Facts About Beer

I hate chain letters/forwaded emails. In fact, I hate them so much that I might add them to my running hate list. Last week my brother sent an email to my two other brothers, parents, and I about how the grammar school that we all went to is closing. I hit reply all and responded to the news in a lighthearted fashion, but if I had known the reprecussions of my action at the time I never would have done so.

Apparently my mother had never known my email address until she saw my response to my brother's email. The next day I opened up my inbox to find not one, but two chain letters/forwarded emails from her. I cringed at the sight of them. I mean, let's be honest, has anyone ever been excited to read an email that has FWD: in the subject? A few days later I returned to the city of hopes and dreams for the first time in months and while I was there I told my mother that I would not like to receive any more chain letters/forwarded emails from her in the future.

Although I thought my point blank, honest approach would rectify the situation, it did not. On Wednesday I received two more chain letters/forwarded emails from her. I, again, did not read them.

That all being said, 1 out of about every 100 chain letter/forwarded emails is outstanding. Ladies and gentlemen, this is that one. The following was sent to me by my buddy Hermo. He is an 8th/9th grade math teacher and one of the biggest boozehounds I know.


Beer contains female hormones.

This indeed is worrisome.

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Great Moments in Manhood

A few weeks back, when ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd was talking about Dallas Maverick forward Dirk Nowitzki's crazed and now ex-fiance who claims she is carrying his child, he said,

"Women are like brownies. Even if a guy isn't hungry, you put a brownie in front of him and he's like, "Ehhh I guess I'll eat it.""

Essentially what he meant was that guys are lazy and they'll usually settle for the girl that's the most aggressive. Sure, sometimes a guy likes the cat and mouse game that occurs when a girl plays hard to get, but in general, they want to put in the least amount of work possible in order to get some. This comment was made because Dirk is a professional athlete and this female is a dog (more on this later). Normally professional athletes have smoking hot wives because they are rich and (most) women are superficial. Most professional athletes also cheat on their spouses at a ramped rate. A female friend of mine (again, I'm a huge FOG), told me that she doesn't respect Kobe Bryant because he infamously cheated on his wife. My argument was that 1.) Kobe's wife, although hot, sucks 2.) Jordan cheated on his wife countless time and 3.) At least 75% of professional athletes (NBA, MLB, and NFL) cheat. Now chicks dig hockey players, but I don't know the sport well enough to include them in my estimation.

Okay, so back to this Dirk situation. His ex-fiance Cristal Taylor was arrested at his home on charges of fraud. Apparently there were warrants out for her arrest in two states and she had used somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 aliases in her adult life. Outside of secret agents, anyone that has an alias is a complete whack job (unless that alias is tater salad). It's a tell tale sign. Kind of like my theory that if you have a tattoo on your neck, you're a thug. Dirk was not the first professional athlete that Ms. Taylor tried to take down. Former St. Louis Rams Quarterback Tony Banks came out and said that he used to date Taylor and that she almost ruined his life.

Here is what Taylor and a mid game Dirk look like:



Any guesses as to what their unborn child is going to look like? Here's mine.

Great Moments in Manhood

For those of you that don't know, I become a little soft during the month of December. What can I say? The holiday season gets the best of me. I start blasting Christmas like there's no tomorrow. But once the new year hits, I go right back to eating red meat, drinking beer, and watching football.

With that being said, I present the first installment of Great Moments in Manhood. These moments capture all that it is to be male by reinforcing the notion of patriarchy.


1.) Melvin Udall (played by Jack Nicholson) in As Good as It Gets (1997)



I've been referencing this scene ever since I saw the movie this summer. In the Oscar nominated film, Jack Nicholson plays a successful writer with obsessive compulsive disorder. At one point he goes to his publishers office to ask for a favor. As he is leaving, the female receptionist tells him how much of a fan she is of his writing. The dialogue then follows like this.

Female Receptionist- How do you write women so well?

Melvin Udall- I think of a man, and take away reason and accountability.


2.) Ari Gold (played by Jeremy Piven) in Entourage



I was recently bored so I re-watched Entourage season one and let me be the first to tell you that season one Ari was pure flames. We all know that he has had plenty of misogynist comments in his day, but I was glad to catch this gem.

"You fire a guy and you create a rival. You fire a girl and you create a housewife."


3.) Colin Cowherd of ESPN Radio



First off, he looks a little young in this picture. He's about 44-years-old nowadays, but he's still the best in the radio business every weekday from 10am-1pm. Last Monday he was talking about how all of the home NFL playoff teams were underdogs. He then said....

"You gotta remember, guys are different than women. If you tell a guy he can't do something, he'll do it. You tell a woman she's fat- she goes on anti-depressants. You tell a guy he's fat- he goes to the gym."