In search of a 'clean up' hitter

So one of our favorite/only emailers sent me this link in an email and titled it "maybe not for the blog, but just for your own peace of mind."

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443892,00.html

He couldn't have been further from the truth. That story, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely what this blog is about.

Which brings me to the offensive display that two friends and I put on this morning. A bathroom in the outskirts of Fairfield, CT was destroyed by a string of gastric torpedos from approximately 10:30 to 11:00 a.m. eastern standard time. Call it what you will, whether it be unleashing tear gas or just simply reducing our blood pressure, this 3 man murderer's row combined to create one of the most rank, putrid, wonderfully unpleasant, smelly, juicy, steamy, and unbearable odors to strike the eastern seaboard in some time. Sure enough a group of 10 females waltzed in literally moments after The Stan Man had put the finishing touches in the recipe of gaseous fury. Obviously no fan, spray, or potpourri could contain the invisible and extremely potent monster. While I have you thinking about the invisibility of some odors, an unnamed cousin and I have thought for a long time that the world would be a much better place if the gases unleashed in farts were actually clouds of green smoke.

It was at this point that I thought that a product that could instantaneously eliminate unwanted olfactory sensations would make loads of money. But after letting the thought of that colossal aroma seep in for a few hours, I have decided that I do not want that product at all.

What I do want, is to find an individual out there who's gastro intestinal capabilities are so powerfully putrid that they could reverse the damage that my friends and I caused. What I really want is for someone to hit 4th in our occasionally liquid lineup. This is not something that any Joe Fart out there can do. I'm looking for a commitment. Baked beans for breakfast, Mexican for lunch, and a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich for dinner. Don't think for a second that just because this is a baseball lineup, so to speak, that juicing is prohibited. Quite frankly, it is encouraged. We need as many gastric juices as we can. Not for nothing, we'd certainly score a lot of runs.

I'll be accepting applications until the end of the year.