Hate List 5.0

I can't believe that I almost went all of 2013 without updating my hate list.

1.) When someone forgets to remove the lint from the dryer screen- This may seem trivial (and it is), but I've lived in a house with three roommates for the past 18 months and not once has the dryer screen been free from lint as I transfer my clothers from the washer to the dryer. I mean, it only takes four seconds to do. Although, so does washing a spoon, fork, or knife and my room mates don't do that either. I've almost concluded that ignorance is at play here. Maybe they simply don't know that this is something that one should do after using the dryer.

2.) People that recline their seat on airplanes- Even before the liklihood of sitting next to an overweight flyer space on an airplane is extremely limited. We all understand that. For someone to consciously minimize the amount of room of the person behind them is beyond me. These people are pricks. Once they recline the person behind them almost has to recline in order to breathe, which leads to a domino effect.

3.) People that post pictures of the temperature gauge from their car/phone- We get it. It's either really hot, really cold, or you're in a place (most likely on vacation) that's considerably warmer than where you reside. I refuse to "like" any picture of this kind on Facebook/InstaGram. The lack of originality is infuriating.

4.) People that leave time on the microwave- I'll never understand how this happens. At least 2-3 times a week I'll enter my kitchen and see something like, ":37 Start?" on the microwave. To me, using a microwave is simple. You choose an amount of time that you think will heat your food to the right temperature and you hit "Start". Once the time is up you remove the food and if it's warm enough you go to town. If it's still too cold you enter more time. Why would you remove something before the timer goes off? Ok, maybe you're eyeballing the food and it looks ready, so you open the door. Hit the "Clear" button! It takes less than a second.

5.) The phrase "quick question"- I hear this allll the time and it drives me crazy. Why don't people just ask the question? Saying, "I have a quick question for you," only takes up more time than just directly asking the question. I don't even like when people say, "Hey, I've got a question for you." Does the person you're about to ask need a warning? Just ask the question.

6.) People that walk into a room and expect those already in it to acknowledge them- This happens to me at least twice a day. People I like a lot do it routinely. I've trained myself to not even turn. I just focus on the computer or television screen in front of me and wait for the person who entered the room to say something. A handful of times people have opened a door halfway and after I deliberately did not acknowledge them they chose not to enter and closed the door. Here's my point- the person opening the door or entering the room is the one that disrupted the homeostasis of the room. Why should the inhabitants of the room be forced to address the newcomer? The person entering the room surely has some purpose for doing so, right? Instead of waiting to be acknowledged they should state their reason for entering.

7.) Tweets/Facebook posts involving the phrases "said no one ever" and "asking for a friend"- Stop it. Pointing out things that people wouldn't say is not funny. Nor is asking a relatively embarassing question and playing it off like someone else asked you to ask.

8.) When the contestants on Jeopardy fail to reveal all of the clues on the board because their pace is too slow- Hey people, don't you know that I'm counting the number of answers that I get right?

9.) The word "ditto"- I can't believe that it took so long for this to make the list. Ditto is probably my least favorite word in the English language. Not only is tacky, it was featured prominently in the movie Ghost (1990) starring Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. I can't think of an appropriate time to use this idiotic word. If the person to your right at dinner orders what you want do you say, "Ditto for me" to the waiter/waitress? No, you say, "I'll have the same."

10.) When people eat (myself) included in front of others that are not eating- As far as I'm concerned eating is either a shared experience or a solo activity. I can't stand when people eat in front of me or when I'm forced into eating in an area where someone else is not doing the same. I try my hardest to avoid these situations at all costs, but they still happen from time to time.

Become More of a Man

My buddy Gens, a dear friend of the blog, sent me a link the other day that was right up my alley. Two guys (one being the man behind @GSElevator) compiled a list of things that if obeyed will serve as a guide to being a man. It wasn't as simple as eat red meat, drink beer, and watch football. There was actually nice balance between genuine life advice and whimsical one liners. I've included most of them below, but if you want the full list you can click here.

·  Stop talking about where you went to college- I can see how this would get another in the Wall Street world, but I’m actually pretty interest in where people got their diplomas. I think it’s a good jumping off point for conversation. In many ways it’s one of the most common questions asked among millenials that are meeting for the first time.

·  Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket- I’m the type of person that will spend cash if I have it on me, so I generally avoid carrying that much. Once a $20 bill is broken the change will be spent shortly thereafter. Carrying cash definitely makes sense in a city environment when it comes to buying drinks, etc. I live in the middle of Connecticut, so I think I’m good.

·  Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans-  Business casual is sort of half assing it. It’s like sticking your toes in the water without going in. Either go all out or don’t I think this advice is applicable in many other walks of life.

·  Join Twitter; become your own curator of information- I love how this is phrased. I’ve mentioned time and time again how joining Twitter (after years of criticizing the medium) was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Even if you don’t feel compelled to spout off on anything Twitter is a great tool to streamline your interests. It also puts a bunch of things on your radar that you normally wouldn’t know about because the people you follow are constantly sharing things that they’re interested in.

·  When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink- I’m one of the most indecisive people that you’ll meet. I also feel slightly insecure about my go-to drink order, gin and tonic. As my hero, Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, once said, “Clear alcohol is for rich women on diets.”

·  You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly- I’m not sure if I totally understand this one, but it seems like a profound thought. I assume it means that you should know what’s going on in the world even if you could care less about news and politics.

·  When in doubt, always kiss the girl- What’s the famous Gretzky line? You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

·  Tip more than you should- Unless the waitress is an absolute cunt. Then you can tip like your last name is Greenberg.

·  You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments- This one applies to everyone. Our society’s reliance on handheld devices is staggering. I’ve thought about going a few days without the use of my phone, but I don’t think I can pull it off. I may just start leaving it in my room for hours at a time, so I’m not constantly checking Twitter, Facebook, InstaGram, Snapchat, etc.

·  Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them- I’ve long been anti-sunglasses, but this makes sense. I’ve never owned a legitimate pair, but that’s probably because I wear actual glasses all the time.

·  Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning- Tying a workout to something you do every day, like showering, is the best way to develop a habit. I do 100 pushups every morning after I shower.

·  Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home- I love brunch, but I generally work weekends, so this one would be tough for me. A good slop session with the guys is always a great time.

·  Be a regular at more than one bar- Some variety is a must.

·  Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane- Knowing how to act properly in all settings is a clear sign of maturity.

·  A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day- I know a few people who have a glass of wine everyday when they get home from work and then another glass with dinner. I usually only drink wine 3-4 times a year.


·  It’s better if old men cut your hair- I normally avoid conversations with strangers when I can, but old men often have semi-interesting stories.

·  No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman- As much as I like InstaGram I still can’t deny that taking pictures is definitely more of a feminine thing to do.

·  Ask for a salad instead of fries- Eating healthy is a commitment to your future self. Oftentimes it’s difficult, but it’s for the best. You won’t be able to fight the urge to consume garbage like fries all of the time, but you should be trying.

·  Don’t split a check- I like paying for an entire meal because it’s just easier that way, but it depends on how many people are with me. I don’t make nearly enough money to make this a common thing.

·  Do not use an electric razor- Really? Ok, it’s been noted.


·  One girlfriend at a time is probably enough- You’re not in college anymore.

·  #StopItWithTheHastags- I’ll let most of them slide on Twitter and InstaGram, but they have got to be cut from actual conversations.

·  You may only request one song from the DJ- I think one is pushing it.

·  Measure yourself only against your previous self- This may be the best advice on here. Too often people compare themselves to their peers. If all of your friends get married it doesn’t mean that you’re a fuck up or that you’re falling behind. Similarly, people may appear to be happy as clams, but behind closed doors they can be absolutely miserable. Make peace with yourself and try to become the best version of yourself that you can be. You shouldn’t need any external motivation or feel any sense of pressure from others.

·  Place-dropping is worse than name-dropping- I don’t hear the former that often, so I’d say it’s a toss up, but I’m definitely going to keep my ears peeled for when people do.

·  When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them- Forget about artists and writers. If someone does a good job at something, let them know.

·  Your clothes do not match. They go together- A good line for the fashion challenged.


·  Staying angry is a waste of energy- Completely agree. Nobody likes a perpetual hot head. Strive to be a positive person.


·  If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn't want you- Don’t change who you are to fit someone else’s version of yourself.

·  Always bring a bottle of something to the party- It’s common courtesy, right?


·  Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life- “I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next”  -Gilda Radner

·  Drink outdoors. And during the day. And sometimes by yourself- Alcohol can fuel self-reflection.

·  Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised- You can learn something different from every person that you meet. We all have our own unique story to tell. Entering into conversations with this mindset will make you a more open and engaging person.


·  Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious. Cut it out with the vintage Polo and that ’83 Wagoneer in Nantucket- Trying to appear as if you aren’t trying has been happening ever since college when kids in pajamas/sweatpants had gel in their hair at the cafeteria for Sunday brunch.

·  No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it- Whining is annoying and gets you nowhere.


·  Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you- It’s easy to fall back into an old rhythm, but things stopped working for a reason.

·  Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar- I’ve done it a few times for breakfast and once for lunch. It’s fantastic. I prefer to eat my meals alone in the first place.

·  Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading …”- Reading may seem like something that old people do, but it’s actually what smart people do. The absorption of new words, phrases, and ideas is immensely beneficial. Reading cultivates your mind and makes you a better communicator.

·  Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats- Don’t let the opinion of others affect you.  

·  Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”- You’re smart enough to come up with a better explanation.

·  Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born. Add a few cases every year without telling them. It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years- Pretty cool idea.

·  Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off- Set a limit and stick with it.

·  Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”-  Another one that I don’t fully comprehend, but it seems like a deep, meaningful collection of words.

 

I don’t think that if you adhere to this list you will be more of a man, but I think you’ll be a lot less of a douche and more of a thoughtful human being.