It should be noted that the very concept of the ESPYs is patently absurd because athletes don't play their respective sports to win ESPYs. They play to win championships and awards handed out by their leagues. The Oscars make sense because there is no championship for actors to play for. But I digress...
Sadly I missed much of the two hour red carpet show as I was eating dinner, watching The O'Reilly Factor, etc, so below are my thoughts as I watched (sparingly from 8:34 to 9 and then from 9 straight through until 11:30)the 19th annual ESPY Awards.
8:34- Erin Andrews interviewing Kevin Love and Blake Griffin. When she asks Blake what kind of dunk he wants to see Love do next year he promptly responds by saying, “I’m not entirely convinced that he can dunk.” Awesome.
8:53- Sweet Jesus. Jenn Brown looking amazing. Now I know why I got a text from my buddy Crib asking who the smoke was that was interviewing Cam Newton. Clearly he doesn’t read The Shampoo Effect or else he would have known all about Jenn Brown months ago.
8:54- Michelle Beadle tosses to Erin Andrews. Did anyone else feel the tension?
9:00- Steve Urkel version 2.0 is the front man of the ESPY’s house band.
9:02- I might vomit every time I see the DeSean Jackson punt return. And every time I see Shaun White.
9:04- Does anyone care about Zenyatta? I honestly don’t even know what the story is. Wake me up when she’s glue.
9:06- It’s opening monologue time. Also known as the only part of award shows worth watching. Show me something here Seth Myers.
9:13- I haven’t laughed yet
9:14- Amare Stoudemire looking as hood as ever.
9:17- A Barry Bonds joke falls flat. Seth Meyers, “Think about it, though.”
9:18- Tweet from @TheBillWalton- “Organizers of the ESPYs thought they had a bomb scare on their hands. Then they realized it was Seth Meyers’ opening act. #iamappalled”
9:19- Welcome to the ESPY’s. Meyers got me with this, “David Beckham had a baby with wife Victoria…8 pounds, 9 ounces…No word on what the baby weighed yet”
9:21- We almost got through the monologue without a Favre reference, but it wouldn’t be the ESPYs without one, right? I guess when you text photos of your dick you’re an easy target.
9:22- Jimmie Johnson and Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan from Entourage) to present the award for Best Breakthrough Athlete. Chriqui is perhaps the best example of a celebrity who’s known almost strictly as their character’s name. Seriously, how many people actually know her name? Other people in that category…
Kenny Powers (Danny McBride)
Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall)
House (Hugh Laurie)
Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell)
Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)
9:24- Blake Griffin wins and makes it official by saying, “Thank you Sloan,” as he accepts the award. In case anyone cares, Jose Bautista got hosed. With fans voting for the winners the ESPYs are more predictable than almost any award show going.
9:31- How does someone put up a graphic for Brooklyn Decker when the person on the screen isn’t Brooklyn Decker? How does this happen? She’s one of, if not the most, recognizable supermodels in the world.
9:34- Seth Myers announces that they've re-opened the Best Play category to include Abby Wambach’s goal against Brazil on Sunday, but somehow Serena Williams is nominated for Best Championship Performace for winning Wimbledon in 2010? She didn’t even make it to the quarterfinals this year. I guess you have to bend the rules to make the 175th ranked tennis player seem relevant.
9:43- Wait, Zenyatta is nominated for Best Upset for coming in second in a race? I’m so confused.
9:44- VCU wins Best Upset for knocking out #1 seed Kansas on the way to the Final Four. It’s the second year in a row that Kansas losing in the NCAA Tournament has led to a Best Upset nominee. Can we give Bill Self something for this?
9:55- Shaka Smart shows once again that he’s a class act. He just says all of the right things in front of the camera. His exit from VCU is imminent.
9:49- Urkel is back for Round 2. Nobody cares. Can we just play the Jimmy V speech already?
9:51- A parody of the Vancouver kissing couple with the dude from The League is painfully horrendous. His career peaked as a commentator for I Love the 90’s Part Deux.
9:55- Who writes the back and forths between presenters? When people try too hard to be funny it never is. Keep it simple. Even Justin Timberlake's piece was awful.
9:57- The Jimmer wins Best College Athlete and promptly hugs his smokehouse cheerleader girlfriend…who he’s never had sex with...
10:07- Matthew McConaughey doing a voice over for a black boxer who was wrongfully imprisoned. Was Morgan Freeman not available?
10:19- The Dewey Bozella story may be the takeaway of the night, especially the Cus Amato quote he dropped, “The hero and the coward both feel the same thing, but the hero uses his fear, projects it onto his opponent, while the coward runs. It's the same thing, fear, but it's what you do with it that matters.”
10:20- Butttt he went on to start his next sentence like this, “Everyday I axed myself…” Now unless this was a euphemism for cranking it (he was in jail for 30 years) I can’t let it slide. Why can’t black people say this word correctly?
10:26- Another Kenny Powers K-Swiss commercial. It looks like a good marketing campaign…until they incorporated Matt Cassel. I realize that K-Swiss is trying their best to sign athletes and they need to start with low level stars like Cassel, but come on. No one knows who he is.
10:29- Can we get a “Best Celebration” category next year just so Aaron Rodgers’ belt can take home some much deserved hardware? Other nominees: Jason Terry’s jet imitation, Kobe/Jeter’s fist, the Bruins bar tab, etc.
10:31- Where am I? What year is it? Dirk Nowitzki has an attractive black girlfriend? I assume she’s a Mavericks cheerleader?
10:34- Brooklyn Decker out to present Best Female athlete and boy did she bring it tonight
10:34- But I’m still a Marisa Miller guy
(photo from 2009 ESPYs)
10:35- Lindsay Vonn wins Best Female Athlete for the 2nd straight year and I can’t figure it out. She won a gold medal in the Olympics in 2010 and won Best Female Athlete in 2010. That’s good by me, but now she wins Best Female Athlete again in 2011? Can anyone tell me what she did this year? This is why female sports are a joke.
10:36- Vonn compounds the travesty by asking Justin Bieber to take a picture with her for her Facebook page. What he’s doing at the ESPYs I’ll never know. As my buddy Anthony wrote on Facebook earlier, “PLEASE tell me what the hell that little douche, Justin Bieber, has to with sports and has been on the espys longer than any athlete? He said he played soccer and basketball in grade school, I guess it makes sense to me now.” The kid does have a nice flow though.
10:37- In semi-related news Scott Van Pelt, SportsCenter staple and ESPN Radio host, has never been invited to the ESPYs. In fact, he tweeted earlier, “Guess my ESPY invite got lost in the mail again. Only 11 years in a row that’s happened. I need to print more clearly when giving address”
10:39- Serena Williams just broke the internet because her tits were popping out, but I think this picture is more impressive. Those curves defy the laws of physics.
10:48- Who had Jonah Hill being the first to curse at the ESPYs? Actually, better question. Who had Jonah Hill at the ESPYs?
10:52- Puhhhhhyahhhhhh…Puhhhhyahhh…The Eagles win Best Game for their Week 15 comeback against the Giants. Does anyone know how to spell vomit sounds?
11:01- The Anthony Robles story is amazing. If you missed it, it’s worth checking out. The kid has a million dollar smile and the best attitude on life ever. He really embodies Jimmy V’s message of never giving up.
11:13- 3 of the 5 nominees for Best Play are soccer? Beast mode should definitely win this award, but the fix is clearly in for the Abby Wambach goal.
11:14- A Scarlett Johanssen look-a-like butchers the pronunciation of Abby Wambach’s name.
11:22- I gotta be honest. I didn’t hate the Bieber/Danica shtick.
11:24- The Best Team nominees are revealed. What team doesn’t belong? Green Bay Packers, Dallas Mavericks, San Francisco Giants, Texas A&M women’s basketball team, Boston Bruins. I swear, the concerted effort to incorporate and promote female sports at the ESPYs couldn’t be more apparent.
11:25- The Dallas Mavericks win Best Team thanks largely to the “Fuck LeBron” vote.
11:26- Seth Myers sneaks in what sounds like a forced plug for the US Women's World Cup Final on Sunday.
11:27- Urkel’s band plays us out. What does it mean “to play us out?”
11:28- What happened to airing Jimmy V’s speech?
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