Change Over Time

As far as most people my age are concerned they haven’t changed a lick since high school. When they look into the mirror it’s hard for them to notice how much different they actually look because change is a gradual process. The incremental nature of the change in our physical appearance is almost impossible to perceive because the difference is so miniscule on a day to day basis. When you add up all the slivers of change over the years (9 years since high school), though, it’s rather substantial. The same can be said for our personalities.

The physical changes are easier to prove. Sometimes we can see it in pictures. There are a few still frames from my college days where I almost don’t believe that it’s me in them. Other times we can see it in the way we view those younger than us. By this I mean that when we were 21-22 it was a lot easier to point out others that were of a similar age. Now at 26-27 (my birthday is on Thursday- I’ll expect a Facebook post from all of you) it’s a lot more difficult to accurately point out those that are 21-22. I was recently at a Fairfield University basketball game (let’s go Stags) and everyone in the student section looked like they were 14-16. It’s a lot more challenging to notice how our disposition shifts over the course of time.

Last April I wrote about how it took me roughly 12 years to realize that I do not have all of the answers. This process, believe it or not, is called maturity. When I was 17, 21, and 25 I was brash, arrogant, and overly critical of others. Nowadays I’m still confident, but much more measured in my actions and commentary of those around me.  

This maturation, of course, is easy for me to admit to because it reflects positively on my current self. I’m sure there are plenty of ways that I’ve changed (or not changed) for the worse. In these instances the admission of an evolving personality is much harder for all of us.

We like to think that we’ve been a certain way our entire lives. I’ve always been patient. I’ve always been a procrastinator. I’ve never been one to disparage others. It’s just my nature to be lazy. I’ve learned that these absolutes are largely untrue. Saying things like that just makes it easier for us to rationalize present day actions and decisions. If you’ve always been a procrastinator it’s easier to put off a work assignment until the last minute. The thing is, though, there have definitely been plenty of times when you’ve gotten out in front of something. It could have been when you planned a vacation or did your Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving. Ipso facto, waiting until the last minute to do something is not something that’s ingrained in you. You make the choice every time.

I don’t mean to suggest that there aren’t any values that people hold true to throughout their lives. Some people are more honest, trustworthy, respectful, and loyal than others. These qualities are definitely admirable, but I think that everyone is capable of them. For example, I pride myself on being a patient person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get irritated. I get annoyed allll the time. I just choose not to reflect that frustration outwardly. I have to constantly remind myself to be patient so that I don’t lose my cool. Some fundamental character traits remain (relatively) the same over time, but they are still malleable. Case in point, “loyal” people cheat on their spouses all the time. In some respects they are still “loyal” (not to their spouse- maybe to their friends or their company) regardless of their extramarital dalliances.

I think it’s tough for people my age to admit that they’ve changed because they’ve gotten used to being characterized a certain way their entire lives. People have always told me that I’m loud, outgoing, and smart. I still exhibit those qualities, so it would make sense to assume that I haven’t changed in other areas, but I have.

The same holds true when you consider your friends. They’ve all changed immeasurably over the past 8-10 years, but it seems like they haven’t. Back in 2009 I tried to figure out why this was the case. I didn’t exactly have the answer back then, but I think I have a better sense of why this happens now. First, when we reunite with old friends we fall into the same conversational patterns and rhythms that we grew accustomed to back when we saw each other on a more regular basis. We also see our old friends demonstrate some of the same personality traits and idiosyncrasies that we remember from years past. This reinforces the projection of who they are as a person in our minds. They fit the same mold that we have always had for them, so we make the assumption that the rest of their personality is the same as well. We color in the rest, so to speak. We think it’s great that they are “the same”, but if our old friends still acted like they were 18 we’d say, “Wow, you haven’t changed one bit,” and it’d be a negative thing. There’s actually a line in the Pearl Jam song “Elderly Woman Behind A Counter In A Small Town” that speaks to this, “I’ve changed by not changing at all.”

Without knowing that we’re doing it we project a future for our friends in our own minds. For example, I went to a Knicks game with three of my high school friends on Thursday night. When we were 18 I knew that one would work in technology with computers, one would work in management/logistics, and that the third one would work in sales/finance. They also knew that I’d end up working in sports. Because we met each other’s expectations it’d be easy to assume that we had not changed. Your friends are all very different than they were in high school, but if you’re lucky whatever threads you formed back then are strong enough to endure.

Admitting change in some ways is also an admission that you’re an adult. Your entire life people have told you how young you are and how much life you have left in front of you. They tell you that they wish they could be your age again. One day, though, you stop being so young. You get to the point where some people still perceive you as young, but others look to you for advice and guidance. It’s a weird spot to be in. I’m now officially in my late 20’s. I still feel like a kid, but I’m clearly an adult. Coming to grips with this is not easy. It’s challenging because being young seems a lot cooler than being old. Everyone romanticizes the past. They look back at the “good old days” and wish they could be that age again. It’s a weird parallel because when you’re young (at least when you’re in your teenage years) you look ahead to the days when you’ll be considered an adult.

I don’t think I’ll really feel like an adult until I’m married and/or have children. In fact, I once referred to the five milestones that psychologists point to when discussing the transition to adulthood- completing school, leaving the house, becoming financially independent, marrying, and having a child. I’ve accomplished the first three, but the last two still seem like they are a long way away. You obviously don’t have to knock off all five before you’re officially an adult (like I said, I’m clearly an adult right now), but doing so helps convince others (and ourselves) that you are.

Birthdays naturally lend themselves to self reflection (something that I don’t think we do enough) and even though my youth is officially over I feel like I’m in a good place in my life. Two and a half years ago, when I attempted to assess the angst of twenty-somethings I wrote the following:

"The decisions and actions that will make us true adults are on the horizon, but we're scared of heading in that direction. We won't ask ourselves the tough questions because we hope that the answers will just make themselves apparent to us. We just keep prodding along assuming that we'll figure it all out sooner or later. It hasn't even crossed my mind. I'm years away from that. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Well guess what? We're almost at the bridge. So start thinking about the answers to the questions that will eventually shape who you are and who you become.”

Re-reading that passage is both terrifying and encouraging (and a reminder that I used to be a halfway decent writer); however now that I’m almost 27 I think I’m less afraid of the monumental changes that are still yet to be determined in my life. I wouldn’t say that I’m willing to embrace them with open arms, but the feeling is more of an optimistic anxiety.