Holidays

Halloween post college is largely overrated. Sure, you can still attend costume parties and have a good time, but the cons definitely outweigh the pros. First of all, you have to think of a costume that is relatively unique, but also not too hard to figure out. If you’re a witch, convict, pumpkin, sports figure that was in the news for all of the wrong reasons (Kobe after the rape charges, a Duke Lacrosse player, Michael Vick after the dog scandal, Joe Paterno, Bobby Petrino, etc.), Santa Claus, or Quail Man from Nickelodeon’s Doug you simply aren’t trying. I’m certainly no expert, but my old standbys (Dr. Pepper, Axl Rose, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez) aren’t bad.

Forget about the costume, what was the best part about Halloween as a kid? The candy. As a twenty something you definitely can’t trick-or-treat and you shouldn’t really be eating candy anyway, so half of the luster of Halloween is gone right there. Throw in the fact that the weather sucks and Halloween is a lot of hype and not a lot of delivery.

Just because I’m not a huge Halloween guy doesn’t mean that I don’t like holidays. In fact, here are my top 5.

1.) Thanksgiving



It’s about family, eating, football, napping, and getting hammered. What’s not to like? The most underrated part about Thanksgiving is that it’s always on a Thursday, so the schedule for the week is usually the same. Everyone can go out hard on Wednesday (best drinking night of the year), you can play touch football the day before or the day of, and everyone has Friday off so the party keeps going as long as the leftovers.

2.) Fourth of July



For starters, I love America, so I take celebrating our independence pretty seriously. The 4th is a day to drink, have a barbecue, honor the flag, watch baseball, and enjoy some fireworks. The early to mid-summer temperature makes the 4th the best holiday by far weather wise.

3.) Christmas



Christmas is a lot like Thanksgiving except presents are involved, so the initial thought is to elevate December 25th over Turkey Day, but doing so would be wrong. There’s a lot to love about Christmas (presents, family, the NBA, etc.), but here are some negatives. The 75 minute Christmas mass, the weather, no one willing to go out because they have to spend time with their extended family, and being stuck in your house for days on end.

4.) St. Patrick’s Day



I’m half Irish, so this one was a no brainer. Sometimes St. Patty’s day falls on a Tuesday, so it’s not as wild. I guess I have the Saturday where St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated ranked 4th here. This past year I went to the Gaelic American Club in Fairfield, CT and had an absolute blast with my extended family as we got hammered while listening to an Irish band headed by my mom’s cousin.

5.) Labor Day



There are no rituals involved with Labor Day, but it still makes my list because it’s the last weekend of summer and people like to get wild one last time in their white pants.


My Week 8 NFL Picks

at Vikings -5.5 vs. Bucs
Patriots -7 at Rams
at Titans -3.5 vs. Colts
Jaguars +14.5 at Packers
Chargers -3 at Browns
at Eagles -3 vs. Falcons
Seahawks +2.5 at Lions
Dolphins +2.5 at Jets
Panthers +7.5 at Bears
Redskins +4.5 at Steelers
Raiders -1 at Chiefs
at Cowboys -2.5 vs. Giants
Saints +6 at Broncos
at Cardinals +7 vs. 49ers

Two Weeks ago- 9-4
Last Week- 5-9
Season- 56-59-3

Here are my Week 9 Picks

at Chargers -7.5 vs. Chiefs- I’m not comfortable laying more than a touchdown on a Norv Turner led team, but the Chiefs might be an even bigger disaster. Last week they started Brady Quinn, who promptly threw an INT and got a concussion, and only gave the ball to Jamaal Charles 5 times.

at Bengals 4 vs. Broncos- The Broncos are hot, but I like the Bengals coming off of a bye to keep it close. Cardinals +11 at Packers- The only team the Packers have blown out this year was the Texans and that was when they were 2-3 and in absolute desperation mode.

Dolphins -2.5 at Colts- Miami is hard to peg, but I think they’re an overall better team than the Colts. Andrew Luck might pull something out of his ass like he did last week in Tennessee, but I like the fish in this one.

Ravens -3.5 at Browns- Cleveland is feisty as hell, but a rested Ravens team should dominate this game.

at Texans -10.5 vs. Bills- I don’t like laying double digits, but the Bills have been blown out of the water in 3 games against superior teams so far this season.

at Redskins -3 vs. Panthers- I haven’t gotten a lot right this year, but the one thing that I’ve nailed is how overrated Cam Newton and the Panthers were coming into the season.

Lions -3.5 at Jaguars- If the Lions have any hope of returning to the playoffs they should win this game handily. It’s a battle of QBs with great flow and I’ll take Stafford whose cabbage isn’t as impressive as Gabbert’s, but his arm is definitely superior.

at Titans +3.5 vs. Bears- The Bears are 6-1 and due for a stinker and/or another very close win over an inferior team.

Vikings +5 at Seahawks- Did you know that Christian Ponder is dating ESPN’s Samantha Steele? That’s what we like to call a power couple folks.

at Raiders -1 vs. Bucs- Carson Palmer has been slinging it this year. I’ll take the silver and black to win an ugly one.

Steelers +3.5 at Giants- Everyone knows that the Giants are better on the road. Plus, the Steelers are hot, so I’ll ride the wave and hope the G-Men win by a field goal.

Cowboys +4 at Falcons- It’s desperation time for the Cowboys. I can see them winning this game outright (Atlanta is due for a loss) or losing by 20+.

Eagles +3 at Saints- Yes, I’m doubling down on desperate NFC East teams that I spend most of the year hating. The Saints defense sucks and I think LeSean McCoy is going to run wild in the Superdome.

Patiently Waiting

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I consider myself to be one of the leading experts in the field of social etiquette. I’m not talking about what fork to eat your salad with at a fancy restaurant (outside in, grow up people). I’m talking about what the unwritten rules are for holding doors for strangers, whether or not you can get a refill on your fountain soda if you ate your meal outside of the restaurant, and how much and when to tip a valet (the guy that actually parks the car gets screwed, but it all evens out in the end).

I’m fortunate enough to have a friend named Browny who, like me, is an expert in this field. Whenever I find myself in a situation where I’m unsure of the proper protocol I consult with him almost immediately and vice versa. Now obviously because I’m bringing up this topic you must have assumed that one of us found ourselves in one of these situations recently. It was me. Here is how my email exchange with Browny went.

“Sir,

So I walk down to the ESPN Cafeteria last night and stop at the Starbuck's stand (I've been working nonstop on the MLB Playoffs and I need a pick me up). There's one woman/barista (I guess that’s the preferred term these days) working and her back is turned as she's cleaning up some pots, etc. She keeps moving around, back and forth with stuff, and I keep assuming that she's going to see me waiting to order. 30 seconds go by and I can't get any eye contact, so finally I say, "How's it going tonight?" She turns and gives me a look that I initially decipher as her saying, "I saw you the whole time and wanted to finish my cleaning before I served you," and then she actually says, "Good, what can I get you tonight?" She's normally very nice, so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My question to you, because this has happened to me at other places (namely the sandwich station of the same cafeteria), is how long am I supposed to wait in the front of the line unnoticed before I say something? Am I required to wait until they see me? Can I say something right away? Had this woman said, "I'll be with you in one moment," I would have said, "Ok, no rush,", but she didn't even see me, or so I was led to believe. Hopefully you followed that and can give me some sage advice.”

“Sir,

This is a very intriguing situation that you bring up and certainly one that I have experienced many times myself. In my opinion I would say that you handled this perfectly. 30 seconds feels like an eternity when you are waiting and are unsure if you have been noticed. You politely made an effort to get her attention because she legitimately seemed pre-occupied and distracted with other work. She is in the business of customer service and if she in fact did not see you then I would say you did her a favor. If she did see you and chose not to acknowledge your presence then I would say that is a mistake on her part. She easily could have given you the "I will be with you in just a moment" and as you mentioned you would have been fine with that. In no situation should someone, whose job it is to serve a customer, simply ignore a customer’s presence for more than 30 seconds. You are not required to wait for them to turn around because there is too much uncertainty with that and you could be left waiting for a long time. In most situations I would think the employee would be happy that you spoke up because they may have been distracted. This is why we need more bells like they have at hotels. Although I am sure they are annoying to the employees they can serve a purpose to customers especially in slower times of the day where there may be less staff working.”

I’m not sure if I completely agree with him on the bell idea (it seems a bit obnoxious, but then again that’s what it’s there for), but I was happy to see that he agreed with how I handled the Starbuck’s situation. Feel free to let me know if you disagree, or if you have any protocol questions that you need clarified.

My Week 7 NFL picks 4 days later than usual (I swear I didn’t change any of them)

at 49ers -7.5 vs. Seahawks
Titans +3 at Bills
Cardinals +6.5 at Vikings
at Colts -2 vs. Browns
Ravens +6.5 at Texans
Packers -6 at Rams
Cowboys -2.5 at Panthers
Redskins +6 at Giants
at Bucs -2 vs. Saints
Jets +10.5 at Patriots
Jaguars +4 at Raiders
Steelers -1.5 at Bengals
Lions +6.5 at Bears

Last Week- 9-5
Season- 42-46-3

My Starting Five

Last week someone asked me who’s in my starting five. They weren’t talking about my fantasy basketball team or the terrible Sprint advertising campaign featuring Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade. What they meant was one of those agreements amongst married couples where each spouse picks 5 celebrities that they can sleep with without any repercussions. Essentially they wanted me to name the five celebrities that I want to sleep with the most. For fear of wasting one of my selections I chose not to answer. It’s almost like a genie in a bottle situation. You don’t want to make any of your wishes impulsively. Everything has to be well thought out. So that’s what I did. After mulling the question over for the past week here’s what I’ve come up with.

1.) Olivia Wilde



I was way late to the party on this one, but I’m a huge fan. She might have the most attractive eyes on the planet. Throw in the fact that she’s an Irish-American, real cool in interviews, and gets topless in movies and this one was a no brainer. Jason Sudekis is a very lucky man.

2.) Marisa Miller



I don’t think it’s possible for me to be more attracted to another human being. The former SI Swimsuit Cover Model is a bit of a surfer chick, but she loves sports (always played in those celebrity softball games at the All-Star Break) and has the ideal body.

3.) Candice Swanepoel



Her body defies the laws of physics and I desperately want to get an up close and personal look. You know the term “baby bearing hips”? She has the complete opposite, but she also has legs for days.

4.) Mila Kunis



She’s a very popular pick right now and she makes my list because she’s got that dark, mysterious quality to her. She also has the kind of eyes that suck you in.

5.) Nicole Sherzinger



She’s not black, but she certainly diversifies my list and then some. The lead Pussycat Doll doesn’t get enough credit for being such a knockout.


And now my Week 6 NFL picks

at Titans +6.5 vs. Steelers- The quality of the Thursday night games has been abysmal. I love how there’s a game every week and I’m more engaged with the NFL product (I would normally never watch the Titans, or Cardinals/Rams from last week), but the players clearly aren’t prepared physically or mentally for these quick turnarounds. I’ll take the home dog and hope it’s an ugly affair.

Bengals -2.5 at Browns- I don’t feel good about this one, but I still think that the Bengals are the better team, even though you’re supposed to assume that home field is worth 3 points (that would make the Browns a ½ point favorite on a neutral field).

at Jets -3.5 vs. Colts- The Jets showed a lot of fight against the Texans on Monday and this game seems like a turning point in the season for them. If they lose they might go off the rails and the Tebow talk will intensify, but I think they put together a complete game and take care of the Colts.

Chiefs +4 at Bucs- My cousin who will not be named once started a Facebook Group (back when people did that) called, “I want to have Brady Quinn’s children.”

Raiders +9.5 at Falcons- Atlanta wins, but Oakland covers, right?

Cowboys +3.5 at Ravens- The Cowboys are coming off of a bye and Tony Romo isn’t going to throw 5 interceptions again. I like the pokes (look it up) to win outright.

Lions +3.5 at Eagles- Matthew Stafford might be more due than A-Rod right now.

at Dolphins -4 vs. Rams- I can’t get a read on the Dolphins. After watching HardKnocks I thought they were going to be horrendous, but they’ve either overachieved mightily or they’re a lot better than I thought. I’ll assume it’s the latter and lay the points.

at Seahawks +3.5 vs. Patriots- Seattle has beaten the Cowboys and Packers at home this year, so I feel pretty good about them staying within a field goal.

at Cardinals -4.5 vs. Bills- No way I could turn down the opportunity to lay 4.5 points with a three headed running attack like the one the Cardinals have in Larod Stephens-Howling, Alfonso Smith, and William Powell.

at Redskins -1 vs. Vikings- RGIII plays and the Redskins squeak past the very solid Vikings.

Giants +6.5 at 49ers- The defending Super Bowl Champs are getting 6.5 points on the road (where they not only play better, but in a place where they won the NFC Championship Game last year)? Yes, please.

Packers +3.5 at Texans- The Packers need this game and I think Houston could benefit from a loss. That isn’t to say that Gary Kubiak is going to coach to lose, but they don’t want to deal with all of the undefeated bull shit that the Packers did last year. The Packers are desperate and win out right. at

Chargers +1 vs. Broncos- It’s a coin flip game and both teams need it. I’ll take the home team.

Last Week- 4-10
Season- 33-41-3

Week 5 NFL Picks

Cardinals -1.5 at Rams- The Cardinals hadn’t lost yet (3-1 ATS), so I was either going to keep picking them to win or keep picking them to lose. I took the wrong path.

at Redskins +3 vs. Falcons- Robert Griffin III is 4th in the NFL with a 103.2 quarterback rating. Andrew Luck is 24th with a QB rating of 75.4. Don’t you feel like we’d be hearing a lottt more about Luck if those numbers were reversed? By the way, I’m 0-4 picking Falcons games against the spread so far, so I’ll take the points and hope they finally lose.

at Steelers -3.5 vs. Eagles- The Eagles have won three coin flip games so far this season (1 point wins over Cleveland and Baltimore and last week’s 2 point win over the Giants), but their luck will run out this week against a well rested Pittsburgh team who will finally have the services of James Harrison and Rashard Mendenhall.

Packers -7 at Colts- The Green Bay offense sure seems to be clicking now, although they did play the porous Saints defense last week, and I don’t think Andrew Luck has enough around him to get into a shoot out with Rodgers.

Browns +8 at Giants- This line opened at 10, so the public likes the Browns, which means that I should be all over my Giants, but these are the type of games that the G-Men struggle with. I see a 21-17 Big Blue win, but it’s going to be an ugly affair in the swamps of northern New Jersey.

at Vikings -6 vs. Titans- It’s hard to believe that the Vikings are 6 point favorites against anyone after the season they had last year, but they have something going with Ponder, Percy, and Peterson. Throw in the fact that they wear purple and there’s alliteration everywhere. The only way the Titans win is if Matt Hasselbeck lights it up because Chris Johnson will be going nowhere against the stout Vikings rush defense.

at Bengals -3 vs. Dolphins- Miami has been a lot better than I thought, but I think Cincinnati’s the better team and they’re at home.

Ravens -6.5 at Chiefs- I’m 0-4 picking Kansas City games this year, so clearly I have absolutely no read on that team. The Ravens have had 10 days off and they know they didn’t play well against the Browns, so I expect to see a heavy dose of Ray Rice in a Ravens rout. (Someone stop the alliteration)

Seahawks +2.5 at Panthers- I continue to think that people over value the Panthers because they’re aware of how dynamic Cam Newton is. Carolina is 1-3 and their one win came against the winless Saints. I’ll gladly take the points and the better team.

at Jaguars +6 vs. Bears- It’s a short week for the Bears who are still riding high off their Monday night win in Dallas. This game has let down written all over it.

at Patriots -6.5 vs. Broncos- The expectation is that it’ll be a close game with the Brady vs. Manning hype, but I see the Patriots pulling away in the 2nd half and winning 34-21.

at 49ers -10 vs. Bills- I usually take the points with double digit spreads, but I don’t see the Bills offense getting much done on the road in San Francisco.

Chargers +3.5 at Saints- The crowd will be electric with Sean Payton in the building and Drew Brees trying to break Johnny Unitas’ record, but until they win a game I can’t, in good conscience, lay more than a field goal.

Texans -9 at Jets- They can’t make this line high enough. The Jets offense has zero chance of moving the ball against the Texans defense. This game has all the makings of a blow out followed by a full week of “should Tebow start in Week 6 against the Colts?”

Last week- 8-6-1
Season- 29-31-3