March Madness

Now that the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament are complete I can finally get back in the business of blogging. These past 4 days have been absolutely wild. The upsets, the close calls, the buzzer beaters. It's no wonder that many well respected people in the sports media refer to this past weekend as the best 4 days of the year in sports. The NCAA tournament literally takes over the national spotlight. It's pretty crazy even if you only think about it from that standpoint. Everywhere you look the games are on. Everywhere you go people are talking about their brackets.

With the field of 65 on the minds of most Americans, you also start to see some non-sports related brackets. In fact, on Thursday my brother Pat sent me a link to this bracket of Seinfeld characters. I loved the idea, but it was so poorly put together that I decided to make my own. My version of the bracket looks awesome in Paint, but it doesn't translate well to the format of this blog so you're just going to have to make do with how I've laid it out for you. Now when it comes to my picks, there isn't much of a method to this version of March Madness. I sort of just went with which character I like more, or which character I think is funnier, or what character is more relevant, etc.

And now without further ado:


Monk’s Region (Picture your bracket. This region would be the one on the top left of the page)

(1) Jerry Seinfeld
(16) Slippery Pete

(8) Gillian (man hands)
(9) Joe Mayo

(5) Mr./Mrs. Ross
(12) Jimmy

(4) Estelle Costanza
(13) Mr. Lippman

(6) Sue Ellen Mishke
(11) Mr. Bookman

(3) J Peterman
(14) Kevin/Gene/Feldman

(7) Jack Klompus
(10) Russell Dalrimple

(2) David Puddy
(15) Tony the mimbo


Reggies’s Region (bottom left)

(1) George Costanza
(16) Pam

(8) Mr. Pitt
(9) Donna Chang

(5) Tim Whatley
(12) Franklin Delano Romanowski

(4) George Steinbrenner
(13) Darin the intern

(6) The Soup Nazi
(11) Jake Jarmel

(3) Uncle Leo
(14) Nina

(7) Marla the virgin
(10) Crazy Joe Devola

(2) Susan Ross
(15) Claire (hellllooo)


Mendy’s Region (top right)

(1) Kramer
(16) Fragile Frankie Merman

(8) The Maestro
(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)

(5) Mickey Abbott
(12) Little Jerry

(4) Morty Seinfeld
(13) Rachel

(6) Lloyd Braun
(11) Dolores (Mulva)

(3) Jackie Chiles
(14) Miss Rhode Island

(7) Babu
(10) Stan the caddy

(2) Frank Costanza
(15) Todd Gack


Kenny Roger’s Region (bottom right)

(1) Elaine Benes
(16) Jane (Erika)

(8) Bob/Cedric
(9) Poppie

(5) Helen Seinfeld
(12) The Drake

(4) Kenny Bania
(13) Izzy Mandelbaum

(6) Keith Hernandez
(11) Jack (The Wiz)

(3) Kruger
(14) Bob Sacamano

(7) Mr. Wilhelm
(10) Ping

(2) Newman
(15) Tony the mechanic


So there's the empty bracket. If you want to fill one out, but don't want to be skewed by my picks, then do so now. I'll wait.....

OK, here are my region by region picks, which are then followed by my picks for the Final Four and Finals.

Monk's Region

First Round

(1) Jerry over (16) Slippery Pete- Slippery Pete won’t be able to find the few holes in Jerry’s game.

(8) Gillian (man hands) over (9) Joe Mayo-No chance that Mayo will be able to stop her from tapping on the glass.

(12) Jimmy over (5) Mr./Mrs. Ross- "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."

(4) Estelle Costanza over (13) Mr. Lippman- She won't be giving out the water pick here.

(6) Sue Ellen Mishke over (11) Mr. Bookman- It’s hard to get Bookman rattled, but Mishke’s free swinging, freewheeling attitude just might do it.

(3) J Peterman over (14) Kevin-Gene-Feldman- If they can't handle an Elaine push, there's no way that the bizzaro group can hang with Peterman's experience.

(7) Jack Klompus over (10) Russell Dalrimple- I have a funny feeling that Dalrimple’s pregame meal of pasta primavera might slow him down a bit.

(2) Puddy over (15) Tony the mimbo- Puddy may be a recovering germaphobe who listens to Christian rock, but there's no way he loses to a male bimbo, even if that male bimbo has "a perfect face."

Second Round

(1) Jerry over (8) Gillian (man hands)- “It’s not a twist off.”

(12) Jimmy over (4) Estelle Costanza- Jimmy’s real sweet on making it to the Sweet 16 and he can thank his sneakers for getting him there.

(3) J Peterman over (6) Sue Ellen Mishke- Peterman’s gameplan- “Here's the angle: Zelda Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this (a bra as a top) at wild parties, driving all the men crazy.”

(2) Puddy over (7) Jack Klompus- Puddy’s a face painter. Do you really think he’s going to lose to an old man?

Regional Semifinals

(1) Jerry over (12) Jimmy- "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.”

(2) Puddy over (3) J Peterman- Peterman's downfall may be his past affliction with drug use. He first got hooked on white lotus/yam-yam/Shanghai Sally in 1979 travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. He got to the market after sundown and all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," the trader said. That was all it took.

Regional Finals

(2) Puddy over (1) Jerry- Puddy changed his whole offensive scheme after Jerry called him a hack for using his move (even though he did the pinch at the end instead of the swirl) and his new stuff is just as effective.


Reggie's Region

First Round

(1) George Costanza over (16) Pam- Jerry and Kramer might be gaga over Pam, but Costanza’s isn’t. He’s ruthless.

(9) Donna Chang over (8) Mr. Pitt-With his socks not fitting perfectly there’s no chance that Mr. Pitt will be able to focus.

(5) Tim Whatley over (12) FDR- Even a snowball to the face won't stop Whatley. In fact, he might re-gift the snowball and beat FDR at his own game.

(4) George Steinbrenner over (13) Darin the intern- Close one, but I had to side with the Big Stein.

(6) The Soup Nazi over (11) Jake Jarmel- Jarmel will be too concerned about his glasses to get past The Soup Nazi’s stingy defense.

(3) Uncle Leo over (14) Nina- Nina might be a smooth conversationalist, but Uncle Leo is all awkward pauses.

(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (7) Marla the virgin- “SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!”

(15) Claire (Helllo) over (2) Susan Ross- Good bye Susannn, la la la.

Second Round

(1) George Costanza over (9) Donna Chang- Costanza will show no mercy as his parents almost got divorced because she isn’t Chinese.

(5) Tim Whatley over (4) George Steinbrenner- Ken Phelps’ bat isn’t good enough to get past Whatley.

(3) Uncle Leo over (6) The Soup Nazi- Jerry….H-E-L-L-O

(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (15) Claire (Helllo)- “I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la.”

Regional Semi Finals

(1) George Costanza over (5) Tim Whatley- Oh, this team has got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the ying-yang!

(3) Uncle Leo over (10) Crazy Joe Devola- “A man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.”

Regional Finals

(1) George Costanza over (3) Uncle Leo- “Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.”


Mendy's Region

First Round

(1) Kramer over (16) Fragile Frankie Merman- Start digging the hole, the K Man will TCB in this one.

(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher) over (8) The Maestro- This team is real and they’re spectacular.

(5) Mickey Abbott over (12) Little Jerry- Little Jerry may be a lean, mean pecking machine, but Mickey flips the switch like few teams in the tournament.

(4) Morty Seinfeld over (13) Rachel- No one makes out with Morty’s son during Schindler’s List.

(6) Lloyd Braun over (11) Dolores (Mulva)- Braun is one of the streakiest teams in the field. His A game is top notch (an advisor to Mayor Dinkins), but he may also be mentally unstable.

(3) Jackie Chiles over (14) Miss Rhode Island- I can see Jackie becoming outraged at only being a #3 seed (even though it may be too generous). "It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"

(10) Stan the caddy over (7) Babu- “You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup.”

(2) Frank Costanza over (15) Todd Gack- You want a piece of Frank? “You got it!”

Second Round

(1) Kramer over (9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)- Sidra may have a great rack, but Kramer is the ASSMAN. Plus, he has the kavorka...the lure of the animal.

(4) Morty Seinfeld over (5) Mickey Abbott- The world’s #1 dad survives and advances.

(6) Lloyd Braun over (3) Jackie Chiles- Jackie may be too busy focusing on other teams (Sidra) in the region.

(2) Frank Costanza over (10) Stan the caddy- He’s like a Phoenix, rising from Arizona.

Regional Semi Finals

(1) Kramer over (4) Morty Seinfeld- When an opponent becomes difficult he “quones” them.

(2) Frank Costanza over (6) Lloyd Braun- “Serenity now. Insanity later.” Frank might explode on Braun and turn this one into a literal blow out.

Regional Finals

(1) Kramer over (2) Frank Costanza- It’s the bro, not the mansierre.


Kenny Roger's Region

First Round

(1) Elaine Benes over (16) Jane/Erika- Jane might get out to an early lead, but Elaine will take over in the second half and show no mercy. She won’t even spare a square.

(8) Bob/Cedric over (9) Poppie- Poppie’s been known to have controversial stances, so let’s hope he’s in favor of gay marriage or else this one might get ugly.

(12) The Drake over (5) Helen Seinfeld- I love the Drake.

(4) Kenny Bania over (13) Izzy Mandelbaum- “You think you’re better than me? It’s go time.” Sorry Izzy, but Bania’s got you beat.

(11) Jack (the Wiz) over (6) Keith Hernandez- Nobody beats him.

(3) Kruger over (14) Bob Sacamano- “K-uger, that sounds like one of them old time car horns, eh? K-UGER! K-UGER!”

(7) Mr. Wilhelm over (10) Ping- From what I hear, Mr. Wilhelm is pretty good from downtown.

(2) Newman over (15) Tony the mechanic- Newman. The white whale! “I’ll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.”

Second Round

(1) Elaine Benes over (8) Bob/Cedric- Upset alert because Elaine eats big salads and Bob/Cedric toss them? “Get out!”

(4) Kenny Bania over (12) The Drake- I hate the Drake.

(3) Kruger over (11) Jack (the Wiz)- “Kruger, my son tells me that your company stinks!” Others may be low on Kruger, but not me.

(2) Newman over (7) Mr. Wilhelm-
Elaine- “Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.”
Jerry- “No. There’s less.”

Regional Semi Finals

(4) Kenny Bania over (1) Elaine Benes- He went from a size 40 suit to a 42. He’s huge.

(2) Newman over (3) Kruger- “Pretty hot under these lights, eh?”

Regional Finals

(2) Newman over (4) Kenny Bania- When you control the mail, you control... information.


Final Four

(1) George Costanza over (2) David Puddy- An opposing coach once said of Costanza’s strategy, “It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.” This is what he does.

(1) Kramer over (2) Newman- Not only did Kramer have that game of Risk in the bag, but he also knows his opponent very well.

KRAMER: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
NEWMAN: What're you talking about...
KRAMER: Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
NEWMAN: All right, so it's me. So what?
KRAMER: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting
alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
NEWMAN: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
KRAMER: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
NEWMAN: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
KRAMER: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
NEWMAN: Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading)
Help me Kramer! Help me!

Finals

(1) George Costanza over (1) Kramer- He’s disturbed, he’s depressed, he’s inadequate, he’s got it all!




What do you think of my bracket? Did I snub anyone? What about my picks? Am I all chalk? Can Costanza be beaten?