The Six Levels of the Male Friendship

In the past 12 months the word "bromance" has really come into its own. All of a sudden everyone has become very interested in the underlying dynamics of male friendships. We even saw the very underrated movie I Love You, Man, which was based entirely on the origins of a so-called "bromance." Now for the life of me I can't figure out why people became so enamored with male friendships in the first place. I mean we, men, are simple beings. There's no false advertising going on here. We like sports, women, beer, and power. That's really about it. Similarly male friendships, or "bromances", at least among twenty somethings are also very simple. They tend to follow a linear and logical progression.

Level One- You are in the same network, whether it be the same college or the same workplace, and you are aware that each other exists. When you come across one another you most likely make rash, negative judgments about the other like, "That kid is such a loser. I bet he brings nothing to the table. I can't believe [insert female's name here] hooked up with him."

Level Two- You meet and begrudgingly realize that neither of you are total d-bags. You have a few civil conversations, but still somewhat resent each other for something. (i.e. hooking up with a girl, being super athletic, etc.)

Level Three- You're friends with each others friends. You say what's up when you see each other. You might have a few inside jokes, but you basically repeat them every time you see each other. You aren't calling each other to hang out, but it's cool to see one another out. In fact, you aren't calling each other unless it's to play pickup basketball or something like that. You might go on Spring Break together, but only if it is a large group. Also, you might be on the same softball team.

Level Four- You're essentially in the same social circle, but you would never hang out together unless others from the group were present. For example, you'd golf together in a foursome, but you probably wouldn't ride in the same cart. You'd go to one another's house with the guys to watch the big game. You also might be in the same fantasy football league. Basically if you took alcohol and sports out of the equation you probably wouldn't speak to one another.

Level Five- You might be roommates. It wouldn't be weird to have a one on one man date for lunch. You are go-to drinking buddies and by default go-to wingmen. You give each other's girlfriend the kiss hello. You have each other's back-which means you're both ready to throw down and fight even if you are outnumbered and know the only reason you're fighting is because the other instigated everything with his loud mouth. If a Vegas trip was in the works, you'd want each other to be a part of it. You'd gladly help one another fix a flat tire and other manly stuff of that sort.

Level Six- You know each other's family and friends from home very well. You regularly keep in touch. You'd feel obligated to help one another move. You'd pick up/drop each other off at the airport. Somehow, someway you end up having heart to hearts about your careers/girls/etc. You'd let them date your sister. You'd undoubtedly be in each other's wedding parties.


This entire train of thought was triggered in my head last week when an old college buddy of mine picked me up from the airport in Chicago. He isn't a level six friend (he's about a five), but him picking me up was a level six move. Now you may disagree with my levels and that's fine with me. It's not like they are strict guidelines like the twelve steps of a recovering alcoholic. You don't have to accomplish everything listed in one level to move on to the next. But I do think they are a fairly good measure of how the male friendship develops.

Furthermore, most of you are aware that I have a particular fascination with the former NBC television series Seinfeld. I'm convinced that something happens to me at least once a week that directly relates to something that happened in one of the 180 episodes of the show. These Seinfeld moments are what I live for. Now my buddy picking me up from the airport wasn't exactly a Seinfeld moment, but it did remind me of this scene.

[phone rings]
JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE: Who was that?
JERRY: That was Keith.
ELAINE: What's going on?
JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?
JERRY: You know, furniture.
ELAINE: So, what did you say?
JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step in the male relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for…
JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?

[Kramer enters]

KRAMER: What's going on?
JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
JERRY: … I said yes.
KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!
KRAMER: yeah yeah
JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favor.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]

Sure enough, there's another Seinfeld scene that also relates to my different levels of friendship notion. Jerry and Elaine have been chosen to be the Godparents of a couple's baby, but they question the closeness of their relationship with the couple because they feel uncomfortable about the bris.

JERRY: How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?
ELAINE: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
JERRY: Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE: What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
JERRY: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
ELAINE: Yes it is level jumping.