Friendship

This past weekend one of my closest friends from high school got married. Browny, as he will henceforth be referred to as, was the second of our group to get hitched (the first is actually a father already). Lucky number three will take place next month.

As the weekend’s festivities progressed I got to thinking about my relationship with my oldest friends. I hardly keep in touch with any of them (guys don’t do the day to day upkeep like girls, especially when there’s a 250 mile barrier involved), but of course that goes both ways. We used to joke that we weren’t really friends at all, just drinking buddies. I have said on numerous occasions that if you took professional and high level collegiate sports out of the picture I definitely wouldn’t be friends with a few of my high school friends. What I realized this weekend is that these relationships, although they’ve admittedly faded, are, in fact, rock solid.

I’ve recently posited that one’s college friends are more genuine in the sense that you get to choose from a larger pool. In high school your friends are your friends because you live close to one another (not the case for private school kids like me, but I’m talking in generalities). Your options are very limited. College is a four year weeding out process where kids wind up with friends that are usually the most similar to them. Sure, many college friendships happen because kids lived on the same floor freshman year, but many of those proximity based connections dissolve before graduation. High school friendships are also largely proximity based, but they’re harder to separate from. Plus, the area that you bond over is your hometown. That connection is as strong as they come. Every time you think of home (a place both parties presumably love) you’ll most likely think of times spent with these home town friends.

What gives high school friendships the leg up is that these people have known you longer and have seen you at your best and at your worst as you’ve gone from an awkward teenager to a mature adult. They grew up with you and experienced many of the same trials and tribulations along the way. This knowledge base allows them to understand you better than almost anyone else. College friends met up with you a few years into your journey- after you had conquered some hurdles. That’s not to say that college friendships can’t be closer than those formed in high school (they can). It’s just that it’s less common. I’ve recently been asking people (cousins, friends, co-workers, acquaintances) who they are closer with- their high school friends or their college friends. So far, roughly 80% have said that they consider themselves to be closer with their high school friends. I don’t know which way I’d lean, but this weekend re-affirmed the strong ties that I’ll always have with my friends back home.

The relationship that I examined the most while I was back in the Syracuse area was the one I have with Browny. This makes sense. After all, he was the one who got married. We met in 7th grade as members of the modified football team and have been friends ever since. When I think of our friendship the following stories/themes come to mind.

- Whenever I’m at a restaurant and someone mentions that they don’t know what to order I launch right into the following Browny story. Browny, our friend Hermo, and I were drinking at Browny’s apartment one day in the Summer of 2008. We decided to get dinner at a local watering hole known as the Blarney Stone. I had never eaten there before, so as we approached the counter to place our orders I mentioned how I didn’t know what to get.

Browny, perhaps sensing the “please help me” tone in my voice, said, “What do you get at Pizza Hut?”

“Pizza.”

He continued, “What do you get at Wings?”

Sensing a theme I replied, “Wings.”

“What do you get when you go to Tully’s?”

“The Tully Tenders.”

“What do you get when you go to the Blarney Stone?”

Stumped (and hammered) I answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

“You get the Blarney burger!”

The lesson here, kids, is that if you’re ever unsure about what to get go with the item on the menu that incorporates the name of the restaurant.

- Devoted readers of the blog (are there any?) may remember that Browny is the friend of mine who shares my devotion to and understanding of social etiquette. He is the one I turn to when I don’t know how to act in a given situation. We regularly critique how each of us handled a particularly dicey scenario. The most recent social etiquette question that I wrote about took place just under two years ago and can be found here.

- Browny was the person to know at the bar for the better part of the last decade. He routinely spent in excess of $300 just to make sure that all of his friends were having a good time. On my 21st birthday he bought a round for the entire bar…and then another one for everyone except for me (dubbed the “fuck the birthday boy” shot). His generosity extended well beyond the bar scene. He does things and buys things for others and expects nothing in return. It’s really amazing to behold. In life there are givers, takers, and matchers. Givers give, takers take, and matches give only to get something back in return. Browny is a giver.

I am not; however in college a friend once told me how they loved how I always bought the first round whenever we got to bar. This was almost certainly a result of my dealings with Browny. If I didn’t get him a drink right from the start there was no way that he’d allow me to get him one later.

- Browny is an incredible athlete. He played football and basketball in high school and was very good in both. He may not have been the star of either team, but he was definitely one of the hardest workers. He was one of those heady basketball players that always made the right pass, only took shots when he was supposed to, and hustled his ass off. He did all of the little things to make the team go. Whenever I play pickup basketball with him I feel pressure to live up to his expectations. If I don’t go all out or if I turn the ball over (a frequent occurrence) a simple look from Browny is all I need to know that I have to play harder and smarter. His glares of disappointment make me want to be better. I may not have the skills to do so, but I can certainly give more effort and minimize my mistakes.

- Not only is Browny an incredible athlete, he’s also an incredible teammate in lawn, table, and board games. Over the years we have been partners in numerous games (corn hole, beer pong, Guesstures, KanJam, etc.) and have fared rather well. Whenever strategy was involved (for example- if one of us wanted to shoot at a lone cup in beer pong) and we disagreed about what to do, all the person shooting/playing/tossing had to say was “faith in a friend” and the other backed off and put their trust in the other. Over time this phrase has transcended lawn, table, and board games. Nowadays it’s more of a way to acknowledge their concern about something, but to reassure them that we know what we’re doing.

- Another phrase that helps define my friendship with Browny comes from the Kid Rock song “All Summer Long”. The lyric, which I just learned is on Browny’s Instagram profile, is “It’s the simple things in life like when and where.” Shortly after this song was released we commented on how this phrase sums up many of the friendships that we have with kids from high school. All we need to say is when and where and our friends will be there at the drop of a hat. Texts like “Browns at 7”, “I’m having some drinks at my house around 8”, or “At Suds” were and continue to be common occurrences.

- Browny once said, “I have enough friends. I don’t need anymore,” with such conviction that it made me really digest his words. Too often people want everyone to like them. They go out of their way to placate to the personalities of others. I actually think doing so is my greatest skill in life (making others think that I like them), but it shouldn’t be done simply to make others like you. Browny’s message, whether he knew it or not, was that he’s completely comfortable in his own skin (and he is). He’s going to be who he is and if you don’t like it then it won’t bother him. He has enough people in his life that appreciate him for his true self and that’s all he needs. Now he’s found his better half and I wish the two of them nothing but the best.