They Should Make it a Movie

The following post was written by my older brother Jimmy. Believe it or not, I think this is the first time in my life that I've read something that he's written. Either way, I was very surprised to see that he writes....sort of like I do.


When thinking about cartoons and old school tv shows, a number of nostalgic characters and memories come to mind. The best of those, in my opinion, were between the years 1985 and 1999 (the years of my life where anything on television intrigued me no matter what it was). Either way, these characters and stories stuck with me. To switch from Saturday morning cartoons, to TGIF, to Nickelodeon sometimes, to Nickelodeon all the time - tv was one of my best friends. As sad as that sounds (things are much worse today), I have my favorites as everyone else does, and those I will share with you now.

The Smurfs



Cartoon movie? eh, no big deal, right? Think Pixar - a computer animated movie about the Smurfs would be right up there with Toy Story and Shrek. They could revive one of the greatest cartoons ever made with very little effort. Between the film and the cross promotional products like action figures, stuffed animals, etc. they'd make a boatload. Just imagine some of the possible plot lines. Gargamel and his dumb fucking cat, I don't remember it's name (I hate cats, and I want them all to die) could terrorize the Smurfs like they always do, Brainy Smurf could get upset because all of the other Smurfs are dumb as shit, Papa Smurf could lead the Smurfs to victory and/or a peaceful existence, and Smurfette could solicit sex to the rest of the Smurf population who may or may not have genetalia (watch Donnie Darko). Step up to the plate John Lasseter (co-founder of Pixar).

Boy Meets World



Yes, I know that this would be tough because all of the actors are in their late 30s by now, but Corey Matthews was the man. So much in fact, that when my twin sisters were bored with their Barbie dolls, a spoon (Cory Matthews) married a fork (Topanga). I always wanted Chubbies to be a real life place. Shawn and Cory brought so many girls in and out of that place they should have called it "Get a Chubby." I don't think anyone liked the older brother, Eric, but Feeny, Alan & Amy (the mom and dad), Mr. Turner, Minkus, and Topanga were all characters that we could either relate to, or were just so unique to the story of "Boy Meets World," that making this into a movie would be an incredible idea (the younger sister Morgan can die and be forgotten in the movie too).

Saved By The Bell



Even though "The College Years" bombed, I'd still love to see them make Saved By the Bell into a movie. They'd have to use young actors and actresses because, as Jimmy Fallon proved, it's nearly impossible to get the original cast together. The main problem is that Dustin Diamond (Screech) has turned into a complete dumpster fire. His story is truly a cautionary tale. That being said, who wouldn't love to see the Zack Morris, A.C Slater, and Kelly Kapowski love triangle back at it again? Saved By The Bell taught me many life lessons as I was growing up and I think its transition to the silver screen has been long overdue.

Captain Planet



This show may have been the greatest cartoon written and animated of all time. In fact, it may be the most underrated show of my childhood. Yes, it was strange, but it was clearly well before its time. "Going green" seems like something that's only been going on for the last 5 years or so. In 1990, when the show came out, we were still spraying CFCs everywhere and throwing the newspaper in the trash can. Captain Planet knew exactly what he was doing - saving planet Earth. Sexual innuendo aside, he "planted the seed" in generation Y's youth. This has all sorts of movie potential. They could cut off his green mullet and market the shit out of this to kids today. The power is yours!

The Wonder Years



How have they not made this a movie by now? I understand that no one wants to tarnish a classic tv show with new actors that might not fit the part as well as the originals, but this show was so well done, that I truly believe that they could either recreate it as a remake on tv (Bevery Hills 90210 style), or as a movie. Jack Arnold, the most miserable tv dad of all time besides Al Bundy, could probably still play the same part (if Keith Hernandez can use Just For Men, so can this guy). The hot older sister can be played by anyone - just go to the nearest Dave Matthews Band concert and pick up a random blonde hippie doing whip-its in the parking lot. Paul Fifer can also be played by anyone. It's not that hard to find a random nerd with every allergy known to man. Of course, Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper would be the hardest to "recreate." Look-alike characters don't work (thanks for sucking 'Superman Returns' Christopher Reeves look-alike), but if done correctly this could really work as a movie.

Bottom line, when "the big wigs" are trying to market movies towards people in my peer group, it would make the most sense to try and bring back something from our childhood. Yes, I know this has been done with Transformers and Spiderman, but what I'm saying is that this needs to be done more often, and not incorrectly. It's a fine line, but I don't want any of my childhood favorites to be ruined by a shitty movie; however if a chance needs to be taken, and the movie is actually good, I'd be more than happy. Reliving my childhood in anyway makes me feel happier than any amount of booze ever could, so wise up Hollywood. Get the ball rolling, and roll that shit right.

Hate List 2.0

Well folks, I think it's about time to update my hate list. Again, it's more of a "things that irriate/annoy me" list, but hate sounds a lot cooler. For those of you that have forgotten, my first installment went a little something like this:

1.) One word text messages
2.) Women that keep their maiden names
3.) Cigarette smoking
4.) Drew Barrymore
5.) People that wait at a 4-way stop sign until an oncoming car comes to a complete stop before they go
6.) Pocket dialing
7.) Touchdown. Commercial. Kickoff. Commercial.
8.) The word "cliche"
9.) People who smack their lips when they eat
10.) The "Happy Birthday (insert name here)" Facebook wall post

And now for installment version 2.0....

1.) People who reference the speech writing process when giving a speech- Like give the speech, don't tell the audience about your thought process when you sat down to write the speech. I think it's tacky when people say things like, "When I was first asked to give this speech I immediately thought of the quote by", "When I thought about what I would say today, I wrote down a few key points", "In college I was taught to start a speech with a quote, joke, or personal story".

Is your speech about giving a speech? or is there an actual topic? The commencement speaker at my sisters' graduation last weekend commited this faux pas and it particularly bothered me because that is like the major league of giving speeches.

Speaking of giving a commencement speech, I think I'm going to add that to my lifelong to-do list. I don't know how I'm going to become worthy of such an honor, but I think I could deliver a rip-roaring, practical commencement address.

2.) People who claim that they can't see a credit card/ticket screen- I've been behind two such people (more often than not women) in the past month and it's irked me both times. The first was a woman buying a train ticket on the platform who took forever claiming that she couldn't see the screen because of the glare. Now I'll admit that sometimes there is a glare, but it's really not that hard to deal with. All you have to do is position your body in front of the screen and focus just a little bit and you should have no problem. Another fool proof method is to wear sunglasses (which I do not do).

Which brings us to the second time this happened to me in the past month. A woman in front of me at the checkout in the grocery store claimed that she couldn't read the credit card screen, which is mind boggling because there isn't a glare when you're indoors. Her problem was that she was wearing sunglasses (which I contend still shouldn't have made it difficult to read the screen).

I consider myself to be a relatively patient person, but when things like this slow me up, I get a little upset.

3.) People who fail to take control of the intersection when making a left hand turn- If you're the first in line at a red light and it turns green, under no circumstances should you have to wait at that red light again. How people don't realize this is beyond me. Let's say you're taking a left, but a long line of cars in the opposite direction is going straight. What you should do is idle out into the middle of the intersection to "take control". This way, when the light turns red, you have to complete your turn or else traffic can not continue. I'm under the impression that at least two cars per green light cycle should be able to make a left hand turn even if traffic in the opposite direction is continuous. Too many times have I sat behind someone that doesn't take control and is subsequently forced to wait through the same red light twice.

4.) The "Wow, that's a low price" Staples commercial- This, to me, is negative advertising. If I need office supplies I am now going to go out of way to avoid Staples because of this horrendously annoying commercial. I'm not kidding when I say that it's right up there with the 13 letter word for marriage proposal travesty that I bagged on months ago. I literally cringe every time I see it and immediately turn the dial.

5.) When all of the responses to an email chain on Gmail suddenly repurpose themselves and you have to scroll through them all to see the most recent response- I'm not sure if I explained that properly, but that's something that I'll never understand.

6.) Meryl Streep- Everyone always says that, "She's such a great actress" "She's the actress of our generation" "She's beautiful", but let's get a few things straight. I'm willing to admit that she's a very talented actress. There's no denying that; however I've never enjoyed any of her performances. To me, she seems a bit pretentious, especially at the Academy Awards. Also, she's definitely not the actress of my generation seeing that she's 37 years my senior. Lastly, she's by no means "beautiful" now and quite frankly she wasn't that good looking back in her hey day.

7.) When my DVR fails to record the scenes from the next episode- This isn't a huge deal, but I'm a sucker for the scenes for the next episode, so I get bothered when I miss them. I also routinely miss The Daily Show's moment of zen about once a week even though I record The Daily Show from 11-11:30 and The Colbert Report from 11:30-12. How that's possible I can't figure out. I realize that the DVR is set to record by exact times, but can't we figure out a way to record the shows themselves from start to finish?

8.) Ironing- I can't stand ironing. It's such a tedious and annoying task. Not to mention that I think I'm bad at it (if that's even possible). I'll iron a shirt and pants and there won't be any wrinkles. Then I'll put said shirt and pants on and it's wrinkles galore. Call me crazy, but I think that not having to iron your clothes ever again (as well as other tedious tasks) is a major selling point for marriage.

9.) Facebook messages from events- There's nothing worse than signing onto Facebook and seeing that you have a message only to then find out that it's from an event that you haven't responded to yet. Oh the party starts at 8:15 instead of 8:30? The open bar is $40 not $35? Seriously, I don't care. Stop wasting my time.

10.) Wearing glasses in the rain- There's some money to made here. Someone needs to invent something to literally wipe this problem away (sorry about the bad pun, it's what I do). I don't think wipers on glasses are really practical, but maybe water resistant glasses? Quickdry frames?

Lost

I'll be honest. I'm a little burnt out right now. I'm moving at the end of the month, I'm working a lot more because of the NBA playoffs, I'm feeling old because I just went and saw my little sisters graduate from college, I'm sleeping less, and my creative juices are running low. In sum, my blog game is lacking. For that I apologize. Thankfully whenever this happens I can turn to my buddy Frank, who is a blogger extraordinaire.

I've linked to his blog, The Pop Culture Initiative, on the bottom right hand side of the page, but I'm under the impression that most of you don't click on the links that I provide.

Therefore I'm going borrow his intellectual property and re-post his most recent work, even though it's about a television show that I have never seen. Yes, it's about the LOST finale, but trust me when I tell you that you don't need to be a follower of the show to enjoy it. He ends the post with a cheesy line, but it's truly an excellent article. In fact, he claims that Entertainment Weekly re-posted it on their website.

Lastly, before I get to the article I've got two things to say to those of you that regularly read this blog and Frank's.
1.) You should because they're both awesome
2.) This article is worth reading twice, so I'm sorry I'm not sorry for re-posting it.




"Mystery, now more than ever, has special meaning. Because it’s the anomaly, the glaring affirmation that the Age of Immediacy has a meaningful downside. Mystery demands that you stop and consider—or, at the very least, slow down and discover. It’s a challenge to get there yourself, on its terms, not yours…The experience of the doing really is everything. The ending should be the end of that experience, not the experience itself.”

- J.J. Abrams

In about 96 hours, give or take, LOST will be over. No more waiting for answers, you’ll have them (or at-least you’ll have the answers the writers and creators want you to have). No more being teased into waiting a week or sometimes months at a time for the next episode, for the next morsel of an answer to the puzzle that is LOST. You will have all the puzzles pieces that you will ever have. Will the picture make complete sense to you? Probably not. Knowing LOST as well as I think I do (we’ve been married for about six years now), the puzzle picture will probably be a picture of another puzzle. This will also most likely enrage the majority of the people who tune in. However, to these people I say, you’re missing the point.

Mystery is a rare commodity in today’s world. Almost nothing is mysterious anymore. If you want to know something about someone somewhere you have more tools now than any human has had in the history of mankind. Google, Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Bing, Skype, AIM, cell phones, digital cameras, cell phones that are digital cameras, etc., etc., all exist to make sure you never have to wonder about anything ever again. These tools should make us feel like Gods. Unfortunately, they make us feel like ants, and ants under a burning microscope. Why is this? See, another question that needs an answer. Well, it’s because we have sacrificed mystery in to the unholy God of answers that we don’t even really want. We’ve fast forwarded to the end of the book in hopes that ending is a happy one. What we failed to realize is that by not reading the whole story, or better yet, letting the story fully develop we have given up the chance of ever understanding if the ending is in fact happy. Truthfully, we’ve given up on the whole story itself.

Ask most people and they’ll tell you that having the ability to know anything and everything whenever you want to know it is something they greatly cherish. These people are simply liars or completely stupid. Probably both. People don’t want to know answers. Deep down, people don’t want to know anything. They want to act like they want to know because they think everyone else wants to know, but deep down livin’ is easy with eyes closed. Now, am I saying that being stupid or unaware is the right way to live? Not at all. Are there benefits to be able to find out any answer with a click of a button? Ummm… yeah (a duh). However, has it made everything duller and less interesting? Ummm… yeah. Finding out answers is what makes life meaningful, but it’s about the finding of the answers rather than the answers themselves that makes it all special.

Imagine for a moment you needed information about the Battle of New Orleans. Why the Battle of New Orleans? Who knows? Stop asking questions! How would you get that information? Well, you’d probably Google it or if you’re lazy, Wikipedia it, and a half an hour (maybe less) you’d know everything you’d ever really need or want to know about the Battle of New Orleans. Now, imagine if you couldn’t use those resources. How would you find out the information then? Well, you’d probably have to put pants on (yikes), leave your house (double yikes), go to a library and look through dozens of books (triple yikes) until you found the answer you were looking for. Maybe you’d even have to look up a professor who was qualified on the subject and actually have to interact with another human being that was smarter than you (yes, nerds, leaving your computer and getting sunlight sounds completely horrible, I know. Just kidding, nerds! I love you!). Both of these ways may give the same basic answers, so what’s the difference between the first search and the second? Not the answer; that like I said remains the same, but rather the entire experience.

The lack of mystery in today’s world is sucking the life right out of us without us even knowing it. It’s making us bitter, miserable, and completely inpatient to listen to the entire story at hand. You want to know what a G7 chord sounds like on a guitar? You don’t even have to pick up a guitar or play one to find out. Experience lost. Boyfriend or girlfriend’s Facebook status different from what he/she said they were going to be doing? Well, why listen to their entire story? They lied, there’s your answer. Experience [relationship] lost. Hell, this entire site is even to blame; for example, you want to know if the ending to The Graduate is happy or sad? Well, there’s a whole 1,500 word post on it from a couple weeks back! Looks like you’ll never ever have to watch the movie to make up your own opinions about it. Experience lost (I’m sorry I’m not sorry). The Age of Immediacy, as Mr. Abrams beautifully put it, makes us bitter because everyone thinks they know they answer when they didn’t even bother to hear the question. It makes us miserable because the most interesting parts of an experience, the mystery, is being taking away. And makes us inpatient to the whole process because for some reason we’re all in a rush to get to the ending, which is the least interesting part. But why? Why are we in such a rush to spoil everything?

The best part about all these spoilers is that there’s this subconscious backlash going on when it comes to finding out TOO MUCH. I mean Facebook is about to be burned down with torches because the same people who tag pictures of themselves drunk on the toilet (I’m looking at you every girl ages 18-24 that has ever been on Facebook ever) are upset that their privacy is at risk. Really? What Privacy? If that was the case, people wouldn’t be on Facebook to begin with. The truth is that all of us are subconsciously scared of losing not our privacy, but our mystery. Whether people will admit it or not, most people only want to tell you the answer they want you to know. They want to maintain their mystery because it’s their most interesting aspect. So I ask you, reader who probably hates LOST for being so flighty with answers: How is this any different from LOST?

Short answer, it isn’t, and that’s what I’ll miss most about the show. This is show that kept me thinking and was completely entertaining year after year, a show that helped give this entire website it’s namesake (ya’ know like The Dharma Initiative. A bunch of you just went, “Oooooh!”), a show that will probably go down as my favorite television show ever, so a few loose ends are fine by me. This is because what I will miss more than anything is the mystery of LOST. I mean do I want to know what the Numbers mean, or what is the Monster, or what was the deal with Walt, or how a spinal surgeon like Jack Shephard got field training with ammunition (BIGGEST MYSTERY OF THEM ALL)? Of course I do. Will it be as interesting and meaningful as the six seasons of mystery that the show gave me? Not in this life, brotha’.

So reader since we’re at the end of the post I’m guessing you want me to give you some sort of answer? Well, how about do you want to know what I think the Island is? (you nod “yes”). Well, I think the Island is just that, an island. A magical island, sure, but just an island. It’s not the Garden of Eden or a spaceship, and it sure as hell better not be purgatory. That’s literally my big theory. Am I right? Maybe. We’ll find out Sunday night, but then again maybe we won’t.

Either way, if “The End” of LOST leaves me to die alone after six seasons of living together then at-least I found something within the wreckage of the show that’s hard to find nowadays: a mystery that was worth getting lost in.

"It was always burning"

As I've stated countless times, one of my goals in life is to memorize the lyrics to Billy Joel's 1989 hit "We Didn't Start the Fire." Sure the song is on VH1's list of the 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs, but I can't get enough of it.

The lyrics recount many important historical events that took place between 1949 (when Joel was born) and 1989 (when Joel wrote the song). In case you couldn't put two and two together, Billy the Kid is a big history buff. For some reason this notion of chronicling his life speaks to me. As you know, I've seen almost every movie that's been nominated for Best Picture in my lifetime.

Last week as I was driving home from work I decided that it would be a good idea to update Joel's classic hit. I knew that he covered 1949-1989, so I figured that I could write new lyrics based on the events of the past 20 years (1990-2010). I thought that this project would only take a few hours, but I completely misjudged the kind of undertaking that it was. Not only is Joel's tune packed with people, facts, and events, but it's also loaded with half rhymes, full rhymes, and different variations of syllables. So for the past week I've been scouring Wikipedia for significant historical events, counting syllables, and consulting rhyming dictionaries.

I still think that this post needs A LOT of work, but I'm sick and tired of wasting my time on a grueling, voluntary task.

Before we get to my updated version, here's a refresher of the lyrics that Joel wrote more than 20 years ago.


Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"

Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Josef Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc

Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, Dacron
Dien Bien Phu Falls, Rock Around the Clock

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland

Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the Suez

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Zhou Enlai, Bridge On The River Kwai

Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California Baseball,
Starkweather homicide, Children of Thalidomide

Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, Space Monkey, Mafia
Hula Hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go

U2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land,
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion

Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson

Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex
J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock

Begin, Reagan, Palestine, Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide
Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz

Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on...

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire...




And now without futher ado...




Buster Douglas, Motley Crue, John Gotti, Belarus
No apartheid, free Mandela, Windows 3.0

Boris Yelstin, Rodney King, Desert Storm, CNN
Magic Johnson, HIV, Super Nintendo

LA riots, Dan Quayle, Murphy Brown, Real World
Leno, H.W. gags, and the Dream Team reps the flag

Don't ask, don't tell, Hoo-ha, the EU and NAFTA
A Few Good Men, Seles is stabbed, piece of the Aggro-Crag

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

O.J. Simpson, bronco chase, Boyz II Men and Ace of Base
Revolution, Bills still losing, Kurt Cobain dead

ebay, Farrakhan, Oklahoma City bomb
Mid...west....heat...wave, Sandra Bullock sped

Dolly, Deep Blue, Michael Johnson's golden shoes
Derek Jeter, Sheryl Crow, Keyser Soze, Daily Show

Mmm bop, Tony Blair, English Patient, Rachel's hair
Princess Di, Madonna cries, scandal in the white house

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Homeruns hit, Nagano, Michael Jordan, el nino
Seinfeld, He Got Game, Bird to the Hall of Fame

Britney Spears, Y2K, Star Wars I-just ok
rock music gets the blame, Millionaire is our new game

Harry Potter, hanging chads, PS2, Elian's dad
Sydney games, Kim Jong, bubble burst for dot com

Stem cells, 9/11, Google, jingoism
Halle Berry, game on, bankruptcy for Enron

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Russel Crowe, Homeland, search for bombs in the sand
gunman, Clarkson, World Com extinction

Human Genome is complete, Syracuse can not be beat
Iraq, Dan Brown, Martha Stewart locked down

Face-book, Condi Rice, Livestrong bracelets 'cause their nice
John Kerry, flip flopper, Red Sox solve Yankees' stopper

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Writer's strike, Dixie Chicks, prison term for Michael Vick
Mad Men, iphones, gas prices, Juno

Twitter, Spitzer, AIG, hockey moms, GOP
swimming fast and smoking pot, Obama takes top spot

Cash for clunkers, Favre is back, Kobe wins it without Shaq
Michael's late, Jon and Kate, swine, meth, Tiger's mates

Obamacare on the floor, Banking rules without a cure
Jay and Conan late night war, I can't take it anymore

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on...

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire...

My apologies if you couldn't follow some of the rhyming patterns (I tried to spell out how to say/sing some of the lyrics), but you almost need the music to have the words make complete sense. I think the best way to assess my work is to look at it two lines at a time. First read/sing Joel's lyrics (for that part of the song) and then do the same for what I wrote.

That said, here is a year by year explanation of the people, facts, and events that I chose to incorporate in my brief history of the past 20 years.

1990



-Buster Douglas upsets the previously undefeated Mike Tyson on February 11th to become the world heavyweight champion of the world.
-Motley Crue's drummer Tommy Lee is arrested for allegedly exposing his backside during a performance in Augusta, Georgia. He also suffers a mild concussion after falling off of scaffolding above his elevated drum kit during a performance in New Haven, Connecticut.
-John Gotti, a notorious mob boss, is arrested on December 11th.
-Belarus declares its soveirgnty from the USSR on July 27th.
-South African President Frederik Willem de Klerk begins negotiations to end the country's legal form of racial segregation known as apartheid.
-Nelson Mandela was released from Victor Verster Prison on February 11th after more than 27 years in prison.
-Windows 3.0 is released by Microsoft on May 22nd.

1991



-Boris Yelstin is elected President of Russia on June 12th.
-Rodney King is is an African-American who was the subject in a police brutality case involving four white LAPD officers on March 3rd. A bystander, George Holliday, videotaped much of the incident from a distance. The footage showed the LAPD officers repeatedly striking King with their batons. A portion of this footage was aired by news agencies around the world, causing public outrage that raised tensions between the black community and the LAPD.
-Desert Storm is the military response to Sadaam Hussein's invasion and annexation of Kuwait. When economic sanctions proved to be ineffective, George H.W. Bush sent American troops into Kuwait to drive the Iraqis out.
-CNN (Cable News Network), the first network to provide 24 hour television news coverage, received unprecedented popularity because of its coverage of the Persian Gulf War.
-Magic Johnson, the superstar point guard of the Los Angeles Lakers, reveals on November 7th that he has contracted the HIV virus. To that point, HIV had long thought to have been an exclusively homosexual disease. Johnson's announcement was huge in terms of awareness for the sexually transmitted disease.
-Super Nintendo is released in Japan. It is the first 16 bit video game console.

1992



-Riots breakout in Los Angeles on April 29th after the four white LAPD officers accused of beating Rodney King are acquitted. Thousands rioted in the streets for six days after the verdict was announced.
-Dan Quayle, the 44th Vice President, gave a speech to the Commonwealth Club of California on May 19th on the subject of the Los Angeles riots. In this speech, Quayle blamed the violence on a decay of moral values and family structure in American society. In an aside, he cited the single mother title character in the television program Murphy Brown as an example of how popular culture contributes to this "poverty of values", saying: "It doesn't help matters when primetime TV has Murphy Brown — a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid, professional woman — mocking the importance of fathers, by bearing a child alone, and calling it just another 'lifestyle choice.'"
-The Real World's first season takes place in New York and debuts on MTV on May 21st. The show would prove to be one of the most successful "reality shows" to date.
-Jay Leno replaces Johnny Carson as the host of The Tonight Show on NBC.
-George H.W. Bush vomits into the lap of Kiichi Miyazawa, the Prime Minister of Japan, during a state dinner in Japan.
-The Dream Team or the 1992 US National Men's Basketball team that won the gold medal at the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona. The Dream Team was the first US National Team comprised of professionals. The roster consisted of Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, John Stockton, Clyde Drexler, Chris Mullin, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, Christian Laetner, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, and Scottie Pippen.

1993



-Don't ask, don't tell is a military policy enacted by Bill Clinton in order to prevent the "witch-hunting" of secretly gay, lesbian, and bisexual service members or applicants, while absolutely barring "openly" gay or bisexual people from joining the military, and expelling those already serving.
-Al Pacino won the Oscar for Best Actor for his portrayal of the retired, blind, and drunk Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade. Slade's signature phrase is "Hoo-ha!"
-EU, or the European Union, is an economic and political union of (now) 27 countries.
-NAFTA, or the North Atlantic Free Trade Agreement, is formed between the United States, Canada, and Mexico. The agreement creates a trading bloc (free of tariffs) between the three nations.
-A Few Good Men is a military courtroom drama that stars Tom Cruse, Kevin Bacon, Jack Nicholson, and Demi Moore. Jack Nicholson gets absolutely hosed by the Academy when he doesn't win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Colonel Nathan Jessep.
-Monica Seles, the world's #1 female tennis player, is stabbed in the shoulder during a match in Germany by a crazed fan of rival Steffi Graf.
-Global Guts is a popular Nickelodeon game show where teens compete in physical activities. The winner of each show is awarded a piece of the Aggro Crag, the mountain that the participants had to climb as the final event.

1994



-O.J. Simpson, the NFL Hall of Fame running back and successful actor, is charged with the murder of his wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman. After refusing to turn himself in, Simpson was the subject of a low speed police chase while driving his white Ford Bronco. The chase was televised by all of the major networks.
-Boyz II Men's, a popular R&B group, "I'll Make Love to You" is the #3 song on the 1994 Billboard Hot 100 chart.
-Ace of Base, a Swedish pop band, has 3 songs in the 1994 Billboard Hot 100 chart. #1 The Sign, #9 All That She Wants, and #10 Don't Turn Around.
-The Republican Revolution is what the Republican party dubbed their success in the 1994 midterm elections in which they took control of the majority of Congress for the first time in over 40 years. Newt Gingrich, Rep. Georgia, becomes the Speaker of the House and the most popularized figure of the movement. Bob Dole, Sen. Kansas, becomes the Senate majority leader.
-The Buffalo Bills lose their fourth straight Superbowl. This time it's a 30-13 loss at the hands of the Dallas Cowboys.
-Kurt Cobain, the lead singer and guitarist of the popular grunge band Nirvana, is found dead in an apparent suicide (a shotgun blow to the head) on April 8th.

1995



-eBay, the American company that runs an auction website, forms on September 5th.
-Louis Farrakhan is the national representative of the religious organization known as the Nation of Islam. Farrakhan is the lead advocate for black nationalist interests and helped organize the million man march in Washington D.C. on October 16th.
-Oklahoma City Bombing is a bomb attack on the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building that claimed the lives of 168 innocent Americans and injured 680 others. The men behind the terrorist plot are Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols.
-A midwest heatwave took the lives of approximately 700 people in Chicago in a 5 day stretch.
Chicago's daily low and high in 1995:
July 11: 73-90 °F (23-32 °C)
July 12: 76-98 °F (24-37 °C)
July 13: 81-106 °F (27-41 °C)
July 14: 84-102 °F (29-39 °C)
July 15: 77-99 °F (25-37 °C)
-Speed is a film starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Reeves plays an LAPD officer who hops onto a bus that will explode if it fails to continue moving above 50 miles per hour. Bullock, in her breakout role, plays the passenger on the bus that gets behind the wheel when the driver is shot. The film won 2 Academy Awards in 1995.

1996



-Dolly is the name given to the first mammal ever cloned. She is a sheep who was "born" on July 2nd and lived to the age of six.
-"Deep Blue" is the name of a chess playing computer developed by IBM that Russian Gary Kasparov beat in February.
-Michael Johnson is the American sprinter who won gold in the 400m and 200m at the Summer Olympics in Atlanta. During the competiton Johnson wore a custom-designed pair of golden-colored Nike racing spikes made with Zytel, causing him to be nicknamed "The Man With the Golden Shoes."
-Derek Jeter helps lead the New York Yankees to their first World Series since 1978, beating the Atlanta Braves 4 games to 2.
-Sheryl Crow's self titled album is banned from Wal-Mart stores because of the lyric "Watch out sister, watch out brother/watch our children while they kill each other/with a gun they bought at Wal-Mart Discount Stores".
-The Usual Suspects is a criminal, mystery movie in which Kevin Spacey won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Verbal Kint...and Keyser Soze.
-The Daily Show begins on Comedy Central on July 21st with Craig Kilborn as the host.


1997



-MMM bop is the debut single by pop band Hanson. It becomes one of the biggest debut singles of all time, reaching #1 in 27 countries.
-Tony Blair becomes Prime Minister of the United Kingdom on May 2nd.
-The English Patient wins the Oscar for Best Picture.
-The Rachel is the name given to a popular haircut worn by women during the '90s. The look got it's name from the hairstyle worn by Jennifer Aniston's character Rachel Green in the TV sitcom Friends.
-Princess Diana of Wales dies in an automobile accident in Paris.
-Madonna releases hit single "Don't Cry for Me Argentina"
-President Clinton is accused of having "sexual relations" with 22-year-old white house intern Monica Lewinsky.


1998



-Mark McGwire of the St.Louis Cardinals and Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs chase and break Roger Maris' single season homerun record.
-Nagano hosts the Winter Olympics.
-Michael Jordan retires for the second time after winning his sixth NBA Championship with the Chicago Bulls.
-El Nino is an invasion of warm water into the surface of the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Peru and Ecuador every four to seven years that causes changes in local and regional climate. The most severe of these occurrences took place between 1997-98.
-Seinfeld, the popular NBC sitcome, airs it's final episode on May 14th.
-He Got Game is a Spike Lee joint starring Denzel Washington and NBA superstar Ray Allen.
-Larry Bird is enshrined in the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachuesetts.


1999



-Britney Spears bursts onto the pop music scene with her debut single "...Baby One More Time"
-Y2K is the name given to a computer related scare at the turn of the millenium. In computer programs, the practice of representing the year with two digits becomes problematic with logical error(s) arising upon "rollover" from x99 to x00. This caused some date-related processing to operate incorrectly for dates and times on and after January 1, 2000 and on other critical dates which were billed "event horizons". Without corrective action, it was suggested that long-working systems would break down when the "...97, 98, 99, 00..." ascending numbering assumption suddenly became invalid. Companies and organizations worldwide checked, fixed, and upgraded their computer systems.
-Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is released by writer/director George Lucas and receives mixed reviews.
-The Columbine massacre is partially blamed on the hard rock music of Marilyn Manson.
-Who Wants to be a Millionaire is a game show that debuts on ABC with Regis Philbin as the host.


2000



-Harry Potter is the title character of a popular book series written by British author J.K. Rowling.
-Hanging chads were the subject of the controversial election results in Florida.
-PlayStation2, the best selling video game console to date, is released by Sony.
-Elian Gonzalez is the subject of an immigration/custody battle between the U.S. and Cuba. Gonzalez is ultimately returned to Cuba to be with his father in June.
-Sydney hosts the Summer Olympics. The Untited States leads the medal count, although sprinter Marion Jones won 3 golds and 2 bronzes, which have since been taken back.
-Kim Jong il is the controversial leader of North Korea who has been in power since 1994.
-The dot come bubble peaks on March 10th (the NASDAQ hits 5,048.62) and eventually starts to tank for a multitude of reasons.


2001



-Stem cell research is restricted to those cells that already exist by President Bush.
-9/11 is the date of the most devasting terrorist attack on American soil. Terrorist hijack four airplanes, fly two of them into the World Trade Center's twin towers, one into the Pentagon, and one is overtaken and crashes in a Pennsylvania field. The death total reaches nearly 3,000.
-Google, the internet search engine, increases in popularity and starts acquiring other companies to improve its brand.
-Jingoism refers to the overly nationalistic feeling expressed by Americans after the 9/11 attacks.
-Halle Berry stars in the film Monster's Ball, a role that would win her an Academy Award for Best Actress (the first African American woman to win the award).
-The NFL/MLB return to action after 9/11.
-Enron's books are revealed to have been cooked. The energy company eventually files for bankruptcy and many of their top executive face jail time.


2002



-Russel Crowe appears as the lead actor in back to back Best Picture winners (Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind). He won the Oscar for Best Actor for his role in Gladiator.
-The Homeland Security Act creates the Department of Homeland Security. The Act includes many of the organizations under which the powers of the USA PATRIOT Act are exercised. Among other things, it creates the new cabinet-level position of Secretary of Homeland Security.
-WMD's become a hot topic as the UN investigates into whether or not Iraq has them.
-Washington D.C. Sniper John Allen Muhammad killed at least 10 innocent people in early October before getting arrested on the 24th.
-American Idol, a popular television show singing competition, debuts on FOX. Kelly Clarkson is the Season One winner.
-World Com, an American telecommunications company, files chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The largest filing in history.


2003



-The Human Genome Project is completed 13 years after it began in 1990. The goal was to determine the sequence of chemical base pairs which make up DNA and to identify and map the approximately 20,000–25,000 genes of the human genome from both a physical and functional standpoint.
-Syracuse University wins the 2003 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship behind the outstanding play of freshmen Carmelo Anthony and Gerry McNamara.
-The Iraq War begins on March 20th when coalition forces invade the Persian Gulf.
-Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code is published and quickly becomes a best seller.
-Martha Stewart, a famous magazine editor, TV Host, and author, is indicted for insider trading and obstruction of justice. She would go on to spend five months in a federal prison in West Virginia.


2004



-Facebook, the social network site, launches and quickly finds a massive following.
-Condeleezza Rice is nominated to become Secretary of State by President Bush on November 16th.
-Livestrong bracelets are launched as a fundraising measure for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. They quickly become very popular.
-John Kerry receives the Democratic nomination to run for president. During the campaign, he was pegged as a flip-flopper by Republicans for his stance on the War in Iraq. When speaking about a military appropriations bill Kerry said, "I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it."
-The Boston Red Sox are on the brink of elimination, down 3-0 in the ALCS and trailing the Yankees 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th inning in Game 4 before scoring a run against Mariano Rivera to tie the game and eventually winning the game in extra innings. They would go on to win the next three games to win the series (the first team to come back from a 3-0 series defecit) and advance to the World Series where they swept the St. Louis Cardinals to win their first title in 86 years.


2007



-The Writer's Guild of America goes on strike on November 5th and demands more compensation for their work. During the strike, many televisions shows are put on hold as new episodes can't air until the writer's write them. The strike is stopped on February 10th of 2008.
-The Dixie Chicks collected 5 awards at the Grammy's including Record, Album, and Song of the year.
-Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick pleads guilty to felony charges of operating a dog fighting ring in August. He is sentenced to serve 23 months in federal prison.
-Mad Men, a television drama set in the 1960's premieres on AMC on July 19th.
-iphones, a cell phone/ipod hybrid, is unveiled by Apple CEO Steve Jobbs.
-Record high gas prices plague the nation in the summer of 2007 with prices in some areas topping $4 a gallon.
-Juno is a comedy/drama film starring Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, and Jennifer Garner. The film receives 4 Academy Award nominations, winning one.


2008



-Twitter is a social networking and microblogging service that enables its users to send and read messages known as tweets. Tweets are text-based posts of up to 140 characters displayed on the author's profile page and delivered to the author's subscribers who are known as followers.
-Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York, resigns after he is linked to a prostitution ring. The affadavit famously refers to the governor as "Client-9".
-A global financial crisis starts to take shape as the U.S. housing, banking,insurance, and auto industries start to collapse. Hot terms describing the crisis are "bailouts", "too big too fail", and "stimulus package".
-Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, is chosen as John McCain's running mate in the 2008 presidential election. Palin creates a lot of buzz for the GOP with her good looks and everyday language.
-Michael Phelps swims for 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics (setting 7 new world records in the process) and is later photographed hitting a bong while visiting South Carolina University.
-Barack Obama is elected as the 44th president of the United States of America.


2009



-Cash for clunkers is a domestic program intended to encourage Americans to purchase new cars in an attempt to stimulate the economy.
-Brett Favre, the future NFL Hall of Fame quarterback, returns to the NFL, this time as a member of the Minnesota Vikings.
-Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Orlando Magic to win the NBA Championship. It is the first title for Bryant without Shaquille O'Neal as his teammate.
-Michael Jackson, the pop icon, dies after suffering cardiac arrest on June 25th.
-Jon and Kate Gosselin are consistently a topic on the tabloids after their highly publicized divorce.
-A swine flu outbreak in humans is declared a public health emergency of international concern.
-Crystal meth is a psychoactive stimulant drug that increases alertness and energy, and in high doses can induce euphoria, enhance self esteem, and increase sexual pleasure. It has become increasingly popular in the United States in the 2000s.
-Tiger Woods crashes his Denali into a fire hydrant on November 27th and is taken to the hospital. Shortly thereafter details of Woods' ramped infidelity start to surface.


2010



-The Health Care Reform Bill causes a heated national debate. A new faction of conservatives, known as the Tea Party Movement, ardently oppose the bill which they call "Obamacare". Eventually the bill passes both the House (without a vote?) and the Senate and is signed into law.
-Regulation of the financial industry appears to be the next challenge that President Obama plans to tackle. The call for reform has been expedited in the wake of the SEC charging Goldman Sachs with knowingly selling people investments that were designed to fail.
-Jay Leno kicks Conan O'Brien to the curb and re-assumes his position as the host of The Tonight Show after his 10 p.m. show flops as bad as Vlade Divac.

Cinco de Mayo

The margaritas will be flowing at fiestas all across America today, but let me quickly state that I am no fan of this Mexican holiday. Actually it's more of an Americanized celebration of a semi-important date in Mexican history (more on this later), but let's get to why I don't fully embrace Cinco de Mayo.

The Alcohol- Simply put, Tequila is the bane of my existence. No matter the brand, never in my life has it gone down smooth. People can rave all they want about Patron, but I think it's absolutely vile. I don't mean to suggest that I'm some sort of superhero drinker, because I'm not, but tequila is my kryptonite. It's as good of a guarantee that I'm going to yack as there is. Whenever I'm asked, "What kind of shot do you want?" I always answer, "Anything but tequila." In all seriousness, I've been able to keep this wretched liquid down lately, but my gag reflex reacts everytime. It would honestly take a minor miracle for me to last 3 rounds with Jose Cuervo.



I don't know if it's the tequila or the salt, but I'm no fan of Margaritas either. As for the beer, my thoughts on Corona in one word- overrated. The only brand of alcohol that I'll fully support on Cinco de Mayo is Dos Equis and that's purely based on their outstanding marketing campaign.

The People- I honestly don't think that I've ever met a Mexican person in my entire life (unless the workers at La Salsa count). The closest I came was when my dad hired a 19 year old (that's obviously a guess) illegal immigrant named Rufino (if memory serves) to paint our house way back when. I don't exactly remember what country he was from, but I'm fairly certain that it wasn't Mexico. My brother likes to joke that there's no way that my dad can run for higher public office because he paid Rufino (under the table) in straight cash. Rufino was, as they say, right off the boat at the time and I'm pretty sure that painting our house was the first work he got in America. He even showed up at our house about 5 years later to say hello.

The story of Rufino makes me wonder how immigrants end up where they do? What I mean by that is how did Rufino end up in Syracuse, NY of all places? I understand that when people leave their country for a fresh start in America they usually know someone or a group of people that are already here, so they go to that place, but what about the people that come to America and know no one? Wouldn't logic dictate that they live close to their native country (i.e. Texas) or close to a major city like New York? How does Syracuse or Hartford (where I currently live) enter the equation?

In terms of actual Mexican people, aren't they our rivals in soccer? I think that's a good enough reason to not support their holiday.

The History- "Cinco de Mayo marks the Battle of Puebla and the Mexican army's defeat of a much larger and better-equipped French army attempting to conquer its weakened government. The victory was short-lived, as the French took over the country a year later."

This is what the Mexicans celebrate?

Well, sort of. I've come to find out that Cinco de Mayo is hardly a celebration in Mexico.

"The holiday, which has never really been much of one in Mexico, crossed over to this side of the border in the 1950s and 1960s, as civil rights activists were attempting to build harmony between the two countries and cultures. The date gained more attention in the 1980s when marketers, particularly beer companies, saw this as a perfect opportunity to capitalize on the celebratory nature of the holiday."

I wanted to say that Americans celebrating Cinco de Mayo is like Mexicans celebrating July 4th, but it's not like that at all. It's more like if the Mexicans celebrated November 22nd (no, not because of JFK) because it commemorates our victory in the Battle of Dak To in the Vietnam War.


While I'm not a fan of the holiday, I'm not exactly against it either. It just goes to show you that if you give Americans any reason to party, no matter how ridiculous, we're all for it. And that ladies and gentlemen, is about as American as apple pie.