TV Timeout

Not only is football back in full swing, but so too is the fall TV season. Many of our favorite shows have unveiled their season premieres in the past week (The Emmy’s were also on Sunday) and most people can’t keep their thoughts to themselves, so I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Facebook posts about them. Rather than annoy you with meaningless drivel in the minutes after a show airs (Who watches shows live anymore anyway? It’s called a DVR people) I’ve instead chosen to simply list my current Top 10 favorites. Not all of these shows are currently airing new episodes, but, in my opinion, they are the best of the best.

Before all of you clowns that watch 6 hours of singing competitions on a weekly basis freak out I should tell you that I did not consider reality television shows (If I did The Challenge would definitely be in the mix). In order to make my list the show not only needed to be scripted out by very talented writers, but also acted out by real life actors (my apologies to Family Guy, South Park, etc.). I also didn’t include late night shows, political programs, or hybrids of the two (my apologies to The Daily Show, Colbert Report, etc.)


10.) Episodes (Showtime)- I’m probably the only person in America that watches this show about a British couple who move to the United States to write a television show that stars Matt LeBlanc as a hockey coach. Trust me when I tell you that the dialogue is filled with sharp, biting intelligent humor. It’s honestly one of the best written shows on television and I crack up every time I watch this show, but I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.

9.) How I Met Your Mother (CBS)- This used to be a top 3 show for me, but it’s fallen off considerably in my opinion. Episodes are very hit or miss nowadays. In fact, here’s my buddy Frank’s CNN.Com recap (please click the link) of the season premiere.

"After watching the season premiere of "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday, I realized that I'll most likely find the mother of my future children before Ted Mosby does (Vegas actually has me going off at 4-to-2 odds).

Then again, all I have to deal with is fate, chemistry, luck, mathematical probability and guys who have great abs, like Robin's new boyfriend.

Ted, on the other hand, has to deal with a show that refuses to get to the point.

Monday's season premiere, "Farhampton," picked up right where we left off - sort of. At first, everything happened in the future ... and then in the past ... and then in the future again? Honestly, I don't know. I get confused watching "Survivor."

But what I do know is that we were once again given an episode with a lot of interesting plot points that - thanks to "HIMYM" being its own spoiler alert - didn't go anywhere.

Going through last season's greatest "possibly-The-Mother" hits of Victoria, The Slutty Pumpkin, Robin and somehow Victoria again was at times as burdensome as actually talking to one's own mother (just kidding Ma, love you!). I mean, sure, it served the show's ultimate purpose, but it overshadowed some of the other intriguing occurrences.

For example, the plotline of Marshall and Lily having a baby (also known as a "greatest middle name of all time" nominee, Marvin "Waitforit" Erickson) and Barney getting engaged were all just footnotes in the search to get to The Mother of all "HIMYM" answers.

And now, at the start of a fresh season, we get an episode with more footnotes:

"Lily and Marshall are soooo tired that they're basically under-the-sea zombies! Hilarious, right?" [Don't care, get to the Mother.]

"How about Ted sitting at a train station in the future where we see a woman with a yellow umbrella who could maybe, possibly be the Mother?" [Blank stare.]

See what I mean?

The explanation Victoria's runaway groom, Klaus, gave to Ted on how Victoria is "almost the thing you want but not quite" was fitting. It was a great moment, but it's also pretty much what "HIMYM" is right now. It's "almost the thing you want but not quite."

Yet, I still hold hope that we'll find that "lifelong treasure of destiny" sooner rather than later.

8.) 30 Rock (NBC)- The best way to describe 30 Rock is occasionally wacky, but always incredibly witty. Despite having what I think is a very good memory I struggle to remember many lines as I’m walking out of a movie theater, but the writing in 30 Rock is so impressive that I routinely remember plenty of lines from each episode. Alec Baldwin, a notorious liberal, playing an uber conservative in Jack Donaghy is almost as impressive as Neil Patrick Harris, a homosexual, playing a womanizer in Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother.

7.) Dexter (Showtime)- I could do without the inner monologues about “The Dark Passenger” and the visions of his dead father, but the show is still an absolute thrill to watch. There’s a new villain every season and even though you know that Dexter will end up killing him/her, it’s a 12 week suspense filled journey with twists and turns that you never expect. This villain per season formula makes it incredibly easy to distinguish specific episodes, plot lines, etc.

6.) Veep (HBO)- A situational comedy set in the second highest political office in the country? Yes, please. I almost watched all 8 episodes of Veep in one sitting (despite what you may think, I don’t have that much free time). Julia Louis-Dreyfus is incredible and the Emmy she won the other night was very well deserved. I can’t think of another actor/actress who has become synonymous with a character that they’ve played that has been able to have such success in a future endeavor. As great as she is on the show, Tony Hale (formerly Buster Bluthe in Arrested Development) might be even better.

5.) Breaking Bad (AMC)- What’s impressive about Breaking Bad is that it started as this semi-realistic story about a high school chemistry who starts cooking meth to pay for his cancer treatment, but things escalated very quickly and the show hasn’t lost any of its luster. Some plot lines are so ridiculous nowadays (the train episode), but they still have you on the edge of your seat. I also hate over 50% of the characters on the show, but I’m still hooked.

4.) Homeland (Showtime)- All you really need to know is that it swept the 3 biggest awards at the Emmy’s on Sunday Night (Best Drama Series, Best Actor/Actress in a Drama Series). Homeland is about a bipolar CIA agent who has a hunch about a military war hero. If you liked 24 you’ll love Homeland. There’s a lot of interrogations, theories, escaping from impossible situations, and the usual plot twists and episode ending cliff hangers.

3.) Modern Family (ABC)- I don’t think anything will ever live up to the first season, which is an incredible re-watch, but Modern Family continues to churn out laugh out loud moments week after week. I could do without their insistence on projecting a heartfelt family moral message at the end of every episode (this isn’t Full House), but the characters are about as indelible as they get. Phil, Manny, Cam, and Dylan (in that order) are simply hysterical.

2.) Mad Men (AMC)- I’ve written about Mad Men a lot in the past and even though this most recent season wasn’t one of the best the show is still amazing. I hate time period pieces. Give me a show/movie about the present day over a time period piece (past or future) any day of the week, but Mad Men is different. For starters, it gives kids our age a glimpse into the world that our parents grew up in. If that doesn’t at least mildly intrigue you than I can’t help you. The show is serious in that it deals with real world problems (or at least the major issues of the day in the 60’s) and isn’t looking for any laughs. It’s a drama in the best connotation of the word. It’s also smart and beautifully written. Some people find the show slow and boring, but they’re also the ones going to the movie theater to see Abraham Lincoln slay vampires and Kevin James as an MMA fighter.

1.) Parks and Recreation (NBC)- A comedy about a small (fictional) town government bureaucracy that continues to get funnier year after year. It used to be the only Thursday night comedy on NBC that I didn’t watch and now it’s my favorite show on television.

Here’s what Grantland’s Andy Greenwald had to say after last week’s season premiere:

“In programming, recapping, and basic automotive care, the squeaky wheel always gets the most attention. This is a shame, particularly so in the case of Parks and Recreation, the smoothest-running comedy on television. While all of its neighbors are lassoing headlines for being badly rated, badly in need of euthanasia, or merely being bad, Parks is in the midst of a nearly unprecedented run of excellence. Real talk: Since figuring itself out in its second season, Parks has strung together dozens of episodes of such high quality and remarkable consistency that it hearkens back to the golden age of NBC’s Thursday nights.”

Here’s a sample of a fantastic Q&A with head writer Michael Schur done by GQ:

"GQ: We were talking earlier about making sure your show has a beating heart underneath, that the characters all love each other. Do you ever have a problem where you pull back too far? Where you're like, "This is too nice. I need these people to fight a little bit more." How hard is it to find that line?

Mike Schur: Well, it is very hard, and there's no comedy without conflict. That's one of the most basic truisms of comedy. The way our show has chosen to find that conflict is often by external threats—in other words, the core group of people are usually on the same team, and they're dealing with outside opposition. So instead of doing a bunch of stories where Tom and April hate each other, we do a story where April is running a pet adoption, and she hates the people who are not adopting the pets because she sunk a lot of work into the pet adoption and no one is showing up, and she gets really angry at the town, and then Tom shows up at her house and says, "Hey, you worked really hard, and that one little girl who adopted a puppy is really happy, and you should be happy about that."

Now, occasionally, for obvious reasons, you have to have your main characters in opposition to each other. Otherwise it gets really boring. I mean, Ron and Leslie, for example, have completely opposing worldviews. Ron is like a 19th-century libertarian who thinks that everyone should leave everyone else alone in all matters, and the government should be one guy sitting in a room, and his only power is he gets to decide who to nuke. That's his idea of perfect government. And obviously Leslie is an incredibly progressive person who believes that the government is the very fabric of a society and that it can do all these amazing things to help its citizens. So they come into conflict all the time, and we try to show in that relationship that as friends, as humans, they have a great deal of respect for each other, and they see the best in each other. Ron admires Leslie's work ethic, and Leslie admires Ron's integrity, so that even when they're fighting, you know that they still care about each other. There are ways to create conflict that aren't just, "These two people hate each other for this 30-minute show."

Week 4 NFL Picks

Browns +12 at Ravens
Patriots -4 at Bills
Vikings pick ‘em at Lions
at Falcons -7.5 vs. Panthers
49ers -4 at Jets
at Chiefs pick ‘em vs. Chargers
Titans +12 at Texans
at Rams +3 vs. Seahawks
at Cardinals -6.5 vs. Dolphins
at Broncos -6.5 vs. Raiders
at Jaguars +2.5 vs. Bengals
at Packers -7.5 vs. Saints
Redskins +3 at Bucs
Giants +2 at Eagles
Bears +3.5 at Cowboys

Last week- 6-9-1
Season- 21-25-2

NFL Picks- Week 3

No time for a long, unneccessary intro this week. I had an idea in mind, but I'm going to let it marinate for a week. Here are my Week 3 NFL picks...

Giants -1.5 at Panthers- Two things. 1.) Fuck Greg Schiano. 2.) The G-Men are playing without their starting left tackle, #1 running back, and their #1 and #3 wide receivers, but I still have to go with them after the resilience that Eli showed on Sunday.

Rams +7.5 at Bears- The Bears are the better team and they’ll win without Matt Forte, but I just hope that it’s close late and Jay Cutler explodes on his offensive line on the sidelines. I’m still a Cutler apologist, but even I have to admit that 4 of the 7 sacks that he surrendered last Thursday were his fault. My man needs to get rid of the ball.

at Cowboys -8 vs. Bucs- Eli torched the Bucs secondary for over 500 yards and I expect Romo to light it up as well. Someone needs to set Greg Schiano and the Bucs straight after that bullshit that they pulled on Sunday and I hope that the Cowboys are the ones to do it.

49ers -7 at Vikings- In just two weeks the 49ers have proven that last year was no fluke and that they’re the best team in the NFL. I’ve picked against them twice and will not make the same mistake this time around.

Lions -4 at Titans- In the battle for 1st/2nd round fantasy picks that are the most due I’ll take Matthew Stafford over Chris Johnson, who this week thought it was necessary to blame everyone except himself for his poor play so far this season.

at Redskins -3 vs. Bengals- Home teams went 11-4-1 against the spread last week, so when in doubt I’m leaning that way.

Jets -2 at Dolphins- Reggie Bush ran all over the Raiders, but he’s not going to have a hole any bigger than his ex girlfriend Kim Kardashian’s vagina this week against the Jets. I like New York in a rout.

at Saints -8.5 vs. Chiefs- I’ve picked these dogshit teams in both weeks and they fucked me over. When in doubt go with the home team.

Bills -3 at Browns- C.J. Spiller and Trent Richardson both broke out last week, but I’ll go with Firing Fitzy over Brandon Weeden. If the Bills have any hope of living up to their lofty preseason expectations (Playoffs?!?) then they need to take care of business on the road in Cleveland.

at Colts -3 vs. Jaguars- I could waste 2-3 minutes thinking of a mediocre pun involving the last name of Indianapolis’ quarterback or I could just say that I might pick against Jacksonville every week this season.

at Cardinals +3.5 vs. Eagles- Revenge for Kevin Kolb! Seriously though, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football (they’ve won 9 of their last 11 games) and they’re getting points at home.

at Chargers -3 vs. Falcons- Definitely the hardest game on the board to pick, but I think that the Falcons are due for a dud and that the Chargers will get a boost from having Ryan Mathews and Antonio Gates on the field this week.

at Broncos +2 vs. Texans- After his horrendous 1st quarter on Monday Night I think Peyton Manning will have a statement game against one of the AFC favorites.

at Raiders +4 vs. Steelers- The Raiders get off the schneid at home because the Steelers will be without Troy Polamalu and James Harrison.

Patriots +2 at Ravens- Baltimore is going to be all jacked up after last year's loss in the AFC Championship Game, but I think the Patriots are the more desperate team. The Pats win outright on the big stage of Sunday Night Football. Speaking of which, how hot is Faith Hill? Her little ditty every Sunday, despite the fact that she rhymes NBC twice in the span of 3 lines, is like an instant erection for 65% of the male population.

at Seahawks +3.5 vs. Packers- The Packers have been a little off so far this year, Seattle is a crazy environment, the Seahawk secondary had 3 Pro Bowlers last year, and when in doubt take the home dog.

Last week- 7-8-1
Season- 15-16-1

Don't Take Credit for That

I went to the bank on Monday to cash some fantasy football checks (thankfully the teller didn’t ask me about it) and to change the address on my account. Evidently I had already changed the address on my account online, but that didn’t stop the woman at the bank from acting surprised and telling me that I was pre-approved for a credit card with all sorts of rewards. My reply in short? Thanks, but no thanks. I’m 26 and a half years old (today’s my half birthday- thanks for the Facebook posts) and I do not possess a credit card. This may shock some of you, but I’m actually pretty proud of it.

I have a debit card which I got when I first set up my account in the summer of 2004 (what up graduation party money?). It swipes as a credit card when I need it to and the money automatically comes directly out of my checking account. I, to this day, do not see the need to get a credit card. I’ve thrown out the hundreds of envelopes from various companies trying to get me to sign up without even blinking. In fact, I’ve never seriously considered getting one. If someone could convince me otherwise I’m all ears, but I’ve yet to hear an argument about why I should have one.

Last year I went to the bank to get more checks and the woman assigned to help me was being trained that day, so some joker came over to show her how it’s done, so to speak. This guy pulled out all the stops in an attempt to impress the woman he was training. He must have thought it was a slam dunk, but boy was he wrong.

His arguments about why I needed to sign up for a credit card (he actually tried to convince me to get two, but I’ll keep it simple) went as follows. 1.) You have to get a credit card so that you can build good credit. There may be something to this, but only if you eventually cave and get a credit card. Why do I need to build good credit when I don’t plan on getting a credit card? Plus, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that I’m building good credit by paying my student loans, car payments, and bills on time.

2.) You get a lot of cool stuff. Do you want to know what else you get? Another bill every month. Besides, I don’t need cool stuff. I’m not a 13-year-old. If I want something bad enough I’ll buy it right then and there or save up until I can afford it.

3.) A credit card is good to have in case of an emergency. This dude wouldn’t let this one go. He must have asked me what I would do in case of an emergency about 6 times. First of all, I don’t know who he thought I was, but I don’t anticipate having to pay anyone any ransom money. Secondly, I have a savings account, money invested in the stock market (my dad is a stockbroker), and a healthy wad of cash stored away in my house. I’m pretty well equipped “in case of an emergency”, so I think I’ll be ok. Lastly, if people rely on a credit card in the event of an emergency won’t that just delay their issue and then ultimately make things worse with the interest? Isn’t that how credit card companies make money?

My anti-credit card stance is very similar to my anti-iPad stance. I don’t understand why having an iPad is so necessary? As far as I’m concerned people only get iPads so that they can tell people that they have them and so that their emails say “Sent from my iPad”. Again, if anything can convince me otherwise I’m all ears, but what does an iPad do that my laptop can’t? It’s smaller? Ok. Is that it? I’ll wait patiently for all of the emails sent from your iPads.


Here are my Week 2 NFL picks

Chicago +6 @ Green Bay- Jay Cutler has quickly become one of my favorite players in the NFL. Arrogance is one of favorite qualities in athletes and he has plenty of it. After Chicago’s Week 1 win over the Colts he told all of the dumb Pollock’s with no future who get wrecked and go to Soldier Field to cheer him on to shut up when they have the ball in the redzone. Then on Tuesday he had a message for the Green Bay secondary, “Good luck.” Green Bay wins, but the Bears keep it close. at

Giants -7 vs. Bucs- 1.) The Giants are going to play angry after losing last Wednesday (at least I hope they do) 2.) Victor Cruz is going to salsa dance all over the Tampa Bay secondary in honor of his grandmother, who was the inspiration for the dance and passed away this week. 3.) No one’s buying the Bucs, are they?

at Patriots -14 vs. Cardinals- I think the Cardinals are undervalued nationally (John Skelton is now 7-2 as a starting quarterback in the NFL- I know Kolb engineered the game winning drive and will start this week. Shut up.), but they’re no match for the Pats at home. The Patriots revamped defense held Chris Johnson to 4 yards on 11 carries in Nashville. How do you think the Ryan Williams/Beanie Wells two headed piece of shit is going to do?

at Colts +1.5 vs. Vikings- Minnesota had to go to overtime to beat the Jaguars at home and they’re road favorites? Where am I? After enduring a plethora of horrible “bad Luck” puns on Sunday I’m mildly intrigued to see what drivel the headline writers and sportscasters can up with after the Colts win. My guess? A big day from Donald Brown and a headline of “No Luck Needed”. Actually, who am I kidding? People were still praising Luck after his 3 INT debut. After the year and a half plus of slobbing on his knob the media refuses to critique him at all.

Saints -3 @ Panthers- I’m still waiting for the “Fuck Goodell” game from New Orleans and I’m hoping that they right the ship and put it together this week against an overrated Panthers team.

Chiefs +3 @ Bills- The Chiefs got smoked at home by the Falcons in Week 1, but it was close in the 3rd quarter and they were without their top CB (Drayton Florence) and their best past rusher (Tamba Hali). I expect them to play significantly better against a Bills team that looked dreadful in Week 1 and will now be without Fred Jackson and their #2 WR David Nelson.

Ravens +2 @ Eagles- Pretty simple here. The Ravens looked great in Week 1 and the Eagles looked bad. I’ll take the two points and hope that their respective Week 1 performances were telling.

Raiders -2.5 @ Dolphins- This is definitely a winnable game for the Dolphins, but I think that they’re the worst team in the NFL. The whole west coast team traveling to the east coast on a short week should send me running for the hills, but Miami is badddd.

at Bengals -7 vs. Browns- The Bengals got rocked by the Ravens, but BenJarvus Green-Ellis and the rest of the offense showed plenty of promise. The Browns offense, on the other hand, looked largely inept against the Eagles. This is probably very common, but I like how the teams that beat these two are playing each other in Week 2 as well.

Texans -7 @ Jaguars- In case you’re keeping track at home, this is the third road favorite that I’ve picked. I’m bucking all sorts of betting trends right now, but I don’t care. Houston’s defense is going to blitz the fuck out of Blaine Gabbert and Arian Foster/Ben Tate are going to run all over Jacksonville’s defense.

at Seahawks +3 vs. Cowboys- The last time the Cowboys played in Seattle was the infamous 2006 playoff game where Tony Romo botched the snap on what would have been the game winning field goal. I like Romo, but I think he’s got plenty of cobwebs in his brain and might try to force the issue a little bit this weekend. When he does the birds will be there to take advantage. Seattle sent ¾ of their secondary to the Pro Bowl last year.

at Rams +3.5 vs. Redskins- Everyone’s falling in love with Robert Griffin III after his Week 1 performance against the Saints in New Orleans. In fact, it’s only been a few days, but the coverage is excessive. They’re even trying to force this issue and turn this “Griffining” thing into what “Tebowing” was last year. Just stop it already. Take the points and hope that Jeff Fisher gets it done at home.

at Steelers -5.5 vs. Jets- This number is a little high for my liking, but I’m still bitter about what the Jets pulled off in their opener. Pittsburgh gets Ryan Clark and potentially James Harrison back, so I highly doubt that Mark Sanchez will be lighting up the scoreboard again. Pittsburgh 24, New York 13.

at Chargers -6 vs. Titans- If you can give me a reason to have faith in the Titans this weekend other than the return of Kenny Britt, which I think will be inconsequential, I’d like to hear it.

Lions +7 @ 49ers- The post game handshake is going to be more thoroughly scrutinized than the game itself. I won’t lie, though. The 49ers really impressed me last week. I just can’t lay 7 points to a team with an explosive offense like the Lions.

Broncos +3 at Falcons- Matt Ryan may have better weapons, the home crowd, and a more limber neck, but Peyton Manning has moxie.


Last week- 8-8
Season- 8-8

NFL picks- Week 1

A girl I went to college with, and a friend of the blog, hates football. It’s pretty amazing that we still talk considering the fact that football is so crucial to my occupation. Last year she was in an NFL pick’em pool where she had to pick every game of the NFL season against the spread. Naturally she leaned on my football acumen pretty heavily in making her picks. And by leaned on heavily I mean that she made me email her my picks every Friday and then sent them in. Through Week 8 (I stopped keeping track/she sort of abandoned the whole endeavor) I was 56-55-5 against the spread. Those numbers may not look that impressive, but I was pretty happy with them. Picking games against the spread, especially NFL ones, is no easy task. I’ve heard that if you can go 58% consistently then you can make a pretty good living just betting on sports. The problem, of course, is that everything thinks that they can.

I’m fully aware that I cannot. In fact, my buddy ran a college basketball pick’em pool a few years back and I finished dead last among 25-30 participants. I also routinely finish toward the bottom of NCAA Tournament pools. Despite working in sports media I have a very poor track record for picking games. I did win an NFL pick’em pool back in college, but it was just winners, not against the spread, so it doesn’t really count.

Now that I’ve sufficiently set the bar low it’s time to announce that I plan on posting my NFL picks every Friday right here on The Shampoo Effect. I will use the lines from scoresandodds.com (only seems appropriate) and will be honest about my picks on Thursday games. My one and only goal is to finish the year at or above .500.

And now without further ado. My Week 1 picks (my picks are on the left)...

Cowboys +4 @ NY Giants- I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way that the Stan Man, a Giants fan, picked the Cowboys in last night’s game. A defending Super Bowl champion hadn’t lost their season opener since the ’98 Broncos. Here’s the thing. I didn’t think that the Giants would lose. In fact, I was very confident that they’d find a way to pull it out last night, but I didn’t think that they’d cover the 4 points. This was one of those games where no one, and I mean no one, even gave the Cowboys a shot. This bothered me greatly. I prefer to see analysts pick against my favorite teams.

@ Bears -9.5 vs. Colts- I’m very high on the Bears this year. The last time Jay Cutler and Matt Forte were healthy for a full season they ended up in the NFC Championship Game. Throw in Brandon Marshall and the monsters of the midway might have something cooking. Chicago’s offensive line still blows (when Kristin Cavalarri got pregnant everyone in Chicago was saying, “Just another example of Jay Cutler’s protection breaking down.”) and their defense is old, but they’re going to run all over an inferior Colts team and welcome Andrew Luck into the NFL with at least 2 interceptions.

Eagles -8.5 @ Browns- The Eagles always worry me because they could either win 35-10 or lose 16-13. 8.5 is a lot to lay down, but the Browns are dreadful. They’re playing without their best defensive player (Joe Hayden), their stud rookie running back has an injured knee, and they’re starting a 28-year-old rookie quarterback with red hair. Andy Dalton has already staken claim to the “Red Rifle” nickname, so there’s no way that Brandon Weeden has a productive year, right?

Bills +3 @ NY Jets- The only thing more embarrassing than ESPN’s coverage of Tim Tebow is the Jets offense. I know that you shouldn’t read too much into the preseason, but the Jets have zero offensive weapons. The Bills have two in Fred Jackson and Stevie Johnson, who just so happens to be the only wide receiver to put up consistent numbers against Darrelle Revis. Oh, and remember the Jets’ right tackle issues? Yeah, good luck blocking Mario Williams.

@ Saints -7 vs. Redskins- I doubted Cam Newton last year too, so RGIII could certainly prove me wrong, but I can’t take a rookie QB on the road in Week 1. Plus, how amped up are the Saints going to be to get on the field after the off-season that they had? The Redskins defense is solid, but I can see Brees and company putting up 30+.

Patriots -6 @ Titans- I’ll be surprised if this line isn’t at -7.5 by Sunday. Seriously, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick against a kid who’s making his first NFL start at quarterback?

@ Minnesota -4 vs. Jaguars- In a battle of 2^nd year quarterbacks you take the one at home. It’s really as simple as that. Besides, Gabbert’s a pussy and Ponder can run a little bit.

@ Texans -13 vs. Dolphins- You watched HardKnocks. Do you think the Dolphins have a prayer in this one? Is a rookie QB who doesn’t know the divisions and thinks a cardiologist gives prostate exams really going to cover against one of the top defenses in the league? Yeah, no chance. Lay the points.

@ Detroit -7.5 vs. Rams- Another year and another offensive scheme for Sam Bradford. I’m starting to feel bad for the kid. This pick is more about a lack of talent on the Rams than it is about the Lions. I don’t expect Detroit to be nearly as good as they were last year, but they’re too explosive not to cover in this one.

@ Chiefs +3 vs. Falcons- Why does everyone have a hard on for Matty Ice and the Falcons this year? Last season the Falcons played Week 1 on the road and got thrashed by the Bears 30-12. Now I’m not calling the Chiefs the Bears, but they do get Jamaal Charles, Eric Berry, and Tony Moeaki back from injury and they’ve added Peyton Hillis to complement Charles in the backfield. Arrowhead is going to be crazy on Sunday and I think the Chiefs will walk away with the win.

@ Packers -5 vs. 49ers- We know one thing for sure, Vernon Davis is going to cry win or lose. In the battle of the league’s top offense against the league’s top defense I’ll go with the best player in the sport.

@ Cardinals +3 vs. Seahawks- John Skelton is 6-2 as a starter in the NFL. Russell Wilson, despite the verbal fellatio by the media, is 0-0. I’ll take the home dog. Plus, the Cardinals will have the best player on the field on Sunday in Larry Fitzgerald.

@ Bucs +2.5 vs. Panthers- Ryan Kalil and the Panthers might have to suspend that Super Bowl parade. I know the Bucs have a new coach, new running back, etc., but why am I supposed to love Carolina this year? Yes, Cam Newton was awesome last year, but the team still went 6-10. I’ll go with Josh Freeman and the Bucs to win outright at home in Week 1.

 

@ Broncos -1.5 vs. Steelers- The Broncos beat the Steelers in Mile High with Tebow last year, so who’s to say that they can’t do it with Peyton Manning under center? Pittsburgh’s defense isn’t getting any younger and Big Ben can only mask their offensive line problems so long. #18 (I’m usually against this unless it involves Matt Saracen, but I think it works for Peyton) wins his debut in Denver going away 27 to 16.

Bengals +6 @ Ravens- The Ravens have won the last 3 meetings with the Bengals and I think they’ll get the win on Sunday night, but I’m taking the points. The Bengals are getting better while the Ravens are getting older. The Bengals finished last season 7^th in defense and have definitely upgraded their offense in the off-season. They got better at RB with BenJarvus Green-Ellis, added another WR by drafting Mohamed Sanu, and should see improvement from Andy Dalton and budding super stat A.J. Green.

Chargers +1 @ Raiders- Over/under 3.5 times that Chris Berman, who’ll be on the call for ESPN on Monday, says “the Raiiiiiiiiiders”? I’ll take the over there, but a loss for Oakland. I know that the Norv Turner Chargers traditionally start slow, but I have a feeling that I’ll be kicking myself for this pick on Tuesday that Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates will lead the Bolts to victory.