Updated Top 25

In case you haven't noticed, Natalie Portman is everywhere. Everytime I turn on the TV she's on a different late night talk show. Everytime I go to the movies she's in at least one, if not two of the previews. Everytime I go to the grocery store she's on the cover of at least 3 magazines in the checkout aisle. The Israeli born actress' exposure is definitely at an all time high.



Back in August when I ranked the top 25 actresses, Portman was on the outside looking in. It seems almost unthinkable now, but back then she was just the cute girl from Garden State (2004) and V for Vendetta (2006) that randomly appeared on an episode of Top Chef with a bunch of her vegan friends. She was under the radar and I kind of dug that about her.

Now she clearly loves meat because she's engaged and pregnant. Her fiance choreographed Black Swan (2010) and also played a small role in the film. Portman's performance in that film is clearly her best to date. In order to prepare for the role as a veteran ballerina Portman trained for 5-8 hours a day for 6 months and lost roughly 20 pounds in the process. Her hard work and dedication definitely paid off. She's already won the Golden Globe for Best Actress and will almost surely win the Oscar in the same category.

Portman also stars in the romantic comedy No Strings Attached, which came out in theaters on Friday, alongside Ashton Kutcher as well as the action/adventure film Thor, which is set to be released in early May.

Due to her rapid ascension among the Hollywood elite, I have decided to update my rankings.

Again, here is the criteria.

-Looks- Looking good is half the battle and don't let anyone tell you any different.
-Talent- How good of an actress are you? Can you play multiple roles? Have you been typecast? Do you just skate by on your looks?
-Prestige- Will your name be enough to sell a movie? Does your acting resume stack up? Have you been nominated for, or won, big time awards?
-Exposure- Do I know who your husband/boyfriend is? Are you magazine cover worthy? Will the papparazzi leave you alone?
-Wealth- What kind of price tag do you have on you? What do you make per movie?
-Recent Activity- What have you done for me lately? When I hear your name can I easily recall the most recent movie that you've been in? If so, was that movie successful?


Top 25

1.) (1) Angelina Jolie- Even duds like Salt (2010) and The Tourist (2010) (neither of which I've seen) can knock Angelina off the top spot.

2.) (2) Jennifer Aniston- She's not a talented actress (Razzie nominations for her roles in both The Bounty Hunter and The Switch), but she's immensely popular, looks great for 41, and puts the asses in the seats.

3.) (NR) Natalie Portman- Like I said, she's everywhere right now. She's kind of like the Kemba Walker of these rankings. Back in August she was unranked (the UCONN men were unranked in the preseason) and now she's burst onto the scene as one of the best actresses going (Kemba became the most talked about player in college basketball as UCONN won the The Maui Invitational and skyrocketed into the top 5).

4.) (5) Reese Witherspoon- I haven't seen How Do You Know (2010) yet, but she couldn't look any better than she does in the trailer.

5.) (8) Anne Hathaway- If being cast as catwoman in the next Batman movie wasn't enough to warrant a 3 spot bump in the rankings, showing off her assets in Love and Other Drugs (2010) is.

6.) (6) Sandra Bullock- She hasn't been in a movie since winning the Oscar for her role in The Blindside last year, but she's scheduled to appear in a film alongside Tom Hanks that will begin filming soon. Also, she's been in the news because her ex-husband is marrying the woman that he cheated on her with. Oh and she's been linked to Scarlett Johansson's ex Ryan Reynolds.

7.) (9) Scarlett Johansson- Did I mention that she's single?

8.) (3) Kate Winslet- I haven't heard a peep about her since August, but she's still the most talented actress in the world.

9.) (10) Julia Roberts- Eat, Pray, Love (2010) got her back in the conversation.

10.) (4) Meryl Streep- It's Complicated (2009) has been on almost every day in the past month and I've been fighting every urge in my body to not waste 2 hours of my life watching it.

11.) (12) Penelope Cruz- She's pregnant with Javier Bardem's baby.

12.) (13) Halle Berry- She earned a Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress for her role in Frankie and Alice (2011), but she was one of the few Oscar snubs. Also, Aretha Franklin wants her to play her in a biopic that's currently being written.

13.) (7) Cameron Diaz- Only because of her relationship with A-Rod.

14.) (23) Nicole Kidman- A great bounce back year for this Aussie sensation as she just picked up her third career Oscar nomination.

15.) (14) Jennifer Garner- She obviously gets major bonus points for being married to Ben Affleck. Also, she was hammered during Martha Stewart's Christmas special.

16.) (22) Amy Adams- The most underrated actress in Hollywood continues to deliver with another Oscar nomination for her role in The Fighter (2010).

17.) (18) Ellen Page- She's not attractive, but she's a very intriguing actress. I loved her in Juno (2008) and Inception (2010) and I can't wait for her next role.

18.) (11) Vera Farmiga- Where've you been Vera? I almost put you in the top 10 last time?

19.) (24) Rachel McAdams- I'll be honest, I didn't know that her most recent film (Morning Glory (2010)) was released in November, but she's still adorable.

20.) (21) Zooey Deschanel- She sang the national anthemn before a World Series game and she's great to follow on Twitter (@therealzooeyd). Also, in case you're wondering, I'm still madly in love with her.

21.) (19) Jessica Biel- She's drop dead gorgeous and she dates Justin Timberlake. Enough said.

22.) (16) Keira Knightley- Apparently she recently broke up with her boyfriend that I've never heard of, but she's going to have to get back to being beautiful on screen to stay in the rankings.

23.) (NR) Mila Kunis- She finally broke up with Macaulay Culkin and she was great alongside and on top of Natalie Portman in Black Swan.

24.) (NR) Michelle Williams- The former Dawson's Creek star earned her second Oscar nomination yesterday (first for Best Actress) for her performance in Blue Valentine (2010).

25.) (20) Kate Hudson- She's becoming less and less relevant by the day, but I always had a thing for her back in the day.

Others receiving votes: Helen Mirren, Hilary Swank, Gwyenth Paltrow, Drew Barrymore, Julianne Moore, Helena Bonham Carter, Melissa Leo, Jennifer Lawrence, Kristen Bell, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Connolly, Isla Fisher, Cate Blanchett, Amanda Seyfried

Who Cut The Cheese?

The title of this post also happens to be the title of the book that one of my sisters got me for Christmas. Not only that, but one of my brother's got me a 2011 daily calendar called, "What's Your Poo Telling You?" Clearly my siblings have a good understanding of my interests.

"Who Cut The Cheese?" starts with the author relaying his top three fart stories and to be honest, I wasn't exactly blown away. He goes on to write that everyone loves a good fart story, but most fall under the category of, "you had to be there." I couldn't agree more, but that's not going to stop me from telling you mine.


1.) In my younger days I was a bit of a loudmouth. In fact, my mom always used to tell me that I had a fat mouth and that someday someone was going to close it for me. Let the record show that that still hasn't happened, although there's been a few close calls. Either way, when I was in 4th or 5th grade a horde of my classmates and I were gathered up by the side door of St. Matthew's parochial school anxiously awaiting a lunch lady (a volunteer mom) to let us outside for recess. It was a very narrow passageway, so we were essentially lined up in two single file lines waiting to be released into the wild. I was the sixth person in the line to the left (facing the door) and I couldn't wait to run out into the parking lot and play hops (basically you have to catch a ball passed to you and pass it to someone else all while in the air) or keep away. Obviously I was all jacked up on chocolate milk and Terrell's BBQ chips. Eventually the lunch lady (Mrs. Case in case any St. Matt's Cougars-our school mascot, not an attractive older woman-are reading this) started to navigate her way through the raucous crowd of 10 and 11 year olds. As she approached the door she was bumped by one of the few remaining kids that she had to get through, so she said, "Excuse me," in the "you should actually be the one saying this to me, but because you clearly aren't going to I'll say it to infer that you should" tone. Even at a young age I could sniff out unrighteous self-aggrandizing. I also knew that timing was 80% of comedy, so I quickly blurted out, "What'd you fart?"

Well let's just say that Mrs. Case didn't take to kindly to this remark. After unlocking the door she turned to the first person in the left line and told him to stay right there. She then did the same for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th guys in that line. I was next. Before she had a chance to decide my fate I went into full on innocent dove mode and said, "Do I have to wait behind too?" Thankfully she said no and I was allowed to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for the next 20 minutes while 5 of my friends had to go to the principal's office.

I later found out that 4 of my 5 friends were convinced that it was the 5th, my buddy Nathan, that had yelled out, "What'd you fart?" so they kept telling him to just come clean so that they wouldn't get in trouble too. I forget how the matter was eventually resolved (I think Nathan just bit the bullet), but I can honestly say that that was the first time that I ever felt the sense of guilt.

Years later (sophomore/junior year of college) I ran into one of my grammar school frienda named J.J., who happened to be one of the 5 kids that had to go to the principal's office that day. I casually brought up the "What'd you fart?" comment and he almost immediately said, "We all knew it was Nathan, but he kept denying it." Let's just say that he was stunned when I came clean and told him that it was actually me.


1. b.) When I was a freshman in highschool I was taught a great deal about the flatulent arts. My older brother Jimmy and his friend Grazi recognized my immense raw talent and were kind enough to teach me the proper technique. Farting position as they called it looks a little something like this....



My hands should actually be a bit more forward and my back should be slightly more arched, but in all fairness I'm absolutely hammered in that picture. Not to compare farting to a deity of any religion, but proper position looks a lot like when Muslims face Mecca and pray to Allah.


2.) During my freshman year of college I was sitting in the hallway outside my dorm with my buddy Max and a girl that will remain nameless. Max, the entertainer that he is, told the two of us a very humorous, yet grotesque joke. Upon hearing the punchline this girl and I burst out laughing. Minutes later someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max re-tell the joke. Eventually more and more people joined us in the hallway and each time someone new showed their face we had Max tell the joke again. After about the 5th time I noticed that this girl was laughing even harder at the punchline than she did the first time. You know how girls get. Sometimes when they start laughing they just can't stop. Well sure enough someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max tell his joke again. It went something like this...

"So there's a huge highschool party and this girl really wants to go, but she can't get a ride. She simply lives too far away from all of her friends, so she decides to ask her dad if she can borrow his car.

"Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
"No, not tonight."
"Pleaseee. There's this party and I have to be there."
"I'm sorry honey. You can't have it."
"But Dad. I realllly want to go to this party. I'll do anything."
"I said no and that's final."
"Come on Dad. I'll do anything. Pleaseeee"
The dad thinks for a second and says, "You'll do anything?"
"Yes, you name it. I need the car. I have to go to this party"
"Ok, well I'll let you have the car if you give me head."

So the girl thinks about it and she's like, "This is really weird. I can't believe my dad asked me to do that." But she really wants to go to the party so she somehow rationalizes it in her head and agrees to the proposition.

She unzips her dad's pants. Takes down his boxers and there's shit all over his dick.

"Dad, what the hell's going on? There's shit all over your dick."
And the dad says, "Oh I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."

Even if you've heard the joke before you'd still laugh if you heard Max tell it because of the way he sets it up. So as we're all laughing once again this girl just loses control, even though she's now heard the joke upwards of 5 times, and let's out an audible one cheek sneak. Just your classic, everyday, run of the mill, textbook sounding fart. Immediately there is silence as the 6 or 7 of us guys don't know how to react. We've never heard a girl, an attractive one at that, fart before. Finally after about 3 seconds of silence my former radio show co-host just yells, "Oh my God, ______ you just farted!" and we all erupted with laughter once again.


3. a.) During my senior year of college a bunch of us decided to go to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break. I'll spare you the details on how much fun it was, etc. etc. and get right to the story. Each night as we pre-gamed we played what became known as "The Numbers Game." As about 10 of us sat around guzzling frosty bevs we went around in a circle and counted to 15. Whoever it landed on at 15 got to replace a number with a rule. So they'd say something like, instead of the #5 you have to imitate someone we all know until we guess who it is. Then the count would start back up and whoever it landed on for 5 would have to abide by the rule. When the count got to 15 whoever it landed on would make a new rule. One of our favorite's was, "Instead of the #7 let's see your most embarassing Spring Break dance move." Then the count would continue. Whoever it landed on for 5 would have to imitate someone. The next person would say 6. Then the next person would have to perform an embarassing dance move. etc.

We had a lot of fun playing the numbers game while we pregamed, so one day we decided to play during the day at one of the hotel/resort pools. Well early on in the game someone made a rule that said, "Instead of #11 you and the Stanman have to get into farting position and see who can fart first." Now I sort of pride myself in being able to fart on command (I'd say that I have about an 80% success rate), so I'm happy to report that during the course of that game I successfully farted before 10 of my 11 (estimates) compadres. The only person to fart before me was the aforementioned Max and let the record show that I still had enough gas left in the tank to fart no more than 2 seconds after he did.


3. b.) This isn't exactly a fart related story, but it's still worthy of mention. During my senior year of college, Kyle Korver and his housemates organized a 3 on 3 rapid fire beer pong tournament at their house. Anyone that was anyone in our class was there and we took team events pretty seriously. By that I mean that each 3 person team had a name, matching uniforms, etc. Max put together a team that featured the two of us and our buddy Tyler. Our team name was "I'mma Doo Doo On U". We drew on white t-shirts with dump brown markers for our uniforms. They had our team name and some sort of fart/poop related image on the front and our individual names and numbers on the back. Max's name was "Doo Doo Work Son", mine was "Fartman", and Tyler's was "Mudgeyser". We got hosed in the first round of the tournament, but we definitely had the best team name and unis going.

Leading Role: Christian Bale

Although 1.) he's a bit of a hot head and 2.) he's never been nominated for a major acting award (Golden Globe/Academy Award) until now, Christian Bale has had one hell of a career. He's never in the elite actor conversation, but his resume is starting to stack up.

Normally I put a Leading Role together when I don't have any other blog ideas (is it possible that I only did 2 in 2010?), but after seeing Christian Bale's performance in The Fighter it seemed necessary (the idea was actually suggested by my man Gens, a loyal reader and friend of the blog). If you haven't seen The Fighter yet you're wasting your time reading this. Head to the theater. Christian Bale is almost certainly going to win the Golden Globe and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. More on this later.

It's time to decide which of Bale's roles was his finest. In case you've forgotten, Leading Role works like this. Let's say that Christian Bale flips out on the set of his next movie (and clearly this wouldn't be out of the ordinary) and decides to walk away from acting all together (a la Joaquin Phoenix). Which of his previous roles would then be considered his magnum opus? Which would he be most closely associated with? For Bale, I think it really comes down to just two choices, but here are four nominees.


1.) Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (2000)



In this film Bale plays a yuppie investment banker who's obsessed with his outward image. He stresses over the font on his business card and which restaurants he can secure reservations at. The stress of maintaining this upscale persona eventually drives him into a psychopathic rage.

Most Memorable Lines:

Patrick Bateman: I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

Patrick Bateman: I have to return some videotapes.

Patrick Bateman: Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.

Patrick Bateman: Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

Patrick Bateman: I want you to clean your vagina.

Patrick Bateman: You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.

Patrick Bateman: I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Patrick Bateman: There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

Patrick Bateman: Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.

Synopsis: I associate Bale with this role so much that everytime I type Bale I almost type Bateman instead. Patrick Bateman has become something of a cult hero among Americans in their 20's and 30's. I guess they can relate to the inner monologues and strange desire to murder annoying co-workers. Either way this self obsessed, neurotic, fantastical behavior seems very becoming of Bale and for that I think this is one of the two roles that he will be remembered for.


2.) Alfred Borden in The Prestige (2006)



In this film Bale plays a rival magician opposite Hugh Jackman living and performing in London in the late 1800's. The ability of Bale's character to perform a crowd attracting illusion drives Jackman's character mad trying to figure out the secret behind it.

Most Memorable Lines:

Alfred Borden: The secret impresses no one. The trick you use it for is everything.

Alfred Borden: Never show anyone. They'll beg you and they'll flatter you for the secret, but as soon as you give it up... you'll be nothing to them.

Alfred Borden: You went half way around the world... you spent a fortune... you did terrible things... really terrible things Robert, and all for nothing.

Synopsis: I don't think this was so much a great role for Bale as it was a great movie. I usually strongly dislike movies that aren't set in the present day (or close to it), but this film bucked that trend. Bale's character is central to the plot of the movie, although Jackman's is the protaganist, but the role doesn't exactly call for extraordinary acting ability. I can easily see people forgetting that it was Bale that played opposite of Jackman in this film and for that reason I can't proclaim this as his finest role.


3.) Bruce Wayne/Batman in The Dark Knight (2008)



In this film, one of my top ten of the past decade, Bale plays the billionaire industrialist and philanthropist Bruce Wayne as well as his alter ego, Batman (although Bale was surprisingly not credited for the role of Batman).

Most Memorable Lines:

Harvey Dent: The famous Bruce Wayne. Rachel's told me everything about you.
Bruce Wayne: I certainly hope not.

Alfred Pennyworth: I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...
Bruce Wayne: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.
The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
Batman: What did you do?
The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!

Batman: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I'm not a hero, like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be
Lt. James Gordon: No, you can't! You're not!
Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be.
Lt. James Gordon: They'll hunt you.
Batman: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen.
Batman: Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Batman: Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded...

Synopsis: Not only did Heath Ledger's Joker steal the show, but there isn't too much to the character of Bruce Wayne. He's an arrogant rich guy who flaunts his wealth. Plus Batman's morality is demonstrated more through his actions than his words. In this instance Bale's character is outshadowed by the film's greatness, which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world.


4.) Dicky Eklund in The Fighter (2010)



Bale plays Dicky Eklund, former professional boxer turned crack addict who serves as the trainer for his younger brother Mickey, who is an up and coming boxer himself.

Most Memorable Lines:

Dicky Eklund: This is my younger brother. Taught him everything he knows.

Dicky Eklund: Head, body, head.

Dicky Eklund: Mickey has a chance to do something that I never did and he needs me.

Dicky Eklund: This is your time. I had my turn and I blew it. You don’t have to.

Synopsis: Not only did I not want to ruin the movie for those of you that haven't seen it, but there are 4-5 other memorable quotes that I couldn't remember verbatim and couldn't find online. That said, Bale really got into character for this role. He lost an absurd amount of weight (something he's done before for The Machinist), nailed the mannerisms of Eklund- they show the real Eklund as the credits role, and had a better Boston accent than Mark Wahlberg. This is the first role of Bale's that has received critical acclaim and I think that he's the sure fire Oscar winner. It only makes sense then that this is the role he would be most remembered for.


My apologies to Bale's roles in Reign of Fire (2002), The Machinist (2004), 3:10 to Yuma (2007), and Public Enemies (2009) as I have not seen the films, but I highly doubt that any of them were as memorable as his work in American Psycho and The Fighter.

That's Amare

First and foremost, I'd like to wish a happy new year to you and yours. Thank you making The Shampoo Effect part of your daily/weekly/monthly browse of the internet. While the rest of the country has slowed down in the last 2 weeks to enjoy the holidays I have been working like a dog for the worldwide leader. It's college football bowl season and outside of Syracuse winning the Pinstripe Bowl (a quick shoutout to my boys who were at the Blarney Stone before going to the game at Yankee Stadium) and Notre Dame restoring order by beating Miami in the Sun Bowl these past two weeks have largely been miserable. One of my few saving graces, though, has been my beloved New York Knicks.

As I've written about previously, the Knicks have been the laughing stock of the league for the past decade. They've failed to make the playoffs since 2001 and have forced fans to suffer through some of the most anemic basketball in the franchise's history. However, after signing All-Star forward Amare Stoudemire in the off season to a 5-year $100 million contract the Knicks have seemingly turned the corner. If the playoffs started today the 19-14 Knicks would be the 6 seed in the Eastern Conference and would square off against the Chicago Bulls, a team they are 2-0 against this season.



Now Amare is not the only reason for this return to competitiveness for the Knicks. Something should also be said about the acquistions of Raymond Felton and Ronny Turiaf, the development of Wilson Chandler and Danilo Gallinari, and the drafting of Landry Fields, but Amare is the main reason. He is a legitimate star. That said, I have continued my streak of ruining classic songs with my own lyrics and have re-written the Italian favorite "That's Amore" and re-named it "That's Amare" (FYI- I can't be the first Knick fan to have tried this). Seriously, I'm like an unfunny, untalented version of Weird Al Yankovic.

First the lyrics to That's Amore:




In Napoli where love is King,
When boy meets girl, here's what they say:

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie,
That's amore;
When the world seems to shine like you've had too
much wine,
That's a - more.
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella."
Hearts'll play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella.
When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fa -zool,
That's amore;
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet,
You're in love;
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore,
'Scusa me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore.


And now my lyrics to "That's Amare"


In NYC where ball is King
When star meets city, here’s what they say:

When you drive through the lane like the number 2 train,
That’s Amare;
When the Garden seems to cheer like fans’ve had too much beer,
That’s A - mare
Your game is rebounds, blocks and dunks, rebounds, blocks, and dunks
And you stand, tall and talented
Fans’ll say he’s the MVP, he’s the MVP
It’s not close I tell ya
When you shoot your free throws with your glasses off your nose
That’s Amare
When you score 30 a night and put the playoffs in sight
You’re an All-Star
When you carry our team even when you’re double teamed, signore
‘Scusa me, but you see, back in new N-Y-C, that’s Amare.

Now I understand that most of you are not Knicks fans, or basketball fans, so I'll quickly explain some of my word choices.

-The number 2 train runs through Penn Station, which is underneath Madison Square Garden
-Amare's self-given (I'm pretty sure) nickname is STAT, which stands for "Standing tall and talented."
-Fans at the Garden chant M-V-P everytime Amare shoots free throws.
-Amare wears rec-specs and when he goes to the free throw line he takes them off of his nose and puts them on the top of his head.
-Amare scored 30 or more points during an 8 game Knicks winning streak earlier this season.