As I recently perused the Cultural Studies section at my local Barnes & Noble (I go there quite a bit), I stumbled across what looked like a book on tape by my man Chuck Klosterman. As I took it off the shelf I realized that it was actually a deck of 50 cards each with a Klosterman hypothetical question on it.
After
I enjoyed the hypotheticals that he posed in his book "Chuck Klosterman IV" I had to buy it. Unfortunately many of the hypotheticals from the book were included in the deck of 50 cards, but there were still plenty of intriguing questions raised.
I particularly enjoyed the preamble:
"Some people are extremely good at making small talk. These people are better known as “idiots.” These are the kind of humans who can talk to a stranger for 40 minutes without learning anything essential about who that stranger is−they talk about the weather and about other people, and they mention what kind of car they drive and how old their children are. They have conversations in public that are ultimately no different than silence in an empty room.
I refuse to be that kind of person.
I refuse to make small talk. I refuse. I don’t care what the situation is or what the protocol is supposed to be: I see no value in asking someone a friendly, nonadversarial question if neither party cares what the answer is. Instead, I prefer to ask questions where the solution is irrelevant−I pose hypothetical questions where how one answers the query matters far more than the literal conclusion. There is no “right” answer to these kinds of questions. The end never matters; what matters is how you get to the end. What matters is how you think, not what you think.
If these questions seem absurd or boorish or juvenile−that’s totally fine. Don’t read them and don’t answer them. We don’t need to be friends. We are not the same. But if you want to find out who other people really are, these are the conversations you need to have. And you need to have them now."
As loyal Shampoo Effect readers will remember I, too, am annoyed by the mundane daily conversations about the weather, etc.
March 2009As intrigued as I am by Klosterman's refusal to make small talk I don't think I am currently able to weave his hypotheticals into daily conversations, although I would certainly like to be.
Here are a few of Klosterman's hypotheticals that I found particularly interesting:
1.) Imagine the following three sensations.
-Chewing and swallowing the first mouthful of your favorite food after starving yourself for 48 straight hours. The food is prepared perfectly.
-Lying down on an especially cozy bed after 12 hours of nonstop physical labor on a cold day.
-The first moment of urinary release after having held a completely full bladder for more than 90 minutes.
For the rest of your life, you will feel one of these three ways, all the time. This is how you will always feel, 24 hours a day (you won’t be doing the specific activity, but you’ll always be experiencing the act’s accompanying euphoria).
Which one will you select?
My answer: While all three are incredible feelings I think I would choose the feeling of lying down on an especially cozy bed after 12 hours of nonstop physical labor on a cold day because I would want to live the rest of my life with that sense of relaxation running through my body. Quite frankly I don't think the other two translate nearly as well to daily life. They are more momentary senses of elation whereas the calm, comfortable feeling of lying on a cozy bed is applicable in real world scenarios.
2.) Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the President announces that he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.
You are the front-page editor of the New York Times: What do you run as the biggest story?
My answer: My natural inclination, as a politics minor (no big deal), is that the story about the President is the most newsworthy and the most recent, but it definitely wouldn't be my choice. That's a developing story. Catching Bigfoot and Nessy is a one time thing (although details will obviously continue to come out as scientists do their thing). This decision would ultimately come down to which picture/headline combination was the best. I mean, I don't want to cop out and say that I'd put the pictures of the two beasts side by side and write a dual headline ("Captivating!", "Believe It Or Not!", or "Monster Catches"), even though that's what would make the most sense.
That said I'd go with Bigfoot because it happened in North America and our country has always been a little more fascinated with him than Nessy.
3.) You are presented with a strange challenge. Someone dares you to count backward from 300 to 0. If you succeed at this simple request, you will be given $25,000 in cash. However, if you misspeak, get any digit incorrect, or make any mistake whatsoever, you will immediately be doused with gasoline and burned alive.
Do you attempt this challenge?
My answer: NO WAY. I like my chances (I'd go real slow), but I think the pressure would get to me and I would stumble and burn alive. In a semi-related note, I often marvel at the ability of college basketball players to make clutch free throws late in games. I always say that I would either shoot the ball either 6 feet in front of me or into the 3rd row.
4.) Imagine your dream house (whatever that house may be.) Think of all the details you would like this home to possess, including furniture. You are suddenly given the opportunity to trade wherever you live now for this hypothetical home, and your mortgage will be whatever you currently pay now. The home will be in (roughly) the same location as your current residence. However, there is one odd caveat.
This “dream home” is buried two miles underground. When you look out of the windows all you will see is dirt. In order to enter the residence, you will have to take an elevator that travels down the two-mile shaft at high speed (it’s about a five-minute trip). The elevator is comfortable and there is a staff (located aboveground) that provides 24/7 maintenance on the elevator−if something breaks or goes wrong with the elevator, you will be rescued immediately.
Would you accept this underground dream home?
My answer: Yes, as long as the head of the elevator workers is named Alfred.
5.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But−somehow−this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though−you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How much cash do you give the wizard?
My answer: This one is tricky because you don't want to push the envelope too far and have everyone that you know suspect that you went Heidi Montag on them (although I wouldn't say that she looks better than she did). I've gone back and forth on this (between $20 and $200), but if $1 made this random person vaguely sexier than I think $50 would work wonders.
6.) At long last, someone invents “the dream VCR.” This machine allows you to tape an entire evening’s worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat. When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don’t agree to this, you can’t use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
My answer: Yes, as long as I didn't wake up with wet sheets. I don't have too much to hide.
7.) For whatever reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile Columbia TriStar has produced a big budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all of your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be more interested in seeing?
My answer: I'd be much more interested in seeing the Columbia TriStar biopic. The documentary would be cool too, but I'd be more intrigued by the writing, liberties taken, and Hollywood actors playing my friends and family than by what people I know said about me on camera.
This does raise an interesting question that I often ask people to spice up conversations. If there was a movie based on your life, which actor/actress would you want to play you?
Here's a quick look at what the cast of my biopic might look like if I was the casting director:
The Stanman- obviously a cross between Denzel Washington and Leonardo DiCaprio. No, seriously Edward Norton. Actually he’s too old. What about Zach Gilford ? Probably too good looking, but we’re trying to sell some tickets, so let’s do it.
My unnamed cousin- Freddie Stroma (I’ve never heard of him until I just searched for young actors, but he’s got the look)
My buddy Kyle Korver- Taylor Lautner (the kid from Twilight)
My buddy Glancy- Phillip Seymour Hoffman
My buddy Max- Michael Pena
My buddy RJ- Shia LaBeouf
My buddy Hermo- Seth Rogan
My buddy Browny- Adam Brody
Female love interest #1- Aimee Teegarden
Female love interest #2- Minka Kelly
Female love interest #3- Keira Knightley
My dad- Jimmy Buffet (I don't know if he's an actor, but I do know that he's not only written a few songs, but also a few books)
My mom- Frances McDormand
My brother Mike- Jon Favreau
My brother Pat- Robert Downey, Jr.
My brother Jimmy- Ben Stiller
My twin sisters Maura and Elizabeth- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
8.) Think of a friend of yours−not your best friend, but someone who is (a) more than an acquaintance and (b) physically attractive. One day, while trolling the Internet, you accidentally come across three nude photographs of this person, reclined on a sofa bed. The pictures were clearly taken several years ago, but it’s unclear if the photos were casually posed or taken without the subject’s knowledge (your friend looks comfortable, but he/she is never looking directly into the lens of the camera). The pictures are not labeled, and your friend’s name is not listed anywhere on the site−but you’re certain that this is the same person you know.
What do you do with this information? Do you tell anyone?
My answer: Obviously this depends on whether or not the person is a male or female and on my relationship with that person. If it was a female I would almost definitely (90%) tell plenty of people about the pictures. If it were a male, I'd be very embarassed to have stumbled across the pictures so I the liklihood of me telling people would greatly diminish (45%).
9.) You are kidnapped by a diabolical (but completely honest) madman. He locks you up in an empty attic where the temperature is 100 degrees. Your feet and hands are tied together. There is no food or water. After 24 excruciating hours, the madman opens the attic door and enters with three glasses of ice water on a serving tray. He takes an eyedropper and squirts a colorless, odorless liquid into one of the glasses. “This is poison,” he tells you. He then blindfolds. When he removes the blindfold 30 seconds later, there is a drinking straw in each of the water glasses (but you have no idea which glass contains the poison). “Feel free to have a refreshing sip of water,” he says. “Of course, if you select the glass that contains the poison, you will be dead within ninety minutes. And−just so you know−I promise to release you from this attic…in forty-eight hours.” He then laughs maniacally and exits the attic, locking the door behind him.
What do you do? Do you gamble and drink, or do you try to wait out the madman?
My answer: I think the obvious answer is to try to wait out the madman, but if I were to crack I would drink from a glass in a position where I saw that the madman didn't squirt the poison. By that I mean that if he squirted the poison in the glass that was on the left before I was blindfolded I would drink from the glass that was in the middle or on the right after the blindfold was removed. Basically I wouldn't assume that he moved the glasses around while I was blindfolded.
10.) You are inside a very peculiar rock club: For whatever reason, the manager of the club demands that all his musical acts must take an extensive IQ test before he will allow them to perform. Tonight there are two acts on the bill, and they coincidentally share the same band name, The Industry Standard. Both bands are alleged to be awesome. Sadly, you only have one hour to spend at the club (due to another obligation), and the intermission between the two acts is very long (so you can’t watch both acts). You ask the manager which version of The Industry Standard you should watch. “I have no idea,” he says. “But I will tell you this. The first band had the highest test scores I’ve ever seen, anywhere. Each member of the band is technically a genius−one guy scored higher than Marilyn vos Savant. Conversely, the band playing second had some of the worst scores ever recorded. One member might actually be illiterate. However, I halfway suspect they were all drunk and mocking the entire process. I couldn’t tell for sure.”
Which version of The Industry Standard do you decide to see?
My answer: I think the prevailing thought is that musicians aren't intelligent, but they are incredibly creative thanks to a dark past or drug/alcohol use. I would pick the group that scored high on the IQ tests because
I'm an elitist I think that would be more interesting than the stereotypical rock band.
11.) You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate’s collarbones with a Crescent wrench; and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear−for the rest of your life−sound as if it’s being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it’s being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it’s being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice in Chains vocalist Layne Staley performing a cappella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?
My answer: I enjoy music much more than I lead on, but yes and here's why. I can't fathom having to be with a woman who's dealing with the emotional damage from being attacked with a wrench every 3 years. She would probably be so emotionally scarred that she wouldn't leave the house.
It would absolutely suck to hear Alice in Chains every time I heard a song, but I think I could come to grips with the lack of musical differences quicker than dealing with a routinely injured (physically and emotionally) wife. In fact, I'd probably turn to classical music.
This last one isn't a Klosterman hypothetical. It's an interesting question my buddy Tyler asked me this weekend.
Assuming that after each attempt your energy/stamina returns to 100% which of the following do you think you could do first? Run for a 40 yard touchdown in an NFL game or strike out Ichiro Suzuki?
My answer: Although I would have 10 guys blocking for me I don't think that I have any chance of ever running for a 40 yard touchdown in an NFL game. Strikeouts are much more common (even for great hitters like Ichiro) than 40 yard TD runs. I figure that I would get better at pitching (maybe develop an off speed rather than just throwing my 70mph flames) the more chances I got whereas I wouldn't improve at all in the football scenario.
