"Who Cut The Cheese?" starts with the author relaying his top three fart stories and to be honest, I wasn't exactly blown away. He goes on to write that everyone loves a good fart story, but most fall under the category of, "you had to be there." I couldn't agree more, but that's not going to stop me from telling you mine.
1.) In my younger days I was a bit of a loudmouth. In fact, my mom always used to tell me that I had a fat mouth and that someday someone was going to close it for me. Let the record show that that still hasn't happened, although there's been a few close calls. Either way, when I was in 4th or 5th grade a horde of my classmates and I were gathered up by the side door of St. Matthew's parochial school anxiously awaiting a lunch lady (a volunteer mom) to let us outside for recess. It was a very narrow passageway, so we were essentially lined up in two single file lines waiting to be released into the wild. I was the sixth person in the line to the left (facing the door) and I couldn't wait to run out into the parking lot and play hops (basically you have to catch a ball passed to you and pass it to someone else all while in the air) or keep away. Obviously I was all jacked up on chocolate milk and Terrell's BBQ chips. Eventually the lunch lady (Mrs. Case in case any St. Matt's Cougars-our school mascot, not an attractive older woman-are reading this) started to navigate her way through the raucous crowd of 10 and 11 year olds. As she approached the door she was bumped by one of the few remaining kids that she had to get through, so she said, "Excuse me," in the "you should actually be the one saying this to me, but because you clearly aren't going to I'll say it to infer that you should" tone. Even at a young age I could sniff out unrighteous self-aggrandizing. I also knew that timing was 80% of comedy, so I quickly blurted out, "What'd you fart?"
Well let's just say that Mrs. Case didn't take to kindly to this remark. After unlocking the door she turned to the first person in the left line and told him to stay right there. She then did the same for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th guys in that line. I was next. Before she had a chance to decide my fate I went into full on innocent dove mode and said, "Do I have to wait behind too?" Thankfully she said no and I was allowed to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for the next 20 minutes while 5 of my friends had to go to the principal's office.
I later found out that 4 of my 5 friends were convinced that it was the 5th, my buddy Nathan, that had yelled out, "What'd you fart?" so they kept telling him to just come clean so that they wouldn't get in trouble too. I forget how the matter was eventually resolved (I think Nathan just bit the bullet), but I can honestly say that that was the first time that I ever felt the sense of guilt.
Years later (sophomore/junior year of college) I ran into one of my grammar school frienda named J.J., who happened to be one of the 5 kids that had to go to the principal's office that day. I casually brought up the "What'd you fart?" comment and he almost immediately said, "We all knew it was Nathan, but he kept denying it." Let's just say that he was stunned when I came clean and told him that it was actually me.
1. b.) When I was a freshman in highschool I was taught a great deal about the flatulent arts. My older brother Jimmy and his friend Grazi recognized my immense raw talent and were kind enough to teach me the proper technique. Farting position as they called it looks a little something like this....
My hands should actually be a bit more forward and my back should be slightly more arched, but in all fairness I'm absolutely hammered in that picture. Not to compare farting to a deity of any religion, but proper position looks a lot like when Muslims face Mecca and pray to Allah.
2.) During my freshman year of college I was sitting in the hallway outside my dorm with my buddy Max and a girl that will remain nameless. Max, the entertainer that he is, told the two of us a very humorous, yet grotesque joke. Upon hearing the punchline this girl and I burst out laughing. Minutes later someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max re-tell the joke. Eventually more and more people joined us in the hallway and each time someone new showed their face we had Max tell the joke again. After about the 5th time I noticed that this girl was laughing even harder at the punchline than she did the first time. You know how girls get. Sometimes when they start laughing they just can't stop. Well sure enough someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max tell his joke again. It went something like this...
"So there's a huge highschool party and this girl really wants to go, but she can't get a ride. She simply lives too far away from all of her friends, so she decides to ask her dad if she can borrow his car.
"Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
"No, not tonight."
"Pleaseee. There's this party and I have to be there."
"I'm sorry honey. You can't have it."
"But Dad. I realllly want to go to this party. I'll do anything."
"I said no and that's final."
"Come on Dad. I'll do anything. Pleaseeee"
The dad thinks for a second and says, "You'll do anything?"
"Yes, you name it. I need the car. I have to go to this party"
"Ok, well I'll let you have the car if you give me head."
So the girl thinks about it and she's like, "This is really weird. I can't believe my dad asked me to do that." But she really wants to go to the party so she somehow rationalizes it in her head and agrees to the proposition.
She unzips her dad's pants. Takes down his boxers and there's shit all over his dick.
"Dad, what the hell's going on? There's shit all over your dick."
And the dad says, "Oh I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."
Even if you've heard the joke before you'd still laugh if you heard Max tell it because of the way he sets it up. So as we're all laughing once again this girl just loses control, even though she's now heard the joke upwards of 5 times, and let's out an audible one cheek sneak. Just your classic, everyday, run of the mill, textbook sounding fart. Immediately there is silence as the 6 or 7 of us guys don't know how to react. We've never heard a girl, an attractive one at that, fart before. Finally after about 3 seconds of silence my former radio show co-host just yells, "Oh my God, ______ you just farted!" and we all erupted with laughter once again.
3. a.) During my senior year of college a bunch of us decided to go to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break. I'll spare you the details on how much fun it was, etc. etc. and get right to the story. Each night as we pre-gamed we played what became known as "The Numbers Game." As about 10 of us sat around guzzling frosty bevs we went around in a circle and counted to 15. Whoever it landed on at 15 got to replace a number with a rule. So they'd say something like, instead of the #5 you have to imitate someone we all know until we guess who it is. Then the count would start back up and whoever it landed on for 5 would have to abide by the rule. When the count got to 15 whoever it landed on would make a new rule. One of our favorite's was, "Instead of the #7 let's see your most embarassing Spring Break dance move." Then the count would continue. Whoever it landed on for 5 would have to imitate someone. The next person would say 6. Then the next person would have to perform an embarassing dance move. etc.
We had a lot of fun playing the numbers game while we pregamed, so one day we decided to play during the day at one of the hotel/resort pools. Well early on in the game someone made a rule that said, "Instead of #11 you and the Stanman have to get into farting position and see who can fart first." Now I sort of pride myself in being able to fart on command (I'd say that I have about an 80% success rate), so I'm happy to report that during the course of that game I successfully farted before 10 of my 11 (estimates) compadres. The only person to fart before me was the aforementioned Max and let the record show that I still had enough gas left in the tank to fart no more than 2 seconds after he did.
3. b.) This isn't exactly a fart related story, but it's still worthy of mention. During my senior year of college, Kyle Korver and his housemates organized a 3 on 3 rapid fire beer pong tournament at their house. Anyone that was anyone in our class was there and we took team events pretty seriously. By that I mean that each 3 person team had a name, matching uniforms, etc. Max put together a team that featured the two of us and our buddy Tyler. Our team name was "I'mma Doo Doo On U". We drew on white t-shirts with dump brown markers for our uniforms. They had our team name and some sort of fart/poop related image on the front and our individual names and numbers on the back. Max's name was "Doo Doo Work Son", mine was "Fartman", and Tyler's was "Mudgeyser". We got hosed in the first round of the tournament, but we definitely had the best team name and unis going.
2 comments:
EXCUSE ME?!?!?
I'm honored to be involved -whether directly or indirectly -in so many of your favorite fart stories.
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