Hate List 4.0

It's time to update my Hate List. In case you were wondering, I got the idea from a girl I went to high school with who started her own list on Facebook. If you'd like to read my first three installments you can access them by clicking here.


1.) People who say/post the phrase “Is this real life?”- Yes, it is. Grow up. In many ways saying “Is this real life?” is a not so clever way to humblebrag. Listen many resorts are nice, so when you post a picture from your hotel room view or from the pool/beach I don’t think that you’ve gone to an alternate universe. My mind can comprehend that you’re just in a place where the weather is warm and the sun is out.

2.) People who ask for a retweet- 98% of the time it’s pathetic, desperate, and downright embarrassing. I’m willing to give those looking to promote a good cause a pass, but even then I think asking for a retweet is dumb. How many times have you clicked on a link that was retweeted by a celebrity and is preceded by the words, “Can I get a RT?”? Why do people ask celebrities for a retweet anyway? Just so they can tell their friends that Lady Gaga retweeted them? If someone told me that a celebrity retweeted them my first question would be, “What was the tweet?” If they replied, “It was ‘Can I get a RT for my birthday?” I’d never talk to them again. If you really want someone marginally famous to retweet you than think of something witty or provocative and take your chances.

3.) Facebook telling me which articles or videos my “friends” have read or watched- On the surface this seems like it’s actually a pretty good idea, but I really don’t care what some broad I met in my sophomore year History class is reading or watching on Socialcam (what is that?). There has to be a way to turn this thing off, right? Or to at least only allow it to show me what certain friends have read. There are certain people whose book/article recommendations I actually care about, but it’s a select few (10-12 tops).

4.) Girls that use their middle name as their last name on Facebook- I understand that some girls do this when they are searching for a job. I also understand if girls are teachers and don’t want their students to find them on Facebook. I get that. But either I have 23 or so “friends” that are teachers or looking for a job (yes, I counted) or girls do this just to seem cool. Seriously, other than the 4 pictures from college where you’re holding a solo cup and the post on your wall from your BFF where she says, “Where’ve you been slut?”, what is there to hide?

Let the record show that some guys change their last names to something dumb (never their middle name), but they’re just gay. Not gay in the mocking sense. Actually homosexuals.

5.) The Taco Bell commercial where a Mexican looking kid allegedly drove over 900 miles just to try the new Doritos Locos Taco- To even suggest that this actually happened is an insult to the intelligence of the American public. No one drives 900 miles unless they’re moving or traveling across country, let alone to try a taco that has a shell made of Doritos.

6.) Moving- I recently moved for the 4th time in 42 months and I always think that the process is going to be easy, but I’m always wrong. Once I move all of my clothes (despite my lack of even a remote sense of fashion I have a lot of clothes) I think that I’m home free, but I’m not. I know that the big stuff is going to be a pain, but it’s the small tables, trash cans, etc. that you never account for. They keep adding up and ultimately drive you crazy. The worst part of moving is that it’s never a smooth process. Something invariably goes wrong. For example, two weeks ago I quickly packed a bunch of random stuff in a suitcase before realizing that an entire bottle/carton of laundry detergent spilled everywhere because the top wasn’t fastened tightly enough. I also had already moved my screwdrivers into my new residence, so I had to go buy another one in order to take the feet off of my couch.

7.) Looking for a parking spot- Good luck getting a parking spot at ESPN at 1:05 on a Tuesday. Nothing in my day to day life is more frustrating than looking for a parking spot. Obviously I go George Costanza style and circle for the dream spot before meticulously scouring row after row in 3 different lots. The worst is watching 2-3 cars pull into empty spots during my mile walk to the office after finally finding a spot after 10-15 minutes of searching.

8.) Basic grammatical errors- One of the producers at work consistently gets the words ‘affect’ and ‘effect’ mixed up and it drives me crazy. Every time he hands me a pregame show format I find an error within 30 seconds. It’s not that I’m even trying to find them, I just do. It’s always trivial stuff like ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ or ‘our’ and ‘are’, but it baffles me how people in high places get by without a basic understanding of grammar.

9.) Coverage of Tim Tebow- There is a promo for The Herd with Colin Cowherd about Tebow that I must have heard about 585 times by now in which the Herd essentially says, “Tebow’s a backup quarterback. He’s going to be on the punt team. Why are we talking about this? Stop it.” While I don’t disagree, putting it into a promo and playing it over and over runs counter to his very message. Listen, Tebow is a lightning rod for members of the sports media and religious fanatics everywhere. He is a constant talking point. That said, saying that we shouldn’t talk about Tebow just adds fuel to the fire because by doing so you are actually talking about Tebow. It’s a self-serving argument that adds to what has become a vicious cycle.

It’s only mid-June and I’m reaching my breaking point with Tebow talk. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel in October.

10.) Betty White- I refuse to join in on America’s love affair with her. She’s 90, so I respect the fact that she still has her faculties and is still working, but I don’t care for anything that she’s done. As far as I’m concerned she’s the old lady from a Snickers commercial. Now she has a television show? Are we serious?