That's What He Said- Chapter 11

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Chapter 11

Kristen’s letter did more than properly put this overblown campus issue into perspective. It also reminded people that I was ready and willing to defend my position.

Upon returning to school after Thanksgiving break I received an email from a Race, Gender, and Ethics teacher named Renee White. She politely asked if I would come and speak to her class and I gladly accepted. I was so convinced that I was 100% in the right that I would have accepted an invitation to debate Susan B. Anthony, Rosie the Riveter¹, or Betty Friedan.

Professor White was a tall, African American woman in her early 30s who wore thick black rimmed glasses (the geek chic look) and had what almost looked like a female afro. It was frizzy and poofed up, but didn’t fall past her neck line. It did what a headband would do, but she didn’t wear one. Also, maybe it’s just me, but have you ever noticed that the majority of people with the last name White are black and the majority of people with the last name Black are white? I trust that someone has done a research study on this phenomenon.

In the days leading up to my appearance in Professor White’s class I learned that my editor in chief, Steph, would be accompanying me on the trip. I assumed that she was just loving this undue attention that my column attracted and wanted to come with, but I guess it made sense for her to tagalong because where I had to defend what I wrote she had to defend printing it almost verbatim. I also learned that one of my friends, a girl named Lauren, who lived with the Kristen in my grade that stomped all over my heart, was in the class. She told me that there were two Race, Gender, and Ethics classes taught by Professor White and that the most fired up females from the other class were giving up their free time (some were even skipping another class) just to get a piece of me.

I was not nervous in the least when I entered the classroom alongside Steph. In fact, I did not prepare anything at all for my “celebrity” appearance. All I did was double check my math on what I thought was my most incendiary line. “You catch STDs better than you do footballs.” I thought that the girls with an axe to grind would most likely point to this sentence to illustrate that I had gone too far. Knowing this, I did a little research and found out that at the time 1 in 3 college aged females that were sexually active had an STD. The number is probably worse now, but if I was asked to defend this line I planned on dropping that statistic and then saying, “If I picked four random females and threw a football at them as hard as I could from 10-15 yards away I highly doubt that more than 1 would be able to catch it. In fact, I coached a PowderPuff team and during drills no one could catch the ball when I put a little mustard on my throws. Next question².”

As the class began Professor White gave Steph and I a chance to make some opening remarks, as if this was a trial by jury. Steph gave a little spiel about how she didn’t agree with most of the things that I wrote, but knew that I wasn’t a malicious person, and felt confident in printing my words because I, and ultimately her, were protected by our first amendment rights. I don’t think she said another word the rest of the class because the crowd was there to see me. In my opening comments I simply stated that 1.) It’s a humor column. I write with the male population of Fairfield in mind and 2.) I didn’t intend for the female student body to become so outraged. In fact, I’m kind of surprised by it because I don’t think that anything that I’ve written was all that serious.

This was followed by a 20-25 minute question and answer session that went something like this. (Many questions were asked, but these are ones that I specifically remember)

Female #1- Do you think that anything that you’ve written has been disrespectful to women? Like obviously you must because you’re here and there’s been this public outcry, right? So is there anything you regret writing?

Me- No, there is nothing I regret writing. Like I said, I’m a little surprised that there’s been such an outcry because I don’t think anything that I’ve written has been that bad.

Female #1 (with a quick follow up)- What about when you said that you want to throw a brick at girls’ faces?

Me- This is a humor column. You can’t take things literally. Would I actually throw a brick at a girl’s face? Of course not. But have I wanted to? Absolutely. I was writing to that urge. It’s just like how girls always say that they want to kick a guy in the balls. We all feel that desire, but we restrain ourselves. I’m writing to a male audience and that was a line that I thought they would enjoy.

Female #2- Is what you write things that have happened to you? Are things personal?

Me- Honestly, no. I mean, sure my own personal experiences influence my writing, but I approach this role as if I’m speaking for every guy on campus. When Jackie and I pick a topic I mix and match stories that my friends have told me to put forth what I think is the most accurate, and humorous, representation of the collective male opinion on that topic. Jackie, on the other hand, basically writes only about herself and her own personal experiences and more often than not I think that her words unintentionally end up backing up my points. I’m not saying that her approach is wrong and my way is right. They are just different. We have different writing styles.

Female #3- After the initial outrage didn’t you feel compelled to tone things down a notch?

Me- Sort of. Like I said, I was taken aback by most of the letters to the editor and all of that. I literally couldn’t believe that my words were prompting such a reaction because I didn’t think that they were offensive. After the initial outcry I sent an email to my old News Writing teacher who’s been like a writing mentor for me. She, a big supporter of woman’s rights no less, told me that I may be pushing the line, but and I quote “you should never compromise your writer’s voice.” I trust her opinion more than anyone else’s when it comes to writing, so I took her advice and stuck to my guns, so to speak.

Female #4 (the point guard of the women’s basketball team)- But wait. You’re contradicting yourself. I thought you just said that most of what you write isn’t based on your own personal experiences and now you’re saying that it’s your voice? That doesn’t make sense.

Me- No, no no. I take what I hear from my friends, their stories, things they’ve heard, and let me just tell you that much like I have no idea what girls say when guys aren’t around, you have no idea what kind of things come out of guys’ mouths when there aren’t any girls around. My writing is incredibly tame compared to that, but back to your question. Basically I take what I hear, my friends’ stories, their experiences and I put it all into my own words. The words I choose and the way I phrase and present the themes and concepts from their stories is my “writer’s voice”.

Female #5- How would you feel if Jackie wrote things that were offensive to guys?

Me- Well to be perfectly honest I don’t think she has it in her. Like I said earlier, she usually just sticks with her own personal opinions and experiences. Also, I don’t think there’s much that a female could write that would cause guys to react the way girls have reacted to my columns. Simply put, guys just aren’t as emotional. That said, if she wants to fight fire with fire I say bring it on.

Female #6- This isn’t so much a question as it’s a comment. Before today people told me that you weren’t really a mean spirited person and that you just wrote this stuff to get laughs and I believed them, but after today I don’t anymore.

Me- I’m sorry you feel that way.


Meanwhile, Jackie was upset with the way things were going with our columns and voiced her opinion to our editors (one of whom was her best friend and housemate, the Ice Cat’s girlfriend). She claimed that I was shooting down virtually all of her topic ideas. Technically she wasn’t wrong. Most of her ideas were either awful or specific to our Senior class (something I really wanted to avoid). During one of my many trips to The Mirror’s office I was told that I needed to be more receptive to Jackie’s ideas. I said, “Ok, fine. I’ll let her pick the next topic.”

Normally Jackie’s complaining to our editors would have really irritated me, but to be honest, it didn’t bother me at all. Jackie had broached the subject plenty of times to me in our conversations and I knew that she had probably just mentioned it to her friend. Basically she didn’t do it in a typical, annoying female way.

Either way Jackie’s brilliant topic idea was, “Can guys and girls ever just me friends?” Knowing that I basically had to let her have one I agreed to the topic.

The Mirror on December 12th, 2007

Can guys and girls ever just be friends?


No.


1 Yes, I know she was a fictional character. That’s how confident I was.^↩
2 A line made famous by NFL super agent Drew Rosenhaus, who said the phrase 4 straight times during a press conference outside his client Terrell Owens’ home in 2005.^↩