I'm in Awkwardville and I'm the Mayor

For being someone that excels in most areas of communication and generally has a way with words, whether they be spoken or written, I'm actually an incredibly awkward person. I'm a world class blogger (clearly), I have a degree in Communications, and I work in radio. Communicating effectively as a speaker, writer, and listener is my livelihood. So when it comes to writing an email, telling a story, or selling an idea I'm usually lights out, but for whatever reason there are simple, everyday episodes in which I consistently struggle.

Outside of talking to girls sober here are 6 situations (and there are no doubt plenty others) where much like the most interesting man in the world I'm the most awkward man in the world:

1.) The hug/handshake/kiss hello- I think many guys and girls my age struggle with this one, especially when it comes to meeting a friend's mom/dad. Much like Ben Stiller in Meet The Parents I never know what the appropriate move is. A handshake is always the safe bet, but if I throw my hand out there and my friend's mom extends her arms for a hug we are headed straight for awkward city. I'm even awkward in these situations with my aunts and friend's moms that I know well. Whenever the kiss on the cheek enters the game I'm, to borrow a soccer term, all 6's and 7's. I imagine that this is also a tough spot for a girl meeting a (boy)friend's dad. Is a hug the proper etiquette? Is a kiss on the cheek the way to go? Probably due to my long standing awkwardness in these situations I've long said that the adult should dictate the proper level of formality. They should make the first move.

Well it's not only with adults where I'm akward in hug/handshake/kiss hello situations. When it comes to girls I know from highschool and college I usually just play it safe and go for the hug, but sometimes problems arise. For example, I still don't know when the kiss on the cheek is the right move, so I generally avoid it, but when a female goes for it I feel compelled to do the same and it almost never goes down smoothly. Furthermore, let's say that I see a group of 6 girls from highschool or college that I haven't seen in a while. Obviously I'm closer with some of them than I am with others. I've probably even spoken to a few of them recently. But there's always one or two girls that I never really knew well, haven't kept in touch with, never really liked, etc. So after hugging 4 or 5 girls, do I hug the 1-2 that I don't know as well? I think so, but when I do I feel like I'm overstepping my bounds of familiarity.

2.) Ending phone call conversations- Don't ask me why, but I have trouble getting off the phone with people. My phone conversations seem to drag on like you wouldn't believe. I wouldn't say that it feels like a forced conversation because this usually happens with people I know quite well, but I noticed this a few years back. At first I thought it was the 1-2 people that it happened with, but eventually I came to realize that the problem was most likely on my end. This realization has made me even more awkward when trying to end phone conversations because now I'm thinking about it the whole time I'm on the phone. After a certain point, I start planning an exit strategy just to avoid the extra long conversation and I end up awkwardly trying to end the conversation and then continuing to talk for an additional 5-10 minutes.

3.) Walking towards someone in a narrow hallway/aisle- This is the worst for me. I'm so bad at these situations that it's painful. No joke 9 out of 10 times I'm in a situation like this I take a step in the same direction that the person walking towards me does. I then make the most awkward sound of all time before cutting back in the other direction to avoid unnecessary physical contact. That awkward sound is, "oop." Like the singular version of the word "oops." The sound must come out of my voicebox instinctively because I'm ashamed everytime I say it and have been unsuccessfully trying to eradicate it from my life. This happens to me in hallways, pathways outside, supermarket aisles, etc. FYI- my go to move in these situations is to go to the right (because here in America we drive on the right side of the road), but clearly that's not working.

4.) Getting to an all way stop at the same time as another car- I used to thrive in these situations back when I was a daring 18-year-old. As a sports fan I assumed that the tie went to the runner (me) and I would just go for it. I don't know what's happened to me in the past 4-6 years, but apparently I've become a little soft behind the wheel. Now I only get aggressive and assume the tie goes to me when I'm in a rush. Othertimes I play it passively and just wait for the other car to go. Unfortunately more often than not they are doing the same thing and waiting for me to go. After a certain amount of time I get the picture and figure out that they are waiting for me, so I start to go, but the other car usually has figured out that I was waiting for them, so they start to go as well. Then we have a bad dance routine of starting and stopping, until one of us just goes.

Also, just to clarify, I've never done this, but flashing the high beams at someone is like saying, "You go ahead," correct?

5.) Giving dap- Along with being one of the most awkward kids alive, I'm also probably one of the whitest kids you know. They sort of go hand in hand really. When it comes to giving dap (I fear attempting to explain this because it will probably be an awkward explanation), or when two guys take (some version of) a handshake and turn it into a quick embrace, my whiteness shines through. In fact, one time I met 3 Boston College basketball players (all black) and they literally had to give me lessons.

6.) My posture- If you've spent a considerable amount of time with me you probably know that I have awkward posture. First of all, I'm a big time sloucher, which isn't really awkward, but it's something I'm trying to work on, so writing this is a nice reminder for me. I'm an awkward sitter/stander, or so I've been told. I often sit (comfortably) with my knees touching (I think). I have bony elbows that have caused a friend to go out of his way to avoid sitting on the right of me. Also, when standing I never know what to do with my hands/arms. Crossed? In my pockets? At my side? Nothing feels right.