Hate List 3.0

I can't believe it's taken me almost 18 months, but it's time to update my Hate List. For those new to the blog I completely ripped the idea from a girl I went to highschool with who created a hate list on her Facebook profile. My previous two installments can be found here and here.


1.) Folding- For the first 18 years of my life my mom did my laundry. I always assumed it was this daunting task that took forever. For that reason I was always very thankful that my mom took the time out of her day to wash my clothes. From the outside looking in it just didn’t seem like a task that I could handle by myself.

Now that I’ve done my own laundry for 6 of the past 7 years (my grandmother did my laundry for me during my senior year of college because I didn’t have a washer/dryer in my beach house) I’ve realized that the chore is actually incredibly simple. Yes, it’s time consuming, but you can get a lot done during the interim. You just have to be mindful of how long your clothes have been in the washer or dryer.

What really sucks about doing your own laundry is folding your clothes. As you remove your clothes from the dryer you assume that the task is done, but in reality it’s just getting started. While on the surface folding looks relatively easy and straightforward it’s not. It’s tedious, time consuming, and stressful. Some garments you fold, some you have to put on a hanger, others need to be ironed, socks need to be paired, etc.

It should be noted that I’m also terrible at folding clothes to fit into a backpack, suitcase, etc. I can fold clothes in half. That’s about it. Anything that involves multiple folds is out of my range.


2.) Canker sores- The worst, right? I literally have no idea how they form or where they come from , but canker sores are incredibly painful. Not in the sharp, biting sort of way. More in the annoyingly consistent while occasionally more irritable way. I don’t know how, but canker sores are completely debilitating. They consume your entire being and render you out of commission for their entire existence. Canker sores make it hard to think, eat, sleep, write award winning blog posts (yes, I’ve had one for about 4 days now- a canker sore), etc.


3.) When people leave their blinker on- Seriously though, are you going to turn here or not? I can’t figure out how this happens. First of all, when you turn your blinker on you can hear it when it blinks, right? That aside, it’s pretty hard to accidentally turn your blinker on, so at some point the culprit must have thought that they should turn and/or change lanes, but instead continued to go straight because most blinkers turn off once a turn is completed. I wish there was a way to communicate to these bonehead drivers. Speaking of which…


4.) When a car forces me to release from cruise control- I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with highway driving. I say this because I recently had to explain to my cousin what cruise control is. For the uninitiated, cruise control equipped cars allow the driver to accelerate to a desired speed where they can then click a button and the car will maintain that speed until the driver hits the brake pedal. I often use this feature only during long drives on the highway. In fact, when I was purchasing my new car in January the only requirement that my dad had was that the car had cruise control. If I found a brand new Ferrari for $100 my dad’s first question would have been, “Does it have cruise control?”

So the worst thing ever is when you have cruise control set at 77 miles per hour and a car in the speed lane doesn’t get over to the center or right lane in time and you have to hit the brake to release the cruise control before accelerating back to your desired speed and re-setting the cruise control.

It’s also pretty terrible when you and another car are taking turns passing one another the highway when you have cruise control. I wish there was a way to communicate the fact that you’re on cruise control to the other car. Sometimes I try to lift up my right knee so that they can see it to signify that I’m not pressing the gas pedal, but I don’t think the message is received very often.

I really think that in 10-15 years we’ll have a basic set of messages that we can send to other drivers. The horn has only gotten us so far. Maybe the driver’s side or passenger side windows could briefly turn opaque to show a set of 5-6 specific messages.

1.) You’re blinker is on
2.) I’m on cruise control, so this is all your fault.
3.) Go fuck yourself
4.) Turn that shitty music down
5.) I’m sorry. Totally my fault.
6.) Honk for me, Trucker.


5.) Girls that call their female friends their “lovers”- If I see one more Facebook status that says something to the effect of, ”Can’t wait to see my lovers tonight!” I’m going to snap.


6.) The PCMatic commercial-



I don’t think the word hate is strong enough for the way I feel about this commercial. I mean, I get that they are just trying to get viewers of this commercial to remember the name of their product/website, but saying PCMatic 12 times in the course of a minute? That’s just annoying. I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see it.

Also, the flawed logic (not to mention the horrendous acting) of the commercial bothers me greatly. Apparently this couple shares a car (“I need the car anyway”) with the license plate PCMATIC, but somehow the man has never heard of PCMATIC?


7.) The way Michelle from Bachelor Pad 2 said “Graham.”- She didn’t completely botch the name, but there was something different about the way that she said it. I still haven’t really put my finger on it, but something was definitely wrong.

See if you can help me out. Listen to the 1:44 mark.

It should be noted that I don’t hate either Michelle or Graham, but the way Michelle said Graham’s name bothered me enough not to root for them.


8.) Tattoos- They are unattractive and will look horrendous when you’re older. I don’t get the appeal. I understand when people get tattoos that serve as reminders of significant people or events (the loss of a friend, an armed service man or woman getting ink to remind themselves of their service), but Chinese symbols? Random quotes?

I’ve heard that tattoos are a racial issue, and they might very well be, but my counter argument to that would be Robert Swift and Chris Anderson.




Have I mentioned how much I'm going to miss the NBA season?

Lastly, if you’re going to get a tattoo just remember that the placement is of supreme importance. There are tasteful ways to do this. For the opposite of what to do please look no further than Stephon Marbury and Mike Tyson.


9.) My cell phone charger- I can’t go a day without having to charge my phone. It’s horrendous. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve gone down to my buddy’s apartment in NYC with my charger in my pocket.

All that said, I literally can’t imagine life without a smartphone these days. I got my first in December and it’s completely changed my life. Having the internet at your finger tips is incredible. I’ve also been so immersed in sports lately that I get most of my news from the USA Today app on my phone.


10.)How everything needs to be politically correct- Our society is wayyyyy too sensitive. The way that everything has to be done in said in ways to avoid offended anyone bothers me immensely. For example, two weeks ago New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady (Gisele’s husband) was asked if he had a message for the team’s fans in advance of their home opener. The golden boy said, “Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It's a 4:15 game, a lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here, and cheer for the home team.” A short while later the team released a statement which said that what Brady meant was “Be hydrated, drink a lot of water and drink responsibly.” Are we serious? Do you really think we're that dumb? What was going through the PR person's mind when they wrote that? What bothers me the most is that Brady's comment was not offensive in any way, shape, or form, but team officials still felt compelled to cover their asses and release that horseshit statement. People drink beer at football games. Get over it.

Social Studies

Back in November I told you that although I’m as awkward as they come I still consider myself an expert when it comes to societal rules and protocol. Well last week I found myself on the wrong end of what I thought was an egregious etiquette faux pas. Naturally I turned to my friend Browny, who has a firm grasp of what the proper social norms are/or should be.

Our email exchange went like this:

Browny,

So I'm at the bank yesterday cashing 3 checks from a fantasy football league that I'm in with my friends from college. Two of the checks were for $110 and the third was for $160 (an extra keeper). Only one check had "fantasy football" written in the memo.

As I approach the counter and hand the checks to a 50-year-old female teller I notice that the teller to my left and the teller working the drive thru are both pretty good looking 25-30 year olds. In a matter of seconds the two attractive tellers finish with their respective customers and are both free to do as they please because no one else is in line. I tell the 50-year-old teller that I want to cash the checks that I handed her. She then proceeds to look them over before loudly saying, "Fantasy football, eh? 'Tis the season!"

Now I'm not embarrassed about playing fantasy football, but I didn't appreciate this woman loudly announcing what kind of checks I was cashing (mind you only 1 of the 3 said fantasy football on it), especially because the only other people that heard it were the two young, attractive tellers.

Was this woman 100% in the wrong or am I crazy? Does she have the right to comment on the memo of a check? Was she just making inane conversation? What if it said "drug money" instead of “fantasy football”? My friends from college have written plenty of jokes in that space before.

I need a ruling and you are the only societal judge I trust.

Let me know at your convenience,

Noon


Dan,

The ruling on this is very clear. The 50 year old teller was completely in the wrong and here is why:

I am assuming the bank you went to is much like the banks I have been too where the "line" is designed for you so that people do not stand and wait all over the place. Many pharmacies practice this procedure as well. While it contains the obvious purpose of creating an orderly line for quality service it is also intended to create privacy.

Typically there is a few feet or so between the line and the counter and customers are not to cross over until directed to do so. This is supposed to help ensure privacy of your financial transactions which are no one else’s business, so this teller gets a Fail.

Fantasy Football is nothing to be ashamed of, but I can understand the variable of the two attractive females. It’s not embarrassing, but it’s not ideal either, not that anything was to come of it but this lady did you no favors. What is written in the memo field is intended for the recipient of the check and no one else. I am sorry this happened to you and my only suggestion would be when you collect your winnings from that league deposit it with one of the hot tellers so they know you are ballin.

Jeff


Feel free to disagree, but I obviously agree whole heartedly with Browny’s assertion. That said, I have a few observations from our email exchange.

1.) Did anyone find it weird that I called Browny “Browny” and myself “Noon” and Browny called himself “Jeff” and me “Dan”? I assume that Browny must send formal emails at work all day long because when we see each other I call him “Browny” and he calls me “Noon”.

2.) I love that he capitalized the “F” in the word fail.

3.) How obnoxious is the phrase, “’Tis the season!”? I literally can't think of a way where it could be used tastefully.

Daily Dump

Back in my youth (roughly 2 years ago) a few friends and I used to occasionally send each other pictures of our dumps. It was a once every two to four weeks thing and the key was to write a funny caption to go along with your dump. Textbook dumps aren’t that funny, so you needed a weird looking or impressive looking fecal creation and a funny or witty comment to go along with it.

A few examples that I remember:

“Who flushed the cat down the toilet? Meow!”

“I re-created the asteroid belt.”

During the midst of these exchanges my friend Tyler came up with an idea. He wanted to take a dump every day for an entire year, take a picture of it, and post it to a website called dailydump.com. He thought it would be fascinating to view the variation in one person’s plops throughout the course of a year. Let the record show that Ty’s dumps would be worth checking out for an entire year. Some of his execratory efforts were so impressive that I was convinced that they were fake.

Unfortunately this idea never gained too much traction, although I still think it’s very intriguing. If I had a month or two to fully devote myself to making this idea happen here’s what I’d do.

Obviously it wouldn’t be enough to just post the picture of the daily dump(s), but that would still be the focal point of the site. Every year (maybe month) there would be a different dumper, who would chronicle their daily bouts with the toilet. I’d want them to write about what they ate in-between trips to the restroom, when they first felt the urge to dump, where they dumped, if anyone else was in the bathroom, how the wipe went, what the dump smelled like, etc.

Along with the daily dumper’s pictures and posts I’d also have other bloggers contributing content to the site.

1.) Facturds (a terrible play on the word Factoids)- There’s plenty of remarkable poop related information out there. As you know I have a daily calendar called “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” that gives me poop/pee/fart related information every morning. I would characterize about 1 of every 5 days as legitimately interesting (as I’ve posted before) and that kind of information would be routinely posted on the site. For example, did you know that the average fart speed is 10 feet per second or 6.8 miles per hour?

2.) Flushing out the News- Poop related stories pop up in the news more often than you’d think. For example, a few years back then Yankees pitcher Chan Ho Park explained his bad performance by saying this…



3.) Reader interaction- This portion of the site would ask readers to vote/comment on various polls (over/under, wiping style, etc.) and to share their poop stories.


Monetizing a website is never easy, but if there truly was a niche for this kind of thing wouldn’t it only seem fitting for companies like Scott’s and Febreze to advertise on the site?

College Manifesto

It’s hard to believe, but 7 years ago this week I began my illustrious college career. Friend of the blog, and my boy for life, Gens recently told me that he sent a “things I wish I knew before I went” email to two kids venturing off to college. Now Gens is a wise man because he realized that this college manifesto, if you will, is a perfect blog topic for yours truly. You see people- this is the kind of idea that I expect you to send my way from time to time.

I won’t include Gens’ email because our thoughts are relatively similar, but as fate would have it in the days after the idea was presented to me I saw the following paragraph in an ESPN.Com column by Bill Simmons.

That reminds me, it's my duty to pass along these five rules for anyone heading to college: stay active beyond your classes (newspaper, radio station, etc.); don't date anyone for longer than two semesters; always drink liquor before beer and not vice-versa; don't forget to call your parents every few days; and approach your classes the same way Shaq approached his NBA career. In other words, don't kill yourself trying to become the best center of all time; just do enough to eventually get mentioned in the top 10, and enjoy every moment along the way. Shaq could have ended up with a 3.95 in the NBA; he settled for a 3.4. Ultimately, did it really matter? He won three four rings, made something like $300 million, clinched a spot on the "best 15 players ever" list, kicked ass for three straight postseasons and will be remembered by everybody who watched him. That's what you want to get out of college.

I must admit that I was impressed that he summed it up that succinctly, but after reflecting I think I can boil it down to one sentence.

Think big picture, but live in the moment.

For a more detailed explanation of what I mean here is my college manifesto:

Go to class- Although you may think that it’s “cool” to skip class you should really make it a point to go. I don’t care how tired or hungover you are. Despite what professors want to believe there isn’t a lot critical thinking involved at the college level. All you need to do in most classes is regurgitate information. Whether it be on a quiz, paper, or test all you have to do is spit back the material that your professor presents to you. If you don’t go to class you won’t have the slightest idea of what that information is.

Going to class and paying attention when you’re there helps build a rapport with your professor. This can only benefit you. Another way to establish a positive relationship with your professor is to go to their office hours. I don’t care if you have the simplest question ever. Hardly anyone shows up to a professor’s office hours, so making that effort will work wonders. From that point forward they will know who you are and do everything in their power to make sure that you succeed in their class.


Take a nap everyday (M-F)- Like I said, being too tired for class is a poor excuse. Do what you can to attend all of your classes and budget out 45-60 minutes a day to nap. These naps will be the best thing ever.


Get involved- There are so many opportunities to get involved on a college campus that you would be foolish not to take advantage of them. Sure, sitting around your dorm room playing video games may be a good conduit to make friends early in your freshmen year, it’s also a gigantic waste of time.

When I say get involved, I don’t mean in the high school way where you did things only so that you could put them on your college applications. Sure, getting involved in college can help boost your resume, but college is all about discovering yourself, so only get involved in things that truly interest you.

Within the first few weeks of my freshman year I became friends with a kid on my floor and we went down to the campus radio station and they gave us a weekly show (there was a tryout that we dominated). During my sophomore year a girl that I had hooked up with noticed a sign in the cafeteria about a sports broadcasting meeting. I had seen the sign as well, but I was hesitant about showing up by myself. This girl basically talked me into it and I’m sure glad that she did. In the years that followed I announced men’s basketball, women’s basketball, and men’s lacrosse on the radio and internet. Now I work for the worldwide leader in sports.

As a junior my cousin who will not be named got me a job as a referee for the intramural department. I was already very active in the intramural community, so it was a perfect fit. I essentially got paid to be somewhere where I normally was anyway. Eventually I became an intramural supervisor and was afforded the privilege of swiping in and out of work. Instead of getting paid by the game I was paid by the hour I was clocked in. This meant that I got paid to play intramural games, write power rankings, create fake awards (Ex- Stud and Dud of the Week), and to play pickup basketball.

During my senior year I began writing for the school’s newspaper. For the first semester I only wrote a weekly humor column, but in the second semester I received 3 credits to write an additional news story (of my choosing) every week. I wrote articles about my friends that were athletes, about intramural sports, and about campus trends.


Stay Active- You probably take for granted how high school sports kept you in shape. Because the majority of you are not talented enough to play collegiate sports you need other ways to stay active. If not, you’ll pack on the infamous Freshman 15 real quick.

I was never much of a workout warrior, but I stayed active by playing intramural sports and playing pickup basketball. Intramurals are a great way to make friends. I can’t tell you how many kids I came to know solely because of playing intramurals. Form a team with the kids on your floor and don’t take yourselves too seriously. A lot of gym class heroes play intramurals, but no matter how competitive you are always remember that it’s only intramurals. It’s not worth getting in a fight over.

As far as playing pickup basketball goes. I don’t care how good you are (or think you are) your goal early on should be to be a good teammate. Pass the ball. Only shoot when you have to. If you’re fun to be on a team with things will go a lot better for you. If you’re a turnover machine who shoots the ball every time you touch it no one will want to be on your team.


Learn your roommate’s schedule- No explanation necessary


Get a fake ID- It’s essential to have a fake ID in college until that magical day when you turn 21. A lot of the action is at bars and you won’t be able to get in without a fake ID.

Ideally for your fake ID you want a real ID that hasn’t expired. Most bars won’t let you in if your ID has expired and they also scan IDs and truly fake or doctored IDs won’t scan.

Here’s what you do.

Step 1- identify an older brother, former teammate, or friend that is 21 and sort of looks like you. Step 2- Give them $50-$100 to fill out a lost identification form at your DMV’s website. Step 3- Ask them for their old ID and another form of photo identification if at all possible.

I paid my older brother to claim he lost his ID and he actually just held on to the old ID and let me use the brand new one. After I turned 21 a kid I played lacrosse with in high school asked me for my old ID and I gave it to him (along with another photo ID). Then one night at a bar about a year later a bouncer came up to me and told me that my little brother keeps trying to get in with my ID. I kept telling him that I didn’t have a little brother and he thought I was just covering for an actual brother, but then I realized who it was.


Find a relatively remote toilet somewhere on campus- When you aren’t in or close to your dorm you’re going to need a sanctuary to defecate. The less populated the facility the better.


Find a computer lab- Doing schoolwork in your dorm, townhouse, house, etc. will become increasingly difficult as your college career unfolds. There are just too many distractions. That’s why it’s crucial to find a place where you can get some work done. It’s also important that the work space you choose includes the option to print. I had a printer during my freshman year, but once the ink ran out (quickly because everyone will ask you to use your printer if they know you have one) I never replaced it.

Most people do their work in the library and as long as you go there when it’s not packed (Sunday nights) you should be fine.


Take a Public Speaking course- I don’t care if your major is Math or Biology. At some point in your college career you should take a Public Speaking course. Not only is it the most helpful class you can take, but it’s the only one that will definitely have real world benefits.


Go to church- First and foremost I’m not advocating the 9am mass on Sunday mornings. Most schools will have a 10pm mass on Sundays. That’s the one to attend. Why? Well everyone gets something different from going to mass, so I won’t pretend to be a missionary. For me it depended on who the priest was. If he could relate and deliver a meaningful message I went (only for about a 5 week stretch in my sophomore year). One of my friends once told me that he goes because it gives him a chance to reflect on what he did during the past week and what he wants to do the following week.

Now that’s all fine and good, but going to church in college is actually a great place to meet girls. Not that you’re picking them up in the communion line, but you at least become aware of one another and can go from there.


Girls- As far as females go, it’s important to remember that they are just as horny as you are (I think this is forgotten too often). Early on it’s all about getting them to come back to your dorm room (perhaps to “watch a movie”). That’s not an easy task by any means, but once you have them in your room you are golden.

Ironically, though, I liked to play on the road and here’s why. 1.) Female beds are a lot more comfortable 2.) You don’t have to worry about when she’s going to leave. It’s all up to you and I would recommend leaving early.

When hooking up with girls try not to get tied down. Be smart and very selective before you even think about dating a girl. I'm not saying don't do it. Just be careful. You go to a small school. Dating a girl usually renders all of her friends off limits for the remainder of your stay in college. If you just hook up with a girl a few times freshman year you can still hook up with her friends when you’re a junior or senior.

Never lose sight of the fact that at no other time in your life will you be surrounded by so many good looking, attainable females that are looking to get some. Make the most of this opportunity.

It should also be noted that 2 out of every 3 girls that have boyfriends will cheat. There’s nothing wrong with being “such a good listener” because odds are she’s going to cave.


Go on Spring Break- Do yourself a favor and go on Spring Break with a group of friends at least once while you’re in college. You’ll make some memories that you won’t forget for the rest of your life. For example, I’ve told the story before, but the name of this very blog stems from a comment my buddy Glancy made during Spring Break in South Padre, Texas.


Alcohol- Bringing alcohol into the dorms and imbibing it is a risk worth taking, but never forget that it’s a risk. Odds are that you’re going to get written up at least once. My recommendations are as follows:

While bringing a 30 pack of beer into the dorms the tried and true method of unloading the cans into a backpack is the way to go. Where people run into trouble is that all too often they load the backpack up in the parking lot close to the dorm where they plan on bringing it in. What you should do is load the backpack up right after it’s purchased at your local package store. Then have the driver drop off the bag carrier near an academic building (or library) and have them walk back to the dorm from there. This at least creates the illusion that they are coming from a class and may in fact have books in their bag.

Once the alcohol is in the dorm I would suggest partying in someone else’s dorm room. Casually drinking/pre-gaming with your roommate and a few others is fine, but if music, beer pong, etc. are involved you want to be somewhere else. This is because if you get written up (and again, it’s probably going to happen) your RA or the RA on duty will remember what dorm the drinking occurred and assign most of the blame (at least mentally) to those that inhabit it.

You also may be in a bar that gets raided (happened to me twice). Get out of the building by any means necessary.


Visit your closest friends from high school at their college- Do this at least once and don’t wait until your senior year because you won’t want to miss a weekend then. I visited at least 5 of my closest friends (7 if you count schools in Syracuse) during my four years of college.


Think big picture- Never let a test or paper prevent you from going out. Always ask yourself, “What is this test going to matter in 5-10 years?” Along the same lines, never be too tired to go out. You don’t want to miss a memorable night. Almost all of your college memories will be from social events and you’ll never forgive yourself if you missed the night when ________ happened because you were studying for a Philosophy test.


Get your (parents’) money’s worth- College is crazy expensive. Assuming my initial points about not skipping class weren’t convincing enough, each class you attend costs about $175 ($40,000 a year/240 classes or 10 per week). Don’t throw that money away. Go learn something.

Speaking of which, don’t skip any meals either. Get your grub on and make the most of your cafeteria. Most people will complain about the limited options, but get creative and embrace the food.


Try new things- You will inevitably fall into some sort of social rhythm or pattern. This bar on Tuesday, that bar on Thursday, this dorm on Friday, this house on Saturday, etc. While these options may be great don’t confine yourself to them. Expand your range for late night activities. Go saki bombing, get margaritas on Cinco de Mayo, make some jungle juice, host a theme party, etc.


Go abroad- This is my one regret from college. I never went because I couldn’t stand the thought of missing an entire Notre Dame football season or Syracuse basketball season, but looking back I wish that I did. I haven’t heard anyone say a bad word about their time abroad. Ever. Seeing the world is something that everyone should do and going with a group of kids you go to college (even if you haven’t met any of them) is the perfect opportunity.


Stay informed- It’s easy to get consumed with your own little world as a college student, but do your best to stay in tune with what’s happening in the world. Trust me, your professors will notice if you have some concept of what’s happening politically, economically, internationally, etc. I achieved this task by regularly watching The Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Watching these shows paid significant dividends for me in my politics, communications, and writing classes.


Develop a relationship with 1-2 professors- You will inevitably have a favorite teacher or two. Make the most of this relationship. You will need them as a reference when you start applying for jobs.


Realize that everything comes full circle- Don’t get mad if you have to pay $5 for a solo cup at a party. By the time you’re a senior you’ll be on the other end of that transaction. Also, don’t get upset if a girl is hooking up with an older guy because sooner or later you’ll be that older guy and come second semester senior year all of the girls in your grade will be desperately looking for some loving.


Cherish every moment because it goes wayyy too quickly- Have fun.