Deep Thoughts with Mad Max

It's been more than a year since our last installment of Deep Thoughts with Mad Max, so today we'll cover two burning questions that I have recently posed to the all knowing soothsayer.

First on the docket:

When an interracial couple has a child, are the parents each secretly hoping that the child more resembles their race?

I'm convinced that our racial identity is deeply ingrained in all of us. We might not think it is, but it's there. For example, I would argue that a white woman would be more scared of a black man walking toward her in an alley than she would a white man in the same scenario even if she was married to a black man.

Unfortunately no matter how hard we work toward racial equality we will never actually achieve the goal. Sure we've made great strides in the past 150 years, but it'd be foolish to suggest that racial equality was a reality in 2010. Obviously we don't need racial equality for an interracial couple to not have any brief thoughts of disappointment when their child more resembles their spouse's race, but I think that those thoughts do exist. Now, of course, the interracial couple's immediate thoughts are of pure joy at the life they have created, but don't you think that they wondered what race the child would be during the pregnancy? There's no way that this thought didn't cross their minds, right? Deep down I think that they root for their child to appear mixed, followed by their race, and then the race of their spouse.

When I asked Max the question he took the opposite angle. He explained that the parents would not be dissapointed (maybe this is the wrong word) in the least about the race of their child. Let's use everyone's favorite interracial couple (Heidi Klum and Seal) as an example. Max's point is that when Klum popped out their first child and he was black she wasn't dissappointed because she cared enough about Seal (who is blacker than black) to have a child with him. Continuing the example, when their next child came out of the womb and was white Seal was not dissapointed because he cared enough about Klum to conceive a child with her.

I'm totally on board with Max's point, but if we assume both examples to be true, are we also to assume that Klum was not happier at the birth of her white daughter?

Unfortunately I don't think it's fair for me to even speculate on this matter because it involves two variables: race and gender.

For example, I have three older brothers and twin sisters that are a year and a half younger than I am. This, or course, means that my mom was clearly hoping that I was going to be a girl. When I came out of the womb and had a little dingy hanging inbetween my legs she must have both been thrilled to have given birth to someone so awesome, but also dissappointed that I was a boy, just like her three previous children.

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Let's say that a guy and a girl are casually watching TV in a house/apartment. All of a sudden the guy experiences an undeniably urge to unleash whatever it is that's pushing up against his underpants, so he excuses himself.

How long is too long before the girl assumes that he's furiously forcing feces out of his rectum?

Max, in his infinite wisdom, quickly responded by saying ,"Three minutes tops." Now if this question appeared on the fast money portion of Family Feud (if you don't know what that is than you're reading the wrong blog) I have no doubt that it would be the #1 answer. I'm guessing that about 55 of the 100 people surveyed would have given the same response.

But while there's little doubt that this is the correct answer, it does raise other concerns. Can guys pull of a dump, wipe, and wash of the hands in the span of 3 minutes? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Male dump times probably average in the 5-10 minute range. Throw in the added pressure of a female waiting for their return from the bathroom and things can get a little dicey. Tickk, tick, tick, tickkkk, tick, tick.

A girl that was present when I asked Max this question said that she assumes a guy is dumping right away, which I found to be startling; however if she's ok with it than that's all the better, right?

A male that was present for the discussion suggested closing your cell phone upon your return to suggest that you were also making a call/sending a text in your absence. Clearly a veteran move, but if you try to pull it off you better have a believable answer for who you called/texted if you are asked.

In writing this post I've thought of a question that I want to know the answer to, but at the same time I don't. Let's say that in our example above it's the girl that gets that dreaded dump sensation. What's her course of action?

Jungle Fever

I am not a Survivor supporter, nor have I ever been, and I resent the fact that Jeff Probst won an Emmy for his 'hosting skills', but this video is too good to be true.

First of all, Danny "GC" is your typical black man who is excited to learn about his native land and I don't know too many people that would mind if he just stayed there.

Next, we have Charlie, who is like an Ivy league guy, who is smart, but he's not a rocket scientist. Charlie is a bottom that has a lisp and is only on the show to start the fires because he's already flaming.

Then we have Jacquie, who for some reason, flirts with everyone and doesn't know why. Are you serious Jacquie? Every guy on the planet flirts with you because they want to knock your fun bags around in the sack. Don't act so clueless.

Finally, we have Gillian, who delivers perhaps the greatest line of any preview commercial that I have ever seen. "Once Africa gets in you, Africa never gets out." Translation, "Once you go black, you never go back." You can tell that she's thinking about the time that she got impaled with a 14 inch behemoth when she says it too.


Which brings us to the top 3 cases in recent memory, of white girls getting a case of jungle fever.

3.) Tiffany Ortiz


I know that Papi isn't even Africa black (he's Dominican), but I couldn't resist because he is the spitting image of the gorilla shown in the beginning of the clip. I've seen the sort of things that he can do with a Louisville Slugger in his hands and I can't even imagine what kind of damage he can cause with his own lumber.

2.) Ann Dunham (Barack Obama's mother)


Obama's mom had one of the most sever cases of jungle fever that I have ever come across. Obama's father (also named Barack) was Kenyan, as in 100% African, and what are Kenyans most known for? That's right, for their participation in marathons. Obama's mom was getting it allll night long. Along the same lines, I find it odd that Obama doesn't support offshore drilling because you know that during his conception his mom was screaming, "Drill, Baby, Drill."


1.) Heidi Klum


Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder how this happened. Heidi Klum is a world renown supermodel and Seal is savage, who had one good song. I'll be the first to admit when a black man is good looking. For example, Kobe Bryant is a stud. But, Seal? Come onnn. The only logical explanation that I can think of is that Heidi got trashed at some celebrity function and wanted to see what a black man was like in bed. She thought it would be a one time thing, but she got addicted to his gargantuan bamboo stick.





Thanks to John in Chicago, IL for the link