Hollywood Bracket

I'm just realizing now that 1.) March is almost over (2012 is flying by) and 2.) I have yet to supply you with a bracket. Clearly I was a little too caught up in the actual bracket with Syracuse being a pre-tournament favorite. Now that Syracuse has lost, let's get to a bracket.

As some of you may know, I was essentially the committee chairman of this bracket. What you probably don't know is that because of my lunch routine I was a member of the committee for this bracket. It's the second bracket that I'd like to focus on. For those of you that are too lazy to click on my links it's a bracket of actors. The goal of this so-called "Hollywood Bracket" is to find out who the best actor is. The criteria is a bit hazy because it's not the best actor of all time. And it's not the best actor of this very moment. For my purposes, I will make it the best living actor. I've re-seeded the bracket, adjusted the name of one of the regions, and here's what I've come up with.


Marlon Brando Region

1- Jack Nicholson
16- Scarlet Johansson

8- Robin Williams
9- Warren Beatty

5- Sean Penn
12- Angelina Jolie

4- Johnny Depp
13- Jeff Bridges

6- Glenn Close
11- Edward Norton

3- George Clooney
14- Michael Caine

7- Tim Robbins
10- Mark Wahlberg

2- Morgan Freeman
15- Reese Witherspoon


The Humphrey Bogart Region

1- Meryl Streep
16- Kevin Costner

8- Philip Seymour Hoffman
9- Colin Firth

5- Will Smith
12- Ryan Gosling

4- Kevin Spacey
13- Jamie Foxx

6- Gene Hackman
11- Julianne Moore

3- Al Pacino
14- Judi Dench

7- Michael Douglas
10- Russell Crowe

2- Leonardo DiCaprio
15- Natalie Portman


The John Wayne Region

1- Denzel Washington
16- Kevin Bacon

8- Javier Bardem
9- Halle Berry

5- Julia Roberts
12- Paul Giamatti

4- Brad Pitt
13- Hilary Swank

6- Anthony Hopkins
11- Tommy Lee Jones

3- Matt Damon
14- Ben Affleck

7- Harrison Ford
10- Christian Bale

2- Clint Eastwood
15- Michelle Williams


The Jimmy Stewart Region

1- Tom Hanks
16- Anne Hathaway

8- Samuel L. Jackson
9- Bruce Willis

5- Daniel Day-Lewis
12- Daniel Craig

4- Tom Cruise
13- Nicole Kidman

6- Robert Redford
11- John Malkovich

3- Kate Winslet
14- Liam Neeson

7- Dustin Hoffman
10- Penelope Cruz

2- Robert Deniro
15- Benicio Del Toro

I'm sure there were plenty of snubs (some were probably egregious). Feel free to let me know who I unintentionally slighted. I skew young and towards actors instead of actresses. Deal with it. Either way, it's now time for my picks. In some matchups I attempted to briefly explain why one actor/actress should advance. In others I simply used a famous movie quote from either participant. Hopefully you'll be able to follow along.


Marlon Brando Region



First Round

1- Jack Nicholson over 16- Scarlet Johansson- Jack’s taking ScarJo down to Chinatown (1975)

8- Robin Williams over 9- Warren Beatty- Williams’ non comedy acting career is wildly underrated (4 Oscar noms, 1 win).

5- Sean Penn over 12- Angelina Jolie- Jolie might outdo him when it comes to humanitarian efforts (although then again she might not) and media fanfare, but Penn has a lot more range and more accolades. Speaking of humanitarian efforts, if they made a movie about U2 Penn would be a lock to play Bono, right?

4- Johnny Depp over 13- Jeff Bridges- Bridges has been better of late (back to back Best Actor noms in 2010-11), but Depp will Blow (2001) by him.

11- Edward Norton over 6- Glenn Close- They both have outstanding performances, but I like Norton’s (Primal Fear (1996)) more than Close’s (Fatal Attraction (1987).

3- George Clooney over 14- Michael Caine- Caine has the edge in credentials, experience, and longevity, but Clooney has the star power that Caine’s never possessed.

7- Tim Robbins over 10- Mark Wahlberg- Wahlberg is a very successful producer as well as a respected actor, but at his core he’s a wanna be rapper from Boston. Guess what Tim Robbins was doing when he was young? Acting.

2- Morgan Freeman over 15- Reese Witherspoon- Witherspoon has one great performance (Walk the Line), but Freeman has more depth and experience.

Second Round

1- Jack Nicholson over 8- Robin Williams- Closer match up than you’d think, but, “Heeeeerrrrre’s Johnny!” is a little more iconic than, “Gooooooooood Morninggg Vietnam!”

5- Sean Penn over 4- Johnny Depp- Since 1995 Sean Penn is the only man to win Best Actor twice (Mystic River, Milk) and he leads all actors with 5 nominations.

3- George Clooney over 11- Edward Norton- I love me some Ed Norton, but Clooney was outstanding in The Descendants, Up in the Air, and Michael Clayton. How he didn’t win Best Actor for any of those roles just baffles me.

2- Morgan Freeman over 7- Tim Robbins- I have to give Freeman the edge in the Shawshank showdown because not only was he the one nominated for Best Actor, but I think it also launched his voice-over career.

Regional Semi-Finals

1- Jack Nicholson over 5- Sean Penn- Penn is outstanding, but Nicholson is a legend and he delivered one of my favorite lines in the history of cinema. In As Good as it Gets (1997) Nicholson plays a writer suffering from a severe case of OCD. He’s asked how he writes women so well and he says, “I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability.”

3- George Clooney over 2- Morgan Freeman- You could argue that Freeman has been the better actor (I’d still lean toward Clooney), but Clooney gets the edge because of how well he’s taken to writing/directing. Need evidence? Good Night, and Good Luck (2005) and The Ides of March (2011) both garnered Oscar recognition.

Regional Finals

1- Jack Nicholson over 3- George Clooney- You’re God damn right he ordered the Code Red!


The Humphrey Bogart Region



First Round

1- Meryl Streep over 16- Kevin Costner- She has the most Academy Award nominations of all time. Plain and simple.

8- Philip Seymour Hoffman over 9- Colin Firth- They both have Best Actors Oscars, but Hoffman steals the show in just about everything else that he’s in.

12- Ryan Gosling over 5- Will Smith- Will Smith is definitely a more talented entertainer, but Gosling is clearly the better actor.

4- Kevin Spacey over 13- Jamie Foxx- Spacey was the suave badass in LA Confidential (1997) long before Jamie Foxx came around.

6- Gene Hackman over 11- Julianne Moore- Julianne Moore doesn’t get the credit she deserves, but there’s no way that she’s knocking out Norman Dale.

3- Al Pacino over 14- Judi Dench- Dench actually has a great resume, but I know her best as M in James Bond films. Pacino is best known as Michael Corleone and Tony Montana. Simple as that.

7- Michael Douglas over 10- Russell Crowe- “The point is ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for the lack of a better word, is good,” against, “What we do in life echoes in eternity,” and “Are you not entertained?” Close, but I have to go with Douglas.

2- Leonardo DiCaprio over 15- Natalie Portman- Portman is an Israeli minx with a Best Actress Oscar on her resume, but I like Leo in a rout. Do you concur?

Second Round

1- Meryl Streep over 8- Philip Seymour Hoffman- I was rooting for the upset here, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger on it. I hate Streep (she’s very pretentious) and love Hoffman, but it’s really not even close.

4- Kevin Spacey over 12- Ryan Gosling- “What sick ridiculous puppets we are / and what gross little stage we dance on / What fun we have dancing and fucking / Not a care in the world / Not knowing that we are nothing / We are not what was intended”

3- Al Pacino over 6- Gene Hackman- “Hooah!”

2- Leonardo DiCaprio over 7- Michael Douglas- “When you kill a king, you don't stab him in the dark. You kill him where the entire court can watch him die.”

Regional Semi-Finals

4- Kevin Spacey over 1- Meryl Streep- Sorry Meryl, but Keyser Soze isn’t going down to a female.

2- Leonardo DiCaprio over 3- Al Pacino- I’m obviously biased because I’m only 26 and didn’t get to enjoy Pacino in his prime, but Leo’s performance as Billy Costigan in The Departed (2005) is legendary.

Regional Finals

2- Leonardo DiCaprio over 4- Kevin Spacey- “Well dreams, they feel real while we're in them, right? It's only when we wake up that we realize how things are actually strange. Let me ask you a question, you, you never really remember the beginning of a dream do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what's going on.”


The John Wayne Region



First Round

1- Denzel Washington over 16- Kevin Bacon- “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!”

9- Halle Berry over 8- Javier Bardem- All she wants is someone that can “make me feel good.”

5- Julia Roberts over 12- Paul Giamatti- Paul Giamatti is brilliant, but he can’t hang with this Pretty Woman.

4- Brad Pitt over 13- Hilary Swank- “Fight Club was the beginning, now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Project Mayhem.”

6- Anthony Hopkins over 11- Tommy Lee Jones- Hopkins polishes him off with “some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

3- Matt Damon over 14- Ben Affleck- Just like in Good Will Hunting (1997), Damon is the one with all the talent.

10- Christian Bale over 7- Harrison Ford- I'm already bracing myself for some venom coming from my friend Frank, but let me attempt to explain. This is clearly an upset. If logic prevailed Ford would advance in a heartbeat. Here's the thing though, logic doesn't always prevail in the NCAA Tournament. That's why they play the games. Harrison Ford has had a much better career (I mean, he’s Indiana Jones and Han Solo), but he’s never had a performance like Bale’s in The Fighter (2010).

2- Clint Eastwood over 15- Michelle Williams- “Get off my lawn.”

Second Round

1- Denzel Washington over 9- Halle Berry- The first African-American male to win Best Actor against the first African-American female to win Best Actress? I gotta go with “My man.”

4- Brad Pitt over 5- Julia Roberts- She was good in Ocean’s 11, but he was better. “You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side.”

3- Matt Damon over 6- Anthony Hopkins- “You’re right Teddy. The ace didn’t help. I flopped the nut straight.”

2- Clint Eastwood over 10- Christian Bale- “You’ve got to ask yourself one question. “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?”

Regional Semi-Finals

1- Denzel Washington over 4- Brad Pitt- “We the only two people up. Me, you and Michael Jordan. That's the only people. Everybody else in the world is asleep.”

2- Clint Eastwood over 3- Matt Damon- “Go ahead. Make my day.”

Regional Finals

1- Denzel Washington over 2- Clint Eastwood




The Jimmy Stewart Region



First Round

1- Tom Hanks over 16- Anne Hathaway- “Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.” Well, in this matchup Hanks got a cupcake.

9- Bruce Willis over 8- Samuel L. Jackson- Who’s the one that figured out the water puzzle in DieHard with a Vengeance? That’s right, John McClain.

5- Daniel Day-Lewis over 12- Daniel Craig- Day-Lewis’ (My) Left Foot (1989) is a better actor than the current version of everyone’s favorite British agent.

4- Tom Cruise over 13- Nicole Kidman- Ah, the battle of the exes. Kidman is taller and more talented, but Cruise has a better track record and puts the fannies in the seats.

6- Robert Redford over 11- John Malkovich- Hard to compete with Redford who played the Sundance Kid, started the Sundance Film Festival, and starred in two of my favorite movies of the 2000s (Spy Game (2001), The Last Castle (2001).

3- Kate Winslet over 14- Liam Neeson- Liam Neeson plays the same character in every movie that he’s in. Sure he’s a bad ass, but Winslet is extraordinarily gifted.

10- Penelope Cruz over 7- Dustin Hoffman- Hoffman’s most famous role is in The Graduate (1967) where he has an affair with his neighbor and then falls in love with her daughter. The notion that a girl would run off with a guy that had an affair with her mother is so incomprehensible to me that I’m giving the nod to Cruz.

2- Robert De Niro over 15- Benicio Del Toro- In case you were wondering, De Niro improvised one of his most famous lines (from Taxi Driver (1976), "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

Second Round

1- Tom Hanks over 9- Bruce Willis- Hanks knows the tournament motto. Survive and advance, “I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing.”

5- Daniel Day-Lewis over 4- Tom Cruise- You “want the truth”? There Will Be Blood (2007) in this one because Day-Lewis slaughters Cruise in a Best Actor competition.

3- Kate Winslet over 6- Robert Redford- “Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.”

2- Robert De Niro over 10- Penelope Cruz- “Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut.”

Regional Semi-Finals

5- Daniel Day-Lewis over 1- Tom Hanks- “Houston, we have a problem.” They don’t call him “The Butcher” (Gangs of New York) for nothing.

2- Robert De Niro over 3- Kate Winslet- If you mess with the (Raging) Bull (1980) you get the horns.

Regional Finals

2- Robert De Niro over 5- Daniel Day-Lewis- They are both supremely gifted actors, but Day-Lewis can’t touch De Niro’s portrayal of a young Vito Corleone in The Godfather II.


Final Four

2- Leonardo DiCaprio over 1- Jack Nicholson- I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't think I've seen a better acted scene than this one. I'm not sure how much credit goes to Leo and Vera Farmiga, how much credit goes to Scorsese, and how much credit goes to whoever chose the absolute perfect song to complement it all, but it's outstanding.



2- Robert De Niro over 1- Denzel Washington- They've both played a boxer (Raging Bull/The Hurricane), a gangster (Good Fellas (to pick one)/American Gangster), a concerned father (A Bronx Tale/John Q), and a neurotic, self-possesed man who thinks he's invincible (Taxi Driver/Training Day). De Niro was better in all of them.


Finals

2- Robert De Niro over 2- Leonardo DiCaprio- "Every man... every man has to go through hell to reach paradise." De Niro's just been through the wars and Leo hasn't. Guess how many Oscars Leo's has? Zero. De Niro has endured the snubs by the academy (Taxi Driver being the most notable) and has persevered. We're still waiting for Leo to completely break through.

You Live and Learn

About once every 12-18 months I get an email that’s tailor made for this blog. A story or list that just jives with my personality. No matter how interesting, informative, or moderately intriguing it actually is I feel compelled to share it with you almost verbatim because it happens to be right up my alley.

Last week my brother Jimmy sent me an email titled, “24 Things You Might Be Saying Wrong.” After a quick glance through the body of the email I realized that it was only a matter of time before I posted it.


You never mean: Could care less
You always mean: Couldn’t care less

Why: You want to say you care so little already that you couldn’t possibly care any less. When the Boston Celtics’ Ray Allen said, “God could care less whether I can shoot a jump shot,” we know he meant exactly the opposite because 1) God has other things on his mind, and 2) God is a Knicks fan.

Although it might seem otherwise, especially with that line about the Knicks, I did not write these.


You might say: Mano a mano
You might mean: Man-to-man

Why: You don’t speak Spanish by adding vowels to the end of English words, as a columnist describing father–teenage son relationships seemed to think when he wrote, “Don’t expect long, mano a mano talks.” Mano a mano (literally, “hand to hand”) originated with bullfighting and usually refers to a knock-down, drag-out direct confrontation.


You might say: Less
You might mean: Fewer

Why: In general, use fewer when you’re specifying a number of countable things (“200 words or fewer”); reserve less for a mass (“less than half”). So when you’re composing a tweet, do it in 140 characters or fewer, not less.

Guilty as charged.


You never mean: Hone in
You always mean: Home in

Why: Like homing pigeons, we can be single-minded about finding our way to a point: “Scientists are homing in on the causes of cancer.” Hone means “to sharpen”: “The rookie spent the last three seasons honing his skills in the minor leagues.” But it’s easy to mishear m’s and n’s, which is probably what happened to the Virginia senator who said, “We’ve got to hone in on cost containment.” If you’re unsure, say “zero in” instead.

The word “hone” is definitely in my cover letter template, but I’m pretty sure that I’m using it correctly.


You might say: Bring
You might mean: Take

Why: The choice depends on your point of view. Use bring when you want to show motion toward you (“Bring the dog treats over here, please”). Use take to show motion in the opposite direction (“I have to take Rufus to the vet”). The rule gets confusing when the movement has nothing to do with you. In those cases, you can use either verb, depending on the context: “The assistant brought the shot to the vet” (the vet’s point of view); “the assistant took the shot to the doctor” (the assistant’s).


You might say: Who
You might mean: Whom

Why: It all depends. Do you need a subject or an object? A subject (who) is the actor of the sentence: “Who left the roller skates on the sidewalk?” An object (whom) is the acted-upon: “Whom are you calling?” Parents, hit the Mute button when Dora the Explorer shouts, “Who do we ask for help when we don’t know which way to go?”

Whom are you calling just doesn’t sound right.


You almost never mean: Brother-in-laws, runner-ups, hole in ones, etc.
You almost always mean: Brothers-in-law, runners-up, holes in one, etc.

Why: Plurals of these compound nouns are formed by adding an s to the thing there’s more than one of (brothers, not laws). Some exceptions: words ending in ful (mouthfuls) and phrases like cul-de-sacs.

I have two holes in one, but I still think hole in ones sounds better.


You almost never mean: Try and
You almost always mean: Try to

Why: Try and try again, yes, but if you’re planning to do something, use the infinitive form: “I’m going to try to run a marathon.” Commenting on an online story about breakups, one woman wrote, “A guy I dated used to try and impress me with the choice of books he was reading.” It’s no surprise that the relationship didn’t last.


You almost never mean: Different than
You almost always mean: Different from

Why: This isn’t the biggest offense, but if you can easily substitute from for than (My mother’s tomato sauce is different from my mother-in-law’s), do it. Use than for comparisons: My mother’s tomato sauce is better than my mother-in-law’s.


You almost never mean: Beg the question
You almost always mean: Raise the question

Why: Correctly used, “begging the question” is like making a circular argument (I don’t like you because you’re so unlikable). But unless you’re a philosophy professor, you shouldn’t ever need this phrase. Stick to “raise the question.”

I use the phrase “which begs the question” routinely and I’m not going to stop.


You might say: More than
You can also say: Over

Why: The two are interchangeable when the sense is “Over 6,000 hats were sold.” We like grammarian Bryan Garner’s take on it: “The charge that over is inferior to more than is a baseless crotchet.”


You almost never mean: Supposably
You almost always mean: Supposedly

Why: Supposably is, in fact, a word—it means “conceivably”—but not the one you want if you’re trying to say “it’s assumed,” and certainly not the one you want if you’re on a first date with an English major or a job interview with an English speaker.

Microsoft Word doesn’t think that supposably is a word.


You might say: All of
You probably mean: All

Why: Drop the of whenever you can, as Julia Roberts recently did, correctly: “Every little moment is amazing if you let yourself access it. I learn that all the time from my kids.” But you need all of before a pronoun (“all of them”) and before a possessive noun (“all of Julia’s kids”).


You might say: That
You might mean: Which

Why: “The money that is on the table is for you” is different from “the money, which is on the table, is for you.” That pinpoints the subject: The money that is on the table is yours; the money in my pocket is mine. Which introduces an aside, a bit of extra information. If you remove “which is on the table,” you won’t change the meaning: The money is for you (oh, and unless you don’t want it, it’s on the table). If the clause is necessary to your meaning, use that; if it could safely be omitted, say which.
One of the few writing rules that I consistently follow is the whole words enclosed by commas don’t change the meaning of the sentence. In fact, I always read those sentences without the words inside the commas just to make sure that they still make sense.


You never mean: Outside of
You always mean: Outside

Why: These two prepositions weren’t meant for each other. Perfectly acceptable: “Wearing a cheese-head hat outside Wisconsin will likely earn you some stares and glares (unless you’re surrounded by Green Bay Packers fans, that is).”


You might say: Each other
You might mean: One another

Why: Tradition says that each other should be used with two people or things, and one another with more than two, and careful speakers should follow suit: “The three presenters argued with one another over who should announce the award, but Ann and Barbara gave each other flowers after the ceremony.” (By the way, if you need the possessive form of either one when writing that business letter, it’s always each other’s and one another’s; never end with s’.)


8 Confusing Pairs

leery: wary: suspicious
weary: tired

farther: for physical distance
further: for metaphorical distance or time

principle: rule
principal: of your school

You know, the principal is your pal thing.

compliment: nice thing to say
complement: match

You give people compliments, but things/ideas complement each other well.

continual: ongoing but intermittent
continuous: without interruption

stationary: stands still
stationery: paper

imply: to suggest a meaning
infer: to draw meaning from something

affect: typically a verb, meaning “to act upon or cause an effect”; as a noun, it’s “an emotional response”
effect: typically a noun, meaning “something produced,” like a special effect; as a verb, “to bring about,” as in “to effect change”

A guy at work gets this wrong at least once a week and it drives me crazy.

Two Baker's Dozens

In case you missed it I turned 26 on Wednesday. It's hard to say that without vomitting a little bit in my mouth, but it's true. I'm getting old. I'm so old that I don't think my parents will be getting me any presents this year. If they do, they'll have a lot to live up to because my cousin who's rarely named on this blog recently gave me one of the best presents of all time.

What was it, you ask?

Here's the front...



If you're even a casual NBA fan you should know that that is Jeremy Lin's number. I'm a diehard Knicks fan and Lin was a big story earlier this year, so the gift makes perfect sense, but here's the thing. It's not a Jeremy Lin shirt. If you're a true fan of this blog you might be able to guess what's on the back, but for those that aren't I'll explain.

First here's the back of the shirt...



If you're confused, and I'm sure that most of you are, here's the back story (from my August 24th, 2011 post titled "Top 26").

My cousin and I took a class together called Argument & Advocacy (Public Speaking) during our sophomore year of college. At the end of class one day our teacher strongly emphasized that we read over Chapter 8 in our book as homework. He was basically implying that we were going to have a pop quiz our next class. My cousin and I immediately blurted out things like, “I’m calling your bluff. You’re all talk,” and, “No way there’s a quiz. Kealey (our professor) doesn’t have it in him.”

Well sure enough to start our next class there was a pop quiz. Naturally neither my cousin nor I had read Chapter 8 because who writes a text book on public speaking anyway? The quiz only had 5 questions and they were all multiple choice. Shortly after we completed the quiz our professor gave us some nonsense assignment to complete in groups. While we were working he was grading the quizzes.

About 10 minutes into working on whatever assignment we were given I heard our professor say, “You gotta be kidding me, Tim. I basically told you that there was going to be a quiz.”

My cousin responded, “They were all curveballs!”

Some Asian kid in the back of the room, “Tim’s a fastball hitter.”

Tim got a 0 on the quiz. I got a 20.

The Asian kid actually turned out to be a pretty cool dude whose last name was Burke. So naturally my cousin and I began calling every Asian person we saw “Burke” because, of course, they all look the same.

If we walked into a bar and an Asian kid was in sight my cousin would say, “You didn’t tell me that we were meeting Burke here.” If we walked past an Asian kid on campus I’d say, “Dude, why didn’t you say hi to Burke?” It was basically a running joke for years.


(Actually Burke)

During our Senior year we flew out to South Bend, Indiana for the BC/Notre Dame football game. One night we were there (I can’t remember if it was before or after the game) we decided to swing by the bookstore to stock up on some Irish gear. As we left the bookstore to walk back to where we were staying I noticed an Asian kid sitting on a bench so I nudged my cousin and said, “Aren’t you gonna say hi to Burke?” Sure enough, 750 miles away from Fairfield, it actually was Burke, who had graduated by that point.

So even though no one else really finds the t-shirt funny I still think it nwas an outstanding gift.

Speaking of Burke, he actually wrote a happy birthday message on my Facebook wall the other day (definitely haven't said a word to him since the run in at Notre Dame), which reminds me that last week my good friend Kyle Korver suggested that I write a blog post about the happy birthday Facebook wall post. Almost like a tutorial for those that struggle with it. For example, I could offer basic suggestions on what to write on someone's wall that you haven't seen for over a year, a friend of a friend that you share a birthday with, an ex, etc. I thought it was a great idea, but I soon realized that 1.) Good happy birthday Facebook wall posts usually stem from inside jokes and 2.) I had already written a blog post that covered most of my thoughts on the topic.

From my March 23rd, 2011 post...

Because it was recently my birthday I now have fresh perspective to rail against the Facebook birthday wall post. This is a topic I've touched on before. In fact, it made my inaugural Hate List. But I think it's now time to get a little more in depth.



As I wrote in my Hate List, I can't stand the "Happy bday {insert name here}" Facebook wall post. If you know someone well enough to write on their wall on their birthday then you should put a little thought into it and think of an inside joke of some sort. A buddy of mine from highschool actually wrote, "Happy birthday. Sorry, but I don't remember any of our inside jokes," on my wall last week. I thought it was hysterical. Mostly because he's done a few drugs in his day and I haven't seen him in years, so I wasn't the least bit surprised that he had forgotten any of our inside jokes. Quite frankly, I appreciated his honesty.

If you can't think of anything clever to say and haven't seen or talked to whoever's birthday it is in a while it's totally legit to just let them know that. One of my go to's is, "Happy birthday {insert name here}! It's been forever since we've seen each other, but I hope all is well. Have a good one." Ironically one of my friends can't stand the phrase, "I hope all is well," so I've been trying to avoid using it, but I still use it quite a bit.

Now, why should you put a little thought into a birthday wall post instead of just writing "Happy bday {insert name here}" and getting on with your day? Well, because it goes a long way. People are more likely to appreciate and/or remember your well wishes if you put a little thought into it. Also, don't you want people to put a little thought into crafting you a birthday message?

About a month or so ago my buddy Kyle Korver actually said something to the effect of, "I appreciate how you always write more than just a simple happy bday on people's walls," and it wasn't his birthday. He just noticed it.

Don't get me wrong, writing the standard "Happy bday {insert name here}" is still a nice gesture. Obviously it's better than nothing and/or a Facebook message, which is almost always a little creepy. Maybe I'm just a little more selective in who's walls I write on. I imagine some people write on everyone of their "friends" walls on their bdays and in that instance I guess I can understand a few simple "Happy bday {insert name here}" posts, but I think I'm a little more of a realist. I'm not actually friends with all of the people that I'm "friends" with on Facebook.

Another aspect of the Facebook birthday wall post is when you share your birthday with a number of "friends". What's the protocal there? I think a lot of people pretend like they aren't periodically checking their Facebook on their birthday until the inevitable "Thanks for all the bday wishes" post (more on this in a bit), so they don't like to be the first one to crack when it comes to writing on someone's wall that they share a birthday with. Also, what if you aren't actually friends with someone that you share a birthday with? Say they're a friend of a friend that you met once or twice and you just happen to have the same birthday. You still have to wish them a happy birthday, right? On a semi-related note, I also suspect that people are more prone to write a happy bday message on someone's wall in the days leading up to their birthday. Basically the thought process there is essentially, if I write on his/her wall they'll write on mine in a few days when it's my birthday.

Now let's get to the "Thank you for all the birthday wishes" post. Is it necessary? I had a conversation with my buddy Mad Max about it 4-5 months ago and I argued that it was the dumbest thing ever and largely unnecessary. Max couldn't have disagreed more. He said that if you don't thank people for wishing you a happy birthday that you come of as arrogant, self-entitled, and unappreciative. He broke down his point by saying, "Let's say you have a party and I show up and say, "Happy birthday Dan! So great to see you." What do you say? You say thank you, right?" Basically Max owned me in that argument, so for the first year ever I wrote a "Thank you for the birthday wishes" post.

So if there's one takeaway from this rather innocuous post it's this. Give a little thought before writing on someone's Facebook wall on their birthday.

That's What He Said- Chapter 6

If you're confused as to what this is then click this link and catch up.

Chapters 1-5

And now for the main event...

Chapter 6

Shortly before the release of my column on Facebook I began hooking up with a girl in my grade named Alyssa. She had blonde, almost golden hair, a wide smile accented by dueling dimples, and inviting brown eyes. She hailed from the outskirts of Boston and thankfully spoke without the accent. She was a laid back, free spirited girl who, unlike me, could easily have lived without a television. In fact, I often joked that she was a wannabe hippie¹. I wouldn’t say that she was the athletic type (mainly because I associate athleticism with the ability to play basketball), but she was still fit. She was just more outdoorsy. She had a penchant for running and biking, but I think she exercised more to clear her mind than to stay in shape.

Right around the same time (there was a little overlap) Jackie and I temporarily stopped doing whatever it was that we were doing and we each had our reasons. Mine were simple. 1.) I was really into Kristen 2.) Jackie wanted a boyfriend, which was exacerbated by the fact that her three roommates had them and I didn’t want to date her (mainly because I just wanted to be a college dude) 3.) One night after we left The Grape together to go to a party Jackie ended up hooking up with her ex-boyfriend Kyle (the guy that Kristen had strong feelings for). I don’t know all of Jackie’s reasons, but putting a halt on our hook up situation wasn’t something that we ever talked about. It sort of just happened. Surprisingly our weekly column related conversations were not affected in the least.

I met Alyssa during the fall of my junior year because Matty K was trying desperately to hook up with her friend Rebecca. Due to this, Matty K, Dylan and I soon began hanging out with Rebecca, Alyssa and their friends quite a bit. Now this was also the time that I became close with Kristen, so I didn’t hang out with them as much as Matty K and Dylan did, but I was there enough. Sooner or later Dylan and Alyssa started hooking up on a regular basis (Dylan’s girlfriend was abroad for the semester- collleggge) while Matty K continued to feverishly chase after Rebecca. Alyssa and I got along well, but we only interacted in a group setting. I treated her just like I treated any other girl that one of my friends was hooking up with.

The following semester many of the girls that Matty K, Dylan, and I hung out with went abroad. Kristen went to Australia, her roommates went to Italy, as did Alyssa, and Rebecca went to Ireland. While abroad these girls seemed to play a game of musical chairs among friends. Kristen became close with a group of girls that Matty K and I knew from freshman year² and Alyssa became close with many of Kristen’s roommates. I swear, girls in college change groups of friends about as often as guys do laundry.

In the first few months of our senior year Matty K, Dylan, and I (and sometimes Greg and Max) spent a lot of time at Kristen’s house before and after going to The Grape. The girls that lived there were a lot of fun to hang out with, but my main reason for being there was to try to re-ignite the old flame with Kristen. Matty K and Dylan also loved hanging out with this particular group of girls and their presence there was amplified by the fact that they lived about 2 miles away from everyone else and the girls’ house was close to the bar. Alyssa, after becoming close with this group of girls (except for Kristen) while abroad, soon became a regular at the pre and post bar scene at their house as well. She was also very much single (not to say that she was easy, but she wasn’t hooking up with anyone) and she and Dylan had no intentions of hooking up again because he was still with his girlfriend.

One night after the bar closed³ in early October a group of us decided to change things up a bit, so we went to Alyssa’s house for some post-bar festivities. The half mile walk was on the way to my house and I was hammered, so I went along. Because it was an impromptu decision the after party wasn’t anything special. Just about 10-15 people casually nursing late night beers and trying to think of last ditch schemes to get some before calling it a night. After about an hour or so I had had enough and decided to go back to my house (which was only 5 houses down) to see what my roommates were up to.

When I got back to my house I found Max, who had just returned from a post bar party himself. He and I cracked some brews and sat on our back deck looking out at the water. Doing so almost always led to semi-serious conversations about girls, our future careers, etc. because of the serenity of Long Island Sound. After about a half an hour of serious male bonding I got a text from Alyssa that said something to the effect of, “Do you want to come back over?” By this point it was pretty late and I knew that most people would soon be calling it quits on the night, so I wasn’t sure what to make of the text. I showed Max my phone and he immediately said, “Dude, she definitely wants you.”

To be honest, I didn’t know what to think. I always thought that Alyssa was attractive, but I never really envisioned her as a potential hookup. For starters, she hooked up with one of my roommates for the better part of a semester, so she was sort of off limits. Also, I was all sorts of caught up in Kristen and I was occasionally hooking up with Jackie.

It was about 2:15 when I made my way back over. Alyssa quickly answered my light, nervous knock and I entered the side door of her beach house and found myself in the kitchen. My anxiety intensified after I scanned the ground level and noticed that everyone that had been there earlier was now gone. The only other person downstairs was Alyssa’s roommate, whose name I had forgotten even though I had met her earlier in the night. The roommate promptly went to bed and Alyssa asked if I wanted to watch a movie (which is college speak for, “Do you want to hook up?”). As we sat down on the couch I was still feeling a bit uncomfortable about hooking up with her because of her history with Dylan, but apparently she had no problem with it as she made the first move 10 or so minutes into the movie whose title I hope you’ll forgive me for not remembering.

Alyssa and I continued to hook up in the weeks that followed, but it was relatively casual (or at least that’s how I saw it). I was still spending a lot of time with Kristen and essentially getting nowhere. Kristen and I shared very personal information (we both routinely said the phrase, “I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before, but…”), but things never sparked again physically because she had strong feelings for this other joker as well. It was almost like I was the guy who makes it to the final rose ceremony on The Bachelorette⁴ only to walk away empty-handed, just I didn’t quite know it yet.

The Saturday after my column on Facebook was printed our Student Beach Residents Association organized a keg crawl that started at the Pink Box and worked its way up the beach until it got to the point. This was the first of many events that served as an excuse for the majority of our class to drink all day long. It was also still warm out, so everyone was excited to get loaded while basking in the sun. At about 10 a.m. Greg, our house’s resident engineer, or guy’s guy, tapped the keg and “the varsity team”⁵ started downing suds. People started to show up around 10:30-11 and you could just tell that things were going to get sloppy real quick.



I was crushing bevs like a true college dude, but once Kristen showed up she had my undivided attention. She and I even went into the tiny bedroom that I shared with Tim for about an hour and tried to hash out our feelings. As we sat on the bottom bunk (mine for the first semester) she told me how confused she was because she had such strong feelings for both me and this Kyle character. She also said that she felt as if she was being unfair to me and she didn’t want that to be the case. I told her that she wasn’t being unfair, but deep down I knew that it meant that she was eventually going to pick Kyle. Although I got the feeling that rejection was inevitable, for some reason I still hung out with her for the rest of the day in the hopes that she would change her mind and pick me. I was virtually by her side from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. as we ventured from house to house all the way to the point.

Apparently Alyssa was very distraught about how I hardly paid any attention to her that day, or so her friends later told me. At the time I was so fixated on hanging out with Kristen that I didn’t even think twice about Alyssa. Also, I thought that our hooking up was just casual (is it ever?) and that she knew about my strong feelings for Kristen. Either way I couldn’t stand the thought of someone being upset with me, so I went into full on recovery mode and quickly salvaged things with her.

The following weekend was Columbus Day, so on Sunday night Jackie and I decided to write our columns with that topic in mind. I ended up writing a zinger-less, Fairfield specific article that was admittedly one of, if not, my weakest. Although it’s a paltry excuse, I had a lot going on at the time.

The next day (Monday) Kristen, although lying about it at first, told me that she was going to spend her Columbus Day Weekend at Kyle’s house in New Jersey. I had been trying to prepare myself for the worst, but that news was the coup de grace. Her decision had been made and whether I liked it or not I had to move on.

Now I had hooked up with Alyssa a handful of times by that point, but I still had yet to hang out with her sober⁶. Although I’d like to think that I did this because I was trying to be a gentleman, I asked Alyssa if she wanted to see a movie mainly as a reaction to the death blow that Kristen had delivered to my feelings the day before (in my defense I did really like her). She said yes and we decided to go the next night (Wednesday) because I was going to Notre Dame for the weekend with Tim and a few of our friends on Thursday.

Alyssa wasn’t much of a movie person, so she gladly let me choose which movie to see. In fact, she claimed that the last movie she saw in theaters was Blade (1998), which I thought was ridiculous. I chose Gone Baby Gone (2007), which was Ben Affleck’s directorial debut and starred his brother Casey.

As we walked into the old school theater on that fateful Wednesday night it appeared as if we had the place to ourselves. It was old school only in the sense that there was no stadium seating available. No stairs to walk up to get a better angle at the screen. Just a ramp that gradually slanted from the door all the way to the front row. The seats were of the boring grayish blue microfiber upholstery fabric variety with the accompanying hard plastic backs and uncomfortable cup holder clad armrests.

Upon second glance I noticed that there were actually two people already seated; Kristen and Kyle. Now I've had some pretty awkward moments in my life, but none were even in the same ball park as that one. I was literally stunned. On my first date with Alyssa? Really? They were seated toward the back of the theater (maybe 3-4 rows from the entrance) and in the middle of the row. After exchanging a quick wave with Kristen, Alyssa and I walked up a few rows and sat a little off center from where they were seated. I did my best to appear unfazed, but I was so overcome with emotion that my body locked up as soon as I sat down. My mind soon followed suit. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward the predicament was. Did this seriously just happen? I can’t believe this. Did I even wave? Did Kristen wave back? I’m the most awkward person on the planet. This would happen to me. Seriously, no one else in the theater? You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t like how they’re sitting behind us. There’s no chance that I can pull off the arm around move now. Does Alyssa even realize how awkward this is? Does Kyle?

That all being said, I loved the movie. Not only is it in my top 5 movies of the 2000’s, but I’m convinced that you could teach an entire college ethics course based on the film’s plot.
_________________________________________________________

Although Tim and I heard rumblings throughout the fall that as many as 15 of our friends were going to go to the Boston College/Notre Dame football game with us (we booked our flights in August), only two of our friends ended up making the trip to South Bend; Glancy and the Ice Cat.

Glancy was a burly kid from Chicago that played baseball at Fairfield despite being named the Illinois State Player of the Year in Hockey as a senior in high school. He lived with Greg freshman year and was the infamous third “Musketeer.” Glancy lived in my townhouse junior year and practically lived on our couch senior year because he lived 2-3 miles away from everybody else with Matty K, Dylan, and our other housemate from junior year (Pete). He was a bit of a train wreck to live with mainly because of his addiction to chewing tobacco. He left his “spitters” (Gatorade bottles filled with tobacco juice) wherever he pleased. Also, if he owed you any money he would repay you with beer. That was his currency. For example, say he owed you $60 and you asked him for it. He would reply by saying, “Ok, I’ll get you a couple of 30’s this weekend,” and that was that. He was also such a diehard Notre Dame fan that he routinely scoured the recruiting websites and gave Tim and I full reports on the high schoolers that the Irish were after even though we were only remotely interested. That all being said he was the salt of the earth and easily one of our closest friends.

The Ice Cat was a tall, skinny kid from Michigan. Apparently he was a stud youth hockey goalie (before suffering serious knee injuries) and was given the nickname by a TV/radio announcer after making a great late game save as a 12 year-old. Hardly anyone at Fairfield referred to him by this moniker, but it must have stuck at home because his parents bought him a new car during our senior year with, “ICE CAT” vanity plates. He had a nice set of hair (don’t judge me) and spoke with an occasional stutter. Sometimes the stutter was awkward to be around, but no one ever brought it up in front of him because he was too nice of a kid. My thought process was simple. He certainly knew when he stuttered, so what good could come from pointing it out?

He dated one of Jackie’s housemates (a smokeshow) and shortly after our ND trip told me one of the reasons Jackie had for deciding to no longer hook up with me. When it came to gossip the Ice Cat was like an 8th grade girl that sits at the popular table. Apparently after seeing me leave the bar with Alyssa one night, Jackie proclaimed that she would never hook up with me again. Upon hearing this, the Ice Cat asked her if she wanted to put her money where her mouth was. Jackie, convinced that she no longer had feelings for me, confidently agreed. The bet stipulated that the loser would cook dinner for the winner and their housemates. The Ice Cat, a serious Michigan fan, had taken Glancy to the ND/Michigan in “The Big House” earlier in the year, so Glancy decided to repay him by taking him to the BC/ND game. Based on his fan hood this reimbursement made no sense, but the Ice Cat had a cousin that went to ND and he knew plenty of kids from BC that were going to be in South Bend that weekend.

Despite an inspired comeback effort, Notre Dame came out on the losing end of the showdown of Catholic schools. They were having a mediocre season anyway, so the loss didn’t affect Tim, Glance, and I like it normally would have. Had they won, Tim and I most likely would have lobbied to stay and celebrate, but we went with the plan and started drinking our sorrows away on a bus back to Chicago with a bunch of Glancy’s high school friends. Once we got to the Windy City, we dropped our things off at the apartment that Glancy shared with his sister (where we were staying) and headed out to the bars. We raged until about 4 a.m., got some great late night drunk food, and crashed. I wish I was lying when I say that Glancy fell asleep mid cheeseburger bite on an oversized leather recliner.

The next day Glancy gave us an abbreviated tour of the city before our flight home. He showed us the Sears Tower, pointed out landmarks on Michigan Avenue, and took us to a restaurant to eat some deep dish pizza. Between the four of us we figured that we could easily house 3 pies. After we ordered, the Ice Cat, always the gossip queen, asked what my column topic was for the week. I explained how Jackie constantly proclaimed that the girls at Fairfield were much better looking than the guys and wanted to somehow make that a topic. I agreed with her whole heartedly, so I suggested that we simply write about the other gender in broad terms. I would write about the average Fairfield girl and she would write about the average Fairfield guy.

Upon hearing the topic, the Ice Cat offered his services. Unfortunately the conversation soon split. Tim, who regularly read my columns before I sent them in anyway, was more focused on asking Glancy about the city where Michael Jordan won six rings. The Ice Cat bounced a few ideas off of me, but the topic soon changed again once our food showed up. Sure enough, we severely underestimated the thickness of the deep dish and struggled to finish two of the pies.

We left the restaurant with an untouched deep dish pizza and started walking toward the train that would bring us to the airport. As we approached a busy intersection Glancy, who was carrying the full pizza, noticed a homeless man lying on the ground holding a sign that read, “Homeless and hungry.” Knowing that we’d most likely end up throwing out the full pie before getting on the plane, he offered it to the homeless man. Shockingly the poor, dirty, unshaven man in worn out clothes refused, but had the audacity to ask for money instead. Glancy, shocked by the bizarre turn of events, responded with the timely colloquialism, “Sorry pal, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

After sleeping for the majority of the next day I awoke with only a few hours to write my column. Thankfully in our brief conversation the Ice Cat and I had come up with a dynamite opening line. With such a broad topic, the rest just flowed. I swear, sometimes all you need is the first line.

The Mirror on October 17th, 2007:

Oh the Battle of the Sexes

I’ll be the first to say that I’m not perfect, but who are we kidding, you aren’t either, so let’s get right to the judging.

Girls here at Fairfield are all virtually of the same mold, but they generally come from three different areas.

There are two types of girls from Long Island. The first are the guidettes who use more hairspray than John Travolta dressed as a woman⁷. I mean if you dig beefy muscles and peanuts then my noodle arms and macadamia’s aren’t for you. Without buying you jager bombs, no one else has a shot.

The second are the girls that have been spoon fed their entire lives because their daddy owns the world. These little princesses grew up with millions of dolls and no friends and now they won’t stop talking. But don’t worry, I know a guy from Atlanta that might be able to lend me a few muzzles⁸. After those are on tight, I’d like to take a brick from each of their castles and throw them at their faces.

Girls from the state of Massachusetts (America’s red-headed step child) might be the worst. I have a soft spot for chicks that rock baseball hats, but the pink Red Sox hats have got to go. No other demographic thinks they know a lot and knows less about their own team than female red sox fans.

While the Red Sox do score a lot of runs, it still doesn’t compare to the amount of times guys have rounded the bases with girls from New Jersey. Considering the amount of times they’ve gotten pumped, you’d think they’d know how to fill up their own gas tanks. Jersey girls think they are God’s gift to the earth because they live ‘down the shore’. When you aren’t laying out in America’s dumpster, you go right to the tanning booth because you think guys are attracted to the color orange.

Girls if any of you wear uggs this year, you are going to get a swift kick in the shins. And don’t get mad, isn’t feminism about being equal to men?

Also, what is the deal with the oversized sunglasses? Perhaps you should wear them 24 hours a day because the sun never sets on a badass, right? Wrong, that’s the worst AIM profile quote of all time. Get your bad ass to the recplex. It’s open until 11.


1 She did own a tie-dyed shirt and occasionally smoked weed.^↩

2 We played on a co-ed intramural volleyball team together. Our team name was “The Sledge Hemmers” in honor of the girl that first organized the team our freshman year, Caitlin Hemmer. During warm ups I had the entire team practice their spikes by re-enacting the final sequence in the 2003 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship in which Syracuse beat Kansas 81-78. I pretended to be Kansas guard Michael Lee and everyone else on the team took turns pretending to be Syracuse forward Hakim Warrick. ^↩



3 12:30 a.m. on weeknights and 1:30 a.m. on weekends. Connecticut has the worst blue laws in America.^↩

4 It’s a fantastic television product and I’m not ashamed to admit it. ^↩

5 A self-given nickname that a few of us used whenever drinking was involved. Glancy was the originator of the term.^↩

6 In fact, a few weeks later I pre-gamed a sober hang just to take the edge off. I even showed up with a 12 pack in case Alyssa wanted to loosen up a little too.^↩

7 Travolta played a woman in the movie Hairspray (2007), which was out in theaters at the time.^↩

8 Hard to miss this one, but for those of you that did I was referring to Michael Vick. ^↩