Doggie Style

As we get older and more seriously begin to look for potential mates, projecting the type of parent that someone will become becomes more and more of a factor. At some point in any long term relationship (and I don't know when because it all depends on the couple in question) the prospect of having children has to be considered. Our biological purpose, at it's core anyway, is to reproduce. To advance the human race forward. Having children is also our way of sticking around long after we're gone. Parents impart their offspring with not only their genes, but also with their mannerisms (nature and nurture).

Sometimes it's hard to predict what type of parent someone will be because parenting is something that no one can ever be totally prepared for, but I think that owning a dog is actually a pretty good barometer. In my opinion (and I could be totally off base), the way an owner treats their dog can be very telling. The way they teach/discipline their dog is most likely the way that they will teach/discipline their children.



I'm not trying to equate the two because obviously there is a huge difference between owning a dog and raising a child, but I'm convinced that there is at least some sort of correlation. I would go as far as to say that owning a dog in your 20s is a good warm up for parenthood.

The point being- if you like the way someone treats their dog, you'll probably like the way they treat their future children.

The similarities, to me anyway, are striking. Let's start with the basics. Whether you are the owner of a young puppy or the parent of a newborn child you are responsible for another life. Without your care and support the newborn would inevitably fail to survive. Sure dogs have survival instincts, but they've become so domesticated that I doubt that a young pup could last a week on the streets.

Caring for and supporting this other life means that you are responsible for giving it a home. Just like you would put a baby in a crib, many dog owners now put their canines in kennels or at least give them a pad/pillow to sleep on.

Along with shelter, puppies/babies are also reliant on their owner/parents for the nutrients that they need in order to grow and remain healthy. I know we're still early in my comparision here, but it should come as no surprise that dogs/babies eat specialized food that you can easily find at your local supermarket.

Again whether you are the owner of a young puppy or the parent of a young child, you soon find out that that food quickly turns into poop. Surely dogs need to be taught to go to the bathroom outside before children need to be taught to use the toilet because dogs don't wear diapers (although I'm sure the product exists), but nonetheless both need to be trained in this fine art. Logic would dictate that if you can teach a dog to do their business outdoors than surely you can teach a child to use a toilet.

Which brings us to teaching style. As far as I know, both dogs and children are students of the same method; reward/punishment. Just like it's name indicates this school of thought rewards proper behavior and punishes improper behavior. For example, if a child cleans up their room a parent rewards them with a cookie. Similarly if a dog barks when they hear the word, "Speak!" their owner rewards them with a bone. Oftentimes the "punishment" is the lack of the cookie/bone, but in other situations it is different. For example, if a child hits their sibling their parent punishes them by making them stand in the corner for an indeterminant period of time ("Until I say so"). Likewise if a dog poops all over the house/apartment an owner punishes them by locking them in their kennel for an indeterminant period of time (Until I remember).

Before I forget, here's an article that I linked to about a year ago that pokes fun at young dog owners. I still think it's funny, but I obviously also have great respect for people my age that are responsible enough to care for a dog.

The major difference when it comes to teaching is that parents are largely responsible for teaching their children values whereas the teaching done by dog owners usually falls into the "tricks" department. Even so, just like children move on to grade school, some dogs further their education by enrolling in obedience school.

The more their child/dog learns the more parents/dog owners show them off. Whether it be pictures, math problems, or tricks their child/dog is always on display. "Come see the baby." "Check out this new trick I taught Butch." More often than not they also think that their child/dog is the cutest, smartest, funniest, etc.

Comedian Demetri Martin summed up this notion quite well on a promo for his show, "Important Things with Demetri Martin" by showing a bar graph that looked something like this.



Parents/dog owners know that no one loves their child/pet as much as they do, but at some point they have to trust someone enough to care for their loved one when they are unable to. In this respect, dog sitters are becoming increasingly as important as baby sitters. I'd even go as far as to say that I think the screening process for dog sitters is a bit more rigorous than it is for babysitters.

Lastly, this matter of trust soon shifts from the third party (the baby/dog sitter) to the child/dog. Trusting a dog is when you can leave it alone to roam the house or when you no longer need a leash when you take it for a walk. Trusting a child is when you let go of the proverbial leash (I was due for a really bad pun) and leave them in the house without a babysitter. Once this level of trust is reached, the majority of the work for the parent/dog owner is over.


While I've highlighted a few of what I consider to be the most relevant similarities between being a parent and being a dog owner, here are a few more.

-Parents and dog owners both think long and hard about giving their child/pet a name. They then usually also develop a nickname for their child/pet.
-Parents and dog owners both organize play dates for their child/pet.
-Parents and dog owners both shower their child/pet with gifts on Christmas and birthdays.
-Parents and dog owners both have to clean up the toys (and poop for dog owners) that their child/pet leaves around the house.
-Parents and dog owners both talk to their young child/young puppy in an annoying, yet distinct language (babyspeak/dogspeak).
-Parents and dog owners both try to hide medicine in their child/pet's food.
-Whereas fathers and their children bond by playing catch, owners and their dogs bond by playing fetch.

While we're on the topic, here's a quick shoutout to the dogs that I've come to know, or know about, over the years (some are in Doggie Heaven): Casey, Shannon, Marcus, Rosie, Annie, Knuckles, Tyson, Toby, Max, Reese, Shadow, Lily, Champ, Trixie, Tucker, Bailey, Gimli, Frank, Milo, Maggie, Tully, and Jasper.

Top 10 Love Songs

Instead of writing about the phoniness (now that J.D. Salinger is dead that word is fair game, right?) of Valentine's day, I instead decided to embrace it. Sure I still think it's a chocolate-infested, fake holiday for couples who need a day on the calendar to act like they are romantic (as I wrote back in 2008), but what's wrong with celebrating love, even if it's commercialized?

Here are my Top 10 Love Songs:

(I've delibrately left off any of the songs that I included in my Guilty Pleasures post last June.)


10.) K-Ci and JoJo- All My Life (1998)

For everyone that swings and misses at these lyrics everytime they hear the song (and it's all of us), here they are.

Girl you are
Close to me you're like my mother
Close to me you're like my father
Close to me you're like my sister
Close to me you're like my brother
You are the only one my everything and for you this song I sing


9.) Journey- Open Arms (1982)

Journey's signature hit nowadays might be "Don't Stop Believin'", but "Open Arms" was without a doubt their most successful single. It reached #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and remained there for 6 consecutive weeks. Two of my other favorite 80's songs ("Centerfold" by The J. Geils Band for the first three weeks and "I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett for the second three) kept it out of the top spot.

Of all the 80's hair bands, Journey was perhaps the most successful when it came to the power ballad and "Open Arms" was their best. In fact, on VH1's countdown of the Greatest 25 Power Ballads it was listed as #1.


8.) Edwin McCain- I’ll Be (1998)

Although this is probably the sappiest song on the list, McCain gets major bonus points for being a long time touring friend of Hootie and the Blowfish. "I'll Be" peaked at #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1998.

McCain also released another relatively famous love song, titled "I Could Not Ask for More", in 1999. I actually know a couple that got married last summer and chose this song to be their wedding song. Speaking of which, I should stipulate that even though the songs on this list are about love in some capacity, few of them would make great wedding songs. In fact, I have an entirely different list for that.


7.) Mr. Big- To Be with You (1991)

Nope not him, although speaking of which, I'd like to take this opportunity to politely state that I am not a fan of Sarah Jessica Parker. There's just something about her that annoys me. Also, I've long heard that Sex in the City is the female Seinfeld, but I never hear anyone reference the show. Now maybe that's because I don't get the references having never seen an episode or because I'm not around anyone that ever has. Either way, I don't think the shows should ever be mentioned in the same breath again.

Anyway, this song was so successful that it made it all the way to #1 on Billboard Hot 100 chart. And speaking of love songs, the song it replaced at the top of the chart was..... “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred


6.) Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight (1978)

Not only was this the song of my Junior Prom, but it also has quite the back story. Clapton wrote the song about Pattie Boyd, an English model and photogrpaher, who was married to Beatles guitarist George Harrison from 1966-1977.



Clapton became close friends with Harrison in the late 60's and the two began writing songs together. It was at this point that Clapton fell in love with Boyd. Shortly thereafter, Clapton also fell in love with Boyd's 17-year-old sister, Paula, who ended up moving in with him. Paula left Clapton when she heard "Layla" because it affirmed her long running suspicion that Clapton had been using her as a substitute for her sister.

Once Boyd's marriage with Harrison fell apart, Clapton swooped in. After denying Clapton's persistent advances during the early 70's, Boyd finally gave in and married him in 1979. Now you'd think that Clapton would be content with finally attaining the woman that he was virtually obsessed with for the better part of a decade, but he wasn't. Apparently he was all about the chase because in the course of his marriage to Boyd (1979-1988) he fathered two children out of wedlock (each with a different woman). Boyd knew about one of them, a boy named Conor who tragically died at the age of 5 by falling out of the window of a 53rd-floor apartment in NYC, but didn't find out about the other, a daughter named Ruth, until two years after she divorced him.

In 2007 Boyd wrote an autobiography titled, “Wonderful Tonight: George Harrison, Eric Clapton, and Me."


5.) Peter Gabriel- In Your Eyes (1986)

This song has become symbolic of love because of it's use in the Cameron Crowe film Say Anything (1989), which starred John Cusack. The iconic image of Cusack serenading Diane Court (played by Ione Skye) by hoisting a boombox over his head with this song playing has become representative of teenage romance.



The scene was referenced/parodied on a recent episode of ABC's Modern Family. (20:57 to 21:37)


4.) REO Speedwagon- Keep On Loving You (1981)



This classic love song/power ballad reached the #1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100 chart for one week in March of 1981. It was also the 17th video played on the debut of MTV on August 1st, 1981.

I also enjoy another REO Speedwagon ballad, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”, especially because of its use in Not Another Teen Movie (2001). "Can't Fight This Feeling" is the song they play everytime the Jennifer Love Hewitt character Amanda Becker (played by Lacey Chabert) appears on screen. If you've seen the movie then you know that when she appears on screen everyone around her stops and stares until she moves.

3.) Lonestar- Amazed (1999)



I've long contended that Country songs tell the best stories. This song proves that the Country genre can also hang when it comes to songs about love. "Amazed" was #1 on the Billboard Hot Country Singles & Tracks Chart for a record 8 consecutive weeks. The record of 8 weeks at #1 has been tied only once (by It's Five O'Clock Somewhere by Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet in 2003) although that streak was not in consecutive weeks.


2.) Peter Frampton- Baby I Love Your Way (1975)



This song was first featured on Frampton's 1975 album Frampton, but a live version from his 1976 album Frampton Comes Alive! sparked it's popularity. The song peaked at #12 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.

I became a fan of this song mainly because of the 1994 cover by American reggae band Big Mountain. Don't ask me why, but their cover and Jimmy Cliff's cover of Johnny Nash's song "I Can See Clearly" were my two favorite songs from age 7-10. Big Mountain's cover of "Baby I Love Your Way" reached #6 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and Jimmy Cliff's cover of "I Can See Clearly", which was featured on the Cool Runnings (1993) soundtrack, reached #18.

Fun fact- In the third season episode of Family Guy, "Death Lives", Peter reveals that "Baby I Love Your Way" is his and Lois's song, and Frampton guest stars as himself and sings it.


1.) Foreigner- I Want to Know What Love Is (1984)



Foreigner's most successful single reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1984 and remains a staple of adult contemporary radio stations to this day. "I Want to Know What Love Is" comes in at #57 on VH1's 2002 countdown of the Greatest Love Songs, but to me it's easily #1. It's slow, yes, but it's also poignant. There's a certain feeling of longing that connects with the listener.

Mariah Carey covered the song in 2009 and Foreigner lead guitarist Mick Jones (who wrote the song) had this to say about it:

"I think she's actually retained the integrity of the song. You know, the arrangement is very similar to the original. They haven't tampered with the song too much. She's captured a certain emotional thing, a feeling."

What is the greatest television game show of all time?

As I recently mentioned, I record Jeopardy! every night. When I have some down time I run through multiple episodes and keep track of how many questions/answers I get right. The plan is to keep track of my results for the entire calendar year (a spreadsheet is in the works) to gauge whether or not I show any sort of improvement. Two weeks ago I participated in the online Jeopardy! test and I actually think that I did pretty well. The test consisted of 50 questions (each of which you had 15 seconds to answer). The questions are obviously meant to test your base of knowledge so they come from a wide array of subjects. Think Shakespeare, composers, world capitals, European monarchs, rivers, current events, etc.

My main problems with the online test are that they 1.) don't give you your results and 2.) don't tell you how many questions that you need to get right in order to pass. What they do is contact a random sample of people that pass the test and invite them to Round 2 of the testing process. This too is troublesome because, in theory, you could ace the test and still not be picked because they only select a random sample of the people that passed. Even though the application process is flawed I have faith that one day I will recieve an email/phone call inviting me to Round 2, which consists of another 50 question test, a mock Jeopardy! round (buzzer and all), and a personality interview.

Well now that you know that I am going to continue to hone my Jeopardy! skills, here are 10 tidbits about the show:

1. The original name of the show was What’s the Question? After pitching it to the network brass, Merv Griffin decided to change the name to the catchier one we know today. The reason? One of the execs thought that the game was a great idea, but that the game needed more jeopardies. NBC ended up buying the show without even seeing a pilot.

2. One of the most popular Final Jeopardy wagers (everything but a dollar) was first done successfuly by Air Force Lt. Col. Daryl Scott. As popular as the move is on Jeopardy!, the $1 wager is much more of a The Price is Right thing, right? By the way, the question/answer wasn't even that difficult.



3. The infamous Final Jeopardy music has a name – it’s called “Time for Tony” and it was written by Merv Griffin as a lullaby for his son. If you’re familiar with the song, no doubt it’s not much of a lullaby to you – it serves more as a reminder that time is running out and you’d better hurry. It was tweaked a little bit and renamed “Think!” Over the years, Griffin estimated that royalties from the theme song earned him roughly $70 million.

4. The record for the largest one-day total ever belongs to Ken Jennings, of course.



He’s the only contestant to surpass $52,000 in one day, and he surpassed it by a landslide with $75,000. Jennings actually holds 11 of the top 15 earnings spots. One of these top 15 spots was actually earned during Jeopardy! Kids Week by a 12-year-old from Virginia named Kunle Demuren, whose knowledge and quick buzzer finger earned him $49,000.

5. Back in the pre-Trebek era when Art Fleming was the host, contestants could start the audition process by just giving the office in New York a call. They would pass preliminary tests over the phone and then set up a date and time to audition in person if the were eligible. Once they made it to the actual office, potential contestants went through a written test and a faux game. These days, the audition process often starts on the internet during designated testing times. Sometimes a “Brain Bus” also roams the country and tests Ken Jennings-wannabes.

6. In the show’s entire history, a three-way tie has only happened once. It happened fairly recently too – on March 16, 2007, every single contestant ended Final Jeopardy with $16,000. Alex Trebek seems quite pleased.



7. “I Lost on Jeopardy” was released by Weird Al Yankovic in 1984. Original host Art Fleming has a cameo as himself and original announcer Don Pardo shows up to tell Yankovic all of the fabulous prizes he failed to win. The funny thing is, Weird Al was actually on Rock & Roll Jeopardy and lost to Gary Dell’Abate, better known as Howard Stern’s sidekick Baba Booey.

8. If Alex Trebek seems a little condescending when he corrects players with wrong answers, as if he would know the answers himself, well… he just might. Trebek is pretty brainy, although Time magazine once asked him how he thinks he would perform if he were a contestant and he didn't seem too confident.

"If I were in a contest against my peers--senior citizens--I would probably do fairly well. In a regular game, a good 30-year-old would clean my clock. As you age, your reflexes tend to slow down. So against the younger contestants, Bye-bye, Alex. You're gone. Take home the consolation prizes."

Read more of that interview at Time.

9.) Alex Trebek famously shaved his mustache way back in the fall of 2001 (I know, it seems like it was just yesterday).



10.) Here is a review of former Jeopardy! Champion Bob Harris' memoir titled, "Prisoner of Trebekistan".



Although my birthday is coming up (It literally just dawned on me that it's a little more than a month away), I've already read this telling, insightful work.



Thanks to the K Man in Valhalla, NY for this link, which gave me most of the information for this post.

"Am I right or am I right?"

The following article, titled, "Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Am I right?", was written three days ago by my one and only celebrity Facebook friend...World Series of Pop Culture winner Victor Lee. I searched high and low for his dominance on VH1's greatest show ever, but all I could find was him going toe to toe with famed Jeopardy! contestant Ken Jennings on a show called Grand Slam.


Dear Weather Channel Executives,

I noticed that you've recently decided to abandon your core principles of being a channel to provide information about the weather and decided to occasionally air feature films tangentially related to the weather (Perfect Storm and Twister I understand, but Deep Blue Sea...really? Are you just counting any movie that shows the weather on screen?). I personally don't really have a huge beef with this new programming direction, since I don't really watch the Weather Channel. For years, I always found the Weather Channel to be one of the more needlessly roundabout ways to get information about the weather. It seemed like every time I flipped over to see what the local weather was like I'd be getting the five day outlook for Duluth, MN or Scottsdale, AZ. I've always found it far quicker and easier to just check the internet, the paper, the local news, or even the nearest window.

Also, it seems like it's the general trend of current cable channels to be compromising their original narrow programming objectives. MTV and VH1 hardly show any music videos, ESPN started making their own made-for-tv films, Bravo and A&E used to be about the arts and culture, and the only thing I'm "learning" on TLC is what the current lowest common denominator is for reality programming. So, really I can't fault the Weather Channel for merely trying to stay relevant in this shifting cable landscape. I figure in a few decades all cable television will just be slightly different flavors of TNT/TBS.

With that said, I have a dynamite idea for your channel that I'm willing to give away free of charge. Seeing as how today is Groundhog Day, the premier (and so far only) holiday devoted to weather forecasting, the Weather Channel would benefit greatly by capitalizing on this massive promotional opportunity. Given this and your recent decision to show movies, I think you know where I'm going with this: 24 hours of "Groundhog Day" marathon!

Frankly, I'm shocked that this hasn't happened already. It's an absolutely perfect synergy of weather forecasting and weather entertainment. TBS's decision to run 24 hours of "A Christmas Story" each year has become an undeniable hit and has now firmly entrenched itself as a holiday television tradition in its own right along with airings of "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve and "The 10 Commandments" on Easter. For the small price of obtaining the rights to "Groundhog Day", the Weather Channel can gain that valuable, long lasting cultural cache. In addition, if you think about it, given the unique narrative structure of "Groundhog Day", a repetitive marathon is more than apt.

I understand that this is the first year Weather Channel is showing movies so the missing of this golden opportunity is somewhat forgivable. However the channel should not find themselves on Groundhogs Day 2011 repeating this mistake. They should immediately set out on obtaining the rights, lest some other rival network like USA or TBS or maybe even SpikeTV comes in and steals your thunder and leaves the Weather Channel out in the cold (dig those weather puns I threw in there?)

Sincerely,

Victor



P.S. I am on a Facebook hot streak right now. Two great blog ideas in as many days. Things like this come in 3's though, right?

Commercial Appeal (Part 2)

Speaking of commercials, this is the new Facebook profile picture of my friend Mike's little brother Richie. Joining him in the picture is his girlfriend (whom I mentioned in my Hot or Not post because she has a little Hilary Swank thing going on) and a cold Bud Light.

Take notice of the comments below. The second comment was made by the girlfriend and the last comment was made by Richie.




A phenomenal reference to this commercial:



The best part is that Richie is an absolute boozebag and I have no doubt that if put in that position (well at least if he was asked the question) he would go with the beer everytime.

Commercial Appeal

Like most people, I'm no fan of commercials. I mean, most fail to resonate with the viewer in any way (good or bad) and are just accepted for their intended purpose. Some, however, are just unbearably irritating for a multitude of reasons. Others appear witty and creative at first, but soon become bothersome upon multiple views (think of that recent Taco Bell ad where a man requests to order from the same girl, who's a smokehouse by the way, in order to ensure that he get's the same price). And every now and again a genuinely enjoyable commercial repeatedly airs and you don't mind watching it.

Which brings us to my favorite and least favorite current commercials. I would also like to point out that I searched the internet high and low and could not find either commercial online, but if you watch television at all I'm sure that you have seen these two ads.

I never thought I'd see the day, but my favorite current commercial is for McDonald's. In the ad a man awakens and as he walks to McDonald's various people attempt to interact with him, but he disregards them all by saying something to the effect of, "I haven't had my coffee yet," or "Not until I have my coffee." Don't ask me why, but I think it's hysterical. Now, I don't think I've ever had or will ever have coffee from McDonald's (I'm a Dunkin' Donuts guy), but the commercial, in my opinion, is an overwhelming success.

My least favorite commercial by far is the Jared Galleria of Jewelry ad that depicts two women in a house. Woman #1 is working on a crossword puzzle and asks Woman #2 what a 13 letter word for marriage proposal is. Woman #2 looks stumped, so Woman #1 says, "He went to Jared," as she shows her engagement ring. This commercial is so horrendous that it makes me want to vomit. Everytime it's on I quickly change the channel so that my eyes and ears don't have to put up with the piercing pain of annoyance that the ad evokes.

I obviously watch a lot of television, but in the past year and a half I've significantly decreased the number of commercials that I view (although based on the past few paragraphs I clearly still see plenty). Because my profession requires me to work primarily at night I am reliant on my DVR (which I love) to record all of the shows that I would normally watch if I were at home.

Sure most shows can be found online, especially the day after they air, but to me DVR is a godsend (should this word be capitalized?). Seriously, can you think of a greater invention in the last 15 years? Not only does it allow you to watch your favorite shows at your own convenience, but it also allows you to fastforward through the commercials.

My TV viewing habits have gotten to the point where I'll avoid watching a show during it's regularly scheduled air time, just so I can watch it later without having to sit through the commercials. I also sometimes start watching an hour long show that I'm recording about 20-30 minutes in and I end up avoiding almost, if not all of the commercial breaks.

But which shows do I record, you ask?

Well here are the shows that I have set up a series recording for on my DVR:

1.) Jeopardy! (CBS M-F 7PM)- Not only do I record the best game show on TV, but I write down how many questions/answers I get right as well as what the Final Jeopardy question/answer is (an excel spreadsheet is in the works). What can I say? One of my goals in life is to be on the show someday. I'd also like to be a contestant when Alex Trebek is still hosting and the clock is certainly ticking.

2.) The Daily Show (Comedy Central M-T 11PM)- Jon Stewart, although he admittedly leans liberal, is a terrific interviewer. Stewart's correspondents (dubbed The Best Fucking News Team Ever), especially John Oliver and Jason Jones, add plenty of humor to the show.

3.) The Colbert Report (Comedy Central M-T 11:30PM)- Colbert is the sharpest, quickest-witted television host going. His improv skills are the most apparent during interviews, in which he routinely dominates his guests. His fame is currently at an all time high now that he's been on the cover of Sports Illustrated and won a Grammy in the past two months.

4.) How I Met Your Mother (CBS Mondays 8PM)- It's a little strange to see Neil Patrick Harris, a homosexual, so effectively pull off his alpha male character Barney Stinson, but his humor drives the show. Well, that and Jason Segel, who can't not be funny.



5.) The Big Bang Theory (CBS Mondays 9:30pm)- If you watched this show once you'd probably never watch it again. I used to watch it because it was on right before How I Met Your Mother and now it's debatable as to which show is funnier.

6.) 24 (FOX Mondays 9PM)- 24 is great because (aside from Bauer being a badass) you can start watching at the beginning of each season and you won't miss a beat. For example, I've seen Seasons 1,2,7, and now the first few episodes of Season 8. This show is so entertaining that so far they've made Freddie Prinze, Jr. a likable character.

7.) Lie to Me (FOX Wednesdays 9PM)- I gave this show a shot back when it first premiered and I still feel that it's worth watching, but it's not a show that I really look forward to. In fact, sometimes I choose not to record an episode if I see a preview commercial and don't like the proposed storyline.

8.) Damages (FX Mondays 10PM)- I think I watch this lawyer drama mainly to figure out if Rose Byrne is hot or not.



9.) Glee (FOX Tuesdays 9PM)- When I first saw previews for this show I assumed that I would never watch it because it seemed a little feminine with all the singing, etc. That was until my friend Kate talked me into watching it and I discovered that it's actually quite funny. Also, I'm officially in love with Lea Michele who plays Rachel on the show.



10.) Modern Family (ABC Wednesdays 8PM)- I'm not sure what the target demographic is for this comedy, but I think it appeals to anyone from the ages 15-65. Like it's name suggests, the show deals with modern family issues (interracial, homosexuality, raising kids in the technological era) in a light-hearted sense.

11.) Top Chef (Bravo Wednesdays 10PM)- I only understand about 2% of the culinary lingo, but for some reason I find this show to be incredibly entertaining. I'm convinced that whoever does the casting is an absolute genius because I routinely like and dislike an equal number of the cheftestants. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that Padma Lakshmi is the host?



12.) The Office (NBC Thursdays 9PM)- I don't know anyone that doesn't watch this show. Or at least I don't know anyone that's watched more than a few episodes and not liked it. In my opinion, it's reached Seinfeld/Friends status in that people generally accept that it's a great show.

13.) 30 Rock (NBC Thursdays 9:30PM)- 30 Rock is definitely deserving of all of those Emmy's that it has won. It is hands down the best written comedic show on television. Case in point, one of my all time favorite television lines came from a Season 3 episode:

Tracy: You like Phil Collins, right?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

14.) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX Thursdays 10PM)- Just an absolutely, ridiculous show. I find the episodes to be hit or miss, but when they hit it's virtually non stop laughter for 30 minutes.

15.) Mad Men (AMC Sundays 10PM)- This period drama is simply fascinating. I started watching from the get go and it's been picking up steam ever since.

If you've seen all of Season 3 then check out this excerpt from Malcolm Gladwell's most recent book "What the Dog Saw":

Herzog worked at a small advertising agency called Jack Tinker & Partners, and people who were in the business in those days speak of Tinker the way baseball fans talk about the 1927 Yankees. Tinker was the brainchild of the legendary adman Marion Harper, who came to believe that the agency he was running, McCann-Erickson, was too big and unwieldy to be able to consider things properly. His solution was to pluck a handful of the very best and brightest from McCann and set them up, first in the Waldorf Towers (in the suite directly below the Duke and Duchess of Windsor's and directly above General Douglas MacArthur's) and then, more permanently, in the Dorset Hotel, on West Fifty-fourth Street, overlooking the Museum of Modern Art. The Tinker Group rented the penthouse, complete with a huge terrace, Venetian-tiled floors, a double-height living room, an antique French polished-pewter bar, a marble fireplace, spectacular skyline views, and a rotating exhibit of modern art (hung by the partners for motivational purposes), with everything-walls, carpets, ceilings, furnishings-a bright, dazzling white. It was supposed to be a think tank, but Tinker was so successful so fast that clients were soon lined up outside the door. When Buick wanted a name for its new luxury coup?, the Tinker Group came up with Riviera. When Bulova wanted a name for its new quartz watch, Tinker suggested Accutron. Tinker also worked with Coca-Cola and Exxon and Westinghouse and countless others, whose names-according to the strict standards of secrecy observed by the group-they would not divulge. Tinker started with four partners and a single phone. But by the end of the sixties it had taken over eight floors of the Dorset.

Sound familiar? It doesn't end there. Here's an article about a legendary 1950-60's ad man named.....Draper Daniels. Knowing this, don't you think that the opening credits of Mad Men should at least say inspired by true events?

Over/Under?

Last month Cottonelle began an ad campaign that aimed to discover which way their consumers preferred to have their toilet paper on the roller. Did they prefer to have their toilet paper roll over, or under?



To settle the "debate" not only did Cottonelle post a poll on their website, but they even took their "roll poll" to the streets. They sent employees all over the country and had them ask random people which way they preferred to have their toilet paper rolled.

Here are some of the results:





Yes folks, Kristen in Atlanta is the writer of stopping to smell the roses, which sadly hasn't been updated in months. She was in the park with a friend when a woman with a video camera approached and asked if they'd like to particpate in a nationwide poll. They said yes, filled out release forms, and that was that. They also recently received a check for $200 for their participation.

Now after seeing the clip my first question, of course, was, "How did you know which way the toilet paper is rolled in hotel rooms?" She claims that she's just been in a lot of hotel rooms, but that's neither here nor there.

This toilet paper talk actually brings us to a more important debate. After you terrorize the toilet, do you stand and wipe? or do you remain seated?

You may think that this is an easy question to answer, but like with religion, most people just assume that their way is the proper way. To show you the range of responses that this question usually garners, I scoured a handful of forums to find the following:

Sitters:

"I think people that stand when wiping need to be locked up and evaluated before being let back into society with the rest of us."

"I shudder to think that I may actually know a standing wiper."

"I can't fathom how people think standing up to wipe their ass is acceptable."

"What's interesting is that I was taught as a kid to stand when I wipe. I was taught that only girls wipe sitting. But as I grew older, I realized it was simply more efficient to wipe while sitting. I always felt like I was going to the bathroom wrong if I didn't stand to wipe. But why would you want to stand? Your cheeks get all bunched up, increasing the probability of a nasty smear"

"I always sit, and had no idea anyone wiped while standing up. I still can't figure out how you can stand and wipe without getting shit all over your crack and your cheeks."


Standers:

"Sitters are weird, how do you get your hand in a position?"

"Stander here. I tried sitting down and wiping once, and I don't see how you do it without your penis touching the toilet rim. From what I understand, you have to lean forward, and then my penis ends up touching the toilet rim, and there still isn't enough room for my hand to get in from the back without touching the toilet seat. Yeah, weird."

"I'm a stander, it just seems much easier that way. The couple of times I've tried it sitting it was just awkward, balancing on one ass cheek and rubbing the back of my hand against the toilet rim, just didn't see the point to it."

"I don't get this contempt the sitters have for the standers, choose what ever works for you and celebrate diversity."

"Sitting down is just way too close to the imagined uncleanliness of the toilet/waste for my mild-OCD to cope with. Standing is less efficient, but it doesn't threaten me with near panic attacks like the prospect of sitting does."


As one of the world's leading experts on fecal matter I feel as if it is my duty to share my own personal style with you. Similarly to one of the respondents, I was potty trained to stand. I also just assumed that everyone else (with a penis) did likewise. That was until I read Poop Culture. As I poured through the pages of that groundbreaking literary work I began experimenting with different styles. Shortly thereafter I betrayed by my standing roots and became a sitter (I wipe with my left hand)

After thinking about it for a minute (I think most people stand because they never take the time to think about it) it just made more sense. Standing invariably makes the wiping process more difficult because doing so causes your ass cheeks to squish together.

Now I will admit that there isn't a lot of room in the bowl when you remain seated, but trust me, there's enough.