Cinco de Mayo

The margaritas will be flowing at fiestas all across America today, but let me quickly state that I am no fan of this Mexican holiday. Actually it's more of an Americanized celebration of a semi-important date in Mexican history (more on this later), but let's get to why I don't fully embrace Cinco de Mayo.

The Alcohol- Simply put, Tequila is the bane of my existence. No matter the brand, never in my life has it gone down smooth. People can rave all they want about Patron, but I think it's absolutely vile. I don't mean to suggest that I'm some sort of superhero drinker, because I'm not, but tequila is my kryptonite. It's as good of a guarantee that I'm going to yack as there is. Whenever I'm asked, "What kind of shot do you want?" I always answer, "Anything but tequila." In all seriousness, I've been able to keep this wretched liquid down lately, but my gag reflex reacts everytime. It would honestly take a minor miracle for me to last 3 rounds with Jose Cuervo.



I don't know if it's the tequila or the salt, but I'm no fan of Margaritas either. As for the beer, my thoughts on Corona in one word- overrated. The only brand of alcohol that I'll fully support on Cinco de Mayo is Dos Equis and that's purely based on their outstanding marketing campaign.

The People- I honestly don't think that I've ever met a Mexican person in my entire life (unless the workers at La Salsa count). The closest I came was when my dad hired a 19 year old (that's obviously a guess) illegal immigrant named Rufino (if memory serves) to paint our house way back when. I don't exactly remember what country he was from, but I'm fairly certain that it wasn't Mexico. My brother likes to joke that there's no way that my dad can run for higher public office because he paid Rufino (under the table) in straight cash. Rufino was, as they say, right off the boat at the time and I'm pretty sure that painting our house was the first work he got in America. He even showed up at our house about 5 years later to say hello.

The story of Rufino makes me wonder how immigrants end up where they do? What I mean by that is how did Rufino end up in Syracuse, NY of all places? I understand that when people leave their country for a fresh start in America they usually know someone or a group of people that are already here, so they go to that place, but what about the people that come to America and know no one? Wouldn't logic dictate that they live close to their native country (i.e. Texas) or close to a major city like New York? How does Syracuse or Hartford (where I currently live) enter the equation?

In terms of actual Mexican people, aren't they our rivals in soccer? I think that's a good enough reason to not support their holiday.

The History- "Cinco de Mayo marks the Battle of Puebla and the Mexican army's defeat of a much larger and better-equipped French army attempting to conquer its weakened government. The victory was short-lived, as the French took over the country a year later."

This is what the Mexicans celebrate?

Well, sort of. I've come to find out that Cinco de Mayo is hardly a celebration in Mexico.

"The holiday, which has never really been much of one in Mexico, crossed over to this side of the border in the 1950s and 1960s, as civil rights activists were attempting to build harmony between the two countries and cultures. The date gained more attention in the 1980s when marketers, particularly beer companies, saw this as a perfect opportunity to capitalize on the celebratory nature of the holiday."

I wanted to say that Americans celebrating Cinco de Mayo is like Mexicans celebrating July 4th, but it's not like that at all. It's more like if the Mexicans celebrated November 22nd (no, not because of JFK) because it commemorates our victory in the Battle of Dak To in the Vietnam War.


While I'm not a fan of the holiday, I'm not exactly against it either. It just goes to show you that if you give Americans any reason to party, no matter how ridiculous, we're all for it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is about as American as apple pie.

Facts About Beer

I hate chain letters/forwaded emails. In fact, I hate them so much that I might add them to my running hate list. Last week my brother sent an email to my two other brothers, parents, and I about how the grammar school that we all went to is closing. I hit reply all and responded to the news in a lighthearted fashion, but if I had known the reprecussions of my action at the time I never would have done so.

Apparently my mother had never known my email address until she saw my response to my brother's email. The next day I opened up my inbox to find not one, but two chain letters/forwarded emails from her. I cringed at the sight of them. I mean, let's be honest, has anyone ever been excited to read an email that has FWD: in the subject? A few days later I returned to the city of hopes and dreams for the first time in months and while I was there I told my mother that I would not like to receive any more chain letters/forwarded emails from her in the future.

Although I thought my point blank, honest approach would rectify the situation, it did not. On Wednesday I received two more chain letters/forwarded emails from her. I, again, did not read them.

That all being said, 1 out of about every 100 chain letter/forwarded emails is outstanding. Ladies and gentlemen, this is that one. The following was sent to me by my buddy Hermo. He is an 8th/9th grade math teacher and one of the biggest boozehounds I know.


Beer contains female hormones.

This indeed is worrisome.

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.