Lost in the shuffle of the NFL draft and the NHL playoffs is the fact that the NBA playoffs start today. The abridged 66 game season is over and it’s time to raise the level of intensity up a notch. For those of you that were wondering (and I assume that it was none of you) I successfully predicted that 14 of the 16 teams left would make the playoffs in my pre-season post last December.
Although I just humblebragged my pre-season picks I do not claim to be any sort of authority on the NBA. I will say that most people my age like college basketball a lot more than the NBA. They cast off the NBA and say that the players don’t care enough, “no one plays defense”, etc. 1.) They’re wrong. 2.) I like the NBA a lot more than college basketball, but again I am no sage. That won’t stop me from filling out my NBA playoff bracket for you right here and now, though.
Let’s start in the East…
First Round
(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (8) Philadelphia 76ers- Reigning MVP Derrick Rose missed 27 games this season and the Bulls are somehow better than they were a year ago. This does not bode well for the 76ers. Philadelphia started hot (10-3), but they faded down the stretch (lost 8 of their last 14). The problem with the 76ers is that they don’t have a go to scorer. They have a bunch of young, promising players, but no one is elite. When Chicago puts the clamps down I think they’ll struggle to score. The Pick- Chicago in 5
(4) Boston Celtics vs. (5) Atlanta Hawks- The Hawks have the better record, but the Celtics get home court advantage because they won the Atlantic Division. The Celtics have looked like a completely different team in the 2nd half thanks to the dynamic play of Rajon Rondo and the decision to move Kevin Garnett to the 5. The Hawks are a solid outfit, but Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, and company just aren’t enough to match up with Rondo, Ray Allen (coming off the bench because of the development of Avery Bradley), Paul Pierce, and KG. The pick- Boston in 6
(3) Indiana Pacers vs. (6) Orlando Magic- This is easily the most boring matchup of the first round. The Pacers are a young upstart group led by their fiery coach Frank Vogel and the Magic are playing without Dwight Howard. I think the Magic, who have playoff experience, will galvanize without Dwight and push the youthful Pacers to the brink. The pick- Indiana in 7
(2) Miami Heat vs. (7) New York Knicks- The Knicks have been a much better team defensively all year (and even more so when Mike Woodson took over as head coach), but the Heat have elite scoring options. The matchups for the Knicks on the defensive end aren’t terrible (Melo on LeBron, Shumpert on D-Wade, and Chandler on Bosh), but the Heat get after it defensively as well. Miami has been spotty all year, but I think that they’ll stride into a different gear in the post season. The pick- Miami in 5
Conference Semi-Finals
(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (4) Boston Celtics- While moving KG to the 5 has re-energized The Big Ticket it was a move made mostly out of desperation. The Celtics frontcourt has been decimated by injuries all year (Jeff Green, Jermaine O’Neal) and I don’t think that they have enough in the frontcourt to bang with the Bulls. The pick- Chicago in 6
(2) Miami Heat vs. (3) Indiana Pacers- The Pacers are a great, and under covered, story, but they are simply no match for the Heat. The pick- Miami in 4
Conference Finals
(1) Chicago Bulls vs. (2) Miami Heat- The Heat beat the Bulls in 5 in the Conference Finals last year and each team has gotten better. The big question for Chicago is whether or not they have enough offensive firepower outside of Derrick Rose. Carlos Boozer is an undersized 4 who is somewhat crafty around the basket, Luol Deng is a versatile 3, but he doesn’t have an elite skill, and Rip Hamilton has a mid range game that I dream about, but he can’t create his own shot. When LeBron locks down D Rose in the 4th quarter the Bulls will rely on one of the aforementioned players to step it up. Sure they’ve been doing it all year with Rose sidelined due to injury, but I don’t think they’ll have enough against a supremely long and athletic Miami Heat team. The pick- Miami in 5
And now for the West…
First Round
(1) San Antonio Spurs vs. (8) Utah Jazz- The Spurs were upset as the 1 seed and it’s not going to happen again. I like the Utah frontcourt of Paul Milsap, Al Jefferson, and Derrick Favors, but Gregg Popovich has been resting the original big three and Tony Parker, Manu Ginoboli, and Tim Duncan will be ready to go. The pick- San Antonio in 5
(4) Memphis Grizzlies vs. (5) Los Angeles Clippers- This is the most intriguing first round matchup and I can see it going either way. Memphis’ frontcourt of Rudy Gay, Zach Randolph, and Marc Gasol is dominant. In the backcourt Mike Conley Jr. has taken the next step, Tony Allen is one of the best perimeter defenders in the league, and OJ Mayo provides some firepower off the bench. The Clippers have Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and not much else. Caron Butler is nice, but he’s only a shade of what he once was. Randy Foye can light it up, but not if Tony Allen is defending him. DeAndre Jordan serves his purpose as a defender/rebounder, but he’ll have his hands full with Gasol and won’t be able to help Blake/Kenyon Martin defend Z-Bo. The pick- Memphis in 7
(3) Los Angeles Lakers vs. (6) Denver Nuggets- No Metta World Peace for the Lakers, which is good news for Danilo Gallinari and the Nuggets, but I’m not sure that it will be enough. Denver has a lot of nice pieces (Lawson, Afflalo, Gallo, Faried, Al Harrington, etc.), but how do they stop Kobe, Pau, and Bynum? Plus, the Lakers aren’t a revolving door defensively at the point guard position anymore. The pick- Lakers in 5
(2) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (7) Dallas Mavericks- The defending champs have been an abject disaster all year and I don’t see them putting up much of a fight in this one. The Mavs core of Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Vince Carter, Dirk Nowitzki, and Brendan Haywood are 39, 34, 35, 33, and 32 respectively. The Thunder’s core of Russell Westbrook, James Harden, Kevin Durant, Serge Ibaka, and Kendrick Perkins are 23, 22, 23, 22, and 27 respectively. I’ll take the young guys in a rout. The pick- Oklahoma City in 4
Conference Semi-Finals
(1) San Antonio Spurs vs. (4) Memphis Grizzlies- The Spurs have found young, energetic guys to fill in the holes around Tony Parker, Manu, and The Big Fundamental like Kawhi Leonard, Danny Green, and Tiago Splitter, but I’m worried that they won’t be able to defend the paint well enough to advance. The Spurs will be looking to avenge last year’s first round upset, but I think the key to last year’s series (points in the paint) will again be the difference. Say what you will about Zach Randolph, but he’s an absolute beast on the block. The pick- Memphis in 6
(2) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (3) Los Angeles Lakers- The Thunder want the Lakers bad. They feel like they need to beat the Lake Show to prove to the world that they have arrived. They went and got Kendrick Perkins after the Lakers dominated them in the low post in 2010. They acquired former Lakers guard Derek Fisher to add a much needed veteran presence. I think this year is the year for OKC. The pick- Oklahoma City in 6
Conference Finals
(2) Oklahoma City Thunder vs. (4) Memphis Grizzlies- The Grizz can bang down low and they can defend, but the Thunder present a unique challenge because they can defend the post and can score like no one else (outside of the Heat) from the perimeter. Tony Allen is great defender and can probably minimize the effectiveness of Russell Westbrook, but who guards the 3-time scoring champ Kevin Durant? Shane Battier is no longer there. Sam Young is no longer there. The first thing you want to do when you face the Thunder is stop Durant and if you can’t do that you’re in trouble. The pick- Oklahoma City in 5
NBA Finals
(2) Miami Heat vs. (2) Oklahoma City Thunder- This is the matchup that most people have been clamoring for. Both teams have elite scorers, freak athletes, length, and end to end speed. The matchups are pretty even, but I give the edge to the Heat because they can throw LeBron and Battier at Durant and I don’t think that OKC has an answer for LeBron. Durant just isn’t there as a defender quite yet and I think that will be their undoing. This is the “year of no excuses” for LeBron and he won’t need any because the Heat are going to get it done. The pick- Miami in 6
Not one…
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
That Went Quick
As I’ve covered on multiple occasions there are certain events, usually birthdays, anniversaries, and New Year’s Day, that help us mark the passing of time. We often get caught up in the day to day activities that have taken over our lives, but these events remind us that time is charging ahead. In 2009 I wrote about how, for me, one of these events is the act of purchasing a new computer. Well, this past weekend I discovered another event that causes me to stop and reflect; the Summer Olympics.
During a visit with some friends at home in Syracuse this weekend we got to talking about the patently absurd comments made by Ray Allen and Dwyane Wade in which they suggested that they should be paid to play for the US National Team. I don’t want to get into it because the very suggestion (whether it was just in response to a question or not) bothers me greatly. The conversation naturally led to a quick mention of the 2012 games this summer in London, which caused someone to say, “I can’t believe that the Olympics are right around the corner again.” Almost immediately everyone was in agreement about how quickly the past four years have gone. Maybe we’re all crazy, but it just doesn’t seem like four years have passed since Michael Phelps was dominating in the pool and the Redeem Team was being awarded their gold medals. I distinctly remember setting an alarm at my buddy’s apartment to wake up at the crack of dawn to watch the gold medal game between Spain and the US and it’s hard for me to believe that LeBron James played two more full seasons for the Cavaliers after that.
People always talk about how quickly their time in college went and I think there’s plenty of truth to that. However, as much as it seemed like my college years (2004-08) flew by I think I would make the case that 2008-12 elapsed even quicker. Not only did the time fly by, but things in my life have also changed drastically in that four year span. Since the summer of 2008 (probably the best summer of my life) I have had three jobs. Two of them only lasted for 3-4 months each, but still, three jobs is three jobs. I have lived in three different apartments and in June it will be four. I have also officially become a Connecticut resident.
While on the surface it might seem like things in your life are essentially the same as they were four years ago, in most cases they are actually considerably different. If you really stop and think about it I’m sure that you’ll agree.
I think college seemed to last a little bit longer than this recent four year stretch, for me anyway, because everyone in my social network (not to name a famous movie or anything) was doing similar things. We all had the structure of the school calendar. Classes, projects, papers, Christmas break, Spring break, summer vacation, etc. We were also all living the college lifestyle and obviously my college friends and I were all living within the same two mile radius. For the most part it was a shared experience.
Everything is a bit more scattered now. Not only do I have friends littered all over the country (Dallas, Chicago, New York, Boston, Baltimore, Denver, Atlanta, etc.), but they’re all making life altering decisions at a rapid rate. I have friends that have been married for over a year, friends that are engaged, friends with houses, friends with dogs, and a friend who's a year older than me that has two kids. Everyone also works in a different field. In college they may have had different majors, but we were still in the same place, so the differences were minimized. Everyone in my social network now has new stories, hobbies, friends, etc. It's still hard to believe, but all of these changed have ocurred since the Beijing Olympics.
While certain aspects of my life have changed in the past four years (where I live, what I do, who I hang out with, etc.) I still like to think that I’m the same person that I was back in 2008, but I know that that’s not the case. Not only am I now out of shape, but I also believe that I’m smarter (still waiting for that phone call Jeopardy!), more mature, more stubborn (if that was even possible), hopefully less arrogant, but there’s no guarantee of that, and a little mellowed out. I read more, I write more, and I probably watch more TV. I also rarely get hammered on both nights of the weekend. Plus, I know that I don’t have everything figured out, but until now I didn’t let anyone know that.
What’s weird is that I thought I knew it all when I was 18. Back then, though, I was just a naïve kid who thought that the key to life was “beating the system and finding the happy medium” (verbatim from my senior quotes). Now I don’t want to unequivocally say that I was wrong because obviously those words of wisdom still hold true in certain instances, but they are by no means the be all end all. At the time I was convinced that those two tidbits contained all the answers to life’s questions.
I guess my point is that that 18 year old kid who thought he was right about everything really didn’t know much. From 18-22 I learned countless life lessons that have made me who I am today. As cliche as it may sound, I grew up in my time in college. Ironically though, that 22 year old version of me also thought that he was right about everything. Once again he would go on to learn plenty in the years ahead. As much as college prepares us for the “real world” there really is no teacher like experience. Now at 26 I'm mature enough to admit that I don't have all the answers. I still have plenty of opinions, but that doesn't mean that I'm always right.
I now know that for whatever reason I stop and re-assess my life every four years. I guess it makes sense because high school lasted for four years, college lasted for four years, and now I’ve been in the “real world” for four years, but it took the mention of the 2008 Summer Olympics to trigger my quadrennial habit. Coincidentally there was a How I Met Your Mother episode a few weeks back where over the stretch of 15 years the characters watched the Star Wars trilogy in the years 2000, 2003, 2006, 2009, and 2012 and looked ahead to what their lives would be like each three years in the future.
Either way, I know that there will be immeasurable life changing events, lessons to learn, difficult decisions to make, and experiences to share before the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio. What’s really scary, though, is that by then I’ll be 30.
During a visit with some friends at home in Syracuse this weekend we got to talking about the patently absurd comments made by Ray Allen and Dwyane Wade in which they suggested that they should be paid to play for the US National Team. I don’t want to get into it because the very suggestion (whether it was just in response to a question or not) bothers me greatly. The conversation naturally led to a quick mention of the 2012 games this summer in London, which caused someone to say, “I can’t believe that the Olympics are right around the corner again.” Almost immediately everyone was in agreement about how quickly the past four years have gone. Maybe we’re all crazy, but it just doesn’t seem like four years have passed since Michael Phelps was dominating in the pool and the Redeem Team was being awarded their gold medals. I distinctly remember setting an alarm at my buddy’s apartment to wake up at the crack of dawn to watch the gold medal game between Spain and the US and it’s hard for me to believe that LeBron James played two more full seasons for the Cavaliers after that.
People always talk about how quickly their time in college went and I think there’s plenty of truth to that. However, as much as it seemed like my college years (2004-08) flew by I think I would make the case that 2008-12 elapsed even quicker. Not only did the time fly by, but things in my life have also changed drastically in that four year span. Since the summer of 2008 (probably the best summer of my life) I have had three jobs. Two of them only lasted for 3-4 months each, but still, three jobs is three jobs. I have lived in three different apartments and in June it will be four. I have also officially become a Connecticut resident.
While on the surface it might seem like things in your life are essentially the same as they were four years ago, in most cases they are actually considerably different. If you really stop and think about it I’m sure that you’ll agree.
I think college seemed to last a little bit longer than this recent four year stretch, for me anyway, because everyone in my social network (not to name a famous movie or anything) was doing similar things. We all had the structure of the school calendar. Classes, projects, papers, Christmas break, Spring break, summer vacation, etc. We were also all living the college lifestyle and obviously my college friends and I were all living within the same two mile radius. For the most part it was a shared experience.
Everything is a bit more scattered now. Not only do I have friends littered all over the country (Dallas, Chicago, New York, Boston, Baltimore, Denver, Atlanta, etc.), but they’re all making life altering decisions at a rapid rate. I have friends that have been married for over a year, friends that are engaged, friends with houses, friends with dogs, and a friend who's a year older than me that has two kids. Everyone also works in a different field. In college they may have had different majors, but we were still in the same place, so the differences were minimized. Everyone in my social network now has new stories, hobbies, friends, etc. It's still hard to believe, but all of these changed have ocurred since the Beijing Olympics.
While certain aspects of my life have changed in the past four years (where I live, what I do, who I hang out with, etc.) I still like to think that I’m the same person that I was back in 2008, but I know that that’s not the case. Not only am I now out of shape, but I also believe that I’m smarter (still waiting for that phone call Jeopardy!), more mature, more stubborn (if that was even possible), hopefully less arrogant, but there’s no guarantee of that, and a little mellowed out. I read more, I write more, and I probably watch more TV. I also rarely get hammered on both nights of the weekend. Plus, I know that I don’t have everything figured out, but until now I didn’t let anyone know that.
What’s weird is that I thought I knew it all when I was 18. Back then, though, I was just a naïve kid who thought that the key to life was “beating the system and finding the happy medium” (verbatim from my senior quotes). Now I don’t want to unequivocally say that I was wrong because obviously those words of wisdom still hold true in certain instances, but they are by no means the be all end all. At the time I was convinced that those two tidbits contained all the answers to life’s questions.
I guess my point is that that 18 year old kid who thought he was right about everything really didn’t know much. From 18-22 I learned countless life lessons that have made me who I am today. As cliche as it may sound, I grew up in my time in college. Ironically though, that 22 year old version of me also thought that he was right about everything. Once again he would go on to learn plenty in the years ahead. As much as college prepares us for the “real world” there really is no teacher like experience. Now at 26 I'm mature enough to admit that I don't have all the answers. I still have plenty of opinions, but that doesn't mean that I'm always right.
I now know that for whatever reason I stop and re-assess my life every four years. I guess it makes sense because high school lasted for four years, college lasted for four years, and now I’ve been in the “real world” for four years, but it took the mention of the 2008 Summer Olympics to trigger my quadrennial habit. Coincidentally there was a How I Met Your Mother episode a few weeks back where over the stretch of 15 years the characters watched the Star Wars trilogy in the years 2000, 2003, 2006, 2009, and 2012 and looked ahead to what their lives would be like each three years in the future.
Either way, I know that there will be immeasurable life changing events, lessons to learn, difficult decisions to make, and experiences to share before the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio. What’s really scary, though, is that by then I’ll be 30.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
That's What He Said- Chapter 7
It's hard to believe that it's already time for the seventh installment of my memoir. For those of you that don't know what's going on, you have a lottt of catching up to do (Click here to get started). For those of you that have been consistently checking in toward the beginning of each month I'd like to thank you for coming back. I hope that this narcissitic tale of mine is at least mildly entertaining for you.
Chapter 7
I was already a minor celebrity (on a very small scale) on campus as the writer of the “He Said”, but this column vaulted my popularity exponentially. Much of this added awareness, though, came as a result of being branded public enemy number one by a significant portion of the female student body. I was no longer fazed by the whispers, looks, and occasional comments, but this particular week things were noticeably different. I could just sense an extra oomph of vitriol spewing from female onlookers as I paraded around campus. I received looks of disgust, death stares, and even a “Don’t fucking touch me,” as I politely tried to slither my way through a crowded house party. I took all of this negative attention in stride because (well for one, any press is good press) the feedback I received from my column all year was overwhelmingly positive.
Most people that dished out complimentary comments also requested a shout out in a future column, though. It never got to the level where I was annoyed by it, but seemingly every guy and girl I knew wanted me to name drop them in some capacity. My go to response was, “I’ll see what I can do,” but I knew that if I was going to mention anyone by name it would only be a handful of my closest friends and I would need a real good reason to do it. Sure I wrote about my friends and their experiences, but I rarely used their names. Oftentimes I even deliberately chose to hold back information so that they wouldn’t know or think that I was referring to them. For example, if Kristen didn’t go to Kyle’s house for Columbus Day Weekend I probably would have held back much of what I said about rich girls from Long Island. Kristen’s dad was the CEO of some financial firm and he had more money than I will probably ever see in my lifetime. When I went to her house/castle the previous summer with Matty K, Kristen’s dad flaunted his wealth by taking his Maserati out from one of his many garages just to show it off1. Because I no longer cared as much about unintentionally pissing off Kristen (I honestly didn’t even have her in mind at all) I was able to incorporate another zinger into my column.
As convenient as it would be I cannot plead ignorance when it comes to the backlash that this column provoked. As much as I knew that my male readers were going to love it, I also knew that everyone on campus that had to sit down to pee was going to be a little perturbed by it. In fact, the following week The Mirror ran this letter to the editor and titled it, “Silencing Stanczyk”:
To the Editor:
I can look past the Columbus Day Weekend bashing and even the wild assumptions and generalizations of Dan Stanczyk's enthralling 'He Said' column, but this week had me particularly fired up.
Although he makes some accurate commentaries on the female population here at Fairfield, he falls short at not being able to recognize the small yet strong fourth group of women.
There is more to us girls than big sunglasses and Ugg boots. Find me a store that sells something other than shades with a 5' diameter and then we can talk. Believe it or not, there are girls here with brains under all that peroxide-soaked hair.
Try talking to us rather than just undressing us with your eyes. And please, get the idea out of your head that we are all the same carbon copy girl because we come from Massachusetts, Long Island or New Jersey.
Just because I'm from Jersey does not mean I'm an oopma loompa in training. That's one of those sure-fire ways to cancer. And maybe I think I'm God's gift to the world because I have to deal with guys like you on a daily basis and seek a little personal reward for it. Try tearing your eyes away from whatever manly thing you fill your spare time with, and look between the glaring highlights and low-cut necklines.
There's a considerable population of intelligent, free-thinking, and above all, interesting women on campus who don't wear pink Red Sox hats or pound Jager bombs all night long. And just because I have a great personality, it doesn't mean I'm unattractive and therefore not worth your time, despite what Urban Dictionary says.
Some girls enjoy video games, football and junk food as much as you boys do. But don't take my word for it, I'm just a blond2.
Sincerely,
Danielle Bush '11
This letter confused me. Was this girl angry? Did she agree with me? After all she did say that I made some “accurate commentaries.” Was she auditioning to be the “She Said”? Maybe it was because about 50 people told me about this letter before I had a chance to read it, but I expected it to be much more of a critique of my inflammatory language. I mean, I wrote that I wanted to throw a brick at the faces of stuck up girls from Long Island and all this girl wrote in to complain about was my failure to mention a “small, but strong group of women” at Fairfield? Really?
When people questioned me about this (and just about anybody that remotely knew me seemed to) I told them that it seemed like she agreed with me more than she was upset. I think most people just read the title and assumed that the letter was a sharp, biting criticism. For example, Tim was quick to write “Danielle Bush owns you” on my Facebook wall. He had been hooking up with a lovely girl from Nebraska named Allison for the better part of the year, so I promptly responded by writing “Allison’s bush owns you” on his. Allison, with her olive skin, sleek black hair, and shiny, brown eyes, wasn’t too happy about it, but the joke was too good to pass up.
Speaking of Tim and Allison, we had a friendly wager at the Rec Plex about when the two of them would make their relationship Facebook official. Now I’ll get to the many different levels of college relationships later, but let’s just say that going Facebook official was big deal back in the fall of 2007. One of the two graduate assistants that worked for the Department of Recreation decided it would be fun to chart everyone’s guesses. Obviously I was at a major advantage because I knew Tim the best. I was fairly confident that he would delay making the digital declaration for as long as possible so my plan was to wait until everyone else had made their prediction and then place my guess one day later than the latest guess (there has to be a study on the percentage of times that the person with the highest wager wins on The Price is Right3).
Despite my genius strategy I was forced to make my guess much earlier than I wanted to because of my constant presence at the Rec Plex. Begrudgingly I guessed sometime in early January, which was the latest date on the board by far. A week or so later I noticed that a few people had predicted later dates than me, but my friend Steve-O had perhaps the best guess of all; “Tim is way too college to make their relationship Facebook official.” This statement was 100% accurate, but I was banking on Allison eventually convincing Tim that they should make the jump; however they were still not Facebook official by the time we graduated. In fact, when they finally made the plunge about a year after we got our diplomas I sent out an email to my former Rec Plex comrades and we couldn’t even remember who the winner was.
The following week was Halloween, which was great because it meant that Jackie and I had an obvious topic choice. This left me plenty of time to think of a Halloween costume and based on my performance the year before I needed all the time I could get. I consider myself a moderately creative person, but I certainly didn’t put my best foot forward in ’06.
If you’ll recall during my Junior year I was living in a room with Matty K and Dylan. Matty K, half jock/half geek, was the type of kid that could sit on Google all day long and find countless ways to be entertained. In fact, I think he still does it quite regularly. He ordered his costume about a month in advance and for whatever reason he had decided to be a banana. He spent roughly $60 on the fruity costume and argued that it was an outfit that he could not only wear on Halloween, but also to parties from time to time. Despite his intentions, he only wore it during the week of Halloween that year4. Now I say “during the week of” because Halloween that year was on a Tuesday, which meant that plenty of parties were scheduled for the Friday and Saturday beforehand.
Dylan and I, true to our nature as procrastinators, waited until Friday to even think of what we would be. We started our costume hunt at a local Salvation Army store at 3pm. The thriftiest thrift store had served us well in preparing for theme parties in the past (i.e. our own 80’s party), so we figured that we could find something there. We had no clear costume idea in mind after an hour of browsing, yet we each decided to buy an ugly sweater and a pair of old man pants with the hopes of using them either that night or later on in the year. Our next stop was the mall. We pulled in to an absolute zoo around 4:30 p.m. I swear, every kid aged 5-13 in all of Southwestern Connecticut was there looking for a Halloween costume that day. We went back forth between two costume stores for nearly an hour and almost made a few impulse buys, but we just couldn’t pull the trigger. Dylan almost bought a breathalyzer costume (Matty K, Glancy, Pete, and I got him an actual breathalyzer earlier in the year for his birthday), but he didn’t want to be “that guy” and I almost bought a female Indian outfit, but I wasn’t entirely convinced that 1.) It was worth the $75 that I didn’t have and 2.) I could fit into it.
After deciding that we weren’t going to find what we were looking for at the costume stores we were back to square one and growing more and more restless. As a last ditch effort Dylan suggested that we go to Spencer’s. I was convinced that our costume search was a lost cause, but I figured that it was at least worth a try. After looking through Spencer’s for about 15 minutes I was ready to throw in the towel. Dylan didn’t find a costume either, but he did have an unusual idea.
“Dude, I think we should just go,” I said, “I’m beat and there aren’t any funny costumes in here.”
“Ok, how about this. We wear the old man clothes we got at the Army, but we accessorize.” He emphasized the word accessorize, but not in the way that homosexuals do. In fact, I think Dylan, a country boy from the middle of nowhere Connecticut, was incapable of attempting a gay voice even if it were clearly done in a mocking tone.
“I don’t think I follow. What exactly will we be?”
“Nothing,” he chuckled, “But it’ll be funny.”
“How will it be funny?” I asked in way that inferred how much I wanted to leave, "What will we say to people when they ask what we are?”
“We’ll say, “I’m having a great time. Good party.”
It took me a few seconds before I got it. I then laughed and said, “And we’ll just never answer them?”
“Exactly.”
So accessorize we did. I bought a Freddy Kruger-like hat, a walking staff with a skull on it and an oversized metallic looking chain made of foam. Dylan bought a pimp hat, rock star sunglasses, and a necklace clad with tiny penises.
That night we executed our plan to perfection. Of the people that asked us what we were, most didn’t ask again after we replied with something to the effect of, “Great time. This party is awesome.” Others soon realized that we were in fact nothing. Others, including Tim, got mad when we repeatedly dodged the question. And I have to assume that a bunch of people didn’t bother asking us directly because they 1.) didn’t care or 2.) felt mildly embarrassed that they didn’t know what we were. They must have figured that with all of the accessories that we had on we had to be something and that they just didn’t know what it was. One kid, who Dylan and I hardly knew, thought the idea was so funny (he may also have been coked out of his mind) that he would go on to say, “Great time. Good party,” or something of the sort every time he saw us for the rest of the year.
To no one’s surprise our costumes turned out to be more of a success than Matty K’s banana suit. On Saturday we were headed to a Halloween party on campus and to shorten our walk we decided to cut through a townhouse along the way because we could see that they too were having a party. What we didn’t know was that it was the townhouse where the four African-American males in our grade lived (yes, only four). Now this usually wouldn’t have been a problem as we knew them all (or at least I did-mainly from working at the rec plex), but the lights were off and Matty K’s banana suit looked a lottt like a hooded white sheet. After a momentary scare, the costume was explained and we were on our way to our friends’ party. Sure enough there was someone else there with a banana suit on and Dylan and I wouldn’t let Matty K hear the end of it. As the party dwindled down, Matty K got all sorts of fired up and started throwing full loaves of bread at the other banana.
When Tuesday (the 31st) rolled around I was all set for another night of, “I’m having a great time, awesome party,” until I had a stroke of semi-wittiness in the shower. I decided to go out that night as Dr. Pepper. I would dress up as a doctor while wearing my classic Dr. Pepper t-shirt. I called a nursing major friend of mine who lent me her lab coat and I was all set. It was one of those costumes that people thought was witty for about 0.35 seconds and then they were over it, but I was proud of my idea nonetheless because Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink of all time5.
So, of course, during my senior year I had my sights set a little higher with regard to my costume. In the week leading up to Halloween my roommates and I had intentions of dressing up as a group, but our plan fell through. Greg’s birthday is on Halloween, so he takes his costume pretty seriously, but his group suggestions were horrrrrible. So bad in fact that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he suggested that the four of us go out as a pencil, pen, eraser, and pencil sharpener. It was almost like he just thought of four semi-related things and thought it was a brilliant idea. I ended up going with another idea inspired by one of the t-shirts in my regular rotation and went as Axl Rose, the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. I wore my black Guns N’ Roses t-shirt, tight faded jeans, and a red wig clad with a red bandana that one of Alyssa’s roommates had lying around. As fate would have it, there was someone in the bar that night dressed as Slash (the lead guitarist in Guns N’ Roses), so we took about 283,630 pictures together.
(I couldn't find any with Slash, but this is obviously the next best thing)
While I was crafting my makeshift costume, I was also trying to think outside of the box for my column. Halloween He Said articles in the past had always hinged on the sluttiness of female costumes. Along with the Valentine’s Day columns they were the most anticipated. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that they were obvious topics that the writers agreed on every year. Instead of playing on the same observations that my predecessors had pointed out I decided to change things up a bit and write about the pitfalls of male costumes. I figured that doing so would also give me a little challenge as a writer. I had grown accustomed to pointing out humorous generalizations about female actions, but could I entertain my male readership laugh by pointing out flaws in their costume selections? Of course I could.
The Mirror on October 25th, 2007
Halloween
Halloween was much better when we were kids. For starters, we never had bad costumes because our moms always made sure they looked good. We got free candy and at the time that was the ultimate high. Our parents constantly warned us about creepy old men who gave out candy that wasn’t individually wrapped. And the only reason we got mad was if someone’s lights weren’t on. What’s their deal anyway? Do they hate America?
Fast forward 10-15 years and everything is reversed. Most of our costumes are terrible because it’s up to us to make them look good. We don’t get candy anymore. We consider ourselves lucky if we are able to give some out and who knows if whoever we give it to is actually going to swallow. Girls your parents aren’t around to warn you about whether or not things are wrapped. And now we get pissed when lights are on because it usually means we are getting a ticket for drinking/urinating in public. What’s their deal anyway? Sorry for partying.
Guys we are getting both predictable and unoriginal with our costumes. I’m so sick of seeing the same things every year that I’m going to hand out a Least Creative award. The nominees are:
The Controversial Sports Story Costume: How many Duke Lacrosse players did we see last year? I also saw a juiced up Barry Bonds. A couple years back everyone was a rapist Kobe. For the record, it was consensual sex and don’t let anybody tell you any different. Bet your bottom dollar that a few Michael Vick’s will be walking around with bloody dogs come the 31st6.
“The Dylan Farnum look” or The (Not So) Doug Funnie Look: We all watched Doug on Nickelodeon growing up too. Quailman seems creative, but it’s one of those ideas that 14 other kids will also think of. If you don’t know what I mean by this title than you clearly don’t remember the episode where everyone wore whatever Dylan Farnum, the star of the hit teen drama “Teen Heart Street” wore on TV each week.
The Wanna be Male Strippers: Halloween is for girls to show off their bodies, not guys. No one wants to see Fireman Bob’s bare chest covered only by suspenders. It’s a cold October night, let’s save the hard nipples for Fire girl Betty.
I’ll let you pick your own winner.
1 As if the act wasn’t ostentatious enough Kristen’s dad made Matty K move his car, a green Honda Accord, so that he could take the Maserati out.↩
2 A quick Facebook search revealed that she was not a blonde, nor was she even remotely attractive.↩
3 I told you I’d make another reference to The Price is Right.↩
4 He wore it multiple times in the years that followed, including under/over (hard to say) a Santa Claus suit for Santacon in NYC in December of 2010.↩
5 I like it so much that I refuse to mix it with any alcohol. ↩
6 A kid who lived on my floor during our Freshman year came up to me that week and said, “Thanks for blowing up my spot. I’m going to be Michael Vick for Halloween.”↩
Chapter 7
I was already a minor celebrity (on a very small scale) on campus as the writer of the “He Said”, but this column vaulted my popularity exponentially. Much of this added awareness, though, came as a result of being branded public enemy number one by a significant portion of the female student body. I was no longer fazed by the whispers, looks, and occasional comments, but this particular week things were noticeably different. I could just sense an extra oomph of vitriol spewing from female onlookers as I paraded around campus. I received looks of disgust, death stares, and even a “Don’t fucking touch me,” as I politely tried to slither my way through a crowded house party. I took all of this negative attention in stride because (well for one, any press is good press) the feedback I received from my column all year was overwhelmingly positive.
Most people that dished out complimentary comments also requested a shout out in a future column, though. It never got to the level where I was annoyed by it, but seemingly every guy and girl I knew wanted me to name drop them in some capacity. My go to response was, “I’ll see what I can do,” but I knew that if I was going to mention anyone by name it would only be a handful of my closest friends and I would need a real good reason to do it. Sure I wrote about my friends and their experiences, but I rarely used their names. Oftentimes I even deliberately chose to hold back information so that they wouldn’t know or think that I was referring to them. For example, if Kristen didn’t go to Kyle’s house for Columbus Day Weekend I probably would have held back much of what I said about rich girls from Long Island. Kristen’s dad was the CEO of some financial firm and he had more money than I will probably ever see in my lifetime. When I went to her house/castle the previous summer with Matty K, Kristen’s dad flaunted his wealth by taking his Maserati out from one of his many garages just to show it off1. Because I no longer cared as much about unintentionally pissing off Kristen (I honestly didn’t even have her in mind at all) I was able to incorporate another zinger into my column.
As convenient as it would be I cannot plead ignorance when it comes to the backlash that this column provoked. As much as I knew that my male readers were going to love it, I also knew that everyone on campus that had to sit down to pee was going to be a little perturbed by it. In fact, the following week The Mirror ran this letter to the editor and titled it, “Silencing Stanczyk”:
To the Editor:
I can look past the Columbus Day Weekend bashing and even the wild assumptions and generalizations of Dan Stanczyk's enthralling 'He Said' column, but this week had me particularly fired up.
Although he makes some accurate commentaries on the female population here at Fairfield, he falls short at not being able to recognize the small yet strong fourth group of women.
There is more to us girls than big sunglasses and Ugg boots. Find me a store that sells something other than shades with a 5' diameter and then we can talk. Believe it or not, there are girls here with brains under all that peroxide-soaked hair.
Try talking to us rather than just undressing us with your eyes. And please, get the idea out of your head that we are all the same carbon copy girl because we come from Massachusetts, Long Island or New Jersey.
Just because I'm from Jersey does not mean I'm an oopma loompa in training. That's one of those sure-fire ways to cancer. And maybe I think I'm God's gift to the world because I have to deal with guys like you on a daily basis and seek a little personal reward for it. Try tearing your eyes away from whatever manly thing you fill your spare time with, and look between the glaring highlights and low-cut necklines.
There's a considerable population of intelligent, free-thinking, and above all, interesting women on campus who don't wear pink Red Sox hats or pound Jager bombs all night long. And just because I have a great personality, it doesn't mean I'm unattractive and therefore not worth your time, despite what Urban Dictionary says.
Some girls enjoy video games, football and junk food as much as you boys do. But don't take my word for it, I'm just a blond2.
Sincerely,
Danielle Bush '11
This letter confused me. Was this girl angry? Did she agree with me? After all she did say that I made some “accurate commentaries.” Was she auditioning to be the “She Said”? Maybe it was because about 50 people told me about this letter before I had a chance to read it, but I expected it to be much more of a critique of my inflammatory language. I mean, I wrote that I wanted to throw a brick at the faces of stuck up girls from Long Island and all this girl wrote in to complain about was my failure to mention a “small, but strong group of women” at Fairfield? Really?
When people questioned me about this (and just about anybody that remotely knew me seemed to) I told them that it seemed like she agreed with me more than she was upset. I think most people just read the title and assumed that the letter was a sharp, biting criticism. For example, Tim was quick to write “Danielle Bush owns you” on my Facebook wall. He had been hooking up with a lovely girl from Nebraska named Allison for the better part of the year, so I promptly responded by writing “Allison’s bush owns you” on his. Allison, with her olive skin, sleek black hair, and shiny, brown eyes, wasn’t too happy about it, but the joke was too good to pass up.
Speaking of Tim and Allison, we had a friendly wager at the Rec Plex about when the two of them would make their relationship Facebook official. Now I’ll get to the many different levels of college relationships later, but let’s just say that going Facebook official was big deal back in the fall of 2007. One of the two graduate assistants that worked for the Department of Recreation decided it would be fun to chart everyone’s guesses. Obviously I was at a major advantage because I knew Tim the best. I was fairly confident that he would delay making the digital declaration for as long as possible so my plan was to wait until everyone else had made their prediction and then place my guess one day later than the latest guess (there has to be a study on the percentage of times that the person with the highest wager wins on The Price is Right3).
Despite my genius strategy I was forced to make my guess much earlier than I wanted to because of my constant presence at the Rec Plex. Begrudgingly I guessed sometime in early January, which was the latest date on the board by far. A week or so later I noticed that a few people had predicted later dates than me, but my friend Steve-O had perhaps the best guess of all; “Tim is way too college to make their relationship Facebook official.” This statement was 100% accurate, but I was banking on Allison eventually convincing Tim that they should make the jump; however they were still not Facebook official by the time we graduated. In fact, when they finally made the plunge about a year after we got our diplomas I sent out an email to my former Rec Plex comrades and we couldn’t even remember who the winner was.
The following week was Halloween, which was great because it meant that Jackie and I had an obvious topic choice. This left me plenty of time to think of a Halloween costume and based on my performance the year before I needed all the time I could get. I consider myself a moderately creative person, but I certainly didn’t put my best foot forward in ’06.
If you’ll recall during my Junior year I was living in a room with Matty K and Dylan. Matty K, half jock/half geek, was the type of kid that could sit on Google all day long and find countless ways to be entertained. In fact, I think he still does it quite regularly. He ordered his costume about a month in advance and for whatever reason he had decided to be a banana. He spent roughly $60 on the fruity costume and argued that it was an outfit that he could not only wear on Halloween, but also to parties from time to time. Despite his intentions, he only wore it during the week of Halloween that year4. Now I say “during the week of” because Halloween that year was on a Tuesday, which meant that plenty of parties were scheduled for the Friday and Saturday beforehand.
Dylan and I, true to our nature as procrastinators, waited until Friday to even think of what we would be. We started our costume hunt at a local Salvation Army store at 3pm. The thriftiest thrift store had served us well in preparing for theme parties in the past (i.e. our own 80’s party), so we figured that we could find something there. We had no clear costume idea in mind after an hour of browsing, yet we each decided to buy an ugly sweater and a pair of old man pants with the hopes of using them either that night or later on in the year. Our next stop was the mall. We pulled in to an absolute zoo around 4:30 p.m. I swear, every kid aged 5-13 in all of Southwestern Connecticut was there looking for a Halloween costume that day. We went back forth between two costume stores for nearly an hour and almost made a few impulse buys, but we just couldn’t pull the trigger. Dylan almost bought a breathalyzer costume (Matty K, Glancy, Pete, and I got him an actual breathalyzer earlier in the year for his birthday), but he didn’t want to be “that guy” and I almost bought a female Indian outfit, but I wasn’t entirely convinced that 1.) It was worth the $75 that I didn’t have and 2.) I could fit into it.
After deciding that we weren’t going to find what we were looking for at the costume stores we were back to square one and growing more and more restless. As a last ditch effort Dylan suggested that we go to Spencer’s. I was convinced that our costume search was a lost cause, but I figured that it was at least worth a try. After looking through Spencer’s for about 15 minutes I was ready to throw in the towel. Dylan didn’t find a costume either, but he did have an unusual idea.
“Dude, I think we should just go,” I said, “I’m beat and there aren’t any funny costumes in here.”
“Ok, how about this. We wear the old man clothes we got at the Army, but we accessorize.” He emphasized the word accessorize, but not in the way that homosexuals do. In fact, I think Dylan, a country boy from the middle of nowhere Connecticut, was incapable of attempting a gay voice even if it were clearly done in a mocking tone.
“I don’t think I follow. What exactly will we be?”
“Nothing,” he chuckled, “But it’ll be funny.”
“How will it be funny?” I asked in way that inferred how much I wanted to leave, "What will we say to people when they ask what we are?”
“We’ll say, “I’m having a great time. Good party.”
It took me a few seconds before I got it. I then laughed and said, “And we’ll just never answer them?”
“Exactly.”
So accessorize we did. I bought a Freddy Kruger-like hat, a walking staff with a skull on it and an oversized metallic looking chain made of foam. Dylan bought a pimp hat, rock star sunglasses, and a necklace clad with tiny penises.
That night we executed our plan to perfection. Of the people that asked us what we were, most didn’t ask again after we replied with something to the effect of, “Great time. This party is awesome.” Others soon realized that we were in fact nothing. Others, including Tim, got mad when we repeatedly dodged the question. And I have to assume that a bunch of people didn’t bother asking us directly because they 1.) didn’t care or 2.) felt mildly embarrassed that they didn’t know what we were. They must have figured that with all of the accessories that we had on we had to be something and that they just didn’t know what it was. One kid, who Dylan and I hardly knew, thought the idea was so funny (he may also have been coked out of his mind) that he would go on to say, “Great time. Good party,” or something of the sort every time he saw us for the rest of the year.
To no one’s surprise our costumes turned out to be more of a success than Matty K’s banana suit. On Saturday we were headed to a Halloween party on campus and to shorten our walk we decided to cut through a townhouse along the way because we could see that they too were having a party. What we didn’t know was that it was the townhouse where the four African-American males in our grade lived (yes, only four). Now this usually wouldn’t have been a problem as we knew them all (or at least I did-mainly from working at the rec plex), but the lights were off and Matty K’s banana suit looked a lottt like a hooded white sheet. After a momentary scare, the costume was explained and we were on our way to our friends’ party. Sure enough there was someone else there with a banana suit on and Dylan and I wouldn’t let Matty K hear the end of it. As the party dwindled down, Matty K got all sorts of fired up and started throwing full loaves of bread at the other banana.
When Tuesday (the 31st) rolled around I was all set for another night of, “I’m having a great time, awesome party,” until I had a stroke of semi-wittiness in the shower. I decided to go out that night as Dr. Pepper. I would dress up as a doctor while wearing my classic Dr. Pepper t-shirt. I called a nursing major friend of mine who lent me her lab coat and I was all set. It was one of those costumes that people thought was witty for about 0.35 seconds and then they were over it, but I was proud of my idea nonetheless because Dr. Pepper is my favorite drink of all time5.
So, of course, during my senior year I had my sights set a little higher with regard to my costume. In the week leading up to Halloween my roommates and I had intentions of dressing up as a group, but our plan fell through. Greg’s birthday is on Halloween, so he takes his costume pretty seriously, but his group suggestions were horrrrrible. So bad in fact that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he suggested that the four of us go out as a pencil, pen, eraser, and pencil sharpener. It was almost like he just thought of four semi-related things and thought it was a brilliant idea. I ended up going with another idea inspired by one of the t-shirts in my regular rotation and went as Axl Rose, the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. I wore my black Guns N’ Roses t-shirt, tight faded jeans, and a red wig clad with a red bandana that one of Alyssa’s roommates had lying around. As fate would have it, there was someone in the bar that night dressed as Slash (the lead guitarist in Guns N’ Roses), so we took about 283,630 pictures together.
(I couldn't find any with Slash, but this is obviously the next best thing)
While I was crafting my makeshift costume, I was also trying to think outside of the box for my column. Halloween He Said articles in the past had always hinged on the sluttiness of female costumes. Along with the Valentine’s Day columns they were the most anticipated. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that they were obvious topics that the writers agreed on every year. Instead of playing on the same observations that my predecessors had pointed out I decided to change things up a bit and write about the pitfalls of male costumes. I figured that doing so would also give me a little challenge as a writer. I had grown accustomed to pointing out humorous generalizations about female actions, but could I entertain my male readership laugh by pointing out flaws in their costume selections? Of course I could.
The Mirror on October 25th, 2007
Halloween
Halloween was much better when we were kids. For starters, we never had bad costumes because our moms always made sure they looked good. We got free candy and at the time that was the ultimate high. Our parents constantly warned us about creepy old men who gave out candy that wasn’t individually wrapped. And the only reason we got mad was if someone’s lights weren’t on. What’s their deal anyway? Do they hate America?
Fast forward 10-15 years and everything is reversed. Most of our costumes are terrible because it’s up to us to make them look good. We don’t get candy anymore. We consider ourselves lucky if we are able to give some out and who knows if whoever we give it to is actually going to swallow. Girls your parents aren’t around to warn you about whether or not things are wrapped. And now we get pissed when lights are on because it usually means we are getting a ticket for drinking/urinating in public. What’s their deal anyway? Sorry for partying.
Guys we are getting both predictable and unoriginal with our costumes. I’m so sick of seeing the same things every year that I’m going to hand out a Least Creative award. The nominees are:
The Controversial Sports Story Costume: How many Duke Lacrosse players did we see last year? I also saw a juiced up Barry Bonds. A couple years back everyone was a rapist Kobe. For the record, it was consensual sex and don’t let anybody tell you any different. Bet your bottom dollar that a few Michael Vick’s will be walking around with bloody dogs come the 31st6.
“The Dylan Farnum look” or The (Not So) Doug Funnie Look: We all watched Doug on Nickelodeon growing up too. Quailman seems creative, but it’s one of those ideas that 14 other kids will also think of. If you don’t know what I mean by this title than you clearly don’t remember the episode where everyone wore whatever Dylan Farnum, the star of the hit teen drama “Teen Heart Street” wore on TV each week.
The Wanna be Male Strippers: Halloween is for girls to show off their bodies, not guys. No one wants to see Fireman Bob’s bare chest covered only by suspenders. It’s a cold October night, let’s save the hard nipples for Fire girl Betty.
I’ll let you pick your own winner.
1 As if the act wasn’t ostentatious enough Kristen’s dad made Matty K move his car, a green Honda Accord, so that he could take the Maserati out.↩
2 A quick Facebook search revealed that she was not a blonde, nor was she even remotely attractive.↩
3 I told you I’d make another reference to The Price is Right.↩
4 He wore it multiple times in the years that followed, including under/over (hard to say) a Santa Claus suit for Santacon in NYC in December of 2010.↩
5 I like it so much that I refuse to mix it with any alcohol. ↩
6 A kid who lived on my floor during our Freshman year came up to me that week and said, “Thanks for blowing up my spot. I’m going to be Michael Vick for Halloween.”↩
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