Work It Out

In June I moved into a house much closer to work with three friends who are anything but underweight. I work with two of them and we get along great, but in the back of my head I knew that living with them could go in one of two ways for me. I would either fall into bad patterns and pack on the pounds or I’d completely reverse course and become much more active. So far, and this is all subject to change, I’ve taken the latter path and although I don’t think the dividends are entirely noticeable the gym and I have become much better acquainted.

This is new for me because I have never been a gym rat. During my senior year of high school I got out of mandatory lifting sessions during football season on Saturday mornings because I took an SAT Prep course (I did the best on my SAT’s when my dad forced me to take them as a sophomore, but that’s neither here nor there). In college I worked at the gym as an intramural supervisor, but I only worked out there 4-5 times tops in my four years.

In my defense I was very active in both high school and college. In high school I played football in the fall, indoor lacrosse in the winter, and lacrosse in the spring. In college I played pick up basketball 4-5 times a week as well as intramural flag football, basketball, softball, etc. A few times I also ran 6-8 miles at a time with a friend who was training for a half-marathon. After college is a completely different story, though. Playing softball in the summer was about the extent of my regular physical activity. It took a while for my high powered metabolism to slow down (I poop a lot), but the pounds slowly started to pile up.

I now go to the gym, which is free and located on our campus (actually what we call it) 6-7 times a week. I keep things simple and just run 2-3 miles per day at a 7 minute pace, shower, and either go to work or head back to my house.

Before I continue I would first like to apologize for even bringing up the fact that I go to the gym. I hate how people boast about how much they work out, especially on Facebook. If I see one more person post something via Nike+ about how quickly they ran 6 miles I’m going to snap. That said, I apologize for sort of doing the exact same thing. I just want to establish some semblance of credibility for the comments/observations that I’m about to make.

My level of awkwardness at the gym is off the charts. For starters, I can’t listen to my ipod because my ear buds always fall out when I run. I’m convinced that this only happens to me. I also need to keep one hand attached to the treadmill for the entirety of my work out. I don’t know if I’m scared of failing off or what, but I physically can’t let go of the handlebar. Maybe I just can’t run at the same speed for more than 30 seconds. Who knows. Sometimes I switch arms, but about 80% of my run involves my right hand gripped to the handle bar.

I hatttee it when someone is running on the treadmill directly next to me. I need my personal space and get very flustered if someone is inches away from me and running. I, and I assume everyone else, always get competitive and feel like I have to either run faster than them or for longer for them.

Occasionally I’ll have to wait for the treadmill’s incline to return to 0.0 before I can start running. Who changes the incline? That’s beyond next level. If you want to run up hill then run outside.

Cleaning the machine is always a little odd to me. How does this cleaning liquid remove all of the sweat/germs so quickly? Something doesn’t add up. I usually spray two paper towels with the cleaner and wipe down everywhere my hands have been and then grab an additional two paper towels to dry everything off. While I’m doing this, drops of sweat invariably fall off my head and land on the track of the treadmill. I don’t wipe those drops off, but if I saw any I certainly wouldn’t run on that treadmill.

Believe it or not, looking at yourself in the mirror is hard not to do at the gym. They’re everywhere. I catch myself doing this at least once a day and always feel insecure about it.

Speaking of looking at people, I now know why there are so many pornographic videos set at the gym. I don’t know why, but every time I’m running and a girl walks in or is working out I can’t stop looking at her. Maybe it’s the testosterone, but even slightly above average looking girls look hot.

Showering at the gym is quite the undertaking. Men above the age of 50 are a little too comfortable walking around naked. Even after I shower I put my underwear on without taking my towel off. I think it’s common courtesy, but what do I know. It’s also a must to wear sandals, right? I don’t know much about feet, but no good can come from walking around those floors. One more thing about the showers before we move on. Are you supposed to go shampoo and then conditioner or vice versa? I assume that it’s shampoo to clean your hair and then conditioner to “condition” it, but I could be way off.

Our locker room is meant to appear like a baseball team’s clubhouse. There are benches and stools around the numbered lockers and a flat screen TV blaring on the wall.


I have a go to locker (#22), but I always go to the spot where there’s the most room. Without fail I’ll get back into the locker room after my run and someone will be using the locker right next to me.

Going directly to work after being at the gym is the worst because no matter how long I dry off I’m always sweating when I put my clothes on and walk out the door. Sometimes I’ll go back to my car and blast the air conditioning for five minutes, but that only moderately improves the situation.

I’m hopeful that I can keep up my gym going ways because I do feel better about myself after I run. I’ve never gotten what they call “runner’s high”, but I’m just happy to not feel like a lazy piece of shit.

That's What He Said- Chapter 11

If you're new to the blog, and I doubt it, and you don't know what this is then click here, scroll to the bottom and get caught up.

Chapter 11

Kristen’s letter did more than properly put this overblown campus issue into perspective. It also reminded people that I was ready and willing to defend my position.

Upon returning to school after Thanksgiving break I received an email from a Race, Gender, and Ethics teacher named Renee White. She politely asked if I would come and speak to her class and I gladly accepted. I was so convinced that I was 100% in the right that I would have accepted an invitation to debate Susan B. Anthony, Rosie the Riveter¹, or Betty Friedan.

Professor White was a tall, African American woman in her early 30s who wore thick black rimmed glasses (the geek chic look) and had what almost looked like a female afro. It was frizzy and poofed up, but didn’t fall past her neck line. It did what a headband would do, but she didn’t wear one. Also, maybe it’s just me, but have you ever noticed that the majority of people with the last name White are black and the majority of people with the last name Black are white? I trust that someone has done a research study on this phenomenon.

In the days leading up to my appearance in Professor White’s class I learned that my editor in chief, Steph, would be accompanying me on the trip. I assumed that she was just loving this undue attention that my column attracted and wanted to come with, but I guess it made sense for her to tagalong because where I had to defend what I wrote she had to defend printing it almost verbatim. I also learned that one of my friends, a girl named Lauren, who lived with the Kristen in my grade that stomped all over my heart, was in the class. She told me that there were two Race, Gender, and Ethics classes taught by Professor White and that the most fired up females from the other class were giving up their free time (some were even skipping another class) just to get a piece of me.

I was not nervous in the least when I entered the classroom alongside Steph. In fact, I did not prepare anything at all for my “celebrity” appearance. All I did was double check my math on what I thought was my most incendiary line. “You catch STDs better than you do footballs.” I thought that the girls with an axe to grind would most likely point to this sentence to illustrate that I had gone too far. Knowing this, I did a little research and found out that at the time 1 in 3 college aged females that were sexually active had an STD. The number is probably worse now, but if I was asked to defend this line I planned on dropping that statistic and then saying, “If I picked four random females and threw a football at them as hard as I could from 10-15 yards away I highly doubt that more than 1 would be able to catch it. In fact, I coached a PowderPuff team and during drills no one could catch the ball when I put a little mustard on my throws. Next question².”

As the class began Professor White gave Steph and I a chance to make some opening remarks, as if this was a trial by jury. Steph gave a little spiel about how she didn’t agree with most of the things that I wrote, but knew that I wasn’t a malicious person, and felt confident in printing my words because I, and ultimately her, were protected by our first amendment rights. I don’t think she said another word the rest of the class because the crowd was there to see me. In my opening comments I simply stated that 1.) It’s a humor column. I write with the male population of Fairfield in mind and 2.) I didn’t intend for the female student body to become so outraged. In fact, I’m kind of surprised by it because I don’t think that anything that I’ve written was all that serious.

This was followed by a 20-25 minute question and answer session that went something like this. (Many questions were asked, but these are ones that I specifically remember)

Female #1- Do you think that anything that you’ve written has been disrespectful to women? Like obviously you must because you’re here and there’s been this public outcry, right? So is there anything you regret writing?

Me- No, there is nothing I regret writing. Like I said, I’m a little surprised that there’s been such an outcry because I don’t think anything that I’ve written has been that bad.

Female #1 (with a quick follow up)- What about when you said that you want to throw a brick at girls’ faces?

Me- This is a humor column. You can’t take things literally. Would I actually throw a brick at a girl’s face? Of course not. But have I wanted to? Absolutely. I was writing to that urge. It’s just like how girls always say that they want to kick a guy in the balls. We all feel that desire, but we restrain ourselves. I’m writing to a male audience and that was a line that I thought they would enjoy.

Female #2- Is what you write things that have happened to you? Are things personal?

Me- Honestly, no. I mean, sure my own personal experiences influence my writing, but I approach this role as if I’m speaking for every guy on campus. When Jackie and I pick a topic I mix and match stories that my friends have told me to put forth what I think is the most accurate, and humorous, representation of the collective male opinion on that topic. Jackie, on the other hand, basically writes only about herself and her own personal experiences and more often than not I think that her words unintentionally end up backing up my points. I’m not saying that her approach is wrong and my way is right. They are just different. We have different writing styles.

Female #3- After the initial outrage didn’t you feel compelled to tone things down a notch?

Me- Sort of. Like I said, I was taken aback by most of the letters to the editor and all of that. I literally couldn’t believe that my words were prompting such a reaction because I didn’t think that they were offensive. After the initial outcry I sent an email to my old News Writing teacher who’s been like a writing mentor for me. She, a big supporter of woman’s rights no less, told me that I may be pushing the line, but and I quote “you should never compromise your writer’s voice.” I trust her opinion more than anyone else’s when it comes to writing, so I took her advice and stuck to my guns, so to speak.

Female #4 (the point guard of the women’s basketball team)- But wait. You’re contradicting yourself. I thought you just said that most of what you write isn’t based on your own personal experiences and now you’re saying that it’s your voice? That doesn’t make sense.

Me- No, no no. I take what I hear from my friends, their stories, things they’ve heard, and let me just tell you that much like I have no idea what girls say when guys aren’t around, you have no idea what kind of things come out of guys’ mouths when there aren’t any girls around. My writing is incredibly tame compared to that, but back to your question. Basically I take what I hear, my friends’ stories, their experiences and I put it all into my own words. The words I choose and the way I phrase and present the themes and concepts from their stories is my “writer’s voice”.

Female #5- How would you feel if Jackie wrote things that were offensive to guys?

Me- Well to be perfectly honest I don’t think she has it in her. Like I said earlier, she usually just sticks with her own personal opinions and experiences. Also, I don’t think there’s much that a female could write that would cause guys to react the way girls have reacted to my columns. Simply put, guys just aren’t as emotional. That said, if she wants to fight fire with fire I say bring it on.

Female #6- This isn’t so much a question as it’s a comment. Before today people told me that you weren’t really a mean spirited person and that you just wrote this stuff to get laughs and I believed them, but after today I don’t anymore.

Me- I’m sorry you feel that way.


Meanwhile, Jackie was upset with the way things were going with our columns and voiced her opinion to our editors (one of whom was her best friend and housemate, the Ice Cat’s girlfriend). She claimed that I was shooting down virtually all of her topic ideas. Technically she wasn’t wrong. Most of her ideas were either awful or specific to our Senior class (something I really wanted to avoid). During one of my many trips to The Mirror’s office I was told that I needed to be more receptive to Jackie’s ideas. I said, “Ok, fine. I’ll let her pick the next topic.”

Normally Jackie’s complaining to our editors would have really irritated me, but to be honest, it didn’t bother me at all. Jackie had broached the subject plenty of times to me in our conversations and I knew that she had probably just mentioned it to her friend. Basically she didn’t do it in a typical, annoying female way.

Either way Jackie’s brilliant topic idea was, “Can guys and girls ever just me friends?” Knowing that I basically had to let her have one I agreed to the topic.

The Mirror on December 12th, 2007

Can guys and girls ever just be friends?


No.


1 Yes, I know she was a fictional character. That’s how confident I was.^↩
2 A line made famous by NFL super agent Drew Rosenhaus, who said the phrase 4 straight times during a press conference outside his client Terrell Owens’ home in 2005.^↩

Wedding Season

In case you haven’t noticed we are currently in the midst of wedding season. Couples everywhere are getting hitched and promptly putting their pictures on Facebook. Actually, it’s more like every girl that attends the wedding puts their pictures on Facebook, but you get my point. In the past 16 months I’ve attended 5 celebrations of holy matrimony. Prior to that I had witnessed zero. Amazingly in this 16 month stretch my oldest brother got married, but I was not in attendance for it. He and his wife did the whole destination wedding thing and I didn’t exactly have $1500 to throw down on a flight. Either way, now that I’ve experienced a handful of weddings I finally feel comfortable giving my impressions.

I’ve never been invited to a rehearsal dinner, but from what I gather they are fun filled affairs complete with speeches, toasts, and the breaking of bread among the families and closest friends of the couple. At the 3 weddings where I was an out of towner I met up with the wedding party at local bars/restaurants and had a great time. Those nights usually involve plenty of introductions and a host like atmosphere for the couple and even though they try to make it seem like it’s just a normal night you can tell that they are a combination of nervous, excited, anxious, and maybe even a little scared.

The ceremony itself is wildly overrated. Other than actually witnessing the couple get pronounced man and wife it’s basically just church. Random people you don’t know do the readings (aunts/uncles of the bride or groom), a priest attempts to craft and deliver a message that will resonate with the crowd, and it’s usually 95 degrees and everyone is sweating. I guess it’s a little fun to pick the bride side or the groom side (I’ve sat bride side twice and groom side three times), but that’s where the fun stops.

Like I said, I’ve never been to a rehearsal dinner, so I hope that you correctly assumed that I’ve never been in a wedding party. Let’s just say that if I ever am I might set a new world record for the fastest walk up the aisle. Obviously it’s not an overwhelmingly stressful spot to be in because no one is there to see you, but for that 15-20 seconds most of the church is looking at you (unless the bridesmaid is a smokehouse). I’m sure I could handle it, but I’d put some money down that I come across as nervous/awkward.

Speaking of putting money down, the only way to get through the mass is to place a few wagers on the proceedings. For starters you can set an over under on how long the ceremony will take. To make it easier you can just start the clock when the bride walks past your pew and end when the couple passes you as they process out. The more interesting bets are on whether or not the bride, groom, and/or parents of the bride or groom will cry at any point during the ceremony. At the most recent wedding I attended we had 5 to 1 odds that the bride would cry and 3 to 1 odds that the groom would cry (because she’s more emotionally stable than him). I took a chance on the bride shedding a tear or two and after we heard conflicting reports we had the best man, who was sitting on the altar with the couple, settle the tie. She didn’t.

The post-wedding situation outside the church is something I don’t particularly enjoy. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand the whole rice or bubbles thing or the fact that I just want to start boozing. I mean, what’s the point of standing around outside the church after the wedding? I get that you can say congratulations to the parents, but aren’t you going to say the same thing at the reception?

The maximum time between the ceremony and the reception should be 90 minutes. No more than that. You don’t need two hours to take pictures. While we’re at the in-between the wedding and reception portion of this incoherent post, why do some women change before going to the reception? Why not just wear the dress that you want to wear to the reception to the wedding? I don’t get it. It’s not like your performing a concert and you want to mix up your wardrobe.

The cocktail hour is where it’s at. An open bar and finger foods. Where do I sign up? In some cases the hors d’oeuvres are better than the chicken, steak, or fish. As fun as the cocktail hour is everyone is really just focused on figuring out what table the bride and groom have placed them at. Maybe it’s my outgoing personality, or maybe it’s that I don’t have many friends, but in 4 of the 5 weddings I’ve been to there have been at least 2 people at my table who I’ve never seen before in my life. I say maybe it’s my outgoing personality because I think of these as “mixer tables” and someone has to get the conversation going.

When everyone is seated it’s time for the wedding party to make their entrance. For the most part these are incredibly weak. The groomsmen and bridesmaids always try to do something funny or creative when they get introduced, but rarely are their dance moves memorable. The most memorable wedding party introduction that I witnessed was the one that I was a part of. I gave the starting lineups introduced the wedding party at my friends’ wedding set to the tune of the Chicago Bulls entrance theme.

After the bride and groom enter they usually partake in their first dance. Selecting a quality song here is key and I don’t remember a single one that I’ve witnessed. Obviously the couple selects a song that means something to them, but where have the classics gone? Can we get, “She’s Got a Way” by Billy Joel, “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra, or “Brown-Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison? I was at a wedding in New Jersey a few weeks ago and we thought for sure that we’d hear “Jersey Girl” by Bruce Springsteen, but that ended up being wishful thinking. In fact, the only time I heard a Bruce Springsteen song the entire weekend was in my car.

While hardly anyone will remember the first song, most people will remember bits and pieces of speeches given by the maid of honor (it’s maid, not made, right?) and the best man. Maid of honor speeches usually go one of two ways. If the maid of honor is a sister the speech goes like this, “She’s been dreaming about this day her entire life. In fact, we used to act out this day when we were growing. She made me be her husband, but I’m glad that she found someone like (groom’s name) because he does a much better job than I did.” If the maid of honor is a friend the speech goes like this, “We went to college together and we hated each other. She always looked so pretty in every situation and I was so jealous, so I held it against her. Then we had biology class together and we had to work on a project together. We hit it off and have been best friends ever since. Now today, I’m still jealous of how pretty she looks, but I’m also incredibly happy that she found someone like (groom’s name) to spend her life with.” That’s it. Two versions.

There’s a little more range in the best man speech. Two of my closest friends have given them and have done a remarkable job. One of them even had my parents stand up, as the bride and groom met at my house when my parents were on vacation. Now I’ve never given a best man speech and I don’t envision that I’ll have too many chances to do so, but I think the success of them usually comes down to three things. Length, humor, and heartfelt emotion. You have to keep things short. No one is there to see you. They are there for the couple and they want to eat their dinner and dance the night away. That said, you want to be entertaining, so you have to mix in a few jokes. The jokes obviously have to be tasteful because there are adults everywhere, but there has to be 2-3 lines in the speech that will illicit laughter. Lastly, you have to demonstrate true, genuine emotion toward the groom. You obviously mean a lot to him, so the onus is on you to tell the crowd how great of a person he is.

After that, eat, dance, and get hammered. Not necessarily in that order.


A few more notes (I’m sure I can add to this list):

- Father/daughter dance song suggestion- “Daughter” by Loudon Wainwright

- What do you get the bride and groom? Money. The rule of thumb is that you give them the amount that your plate costs. I usually give $125-$150. Write a short message in the card, so it’s something a little different for the bride when she opens all of the cards.

- I was at a wedding in Denver in January and almost made it the entire weekend without a Tebow reference until the maid of honor somehow slipped it into her speech