The Jersey Shore

I met a girl this weekend that changed my stance on abortion. To the best of my knowledge she was not pregnant nor had she ever been in the past. There was no story of personal anguish that she told to sway my opinion. She simply took my argument and turned it on its head. Trust me when I tell you that it takes a lot for me to admit this.

I was in Manasquan, NJ visiting my cousin Kate who rents a summer house there. For the past 4-5 years my friends from college have been telling me how much fun summers in “The Squan” are. I had always wanted to go, but could never make the time. Kate turned 25 this past week and I had the weekend off, so I figured there was no better time to make the trek down to the shore. She lives in a house with about 10-12 other people. I went to college with one them, but had not met any of the others. When I did meet them all it was very quick. There were no individual, “This is my cousin Dan. Dan this is ______,” situations. It was basically, “Hey everyone, this is my cousin Dan. Dan this is everyone.” I spent the next two hours trying to figure out everyone’s name without having to directly ask anyone. It wasn’t until 5:30 when we were piling in a giant van that fit all 15 of us that I finally learned everyone’s name. Within the group of 15 were two guys who live at the house, 6-7 girls that live at the house, and an array of friends, cousins, and co-workers.

About an hour or two after we got the bar I ended up next to one of the friends of a girl that lives in the house. She initiated the conversation by saying, “Dan? Right?” to which I said, “Yup, and you’re Taylor” before I explained my personal mission to learn everyone’s name. We then spent the next 45 minutes to an hour having a totally engrossing conversation. She lives in Fairfield, where I went to college, works in sports media, just like me, and is very much into politics. She looks like a more attractive version of a girl I went to college with (younger than me) and is proud alum of the University of Miami. In fact, she made the below gesture 3-4 times as she was telling me about how much she loves college football.



As if her love of sports and broadcast journalism wasn’t enough the conversation soon turned to politics. Talking about politics is a little dicey because people take issues, candidates, and their affiliation very personally.



This was not a, “Who are you voting for in November?” conversation, though. I was more intrigued by how this girl became interested in politics in the first place. We discussed how we keep up on what’s going on. What we read (she pays to read the New York Times online and gets a weekly newsletter delivered to her house), what we watch, etc. Eventually we got into our political leanings (socially liberal, fiscally conservative) and began discussing things like social welfare programs. Then she brought up Todd Akin’s recent comments on abortion. Because I assume that none of you know what he said or who he is, I’ll explain. Akin is a congressman from Missouri who’s running for the Senate and he essentially said that women who get raped rarely get pregnant from those encounters because a woman’s body “has ways to shut that whole thing down.” Taylor and I agreed that he should drop out of the race and then discussed abortion.

I explained that I’m pro-choice because if abortion was outlawed women would still find ways to get them and these “black market” abortions, for lack of a better term, would lead to all kinds of health complications. For me abortion may not be morally right, but women wouldn’t stop getting them if they were outlawed, so let’s keep it legal and have them performed by professionals in the safest, most sanitary way possible. I’ve firmly believed this since 2007 and have never heard anyone refute it. After I presented my case, Taylor politely said, “That’s a weak argument. That’s like saying that we shouldn’t outlaw murder or drugs just because people are going to keep killing each other and doing drugs.” Boom. I had never thought of it like that and was very impressed that she was able to spin my argument around like that. Neither one of us was passionate about the issue. It wasn’t a “You’re wrong, I’m right” kind of thing. It was just a natural conversation about a divisive issue. By the way, that lack of passion is the main reason why I never seriously pursued a career in politics. There’s just no topic/issue that I feel strongly enough about to get seriously involved. I think I’m still pro-choice because who am I to tell a woman what to do with her body, but my stance has been significantly altered to say the least.

I, like a true gentleman, bought Taylor a few drinks (a delicious local drink called a Spring Laker that’s essentially a Red Bull vodka with pineapple juice) throughout our conversation which lasted long after the abortion discussion. Sooner or later it was 9pm (it felt like 1am) and my cousin Kate and all of her housemates who were with us were on the dance floor. Taylor and I danced together briefly, but it was more of a group thing, or so I thought. 15-20 minutes later Taylor was dancing exclusively with a kid in the bar who was not with our group. 20-30 minutes later there were a few quick kisses exchanged. I’m not sure what came of it, but we all left the bar shortly thereafter and the first cab, which contained Taylor and my cousin Kate, ended up going to a different bar while the cab I was in went elsewhere. I didn’t see Taylor for the rest of the night.

And that, my friends, is why you should never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. I, obviously, say that mostly in jest, but that was probably the best conversation that I’ve ever had with a girl that I didn’t hook up with. Not for nothing, I did get a Facebook friend request from her the following day.

Top 10 Bands of the 1990s

Musical taste is very personal. It’s hard to distinctively say that Band A or Song B are better than Band X or Song Y because the very act of doing so is subjective. Sure, most lists and rankings involve a degree of subjectivity, but there’s usually also some quantitative data. College football rankings are based on wins and losses. World golf rankings are based on a player’s body of work over a certain amount of time. These stats, trends, and averages make it easier to rank college football teams and golfers. The quantitative data available in music just isn’t as cut and dry.

When you rank music you can do the best you can to rely on the Billboard Charts or Grammy nominations, but there are so many different genres of music that things get confusing. What it all comes down to is that music is art and art is judged, felt, and in this case, ranked differently by just about everybody.

I tell you this because a few weeks back some friends and I got to talking about the top 10 bands of the 1990s. The debate lasted for the better part of an hour and even got a little heated when opinions differed significantly. We were able to agree on four or five no brainers in no particular order (ranking them would have led to chaos), but couldn’t come to a consensus about the rest because people were suggesting bands that wouldn’t even make my top 50 (Cake).

Now that they aren’t here to argue with me I’ll present my top 10 for you.

10.) Foo Fighters



The Foo Fighters are one of those bands that have spanned a few decades, so they are tough to place, but they make my cut mainly because of their 1997 album The Colour and the Shape. That album featured three classic Foo Fighter songs in “Monkey Wrench”, “My Hero”, and “Everlong”. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but when I was in 7th grade my older brother Jimmy (in 9th grade at the time) played “My Hero” and “Everlong” every morning before we walked down to the bus stop.

Band origin- Seattle, WA (1994)
Genre- post grunge, pop rock
Influential 90s album- The Colour and the Shape (1997)
Top 90s songs- “My Hero”, “Monkey Wrench”, “Everlong”


9.) No Doubt



If you hear a No Doubt song and don’t think of the 90s then something is wrong with you. Their sound screams 90s. Plus, Gwen Stefani was a legitimate sex symbol at the height of their fame.

Band origin- Anaheim, CA (1986)
Genre- new wave, fusion rock
Influential 90s album- Tragic Kingdom (1995)
Top 90s songs- “Spiderwebs”, “Don’t Speak”, “I’m Just A Girl”


8.) Collective Soul



Probably the biggest wild card in my top 10, but I think they are a worthy band. I know of and really like five of their songs from the decade, which is a lot.

Band origin- Stockbridge, GA (1992)
Genre- post grunge, alternative rock
Influential 90s albums- Collective Soul (1995), Dosage (1999)
Top 90s songs- “Shine”, “Heavy”, “Run”, December”, “The World I Know”

7.) Rage Against the Machine



Rage not only had a unique sound (thanks largely in part to the voice of Zack de la Rocha), but they were also incredibly popular while still seeming authentic. They were anti-establishment, cared about the music, and wouldn’t cave to a sponsor or record label and yet they had a huge following and won multiple Grammys.

Band origin- Los Angeles, CA (1991)
Genre- rap/alternative metal
Influential 90s album- Battle for Los Angeles (1999)
Top 90s songs- “Bulls on Parade”, “Killing in the Name”, “Guerilla Radio”, “Calm Like a Bomb”

6.) Smashing Pumpkins



If I put together a list of the Top 100 songs from the 90s (future blog post?) “1979” would definitely be in the top 5. Music and memory are tied together in such a way that certain songs remind me of specific times and experiences from my life. When I hear “1979” I go back to Mrs. Zacharek’s 4th grade class at St. Matthew’s grammar school.

Band origin- Chicago, IL (1988)
Genre- alternative rock
Influential 90s album- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (1995)
Top 90s songs- “1979”, “Tonight, Tonight”, “Today”, “Disarm”, “Bullet with Butterfly Wings”

5.) Dave Matthews Band



They are still incredibly popular to this day, but the majority of their success came in the mid to late 90s. In fact, I would argue that most of the Dave Mathews songs that you know were on their first three albums. When you get high/hammered at their concerts you hope that they play “Ants Marching”, “Crash Into Me”, and “Two Step”.

Band origin- Charlottesville, VA
Genre- blue grass rock
Influential 90s albums- Under the Table and Dreaming (1994), Crash (1996)
Top 90s songs- “Ants Marching”, “Satellite”, “Crash Into Me”, “Two Step”, “Warehouse”

4.) Green Day



Green Day came to prominence in the 90s. They were instrumental in reviving the punk rock movement that bands like The Ramones started in the 70s. The Dookie (1994) album is one of my favorites of all time. In fact, it made my list of the Top 10 albums back in 2009. They also get major bonus points for having a song (Good Riddance) featured in the series finale of the best 90s television show (Seinfeld).

Band origin- East Bay, CA (1987)
Genre- punk rock
Influential 90s album- Dookie (1994)
Top 90s songs- “Brain Stew”, “Good Riddance”, “Basket Case”, “When I Come Around”

3.) Nirvana



Nirvana is probably the band from the 90s that immediately comes to mind when you do this exercise. They are rightfully credited for taking the grunge movement mainstream, but I think their success is elevated because of the death of Kurt Cobain. This isn’t to say that they weren’t great. They were. Their video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is the second most famous of all time (behind only Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”). All I’m saying is that they are idolized because Kurt Cobain died at or near the peak of their fame. Because of this (un)fortunate timing we always think of him, and Nirvana, as being great. We never got to see the down side of his career and there definitely would have been a downside because no one stays a top the mountain forever.

Band origin- Aberdeen, WA (1987)
Genre- grunge
Influential 90s album- Nevermind (1991)
Top 90s songs- “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, “Come As You Are”, “Lithium”

2.) Pearl Jam



They were probably never the best band at any given time in the 90s, but they were always in the conversation. They came off the heels of Nirvana and because of this no one could ever conceivably think of them as being better than their predecessors. I would argue that their longevity and total body of work make them arguably more influential than their Washington counterparts. I also think that they’re one of those bands that have a lot more hits than people realize. A similar thing happened to me when I bought a Def Leppard CD. At the time I thought I only knew two of their songs, but it turned out that I knew 7 or 8.

Band origin- Seattle, WA (1990)
Genre- alternative, grunge rock
Influential 90s album- Ten (1991)
Top 90s songs- “Jeremy”, “Better Man”, “Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town”, “Yellow Ledbetter”, “Alive”


1.) Red Hot Chili Peppers




They released four albums in the 80s, but their real breakthrough success came after they signed with Warner Bros. Records in 1990. The Rock and Roll Hall of Famers achieved pop success, but are also admired by the hardcore rockers of the world. They don’t have a mainstream sound, but they have a mainstream following even to this day. They deserve a lot of credit for bookending the decade with their best work- Blood Sugar Sex Magik (1991) and Californication (1999). I also think it’s cool that the most famous band member (Flea) is their bassist and arguably their second most famous member (Dave Navarro- he’s more famous for what he’s done outside of RHCP, but it still counts) left after only a 3 year stint in the mid 90s. It should also be noted that “Under the Bridge” served as a pump up song for me when I was 17. It’s slow, but something about it got me in the mood to hit people in football.

Band origin- Los Angeles, CA (1983)
Genre- alternative, funk rock
Influential 90s albums- Blood Sugar Sex Magik (1991), Californication (1999)
Top 90s songs- “Under the Bridge”, “Suck My Kiss”, “Give it Away”, “Scar Tissue”, “Californication”


Other bands receiving votes (alphabetical)- Alice in Chains, Barenaked Ladies, Bush, The Goo Goo Dolls, Hootie and the Blowfish, Korn, Matchbox Twenty, Nine Inch Nails, Oasis, The Offspring, Radiohead, R.E.M., Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Sublime, Third Eye Blind

Not Fair to Compare

With the PGA Championship starting tomorrow there’s a lot of talk about whether or not Tiger Woods will win his first major since the U.S. Open in 2008. That conversation soon turns to whether or not Tiger will catch and break Jack Nicklaus’ record mark of 18 career major victories.

Tiger, who’s 36 years old, has 14 majors so far and keeps on citing Jack’s last win (The Masters at the age of 46) as his championship window. With that logic Tiger has roughly 40 more legitimate chances to win a major in his career and he needs 5 more to set the record. It should be noted that the only active player (as in playing at least 8 tournaments a year on the PGA tour) to win 5 or more career majors is Tiger Woods. That means that Tiger has to compile a 10 year stretch that’s better than the entire career of Phil Mickelson (4 majors) to set the record.

All that said, I think Tiger is unfairly compared to his former self. After every round that he shoots under 70 people ask if he’s back. Listen, he’ll never be as dominant as he was in his glory days (‘99-’07). Yes, it’s his fault that the bar has been set so high, but that doesn’t mean that the comparison is fair. In fact, I think that comparing the current version of Tiger Woods to the dominant version of Tiger Woods from ’99 to ’07 is a lot like comparing the 2012 U.S. Men’s Olympic basketball team to the 1992 Dream Team.

Old school Tiger thoroughly dominated his competition just like the Dream Team did in the 1992 Olympics. Both Tiger and the Dream Team were so much more talented from a physical, mental, and skill set standpoint that the competition didn’t stand a chance. There was no doubt that the Dream Team was going to win the gold medal running away and there was no doubt that Tiger was by far the best golfer in the world. Tiger vs. the field was a legitimate bet during that stretch and most people took Tiger when given the option. Think about how ridiculous that is.



Not only did old school Tiger and the Dream Team torch their competition, they also advanced their respective games to new heights. Tiger made golf, a boring old white guy’s game, cool and exciting. He was a rockstar almost from the get go. His fame and fortune led to massive marketing campaigns (Nike, Buick, etc.) that played a part in inspiring a new generation of golf fans. Nike golf was nothing before Tiger Woods. You would have been hard pressed to find a golf video game before Tiger’s ascension. Tiger not only became rich and famous because of his success, but he made all of the other golfers more rich and famous too. Tiger drove TV ratings and advertising revenues through the roof. This led to a much bigger purse at every event on the PGA Tour.

All of this fame and attention made golf a global game. Sure we had Seve Ballesteros and Colin Montgomerie before Tiger, but Tiger easily quadrupled the success of the PGA Tour here in America. All of the best players in the world began to flock to the United States to compete in tournaments with higher pay outs. Over time the rest of the world got better and better at golf and now we’re seeing the results of Tiger’s influence coming back to bite him. Tiger’s talent gap has significantly diminished since the early 2000’s. Rory McIlroy, Graeme McDowell, Luke Donald, Martin Kaymer, etc. are all dominant players on tour nowadays.

Similarly the Dream Team put basketball on the map from a global perspective. Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, etc. were global icons. Players on the opposing teams were asking them for autographs before and after games. International players idolized the members of the Dream Team and inspired a new generation of international players. Since the Dream Team’s domination of the 1992 Games the amount of international players in the NBA has tripled. We now have international stars like Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, Dirk Nowitzki, Pau Gasol, etc. Who was there in 1992? Toni Kukoc? He hadn’t even played a game in the NBA before the 1992 Olympics. In the 2012 Olympics many teams feature multiple NBA stars where only 1 had zero NBA players on their roster (Tunisia).

The current version of Tiger Woods is ranked #2 in the world, but he has more victories on tour than anyone else and he’s the odds on favorite in Vegas in every tournament that he plays in. Yes, the competition has drastically improved over the years, but Tiger, despite all of his injuries, swing changes, and off the course issues, is still the supreme talent. He’s not as dominant as he was back in the early 2000’s, but he’s still the best golfer in the game.

The 2012 US Men’s Olympic Basketball Team is the clear favorite to win the gold medal, but because they aren’t as dominant as the Dream Team people assume that they aren’t as good. This construction of talent could very well be better than the Dream Team, but no one will admit it because of the dominance in 1992. Too many people glorify the past. Baseball historians still think that Babe Ruth is the greatest player of all time. Put that fat ass in a major league lineup right now and he’s struggling to hit .200. He was dominant in the ‘20’s and ‘30’s, but the level of competition has risen. The same goes for the 2012 U.S. Men’s Basketball team.

I guess my point is this. Tiger Woods and the Dream Team both dominated their competition and raised the global influence of their respective games dramatically. Over time the level of competition in golf and basketball narrowed the gap. Don’t hold that against the current construction of Tiger Woods and the 2012 US Men’s Olympic Basketball team. They are still the best in the world.

That's What He Said- Chapter 12

Alright people, here is Chapter 12 of my memoir. It's hard to believe, but we are at least halfway done (I'm not sure how many more chapters I'm going to write, but this chapter takes us to the mid way point chronologically). Please let me know what you think so far. Any thoughts, comments, favorite lines, constructive criticisms, etc. are greatly appreciated.

If you have no idea what this is, then click here, scroll to the bottom, and catch up.

Chapter 12

Every Monday I emailed my column to The Mirror’s Gmail account at about 5 p.m. I attached a Word Document and also included the text within the body of the email. I figured I would make it as easy as possible for whoever was responsible for transferring the column from my email to the paper. Without fail, two days later my work would appear slightly edited both online and in print. On this particular Monday, for the first time all year, I also included a short message.

I asked that my column (the one word) be printed in the top left corner of the space allotted and for the rest to remain blank. I thought it would look hysterical if my one word answer stood side by side with Jackie’s 400 word column. Sadly, this did not come to fruition. The Mirror’s staff ultimately decided to put our columns in conversation bubbles in order to avoid the empty space, but let’s just say that it took a lot for that to happen.

Within an hour after I sent the aforementioned email I got a phone call from Steph. At first she seemed like she was in good spirits about what I had sent in. She even admitted that she laughed when she first saw it. Despite the initial tacit approval Steph eventually boldly stated that I would have to write a full length response. I think that as the editor she started freaking out about the white space and figured it was time to put her foot down. I did my best to defend my position by arguing that not only was I polite enough to let Jackie pick the topic, but I also adequately answered the prompt. She quickly got angry and told me that if I wanted to continue writing the He Said column every week then I would have to expand my article to roughly 400 words by 4 o’clock the next day.

If Steph didn’t have the authority to strip me of my column there is no way that I would have caved and written a full length response, but I had become infatuated with my role with the paper and I didn’t want to lose it. That said, I still wasn’t going to back down without a fight, so before I went to bed that night I sat down to meet her demands, so to speak. It was then that I remembered that Jackie had edited the page where our columns appeared the week before. I knew this because her name, preceded by the words “Edited by”, was printed on the top left corner of the page where our columns appeared. I asked her about it and she said that she just wanted to get some experience in editing so that she could put it on her resume, but I saw it as an opportunity to make a point.

My expanded column looked like this:

Can Guys and Girls Ever Just Be Friends?

In a word, no. Despite my best efforts to get only that word, “no” printed with nothing but remaining white space, The Mirror’s editorial staff of all women who all think that I am ‘friends’ with them would not budge. It is a simple question and I provided a simple answer. This half-hearted attempt to lengthen what would have been a perfect response will only harm my point.

Despite initially laughing, my editors called my one word submission a cop out. Really? A cop out would been if I glorified women and spoke about how great it is to be “friends” with them. What I did was not a cop out. It was a humorous, thought provoking response to an easy question. Guys would have understood completely and girls would have been left wondering why it only took one word to answer what on the surface seems like a complex issue. Sure there would have been that small contingent that would have just written me off as a jerk, but they are entitled to their opinion just like I am.

One member of the editorial staff wanted to know the rationale behind the response. She had an idea of what it meant, but she wasn’t sure, so let me explain.

Believe it or not, just the word “no” would have spoken volumes. If it was printed the way it should have been it would have illustrated the stark contrast in the way that males and females think. A simple one word response by a male juxtaposed with a lengthy, well thought out, 400 word female opinion would have shown that guys are much simpler than girls.

It also would have demonstrated the way that men and women deal with relational issues. Men think logically while women tend to reason in a more complex manner. Perhaps it even would have served as a reminder in the back of a girl’s mind the next time she was in an argument with a guy. At least every guy would have hoped so.

The fact remains. Guys and girls cannot just be friends. A girl might think she is friends with a guy, but more often than not that guy just wants to get in her pants (or her roommate’s).

Speaking of people that I am not friends with, last week’s page was edited by Jackie? What? Would it not only be fair to let me edit this week? If so, my one word response would have proudly stood surrounded by blank white space that my editors are so afraid of.

I was pissed that Steph wouldn’t print my one word response, so I waited until 3:59 to send my expanded column in. In the back of my mind I was hoping that if I waited long enough they would be forced to just print my original column.

Coincidentally my sports talk radio show aired on Tuesdays from 4-6 that semester (afternoon drive- what up?), so I was in the studio at the time that Steph and her fellow editors got my revised copy. If you’ll remember the radio station was tucked underneath a staircase on the ground floor of the Barone Campus Ceneter and right next door to The Mirror’s office. With me in the studio that day were two of my regular guests; Glancy and another friend from my floor freshman year named John Z.

John Z not only lived with my freshman year radio co-host Robby, but he also went to high school with him in Westchester, New York. He was about six feet tall and had cropped black hair and a mulatto like complexion. He’s of Italian descent, but was one of those kids that easily could have passed for just about any ethnicity imaginable. Black, Italian, Hawaiian, Mexican, Samoan. You name it. This may have contributed to his remarkable ability to become friends with virtually every clique in our class. He shared my passion for sports and became one of my closest friends after graduation. He also played on a state championship basketball team in high school and wasn’t shy about bringing it up even though he rode the bench.

During our first segment I couldn’t help but notice a female peering in through the glass wall of the studio for an extended period of time. After asking my guests what could only have been an incredibly intelligent sports question about the week that was I looked over and who did I see but Steph. She was staring a hole through me with an unprecedented conviction. I swear, I’ve never seen someone look so angry in my life. Naturally both of her middle fingers were prominently extended and she held her statuesque form for nearly 10 seconds before storming back to The Mirror’s office confident that she had sufficiently said, “Fuck you,” without having actually said it.

I wouldn’t say I was stunned. I guess I was more alarmed if anything. I honestly didn’t think that my 400 word retort, if you will, would upset her so much. Quite frankly¹ I was amused by the entire charade. I quickly tossed to a commercial break (not that anyone was really listening) and tried to regroup.

In the break Glancy and John Z couldn’t figure out what just happened. They were just laughing uncontrollably. I assume that they must have just thought it was some random girl who hated my guts for all of the things I had previously written. Either way, I told them that it was my editor and that I would explain the rest on the air.

Once we came back from commercial² Glancy and John Z quickly recapped how a girl had just come by the studio, given me the evil eye, and flipped me the double bird. After explaining how I was basically told that I would have to go along with whatever topic Jackie picked for our columns that week I proceeded to offer the prompt to the both of them.

“What was her topic?” Glancy asked eagerly.

“Her topic was this,” I said, “Can guys and girls ever just be friends?

Almost immediately, “No,” said Glancy.

John Z without missing a beat, “Nooo way!”

Point proven I thought. We then went on to discuss how none of us were actually friends with any girls³. Basically there were girls that we wanted to sleep with and girls that we thought could help us sleep with their friends.

I did not speak to Steph or any of my other female editors for the rest of the week, so I guess they just decided that it wasn’t worth it to have one of their writers openly criticize them in their own paper. And thus the conversation bubble idea was put in place.



Naturally I considered this to be a victory for my methodology. It didn’t hurt that I got nothing but enthusiastic praise in the comments section of the online publication. One former editor of the paper even dropped the Shakespeare line, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

Although I was riding high I suddenly came to a sad realization. The first semester of my senior year was essentially over. Jackie and I only had one more column to write before Winter Break. Naturally we saw it as an obvious opportunity to write about Christmas. After all, Fairfield is a Jesuit institution.

With such a broad topic I resorted back to an old writing habit of mine; rhyming couplets. In high school I took a class called Current Affairs/Public Speaking (which we affectionately called CAPS) and about 90% of my speeches were written in rhyming couplets. I don’t know if I thought I was good at it or what (I definitely wasn’t), but for some reason the notion just intrigued me. I can say that even though I wrote in rhyming couplets I had no aspirations of becoming a rapper. It had been four years since I had constructed anything in this tried and true form, but it was like riding a bike. Looking back I cringe at how awful some of the lines and rhymes are, but I also see a few that are mildly impressive.

The Mirror on December 19th, 2007:

Christmas

After 11 months of waiting, the Christmas season is finally here,
So it’s time to be nice to the people we can’t stand all year.
We tell teachers how much we’ve learned and the strides that we’ve made,
All in the hopes that they’ll give us a better grade,

After all it’s finals week and most of us are stressed,
But our grades need to leave our parents impressed.
Because based on what they believe,
Will influence the kinds of gifts we’ll receive.

Buying gifts for our parents and siblings might be the worst,
It’s definitely an area where I’m not well versed,
This year I’m going to keep it as simple as I can,
So buying them all Fairfield t-shirts is my plan.

College students, though, are easy to please,
Here’s the short list, just booze and trees,
We long for other things, but those are the essentials,
Although we’d also like an internship to boost our credentials

We have no money so we are forced to beg,
We have to pay for Spring Break, bills, and the next keg,
Hopefully Santa will bring us other things like new clothes,
As well as DVD’s of our favorite TV shows,

Like I said there are things we want and others we need,
And here’s a quick want list that in getting I hope to succeed.
What I really want is some rum in my eggnog,
Or maybe a Lexington Steele⁴ sized hog,

I could also use a new suit so that I look dapper,
As well as a fresh 12 pack of those golden wrappers,
Maybe some muscles so I look like a hunk,
Or another semester in the bottom bunk⁵.

The holiday season is a time to unwind,
A much needed break from the daily grind,
We go to parties to celebrate our time away from it all,
But make a stumbling attempt to make it to the bar for last call,

Over break you’ll get sick of seeing your mother,
So make sure you get to see your significant other,
And when you get her underneath that mistletoe,
Drop your pants as far as they can go,

Although we have been having lots of fun,
We now realize that half of the school year is done,
For us seniors we have one semester left and our degrees to get,
So let’s live it up and make it the best one yet.


1 Trademark. Stephen A. Smith^↩

2 We ran some standard PSAs, but I also made a few commercials of my own. Most featured clips from previous shows, but one contained play-by-play highlights from a guard on the women’s basketball team and was set to the song “Got My Mind Set On You” by George Harrison. This is easily the creepiest thing that I’ve ever done. By the way, she was definitely cute, but almost certainly a lesbian.^↩

3 Ironically, Jackie and I remained very close friends for years after college. That was until I starting posting these chapters on the internet.^↩

4 An African American pornstar known for his enormous genitalia. By the way, I can’t handle black guys nailing white chicks in my porn. Does that make me a racist? I sure hope not. If it’s any consolation I routinely fall in love with black strippers.^↩

5 Tim and I shared a bunk bed in out tiny bedroom. I had the bottom bunk for the first semester and then we switched for the second semester. Needless to say, but I played a lot of road games in the Spring.^↩