Relax girls, but don't let it out

Last Thursday, CNN came out with an article for women titled "Relationship anxieties to quit worrying about." The main point was that women stress too much over things that guys don't even care about (Shocker, right?). Some of the author's examples I agree with, but others I do not.

1.) Stretch marks- I think this is a subject that not too many of us have had to deal with, but to say that guys don't really care about them is fairly accurate. More often than not, guys will only come across stretch marks when dealing with a woman that used to be fat and is now skinny (obviously no problem there) or with a woman that has given birth (all's good if it's your baby's momma and even if it's not- bonus points for sticking a mom).

While guys my age may not have had to deal with stretch marks, I'm sure they have dealt with tan lines. Now some of my friends really like tan lines, while others do not. Either way, they are not a turn off because if one encounters tan lines, it means they have been granted access to an area where the general public or tanning booth has been denied.

2.) Can I spend a night with my girlfriends?- YES, please do. Guys need time away from women. The phrase "can't live with them, but can't live without them" really applies here. Men just need some time to unwind, drink a few frosty bevs and watch some sports with the guys. There is a scene in the movie "You, Me, and Dupree" that illustrates this point. Seth Rogan is pumped for guy's night but once the clock hits midnight he has to go back home to his wife. He asks the recently married Matt Dillon how late he gets to stay out and enjoy being free from his wife and then this exchange ensues.

Seth Rogan- Does my breath smell like beer?
Matt Dillon- Yeah
Seth Rogan- Good, because do you want to know what it doesn't smell like? Weed and cigarettes.

3.) Age- The only age that guys tend to worry about is the one that the law says is illegal. Older women need not fear. If you are attractive, guys really don't care that much. I guess it becomes a little fishy when women hit menopause if a guy wants to procreate, but that's a little too serious for the time being.

I actually have a friend, who as a college senior was hooking up with a high school senior. He was 21 and she was 17. Luckily for him this relationship was all within the bounds of the law (the age of consent in New York is 17 and just 16 in Connecticut). When she came to visit him, everyone's first question after being introduced was naturally, "Where do you go to school?" My friend, the wise man that he is, told everyone that she went to BC. They all thought he meant Boston College, but in reality he meant before college.

4.) Sexual experience- This is another one where most guys usually could care less. As long as they are getting some, they are happy campers; however guys are less inclined to go after the very promiscuous girl, unless they are in a slump or are blacked out. In fact, I once wrote, "You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers."

5.) Farting- This is where I largely disagree with the article. Guys largely like their women to be ladylike. Breaking wind for women is off limits. In fact, I'm sure you've heard this before, but guys sincerely want to believe that girls don't poop. Now this might sound strange coming from a man who's ability to fart virtually on command has garnered him the nickname "Fartman", but there is just something masculine about anal acoustics. That being said, guys farting in front of girls should almost be off limits as well. It's not classy to flatulate in front of women, but sometimes our gas has a mind of its own and just slips out via a one cheek sneak.