summer classes at Fairfield in order to qualify for medical school7, has informed me that we have some real blue chippers in the incoming class to replace the overworked class of ‘07 that was past their prime anyway.
Speaking of girls being in their prime, I know we all went to a bunch of graduation parties this summer in which we had to endure awkward conversations with the same parents weekend after weekend. Like I needed a weekly reminder that I only had one more year of college left. Okay so back to the girls. Did anyone else catch themselves thinking about how attractive the high school girls suddenly became? Out of nowhere your friend Joey’s little sister developed (think about it) into a nice little prospect. It was like that time period in high school when girls started getting their braces off and you decided it was socially acceptable to begin talking to them. But the girl who just got her braces off was your age, the smokeshow little sister is about 16. There are laws against that.
For the record, every male on campus thinks they are going to tap into the freshmen class of women, but few are as successful as they think No one really knows what women want and nobody really cares that much either. We just want them. Plain and simple. In order to leave your mark on/in the freshmen girls you must first follow these guidelines. First and foremost, no v-cards. You don’t want a stage 5 clinger to deal with all year. You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers. Also, don’t worry if a girl has a boyfriend from home. There is nothing alcohol and being “such a great listener” can’t solve. Lastly, exhibit absolutely no morals. I’m sure that won’t be too hard. Just get in, get out and go on your way. Good luck guys.
1- I mean, her older brother and his friends knew every word to “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. Of course, in no way was it shocking or impressive for 8 white kids to know those lyrics. In fact, Kyle Korver was also in attendance that day (either that or I saw him the next day) and ever since we have texted each other every time we’ve seen a white kid rap the lyrics to this song. Coincidentally I got a text from him 2 weeks ago that said, “At a wedding in Albany –You’ll never believe it BUT…These kids know Juicy.”
2- It was a Robinson Cano t-shirt with the #22 on the back. Cano would give up the #22 to Roger Clemens the following year and decide to wear #24 instead. That said, how I remember these details about Jackie’s outfit I don’t really know. There are no pictures to confirm, but I’m 100% certain that my memory is accurate. I can’t figure out if my remembering is impressive, just completely random, somehow significant, creepy, or what. I’ll let Jackie decide I guess.
3- I’m actually surprised that someone other than Dylan had dibs on a girl back in the Spring of 2007. Even though he had a girlfriend at the time he still somehow claimed to have dibs on upwards of 25 girls.
4- I got my second hole in one that summer and it happened exactly one year to the day as my first. July 4th (Clearly I love America.)
5- Check and check.
6- Chris “Mad Dog” Russo used to begin every edition of the incredibly popular New York sports talk radio show “Mike and the Mad Dog” on WFAN by saying, “Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd good afternoon everybody!”
7- Matty K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)