Tool or No Tool

This Monday The Dan LeBatard Show debuted on ESPN Radio (4-7pm ET). LeBatard has long been a well known member of the sports media (he hosts a TV show with his father weekdays on ESPN), but until Monday I had never heard him host a radio show. He’s wildly eccentric, self-deprecating, and apt to go off on tangents, but I’m already a big fan. In one of the first segments I heard he and his co-host who goes by the name Stugotz played a game with Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill. It was called Tool or No Tool. LeBatard and Stugotz rattled off a bunch of things that people say and do and Tannehill had to decide if the performer of the act in question was a tool or not a tool. I’ve borrowed a bunch of theirs and added a few of my own below.

The game reminded me of when I first started working at ESPN. A high school friend asked me if Josh Elliot, at that time an anchor of the 10am SportsCenter, was cocky cool or cocky tool. I had never heard the term before, but immediately knew what it meant. With that said, let’s start Tool or No Tool there.

Josh Elliot (who now works for ABC on Good Morning America)? No tool. There’s an air of smugness about him, but I think he’s a cool dude.

Asking for a re-tweet? Tool. I will never understand this. Even if a celebrity is dumb enough to re-tweet you all that their followers will see if how pathetic you are by asking for a re-tweet.

Wearing jeans and sandals? Tool. Unless you’re a country singer.

Selfies? Tool. I’ve never stooped that low, but my cousin who will not be named has incorporated selfies into his life in an interesting way. He uses them as stakes for bets. For example, we have a bet about whether or not I can eat two pizzas from a particular restaurant in one sitting (I definitely can) and the loser has to post a selfie on Instagram. The winner gets to write the caption.

Ordering a salad at a restaurant? No tool. Had you asked me a year ago my answer probably would have been different, but in today’s day and age this is definitely a legitimate move (even if you’re with a group of guys).

Making jokes about the government shutdown? Tool. They’ve been incessant since it began.

Tweeting about things that happen on Jeopardy? Tool. Guilty as charged, but I still contend that there’s always a contestant who thinks that they are awesome at the categories in which a word or a few letters are in quotes.

Watching Jeopardy? No tool. I actually watched an entire episode while at work this week with my headphones on.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterback Jeff Tuel? Tool.

Posting a picture of your car on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram for any reason? Tool. I got a new car on Monday and have been fighting the slight urge ever since, but I can’t see any positives to doing so.

Having a go-to order at Starbucks? Tool. Grande skinny vanilla latte. I disgust myself.

Growing a playoff beard for the Major League Baseball post season? Tool. This is a hockey thing. Any other attempt pales in comparison. That said, I did shave today in preparation to work every day for the next month on the Major League Baseball post season.

Twitter arguments? Tool. I’ve never done it, but I’m usually quite entertained when two celebrities get into it in the social space (unless it’s the made up feud between Kevin Durant and Dwyane Wade).

British accents? No tool. I’m all about them. I also marvel at the way that British actors develop an American accent. In a related note, Daniel Radcliffe (better known as Harry Potter) was a guest on The Colbert Report last night and was hysterical.

Listening to podcasts? No tool. They are actually pretty good for long runs/workouts. There are also so many of them that it’s hard to not find a topic that interests you.