Top 26

This Saturday is my cousin who will not be named's 26th birthday (we are getting oldddd). In honor of that I have compiled the following 26 stories, facts, inside jokes, etc. that I can share. I'm sure he could think of 26 funnier ones, but these are the first ones that I came up with.

1.) My cousin and I took a class together called Argument & Advocacy (Public Speaking) during our sophomore year of college. At the end of class one day our teacher strongly emphasized that we read over Chapter 8 in our book as homework. He was basically implying that we were going to have a pop quiz our next class. My cousin and I immediately blurted out things like, “I’m calling your bluff. You’re all talk,” and, “No way there’s a quiz. Kealey (our professor) doesn’t have it in him.”

Well sure enough to start our next class there was a pop quiz. Naturally neither my cousin nor I had read Chapter 8 because who writes a text book on public speaking anyway? The quiz only had 5 questions and they were all multiple choice. Shortly after we completed the quiz our professor gave us some nonsense assignment to complete in groups. While we were working he was grading the quizzes.

About 10 minutes into working on whatever assignment we were given I heard our professor say, “You gotta be kidding me, Tim. I basically told you that there was going to be a quiz.”

My cousin responded, “They were all curveballs!”

Some Asian kid in the back of the room, “Tim’s a fastball hitter.”

Tim got a 0 on the quiz. I got a 20.


2.) After our freshman year in college my cousin and our cousin Kate came to the city of hopes and dreams to visit me for a few days. We were on our way to a house party and stopped at a gas station to pick up some brews because I saw a large sign that said 18 packs of Bud Light were on sale for $15. I walked in, picked up an 18 pack and placed it on the counter. I was only 19 at the time, but I had my brother’s ID which had always worked for me. After the cashier checked the ID he said, “That’ll be $28.49”

In my head I thought, “Really? The sign right there says $15,” but I gladly forked over the cash because I wasn’t about to challenge him seeing that I was only 19.


3.) While playing beer pong against our housemates during our senior year of college my cousin was delaying the game because he was texting his little heart away. At one point our housemate Max said, “Texting Tim, come on dude. Let’s go.” Five minutes later when Tim was texting again our other housemate Greg said, “Let’s go Texas.” We all stopped and said, “What’d you say?” Instead of just owning up to his mistake Greg went with it and said, “Texas Tim. Let’s go.”

Whenever we see my cousin texting, which is about 23 hours a day, Max and I are sure to call him Texas.


4.) Songs that will all but guarantee to get my cousin out of bed in the morning

Go Cubs Go

The Italian National Anthem (Techno)

Brown Eyed Girl by Jimmy Buffet

Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones

Bang On The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren


5.) a.) During our junior year of college our buddy Glancy had 4 tickets to a Jets/Patriots game, so he decided to take my cousin, Pete (who you should remember from this post), and I. Another one of our friends, named Jack, took it upon himself to come with us even though he didn’t have a ticket. He figured that he’d just buy one once we got up there. If you told Jack you were having a great time anywhere he'd find a way to show up.

We left on a Saturday and went to Boston College to meet up with some friends there. On the ride up, Glancy was driving, Jack was in the passenger seat, and Pete, my cousin, and me were in the back seat. We were big time college dudes at that point so we crushed an entire 30 rack during the drive.

I don’t remember exactly at what point we began asking Glancy to pull over so that we could urinate, but for the sake of the story let’s just say it was after our first beer (it probably was). We must have asked him about 585736848 times and we could tell that he was getting mad, but we really had to pee, so we kept asking. Finally Glancy pulled over on the side of the road on the Mass Pike where a little opening of grass was and Pete, my cousin, and me piled out of his Jeep. As we finished draining our dragons a police car pulled over to the side of the road and onto the grass area where we were.

The cop asked us what we were doing and the genius that I am, keep in mind that I was hammered, said, “Sorry officer, I had to make a phone call.”

“It takes three of you to make a phone call?”

We didn’t know what to say, but God bless his soul he just told us to get out of there.

b.) While at BC we stayed in houses across the street from each other. My cousin and I in one house. Glancy and Pete in another. Where Jack slept I’m not entirely sure, but when it was time to go to Foxboro for the Jets/Pats game he was in Glancy’s jeep with Pete. My cousin and I were definitely still asleep though. Glancy must have called us about 12 times each. Finally we answered and told him that we’d be right out.

10 minutes later we were basically ready to walk out the door and Glancy yelled, “Let’s go assholes!” He was standing in the street and could see us moving about the house.

My cousin and I were still a little hamboned from the night before, so we began chanting, “Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da, Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da.”

c.) A week or two after the trip to Boston my cousin and I overheard Jack telling someone about our ride up. He said, “Petey had about 14 brews, the Stan Man had 12, Birdie (my cousin) had 17, I had 13, and Glance had 7 and he was driving!” In case you aren’t good at math, that’s 63 beers.

For the rest of the year and even sometimes to this day whenever someone asks how many beers we’ve had (who asks that anymore?) we will say that a bunch of us split a 30 rack and then say how many everyone had and blow the numbers way out of proportion.


6.) My cousin and I are really into sports and over the years we’ve watched sporting events with a plethora of people who don’t know that much. This isn’t a big deal by any means, but the worst thing ever is when someone attempts to make sports conversation and they have no clue what they’re talking about.

Our housemate Greg was the king of this. He’d always start out a comment with, “You know that guy on the Giants…..uhhh running back…”

My cousin or I would then say, “Brandon Jacobs?” And before we could finish saying Jacobs Greg would say, “YUP, Brandon Jacobs…that guy is good.”

My cousin and I concluded that he had no idea who he was talking about half of the time and that if we had said any other name, like Tom Jones, he’d say, “YUP, Tom Jones. It was on the tip of my tongue.”


7.) This one is similar in a way. Our RA freshmen year was a goofy kid named Murph. To sum him up quickly- he always wore cargo shorts, even in the winter. During our second semester my cousin and I were convinced that he had no idea what our names were even though we’d been saying hi to him on the path all year.

My cousin astutely pointed out that everytime he said hi to Murph on the path he’d always respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?” It’s like he was programmed to only say that. My cousin concluded that even if you said, “Hey Murph, what’s your favorite color?” he’d respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?”


8.) So the Asian kid from Argument and Advocacy class turned out to be a pretty cool dude whose last name was Burke. So naturally my cousin and I began calling every Asian person we saw “Burke” because, of course, they all look the same.

If we walked into a bar and an Asian kid was in sight my cousin would say, “You didn’t tell me that we were meeting Burke here.” If we walked past an Asian kid on campus I’d say, “Dude, why didn’t you say hi to Burke?” It was basically a running joke for years.


(Actually Burke)

During our Senior year we flew out to South Bend, Indiana for the BC/Notre Dame football game. One night we were there (I can’t remember if it was before or after the game) we decided to swing by the bookstore to stock up on some Irish gear. As we left the bookstore to walk back to where we were staying I noticed an Asian kid sitting on a bench so I nudged my cousin and said, “Aren’t you gonna say hi to Burke?” Sure enough, 750 miles away from Fairfield, it actually was Burke, who had graduated by that point.


9.) Perhaps our favorite Seinfeld line of all time is when Jerry says, “He’s eating onions, he’s spotting dimes. I don’t know what the hell’s going on?” We routinely find this line used in popular culture and send it to one another.

For example, I sent him this from a Bill Simmons column a few years back.

"19. N.Y. Giants
The G-Men remind me of the classic "Seinfeld" episode in which George loses his glasses and bites into an onion that he thought was an apple, but somehow notices a dime on the floor from 25 feet away and picks it up, leading to this exchange in Jerry's apartment after George keeps claiming to have seen Jerry's cousin kissing his girlfriend:
-- ELAINE: "He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eyewitness?"
-- GEORGE (still eating the onion): "I saw them making out, you can believe it!"
-- JERRY (snapping): "I don't know what to believe! You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"


10.) Speaking of the New York Football Giants back in 2007 my cousin pointed out how Eli Manning never throws a spiral. I don't know if it's the wind or what, but he throws wounded ducks every Sunday. Pay attention the next time you watch the G-men play.

For futher proof, my cousin sent me this shortly after the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008.

"Eli on Letterman -

Letterman went through the final drive with him and then asked about the touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress that gave them the 17-14 lead with 35 seconds left...

"It really looked so easy, and it was so beautiful," Letterman said.

"A spiral," Manning replied. "That's rare for me."


11.) Speaking of Eli, my cousin also lives in Hoboken, NJ. He claims to find “the greatest bar ever” about 49 times a year. He then tells me that he’s going to take me there the next time I’m down there. I’ll always ask where it is in relation to his apartment and without fail he’ll say, “It’s a block away.”


12.) My cousin and I both interned at a Sports Marketing firm called Octagon during our senior year of college. Every once and a while Octagon would provide the staff with food. Pizza, subs, etc. There was another intern there named Manny that ate like a garbage disposal. My cousin and I were flabbergasted at how much food this kid could shovel down his mouth. It was amazing.

If I texted my cousin right now and asked what he thinks Manny from Octagon had for lunch he’d reply with something like this, “A stack of ribs, a six foot sub, a triple cheeseburger with grilled cheese as the buns, 18 cookies, and a fudge sundae.”


13.) One night in college after getting home from the bar a group of us decided to go to Wendy’s for some late night slop. I was the first to order and I said, “I’ll have the first 8 things on the dollar menu.” My cousin lost it. He didn’t think that there was any way that I could eat all of that food, but I housed it Manny from Octagon style.

Speaking of fast food, my cousin physically can not order food from a drive thru and take it to his house, apartment, dorm, etc. to eat it. He doesn’t have the patience, so he eats it right away even if he’s driving.


14.) During our junior year my cousin and I were playing the drinking game called hockey with a small group of people in my townhouse. Not too long after our friend Jack joined the game, but he had never played before. We explained that whoever gets shot at gets to spin the quarter and then has to call someone’s name to take a shot at whoever’s beer bottle that they choose. If you don't know how to play it's very easy. Trust me.

Either way, the whole notion of calling someone’s name didn’t exactly register with Jack. Seemingly everytime he’d spin the quarter we’d all be anxiously waiting for him to call a name. Almost everytime we’d have to remind him and he’d inevitable panic and say, “Dahhh…..ahhhh….Birdie (my cousin).” Then there were the handful of times where he’d remember the rules and spin the quarter and quickly and very matter of factly say, “Birdie.”

I kid you not, we played for an hour or two and Jack called my cousin every single time he spun the quarter. Now whenever my cousin or I am flustered we will just say, “Dahh…ahh…Birdie.”


15.) During our senior year of college my cousin and I took an environmental ethics class because it only met once a week and we heard it was an easy A. Our teacher was an old man who had an odd way of describing someone or something that was confused or disoriented. He’d say, “He doesn’t know if he’s pitching or catching,” but he had no clue about the homosexual reference that he was making. I swear, this guy must have said it 3 times a week.


16.) During our freshmen year of college my cousin and I went up to a Syracuse/UCONN football game in Hartford, CT. As fate would have it our tickets were in the middle of the UCONN student section and I was wearing my “Real Men Wear Orange” t-shirt and sticking out like a sore thumb. I was also completely rocked which didn’t help things when the student section showered me with “ASS-HOLE!” chants. Don’t ask me why, but at halftime we decided to meet up with our aunt and uncle who were at the game. Within 15 seconds of the conversation my aunt said, “Dan, you have a few today, or what?”

The best part of the game was the UCONN chant when their team got to the goal line. The band would play a little ditty and then the students would chant, “Stick it in, stick it in, stick it in.” Even though I can’t stand UCONN I thought that was hysterical.




17.) A little more than a year ago my cousin and I were at our friend Mikey’s house for Kyle Korver’s 24th birthday. We somehow got to talking to Mikey’s dad late in the night. Early in the conversation I asked what Mikey’s dad did and he rattled off a few letters very matter of factly, but I didn’t comprehend him so I said, “I’m sorry, where?” He rattled off the same letters (I heard something like “BFG”), but he said it with such conviction that I said, “Oh, of course,” and the conversation carried on. 45 minutes later my cousin said, “I know you mentioned it earlier, but I didn’t catch it, where do you work?” Again, Mikey’s dad said what sounded like a few letters jumbled together. My cousin said, “I’m sorry, what’d you say?” Mikey’s dad repeated the same letters that still sounded like jibberish to my cousin and I and my cousin said, “Oh, of course” and the conversation continued.

Later that night my cousin asked me if I had any clue where Mikey’s dad worked and I laughed and told him that I had no idea, but that I noticed he did the same exact thing I had done.

A few months later we got the courage to ask Kyle Korver where Mikey’s dad works and his response…UPS. I still call bullshit because it sounded like “GHW” or “FHQ”.


18.) My cousin and I have long been fascinated by poop. In fact, in our freshmen year dorm I had a poster of all of the different kinds of poop that one could have; however one was missing. The just maker. This poop occurs when you feel the rumble in your stomach and you know that a mental ticker has been set off. That thing is counting down, so you better get to a toilet as soon as possible before it goes off. Reaching the toilet just as the poop stats erupting out of your rear end is what we like to call a just maker.

Now a few weekends ago my cousin and I were in Stamford for Kyle Korver’s 25th birthday. The following morning I was driving my cousin back to his car at the Fairfield train station. After housing a bacon, egg, and cheese from the Country Cow Deli we took a little campus tour during which my cousin felt the urge. I quickly sped to where there used to be 15 minute parking, but it had been transformed into a random patch of grass. Instead I looped around and parked in the parking lot outside the campus center. I made it in plenty of time for my cousin, so it doesn’t exactly qualify as a just maker, but I unleashed the fury as well. He thought it was hysterical that I was just like, "Yeah I can squeeze one out too."

The following weekend I was in NYC and I had parked my car at the Fairfield train station. Once I got back to it the next morning I felt the urge and dumped in the same toilet in the campus center that I had dumped in almost exactly one week earlier.


19.) Before my cousin met his beautiful girlfriend the old joke that our housemate Greg started was that if you put blonde hair on a pumpkin my cousin would hook up with it. My cousin soon began to refer to blonde girls that were borderline good looking as pump-i-kans.


20.) During our freshmen year of college I co-hosted a radio show with our friend Robby. We mainly played rock music, but we discussed current events from time to time as well. In February of 2005, Temple men’s basketball coach John Chaney admitted to sending in “a goon” to play rough and rack up fouls in a game against St. Joseph’s. That week on our radio show Tim called in from our dorm room and said that he was calling from the WVOF (our station’s call letters) chopper. He made helicopter sounds and pretending that he was zeroing in on John Chaney’s goon.

For the rest of the year, every time he called in it was from the WVOF chopper.


21.) One day during junior or senior year of college a bunch of people were playing pick up basketball at the Rec Plex. I was waiting to play in the next game while my cousin was already playing. He made two layups that he easily could have dunked and I called him out for it.

“Can you not dunk anymore or something? If I could dunk I’d do it every chance I got.”

So sure enough in the following game his team was beating mine 10-8 and he was on a fast break with me chasing him. He went up presumably to finish the game with a dunk to shut me up and I basically tackled him. He fell to the ground, his nose started bleeding, etc.

Let the record show that this was probably only my 2nd most vicious fast break takedown. Number 1 was on a girl, but that’s a story for another time and another place.


22.) Last year in Chicago a bunch of us were in a bar right outside Wrigley Field that has batting cages in it. After a particularly poor round our buddy Ty starting laying into my cousin (I think he swung and missed on all 10 balls he saw), but my cousin quickly retorted with, "Whatever dude. I can still dunk a basketball."


(Clearly I had no trouble in the cages, but then again I can't dunk)


23.) The year before in Chicago Glancy took us to some place for a roast beef sandwich. Apparently it was something that we had to have. My cousin and I showed up in the second cab, so by the time we got there 4 or 5 guys were already eating. Glancy took it upon himself to order for us and the people making our sandwiches literally placed them in a pan of grease and then put them on a tray for us. My cousin and I proceeded to make jokes about how we wanted our grease sandwiches without the roast beef next time, etc. Glancy said, "You guys are such assholes," and my cousin and I instinctively starting chanting, "Let's go ass-holes, da, da, da da da!"




24.) My cousin and I formed an air band at some point during our senior year of college. He was the ax man, I was the lead singer, and a kid 2 years younger than us was the drummer. Our go to songs, if I remember correctly, were U2- Pride and Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll. We only rocked out once or twice, but a year or two after we graduated we each wrote about 5-6 times on our “drummer’s” Facebook wall about getting the band back together.




25.) I've shared this story before, but it's one of my favorites. In February of our senior year my cousin and I went to a Knicks game with his girlfriend and her roommate. My cousin's girlfriend's roommate got us the tickets through her dad and she gladly dropped his credit card for food, beer, etc. The next day my cousin tracked down her father's email address and sent him a message thanking him for the tickets, etc. The email he got back read, "STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"


26.) During our freshman year of college there was a kid who would randomly dump on our floor's bathroom. My cousin and I dubbed him the phantom shitter and assumed that he must be hooking up with a girl who lived on the other side of the dorm.

I tell you this only because the year after we graduated a bunch of us went out in Stamford and slept at some girl's apartment. When everyone woke up the next morning there was poop chilling in the toilet. The girls obviously tried to pin it on the guys, but when all of the guys were alone at the Stamford train station no one came clean. This, of course, means that a girl was the phantom shitter that night.

All Good Things Come to an End

It's hard to believe that in the past couple of weeks a few iconic television series have come to an end. It's rare nowadays that a series has a meaningful run before walking off into the sunset. Before last week, I honestly can't think of the last time that I watched a season finale and knew that it was also the series finale. Usually a show is cancelled before it even gets going. Look no further than Arrested Development or Reunion (a show on FOX that had me hooked during my sophomore year of college, but was cancelled halfway through it's first season).

Now of the big three that came to end, Lost, 24, and American Idol (for all intents and purposes), I actually watched 24, so I will dedicate this post to the show's lasting memory. There were plenty of elements that made the show what it was, but I believe that these were the most significant.

The decision to have the events of the show occur in real time was a truly unique idea. You know how in highschool and college your professors encouraged you to think outside of the box? This is a perfect example of doing just that. To my knowledge no show had ever tried it and quite frankly I don't think anyone will try it again for quite some time. I'm thinking it won't be until the modernized version of 24 debuts in about 15-20 years.

This whole real time notion was really the shows linchpin from it's inception. The concept intrigued viewers enough to give the show a shot and once they watched an entire episode they got hooked by the action packed cliff hanger drama. Producing 24 hours of content with that many storylines, twists, turns, shoot outs, etc. is truly remarkable. It's for this reason that I'm already hesistant about the 24 movie. Will the movie be in real time? If not, a lot of the luster is gone. If it is in real time, then the movie might feel like a regular two hour finale without all the pent up drama from the first 22 hours.

The show was both ahead of the curve and reactionary. In terms of being ahead of the curve, look no further than David Palmer, the one term Senator who met his strong, powerful wife in college that would go on to be the first African American President of the United States. Season 1 of 24 came out well before Obama was elected to the Senate, so as far as I'm concerned he simply followed Palmer's rubric. Also, once a female is elected as to the presidency (and it will happen), I'm going to give all the credit to 24's Allison Taylor.

While the show's writers were clearly ahead of the ball in some areas, they also blended in some plot lines in response to current events. Here's one of many examples. After the whole waterboarding/torture issue came to light, the show put Jack in front of a Senate committee to answer questions about his history using torture.

A very underrated part about 24 was that, at least to me, it didn't seem to have an agenda. The show's plot consistently dealt with national security measures, which gave the writer's/producer's a perfect opportunity to unleash a little social commentary, but I never got the feeling that they were trying to make a point. This, again to me at least, is a refreshing thought, especially if you consider the fact that the show was on FOX, a company that is thought to be in bed with the GOP.

24 had two different types of characters. The first type were those that I recognized from a previous role. More often that not I didn't know their actual name, but I knew the name of a character that they had played in the past. The second type are the actors/actresses that I will now always associate with their character on the show. Their actual names will slip my memory (if they havent already), but I will undoubtedly remember the name of the character that they played on 24 and I will refer to them as such for the remainder of their careers.

Type 1

President David Palmer was played by Pedro Cerrano from Major League



President Taylor's chief of staff Ethan Kanin was played by the warden from The Shawshank Redpemption



FBI Agent Larry Moss was played by Coach Orion from D3



CTU Agent Cole Ortiz was played by Zach Siler from She's All That



Type 2



Mary Lynn Rajskub will forever be Chloe O'Brian to me. Actually she's mostly Chloe, but part of me also thinks of her as the snail from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



Even though she's reached name recognition status because she's hot (Elisha Cuthbert), this puck loving slut will always be Kim Bauer to me.



Carlos Bernard is a name I will not remember. To me, his name is, and always will be, Tony Almeida.



I don't even want to mention her real name (Sarah Clarke) because I still loathe her for being a back stabbing bitch in Season 1. In fact, Nina Myers who I think of when I hear the word traitor and believe me when I tell you that she had some serious competition for that top spot.

1.) Nina Myers
2.) Benedict Arnold
3.) A.J. Burnett

The lasting legacy of 24 will be Jack. There's really no debate. His ruthless determination, marksmanship, interrogation tactics, and situational savvy have elevated him to American hero status.

That being said, 24's lasting legacy is a bit different for me personally. During my freshman year of college I watched Seasons 1-2 on DVD in my buddy Glancy's room with a few other friends. Apparently we had a lottt of free time during our freshmen year because I don't remember it ever being too hard to get all 4-5 of us together to watch a handful of episodes. I'm sure this was common among 24 viewers, but we always used to guess what time the show would come back from commercial with. My strategy was always to guess 4:20 (no marijuana reference intended) after the last second shown before the commercial break. If the time you guessed was the first one shown when the show came back from commercial it was like rolling a 1.00 on the Price is Right wheel. If the time you guessed was one of the 7 (I think) seconds shown it was like landing in the green on the Price is Right wheel (I think the green was .05 and .90). Hopefully someone knows what I mean by that reference.

Our obsession with the show went as far as some of us occasionaly answering the phone and saying..."CTU, Tony Almeida speaking." Speaking of Almeida, there was actually a girl we went to school with who's last name was Almeida, so you better believe that we referred to her as every possible relative to Tony in the book. One day she was Tony's little sister. The next she was his daughter. Etc.

Bottom line, 24 was undoubtedly an iconic television show. Whether it's because of Jack, for strengthening friendships, or for some other reason, I give you my word that the show will be remembered for a long time to come.

"These are my friends?!?"

Happy belated St. Patrick's day to you and yours. I'm 50% Irish and I am all about my heritage, although I don't like mashed potatoes and I order my corned beef sandwiches on white bread instead of rye. Unfortunately I didn't get the chance to throw back some Guinness last evening because I was at work, but I did get to celebrate 12 days ago in Hoboken, NJ.

The following is an account of the events of that day (to the best of my recollection). The night before (or as we called it, the semi-finals), 10 people stayed in my cousin's apartment. He has two roommates and each of them had a friend stay over in their respective rooms. With my cousin, in his room, was our friend Tyler. The remaining 4 of us (many of whom you will remember from my Friends before Fame post) were relegated to the living room. Max and Pete shared a large couch, Glancy, who flew in from Chicago, slept on a smaller couch, and I slept on the floor.

7:00 a.m.- Max's alarm goes off. Pete and I have nightmares about Glancy's alarm clock ringing for hours on end during our junior year of college.

7:03 a.m.- For the third time in a matter of 2 minutes Max turns the bath water on and quickly turns it off. Clearly he can't figure out how to turn the shower on.

7:04 a.m.- Max goes into my cousin's room and asks him how to get the shower going. Trust me when I tell you that this is the last time that Max will ever need any help getting something going.

7:55 a.m.- I wake up and make a bee line for the toilet.

7:59 a.m.- Dump #1 of the day is complete.

8:12 a.m.- After showering and getting dressed I notice that Max has gotten bagels. Yahtzee.

8:25 a.m.- I crack my first of what will be many brews of the day.

8:26 a.m.- I'm hammered.

10:07 a.m.- Kyle Korver, who I haven't seen for nearly a year, and Robby show up with Korver's girlfriend and her friend.

10:32 a.m.- Korver and I have been in a college basketball pool, called the most dangerous game, all year where we've picked 10 games against the spread for each week of the season (my buddy runs it on his website). It's the last day of the pool and there are four games to pick. Korver is in first place by 2 games. I am in last place. If he gets 2 out of his 4 picks correct he will win $1000. After looking at the lines I encourage him to make the following picks (in caps)....

SYRACUSE +1.5 @ Louisville
West Virginia @ VILLANOVA -2.5
Texas @ BAYLOR -2.5
Kansas @ MISSOURI +3

11:13 a.m.- Three of our friends from college are having a party at their apartment, which is a few blocks away, so we decide to go.

11:27 a.m.- Within a minute of entering the party I somehow find myself participating in a 3 on 3 game of rapid fire (3 on 3 rapid fire seemed to replace the more traditional 2 on 2 beer pong during our senior year of college).

12:08 p.m.- For the third time in the past half an hour someone tries to pour beer into the tiny mug hanging from my necklace.



12:42 p.m.- Four girls that graduated from Fairfield the year after me (3 of which I have never met) proceed to tell me how great of a writer I was in college.

12:56 p.m.- Friend X tells me how they made $30,000 the previous Friday, but not to tell anyone about it.

1:12 p.m.- A friend introduces me to a kid that works for the NFL Network. My friend has undoubtedly just met the kid, yet he is pretending to be best friends with him (and with me for that matter). The kid who works for the NFL Network is very bald (I assume it's due to chemotherapy) and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

1:15 p.m.- A girl I knew in college interrupts my forced conversation with the kid from the NFL Network and says nothing of any relative importance. I assume that she found herself standing alone with no one to talk to amidst a crowded party and just latched onto the closest person she saw (me).

1:31 p.m.- Back to the beer pong table (interesting that it's still called a beer pong table even though we were playing 3 on 3 rapid fire) where I completely let my female teammates down because I'm distracted by my cousin's highschool friends who ask me why I borrowed my sister's hat.



For the record, I got the green, Jameson Irish Whiskey hat for free the weekend before in a bar in Boston.

2:11 p.m.- Villanova has lost to West Virginia by 2 in overtime which means that Kyle Korver and I are 0-1 on the day. The Syracuse game is in the opening minutes.

2:20 p.m.- I give up trying to watch the Syracuse game while sitting on the couch because the people that are standing around a different beer pong table (watching with a rooting interest?) keep getting in my line of sight.

2:35 p.m.- While standing approximately 3 inches away from the TV, someone that I've never met starts telling me how he's played with half the Louisville team.

2:52 p.m.- The Orange are up 5 at the half, so I make my way up to the rooftop to scope out the scene.

3:04 p.m.- My aunt calls and for some reason (I'm hammered) I answer. I can't hear a word she's saying, so I eventually hang up.

3:46 p.m.- A no name walk-on dunks to put Louisville up by 10 with under 3 minutes to play.

3:48 p.m.- Adding insult to injury, Kansas is up by 15 on Missouri in the closing minutes. Thanks to my advice, Kyle Korver has lost 3 of his 4 picks (thankfully Baylor covered) and has blown an opportunity to win $1000 outright. My buddy, who runs the site, would go on to call Korver's choke job the biggest public collapse since Hank Gathers. Days later Korver and I agree that this collapse was inevitable....he's a Mets fan. Had he won, my facebook picture would have looked like this:


(Korver's head on the logo that my buddy used for the most dangerous game all year)

4:21 p.m.- Glancy asks me to do a shot of Jameson with him, but I refuse (don't judge me) because I know that the night is still young and I'm not looking to yack.

4:35 p.m.- Our friends that live in the apartment tell all of the partygoers that "the cops are coming." Translation: If we don't know you, please leave.

4:50 p.m.- My cousin, his friends from home, Pete, and Tyler are nowhere to be found. I call him and he doesn't answer.

4:51 p.m.- I text him and his girlfriend and ask if they left the party.

4:53 p.m.- His girlfriend responds and says that she hasn't left the party, but that my cousin has gone to get food.

5:06 p.m.- Max and I are starving so we leave the apartment and try meet up with our friends who have left to get food. Glancy comes with us.

5:15 p.m.- We finally meet up with them outside a Domino's. Not only am I starving, but I'm now excited to try Domino's' new pizza. Max and I order a large cheese. Glancy doesn't want to eat because, for some reason, he considered it a weakness on this day of drinking. He wants the metaphorical title of MVP of the day and thinks that eating any food will hurt his chances of garnering the award.

5:21 p.m.- Max and I go back inside to check on our pizza. It's ready, but instead of bringing it outside and having pieces get sniped by our friends, we house the entire thing inside. I'm drunk, so my tastebuds would have liked just about anything, but the Domino's pizza tastes no different from how it used to.

5:32 p.m.- My cousin, Pete, Glancy, Tyler, etc. want to go to a bar, but Max and I have to go to the bathroom. We head back up to our friends' apartment and tell them that we will call/text them when we are done.

5:38 p.m.- There are two bathrooms in the apartment and one of them is vacant, so Max and I (for some reason) decide to go into it together. Girls do it all the time, right?

5:39 p.m.- Well let's just say that I hope girls don't do what Max and I did when they go to the bathroom together. As Max peed in the sink, I unleashed dump #2 of the day on the toilet.

6:20 p.m.- My cousin, Glancy, Pete, Ty, etc. have returned to the party. Max and I forgot to call/text them after our bathroom stop, but apparently the bar idea didn't work out.

6:44 p.m.- Max, Robby, and I have a conversation with a female about the type of vagina that men prefer.

7:32 p.m.- After a long day of drinking everyone is starting to show signs of weariness, so our group decides to head out.

7:35 p.m.- Max has lost his phone, so he stays behind even though we searched just about everywhere in the apartment for it.

7:46 p.m.- On the walk back to his girlfriend's apartment my cousin and I have the following exchange:

My cousin: By the way, I went up to the rooftop with Friend X and he told me...
Me: That he made $30,000 last Friday?
My cousin: Yeah, he told you too? He told me not to tell anyone.
Me: Yeah, he said the same thing to me. I guess by "Don't tell anyone" he meant, "Don't tell anyone because I'm going to tell everyone individually."
My cousin: "Even if I barely know them."

7:49 p.m.- Tyler sarcastically sings, "Don't knock it, Don't knock ittttt!" for the 8th time of the day. Clearly he is not a fan of the Kings of Leon. They apparently don't stack up to Andrew W.K.

7:52 p.m.- Tyler, Kyle Korver, Robby, and Korver's girlfriend and friend decide to head back into the city/home.

8:20 p.m.- While at the apartment of my cousin's girlfriend, I get a call from a female that I had spent the majority of the day with...or so I think. On the other end of the phone is Max. He wants to come to where we are, but doesn't know how to get there, so I hand my phone to one of the girls that lives there.

8:22 p.m.- The girl who has my phone gives Max directions and tells him to call her when he gets to the apartment building so that she can go down and let him in.

8:22 p.m.- "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE. WHAT PART ABOUT THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" -Max

9:34 p.m.- After laying low for a while we start playing a would you rather type game (complete with actual game cards) that gets pretty gross pretty quick. For the sake of the little dignity that I have left I won't provide an example of a typical question, but feel free to ask me for one at your convenience.

10:36 p.m.- I attempt to sneak out a quick dump, but after letting some gas go I realize that dump #3 of the day is not ready to disembark quite yet.

10:40 p.m.- Pete tells us that a few girls we know are having a party so we decide to head over there.

11:00 p.m.- We arrive at the our friends' apartment and quickly realize that there isn't much of a party going on after all.

11:24 p.m.- After drinking a few brews and putting up with a girl that was hammered beyond belief, we decide to go to a bar.

11:35 p.m.- The bar that the Hoboken residents have chosen to go to has a line and a cover.

11:37 p.m.- A girl we all know quite well, who is very Irish, walks by with some guy and we realize that we surprisingly haven't seen her all day. After stopping briefly to talk to us, she goes on her way, presumably to get some.

11:39 p.m.- My cousin, his girlfriend, her two roommates, Max, Pete, Glancy, and I decide to go find a different bar because we don't want to wait in line.

11:50 p.m.- We arrive at one of the most Irish bars in Hoboken and 5 of the 8 people in our group get in right away.

11:57 p.m.- After waiting outside for a few minutes with my cousin and one of his girlfriend's roommates, I enter the bar and head right to the men's room.

12:04 a.m.- Dump #3 of the day is officially in the books. I've been in the bathroom before, so I knew what I was working with.

12:23 a.m.- Glancy wants to order 5 shots of Jameson, but my cousin and I convince him to order car bombs instead.

12:24 a.m.- After being told that the bar doesn't serve car bombs (it's a policy- fake ass Irish bar, I know), Glancy asks the bartender if he hates America. He orders red bull vodkas instead.

12:25 a.m.- While the bartender is pouring the drinks, Glancy tells him to make sure there's enough vodka in the drinks because he wants to get his money's worth. The words, "We don't want that pussy shit" may or may not have come out of his mouth. The bartender asks Glancy if he's going to have enough money for that (that being the stiff drinks). Glancy says, "Yeah, pal."

12:26 a.m.- The bartender tells Glancy that he owes $65. Within seconds Glancy throws $80 on the bar and says, "Just give me 5 back."

12:37 a.m.- While talking to my cousin about Syracuse basketball (How they lost that day, what I think it means for them in the Big East and NCAA Tournaments, etc), Glancy throws a beer on the ground (a Miller lite, of course) and shoves me in the chest. As I regain my balance 5 feet away he says, "If you ever say a bad word about Chicago, I will knock you the fuck out."

12:42 a.m.- One of the fresh jams that Pete selected on the jukebox inspires Glancy to momentarily bust a move. For reasons still unknown, he starts to, as they say, back up into the 6'4 225 pound bouncer who is standing behind him. After a stern warning, Glancy says, "I have to tone it down? Ok, I will. Sorry."

12:47 a.m.- One of the females from our group starts talking in jibberish (She has her own language when she blacks out), so her roommate that doesn't date my cousin takes her home.

12:53 a.m.- Glancy goes on a tirade about how we've all become fake ass drinkers and fallen victim to the New York/Connecticut bar scene.

12:54 a.m.- Pete reminds Glancy that we are in New Jersey.

12:58 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chicago (a friend's cousin that he met in Chicago) just so happens to be in the bar, so Glancy attempts to order more drinks.

1:03 a.m.- I don't hear the exact exchange between Glancy and the bartender, but it ends with the bartender saying, "I can't fucking deal with you right now. You're done. Get out of here."

1:04 a.m.- The same bouncer that Glancy was grinding up against earlier escorts him outside.

1:17 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chi town meets us at another bar.

1:28 a.m.- Pete befriends some kid at the bar who decides to buy a round of Jameson shots. I initially refuse, but he says, "Don't be a pussy. It's St. Patrick's day," so I accept a shot.

1:29 a.m.- 6 or 7 of us rip the shots and I notice that the kid who bought them doesn't take one. I mention this to Pete and apparently the kid said, "I don't drink Jameson."

1:45 a.m.- My cousin and his girlfriend head back to my cousin's apartment. Glancy is looking to party although he can barely stand up and Pete's looking to creep on some girls, so Max and I stay and hang out with them.

2:17 a.m.- Glancy throws a beer on the ground, grabs another and does a hollow man (see below). It's time to leave.




2:26 a.m.- On the walk back to my cousin's apartment Max, Pete, Glancy, and I express our desire to devour some late night drunk food. I'm the only one who knows where we are going, so I tell everyone to keep their eyes peeled for potential food spots.

2:33 a.m.- Glancy sees a place with lights on across the street and says, "Let's eat there."

2:33 a.m.- Max, Pete, and I look across the street and see that the place Glancy has selected to eat is a laundromat.

2:35 a.m.- Glancy gets fed up with the three of us laughing at him so he aggressively picks me up and throws me on the hood of a parked car.

2:42 a.m.- We get back to my cousin's apartment and his girlfriend has ordered pizza. Touchdown.

2:55 a.m.- After listening to Max, Pete and I tell my cousin and his girlfriend what happened after they left Glancy says, "I'd kill for any one of you guys.......but I don't want to hang out with any of you guys right now."


As if the MVP award was in any doubt, Glancy sent us all a text from the airport at 1:50 p.m. the following day.

"I just threw up in a trash can waiting for the shuttle to take me to my terminal. Needless to say I'm gonna wait for the next one so I don't have to ride with these people who are staring at me in disgust."