About a month ago I read a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. As I've mentioned time and time again on various platforms, it was the first time since August of 2000 that I had read a book written by a female author ("Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"). I'm a little disappointed that I didn't make it a full decade, but "The Happiness Project" was well worth the read. The novel falls into the recently dubbed genre of stunt non-fiction. Stunt non-fiction is when the author does something for an extended period of time (usually a year) with the intention of writing a book about the experience. In the case of "The Happiness Project", Rubin dedicated a year to becoming a happier person. She called it, "My year-long quest to be happier by changing my life-without changing my life."
In the book Rubin highlighted specific areas of her life that she wanted to improve. Each month she attempted a handful of stategies in the hopes of improving her happiness with regards to one of these areas (her energy, marriage, work, parenthood, friendships, etc.). Naturally some of these strategies worked and some of them completely backfired. For example, in her attempt to boost her energy she decided to go to sleep earlier, excercise better, remove the clutter from her life, write and complete an extensive to do list including all of the nagging tasks that people consistently put off, and simply to act more energetic. Overall the book provides the reader with ample suggestions on how to become a happier person even if they already consider themselves to be happy.
Since reading the book I've tried to apply many of Rubin's strategies to my own life with mixed results. One specific area that I wanted to address was my sleep. Four of my friends and I are a part of a daily email thread. They all work normal hours so by the time I crawl out of bed and check my email they've usually gone back and forth on a few topics. Usually someone will specifically direct a question to me and someone else will respond by saying not to expect a response from me until about 11:30-11:45, which is very accurate. Now I like to sleep just like everybody else, but I've started to feel that if I sleep too late (past 11 a.m.) I'm wasting my time. I'm under the impression that if I wake up earlier I can be much more productive with my time before heading off to work around 4.
Around the same time that I read "The Happiness Project" I also read an article about sleep in Men's Journal written by two time NBA MVP Steve Nash. The Canadian sensation suggested that everyone keep a sleep journal. No, not a dream diary. I'll let Nash explain:
"I write down the time I go to sleep each night and the time I wake up. Here’s why: Research suggests that our sleep needs are cumulative. If humans generally perform best after eight hours of slumber, you can’t sleep for six hours one night and think that a good eight hours the next will cure all your problems. Theoretically, you’d need 10 hours the next night to “catch up on sleep” so that over the two nights you’re averaging eight hours. This is called sleep debt. By keeping a journal, I can look back and see how much debt I’m putting myself into. If it’s bad, the journal shocks me into making sure I get to bed plenty early — even if I’m not tired — since I know it will come back to haunt me later on."
Ever since I read this article I have been charting my sleep. What can I say? Nash is a convincing guy.
Now some people have said, "Well how do you know what time you fall asleep?" Obviously I don't. I usually read before I go to sleep, so right before I turn the light off I look at the clock and write down whatever time it is. So I guess, in theory, I'm actually charting the amount of time that my eyes are closed (shut-eye) and I will say that I can't recall any of those dreaded nights where you can't fall asleep and you're constantly tossing and turning.
Well it's been about a month and half and I've finally calculated the numbers. I transferred my handwritten document into an excel spreadsheet and figured out the average time I go to sleep, the average time I wake up, and the average amount of hours of sleep that I get each night.
Before I get to the numbers I would like to remind those of you that don't know that I usually work until about 1:30 a.m., so I typically don't get back to my apartment until about 2 a.m. Also, on weekend nights where I've gone out I have guestimated my actual bed times, but I believe that they are very accurate.
Now for some numbers.....
The earliest that I've gone to bed- 12:57 a.m.
The latest that I've gone to bed- 3:42 a.m.
The earliest that I've woken up- 7:31 a.m.
The latest that I've woken up- 11:45 a.m.
The least amount of sleep that I've gotten in one night- 4 hours and 53 minutes (Saturday March 20th)
The most amount of sleep that I've gotten in one night- 9 hours and 57 minutes (Sunday March 21st)
The amount of times that I have gone to bed before 1 a.m.- 1
The amount of times that I have gone to bed before 2 a.m.- 13
The amount of times that I've woken up before 10 a.m.- 6
The amount of times that I've woken up after 11 a.m.- 14
My average bed time- 2:29 a.m.
My average wake up time- 10:29 a.m.
The average amount of sleep I get per night (you don't have to be a math major to figure this one out)- 8 hours and zero minutes
Apparently I need my 8 hours like this guy in one of my favorite commercials going needs his coffee.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
March Madness
Now that the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament are complete I can finally get back in the business of blogging. These past 4 days have been absolutely wild. The upsets, the close calls, the buzzer beaters. It's no wonder that many well respected people in the sports media refer to this past weekend as the best 4 days of the year in sports. The NCAA tournament literally takes over the national spotlight. It's pretty crazy even if you only think about it from that standpoint. Everywhere you look the games are on. Everywhere you go people are talking about their brackets.
With the field of 65 on the minds of most Americans, you also start to see some non-sports related brackets. In fact, on Thursday my brother Pat sent me a link to this bracket of Seinfeld characters. I loved the idea, but it was so poorly put together that I decided to make my own. My version of the bracket looks awesome in Paint, but it doesn't translate well to the format of this blog so you're just going to have to make do with how I've laid it out for you. Now when it comes to my picks, there isn't much of a method to this version of March Madness. I sort of just went with which character I like more, or which character I think is funnier, or what character is more relevant, etc.
And now without further ado:
Monk’s Region (Picture your bracket. This region would be the one on the top left of the page)
(1) Jerry Seinfeld
(16) Slippery Pete
(8) Gillian (man hands)
(9) Joe Mayo
(5) Mr./Mrs. Ross
(12) Jimmy
(4) Estelle Costanza
(13) Mr. Lippman
(6) Sue Ellen Mishke
(11) Mr. Bookman
(3) J Peterman
(14) Kevin/Gene/Feldman
(7) Jack Klompus
(10) Russell Dalrimple
(2) David Puddy
(15) Tony the mimbo
Reggies’s Region (bottom left)
(1) George Costanza
(16) Pam
(8) Mr. Pitt
(9) Donna Chang
(5) Tim Whatley
(12) Franklin Delano Romanowski
(4) George Steinbrenner
(13) Darin the intern
(6) The Soup Nazi
(11) Jake Jarmel
(3) Uncle Leo
(14) Nina
(7) Marla the virgin
(10) Crazy Joe Devola
(2) Susan Ross
(15) Claire (hellllooo)
Mendy’s Region (top right)
(1) Kramer
(16) Fragile Frankie Merman
(8) The Maestro
(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)
(5) Mickey Abbott
(12) Little Jerry
(4) Morty Seinfeld
(13) Rachel
(6) Lloyd Braun
(11) Dolores (Mulva)
(3) Jackie Chiles
(14) Miss Rhode Island
(7) Babu
(10) Stan the caddy
(2) Frank Costanza
(15) Todd Gack
Kenny Roger’s Region (bottom right)
(1) Elaine Benes
(16) Jane (Erika)
(8) Bob/Cedric
(9) Poppie
(5) Helen Seinfeld
(12) The Drake
(4) Kenny Bania
(13) Izzy Mandelbaum
(6) Keith Hernandez
(11) Jack (The Wiz)
(3) Kruger
(14) Bob Sacamano
(7) Mr. Wilhelm
(10) Ping
(2) Newman
(15) Tony the mechanic
So there's the empty bracket. If you want to fill one out, but don't want to be skewed by my picks, then do so now. I'll wait.....
OK, here are my region by region picks, which are then followed by my picks for the Final Four and Finals.
Monk's Region
First Round
(1) Jerry over (16) Slippery Pete- Slippery Pete won’t be able to find the few holes in Jerry’s game.
(8) Gillian (man hands) over (9) Joe Mayo-No chance that Mayo will be able to stop her from tapping on the glass.
(12) Jimmy over (5) Mr./Mrs. Ross- "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."
(4) Estelle Costanza over (13) Mr. Lippman- She won't be giving out the water pick here.
(6) Sue Ellen Mishke over (11) Mr. Bookman- It’s hard to get Bookman rattled, but Mishke’s free swinging, freewheeling attitude just might do it.
(3) J Peterman over (14) Kevin-Gene-Feldman- If they can't handle an Elaine push, there's no way that the bizzaro group can hang with Peterman's experience.
(7) Jack Klompus over (10) Russell Dalrimple- I have a funny feeling that Dalrimple’s pregame meal of pasta primavera might slow him down a bit.
(2) Puddy over (15) Tony the mimbo- Puddy may be a recovering germaphobe who listens to Christian rock, but there's no way he loses to a male bimbo, even if that male bimbo has "a perfect face."
Second Round
(1) Jerry over (8) Gillian (man hands)- “It’s not a twist off.”
(12) Jimmy over (4) Estelle Costanza- Jimmy’s real sweet on making it to the Sweet 16 and he can thank his sneakers for getting him there.
(3) J Peterman over (6) Sue Ellen Mishke- Peterman’s gameplan- “Here's the angle: Zelda Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this (a bra as a top) at wild parties, driving all the men crazy.”
(2) Puddy over (7) Jack Klompus- Puddy’s a face painter. Do you really think he’s going to lose to an old man?
Regional Semifinals
(1) Jerry over (12) Jimmy- "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.”
(2) Puddy over (3) J Peterman- Peterman's downfall may be his past affliction with drug use. He first got hooked on white lotus/yam-yam/Shanghai Sally in 1979 travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. He got to the market after sundown and all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," the trader said. That was all it took.
Regional Finals
(2) Puddy over (1) Jerry- Puddy changed his whole offensive scheme after Jerry called him a hack for using his move (even though he did the pinch at the end instead of the swirl) and his new stuff is just as effective.
Reggie's Region
First Round
(1) George Costanza over (16) Pam- Jerry and Kramer might be gaga over Pam, but Costanza’s isn’t. He’s ruthless.
(9) Donna Chang over (8) Mr. Pitt-With his socks not fitting perfectly there’s no chance that Mr. Pitt will be able to focus.
(5) Tim Whatley over (12) FDR- Even a snowball to the face won't stop Whatley. In fact, he might re-gift the snowball and beat FDR at his own game.
(4) George Steinbrenner over (13) Darin the intern- Close one, but I had to side with the Big Stein.
(6) The Soup Nazi over (11) Jake Jarmel- Jarmel will be too concerned about his glasses to get past The Soup Nazi’s stingy defense.
(3) Uncle Leo over (14) Nina- Nina might be a smooth conversationalist, but Uncle Leo is all awkward pauses.
(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (7) Marla the virgin- “SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!”
(15) Claire (Helllo) over (2) Susan Ross- Good bye Susannn, la la la.
Second Round
(1) George Costanza over (9) Donna Chang- Costanza will show no mercy as his parents almost got divorced because she isn’t Chinese.
(5) Tim Whatley over (4) George Steinbrenner- Ken Phelps’ bat isn’t good enough to get past Whatley.
(3) Uncle Leo over (6) The Soup Nazi- Jerry….H-E-L-L-O
(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (15) Claire (Helllo)- “I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la.”
Regional Semi Finals
(1) George Costanza over (5) Tim Whatley- Oh, this team has got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the ying-yang!
(3) Uncle Leo over (10) Crazy Joe Devola- “A man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.”
Regional Finals
(1) George Costanza over (3) Uncle Leo- “Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.”
Mendy's Region
First Round
(1) Kramer over (16) Fragile Frankie Merman- Start digging the hole, the K Man will TCB in this one.
(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher) over (8) The Maestro- This team is real and they’re spectacular.
(5) Mickey Abbott over (12) Little Jerry- Little Jerry may be a lean, mean pecking machine, but Mickey flips the switch like few teams in the tournament.
(4) Morty Seinfeld over (13) Rachel- No one makes out with Morty’s son during Schindler’s List.
(6) Lloyd Braun over (11) Dolores (Mulva)- Braun is one of the streakiest teams in the field. His A game is top notch (an advisor to Mayor Dinkins), but he may also be mentally unstable.
(3) Jackie Chiles over (14) Miss Rhode Island- I can see Jackie becoming outraged at only being a #3 seed (even though it may be too generous). "It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"
(10) Stan the caddy over (7) Babu- “You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup.”
(2) Frank Costanza over (15) Todd Gack- You want a piece of Frank? “You got it!”
Second Round
(1) Kramer over (9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)- Sidra may have a great rack, but Kramer is the ASSMAN. Plus, he has the kavorka...the lure of the animal.
(4) Morty Seinfeld over (5) Mickey Abbott- The world’s #1 dad survives and advances.
(6) Lloyd Braun over (3) Jackie Chiles- Jackie may be too busy focusing on other teams (Sidra) in the region.
(2) Frank Costanza over (10) Stan the caddy- He’s like a Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Regional Semi Finals
(1) Kramer over (4) Morty Seinfeld- When an opponent becomes difficult he “quones” them.
(2) Frank Costanza over (6) Lloyd Braun- “Serenity now. Insanity later.” Frank might explode on Braun and turn this one into a literal blow out.
Regional Finals
(1) Kramer over (2) Frank Costanza- It’s the bro, not the mansierre.
Kenny Roger's Region
First Round
(1) Elaine Benes over (16) Jane/Erika- Jane might get out to an early lead, but Elaine will take over in the second half and show no mercy. She won’t even spare a square.
(8) Bob/Cedric over (9) Poppie- Poppie’s been known to have controversial stances, so let’s hope he’s in favor of gay marriage or else this one might get ugly.
(12) The Drake over (5) Helen Seinfeld- I love the Drake.
(4) Kenny Bania over (13) Izzy Mandelbaum- “You think you’re better than me? It’s go time.” Sorry Izzy, but Bania’s got you beat.
(11) Jack (the Wiz) over (6) Keith Hernandez- Nobody beats him.
(3) Kruger over (14) Bob Sacamano- “K-uger, that sounds like one of them old time car horns, eh? K-UGER! K-UGER!”
(7) Mr. Wilhelm over (10) Ping- From what I hear, Mr. Wilhelm is pretty good from downtown.
(2) Newman over (15) Tony the mechanic- Newman. The white whale! “I’ll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.”
Second Round
(1) Elaine Benes over (8) Bob/Cedric- Upset alert because Elaine eats big salads and Bob/Cedric toss them? “Get out!”
(4) Kenny Bania over (12) The Drake- I hate the Drake.
(3) Kruger over (11) Jack (the Wiz)- “Kruger, my son tells me that your company stinks!” Others may be low on Kruger, but not me.
(2) Newman over (7) Mr. Wilhelm-
Elaine- “Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.”
Jerry- “No. There’s less.”
Regional Semi Finals
(4) Kenny Bania over (1) Elaine Benes- He went from a size 40 suit to a 42. He’s huge.
(2) Newman over (3) Kruger- “Pretty hot under these lights, eh?”
Regional Finals
(2) Newman over (4) Kenny Bania- When you control the mail, you control... information.
Final Four
(1) George Costanza over (2) David Puddy- An opposing coach once said of Costanza’s strategy, “It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.” This is what he does.
(1) Kramer over (2) Newman- Not only did Kramer have that game of Risk in the bag, but he also knows his opponent very well.
KRAMER: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
NEWMAN: What're you talking about...
KRAMER: Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
NEWMAN: All right, so it's me. So what?
KRAMER: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting
alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
NEWMAN: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
KRAMER: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
NEWMAN: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
KRAMER: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
NEWMAN: Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading)
Help me Kramer! Help me!
Finals
(1) George Costanza over (1) Kramer- He’s disturbed, he’s depressed, he’s inadequate, he’s got it all!
What do you think of my bracket? Did I snub anyone? What about my picks? Am I all chalk? Can Costanza be beaten?
With the field of 65 on the minds of most Americans, you also start to see some non-sports related brackets. In fact, on Thursday my brother Pat sent me a link to this bracket of Seinfeld characters. I loved the idea, but it was so poorly put together that I decided to make my own. My version of the bracket looks awesome in Paint, but it doesn't translate well to the format of this blog so you're just going to have to make do with how I've laid it out for you. Now when it comes to my picks, there isn't much of a method to this version of March Madness. I sort of just went with which character I like more, or which character I think is funnier, or what character is more relevant, etc.
And now without further ado:
Monk’s Region (Picture your bracket. This region would be the one on the top left of the page)
(1) Jerry Seinfeld
(16) Slippery Pete
(8) Gillian (man hands)
(9) Joe Mayo
(5) Mr./Mrs. Ross
(12) Jimmy
(4) Estelle Costanza
(13) Mr. Lippman
(6) Sue Ellen Mishke
(11) Mr. Bookman
(3) J Peterman
(14) Kevin/Gene/Feldman
(7) Jack Klompus
(10) Russell Dalrimple
(2) David Puddy
(15) Tony the mimbo
Reggies’s Region (bottom left)
(1) George Costanza
(16) Pam
(8) Mr. Pitt
(9) Donna Chang
(5) Tim Whatley
(12) Franklin Delano Romanowski
(4) George Steinbrenner
(13) Darin the intern
(6) The Soup Nazi
(11) Jake Jarmel
(3) Uncle Leo
(14) Nina
(7) Marla the virgin
(10) Crazy Joe Devola
(2) Susan Ross
(15) Claire (hellllooo)
Mendy’s Region (top right)
(1) Kramer
(16) Fragile Frankie Merman
(8) The Maestro
(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)
(5) Mickey Abbott
(12) Little Jerry
(4) Morty Seinfeld
(13) Rachel
(6) Lloyd Braun
(11) Dolores (Mulva)
(3) Jackie Chiles
(14) Miss Rhode Island
(7) Babu
(10) Stan the caddy
(2) Frank Costanza
(15) Todd Gack
Kenny Roger’s Region (bottom right)
(1) Elaine Benes
(16) Jane (Erika)
(8) Bob/Cedric
(9) Poppie
(5) Helen Seinfeld
(12) The Drake
(4) Kenny Bania
(13) Izzy Mandelbaum
(6) Keith Hernandez
(11) Jack (The Wiz)
(3) Kruger
(14) Bob Sacamano
(7) Mr. Wilhelm
(10) Ping
(2) Newman
(15) Tony the mechanic
So there's the empty bracket. If you want to fill one out, but don't want to be skewed by my picks, then do so now. I'll wait.....
OK, here are my region by region picks, which are then followed by my picks for the Final Four and Finals.
Monk's Region
First Round
(1) Jerry over (16) Slippery Pete- Slippery Pete won’t be able to find the few holes in Jerry’s game.
(8) Gillian (man hands) over (9) Joe Mayo-No chance that Mayo will be able to stop her from tapping on the glass.
(12) Jimmy over (5) Mr./Mrs. Ross- "Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."
(4) Estelle Costanza over (13) Mr. Lippman- She won't be giving out the water pick here.
(6) Sue Ellen Mishke over (11) Mr. Bookman- It’s hard to get Bookman rattled, but Mishke’s free swinging, freewheeling attitude just might do it.
(3) J Peterman over (14) Kevin-Gene-Feldman- If they can't handle an Elaine push, there's no way that the bizzaro group can hang with Peterman's experience.
(7) Jack Klompus over (10) Russell Dalrimple- I have a funny feeling that Dalrimple’s pregame meal of pasta primavera might slow him down a bit.
(2) Puddy over (15) Tony the mimbo- Puddy may be a recovering germaphobe who listens to Christian rock, but there's no way he loses to a male bimbo, even if that male bimbo has "a perfect face."
Second Round
(1) Jerry over (8) Gillian (man hands)- “It’s not a twist off.”
(12) Jimmy over (4) Estelle Costanza- Jimmy’s real sweet on making it to the Sweet 16 and he can thank his sneakers for getting him there.
(3) J Peterman over (6) Sue Ellen Mishke- Peterman’s gameplan- “Here's the angle: Zelda Fitzgerald, aaaand, somebody in the 20s, wearing this (a bra as a top) at wild parties, driving all the men crazy.”
(2) Puddy over (7) Jack Klompus- Puddy’s a face painter. Do you really think he’s going to lose to an old man?
Regional Semifinals
(1) Jerry over (12) Jimmy- "Ooohhh!!!!! JIMMY'S DOWN.”
(2) Puddy over (3) J Peterman- Peterman's downfall may be his past affliction with drug use. He first got hooked on white lotus/yam-yam/Shanghai Sally in 1979 travelling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. He got to the market after sundown and all of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," the trader said. That was all it took.
Regional Finals
(2) Puddy over (1) Jerry- Puddy changed his whole offensive scheme after Jerry called him a hack for using his move (even though he did the pinch at the end instead of the swirl) and his new stuff is just as effective.
Reggie's Region
First Round
(1) George Costanza over (16) Pam- Jerry and Kramer might be gaga over Pam, but Costanza’s isn’t. He’s ruthless.
(9) Donna Chang over (8) Mr. Pitt-With his socks not fitting perfectly there’s no chance that Mr. Pitt will be able to focus.
(5) Tim Whatley over (12) FDR- Even a snowball to the face won't stop Whatley. In fact, he might re-gift the snowball and beat FDR at his own game.
(4) George Steinbrenner over (13) Darin the intern- Close one, but I had to side with the Big Stein.
(6) The Soup Nazi over (11) Jake Jarmel- Jarmel will be too concerned about his glasses to get past The Soup Nazi’s stingy defense.
(3) Uncle Leo over (14) Nina- Nina might be a smooth conversationalist, but Uncle Leo is all awkward pauses.
(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (7) Marla the virgin- “SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!”
(15) Claire (Helllo) over (2) Susan Ross- Good bye Susannn, la la la.
Second Round
(1) George Costanza over (9) Donna Chang- Costanza will show no mercy as his parents almost got divorced because she isn’t Chinese.
(5) Tim Whatley over (4) George Steinbrenner- Ken Phelps’ bat isn’t good enough to get past Whatley.
(3) Uncle Leo over (6) The Soup Nazi- Jerry….H-E-L-L-O
(10) Crazy Joe Devola over (15) Claire (Helllo)- “I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la.”
Regional Semi Finals
(1) George Costanza over (5) Tim Whatley- Oh, this team has got cachet, baby! It's got cachet up the ying-yang!
(3) Uncle Leo over (10) Crazy Joe Devola- “A man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business.”
Regional Finals
(1) George Costanza over (3) Uncle Leo- “Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.”
Mendy's Region
First Round
(1) Kramer over (16) Fragile Frankie Merman- Start digging the hole, the K Man will TCB in this one.
(9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher) over (8) The Maestro- This team is real and they’re spectacular.
(5) Mickey Abbott over (12) Little Jerry- Little Jerry may be a lean, mean pecking machine, but Mickey flips the switch like few teams in the tournament.
(4) Morty Seinfeld over (13) Rachel- No one makes out with Morty’s son during Schindler’s List.
(6) Lloyd Braun over (11) Dolores (Mulva)- Braun is one of the streakiest teams in the field. His A game is top notch (an advisor to Mayor Dinkins), but he may also be mentally unstable.
(3) Jackie Chiles over (14) Miss Rhode Island- I can see Jackie becoming outraged at only being a #3 seed (even though it may be too generous). "It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"
(10) Stan the caddy over (7) Babu- “You're close, you're on the green. You just have to go for the cup.”
(2) Frank Costanza over (15) Todd Gack- You want a piece of Frank? “You got it!”
Second Round
(1) Kramer over (9) Sidra (Teri Hatcher)- Sidra may have a great rack, but Kramer is the ASSMAN. Plus, he has the kavorka...the lure of the animal.
(4) Morty Seinfeld over (5) Mickey Abbott- The world’s #1 dad survives and advances.
(6) Lloyd Braun over (3) Jackie Chiles- Jackie may be too busy focusing on other teams (Sidra) in the region.
(2) Frank Costanza over (10) Stan the caddy- He’s like a Phoenix, rising from Arizona.
Regional Semi Finals
(1) Kramer over (4) Morty Seinfeld- When an opponent becomes difficult he “quones” them.
(2) Frank Costanza over (6) Lloyd Braun- “Serenity now. Insanity later.” Frank might explode on Braun and turn this one into a literal blow out.
Regional Finals
(1) Kramer over (2) Frank Costanza- It’s the bro, not the mansierre.
Kenny Roger's Region
First Round
(1) Elaine Benes over (16) Jane/Erika- Jane might get out to an early lead, but Elaine will take over in the second half and show no mercy. She won’t even spare a square.
(8) Bob/Cedric over (9) Poppie- Poppie’s been known to have controversial stances, so let’s hope he’s in favor of gay marriage or else this one might get ugly.
(12) The Drake over (5) Helen Seinfeld- I love the Drake.
(4) Kenny Bania over (13) Izzy Mandelbaum- “You think you’re better than me? It’s go time.” Sorry Izzy, but Bania’s got you beat.
(11) Jack (the Wiz) over (6) Keith Hernandez- Nobody beats him.
(3) Kruger over (14) Bob Sacamano- “K-uger, that sounds like one of them old time car horns, eh? K-UGER! K-UGER!”
(7) Mr. Wilhelm over (10) Ping- From what I hear, Mr. Wilhelm is pretty good from downtown.
(2) Newman over (15) Tony the mechanic- Newman. The white whale! “I’ll tell you a little secret about zip codes: they're meaningless.”
Second Round
(1) Elaine Benes over (8) Bob/Cedric- Upset alert because Elaine eats big salads and Bob/Cedric toss them? “Get out!”
(4) Kenny Bania over (12) The Drake- I hate the Drake.
(3) Kruger over (11) Jack (the Wiz)- “Kruger, my son tells me that your company stinks!” Others may be low on Kruger, but not me.
(2) Newman over (7) Mr. Wilhelm-
Elaine- “Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.”
Jerry- “No. There’s less.”
Regional Semi Finals
(4) Kenny Bania over (1) Elaine Benes- He went from a size 40 suit to a 42. He’s huge.
(2) Newman over (3) Kruger- “Pretty hot under these lights, eh?”
Regional Finals
(2) Newman over (4) Kenny Bania- When you control the mail, you control... information.
Final Four
(1) George Costanza over (2) David Puddy- An opposing coach once said of Costanza’s strategy, “It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.” This is what he does.
(1) Kramer over (2) Newman- Not only did Kramer have that game of Risk in the bag, but he also knows his opponent very well.
KRAMER: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are.
You're the scofflaw.
NEWMAN: What're you talking about...
KRAMER: Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
NEWMAN: All right, so it's me. So what?
KRAMER: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day?
Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting
alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
NEWMAN: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
KRAMER: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
NEWMAN: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
KRAMER: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
NEWMAN: Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. (pleading)
Help me Kramer! Help me!
Finals
(1) George Costanza over (1) Kramer- He’s disturbed, he’s depressed, he’s inadequate, he’s got it all!
What do you think of my bracket? Did I snub anyone? What about my picks? Am I all chalk? Can Costanza be beaten?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"These are my friends?!?"
Happy belated St. Patrick's day to you and yours. I'm 50% Irish and I am all about my heritage, although I don't like mashed potatoes and I order my corned beef sandwiches on white bread instead of rye. Unfortunately I didn't get the chance to throw back some Guinness last evening because I was at work, but I did get to celebrate 12 days ago in Hoboken, NJ.
The following is an account of the events of that day (to the best of my recollection). The night before (or as we called it, the semi-finals), 10 people stayed in my cousin's apartment. He has two roommates and each of them had a friend stay over in their respective rooms. With my cousin, in his room, was our friend Tyler. The remaining 4 of us (many of whom you will remember from my Friends before Fame post) were relegated to the living room. Max and Pete shared a large couch, Glancy, who flew in from Chicago, slept on a smaller couch, and I slept on the floor.
7:00 a.m.- Max's alarm goes off. Pete and I have nightmares about Glancy's alarm clock ringing for hours on end during our junior year of college.
7:03 a.m.- For the third time in a matter of 2 minutes Max turns the bath water on and quickly turns it off. Clearly he can't figure out how to turn the shower on.
7:04 a.m.- Max goes into my cousin's room and asks him how to get the shower going. Trust me when I tell you that this is the last time that Max will ever need any help getting something going.
7:55 a.m.- I wake up and make a bee line for the toilet.
7:59 a.m.- Dump #1 of the day is complete.
8:12 a.m.- After showering and getting dressed I notice that Max has gotten bagels. Yahtzee.
8:25 a.m.- I crack my first of what will be many brews of the day.
8:26 a.m.- I'm hammered.
10:07 a.m.- Kyle Korver, who I haven't seen for nearly a year, and Robby show up with Korver's girlfriend and her friend.
10:32 a.m.- Korver and I have been in a college basketball pool, called the most dangerous game, all year where we've picked 10 games against the spread for each week of the season (my buddy runs it on his website). It's the last day of the pool and there are four games to pick. Korver is in first place by 2 games. I am in last place. If he gets 2 out of his 4 picks correct he will win $1000. After looking at the lines I encourage him to make the following picks (in caps)....
SYRACUSE +1.5 @ Louisville
West Virginia @ VILLANOVA -2.5
Texas @ BAYLOR -2.5
Kansas @ MISSOURI +3
11:13 a.m.- Three of our friends from college are having a party at their apartment, which is a few blocks away, so we decide to go.
11:27 a.m.- Within a minute of entering the party I somehow find myself participating in a 3 on 3 game of rapid fire (3 on 3 rapid fire seemed to replace the more traditional 2 on 2 beer pong during our senior year of college).
12:08 p.m.- For the third time in the past half an hour someone tries to pour beer into the tiny mug hanging from my necklace.
12:42 p.m.- Four girls that graduated from Fairfield the year after me (3 of which I have never met) proceed to tell me how great of a writer I was in college.
12:56 p.m.- Friend X tells me how they made $30,000 the previous Friday, but not to tell anyone about it.
1:12 p.m.- A friend introduces me to a kid that works for the NFL Network. My friend has undoubtedly just met the kid, yet he is pretending to be best friends with him (and with me for that matter). The kid who works for the NFL Network is very bald (I assume it's due to chemotherapy) and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.
1:15 p.m.- A girl I knew in college interrupts my forced conversation with the kid from the NFL Network and says nothing of any relative importance. I assume that she found herself standing alone with no one to talk to amidst a crowded party and just latched onto the closest person she saw (me).
1:31 p.m.- Back to the beer pong table (interesting that it's still called a beer pong table even though we were playing 3 on 3 rapid fire) where I completely let my female teammates down because I'm distracted by my cousin's highschool friends who ask me why I borrowed my sister's hat.
For the record, I got the green, Jameson Irish Whiskey hat for free the weekend before in a bar in Boston.
2:11 p.m.- Villanova has lost to West Virginia by 2 in overtime which means that Kyle Korver and I are 0-1 on the day. The Syracuse game is in the opening minutes.
2:20 p.m.- I give up trying to watch the Syracuse game while sitting on the couch because the people that are standing around a different beer pong table (watching with a rooting interest?) keep getting in my line of sight.
2:35 p.m.- While standing approximately 3 inches away from the TV, someone that I've never met starts telling me how he's played with half the Louisville team.
2:52 p.m.- The Orange are up 5 at the half, so I make my way up to the rooftop to scope out the scene.
3:04 p.m.- My aunt calls and for some reason (I'm hammered) I answer. I can't hear a word she's saying, so I eventually hang up.
3:46 p.m.- A no name walk-on dunks to put Louisville up by 10 with under 3 minutes to play.
3:48 p.m.- Adding insult to injury, Kansas is up by 15 on Missouri in the closing minutes. Thanks to my advice, Kyle Korver has lost 3 of his 4 picks (thankfully Baylor covered) and has blown an opportunity to win $1000 outright. My buddy, who runs the site, would go on to call Korver's choke job the biggest public collapse since Hank Gathers. Days later Korver and I agree that this collapse was inevitable....he's a Mets fan. Had he won, my facebook picture would have looked like this:
(Korver's head on the logo that my buddy used for the most dangerous game all year)
4:21 p.m.- Glancy asks me to do a shot of Jameson with him, but I refuse (don't judge me) because I know that the night is still young and I'm not looking to yack.
4:35 p.m.- Our friends that live in the apartment tell all of the partygoers that "the cops are coming." Translation: If we don't know you, please leave.
4:50 p.m.- My cousin, his friends from home, Pete, and Tyler are nowhere to be found. I call him and he doesn't answer.
4:51 p.m.- I text him and his girlfriend and ask if they left the party.
4:53 p.m.- His girlfriend responds and says that she hasn't left the party, but that my cousin has gone to get food.
5:06 p.m.- Max and I are starving so we leave the apartment and try meet up with our friends who have left to get food. Glancy comes with us.
5:15 p.m.- We finally meet up with them outside a Domino's. Not only am I starving, but I'm now excited to try Domino's' new pizza. Max and I order a large cheese. Glancy doesn't want to eat because, for some reason, he considered it a weakness on this day of drinking. He wants the metaphorical title of MVP of the day and thinks that eating any food will hurt his chances of garnering the award.
5:21 p.m.- Max and I go back inside to check on our pizza. It's ready, but instead of bringing it outside and having pieces get sniped by our friends, we house the entire thing inside. I'm drunk, so my tastebuds would have liked just about anything, but the Domino's pizza tastes no different from how it used to.
5:32 p.m.- My cousin, Pete, Glancy, Tyler, etc. want to go to a bar, but Max and I have to go to the bathroom. We head back up to our friends' apartment and tell them that we will call/text them when we are done.
5:38 p.m.- There are two bathrooms in the apartment and one of them is vacant, so Max and I (for some reason) decide to go into it together. Girls do it all the time, right?
5:39 p.m.- Well let's just say that I hope girls don't do what Max and I did when they go to the bathroom together. As Max peed in the sink, I unleashed dump #2 of the day on the toilet.
6:20 p.m.- My cousin, Glancy, Pete, Ty, etc. have returned to the party. Max and I forgot to call/text them after our bathroom stop, but apparently the bar idea didn't work out.
6:44 p.m.- Max, Robby, and I have a conversation with a female about the type of vagina that men prefer.
7:32 p.m.- After a long day of drinking everyone is starting to show signs of weariness, so our group decides to head out.
7:35 p.m.- Max has lost his phone, so he stays behind even though we searched just about everywhere in the apartment for it.
7:46 p.m.- On the walk back to his girlfriend's apartment my cousin and I have the following exchange:
My cousin: By the way, I went up to the rooftop with Friend X and he told me...
Me: That he made $30,000 last Friday?
My cousin: Yeah, he told you too? He told me not to tell anyone.
Me: Yeah, he said the same thing to me. I guess by "Don't tell anyone" he meant, "Don't tell anyone because I'm going to tell everyone individually."
My cousin: "Even if I barely know them."
7:49 p.m.- Tyler sarcastically sings, "Don't knock it, Don't knock ittttt!" for the 8th time of the day. Clearly he is not a fan of the Kings of Leon. They apparently don't stack up to Andrew W.K.
7:52 p.m.- Tyler, Kyle Korver, Robby, and Korver's girlfriend and friend decide to head back into the city/home.
8:20 p.m.- While at the apartment of my cousin's girlfriend, I get a call from a female that I had spent the majority of the day with...or so I think. On the other end of the phone is Max. He wants to come to where we are, but doesn't know how to get there, so I hand my phone to one of the girls that lives there.
8:22 p.m.- The girl who has my phone gives Max directions and tells him to call her when he gets to the apartment building so that she can go down and let him in.
8:22 p.m.- "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE. WHAT PART ABOUT THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" -Max
9:34 p.m.- After laying low for a while we start playing a would you rather type game (complete with actual game cards) that gets pretty gross pretty quick. For the sake of the little dignity that I have left I won't provide an example of a typical question, but feel free to ask me for one at your convenience.
10:36 p.m.- I attempt to sneak out a quick dump, but after letting some gas go I realize that dump #3 of the day is not ready to disembark quite yet.
10:40 p.m.- Pete tells us that a few girls we know are having a party so we decide to head over there.
11:00 p.m.- We arrive at the our friends' apartment and quickly realize that there isn't much of a party going on after all.
11:24 p.m.- After drinking a few brews and putting up with a girl that was hammered beyond belief, we decide to go to a bar.
11:35 p.m.- The bar that the Hoboken residents have chosen to go to has a line and a cover.
11:37 p.m.- A girl we all know quite well, who is very Irish, walks by with some guy and we realize that we surprisingly haven't seen her all day. After stopping briefly to talk to us, she goes on her way, presumably to get some.
11:39 p.m.- My cousin, his girlfriend, her two roommates, Max, Pete, Glancy, and I decide to go find a different bar because we don't want to wait in line.
11:50 p.m.- We arrive at one of the most Irish bars in Hoboken and 5 of the 8 people in our group get in right away.
11:57 p.m.- After waiting outside for a few minutes with my cousin and one of his girlfriend's roommates, I enter the bar and head right to the men's room.
12:04 a.m.- Dump #3 of the day is officially in the books. I've been in the bathroom before, so I knew what I was working with.
12:23 a.m.- Glancy wants to order 5 shots of Jameson, but my cousin and I convince him to order car bombs instead.
12:24 a.m.- After being told that the bar doesn't serve car bombs (it's a policy- fake ass Irish bar, I know), Glancy asks the bartender if he hates America. He orders red bull vodkas instead.
12:25 a.m.- While the bartender is pouring the drinks, Glancy tells him to make sure there's enough vodka in the drinks because he wants to get his money's worth. The words, "We don't want that pussy shit" may or may not have come out of his mouth. The bartender asks Glancy if he's going to have enough money for that (that being the stiff drinks). Glancy says, "Yeah, pal."
12:26 a.m.- The bartender tells Glancy that he owes $65. Within seconds Glancy throws $80 on the bar and says, "Just give me 5 back."
12:37 a.m.- While talking to my cousin about Syracuse basketball (How they lost that day, what I think it means for them in the Big East and NCAA Tournaments, etc), Glancy throws a beer on the ground (a Miller lite, of course) and shoves me in the chest. As I regain my balance 5 feet away he says, "If you ever say a bad word about Chicago, I will knock you the fuck out."
12:42 a.m.- One of the fresh jams that Pete selected on the jukebox inspires Glancy to momentarily bust a move. For reasons still unknown, he starts to, as they say, back up into the 6'4 225 pound bouncer who is standing behind him. After a stern warning, Glancy says, "I have to tone it down? Ok, I will. Sorry."
12:47 a.m.- One of the females from our group starts talking in jibberish (She has her own language when she blacks out), so her roommate that doesn't date my cousin takes her home.
12:53 a.m.- Glancy goes on a tirade about how we've all become fake ass drinkers and fallen victim to the New York/Connecticut bar scene.
12:54 a.m.- Pete reminds Glancy that we are in New Jersey.
12:58 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chicago (a friend's cousin that he met in Chicago) just so happens to be in the bar, so Glancy attempts to order more drinks.
1:03 a.m.- I don't hear the exact exchange between Glancy and the bartender, but it ends with the bartender saying, "I can't fucking deal with you right now. You're done. Get out of here."
1:04 a.m.- The same bouncer that Glancy was grinding up against earlier escorts him outside.
1:17 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chi town meets us at another bar.
1:28 a.m.- Pete befriends some kid at the bar who decides to buy a round of Jameson shots. I initially refuse, but he says, "Don't be a pussy. It's St. Patrick's day," so I accept a shot.
1:29 a.m.- 6 or 7 of us rip the shots and I notice that the kid who bought them doesn't take one. I mention this to Pete and apparently the kid said, "I don't drink Jameson."
1:45 a.m.- My cousin and his girlfriend head back to my cousin's apartment. Glancy is looking to party although he can barely stand up and Pete's looking to creep on some girls, so Max and I stay and hang out with them.
2:17 a.m.- Glancy throws a beer on the ground, grabs another and does a hollow man (see below). It's time to leave.
2:26 a.m.- On the walk back to my cousin's apartment Max, Pete, Glancy, and I express our desire to devour some late night drunk food. I'm the only one who knows where we are going, so I tell everyone to keep their eyes peeled for potential food spots.
2:33 a.m.- Glancy sees a place with lights on across the street and says, "Let's eat there."
2:33 a.m.- Max, Pete, and I look across the street and see that the place Glancy has selected to eat is a laundromat.
2:35 a.m.- Glancy gets fed up with the three of us laughing at him so he aggressively picks me up and throws me on the hood of a parked car.
2:42 a.m.- We get back to my cousin's apartment and his girlfriend has ordered pizza. Touchdown.
2:55 a.m.- After listening to Max, Pete and I tell my cousin and his girlfriend what happened after they left Glancy says, "I'd kill for any one of you guys.......but I don't want to hang out with any of you guys right now."
As if the MVP award was in any doubt, Glancy sent us all a text from the airport at 1:50 p.m. the following day.
"I just threw up in a trash can waiting for the shuttle to take me to my terminal. Needless to say I'm gonna wait for the next one so I don't have to ride with these people who are staring at me in disgust."
The following is an account of the events of that day (to the best of my recollection). The night before (or as we called it, the semi-finals), 10 people stayed in my cousin's apartment. He has two roommates and each of them had a friend stay over in their respective rooms. With my cousin, in his room, was our friend Tyler. The remaining 4 of us (many of whom you will remember from my Friends before Fame post) were relegated to the living room. Max and Pete shared a large couch, Glancy, who flew in from Chicago, slept on a smaller couch, and I slept on the floor.
7:00 a.m.- Max's alarm goes off. Pete and I have nightmares about Glancy's alarm clock ringing for hours on end during our junior year of college.
7:03 a.m.- For the third time in a matter of 2 minutes Max turns the bath water on and quickly turns it off. Clearly he can't figure out how to turn the shower on.
7:04 a.m.- Max goes into my cousin's room and asks him how to get the shower going. Trust me when I tell you that this is the last time that Max will ever need any help getting something going.
7:55 a.m.- I wake up and make a bee line for the toilet.
7:59 a.m.- Dump #1 of the day is complete.
8:12 a.m.- After showering and getting dressed I notice that Max has gotten bagels. Yahtzee.
8:25 a.m.- I crack my first of what will be many brews of the day.
8:26 a.m.- I'm hammered.
10:07 a.m.- Kyle Korver, who I haven't seen for nearly a year, and Robby show up with Korver's girlfriend and her friend.
10:32 a.m.- Korver and I have been in a college basketball pool, called the most dangerous game, all year where we've picked 10 games against the spread for each week of the season (my buddy runs it on his website). It's the last day of the pool and there are four games to pick. Korver is in first place by 2 games. I am in last place. If he gets 2 out of his 4 picks correct he will win $1000. After looking at the lines I encourage him to make the following picks (in caps)....
SYRACUSE +1.5 @ Louisville
West Virginia @ VILLANOVA -2.5
Texas @ BAYLOR -2.5
Kansas @ MISSOURI +3
11:13 a.m.- Three of our friends from college are having a party at their apartment, which is a few blocks away, so we decide to go.
11:27 a.m.- Within a minute of entering the party I somehow find myself participating in a 3 on 3 game of rapid fire (3 on 3 rapid fire seemed to replace the more traditional 2 on 2 beer pong during our senior year of college).
12:08 p.m.- For the third time in the past half an hour someone tries to pour beer into the tiny mug hanging from my necklace.
12:42 p.m.- Four girls that graduated from Fairfield the year after me (3 of which I have never met) proceed to tell me how great of a writer I was in college.
12:56 p.m.- Friend X tells me how they made $30,000 the previous Friday, but not to tell anyone about it.
1:12 p.m.- A friend introduces me to a kid that works for the NFL Network. My friend has undoubtedly just met the kid, yet he is pretending to be best friends with him (and with me for that matter). The kid who works for the NFL Network is very bald (I assume it's due to chemotherapy) and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.
1:15 p.m.- A girl I knew in college interrupts my forced conversation with the kid from the NFL Network and says nothing of any relative importance. I assume that she found herself standing alone with no one to talk to amidst a crowded party and just latched onto the closest person she saw (me).
1:31 p.m.- Back to the beer pong table (interesting that it's still called a beer pong table even though we were playing 3 on 3 rapid fire) where I completely let my female teammates down because I'm distracted by my cousin's highschool friends who ask me why I borrowed my sister's hat.
For the record, I got the green, Jameson Irish Whiskey hat for free the weekend before in a bar in Boston.
2:11 p.m.- Villanova has lost to West Virginia by 2 in overtime which means that Kyle Korver and I are 0-1 on the day. The Syracuse game is in the opening minutes.
2:20 p.m.- I give up trying to watch the Syracuse game while sitting on the couch because the people that are standing around a different beer pong table (watching with a rooting interest?) keep getting in my line of sight.
2:35 p.m.- While standing approximately 3 inches away from the TV, someone that I've never met starts telling me how he's played with half the Louisville team.
2:52 p.m.- The Orange are up 5 at the half, so I make my way up to the rooftop to scope out the scene.
3:04 p.m.- My aunt calls and for some reason (I'm hammered) I answer. I can't hear a word she's saying, so I eventually hang up.
3:46 p.m.- A no name walk-on dunks to put Louisville up by 10 with under 3 minutes to play.
3:48 p.m.- Adding insult to injury, Kansas is up by 15 on Missouri in the closing minutes. Thanks to my advice, Kyle Korver has lost 3 of his 4 picks (thankfully Baylor covered) and has blown an opportunity to win $1000 outright. My buddy, who runs the site, would go on to call Korver's choke job the biggest public collapse since Hank Gathers. Days later Korver and I agree that this collapse was inevitable....he's a Mets fan. Had he won, my facebook picture would have looked like this:
(Korver's head on the logo that my buddy used for the most dangerous game all year)
4:21 p.m.- Glancy asks me to do a shot of Jameson with him, but I refuse (don't judge me) because I know that the night is still young and I'm not looking to yack.
4:35 p.m.- Our friends that live in the apartment tell all of the partygoers that "the cops are coming." Translation: If we don't know you, please leave.
4:50 p.m.- My cousin, his friends from home, Pete, and Tyler are nowhere to be found. I call him and he doesn't answer.
4:51 p.m.- I text him and his girlfriend and ask if they left the party.
4:53 p.m.- His girlfriend responds and says that she hasn't left the party, but that my cousin has gone to get food.
5:06 p.m.- Max and I are starving so we leave the apartment and try meet up with our friends who have left to get food. Glancy comes with us.
5:15 p.m.- We finally meet up with them outside a Domino's. Not only am I starving, but I'm now excited to try Domino's' new pizza. Max and I order a large cheese. Glancy doesn't want to eat because, for some reason, he considered it a weakness on this day of drinking. He wants the metaphorical title of MVP of the day and thinks that eating any food will hurt his chances of garnering the award.
5:21 p.m.- Max and I go back inside to check on our pizza. It's ready, but instead of bringing it outside and having pieces get sniped by our friends, we house the entire thing inside. I'm drunk, so my tastebuds would have liked just about anything, but the Domino's pizza tastes no different from how it used to.
5:32 p.m.- My cousin, Pete, Glancy, Tyler, etc. want to go to a bar, but Max and I have to go to the bathroom. We head back up to our friends' apartment and tell them that we will call/text them when we are done.
5:38 p.m.- There are two bathrooms in the apartment and one of them is vacant, so Max and I (for some reason) decide to go into it together. Girls do it all the time, right?
5:39 p.m.- Well let's just say that I hope girls don't do what Max and I did when they go to the bathroom together. As Max peed in the sink, I unleashed dump #2 of the day on the toilet.
6:20 p.m.- My cousin, Glancy, Pete, Ty, etc. have returned to the party. Max and I forgot to call/text them after our bathroom stop, but apparently the bar idea didn't work out.
6:44 p.m.- Max, Robby, and I have a conversation with a female about the type of vagina that men prefer.
7:32 p.m.- After a long day of drinking everyone is starting to show signs of weariness, so our group decides to head out.
7:35 p.m.- Max has lost his phone, so he stays behind even though we searched just about everywhere in the apartment for it.
7:46 p.m.- On the walk back to his girlfriend's apartment my cousin and I have the following exchange:
My cousin: By the way, I went up to the rooftop with Friend X and he told me...
Me: That he made $30,000 last Friday?
My cousin: Yeah, he told you too? He told me not to tell anyone.
Me: Yeah, he said the same thing to me. I guess by "Don't tell anyone" he meant, "Don't tell anyone because I'm going to tell everyone individually."
My cousin: "Even if I barely know them."
7:49 p.m.- Tyler sarcastically sings, "Don't knock it, Don't knock ittttt!" for the 8th time of the day. Clearly he is not a fan of the Kings of Leon. They apparently don't stack up to Andrew W.K.
7:52 p.m.- Tyler, Kyle Korver, Robby, and Korver's girlfriend and friend decide to head back into the city/home.
8:20 p.m.- While at the apartment of my cousin's girlfriend, I get a call from a female that I had spent the majority of the day with...or so I think. On the other end of the phone is Max. He wants to come to where we are, but doesn't know how to get there, so I hand my phone to one of the girls that lives there.
8:22 p.m.- The girl who has my phone gives Max directions and tells him to call her when he gets to the apartment building so that she can go down and let him in.
8:22 p.m.- "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE. WHAT PART ABOUT THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" -Max
9:34 p.m.- After laying low for a while we start playing a would you rather type game (complete with actual game cards) that gets pretty gross pretty quick. For the sake of the little dignity that I have left I won't provide an example of a typical question, but feel free to ask me for one at your convenience.
10:36 p.m.- I attempt to sneak out a quick dump, but after letting some gas go I realize that dump #3 of the day is not ready to disembark quite yet.
10:40 p.m.- Pete tells us that a few girls we know are having a party so we decide to head over there.
11:00 p.m.- We arrive at the our friends' apartment and quickly realize that there isn't much of a party going on after all.
11:24 p.m.- After drinking a few brews and putting up with a girl that was hammered beyond belief, we decide to go to a bar.
11:35 p.m.- The bar that the Hoboken residents have chosen to go to has a line and a cover.
11:37 p.m.- A girl we all know quite well, who is very Irish, walks by with some guy and we realize that we surprisingly haven't seen her all day. After stopping briefly to talk to us, she goes on her way, presumably to get some.
11:39 p.m.- My cousin, his girlfriend, her two roommates, Max, Pete, Glancy, and I decide to go find a different bar because we don't want to wait in line.
11:50 p.m.- We arrive at one of the most Irish bars in Hoboken and 5 of the 8 people in our group get in right away.
11:57 p.m.- After waiting outside for a few minutes with my cousin and one of his girlfriend's roommates, I enter the bar and head right to the men's room.
12:04 a.m.- Dump #3 of the day is officially in the books. I've been in the bathroom before, so I knew what I was working with.
12:23 a.m.- Glancy wants to order 5 shots of Jameson, but my cousin and I convince him to order car bombs instead.
12:24 a.m.- After being told that the bar doesn't serve car bombs (it's a policy- fake ass Irish bar, I know), Glancy asks the bartender if he hates America. He orders red bull vodkas instead.
12:25 a.m.- While the bartender is pouring the drinks, Glancy tells him to make sure there's enough vodka in the drinks because he wants to get his money's worth. The words, "We don't want that pussy shit" may or may not have come out of his mouth. The bartender asks Glancy if he's going to have enough money for that (that being the stiff drinks). Glancy says, "Yeah, pal."
12:26 a.m.- The bartender tells Glancy that he owes $65. Within seconds Glancy throws $80 on the bar and says, "Just give me 5 back."
12:37 a.m.- While talking to my cousin about Syracuse basketball (How they lost that day, what I think it means for them in the Big East and NCAA Tournaments, etc), Glancy throws a beer on the ground (a Miller lite, of course) and shoves me in the chest. As I regain my balance 5 feet away he says, "If you ever say a bad word about Chicago, I will knock you the fuck out."
12:42 a.m.- One of the fresh jams that Pete selected on the jukebox inspires Glancy to momentarily bust a move. For reasons still unknown, he starts to, as they say, back up into the 6'4 225 pound bouncer who is standing behind him. After a stern warning, Glancy says, "I have to tone it down? Ok, I will. Sorry."
12:47 a.m.- One of the females from our group starts talking in jibberish (She has her own language when she blacks out), so her roommate that doesn't date my cousin takes her home.
12:53 a.m.- Glancy goes on a tirade about how we've all become fake ass drinkers and fallen victim to the New York/Connecticut bar scene.
12:54 a.m.- Pete reminds Glancy that we are in New Jersey.
12:58 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chicago (a friend's cousin that he met in Chicago) just so happens to be in the bar, so Glancy attempts to order more drinks.
1:03 a.m.- I don't hear the exact exchange between Glancy and the bartender, but it ends with the bartender saying, "I can't fucking deal with you right now. You're done. Get out of here."
1:04 a.m.- The same bouncer that Glancy was grinding up against earlier escorts him outside.
1:17 a.m.- Glancy's friend from Chi town meets us at another bar.
1:28 a.m.- Pete befriends some kid at the bar who decides to buy a round of Jameson shots. I initially refuse, but he says, "Don't be a pussy. It's St. Patrick's day," so I accept a shot.
1:29 a.m.- 6 or 7 of us rip the shots and I notice that the kid who bought them doesn't take one. I mention this to Pete and apparently the kid said, "I don't drink Jameson."
1:45 a.m.- My cousin and his girlfriend head back to my cousin's apartment. Glancy is looking to party although he can barely stand up and Pete's looking to creep on some girls, so Max and I stay and hang out with them.
2:17 a.m.- Glancy throws a beer on the ground, grabs another and does a hollow man (see below). It's time to leave.
2:26 a.m.- On the walk back to my cousin's apartment Max, Pete, Glancy, and I express our desire to devour some late night drunk food. I'm the only one who knows where we are going, so I tell everyone to keep their eyes peeled for potential food spots.
2:33 a.m.- Glancy sees a place with lights on across the street and says, "Let's eat there."
2:33 a.m.- Max, Pete, and I look across the street and see that the place Glancy has selected to eat is a laundromat.
2:35 a.m.- Glancy gets fed up with the three of us laughing at him so he aggressively picks me up and throws me on the hood of a parked car.
2:42 a.m.- We get back to my cousin's apartment and his girlfriend has ordered pizza. Touchdown.
2:55 a.m.- After listening to Max, Pete and I tell my cousin and his girlfriend what happened after they left Glancy says, "I'd kill for any one of you guys.......but I don't want to hang out with any of you guys right now."
As if the MVP award was in any doubt, Glancy sent us all a text from the airport at 1:50 p.m. the following day.
"I just threw up in a trash can waiting for the shuttle to take me to my terminal. Needless to say I'm gonna wait for the next one so I don't have to ride with these people who are staring at me in disgust."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Mid 20's
As of 5:24 a.m. (which, in case you were wondering, stands for ante meridiem) yesterday, I have officially been on the earth for 24 years and counting. Although, like most people, I love the adulation that comes with having a birthday party, I chose to keep my 24th rather low key. In fact, I rang in the dawn of my mid 20's at the office.
Of course I've had plenty of birthday moments in my day including, but not limited to: the party in NYC I had with my friend Kate last year, when my cousin who will not be named and an old roommate (the Raucc man) surprised me in the city of hopes and dreams for my 21st, when my 8th grade math teacher thought I blowing off a "find your birthday in pi" assignment, etc.
The celebration (or I guess simply the acknowledgment) of a birthday, at its core, is just a way to mark the passing of time. Birthdays are generally thought of as happy occasions, but they can also be seen as not so pleasant reminders that, whether we like it or not, time is racing ahead.
The sad reality of turning 24, for me, is that I'm now officially in my mid 20's (as I mentioned earlier) yet I still don't feel like a full-fledged adult. By the way, 20-23 is early 20's, 24-26 is mid 20's, and 27-29 is late 20's. You'd think by now that I would have achieved something or that I would have gained some perspective on something, but in reality I haven't.
I mean, I like to think that I have a pretty realistic sense of our world and my participation in it, but in the grand scheme of things I really haven't done a damn thing. In fact, I don't even have much of a plan for what I want to do/accomplish in the future (which can't be a good thing) even though one of my go to quotes is, "The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them." And by "go to" I mean it is one of 14 quotes that I have on a Word document titled "Quotes".
All I really know is that I'm passionate about two things: sports and writing. And if you tear away the broadness, I guess I'm really passionate about competition and self-expression. I think (at least I hope) that knowing this is all that matters. I mean, I still have no clue what I'll be doing in 10 years, but maybe that's a good thing.
I like sports for all the obvious reasons. I like watching them, I like playing them, I like talking about them, I like listening to people talk about them, I like learning and knowing about the people that play them, I like reading about them, I like writing about them, etc.
As many of you know, I currently work in sports. I love my job and would never in my right mind complain about it because I'm incredibly fortunate to be getting a paycheck to do what I do, but sometimes the work is pretty mindless. I'm still relatively low on the totem pole, so hopefully I'll be able to more significantly contribute to the content as I work my way up the corporate ladder, but as it stands right now I rarely get that sense of accomplishment, that apparently I crave, as I leave work.
Writing, or self expression as I called it earler, is sort of a release for me. If you couldn't tell, I'm very opinionated and I need an outlet for the multitude of thoughts that cross my mind. Writing gives me that outlet. The process itself sucks. I mean, sure, I like manipulating words and throwing phrases together, but rarely do I look forward to sitting down and composing my thoughts. Oftentimes it's a taxing, time consuming struggle to get things to sound the way I want them to. I do it because the end result is very rewarding. Almost all of the writing that I do (this blog included) is for my own benefit. I'm literally my number one fan.
Now I'm not quite sure where, if anywhere, writing fits into my current career path, but I do know that in my quest to "do something" I would like to tackle the challenge of writing a book (or 2). I've heard that it's a grueling, agonizing process, but I think that the sense of accomplishment that completing a novel would provide would make all time and effort worthwhile. I actually have some pretty good ideas too. One of which involves this awkward post graduate time period that we are all currently going through (better known in the business as a coming of age novel).
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A post at least loosely tied to my birthday wouldn't be complete without mentioning one of my favorite Seinfeld lines of all time:
From, "The Betrayal" (the episode that goes in reverse)
KRAMER: Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
GEORGE: FDR?
KRAMER: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..
GEORGE: Stink eye?
JERRY: Crook eye?
KRAMER: EVIL eye.
JERRY: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday..
GEORGE: Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"
JERRY: Everyday is my birthday.
Jerry's line at the end is obviously the punch line and it's funny, but it's only my 3rd favorite line from the scene. My 2nd favorite is when Kramer says, "EVIL eye." If you haven't seen it then it probably doesn't resonate as much with you, but his delivery is impeccable. My favorite line, and one that I use quite often now, is George's, "These are my friends?!"
Of course I've had plenty of birthday moments in my day including, but not limited to: the party in NYC I had with my friend Kate last year, when my cousin who will not be named and an old roommate (the Raucc man) surprised me in the city of hopes and dreams for my 21st, when my 8th grade math teacher thought I blowing off a "find your birthday in pi" assignment, etc.
The celebration (or I guess simply the acknowledgment) of a birthday, at its core, is just a way to mark the passing of time. Birthdays are generally thought of as happy occasions, but they can also be seen as not so pleasant reminders that, whether we like it or not, time is racing ahead.
The sad reality of turning 24, for me, is that I'm now officially in my mid 20's (as I mentioned earlier) yet I still don't feel like a full-fledged adult. By the way, 20-23 is early 20's, 24-26 is mid 20's, and 27-29 is late 20's. You'd think by now that I would have achieved something or that I would have gained some perspective on something, but in reality I haven't.
I mean, I like to think that I have a pretty realistic sense of our world and my participation in it, but in the grand scheme of things I really haven't done a damn thing. In fact, I don't even have much of a plan for what I want to do/accomplish in the future (which can't be a good thing) even though one of my go to quotes is, "The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them." And by "go to" I mean it is one of 14 quotes that I have on a Word document titled "Quotes".
All I really know is that I'm passionate about two things: sports and writing. And if you tear away the broadness, I guess I'm really passionate about competition and self-expression. I think (at least I hope) that knowing this is all that matters. I mean, I still have no clue what I'll be doing in 10 years, but maybe that's a good thing.
I like sports for all the obvious reasons. I like watching them, I like playing them, I like talking about them, I like listening to people talk about them, I like learning and knowing about the people that play them, I like reading about them, I like writing about them, etc.
As many of you know, I currently work in sports. I love my job and would never in my right mind complain about it because I'm incredibly fortunate to be getting a paycheck to do what I do, but sometimes the work is pretty mindless. I'm still relatively low on the totem pole, so hopefully I'll be able to more significantly contribute to the content as I work my way up the corporate ladder, but as it stands right now I rarely get that sense of accomplishment, that apparently I crave, as I leave work.
Writing, or self expression as I called it earler, is sort of a release for me. If you couldn't tell, I'm very opinionated and I need an outlet for the multitude of thoughts that cross my mind. Writing gives me that outlet. The process itself sucks. I mean, sure, I like manipulating words and throwing phrases together, but rarely do I look forward to sitting down and composing my thoughts. Oftentimes it's a taxing, time consuming struggle to get things to sound the way I want them to. I do it because the end result is very rewarding. Almost all of the writing that I do (this blog included) is for my own benefit. I'm literally my number one fan.
Now I'm not quite sure where, if anywhere, writing fits into my current career path, but I do know that in my quest to "do something" I would like to tackle the challenge of writing a book (or 2). I've heard that it's a grueling, agonizing process, but I think that the sense of accomplishment that completing a novel would provide would make all time and effort worthwhile. I actually have some pretty good ideas too. One of which involves this awkward post graduate time period that we are all currently going through (better known in the business as a coming of age novel).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A post at least loosely tied to my birthday wouldn't be complete without mentioning one of my favorite Seinfeld lines of all time:
From, "The Betrayal" (the episode that goes in reverse)
KRAMER: Hey, FDR wants me to drop dead.
GEORGE: FDR?
KRAMER: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party, and just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look..
GEORGE: Stink eye?
JERRY: Crook eye?
KRAMER: EVIL eye.
JERRY: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday..
GEORGE: Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', "These are my friends?!"
JERRY: Everyday is my birthday.
Jerry's line at the end is obviously the punch line and it's funny, but it's only my 3rd favorite line from the scene. My 2nd favorite is when Kramer says, "EVIL eye." If you haven't seen it then it probably doesn't resonate as much with you, but his delivery is impeccable. My favorite line, and one that I use quite often now, is George's, "These are my friends?!"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Par for the Course
This recent stretch of unseasonably warm temperatures in the past few days has me fired up for Spring. Granted this pocket of warm air will most likely be followed by a few more weeks of sub 32 degree temperatures before it becomes the norm. Clearly my Syracuse upbringing has made me slightly jaded about this unusually warm week. In fact, during my college years I particularly resented the jokers that would wear flip flops and pastel shorts to class during a stretch like this. Call it a minor victory, but this is one of the few reasons that I'm almost happy to be out of college.
My excitement for the Spring is perhaps felt most in my golf boner, which is almost fully erect now. The re-emergence of green grass has made me think of fairways that I surely won't hit. I'm particularly amped for a Spring/Summer full of golf because I purchased some new sticks with my fantasy football winnings (to the 4 females that may read this- don't judge me). A few weeks ago I went to a heated range with my cousin who will not be named (neither here nor on the blog he once wrote for) and let's just say that I have a lot of work to do.
I'm your typical golfer who shoots in the 90s (mainly in the 95-99 range), but dreams of one day consistently shooting in the 80s. My drives go left, my drives go right, I swing about 8000 times too fast, I don't bring my club all the way up on my backswing (or so I'm told), and I have a habit of 3-putting. Basically I'd probably be better off if I closed my eyes on the tees and greens. Even still, I love the game. I've even been fortunate enough to record 2 hole in ones in my day. They occurred exactly one year apart (on July 4th- What can I say? I love America) on a par-3 course close to where I grew up.
Although I've laid out my considerable flaws I believe that they are all fixable. At least I hope they are. As I get older and my hint of athleticism quickly fades into oblivion I will rely on golf to satisfy my athletic desires. If I know what I do wrong, I should be able to fix it, right? Unfortunately this wasn't the case for me when it came to basketball, but that was mostly because there were some athletic hurdles that I simply couldn't overcome.
Each new golf season (just like Spring) brings a new sense of hope with it. Every golfer thinks that they are going to be considerably better than they were the year before. After hardly improving, if at all, in 2009 I've learned that, much to my dismay, I'm never going to wake up and suddenly be a much better golfer. It's one of my favorite leisure activities, but in order to be good I'm going to have to seriously work at it.
Normally around this time I also get excited for the start of the Major League Baseball season. This year though, I hardly have a chubby. For starters, all of my fanhood energy is devoted to the best college basketball team in America. Secondly, the Toronto Bluejays, my favorite MLB team, are poised for another dismal year. In the off season they traded the best pitcher in the game, fired their GM, and decided to rebuild their farm system. This essentially means that they are giving up on this season, even though it hasn't even started (a method that I've become desensitized to as a Knicks fan), and are going back to the drawing board. In fact, the other day on Baseball Tonight ESPN 1050's Andrew Marchand predicted that the Bluejays will have the worst record in the league in 2010. I've even tried to pump myself up for the season by telling people that the Bluejays are vying for 5th place in the AL East (as if it's a good thing) and that no one is going to stop them.
Despite the low expectations for the only big league club north of the border I am still very excited for the Spring, although if the Knicks don't sign anyone of note and my golf game doesn't improve this Spring excitement might quickly turn into Summer bitterness.
My excitement for the Spring is perhaps felt most in my golf boner, which is almost fully erect now. The re-emergence of green grass has made me think of fairways that I surely won't hit. I'm particularly amped for a Spring/Summer full of golf because I purchased some new sticks with my fantasy football winnings (to the 4 females that may read this- don't judge me). A few weeks ago I went to a heated range with my cousin who will not be named (neither here nor on the blog he once wrote for) and let's just say that I have a lot of work to do.
I'm your typical golfer who shoots in the 90s (mainly in the 95-99 range), but dreams of one day consistently shooting in the 80s. My drives go left, my drives go right, I swing about 8000 times too fast, I don't bring my club all the way up on my backswing (or so I'm told), and I have a habit of 3-putting. Basically I'd probably be better off if I closed my eyes on the tees and greens. Even still, I love the game. I've even been fortunate enough to record 2 hole in ones in my day. They occurred exactly one year apart (on July 4th- What can I say? I love America) on a par-3 course close to where I grew up.
Although I've laid out my considerable flaws I believe that they are all fixable. At least I hope they are. As I get older and my hint of athleticism quickly fades into oblivion I will rely on golf to satisfy my athletic desires. If I know what I do wrong, I should be able to fix it, right? Unfortunately this wasn't the case for me when it came to basketball, but that was mostly because there were some athletic hurdles that I simply couldn't overcome.
Each new golf season (just like Spring) brings a new sense of hope with it. Every golfer thinks that they are going to be considerably better than they were the year before. After hardly improving, if at all, in 2009 I've learned that, much to my dismay, I'm never going to wake up and suddenly be a much better golfer. It's one of my favorite leisure activities, but in order to be good I'm going to have to seriously work at it.
Normally around this time I also get excited for the start of the Major League Baseball season. This year though, I hardly have a chubby. For starters, all of my fanhood energy is devoted to the best college basketball team in America. Secondly, the Toronto Bluejays, my favorite MLB team, are poised for another dismal year. In the off season they traded the best pitcher in the game, fired their GM, and decided to rebuild their farm system. This essentially means that they are giving up on this season, even though it hasn't even started (a method that I've become desensitized to as a Knicks fan), and are going back to the drawing board. In fact, the other day on Baseball Tonight ESPN 1050's Andrew Marchand predicted that the Bluejays will have the worst record in the league in 2010. I've even tried to pump myself up for the season by telling people that the Bluejays are vying for 5th place in the AL East (as if it's a good thing) and that no one is going to stop them.
Despite the low expectations for the only big league club north of the border I am still very excited for the Spring, although if the Knicks don't sign anyone of note and my golf game doesn't improve this Spring excitement might quickly turn into Summer bitterness.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Deep Thoughts with Mad Max
It's been more than a year since our last installment of Deep Thoughts with Mad Max, so today we'll cover two burning questions that I have recently posed to the all knowing soothsayer.
First on the docket:
When an interracial couple has a child, are the parents each secretly hoping that the child more resembles their race?
I'm convinced that our racial identity is deeply ingrained in all of us. We might not think it is, but it's there. For example, I would argue that a white woman would be more scared of a black man walking toward her in an alley than she would a white man in the same scenario even if she was married to a black man.
Unfortunately no matter how hard we work toward racial equality we will never actually achieve the goal. Sure we've made great strides in the past 150 years, but it'd be foolish to suggest that racial equality was a reality in 2010. Obviously we don't need racial equality for an interracial couple to not have any brief thoughts of disappointment when their child more resembles their spouse's race, but I think that those thoughts do exist. Now, of course, the interracial couple's immediate thoughts are of pure joy at the life they have created, but don't you think that they wondered what race the child would be during the pregnancy? There's no way that this thought didn't cross their minds, right? Deep down I think that they root for their child to appear mixed, followed by their race, and then the race of their spouse.
When I asked Max the question he took the opposite angle. He explained that the parents would not be dissapointed (maybe this is the wrong word) in the least about the race of their child. Let's use everyone's favorite interracial couple (Heidi Klum and Seal) as an example. Max's point is that when Klum popped out their first child and he was black she wasn't dissappointed because she cared enough about Seal (who is blacker than black) to have a child with him. Continuing the example, when their next child came out of the womb and was white Seal was not dissapointed because he cared enough about Klum to conceive a child with her.
I'm totally on board with Max's point, but if we assume both examples to be true, are we also to assume that Klum was not happier at the birth of her white daughter?
Unfortunately I don't think it's fair for me to even speculate on this matter because it involves two variables: race and gender.
For example, I have three older brothers and twin sisters that are a year and a half younger than I am. This, or course, means that my mom was clearly hoping that I was going to be a girl. When I came out of the womb and had a little dingy hanging inbetween my legs she must have both been thrilled to have given birth to someone so awesome, but also dissappointed that I was a boy, just like her three previous children.
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Let's say that a guy and a girl are casually watching TV in a house/apartment. All of a sudden the guy experiences an undeniably urge to unleash whatever it is that's pushing up against his underpants, so he excuses himself.
How long is too long before the girl assumes that he's furiously forcing feces out of his rectum?
Max, in his infinite wisdom, quickly responded by saying ,"Three minutes tops." Now if this question appeared on the fast money portion of Family Feud (if you don't know what that is than you're reading the wrong blog) I have no doubt that it would be the #1 answer. I'm guessing that about 55 of the 100 people surveyed would have given the same response.
But while there's little doubt that this is the correct answer, it does raise other concerns. Can guys pull of a dump, wipe, and wash of the hands in the span of 3 minutes? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Male dump times probably average in the 5-10 minute range. Throw in the added pressure of a female waiting for their return from the bathroom and things can get a little dicey. Tickk, tick, tick, tickkkk, tick, tick.
A girl that was present when I asked Max this question said that she assumes a guy is dumping right away, which I found to be startling; however if she's ok with it than that's all the better, right?
A male that was present for the discussion suggested closing your cell phone upon your return to suggest that you were also making a call/sending a text in your absence. Clearly a veteran move, but if you try to pull it off you better have a believable answer for who you called/texted if you are asked.
In writing this post I've thought of a question that I want to know the answer to, but at the same time I don't. Let's say that in our example above it's the girl that gets that dreaded dump sensation. What's her course of action?
First on the docket:
When an interracial couple has a child, are the parents each secretly hoping that the child more resembles their race?
I'm convinced that our racial identity is deeply ingrained in all of us. We might not think it is, but it's there. For example, I would argue that a white woman would be more scared of a black man walking toward her in an alley than she would a white man in the same scenario even if she was married to a black man.
Unfortunately no matter how hard we work toward racial equality we will never actually achieve the goal. Sure we've made great strides in the past 150 years, but it'd be foolish to suggest that racial equality was a reality in 2010. Obviously we don't need racial equality for an interracial couple to not have any brief thoughts of disappointment when their child more resembles their spouse's race, but I think that those thoughts do exist. Now, of course, the interracial couple's immediate thoughts are of pure joy at the life they have created, but don't you think that they wondered what race the child would be during the pregnancy? There's no way that this thought didn't cross their minds, right? Deep down I think that they root for their child to appear mixed, followed by their race, and then the race of their spouse.
When I asked Max the question he took the opposite angle. He explained that the parents would not be dissapointed (maybe this is the wrong word) in the least about the race of their child. Let's use everyone's favorite interracial couple (Heidi Klum and Seal) as an example. Max's point is that when Klum popped out their first child and he was black she wasn't dissappointed because she cared enough about Seal (who is blacker than black) to have a child with him. Continuing the example, when their next child came out of the womb and was white Seal was not dissapointed because he cared enough about Klum to conceive a child with her.
I'm totally on board with Max's point, but if we assume both examples to be true, are we also to assume that Klum was not happier at the birth of her white daughter?
Unfortunately I don't think it's fair for me to even speculate on this matter because it involves two variables: race and gender.
For example, I have three older brothers and twin sisters that are a year and a half younger than I am. This, or course, means that my mom was clearly hoping that I was going to be a girl. When I came out of the womb and had a little dingy hanging inbetween my legs she must have both been thrilled to have given birth to someone so awesome, but also dissappointed that I was a boy, just like her three previous children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's say that a guy and a girl are casually watching TV in a house/apartment. All of a sudden the guy experiences an undeniably urge to unleash whatever it is that's pushing up against his underpants, so he excuses himself.
How long is too long before the girl assumes that he's furiously forcing feces out of his rectum?
Max, in his infinite wisdom, quickly responded by saying ,"Three minutes tops." Now if this question appeared on the fast money portion of Family Feud (if you don't know what that is than you're reading the wrong blog) I have no doubt that it would be the #1 answer. I'm guessing that about 55 of the 100 people surveyed would have given the same response.
But while there's little doubt that this is the correct answer, it does raise other concerns. Can guys pull of a dump, wipe, and wash of the hands in the span of 3 minutes? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Male dump times probably average in the 5-10 minute range. Throw in the added pressure of a female waiting for their return from the bathroom and things can get a little dicey. Tickk, tick, tick, tickkkk, tick, tick.
A girl that was present when I asked Max this question said that she assumes a guy is dumping right away, which I found to be startling; however if she's ok with it than that's all the better, right?
A male that was present for the discussion suggested closing your cell phone upon your return to suggest that you were also making a call/sending a text in your absence. Clearly a veteran move, but if you try to pull it off you better have a believable answer for who you called/texted if you are asked.
In writing this post I've thought of a question that I want to know the answer to, but at the same time I don't. Let's say that in our example above it's the girl that gets that dreaded dump sensation. What's her course of action?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Oscars 2010
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards will be held this Sunday, which means that it's time for me to handicap the year's best in film. In case you haven't been paying attention, and I assume that most of you haven't, the major storyline this year is the much hyped rivalry between James Cameron's Avatar and Kathyrn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker. Entering the home stretch these two films seem to be the frontrunners for Best Picture and their respective directors seem to be the frontrunners for Best Director. Now what makes this plot so interesting is that Cameron and Bigelow were married from 1989-1991. They claim to be on amicable terms, but I don't buy it. Bigelow has not re-married, nor had she wed anyone prior to Cameron, whereas Cameron is currently on wife #5 (Bigelow was #3). Call me crazy, but I think that there's definitely some deep felt bitterness/tension there.
So am I on Team Cameron or Team Kathryn? Well, normally in these situations I side with the man, but he's Canadian and she's American and I'm still bitter about the gold medal hockey game. I actually don't really want either of their movies to win Best Picture (although I think one of them will), so I'll go ahead and give Bigelow my support in the Best Director category. Also, if she wins, she'll be the first female to take home Uncle Oscar in that category(assuming I did my research properly). Who said I wasn't for the societal advancement of women?
Now for my Best Picture/Best Actor/Actress/Best Supporting Actor/Actress picks and breakdown. In case you're a gambler, remember that I went 4/5 on my picks last year. There's gotta be a way to gamble on this, right?
Best Picture
Avatar
As I wrote last month, this movie was made for 13 year old boys and has no business being considered for Best Picture.
The Blind Side
If you don’t at least choke up while reading this article about the true story behind this movie then feel free to never talk to me again.
District 9
This is a joke, right? I blame all of the supporters of The Dark Knight that pissed and moaned when the Academy snubbed Christopher Nolan's film. Is this really what you wanted? A sci-fi movie about aliens living in Africa? I'm going to stop before I get even more angry.
An Education
Probably a benficiary of the expansion to 10 nominees, but I can see why people liked this coming of age story. Also, I think the Academy gives bonus points for films that primarily use English actors.
The Hurt Locker
One of the three nominees that I've actually seen (I'm a fake ass movie buff). It was definitely a good and entertaining movie, but I wasn’t wild about it. Maybe it was that I had high expectations or that I didn't get something that the critics did (both distinct possibilities), but I gave it about a 3.7 out of 5.
Inglourious Basterds
Really? This movie was good? I thought it was supposed to be a slapstick comedy. That being said, it’s currently sitting atop my Netflix queue.
Precious
A poor, fat black girl, who at 15 (I think) is pregnant with her second child, gets inspired to turn her life around by a few teachers at a new, special school. I'm sure the movie is very good, but the plot seems like it's been done a million times.
A Serious Man
Are there special rules for movies written or produced by the Coen brothers like there are for Notre Dame in the BCS?
Up
You mean to tell me that someone with an Oscar vote chose this animated work as their favorite film of the year (one of the requisites to earn a nomination)? I'm sure that this movie has a nice message and all, but there's no chance that it's deserving of an Oscar nomination.
And why isn't it deserving of such an honor? Simple. Because it has its own category. Based on this nomination, Up is now a lock to win the Oscar for Best Animated Film (which is sort of was anyway, but you get my point).
Up in the Air
I think that this film was the best of the year. Hands down. The movie not only has the right blend of romance, drama, and comedy, but it also makes you think as you're walking out of the theater. Simply put, the movie has a moral message.
Which movie will win? The Hurt Locker
Which movie should win/am I rooting for? Up in the Air
Which movie am I rooting against? Avatar/Up
Best Actor
Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart- In this film, Bridges plays a rundown, alcoholic country singer, who is inspired to turn things around by a female reporter. I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s a better version of The Wrestler (2009). Bridges pretty much has this award in the bag and, of course, the dude abides.
George Clooney in Up in the Air- Clooney is very good in this film, but probably not good enough to win. This role isn’t Clooney’s best (Michael Clayton is), but it’s certainly Oscar worthy, although his performance gets a bit overshadowed by Anna Kendrick's.
Colin Firth in A Single Man- No real surprise to see that Firth got nominated for playing a gay man who plans on committing suicide to cope with the loss of his partner of 16 years who died in a car accident 8 months earlier.
Morgan Freeman in Invictus- When you’re handpicked by a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize to portray him on the silver screen you’re going to get nominated for an Oscar.
Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker- In this film Renner plays an American soldier in Iraq who seems de-sensitized to war despite his high pressure job of disarming bombs. His even keel, almost light-hearted way of going about him job is a bit perplexing, but it’s what gives the character depth. If I was Renner I’d probably write an acceptance speech, but I wouldn’t plan on giving it.
Which actor will win? Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
Which actor should win/am I rooting for? Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
Which actor am I rooting against? n/a
Best Actress
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side- I’ve always had a thing for Sandra and I’m glad to see that she finally earned an Oscar nomination. How she wasn’t nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Speed (1994) is beyond me. Come Sunday, you can bet your bottom dollar that the 45 year old starlet will join the sacred sorority of Best Actress winners.
Helen Mirren in The Last Station- Mirren won this award for her role in The Queen (2006), so she shouldn’t expect to return to the podium anytime soon. In the past 40 years only Jodie Foster (’88 and ’91) and Hilary Swank (’99 and ’04) have won the award twice.
Carey Mulligan in An Education- I’m officially rooting against the 24 year old Mulligan solely based on the fact that she dates Shia LeBouf. I don’t want him to get anywhere near an Academy Award.
Gabourey Sidibe in Precious- If she wins (and she won’t), Sidibe would be only the second woman of African American descent to take home the prize. This means that Halle Berry, for her role in Monster’s Ball (2000), is the Jackie Robinson/Barack Obama of the award.
Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia- Is the Academy giving out legacy nominations now? This is kind of like Derek Jeter winning the AL Gold Glove last year even though he was nowhere close to being the best defensive shortstop in the American League.
Which actress will win? Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Which actress should win/am I rooting for? Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Which actress am I rooting against? Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia/Carey Mulligan in An Education
Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon in Invictus- I like Damon and have not seen the movie, but this is what ESPN.Com’s Bill Simmons wrote about it back in December.
"While watching Invictus, I had an idea during one of the few moments when I wasn't obsessing over the insanity of Matt Damon being cast as 6-foot-3 South African rugby legend Francois Pienaar. You know how Dwight Howard stands out on a basketball court? That was Pienaar on a rugby field. Six-3, built like granite, bowled over guys like Brandon Jacobs. Since Damon can't be taller than 5-9, they took one of the most imposing physical specimens in rugby history and eliminated the quality that made him memorable. It made as much sense as casting Damon as Dirk Nowitzki. Ah, screw it, he's an A-lister, we need him. ... We'll just make Nowitzki a point guard, nobody will notice. Sorry. I noticed. And couldn't get past it."
No way he wins, right?
Woody Harrelson in The Messenger- In this film, Harrelson plays an army officer who is responsible for notifying family members of those that have died in service to our country. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I’d definitely be okay with it if he did.
Christopher Plummer in The Last Station- The 80 year old Plummer garnered his first Academy Award nomination for his role as the Russian literary giant Leo Tolstoy in this film. In case you didn’t know (although you should), Tolstoy wrote War and Peace and Anna Karenina.
Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones- Apparently Tucci gives a stirring performance as the neighborhood serial killer in The Lovely Bones, but his chances of winning are slim because the critics considered Peter Jackson’s film a flop.
Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds- Waltz has received rave reviews for his role as the terrifying and hilarious Col. Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino's summer blockbuster and just about everybody projects him to win the award on Sunday.
Which actor will win? Christopher Waltz in Inglorious Basterds
Which actor should win/am I rooting for? Christopher Waltz in Inglorious Basterds
Which actor am I rooting against? Matt Damon in Invictus
Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz in Nine- Cruz won this award last year for her role in Woody Allen’s Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona (2008), but I don’t think she has much of a chance to repeat. This seems more like a token nomination to me.
Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air- She was good, but if she didn’t get a nomination in this category for her role in The Departed (2006) then she certainly doesn’t deserve one here.
Maggie Gyllenhall in Crazy Heart- Gyllenhall is slowly working her way into Drew Barrymore (a staple of my Hate List) territory. She’s unattractive and borderline annoying.
Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air- The best thing to come out of the teenager vampire craze was fantastic in this film. I literally couldn’t get enough of her performance, but I unfortunately don’t think the first time nominee is going to win.
Mo’Nique in Precious- I haven’t seen the movie, but apparently this comic turned actress was so awesomely destructive in this role that she pretty much already has this award on her mantel.
Which actress will win? Mo'Nique in Precious
Which actress should win? Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air
Which actress am I rooting against? Maggie Gyllenhall in Crazy Heart
So am I on Team Cameron or Team Kathryn? Well, normally in these situations I side with the man, but he's Canadian and she's American and I'm still bitter about the gold medal hockey game. I actually don't really want either of their movies to win Best Picture (although I think one of them will), so I'll go ahead and give Bigelow my support in the Best Director category. Also, if she wins, she'll be the first female to take home Uncle Oscar in that category(assuming I did my research properly). Who said I wasn't for the societal advancement of women?
Now for my Best Picture/Best Actor/Actress/Best Supporting Actor/Actress picks and breakdown. In case you're a gambler, remember that I went 4/5 on my picks last year. There's gotta be a way to gamble on this, right?
Best Picture
Avatar
As I wrote last month, this movie was made for 13 year old boys and has no business being considered for Best Picture.
The Blind Side
If you don’t at least choke up while reading this article about the true story behind this movie then feel free to never talk to me again.
District 9
This is a joke, right? I blame all of the supporters of The Dark Knight that pissed and moaned when the Academy snubbed Christopher Nolan's film. Is this really what you wanted? A sci-fi movie about aliens living in Africa? I'm going to stop before I get even more angry.
An Education
Probably a benficiary of the expansion to 10 nominees, but I can see why people liked this coming of age story. Also, I think the Academy gives bonus points for films that primarily use English actors.
The Hurt Locker
One of the three nominees that I've actually seen (I'm a fake ass movie buff). It was definitely a good and entertaining movie, but I wasn’t wild about it. Maybe it was that I had high expectations or that I didn't get something that the critics did (both distinct possibilities), but I gave it about a 3.7 out of 5.
Inglourious Basterds
Really? This movie was good? I thought it was supposed to be a slapstick comedy. That being said, it’s currently sitting atop my Netflix queue.
Precious
A poor, fat black girl, who at 15 (I think) is pregnant with her second child, gets inspired to turn her life around by a few teachers at a new, special school. I'm sure the movie is very good, but the plot seems like it's been done a million times.
A Serious Man
Are there special rules for movies written or produced by the Coen brothers like there are for Notre Dame in the BCS?
Up
You mean to tell me that someone with an Oscar vote chose this animated work as their favorite film of the year (one of the requisites to earn a nomination)? I'm sure that this movie has a nice message and all, but there's no chance that it's deserving of an Oscar nomination.
And why isn't it deserving of such an honor? Simple. Because it has its own category. Based on this nomination, Up is now a lock to win the Oscar for Best Animated Film (which is sort of was anyway, but you get my point).
Up in the Air
I think that this film was the best of the year. Hands down. The movie not only has the right blend of romance, drama, and comedy, but it also makes you think as you're walking out of the theater. Simply put, the movie has a moral message.
Which movie will win? The Hurt Locker
Which movie should win/am I rooting for? Up in the Air
Which movie am I rooting against? Avatar/Up
Best Actor
Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart- In this film, Bridges plays a rundown, alcoholic country singer, who is inspired to turn things around by a female reporter. I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s a better version of The Wrestler (2009). Bridges pretty much has this award in the bag and, of course, the dude abides.
George Clooney in Up in the Air- Clooney is very good in this film, but probably not good enough to win. This role isn’t Clooney’s best (Michael Clayton is), but it’s certainly Oscar worthy, although his performance gets a bit overshadowed by Anna Kendrick's.
Colin Firth in A Single Man- No real surprise to see that Firth got nominated for playing a gay man who plans on committing suicide to cope with the loss of his partner of 16 years who died in a car accident 8 months earlier.
Morgan Freeman in Invictus- When you’re handpicked by a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize to portray him on the silver screen you’re going to get nominated for an Oscar.
Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker- In this film Renner plays an American soldier in Iraq who seems de-sensitized to war despite his high pressure job of disarming bombs. His even keel, almost light-hearted way of going about him job is a bit perplexing, but it’s what gives the character depth. If I was Renner I’d probably write an acceptance speech, but I wouldn’t plan on giving it.
Which actor will win? Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
Which actor should win/am I rooting for? Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart
Which actor am I rooting against? n/a
Best Actress
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side- I’ve always had a thing for Sandra and I’m glad to see that she finally earned an Oscar nomination. How she wasn’t nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her role in Speed (1994) is beyond me. Come Sunday, you can bet your bottom dollar that the 45 year old starlet will join the sacred sorority of Best Actress winners.
Helen Mirren in The Last Station- Mirren won this award for her role in The Queen (2006), so she shouldn’t expect to return to the podium anytime soon. In the past 40 years only Jodie Foster (’88 and ’91) and Hilary Swank (’99 and ’04) have won the award twice.
Carey Mulligan in An Education- I’m officially rooting against the 24 year old Mulligan solely based on the fact that she dates Shia LeBouf. I don’t want him to get anywhere near an Academy Award.
Gabourey Sidibe in Precious- If she wins (and she won’t), Sidibe would be only the second woman of African American descent to take home the prize. This means that Halle Berry, for her role in Monster’s Ball (2000), is the Jackie Robinson/Barack Obama of the award.
Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia- Is the Academy giving out legacy nominations now? This is kind of like Derek Jeter winning the AL Gold Glove last year even though he was nowhere close to being the best defensive shortstop in the American League.
Which actress will win? Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Which actress should win/am I rooting for? Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Which actress am I rooting against? Meryl Streep in Julie & Julia/Carey Mulligan in An Education
Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon in Invictus- I like Damon and have not seen the movie, but this is what ESPN.Com’s Bill Simmons wrote about it back in December.
"While watching Invictus, I had an idea during one of the few moments when I wasn't obsessing over the insanity of Matt Damon being cast as 6-foot-3 South African rugby legend Francois Pienaar. You know how Dwight Howard stands out on a basketball court? That was Pienaar on a rugby field. Six-3, built like granite, bowled over guys like Brandon Jacobs. Since Damon can't be taller than 5-9, they took one of the most imposing physical specimens in rugby history and eliminated the quality that made him memorable. It made as much sense as casting Damon as Dirk Nowitzki. Ah, screw it, he's an A-lister, we need him. ... We'll just make Nowitzki a point guard, nobody will notice. Sorry. I noticed. And couldn't get past it."
No way he wins, right?
Woody Harrelson in The Messenger- In this film, Harrelson plays an army officer who is responsible for notifying family members of those that have died in service to our country. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I’d definitely be okay with it if he did.
Christopher Plummer in The Last Station- The 80 year old Plummer garnered his first Academy Award nomination for his role as the Russian literary giant Leo Tolstoy in this film. In case you didn’t know (although you should), Tolstoy wrote War and Peace and Anna Karenina.
Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones- Apparently Tucci gives a stirring performance as the neighborhood serial killer in The Lovely Bones, but his chances of winning are slim because the critics considered Peter Jackson’s film a flop.
Christoph Waltz in Inglorious Basterds- Waltz has received rave reviews for his role as the terrifying and hilarious Col. Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino's summer blockbuster and just about everybody projects him to win the award on Sunday.
Which actor will win? Christopher Waltz in Inglorious Basterds
Which actor should win/am I rooting for? Christopher Waltz in Inglorious Basterds
Which actor am I rooting against? Matt Damon in Invictus
Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz in Nine- Cruz won this award last year for her role in Woody Allen’s Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona (2008), but I don’t think she has much of a chance to repeat. This seems more like a token nomination to me.
Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air- She was good, but if she didn’t get a nomination in this category for her role in The Departed (2006) then she certainly doesn’t deserve one here.
Maggie Gyllenhall in Crazy Heart- Gyllenhall is slowly working her way into Drew Barrymore (a staple of my Hate List) territory. She’s unattractive and borderline annoying.
Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air- The best thing to come out of the teenager vampire craze was fantastic in this film. I literally couldn’t get enough of her performance, but I unfortunately don’t think the first time nominee is going to win.
Mo’Nique in Precious- I haven’t seen the movie, but apparently this comic turned actress was so awesomely destructive in this role that she pretty much already has this award on her mantel.
Which actress will win? Mo'Nique in Precious
Which actress should win? Anna Kendrick in Up in the Air
Which actress am I rooting against? Maggie Gyllenhall in Crazy Heart
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