The following is an account of the events of that day (to the best of my recollection). The night before (or as we called it, the semi-finals), 10 people stayed in my cousin's apartment. He has two roommates and each of them had a friend stay over in their respective rooms. With my cousin, in his room, was our friend Tyler. The remaining 4 of us (many of whom you will remember from my Friends before Fame post) were relegated to the living room. Max and Pete shared a large couch, Glancy, who flew in from Chicago, slept on a smaller couch, and I slept on the floor.
7:00 a.m.- Max's alarm goes off. Pete and I have nightmares about Glancy's alarm clock ringing for hours on end during our junior year of college.
7:03 a.m.- For the third time in a matter of 2 minutes Max turns the bath water on and quickly turns it off. Clearly he can't figure out how to turn the shower on.
7:04 a.m.- Max goes into my cousin's room and asks him how to get the shower going. Trust me when I tell you that this is the last time that Max will ever need any help getting something going.
7:55 a.m.- I wake up and make a bee line for the toilet.
7:59 a.m.- Dump #1 of the day is complete.
8:12 a.m.- After showering and getting dressed I notice that Max has gotten bagels. Yahtzee.
8:25 a.m.- I crack my first of what will be many brews of the day.
8:26 a.m.- I'm hammered.
10:07 a.m.- Kyle Korver, who I haven't seen for nearly a year, and Robby show up with Korver's girlfriend and her friend.
10:32 a.m.- Korver and I have been in a college basketball pool, called the most dangerous game, all year where we've picked 10 games against the spread for each week of the season (my buddy runs it on his website). It's the last day of the pool and there are four games to pick. Korver is in first place by 2 games. I am in last place. If he gets 2 out of his 4 picks correct he will win $1000. After looking at the lines I encourage him to make the following picks (in caps)....
SYRACUSE +1.5 @ Louisville
West Virginia @ VILLANOVA -2.5
Texas @ BAYLOR -2.5
Kansas @ MISSOURI +3
11:13 a.m.- Three of our friends from college are having a party at their apartment, which is a few blocks away, so we decide to go.
11:27 a.m.- Within a minute of entering the party I somehow find myself participating in a 3 on 3 game of rapid fire (3 on 3 rapid fire seemed to replace the more traditional 2 on 2 beer pong during our senior year of college).
12:08 p.m.- For the third time in the past half an hour someone tries to pour beer into the tiny mug hanging from my necklace.
12:42 p.m.- Four girls that graduated from Fairfield the year after me (3 of which I have never met) proceed to tell me how great of a writer I was in college.
12:56 p.m.- Friend X tells me how they made $30,000 the previous Friday, but not to tell anyone about it.
1:12 p.m.- A friend introduces me to a kid that works for the NFL Network. My friend has undoubtedly just met the kid, yet he is pretending to be best friends with him (and with me for that matter). The kid who works for the NFL Network is very bald (I assume it's due to chemotherapy) and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.
1:15 p.m.- A girl I knew in college interrupts my forced conversation with the kid from the NFL Network and says nothing of any relative importance. I assume that she found herself standing alone with no one to talk to amidst a crowded party and just latched onto the closest person she saw (me).
1:31 p.m.- Back to the beer pong table (interesting that it's still called a beer pong table even though we were playing 3 on 3 rapid fire) where I completely let my female teammates down because I'm distracted by my cousin's highschool friends who ask me why I borrowed my sister's hat.
For the record, I got the green, Jameson Irish Whiskey hat for free the weekend before in a bar in Boston.
2:11 p.m.- Villanova has lost to West Virginia by 2 in overtime which means that Kyle Korver and I are 0-1 on the day. The Syracuse game is in the opening minutes.
2:20 p.m.- I give up trying to watch the Syracuse game while sitting on the couch because the people that are standing around a different beer pong table (watching with a rooting interest?) keep getting in my line of sight.
2:35 p.m.- While standing approximately 3 inches away from the TV, someone that I've never met starts telling me how he's played with half the Louisville team.
2:52 p.m.- The Orange are up 5 at the half, so I make my way up to the rooftop to scope out the scene.
3:04 p.m.- My aunt calls and for some reason (I'm hammered) I answer. I can't hear a word she's saying, so I eventually hang up.
3:46 p.m.- A no name walk-on dunks to put Louisville up by 10 with under 3 minutes to play.
3:48 p.m.- Adding insult to injury, Kansas is up by 15 on Missouri in the closing minutes. Thanks to my advice, Kyle Korver has lost 3 of his 4 picks (thankfully Baylor covered) and has blown an opportunity to win $1000 outright. My buddy, who runs the site, would go on to call Korver's choke job the biggest public collapse since Hank Gathers. Days later Korver and I agree that this collapse was inevitable....he's a Mets fan. Had he won, my facebook picture would have looked like this:
(Korver's head on the logo that my buddy used for the most dangerous game all year)
4:21 p.m.- Glancy asks me to do a shot of Jameson with him, but I refuse (don't judge me) because I know that the night is still young and I'm not looking to yack.
4:35 p.m.- Our friends that live in the apartment tell all of the partygoers that "the cops are coming." Translation: If we don't know you, please leave.
4:50 p.m.- My cousin, his friends from home, Pete, and Tyler are nowhere to be found. I call him and he doesn't answer.
4:51 p.m.- I text him and his girlfriend and ask if they left the party.
4:53 p.m.- His girlfriend responds and says that she hasn't left the party, but that my cousin has gone to get food.
5:06 p.m.- Max and I are starving so we leave the apartment and try meet up with our friends who have left to get food. Glancy comes with us.
5:15 p.m.- We finally meet up with them outside a Domino's. Not only am I starving, but I'm now excited to try Domino's' new pizza. Max and I order a large cheese. Glancy doesn't want to eat because, for some reason, he considered it a weakness on this day of drinking. He wants the metaphorical title of MVP of the day and thinks that eating any food will hurt his chances of garnering the award.
5:21 p.m.- Max and I go back inside to check on our pizza. It's ready, but instead of bringing it outside and having pieces get sniped by our friends, we house the entire thing inside. I'm drunk, so my tastebuds would have liked just about anything, but the Domino's pizza tastes no different from how it used to.
5:32 p.m.- My cousin, Pete, Glancy, Tyler, etc. want to go to a bar, but Max and I have to go to the bathroom. We head back up to our friends' apartment and tell them that we will call/text them when we are done.
5:38 p.m.- There are two bathrooms in the apartment and one of them is vacant, so Max and I (for some reason) decide to go into it together. Girls do it all the time, right?
5:39 p.m.- Well let's just say that I hope girls don't do what Max and I did when they go to the bathroom together. As Max peed in the sink, I unleashed dump #2 of the day on the toilet.
6:20 p.m.- My cousin, Glancy, Pete, Ty, etc. have returned to the party. Max and I forgot to call/text them after our bathroom stop, but apparently the bar idea didn't work out.
6:44 p.m.- Max, Robby, and I have a conversation with a female about the type of vagina that men prefer.
7:32 p.m.- After a long day of drinking everyone is starting to show signs of weariness, so our group decides to head out.
7:35 p.m.- Max has lost his phone, so he stays behind even though we searched just about everywhere in the apartment for it.
7:46 p.m.- On the walk back to his girlfriend's apartment my cousin and I have the following exchange:
My cousin: By the way, I went up to the rooftop with Friend X and he told me...
Me: That he made $30,000 last Friday?
My cousin: Yeah, he told you too? He told me not to tell anyone.
Me: Yeah, he said the same thing to me. I guess by "Don't tell anyone" he meant, "Don't tell anyone because I'm going to tell everyone individually."
My cousin: "Even if I barely know them."
7:49 p.m.- Tyler sarcastically sings, "Don't knock it, Don't knock ittttt!" for the 8th time of the day. Clearly he is not a fan of the Kings of Leon. They apparently don't stack up to Andrew W.K.
7:52 p.m.- Tyler, Kyle Korver, Robby, and Korver's girlfriend and friend decide to head back into the city/home.
8:20 p.m.- While at the apartment of my cousin's girlfriend, I get a call from a female that I had spent the majority of the day with...or so I think. On the other end of the phone is Max. He wants to come to where we are, but doesn't know how to get there, so I hand my phone to one of the girls that lives there.
8:22 p.m.- The girl who has my phone gives Max directions and tells him to call her when he gets to the apartment building so that she can go down and let him in.
8:22 p.m.- "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE. WHAT PART ABOUT THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" -Max
9:34 p.m.- After laying low for a while we start playing a would you rather type game (complete with actual game cards) that gets pretty gross pretty quick. For the sake of the little dignity that I have left I won't provide an example of a typical question, but feel free to ask me for one at your convenience.
10:36 p.m.- I attempt to sneak out a quick dump, but after letting some gas go I realize that dump #3 of the day is not ready to disembark quite yet.
10:40 p.m.- Pete tells us that a few girls we know are having a party so we decide to head over there.
11:00 p.m.- We arrive at the our friends' apartment and quickly realize that there isn't much of a party going on after all.
11:24 p.m.- After drinking a few brews and putting up with a girl that was hammered beyond belief, we decide to go to a bar.
11:35 p.m.- The bar that the Hoboken residents have chosen to go to has a line and a cover.
11:37 p.m.- A girl we all know quite well, who is very Irish, walks by with some guy and we realize that we surprisingly haven't seen her all day. After stopping briefly to talk to us, she goes on her way, presumably to get some.
11:39 p.m.- My cousin, his girlfriend, her two roommates, Max, Pete, Glancy, and I decide to go find a different bar because we don't want to wait in line.
11:50 p.m.- We arrive at one of the most Irish bars in Hoboken and 5 of the 8 people in our group get in right away.
11:57 p.m.- After waiting outside for a few minutes with my cousin and one of his girlfriend's roommates, I enter the bar and head right to the men's room.
12:04 a.m.- Dump #3 of the day is officially in the books. I've been in the bathroom before, so I knew what I was working with.
12:23 a.m.- Glancy wants to order 5 shots of Jameson, but my cousin and I convince him to order car bombs instead.
12:24 a.m.- After being told that the bar doesn't serve car bombs (it's a policy- fake ass Irish bar, I know), Glancy asks the bartender if he hates America. He orders red bull vodkas instead.
12:25 a.m.- While the bartender is pouring the drinks, Glancy tells him to make sure there's enough vodka in the drinks because he wants to get his money's worth. The words, "We don't want that pussy shit" may or may not have come out of his mouth. The bartender asks Glancy if he's going to have enough money for that (that being the stiff drinks). Glancy says, "Yeah, pal."
12:26 a.m.- The bartender tells Glancy that he owes $65. Within seconds Glancy throws $80 on the bar and says, "Just give me 5 back."
12:37 a.m.- While talking to my cousin about Syracuse basketball (How they lost that day, what I think it means for them in the Big East and NCAA Tournaments, etc), Glancy throws a beer on the ground (a Miller lite, of course) and shoves me in the chest. As I regain my balance 5 feet away he says, "If you ever say a bad word about Chicago, I will knock you the fuck out."
12:42 a.m.- One of the fresh jams that Pete selected on the jukebox inspires Glancy to momentarily bust a move. For reasons still unknown, he starts to, as they say, back up into the 6'4 225 pound bouncer who is standing behind him. After a stern warning, Glancy says, "I have to tone it down? Ok, I will. Sorry."
12:47 a.m.- One of the females from our group starts talking in jibberish (She has her own language when she blacks out), so her roommate that doesn't date my cousin takes her home.
12:53 a.m.- Glancy goes on a tirade about how we've all become fake ass drinkers and fallen victim to the New York/Connecticut bar scene.
12:54 a.m.- Pete reminds Glancy that we are in New Jersey.
12:58 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chicago (a friend's cousin that he met in Chicago) just so happens to be in the bar, so Glancy attempts to order more drinks.
1:03 a.m.- I don't hear the exact exchange between Glancy and the bartender, but it ends with the bartender saying, "I can't fucking deal with you right now. You're done. Get out of here."
1:04 a.m.- The same bouncer that Glancy was grinding up against earlier escorts him outside.
1:17 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chi town meets us at another bar.
1:28 a.m.- Pete befriends some kid at the bar who decides to buy a round of Jameson shots. I initially refuse, but he says, "Don't be a pussy. It's St. Patrick's day," so I accept a shot.
1:29 a.m.- 6 or 7 of us rip the shots and I notice that the kid who bought them doesn't take one. I mention this to Pete and apparently the kid said, "I don't drink Jameson."
1:45 a.m.- My cousin and his girlfriend head back to my cousin's apartment. Glancy is looking to party although he can barely stand up and Pete's looking to creep on some girls, so Max and I stay and hang out with them.
2:17 a.m.- Glancy throws a beer on the ground, grabs another and does a hollow man (see below). It's time to leave.
2:26 a.m.- On the walk back to my cousin's apartment Max, Pete, Glancy, and I express our desire to devour some late night drunk food. I'm the only one who knows where we are going, so I tell everyone to keep their eyes peeled for potential food spots.
2:33 a.m.- Glancy sees a place with lights on across the street and says, "Let's eat there."
2:33 a.m.- Max, Pete, and I look across the street and see that the place Glancy has selected to eat is a laundromat.
2:35 a.m.- Glancy gets fed up with the three of us laughing at him so he aggressively picks me up and throws me on the hood of a parked car.
2:42 a.m.- We get back to my cousin's apartment and his girlfriend has ordered pizza. Touchdown.
2:55 a.m.- After listening to Max, Pete and I tell my cousin and his girlfriend what happened after they left Glancy says, "I'd kill for any one of you guys.......but I don't want to hang out with any of you guys right now."
As if the MVP award was in any doubt, Glancy sent us all a text from the airport at 1:50 p.m. the following day.
"I just threw up in a trash can waiting for the shuttle to take me to my terminal. Needless to say I'm gonna wait for the next one so I don't have to ride with these people who are staring at me in disgust."
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