1.) My cousin and I took a class together called Argument & Advocacy (Public Speaking) during our sophomore year of college. At the end of class one day our teacher strongly emphasized that we read over Chapter 8 in our book as homework. He was basically implying that we were going to have a pop quiz our next class. My cousin and I immediately blurted out things like, “I’m calling your bluff. You’re all talk,” and, “No way there’s a quiz. Kealey (our professor) doesn’t have it in him.”
Well sure enough to start our next class there was a pop quiz. Naturally neither my cousin nor I had read Chapter 8 because who writes a text book on public speaking anyway? The quiz only had 5 questions and they were all multiple choice. Shortly after we completed the quiz our professor gave us some nonsense assignment to complete in groups. While we were working he was grading the quizzes.
About 10 minutes into working on whatever assignment we were given I heard our professor say, “You gotta be kidding me, Tim. I basically told you that there was going to be a quiz.”
My cousin responded, “They were all curveballs!”
Some Asian kid in the back of the room, “Tim’s a fastball hitter.”
Tim got a 0 on the quiz. I got a 20.
2.) After our freshman year in college my cousin and our cousin Kate came to the city of hopes and dreams to visit me for a few days. We were on our way to a house party and stopped at a gas station to pick up some brews because I saw a large sign that said 18 packs of Bud Light were on sale for $15. I walked in, picked up an 18 pack and placed it on the counter. I was only 19 at the time, but I had my brother’s ID which had always worked for me. After the cashier checked the ID he said, “That’ll be $28.49”
In my head I thought, “Really? The sign right there says $15,” but I gladly forked over the cash because I wasn’t about to challenge him seeing that I was only 19.
3.) While playing beer pong against our housemates during our senior year of college my cousin was delaying the game because he was texting his little heart away. At one point our housemate Max said, “Texting Tim, come on dude. Let’s go.” Five minutes later when Tim was texting again our other housemate Greg said, “Let’s go Texas.” We all stopped and said, “What’d you say?” Instead of just owning up to his mistake Greg went with it and said, “Texas Tim. Let’s go.”
Whenever we see my cousin texting, which is about 23 hours a day, Max and I are sure to call him Texas.
4.) Songs that will all but guarantee to get my cousin out of bed in the morning
Go Cubs Go
The Italian National Anthem (Techno)
Brown Eyed Girl by Jimmy Buffet
Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones
Bang On The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren
5.) a.) During our junior year of college our buddy Glancy had 4 tickets to a Jets/Patriots game, so he decided to take my cousin, Pete (who you should remember from this post), and I. Another one of our friends, named Jack, took it upon himself to come with us even though he didn’t have a ticket. He figured that he’d just buy one once we got up there. If you told Jack you were having a great time anywhere he'd find a way to show up.
We left on a Saturday and went to Boston College to meet up with some friends there. On the ride up, Glancy was driving, Jack was in the passenger seat, and Pete, my cousin, and me were in the back seat. We were big time college dudes at that point so we crushed an entire 30 rack during the drive.
I don’t remember exactly at what point we began asking Glancy to pull over so that we could urinate, but for the sake of the story let’s just say it was after our first beer (it probably was). We must have asked him about 585736848 times and we could tell that he was getting mad, but we really had to pee, so we kept asking. Finally Glancy pulled over on the side of the road on the Mass Pike where a little opening of grass was and Pete, my cousin, and me piled out of his Jeep. As we finished draining our dragons a police car pulled over to the side of the road and onto the grass area where we were.
The cop asked us what we were doing and the genius that I am, keep in mind that I was hammered, said, “Sorry officer, I had to make a phone call.”
“It takes three of you to make a phone call?”
We didn’t know what to say, but God bless his soul he just told us to get out of there.
b.) While at BC we stayed in houses across the street from each other. My cousin and I in one house. Glancy and Pete in another. Where Jack slept I’m not entirely sure, but when it was time to go to Foxboro for the Jets/Pats game he was in Glancy’s jeep with Pete. My cousin and I were definitely still asleep though. Glancy must have called us about 12 times each. Finally we answered and told him that we’d be right out.
10 minutes later we were basically ready to walk out the door and Glancy yelled, “Let’s go assholes!” He was standing in the street and could see us moving about the house.
My cousin and I were still a little hamboned from the night before, so we began chanting, “Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da, Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da.”
c.) A week or two after the trip to Boston my cousin and I overheard Jack telling someone about our ride up. He said, “Petey had about 14 brews, the Stan Man had 12, Birdie (my cousin) had 17, I had 13, and Glance had 7 and he was driving!” In case you aren’t good at math, that’s 63 beers.
For the rest of the year and even sometimes to this day whenever someone asks how many beers we’ve had (who asks that anymore?) we will say that a bunch of us split a 30 rack and then say how many everyone had and blow the numbers way out of proportion.
6.) My cousin and I are really into sports and over the years we’ve watched sporting events with a plethora of people who don’t know that much. This isn’t a big deal by any means, but the worst thing ever is when someone attempts to make sports conversation and they have no clue what they’re talking about.
Our housemate Greg was the king of this. He’d always start out a comment with, “You know that guy on the Giants…..uhhh running back…”
My cousin or I would then say, “Brandon Jacobs?” And before we could finish saying Jacobs Greg would say, “YUP, Brandon Jacobs…that guy is good.”
My cousin and I concluded that he had no idea who he was talking about half of the time and that if we had said any other name, like Tom Jones, he’d say, “YUP, Tom Jones. It was on the tip of my tongue.”
7.) This one is similar in a way. Our RA freshmen year was a goofy kid named Murph. To sum him up quickly- he always wore cargo shorts, even in the winter. During our second semester my cousin and I were convinced that he had no idea what our names were even though we’d been saying hi to him on the path all year.
My cousin astutely pointed out that everytime he said hi to Murph on the path he’d always respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?” It’s like he was programmed to only say that. My cousin concluded that even if you said, “Hey Murph, what’s your favorite color?” he’d respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?”
8.) So the Asian kid from Argument and Advocacy class turned out to be a pretty cool dude whose last name was Burke. So naturally my cousin and I began calling every Asian person we saw “Burke” because, of course, they all look the same.
If we walked into a bar and an Asian kid was in sight my cousin would say, “You didn’t tell me that we were meeting Burke here.” If we walked past an Asian kid on campus I’d say, “Dude, why didn’t you say hi to Burke?” It was basically a running joke for years.
(Actually Burke)
During our Senior year we flew out to South Bend, Indiana for the BC/Notre Dame football game. One night we were there (I can’t remember if it was before or after the game) we decided to swing by the bookstore to stock up on some Irish gear. As we left the bookstore to walk back to where we were staying I noticed an Asian kid sitting on a bench so I nudged my cousin and said, “Aren’t you gonna say hi to Burke?” Sure enough, 750 miles away from Fairfield, it actually was Burke, who had graduated by that point.
9.) Perhaps our favorite Seinfeld line of all time is when Jerry says, “He’s eating onions, he’s spotting dimes. I don’t know what the hell’s going on?” We routinely find this line used in popular culture and send it to one another.
For example, I sent him this from a Bill Simmons column a few years back.
"19. N.Y. Giants
The G-Men remind me of the classic "Seinfeld" episode in which George loses his glasses and bites into an onion that he thought was an apple, but somehow notices a dime on the floor from 25 feet away and picks it up, leading to this exchange in Jerry's apartment after George keeps claiming to have seen Jerry's cousin kissing his girlfriend:
-- ELAINE: "He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eyewitness?"
-- GEORGE (still eating the onion): "I saw them making out, you can believe it!"
-- JERRY (snapping): "I don't know what to believe! You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"
10.) Speaking of the New York Football Giants back in 2007 my cousin pointed out how Eli Manning never throws a spiral. I don't know if it's the wind or what, but he throws wounded ducks every Sunday. Pay attention the next time you watch the G-men play.
For futher proof, my cousin sent me this shortly after the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008.
"Eli on Letterman -
Letterman went through the final drive with him and then asked about the touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress that gave them the 17-14 lead with 35 seconds left...
"It really looked so easy, and it was so beautiful," Letterman said.
"A spiral," Manning replied. "That's rare for me."
11.) Speaking of Eli, my cousin also lives in Hoboken, NJ. He claims to find “the greatest bar ever” about 49 times a year. He then tells me that he’s going to take me there the next time I’m down there. I’ll always ask where it is in relation to his apartment and without fail he’ll say, “It’s a block away.”
12.) My cousin and I both interned at a Sports Marketing firm called Octagon during our senior year of college. Every once and a while Octagon would provide the staff with food. Pizza, subs, etc. There was another intern there named Manny that ate like a garbage disposal. My cousin and I were flabbergasted at how much food this kid could shovel down his mouth. It was amazing.
If I texted my cousin right now and asked what he thinks Manny from Octagon had for lunch he’d reply with something like this, “A stack of ribs, a six foot sub, a triple cheeseburger with grilled cheese as the buns, 18 cookies, and a fudge sundae.”
13.) One night in college after getting home from the bar a group of us decided to go to Wendy’s for some late night slop. I was the first to order and I said, “I’ll have the first 8 things on the dollar menu.” My cousin lost it. He didn’t think that there was any way that I could eat all of that food, but I housed it Manny from Octagon style.
Speaking of fast food, my cousin physically can not order food from a drive thru and take it to his house, apartment, dorm, etc. to eat it. He doesn’t have the patience, so he eats it right away even if he’s driving.
14.) During our junior year my cousin and I were playing the drinking game called hockey with a small group of people in my townhouse. Not too long after our friend Jack joined the game, but he had never played before. We explained that whoever gets shot at gets to spin the quarter and then has to call someone’s name to take a shot at whoever’s beer bottle that they choose. If you don't know how to play it's very easy. Trust me.
Either way, the whole notion of calling someone’s name didn’t exactly register with Jack. Seemingly everytime he’d spin the quarter we’d all be anxiously waiting for him to call a name. Almost everytime we’d have to remind him and he’d inevitable panic and say, “Dahhh…..ahhhh….Birdie (my cousin).” Then there were the handful of times where he’d remember the rules and spin the quarter and quickly and very matter of factly say, “Birdie.”
I kid you not, we played for an hour or two and Jack called my cousin every single time he spun the quarter. Now whenever my cousin or I am flustered we will just say, “Dahh…ahh…Birdie.”
15.) During our senior year of college my cousin and I took an environmental ethics class because it only met once a week and we heard it was an easy A. Our teacher was an old man who had an odd way of describing someone or something that was confused or disoriented. He’d say, “He doesn’t know if he’s pitching or catching,” but he had no clue about the homosexual reference that he was making. I swear, this guy must have said it 3 times a week.
16.) During our freshmen year of college my cousin and I went up to a Syracuse/UCONN football game in Hartford, CT. As fate would have it our tickets were in the middle of the UCONN student section and I was wearing my “Real Men Wear Orange” t-shirt and sticking out like a sore thumb. I was also completely rocked which didn’t help things when the student section showered me with “ASS-HOLE!” chants. Don’t ask me why, but at halftime we decided to meet up with our aunt and uncle who were at the game. Within 15 seconds of the conversation my aunt said, “Dan, you have a few today, or what?”
The best part of the game was the UCONN chant when their team got to the goal line. The band would play a little ditty and then the students would chant, “Stick it in, stick it in, stick it in.” Even though I can’t stand UCONN I thought that was hysterical.
17.) A little more than a year ago my cousin and I were at our friend Mikey’s house for Kyle Korver’s 24th birthday. We somehow got to talking to Mikey’s dad late in the night. Early in the conversation I asked what Mikey’s dad did and he rattled off a few letters very matter of factly, but I didn’t comprehend him so I said, “I’m sorry, where?” He rattled off the same letters (I heard something like “BFG”), but he said it with such conviction that I said, “Oh, of course,” and the conversation carried on. 45 minutes later my cousin said, “I know you mentioned it earlier, but I didn’t catch it, where do you work?” Again, Mikey’s dad said what sounded like a few letters jumbled together. My cousin said, “I’m sorry, what’d you say?” Mikey’s dad repeated the same letters that still sounded like jibberish to my cousin and I and my cousin said, “Oh, of course” and the conversation continued.
Later that night my cousin asked me if I had any clue where Mikey’s dad worked and I laughed and told him that I had no idea, but that I noticed he did the same exact thing I had done.
A few months later we got the courage to ask Kyle Korver where Mikey’s dad works and his response…UPS. I still call bullshit because it sounded like “GHW” or “FHQ”.
18.) My cousin and I have long been fascinated by poop. In fact, in our freshmen year dorm I had a poster of all of the different kinds of poop that one could have; however one was missing. The just maker. This poop occurs when you feel the rumble in your stomach and you know that a mental ticker has been set off. That thing is counting down, so you better get to a toilet as soon as possible before it goes off. Reaching the toilet just as the poop stats erupting out of your rear end is what we like to call a just maker.
Now a few weekends ago my cousin and I were in Stamford for Kyle Korver’s 25th birthday. The following morning I was driving my cousin back to his car at the Fairfield train station. After housing a bacon, egg, and cheese from the Country Cow Deli we took a little campus tour during which my cousin felt the urge. I quickly sped to where there used to be 15 minute parking, but it had been transformed into a random patch of grass. Instead I looped around and parked in the parking lot outside the campus center. I made it in plenty of time for my cousin, so it doesn’t exactly qualify as a just maker, but I unleashed the fury as well. He thought it was hysterical that I was just like, "Yeah I can squeeze one out too."
The following weekend I was in NYC and I had parked my car at the Fairfield train station. Once I got back to it the next morning I felt the urge and dumped in the same toilet in the campus center that I had dumped in almost exactly one week earlier.
19.) Before my cousin met his beautiful girlfriend the old joke that our housemate Greg started was that if you put blonde hair on a pumpkin my cousin would hook up with it. My cousin soon began to refer to blonde girls that were borderline good looking as pump-i-kans.
20.) During our freshmen year of college I co-hosted a radio show with our friend Robby. We mainly played rock music, but we discussed current events from time to time as well. In February of 2005, Temple men’s basketball coach John Chaney admitted to sending in “a goon” to play rough and rack up fouls in a game against St. Joseph’s. That week on our radio show Tim called in from our dorm room and said that he was calling from the WVOF (our station’s call letters) chopper. He made helicopter sounds and pretending that he was zeroing in on John Chaney’s goon.
For the rest of the year, every time he called in it was from the WVOF chopper.
21.) One day during junior or senior year of college a bunch of people were playing pick up basketball at the Rec Plex. I was waiting to play in the next game while my cousin was already playing. He made two layups that he easily could have dunked and I called him out for it.
“Can you not dunk anymore or something? If I could dunk I’d do it every chance I got.”
So sure enough in the following game his team was beating mine 10-8 and he was on a fast break with me chasing him. He went up presumably to finish the game with a dunk to shut me up and I basically tackled him. He fell to the ground, his nose started bleeding, etc.
Let the record show that this was probably only my 2nd most vicious fast break takedown. Number 1 was on a girl, but that’s a story for another time and another place.
22.) Last year in Chicago a bunch of us were in a bar right outside Wrigley Field that has batting cages in it. After a particularly poor round our buddy Ty starting laying into my cousin (I think he swung and missed on all 10 balls he saw), but my cousin quickly retorted with, "Whatever dude. I can still dunk a basketball."
(Clearly I had no trouble in the cages, but then again I can't dunk)
23.) The year before in Chicago Glancy took us to some place for a roast beef sandwich. Apparently it was something that we had to have. My cousin and I showed up in the second cab, so by the time we got there 4 or 5 guys were already eating. Glancy took it upon himself to order for us and the people making our sandwiches literally placed them in a pan of grease and then put them on a tray for us. My cousin and I proceeded to make jokes about how we wanted our grease sandwiches without the roast beef next time, etc. Glancy said, "You guys are such assholes," and my cousin and I instinctively starting chanting, "Let's go ass-holes, da, da, da da da!"
24.) My cousin and I formed an air band at some point during our senior year of college. He was the ax man, I was the lead singer, and a kid 2 years younger than us was the drummer. Our go to songs, if I remember correctly, were U2- Pride and Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll. We only rocked out once or twice, but a year or two after we graduated we each wrote about 5-6 times on our “drummer’s” Facebook wall about getting the band back together.
25.) I've shared this story before, but it's one of my favorites. In February of our senior year my cousin and I went to a Knicks game with his girlfriend and her roommate. My cousin's girlfriend's roommate got us the tickets through her dad and she gladly dropped his credit card for food, beer, etc. The next day my cousin tracked down her father's email address and sent him a message thanking him for the tickets, etc. The email he got back read, "STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"
26.) During our freshman year of college there was a kid who would randomly dump on our floor's bathroom. My cousin and I dubbed him the phantom shitter and assumed that he must be hooking up with a girl who lived on the other side of the dorm.
I tell you this only because the year after we graduated a bunch of us went out in Stamford and slept at some girl's apartment. When everyone woke up the next morning there was poop chilling in the toilet. The girls obviously tried to pin it on the guys, but when all of the guys were alone at the Stamford train station no one came clean. This, of course, means that a girl was the phantom shitter that night.
No comments:
Post a Comment