Back in my youth (roughly 2 years ago) a few friends and I used to occasionally send each other pictures of our dumps. It was a once every two to four weeks thing and the key was to write a funny caption to go along with your dump. Textbook dumps aren’t that funny, so you needed a weird looking or impressive looking fecal creation and a funny or witty comment to go along with it.
A few examples that I remember:
“Who flushed the cat down the toilet? Meow!”
“I re-created the asteroid belt.”
During the midst of these exchanges my friend Tyler came up with an idea. He wanted to take a dump every day for an entire year, take a picture of it, and post it to a website called dailydump.com. He thought it would be fascinating to view the variation in one person’s plops throughout the course of a year. Let the record show that Ty’s dumps would be worth checking out for an entire year. Some of his execratory efforts were so impressive that I was convinced that they were fake.
Unfortunately this idea never gained too much traction, although I still think it’s very intriguing. If I had a month or two to fully devote myself to making this idea happen here’s what I’d do.
Obviously it wouldn’t be enough to just post the picture of the daily dump(s), but that would still be the focal point of the site. Every year (maybe month) there would be a different dumper, who would chronicle their daily bouts with the toilet. I’d want them to write about what they ate in-between trips to the restroom, when they first felt the urge to dump, where they dumped, if anyone else was in the bathroom, how the wipe went, what the dump smelled like, etc.
Along with the daily dumper’s pictures and posts I’d also have other bloggers contributing content to the site.
1.) Facturds (a terrible play on the word Factoids)- There’s plenty of remarkable poop related information out there. As you know I have a daily calendar called “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” that gives me poop/pee/fart related information every morning. I would characterize about 1 of every 5 days as legitimately interesting (as I’ve posted before) and that kind of information would be routinely posted on the site. For example, did you know that the average fart speed is 10 feet per second or 6.8 miles per hour?
2.) Flushing out the News- Poop related stories pop up in the news more often than you’d think. For example, a few years back then Yankees pitcher Chan Ho Park explained his bad performance by saying this…
3.) Reader interaction- This portion of the site would ask readers to vote/comment on various polls (over/under, wiping style, etc.) and to share their poop stories.
Monetizing a website is never easy, but if there truly was a niche for this kind of thing wouldn’t it only seem fitting for companies like Scott’s and Febreze to advertise on the site?
Showing posts with label poop. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poop. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Back to Basics
Recently a friend of the blog suggested that I write something everyday. Now obviously 1.)she's clearly a big fan of my work and 2.) I don't have that kind of time, but if I did the posts would be very quick. I'm thinking that I might try it out for a month in the near future and see how it goess. We'll see. Either way, I tell you this because this might be my shortest blog post of all time. Think of it as a preview of what The Shampoo Effect will be almost everyday if I decide to make the leap from weekly to daily blogger (A huge step in the blogging game. For you drug enthusiasts out there, it's like going from weed to coke). Of course I would still provide a more in depth post roughly once a week, but that's neither here nor there.
As loyal readers will remember I have two daily calendars. One is a Jeopardy! calendar which helps wake up my mind everyday and the other is titled, "Do You Know Your Poo?" which puts my mind right back where it should be.
Wednesday July, 6th
The world'd longest documented human poo measured 26 feet and was produced by Michelle Hines in 2005 (so much for the notion that girls don't poop). Hines worked with a team of nutrionists and used a special plug the week before launch of this feat to prevent premature evacuation. The resulting poo was the same length as her entire colon and is almost an inch longer than the longest surviving poo.
As loyal readers will remember I have two daily calendars. One is a Jeopardy! calendar which helps wake up my mind everyday and the other is titled, "Do You Know Your Poo?" which puts my mind right back where it should be.
Wednesday July, 6th
The world'd longest documented human poo measured 26 feet and was produced by Michelle Hines in 2005 (so much for the notion that girls don't poop). Hines worked with a team of nutrionists and used a special plug the week before launch of this feat to prevent premature evacuation. The resulting poo was the same length as her entire colon and is almost an inch longer than the longest surviving poo.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Who Cut The Cheese?
The title of this post also happens to be the title of the book that one of my sisters got me for Christmas. Not only that, but one of my brother's got me a 2011 daily calendar called, "What's Your Poo Telling You?" Clearly my siblings have a good understanding of my interests.
"Who Cut The Cheese?" starts with the author relaying his top three fart stories and to be honest, I wasn't exactly blown away. He goes on to write that everyone loves a good fart story, but most fall under the category of, "you had to be there." I couldn't agree more, but that's not going to stop me from telling you mine.
1.) In my younger days I was a bit of a loudmouth. In fact, my mom always used to tell me that I had a fat mouth and that someday someone was going to close it for me. Let the record show that that still hasn't happened, although there's been a few close calls. Either way, when I was in 4th or 5th grade a horde of my classmates and I were gathered up by the side door of St. Matthew's parochial school anxiously awaiting a lunch lady (a volunteer mom) to let us outside for recess. It was a very narrow passageway, so we were essentially lined up in two single file lines waiting to be released into the wild. I was the sixth person in the line to the left (facing the door) and I couldn't wait to run out into the parking lot and play hops (basically you have to catch a ball passed to you and pass it to someone else all while in the air) or keep away. Obviously I was all jacked up on chocolate milk and Terrell's BBQ chips. Eventually the lunch lady (Mrs. Case in case any St. Matt's Cougars-our school mascot, not an attractive older woman-are reading this) started to navigate her way through the raucous crowd of 10 and 11 year olds. As she approached the door she was bumped by one of the few remaining kids that she had to get through, so she said, "Excuse me," in the "you should actually be the one saying this to me, but because you clearly aren't going to I'll say it to infer that you should" tone. Even at a young age I could sniff out unrighteous self-aggrandizing. I also knew that timing was 80% of comedy, so I quickly blurted out, "What'd you fart?"
Well let's just say that Mrs. Case didn't take to kindly to this remark. After unlocking the door she turned to the first person in the left line and told him to stay right there. She then did the same for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th guys in that line. I was next. Before she had a chance to decide my fate I went into full on innocent dove mode and said, "Do I have to wait behind too?" Thankfully she said no and I was allowed to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for the next 20 minutes while 5 of my friends had to go to the principal's office.
I later found out that 4 of my 5 friends were convinced that it was the 5th, my buddy Nathan, that had yelled out, "What'd you fart?" so they kept telling him to just come clean so that they wouldn't get in trouble too. I forget how the matter was eventually resolved (I think Nathan just bit the bullet), but I can honestly say that that was the first time that I ever felt the sense of guilt.
Years later (sophomore/junior year of college) I ran into one of my grammar school frienda named J.J., who happened to be one of the 5 kids that had to go to the principal's office that day. I casually brought up the "What'd you fart?" comment and he almost immediately said, "We all knew it was Nathan, but he kept denying it." Let's just say that he was stunned when I came clean and told him that it was actually me.
1. b.) When I was a freshman in highschool I was taught a great deal about the flatulent arts. My older brother Jimmy and his friend Grazi recognized my immense raw talent and were kind enough to teach me the proper technique. Farting position as they called it looks a little something like this....
My hands should actually be a bit more forward and my back should be slightly more arched, but in all fairness I'm absolutely hammered in that picture. Not to compare farting to a deity of any religion, but proper position looks a lot like when Muslims face Mecca and pray to Allah.
2.) During my freshman year of college I was sitting in the hallway outside my dorm with my buddy Max and a girl that will remain nameless. Max, the entertainer that he is, told the two of us a very humorous, yet grotesque joke. Upon hearing the punchline this girl and I burst out laughing. Minutes later someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max re-tell the joke. Eventually more and more people joined us in the hallway and each time someone new showed their face we had Max tell the joke again. After about the 5th time I noticed that this girl was laughing even harder at the punchline than she did the first time. You know how girls get. Sometimes when they start laughing they just can't stop. Well sure enough someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max tell his joke again. It went something like this...
"So there's a huge highschool party and this girl really wants to go, but she can't get a ride. She simply lives too far away from all of her friends, so she decides to ask her dad if she can borrow his car.
"Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
"No, not tonight."
"Pleaseee. There's this party and I have to be there."
"I'm sorry honey. You can't have it."
"But Dad. I realllly want to go to this party. I'll do anything."
"I said no and that's final."
"Come on Dad. I'll do anything. Pleaseeee"
The dad thinks for a second and says, "You'll do anything?"
"Yes, you name it. I need the car. I have to go to this party"
"Ok, well I'll let you have the car if you give me head."
So the girl thinks about it and she's like, "This is really weird. I can't believe my dad asked me to do that." But she really wants to go to the party so she somehow rationalizes it in her head and agrees to the proposition.
She unzips her dad's pants. Takes down his boxers and there's shit all over his dick.
"Dad, what the hell's going on? There's shit all over your dick."
And the dad says, "Oh I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."
Even if you've heard the joke before you'd still laugh if you heard Max tell it because of the way he sets it up. So as we're all laughing once again this girl just loses control, even though she's now heard the joke upwards of 5 times, and let's out an audible one cheek sneak. Just your classic, everyday, run of the mill, textbook sounding fart. Immediately there is silence as the 6 or 7 of us guys don't know how to react. We've never heard a girl, an attractive one at that, fart before. Finally after about 3 seconds of silence my former radio show co-host just yells, "Oh my God, ______ you just farted!" and we all erupted with laughter once again.
3. a.) During my senior year of college a bunch of us decided to go to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break. I'll spare you the details on how much fun it was, etc. etc. and get right to the story. Each night as we pre-gamed we played what became known as "The Numbers Game." As about 10 of us sat around guzzling frosty bevs we went around in a circle and counted to 15. Whoever it landed on at 15 got to replace a number with a rule. So they'd say something like, instead of the #5 you have to imitate someone we all know until we guess who it is. Then the count would start back up and whoever it landed on for 5 would have to abide by the rule. When the count got to 15 whoever it landed on would make a new rule. One of our favorite's was, "Instead of the #7 let's see your most embarassing Spring Break dance move." Then the count would continue. Whoever it landed on for 5 would have to imitate someone. The next person would say 6. Then the next person would have to perform an embarassing dance move. etc.
We had a lot of fun playing the numbers game while we pregamed, so one day we decided to play during the day at one of the hotel/resort pools. Well early on in the game someone made a rule that said, "Instead of #11 you and the Stanman have to get into farting position and see who can fart first." Now I sort of pride myself in being able to fart on command (I'd say that I have about an 80% success rate), so I'm happy to report that during the course of that game I successfully farted before 10 of my 11 (estimates) compadres. The only person to fart before me was the aforementioned Max and let the record show that I still had enough gas left in the tank to fart no more than 2 seconds after he did.
3. b.) This isn't exactly a fart related story, but it's still worthy of mention. During my senior year of college, Kyle Korver and his housemates organized a 3 on 3 rapid fire beer pong tournament at their house. Anyone that was anyone in our class was there and we took team events pretty seriously. By that I mean that each 3 person team had a name, matching uniforms, etc. Max put together a team that featured the two of us and our buddy Tyler. Our team name was "I'mma Doo Doo On U". We drew on white t-shirts with dump brown markers for our uniforms. They had our team name and some sort of fart/poop related image on the front and our individual names and numbers on the back. Max's name was "Doo Doo Work Son", mine was "Fartman", and Tyler's was "Mudgeyser". We got hosed in the first round of the tournament, but we definitely had the best team name and unis going.
"Who Cut The Cheese?" starts with the author relaying his top three fart stories and to be honest, I wasn't exactly blown away. He goes on to write that everyone loves a good fart story, but most fall under the category of, "you had to be there." I couldn't agree more, but that's not going to stop me from telling you mine.
1.) In my younger days I was a bit of a loudmouth. In fact, my mom always used to tell me that I had a fat mouth and that someday someone was going to close it for me. Let the record show that that still hasn't happened, although there's been a few close calls. Either way, when I was in 4th or 5th grade a horde of my classmates and I were gathered up by the side door of St. Matthew's parochial school anxiously awaiting a lunch lady (a volunteer mom) to let us outside for recess. It was a very narrow passageway, so we were essentially lined up in two single file lines waiting to be released into the wild. I was the sixth person in the line to the left (facing the door) and I couldn't wait to run out into the parking lot and play hops (basically you have to catch a ball passed to you and pass it to someone else all while in the air) or keep away. Obviously I was all jacked up on chocolate milk and Terrell's BBQ chips. Eventually the lunch lady (Mrs. Case in case any St. Matt's Cougars-our school mascot, not an attractive older woman-are reading this) started to navigate her way through the raucous crowd of 10 and 11 year olds. As she approached the door she was bumped by one of the few remaining kids that she had to get through, so she said, "Excuse me," in the "you should actually be the one saying this to me, but because you clearly aren't going to I'll say it to infer that you should" tone. Even at a young age I could sniff out unrighteous self-aggrandizing. I also knew that timing was 80% of comedy, so I quickly blurted out, "What'd you fart?"
Well let's just say that Mrs. Case didn't take to kindly to this remark. After unlocking the door she turned to the first person in the left line and told him to stay right there. She then did the same for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th guys in that line. I was next. Before she had a chance to decide my fate I went into full on innocent dove mode and said, "Do I have to wait behind too?" Thankfully she said no and I was allowed to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off for the next 20 minutes while 5 of my friends had to go to the principal's office.
I later found out that 4 of my 5 friends were convinced that it was the 5th, my buddy Nathan, that had yelled out, "What'd you fart?" so they kept telling him to just come clean so that they wouldn't get in trouble too. I forget how the matter was eventually resolved (I think Nathan just bit the bullet), but I can honestly say that that was the first time that I ever felt the sense of guilt.
Years later (sophomore/junior year of college) I ran into one of my grammar school frienda named J.J., who happened to be one of the 5 kids that had to go to the principal's office that day. I casually brought up the "What'd you fart?" comment and he almost immediately said, "We all knew it was Nathan, but he kept denying it." Let's just say that he was stunned when I came clean and told him that it was actually me.
1. b.) When I was a freshman in highschool I was taught a great deal about the flatulent arts. My older brother Jimmy and his friend Grazi recognized my immense raw talent and were kind enough to teach me the proper technique. Farting position as they called it looks a little something like this....
My hands should actually be a bit more forward and my back should be slightly more arched, but in all fairness I'm absolutely hammered in that picture. Not to compare farting to a deity of any religion, but proper position looks a lot like when Muslims face Mecca and pray to Allah.
2.) During my freshman year of college I was sitting in the hallway outside my dorm with my buddy Max and a girl that will remain nameless. Max, the entertainer that he is, told the two of us a very humorous, yet grotesque joke. Upon hearing the punchline this girl and I burst out laughing. Minutes later someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max re-tell the joke. Eventually more and more people joined us in the hallway and each time someone new showed their face we had Max tell the joke again. After about the 5th time I noticed that this girl was laughing even harder at the punchline than she did the first time. You know how girls get. Sometimes when they start laughing they just can't stop. Well sure enough someone else came out into the hallway and sat down, so we had Max tell his joke again. It went something like this...
"So there's a huge highschool party and this girl really wants to go, but she can't get a ride. She simply lives too far away from all of her friends, so she decides to ask her dad if she can borrow his car.
"Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
"No, not tonight."
"Pleaseee. There's this party and I have to be there."
"I'm sorry honey. You can't have it."
"But Dad. I realllly want to go to this party. I'll do anything."
"I said no and that's final."
"Come on Dad. I'll do anything. Pleaseeee"
The dad thinks for a second and says, "You'll do anything?"
"Yes, you name it. I need the car. I have to go to this party"
"Ok, well I'll let you have the car if you give me head."
So the girl thinks about it and she's like, "This is really weird. I can't believe my dad asked me to do that." But she really wants to go to the party so she somehow rationalizes it in her head and agrees to the proposition.
She unzips her dad's pants. Takes down his boxers and there's shit all over his dick.
"Dad, what the hell's going on? There's shit all over your dick."
And the dad says, "Oh I forgot. Your brother has the car tonight."
Even if you've heard the joke before you'd still laugh if you heard Max tell it because of the way he sets it up. So as we're all laughing once again this girl just loses control, even though she's now heard the joke upwards of 5 times, and let's out an audible one cheek sneak. Just your classic, everyday, run of the mill, textbook sounding fart. Immediately there is silence as the 6 or 7 of us guys don't know how to react. We've never heard a girl, an attractive one at that, fart before. Finally after about 3 seconds of silence my former radio show co-host just yells, "Oh my God, ______ you just farted!" and we all erupted with laughter once again.
3. a.) During my senior year of college a bunch of us decided to go to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break. I'll spare you the details on how much fun it was, etc. etc. and get right to the story. Each night as we pre-gamed we played what became known as "The Numbers Game." As about 10 of us sat around guzzling frosty bevs we went around in a circle and counted to 15. Whoever it landed on at 15 got to replace a number with a rule. So they'd say something like, instead of the #5 you have to imitate someone we all know until we guess who it is. Then the count would start back up and whoever it landed on for 5 would have to abide by the rule. When the count got to 15 whoever it landed on would make a new rule. One of our favorite's was, "Instead of the #7 let's see your most embarassing Spring Break dance move." Then the count would continue. Whoever it landed on for 5 would have to imitate someone. The next person would say 6. Then the next person would have to perform an embarassing dance move. etc.
We had a lot of fun playing the numbers game while we pregamed, so one day we decided to play during the day at one of the hotel/resort pools. Well early on in the game someone made a rule that said, "Instead of #11 you and the Stanman have to get into farting position and see who can fart first." Now I sort of pride myself in being able to fart on command (I'd say that I have about an 80% success rate), so I'm happy to report that during the course of that game I successfully farted before 10 of my 11 (estimates) compadres. The only person to fart before me was the aforementioned Max and let the record show that I still had enough gas left in the tank to fart no more than 2 seconds after he did.
3. b.) This isn't exactly a fart related story, but it's still worthy of mention. During my senior year of college, Kyle Korver and his housemates organized a 3 on 3 rapid fire beer pong tournament at their house. Anyone that was anyone in our class was there and we took team events pretty seriously. By that I mean that each 3 person team had a name, matching uniforms, etc. Max put together a team that featured the two of us and our buddy Tyler. Our team name was "I'mma Doo Doo On U". We drew on white t-shirts with dump brown markers for our uniforms. They had our team name and some sort of fart/poop related image on the front and our individual names and numbers on the back. Max's name was "Doo Doo Work Son", mine was "Fartman", and Tyler's was "Mudgeyser". We got hosed in the first round of the tournament, but we definitely had the best team name and unis going.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Weekend Rewind
It was quite the weekend for your (third or fourth?) favorite blogger. I worked all day Saturday and all night Sunday, but the weekend that was is still worthy of a quick recap. Here are the top 6 things that went down (some literally) this weekend.
1.) What team do you play for?
My cousin on the left, Tyler on the right, and yes, that was our team uniform
I played in a golf tournament on Friday with Kyle Korver, my unnamed cousin, and my buddy Tyler. The day was filled with plenty of American brews, a few icings, cigars, and a solid round of golf.
In fact, we birdied 3 of the first 5 holes that we played and had visions of winning, but then the booze set in. We gave one back on our 7th hole. Played even par for the next ten and then ended with a birdie for a very respectable 3 under par.
2.) Leaving my mark
After the tournament we mosied on over to the bar that we used to frequent in college. Within seconds of entering I scurried to the men's room and, believe it or not, dropped heat in there for the first time. Now I'd previously been a patron at this bar anywhere from 50-100 times and never once considered depositing some crude oil in the Pacific rim. The thought never crossed my mind because the place was usually packed when I was there, but no more than 15 people were there on Saturday afternoon. I went in with low expectations, because it's a bathroom in a crummy little college bar, but I was pleasantly surprised with the confines. I took my time, did some work, and then went right back to crushing bevs.
With time to reflect upon my actions, I am now proud to say that after four years of frequenting the Seagrape Cafe, I have officially left my mark.
Go figure that this marks the second time in as many months that I have delivered the goods for the first time in a place that I have been to over 50 times. In mid May I flushed my feces for the first time in the Syracuse Suds Factory.
3.) Tying the knot
Speaking of college, Lyle and Tristen officially became man and wife on Saturday. I was not invited, but plenty of my friends from college were there to celebrate the momentous occasion. Now I could use this platform (which I gave myself) to rant about the exhorbitant amount of Facebook (self) promotion that said wedding received, but all I'll say is congratulations to the happy couple.
4.) America....Fuck Yeah!
The 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa kicked off on Friday and the much anticipated opening round match between England and the United States of America took place on Saturday. As you should already know, England scored quickly, but Clint Dempsey's double bouncer was too hot for English goalie Robert Green's oven mitts to handle and the match ended in a draw.
Bring on Slovenia (Friday at 10 AM). USA! USA! USA!
5.) The Lake Show may be sinking....
The Los Angeles Lakers, my adopted post season team (because the Knicks haven't even sniffed the playoffs since 2001), lost Game 5 of the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics on Sunday night. They now trail in the series 3-2 (the first time they've trailed in a playoff series all year) and now have to win Game 6 and Game 7 at home to repeat as champions.
The Game 5 loss was especially painful for me because I talked a lot of shit to all of my friends from Boston leading up to the pivotal game. To my credit, I did predict that Kobe Bryant would have a monster game and go for about 40 (he finished with 38), but it was all for naught.
Not only did I talk a lot of shit before Game 5, but before the series began I made a bet with my buddy Mark. The bet stipulated that if the Celtics win, I have to go to Boston and pay for all of Mark's drinks for a night, and if the Lakers win, he has to come to West Hartford/Fairfield/NYC (my choice) and pay for all of my drinks for a night. My favorite part about the bet is that the winner has to pay for the loser's brunch the next day.
My pre-series prediction was Lakers in 7, so let's hope that that holds true.
6.) Eat your heart out Tony Romo
On Sunday I found out that my buddy from high school will be playing in this weekend's U.S. Open. Naturally, I was floored when I saw the good news. Playing in the U.S. Open, especially at such a famous course like Pebble Beach, is the pinnacle for almost every golfer out there.
I actually bumped into my buddy in downtown Syracuse about a month ago when I was home for my sisters' college graduation (the night after I dumped in Suds). He was home that weekend (he spends most of his time in Florida nowadays) for a local qualifying tournament, in which he finished tied for first. We talked for about half an hour and he told me how he now had to go down to New Jersey for a regional qualifying tournament. He said that if he finished in the top 2 in that tournament then he would qualify for the Open. I wished him well, but didn't expect him to pull it off because of the high degree of difficulty.
In case you didn't read the link, and I assume that most of you don't, my buddy's name is Dan McCarthy. He's a professional golfer who plays on the Hooters and Canadian tours. The Open will be his first PGA sanctioned tournament and obviously also his first major.
1.) What team do you play for?
My cousin on the left, Tyler on the right, and yes, that was our team uniform
I played in a golf tournament on Friday with Kyle Korver, my unnamed cousin, and my buddy Tyler. The day was filled with plenty of American brews, a few icings, cigars, and a solid round of golf.
In fact, we birdied 3 of the first 5 holes that we played and had visions of winning, but then the booze set in. We gave one back on our 7th hole. Played even par for the next ten and then ended with a birdie for a very respectable 3 under par.
2.) Leaving my mark
After the tournament we mosied on over to the bar that we used to frequent in college. Within seconds of entering I scurried to the men's room and, believe it or not, dropped heat in there for the first time. Now I'd previously been a patron at this bar anywhere from 50-100 times and never once considered depositing some crude oil in the Pacific rim. The thought never crossed my mind because the place was usually packed when I was there, but no more than 15 people were there on Saturday afternoon. I went in with low expectations, because it's a bathroom in a crummy little college bar, but I was pleasantly surprised with the confines. I took my time, did some work, and then went right back to crushing bevs.
With time to reflect upon my actions, I am now proud to say that after four years of frequenting the Seagrape Cafe, I have officially left my mark.
Go figure that this marks the second time in as many months that I have delivered the goods for the first time in a place that I have been to over 50 times. In mid May I flushed my feces for the first time in the Syracuse Suds Factory.
3.) Tying the knot
Speaking of college, Lyle and Tristen officially became man and wife on Saturday. I was not invited, but plenty of my friends from college were there to celebrate the momentous occasion. Now I could use this platform (which I gave myself) to rant about the exhorbitant amount of Facebook (self) promotion that said wedding received, but all I'll say is congratulations to the happy couple.
4.) America....Fuck Yeah!
The 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa kicked off on Friday and the much anticipated opening round match between England and the United States of America took place on Saturday. As you should already know, England scored quickly, but Clint Dempsey's double bouncer was too hot for English goalie Robert Green's oven mitts to handle and the match ended in a draw.
Bring on Slovenia (Friday at 10 AM). USA! USA! USA!
5.) The Lake Show may be sinking....
The Los Angeles Lakers, my adopted post season team (because the Knicks haven't even sniffed the playoffs since 2001), lost Game 5 of the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics on Sunday night. They now trail in the series 3-2 (the first time they've trailed in a playoff series all year) and now have to win Game 6 and Game 7 at home to repeat as champions.
The Game 5 loss was especially painful for me because I talked a lot of shit to all of my friends from Boston leading up to the pivotal game. To my credit, I did predict that Kobe Bryant would have a monster game and go for about 40 (he finished with 38), but it was all for naught.
Not only did I talk a lot of shit before Game 5, but before the series began I made a bet with my buddy Mark. The bet stipulated that if the Celtics win, I have to go to Boston and pay for all of Mark's drinks for a night, and if the Lakers win, he has to come to West Hartford/Fairfield/NYC (my choice) and pay for all of my drinks for a night. My favorite part about the bet is that the winner has to pay for the loser's brunch the next day.
My pre-series prediction was Lakers in 7, so let's hope that that holds true.
6.) Eat your heart out Tony Romo
On Sunday I found out that my buddy from high school will be playing in this weekend's U.S. Open. Naturally, I was floored when I saw the good news. Playing in the U.S. Open, especially at such a famous course like Pebble Beach, is the pinnacle for almost every golfer out there.
I actually bumped into my buddy in downtown Syracuse about a month ago when I was home for my sisters' college graduation (the night after I dumped in Suds). He was home that weekend (he spends most of his time in Florida nowadays) for a local qualifying tournament, in which he finished tied for first. We talked for about half an hour and he told me how he now had to go down to New Jersey for a regional qualifying tournament. He said that if he finished in the top 2 in that tournament then he would qualify for the Open. I wished him well, but didn't expect him to pull it off because of the high degree of difficulty.
In case you didn't read the link, and I assume that most of you don't, my buddy's name is Dan McCarthy. He's a professional golfer who plays on the Hooters and Canadian tours. The Open will be his first PGA sanctioned tournament and obviously also his first major.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The New Verbiage
The following comes mostly from an article on one of my favorite shows on TV: How I Met Your Mother (Mondays at 8pm on CBS). I have interspersed my own comments in italics throughout.
How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage
There have been a lot of great television shows over the years, but how many have made greater contributions beyond sheer entertainment? And we're not talking about educating people about AIDS or teen pregnancy or anything like that; we're talking about contributing to the English language. Not since Seinfeld introduced us to "close talkers" and "the manssiere" has a show taught us more catchphrases and terminology than How I Met Your Mother.
Even when they're merely using an existing word in a new way -- or just a funnier way -- it feels like the show is teaching us new ways to talk, and, by extension, to live. Here are just a few ways HIMYM has upgraded our personal lexicons.
As far as Seinfeld terms and phrases go I'd also add "you are soooo good looking" and "you think you're better than me? It's go time", along with many, many others.
Reachers and Settlers
In every relationship, there is a Reacher and a Settler. The Reacher is the one who has landed a mate who is in the upper end of their acquirability range, possibly even out of their league. The Settler is the one who has chosen someone in the lower end of their range, knowing full well that they could do better but choosing to go with a lesser catch. Because the Reacher knows that their grasp is tenuous, they are frequently jealous of other potential suitors, while the Settler tends to not be jealous, knowing that the Reacher is unlikely to find anyone better. Supposedly, Marshall is the Reacher in his relationship with Lily, although Lily's violent jealousy confuses the matter somewhat. (Note: If you are in a relationship, it is not wise to discuss who is the Reacher and who is the Settler. That way leads to hurt feelings.)
I've always referred to this phenomenon as "overachievers and underachievers", but this works too. In college I knew a girl that was a classic underachiever/settler. She was smokin' hot, but somehow always hooked up with kids that weren't even close to being on her level. I don't know if it was a confidence issue or what, but it was baddd.
Also, not that I'm in the life lesson giving business, but I don't think that people should ever settle.
On the Hook
When one attempts to steer a potential romantic conquest back to one's apartment, one uses "bait." That bait may be a record collection (Ted), a rap poster (Marshall), a slot machine, a trampoline or a teacup pig (all Barney), but whatever it is, it is designed to lure the object of desire and perhaps get them "on the hook," i.e. romantically interested. However, if someone is on the hook and their romantic feelings are not reciprocated, the "hookee" is doomed to stay on the hook until the "hooker" either reels them in (initiates a relationship), or throws them back in the water (spells out their lack of interest). To keep the hookee on the hook, perhaps as a "safety," the hooker will often say they can't be a couple "right now," implying a future in which them being together is a possibility.
Having someone on your hook is akin to leading them on and I think we can all relate to that. Either we've led someone on (perhaps unintentionally) or we've been led on ourselves. I mean, it's nice to know that you have options, but stringing someone along is cruel.
PS- I can't blame Ted for being on Carrie Underwood's hook. She's in my top 5 of current celebrity crushes along with Lea Michele, Natalie Portman, Lizzy Caplan, and Zooey Deschanel.
New Relationship Syndrome
Also called "New Relationship Smugness," this is the pattern of behavior demonstrated by new couples who think that they have relationships figured out because they live in a world free of conflict. Upon witnessing a couple that argues or disagrees with each other in any way, they immediately assume that that relationship is "in trouble" and try to fix it. Barney and Robin felt that way when they heard about Marshall and Lily's differing dishwashing philosophies, but then, we all know how long their relationship lasted, don't we?
The Mosby
So say there's someone who's interested in you, but you're not interested in them? Marshall has a surefire way to get them to back off, quick. It's called "The Mosby," named for Ted Mosby, who, on his first date with Robin, declared his love for her, thereby causing Robin to slow things down immediately. The two wouldn't date again for the rest of the season. So when Robin needed a way to let a smitten Barney down easily, all she had to do was tell him she loved him, and he immediately lost interest. Mosbied! Granted, that would probably only work on Barney, who typically sees declarations of affection (even his own) as a sign of weakness.
Yeah, no chance this would work in real life. Maybe I should have gone with, "Ted Mosby: Architect", but then I would've gotten into "The Playbook", etc.
Doppelganger
The MacLaren's gang has so far spotted doppelgangers for three out of five of its members. Robin's doppelganger is a short-haired lesbian seen walking in the street with a softball glove. Marshall's is a mustachioed Spanish-language lawyer named "Senor Justicia" who advertises on the sides of buses. And Lily's double is a stripper of Eastern European extraction named Jasmine. We expect to see the other two in due time.
Not only is doppelganger an awesome word because sounds like it's poop related, but it's actually very appropriate because it's another term for a look-a-like.
It's probably because I have a very keen eye (I got new glasses last week), but I've seen plenty of doppelgangers in my day. For example, there was a freshman that used to play basketball at the Rec Plex when I was a senior in college that looked exactly like one of my roommates. For a few months a bunch of us tried to arrange a meeting, but it always fell through. To be honest I feared that worlds might collide if the two were ever in the same room together, but plans for a meeting persisted. Finally the two met, thought that they were looking into a mirror, and about 33764763 pictures (actually more like 3) were taken, but for some reason I can't find any of them.
I would be remiss if I didn't include this picture of my friends and a kid (in the middle) that they seem to think looks like my long lost twin brother.
Front Porch Test
Whenever Ted's been dating a girl for a while, Lily subjects her to the Front Porch Test, in which Lily imagines herself, Marshall, Ted and the girl sitting on the porch of their beach house in their 70s. If Lily can't see it happening, she does what she has to do to split Ted and the girl up. After manipulating Ted to dump a string of girls in college, Lily planted an earring in Ted's bed to get Karen to dump him, then admitted to having kinda-sorta encouraged Ted and Robin to have the talk that led to them breaking up.
I think a lot of people do things like this when thinking about their boyfriend/girlfriend. The Front Porch Test is obviously a long term one, but I think there are plenty of "tests" that a potential mate has to pass. The Family Dinner Test, The Night Out with the Highschool Friends Test, The Concert/Sporting Event Test, etc.
Murtaugh List
Everybody knows what a bucket list is -- it's the list of things you want to do before you die. A Murtaugh list is the exact opposite -- it's a list of things you have to stop doing, right now, before you die. Named after Sgt. Roger Murtaugh of the Lethal Weapon franchise, these are the things that make you say, "I'm too old for this shit/stuff." Ted's Murtaugh list includes doing an all-nighter, going to a rave, sleeping on a futon, piercing your own ear and TP'ing a laser tag establishment, a list that Barney actually makes it nearly all the way through in 24 hours, although he comes out a little worse for the wear.
My Murtaugh list:
sleeping on the floor
funneling brews
smoking weed
video games
"Reading a Magazine"
Marshall has a problem. He doesn't like... "reading a magazine" with other people around. No big deal, it happens to all of us. But he really doesn't like it. In fact, he would rather go all the way to his and Ted's old apartment to "read a magazine" than use his office bathroom. Because everyone he works with can see him bringing the magazine in there, and they know what he's going to do: He's gonna take a crap. (No, Barney, he's not going to masturbate.) Luckily, Marshall got over it, and eventually learned to "read a magazine" with pride. Hopefully, the magazines have stopped speaking to him, too. No, not "magazines." Just regular magazines. That would be gross.
I'll be honest, for the majority of the episode I, like Barney, thought that "reading a magazine" meant masturbating. Pooping in public is a concern for many people though. I, a proud pooper, am even a bit hesitant when it comes to unleashing the fury at work. Turning a communal bathroom into a fume filled hazardous zone simply isn't fun for anybody. While I appreciate the show's handling of this issue, I don't think the term "reading a magazine" is applicable in real life.
On a related note, I was actually thinking the other day that girls are much smarter than guys when it comes to contributing to the flush fund. They take forever in the bathroom regardles of whether it's a one or a two on the agenda. Lord only knows what they're doing, but their indeterminant time spent in the bathroom serves as great cover when they actually have to pinch a loaf.
Guys, on the other hand, are much different. Whenever a guy has to pee he is all business. He drains the dragon, washes his hands, and exits right away. Staying in a male bathroom for an iota longer than they have to is unheard of for a guy. Maybe it's that we're competitive and feel like everything's a race or maybe it's that we're afraid of a girl thinking that we're plopping down in there.
The Naked Man
When a man is on a first date, he can tell whether or not there will be a second date, based on how attractive the woman is, how attractive he is and what sort of chemistry exists. Now, if a man finds himself in a losing situation, he can do two things: he can accept it, see the date to its conclusion, say good-bye and never see that woman again, or he can go for it. All or nothing. Cards on the table. One of Robin's dates chooses the latter. He chooses the Naked Man. When Robin is out of the room, he takes off all of his clothes and presents himself to her upon her return. There are a variety of poses to choose from (the Thinker, the Heisman, the Captain Morgan), and it supposedly works two out of three times. When it works on Robin, the rest of the MacLaren gang decide to try it out. Ted uses it successfully on a girl he doesn't want to take things further with, Lily pulls a Naked Woman on Marshall and ends an argument, and Barney... is thrown out of his disgusted date's apartment without his clothes, wallet or cell phone. Two out of three times, every time.
Now let me just say that this takes some serious kahunas to even attempt (pun, although terrible, intended). I also don't think it would work 2 out of 3 times. I'd go more with 1 out of 20.
I think the real question here, though, is what pose to present your Naked Man in. They offered some great suggestions in the episode and I'm still not sure which one I'd go with (probably because there's no way I'd ever even consider doing this).
Woo Girl
When Lily agreed to go out with a co-worker of hers and get a drink at a cowgirl bar, she had no idea that the woman was a Woo Girl -- that is, a woman who, when excited about something, raises her hand (or hands) or drink (or drinks) above her head and yells "Woooo!" They can be excited about pretty much anything -- it doesn't need to be particularly important, or even something anyone should be proud of. Woo Girls usually travel in packs, and "woo" in unison. Lily is further shocked when she finds out that Robin is also a Woo Girl, and finds herself being left out of Woo Girl gatherings. Lily then tries to be a Woo Girl, too, but Robin points out that she does not "Woo."
This term is incredibly accurate. Not to get deep on you, but "Woo Girl" is a sugar-coated way of saying immature. A lot of high school and college girls "Woo", but at some point they all realize that they have to grow up and become adults.
Suit Up!
If Barney were to give only one piece of advice -- and this is pure speculation, because the man gives advice about everything, whether it's asked for or not -- it would be to get a suit. Suits make you look cool and responsible, and that's why Barney always asks Ted to "Suit up!" before they go out to a bar. Unfortunately, Ted rarely listens, and when he does it's usually just a blazer, which is not a suit. The phrase can also be modified to describe the specific suit needed for a given event, as in "Snowsuit up!" (used when Barney was building the aforementioned igloo), "Flightsuit up!" (when Barney needed a wingman for his Top Gun Halloween costume) and "Penguin suit up!" (another Barney Halloween costume; he goes through about three a night).
This was one of the first terms that the show introduced and it's probably the one that fans of the show use most often. Whenever I wear a suit (which is maybe once a year) I make about 3-4 comments that are "Suit Up!" related. In fact, if I as much as saw a friend wearing a suit I would probably say something to the effect of, "Nice to see that you suited up."
Lawyered!
Marshall was often left out of the single-guy adventures of Ted and Barney -- not just because he was lucky enough to hook up with Lily in his freshman year at college and hang onto her for over nine years, but because he was studying to be a lawyer, which required a lot of late nights, heavy books and long research papers. However, his finely honed analytic mind gives him an advantage over the others, allowing him to see gaps in logic and to solve mysteries beyond the ken of an architect and... whatever it is that Barney does. Hence the rise of Marshall's lone catchphrase, "Lawyered!" While not as ubiquitous as "Suit up," he did put it to great use in proving that prostitution was not, in fact, the world's oldest profession. (It was fishing -- after all, where did cavemen get the fish to pay the prostitutes with?)
This is undoubtedly the best phrase that the show has created. By making the word lawyer a verb (unless it already was, I don't know these things) the show's writers have given Marshall the equivalent of a wrestler's finishing move. Whenever he knows that he has won an argument, legal or otherwise, he drops this phrase on the person he was arguing with and it's over. This is a great term to use among friends, but it's probably 87827353 times better if whoever uses it is actually a lawyer.
General Knowledge!
Technically an inside-joke between Ted and Robin, the use of common, everyday phrases as humorous military titles is not new. For examples, see The Simpsons' "Corporal Punishment," South Park's General Disarray," and Spaceballs' "Major A**hole." But Ted and Robin's penchant for spotting these kinds of phrases in conversations, repeating them in unison and then saluting ("General Knowledge!" "Major Buzzkill!") is exactly the kind of cute, couple-y behavior that friends would start to find aggravating after a while, which is what makes the whole conceit so believable. And while we would never repeat these phrases ourselves -- or, God forbid, salute them -- we can't help but smile every time we hear one spoken aloud, as we think of the adorable Ted and Robin, and how much we want to slap them.
I actually thought this was pretty funny and I think I would definitely laugh if I saw someone do it in real life.
Here are some examples that I thought of off the top of my head.
Major headache
Private matter
General vicinity
Lieutenant Governor
Major organs
Private quarters
The Hot/Crazy Scale
Perhaps Barney's most scientific contribution to the world of dating, the Hot/Crazy Scale is a handy chart indicating how hot a woman has to be in order to make her craziness tolerable in a relationship. As long as the woman isn't crazier than she is hot, she should fall just north of the Vicki Mendoza Diagonal, named for an ex of Barney's who would increase in hotness (losing ten pounds, getting a boob job) even as she increased in crazy (shaving her head, stabbing Barney with a fork). But beware -- if the scales start to tip in the favor of crazy, the woman can fall inside the Shelley Gillespie Zone, named for yet another of Barney's exes, who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill him with a brick. Was she crazy? Or did she just know about Barney's chart? Our money's on the latter.
Gotta love the reference to the Mendoza line, which for you non sports fans is a baseball term for hitting above or below .200.
And from Monday night's episode.....
Drunk or kid?
This term/game is currently sweeping the nation. The idea here is to guess whether someone was drunk or a kid when they did something ridiculous or when something ridiculous happened to them. For example, after Marshall says that he once dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet and then tried to dry them off in the microwave, Robin says that he must have been drunk off of his ass. Barney, however, thinks the act was too stupid for a adult to do, so he suggests that Marshall was a kid when it happened. Well, as it turned out, he was drunk.
How I Met Your Mother: The New Verbiage
There have been a lot of great television shows over the years, but how many have made greater contributions beyond sheer entertainment? And we're not talking about educating people about AIDS or teen pregnancy or anything like that; we're talking about contributing to the English language. Not since Seinfeld introduced us to "close talkers" and "the manssiere" has a show taught us more catchphrases and terminology than How I Met Your Mother.
Even when they're merely using an existing word in a new way -- or just a funnier way -- it feels like the show is teaching us new ways to talk, and, by extension, to live. Here are just a few ways HIMYM has upgraded our personal lexicons.
As far as Seinfeld terms and phrases go I'd also add "you are soooo good looking" and "you think you're better than me? It's go time", along with many, many others.
Reachers and Settlers
In every relationship, there is a Reacher and a Settler. The Reacher is the one who has landed a mate who is in the upper end of their acquirability range, possibly even out of their league. The Settler is the one who has chosen someone in the lower end of their range, knowing full well that they could do better but choosing to go with a lesser catch. Because the Reacher knows that their grasp is tenuous, they are frequently jealous of other potential suitors, while the Settler tends to not be jealous, knowing that the Reacher is unlikely to find anyone better. Supposedly, Marshall is the Reacher in his relationship with Lily, although Lily's violent jealousy confuses the matter somewhat. (Note: If you are in a relationship, it is not wise to discuss who is the Reacher and who is the Settler. That way leads to hurt feelings.)
I've always referred to this phenomenon as "overachievers and underachievers", but this works too. In college I knew a girl that was a classic underachiever/settler. She was smokin' hot, but somehow always hooked up with kids that weren't even close to being on her level. I don't know if it was a confidence issue or what, but it was baddd.
Also, not that I'm in the life lesson giving business, but I don't think that people should ever settle.
On the Hook
When one attempts to steer a potential romantic conquest back to one's apartment, one uses "bait." That bait may be a record collection (Ted), a rap poster (Marshall), a slot machine, a trampoline or a teacup pig (all Barney), but whatever it is, it is designed to lure the object of desire and perhaps get them "on the hook," i.e. romantically interested. However, if someone is on the hook and their romantic feelings are not reciprocated, the "hookee" is doomed to stay on the hook until the "hooker" either reels them in (initiates a relationship), or throws them back in the water (spells out their lack of interest). To keep the hookee on the hook, perhaps as a "safety," the hooker will often say they can't be a couple "right now," implying a future in which them being together is a possibility.
Having someone on your hook is akin to leading them on and I think we can all relate to that. Either we've led someone on (perhaps unintentionally) or we've been led on ourselves. I mean, it's nice to know that you have options, but stringing someone along is cruel.
PS- I can't blame Ted for being on Carrie Underwood's hook. She's in my top 5 of current celebrity crushes along with Lea Michele, Natalie Portman, Lizzy Caplan, and Zooey Deschanel.
New Relationship Syndrome
Also called "New Relationship Smugness," this is the pattern of behavior demonstrated by new couples who think that they have relationships figured out because they live in a world free of conflict. Upon witnessing a couple that argues or disagrees with each other in any way, they immediately assume that that relationship is "in trouble" and try to fix it. Barney and Robin felt that way when they heard about Marshall and Lily's differing dishwashing philosophies, but then, we all know how long their relationship lasted, don't we?
The Mosby
So say there's someone who's interested in you, but you're not interested in them? Marshall has a surefire way to get them to back off, quick. It's called "The Mosby," named for Ted Mosby, who, on his first date with Robin, declared his love for her, thereby causing Robin to slow things down immediately. The two wouldn't date again for the rest of the season. So when Robin needed a way to let a smitten Barney down easily, all she had to do was tell him she loved him, and he immediately lost interest. Mosbied! Granted, that would probably only work on Barney, who typically sees declarations of affection (even his own) as a sign of weakness.
Yeah, no chance this would work in real life. Maybe I should have gone with, "Ted Mosby: Architect", but then I would've gotten into "The Playbook", etc.
Doppelganger
The MacLaren's gang has so far spotted doppelgangers for three out of five of its members. Robin's doppelganger is a short-haired lesbian seen walking in the street with a softball glove. Marshall's is a mustachioed Spanish-language lawyer named "Senor Justicia" who advertises on the sides of buses. And Lily's double is a stripper of Eastern European extraction named Jasmine. We expect to see the other two in due time.
Not only is doppelganger an awesome word because sounds like it's poop related, but it's actually very appropriate because it's another term for a look-a-like.
It's probably because I have a very keen eye (I got new glasses last week), but I've seen plenty of doppelgangers in my day. For example, there was a freshman that used to play basketball at the Rec Plex when I was a senior in college that looked exactly like one of my roommates. For a few months a bunch of us tried to arrange a meeting, but it always fell through. To be honest I feared that worlds might collide if the two were ever in the same room together, but plans for a meeting persisted. Finally the two met, thought that they were looking into a mirror, and about 33764763 pictures (actually more like 3) were taken, but for some reason I can't find any of them.
I would be remiss if I didn't include this picture of my friends and a kid (in the middle) that they seem to think looks like my long lost twin brother.
Front Porch Test
Whenever Ted's been dating a girl for a while, Lily subjects her to the Front Porch Test, in which Lily imagines herself, Marshall, Ted and the girl sitting on the porch of their beach house in their 70s. If Lily can't see it happening, she does what she has to do to split Ted and the girl up. After manipulating Ted to dump a string of girls in college, Lily planted an earring in Ted's bed to get Karen to dump him, then admitted to having kinda-sorta encouraged Ted and Robin to have the talk that led to them breaking up.
I think a lot of people do things like this when thinking about their boyfriend/girlfriend. The Front Porch Test is obviously a long term one, but I think there are plenty of "tests" that a potential mate has to pass. The Family Dinner Test, The Night Out with the Highschool Friends Test, The Concert/Sporting Event Test, etc.
Murtaugh List
Everybody knows what a bucket list is -- it's the list of things you want to do before you die. A Murtaugh list is the exact opposite -- it's a list of things you have to stop doing, right now, before you die. Named after Sgt. Roger Murtaugh of the Lethal Weapon franchise, these are the things that make you say, "I'm too old for this shit/stuff." Ted's Murtaugh list includes doing an all-nighter, going to a rave, sleeping on a futon, piercing your own ear and TP'ing a laser tag establishment, a list that Barney actually makes it nearly all the way through in 24 hours, although he comes out a little worse for the wear.
My Murtaugh list:
sleeping on the floor
funneling brews
smoking weed
video games
"Reading a Magazine"
Marshall has a problem. He doesn't like... "reading a magazine" with other people around. No big deal, it happens to all of us. But he really doesn't like it. In fact, he would rather go all the way to his and Ted's old apartment to "read a magazine" than use his office bathroom. Because everyone he works with can see him bringing the magazine in there, and they know what he's going to do: He's gonna take a crap. (No, Barney, he's not going to masturbate.) Luckily, Marshall got over it, and eventually learned to "read a magazine" with pride. Hopefully, the magazines have stopped speaking to him, too. No, not "magazines." Just regular magazines. That would be gross.
I'll be honest, for the majority of the episode I, like Barney, thought that "reading a magazine" meant masturbating. Pooping in public is a concern for many people though. I, a proud pooper, am even a bit hesitant when it comes to unleashing the fury at work. Turning a communal bathroom into a fume filled hazardous zone simply isn't fun for anybody. While I appreciate the show's handling of this issue, I don't think the term "reading a magazine" is applicable in real life.
On a related note, I was actually thinking the other day that girls are much smarter than guys when it comes to contributing to the flush fund. They take forever in the bathroom regardles of whether it's a one or a two on the agenda. Lord only knows what they're doing, but their indeterminant time spent in the bathroom serves as great cover when they actually have to pinch a loaf.
Guys, on the other hand, are much different. Whenever a guy has to pee he is all business. He drains the dragon, washes his hands, and exits right away. Staying in a male bathroom for an iota longer than they have to is unheard of for a guy. Maybe it's that we're competitive and feel like everything's a race or maybe it's that we're afraid of a girl thinking that we're plopping down in there.
The Naked Man
When a man is on a first date, he can tell whether or not there will be a second date, based on how attractive the woman is, how attractive he is and what sort of chemistry exists. Now, if a man finds himself in a losing situation, he can do two things: he can accept it, see the date to its conclusion, say good-bye and never see that woman again, or he can go for it. All or nothing. Cards on the table. One of Robin's dates chooses the latter. He chooses the Naked Man. When Robin is out of the room, he takes off all of his clothes and presents himself to her upon her return. There are a variety of poses to choose from (the Thinker, the Heisman, the Captain Morgan), and it supposedly works two out of three times. When it works on Robin, the rest of the MacLaren gang decide to try it out. Ted uses it successfully on a girl he doesn't want to take things further with, Lily pulls a Naked Woman on Marshall and ends an argument, and Barney... is thrown out of his disgusted date's apartment without his clothes, wallet or cell phone. Two out of three times, every time.
Now let me just say that this takes some serious kahunas to even attempt (pun, although terrible, intended). I also don't think it would work 2 out of 3 times. I'd go more with 1 out of 20.
I think the real question here, though, is what pose to present your Naked Man in. They offered some great suggestions in the episode and I'm still not sure which one I'd go with (probably because there's no way I'd ever even consider doing this).
Woo Girl
When Lily agreed to go out with a co-worker of hers and get a drink at a cowgirl bar, she had no idea that the woman was a Woo Girl -- that is, a woman who, when excited about something, raises her hand (or hands) or drink (or drinks) above her head and yells "Woooo!" They can be excited about pretty much anything -- it doesn't need to be particularly important, or even something anyone should be proud of. Woo Girls usually travel in packs, and "woo" in unison. Lily is further shocked when she finds out that Robin is also a Woo Girl, and finds herself being left out of Woo Girl gatherings. Lily then tries to be a Woo Girl, too, but Robin points out that she does not "Woo."
This term is incredibly accurate. Not to get deep on you, but "Woo Girl" is a sugar-coated way of saying immature. A lot of high school and college girls "Woo", but at some point they all realize that they have to grow up and become adults.
Suit Up!
If Barney were to give only one piece of advice -- and this is pure speculation, because the man gives advice about everything, whether it's asked for or not -- it would be to get a suit. Suits make you look cool and responsible, and that's why Barney always asks Ted to "Suit up!" before they go out to a bar. Unfortunately, Ted rarely listens, and when he does it's usually just a blazer, which is not a suit. The phrase can also be modified to describe the specific suit needed for a given event, as in "Snowsuit up!" (used when Barney was building the aforementioned igloo), "Flightsuit up!" (when Barney needed a wingman for his Top Gun Halloween costume) and "Penguin suit up!" (another Barney Halloween costume; he goes through about three a night).
This was one of the first terms that the show introduced and it's probably the one that fans of the show use most often. Whenever I wear a suit (which is maybe once a year) I make about 3-4 comments that are "Suit Up!" related. In fact, if I as much as saw a friend wearing a suit I would probably say something to the effect of, "Nice to see that you suited up."
Lawyered!
Marshall was often left out of the single-guy adventures of Ted and Barney -- not just because he was lucky enough to hook up with Lily in his freshman year at college and hang onto her for over nine years, but because he was studying to be a lawyer, which required a lot of late nights, heavy books and long research papers. However, his finely honed analytic mind gives him an advantage over the others, allowing him to see gaps in logic and to solve mysteries beyond the ken of an architect and... whatever it is that Barney does. Hence the rise of Marshall's lone catchphrase, "Lawyered!" While not as ubiquitous as "Suit up," he did put it to great use in proving that prostitution was not, in fact, the world's oldest profession. (It was fishing -- after all, where did cavemen get the fish to pay the prostitutes with?)
This is undoubtedly the best phrase that the show has created. By making the word lawyer a verb (unless it already was, I don't know these things) the show's writers have given Marshall the equivalent of a wrestler's finishing move. Whenever he knows that he has won an argument, legal or otherwise, he drops this phrase on the person he was arguing with and it's over. This is a great term to use among friends, but it's probably 87827353 times better if whoever uses it is actually a lawyer.
General Knowledge!
Technically an inside-joke between Ted and Robin, the use of common, everyday phrases as humorous military titles is not new. For examples, see The Simpsons' "Corporal Punishment," South Park's General Disarray," and Spaceballs' "Major A**hole." But Ted and Robin's penchant for spotting these kinds of phrases in conversations, repeating them in unison and then saluting ("General Knowledge!" "Major Buzzkill!") is exactly the kind of cute, couple-y behavior that friends would start to find aggravating after a while, which is what makes the whole conceit so believable. And while we would never repeat these phrases ourselves -- or, God forbid, salute them -- we can't help but smile every time we hear one spoken aloud, as we think of the adorable Ted and Robin, and how much we want to slap them.
I actually thought this was pretty funny and I think I would definitely laugh if I saw someone do it in real life.
Here are some examples that I thought of off the top of my head.
Major headache
Private matter
General vicinity
Lieutenant Governor
Major organs
Private quarters
The Hot/Crazy Scale
Perhaps Barney's most scientific contribution to the world of dating, the Hot/Crazy Scale is a handy chart indicating how hot a woman has to be in order to make her craziness tolerable in a relationship. As long as the woman isn't crazier than she is hot, she should fall just north of the Vicki Mendoza Diagonal, named for an ex of Barney's who would increase in hotness (losing ten pounds, getting a boob job) even as she increased in crazy (shaving her head, stabbing Barney with a fork). But beware -- if the scales start to tip in the favor of crazy, the woman can fall inside the Shelley Gillespie Zone, named for yet another of Barney's exes, who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill him with a brick. Was she crazy? Or did she just know about Barney's chart? Our money's on the latter.
Gotta love the reference to the Mendoza line, which for you non sports fans is a baseball term for hitting above or below .200.
And from Monday night's episode.....
Drunk or kid?
This term/game is currently sweeping the nation. The idea here is to guess whether someone was drunk or a kid when they did something ridiculous or when something ridiculous happened to them. For example, after Marshall says that he once dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet and then tried to dry them off in the microwave, Robin says that he must have been drunk off of his ass. Barney, however, thinks the act was too stupid for a adult to do, so he suggests that Marshall was a kid when it happened. Well, as it turned out, he was drunk.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Deep Thoughts with Mad Max
It's been more than a year since our last installment of Deep Thoughts with Mad Max, so today we'll cover two burning questions that I have recently posed to the all knowing soothsayer.
First on the docket:
When an interracial couple has a child, are the parents each secretly hoping that the child more resembles their race?
I'm convinced that our racial identity is deeply ingrained in all of us. We might not think it is, but it's there. For example, I would argue that a white woman would be more scared of a black man walking toward her in an alley than she would a white man in the same scenario even if she was married to a black man.
Unfortunately no matter how hard we work toward racial equality we will never actually achieve the goal. Sure we've made great strides in the past 150 years, but it'd be foolish to suggest that racial equality was a reality in 2010. Obviously we don't need racial equality for an interracial couple to not have any brief thoughts of disappointment when their child more resembles their spouse's race, but I think that those thoughts do exist. Now, of course, the interracial couple's immediate thoughts are of pure joy at the life they have created, but don't you think that they wondered what race the child would be during the pregnancy? There's no way that this thought didn't cross their minds, right? Deep down I think that they root for their child to appear mixed, followed by their race, and then the race of their spouse.
When I asked Max the question he took the opposite angle. He explained that the parents would not be dissapointed (maybe this is the wrong word) in the least about the race of their child. Let's use everyone's favorite interracial couple (Heidi Klum and Seal) as an example. Max's point is that when Klum popped out their first child and he was black she wasn't dissappointed because she cared enough about Seal (who is blacker than black) to have a child with him. Continuing the example, when their next child came out of the womb and was white Seal was not dissapointed because he cared enough about Klum to conceive a child with her.
I'm totally on board with Max's point, but if we assume both examples to be true, are we also to assume that Klum was not happier at the birth of her white daughter?
Unfortunately I don't think it's fair for me to even speculate on this matter because it involves two variables: race and gender.
For example, I have three older brothers and twin sisters that are a year and a half younger than I am. This, or course, means that my mom was clearly hoping that I was going to be a girl. When I came out of the womb and had a little dingy hanging inbetween my legs she must have both been thrilled to have given birth to someone so awesome, but also dissappointed that I was a boy, just like her three previous children.
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Let's say that a guy and a girl are casually watching TV in a house/apartment. All of a sudden the guy experiences an undeniably urge to unleash whatever it is that's pushing up against his underpants, so he excuses himself.
How long is too long before the girl assumes that he's furiously forcing feces out of his rectum?
Max, in his infinite wisdom, quickly responded by saying ,"Three minutes tops." Now if this question appeared on the fast money portion of Family Feud (if you don't know what that is than you're reading the wrong blog) I have no doubt that it would be the #1 answer. I'm guessing that about 55 of the 100 people surveyed would have given the same response.
But while there's little doubt that this is the correct answer, it does raise other concerns. Can guys pull of a dump, wipe, and wash of the hands in the span of 3 minutes? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Male dump times probably average in the 5-10 minute range. Throw in the added pressure of a female waiting for their return from the bathroom and things can get a little dicey. Tickk, tick, tick, tickkkk, tick, tick.
A girl that was present when I asked Max this question said that she assumes a guy is dumping right away, which I found to be startling; however if she's ok with it than that's all the better, right?
A male that was present for the discussion suggested closing your cell phone upon your return to suggest that you were also making a call/sending a text in your absence. Clearly a veteran move, but if you try to pull it off you better have a believable answer for who you called/texted if you are asked.
In writing this post I've thought of a question that I want to know the answer to, but at the same time I don't. Let's say that in our example above it's the girl that gets that dreaded dump sensation. What's her course of action?
First on the docket:
When an interracial couple has a child, are the parents each secretly hoping that the child more resembles their race?
I'm convinced that our racial identity is deeply ingrained in all of us. We might not think it is, but it's there. For example, I would argue that a white woman would be more scared of a black man walking toward her in an alley than she would a white man in the same scenario even if she was married to a black man.
Unfortunately no matter how hard we work toward racial equality we will never actually achieve the goal. Sure we've made great strides in the past 150 years, but it'd be foolish to suggest that racial equality was a reality in 2010. Obviously we don't need racial equality for an interracial couple to not have any brief thoughts of disappointment when their child more resembles their spouse's race, but I think that those thoughts do exist. Now, of course, the interracial couple's immediate thoughts are of pure joy at the life they have created, but don't you think that they wondered what race the child would be during the pregnancy? There's no way that this thought didn't cross their minds, right? Deep down I think that they root for their child to appear mixed, followed by their race, and then the race of their spouse.
When I asked Max the question he took the opposite angle. He explained that the parents would not be dissapointed (maybe this is the wrong word) in the least about the race of their child. Let's use everyone's favorite interracial couple (Heidi Klum and Seal) as an example. Max's point is that when Klum popped out their first child and he was black she wasn't dissappointed because she cared enough about Seal (who is blacker than black) to have a child with him. Continuing the example, when their next child came out of the womb and was white Seal was not dissapointed because he cared enough about Klum to conceive a child with her.
I'm totally on board with Max's point, but if we assume both examples to be true, are we also to assume that Klum was not happier at the birth of her white daughter?
Unfortunately I don't think it's fair for me to even speculate on this matter because it involves two variables: race and gender.
For example, I have three older brothers and twin sisters that are a year and a half younger than I am. This, or course, means that my mom was clearly hoping that I was going to be a girl. When I came out of the womb and had a little dingy hanging inbetween my legs she must have both been thrilled to have given birth to someone so awesome, but also dissappointed that I was a boy, just like her three previous children.
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Let's say that a guy and a girl are casually watching TV in a house/apartment. All of a sudden the guy experiences an undeniably urge to unleash whatever it is that's pushing up against his underpants, so he excuses himself.
How long is too long before the girl assumes that he's furiously forcing feces out of his rectum?
Max, in his infinite wisdom, quickly responded by saying ,"Three minutes tops." Now if this question appeared on the fast money portion of Family Feud (if you don't know what that is than you're reading the wrong blog) I have no doubt that it would be the #1 answer. I'm guessing that about 55 of the 100 people surveyed would have given the same response.
But while there's little doubt that this is the correct answer, it does raise other concerns. Can guys pull of a dump, wipe, and wash of the hands in the span of 3 minutes? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. Male dump times probably average in the 5-10 minute range. Throw in the added pressure of a female waiting for their return from the bathroom and things can get a little dicey. Tickk, tick, tick, tickkkk, tick, tick.
A girl that was present when I asked Max this question said that she assumes a guy is dumping right away, which I found to be startling; however if she's ok with it than that's all the better, right?
A male that was present for the discussion suggested closing your cell phone upon your return to suggest that you were also making a call/sending a text in your absence. Clearly a veteran move, but if you try to pull it off you better have a believable answer for who you called/texted if you are asked.
In writing this post I've thought of a question that I want to know the answer to, but at the same time I don't. Let's say that in our example above it's the girl that gets that dreaded dump sensation. What's her course of action?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Over/Under?
Last month Cottonelle began an ad campaign that aimed to discover which way their consumers preferred to have their toilet paper on the roller. Did they prefer to have their toilet paper roll over, or under?
To settle the "debate" not only did Cottonelle post a poll on their website, but they even took their "roll poll" to the streets. They sent employees all over the country and had them ask random people which way they preferred to have their toilet paper rolled.
Here are some of the results:
Yes folks, Kristen in Atlanta is the writer of stopping to smell the roses, which sadly hasn't been updated in months. She was in the park with a friend when a woman with a video camera approached and asked if they'd like to particpate in a nationwide poll. They said yes, filled out release forms, and that was that. They also recently received a check for $200 for their participation.
Now after seeing the clip my first question, of course, was, "How did you know which way the toilet paper is rolled in hotel rooms?" She claims that she's just been in a lot of hotel rooms, but that's neither here nor there.
This toilet paper talk actually brings us to a more important debate. After you terrorize the toilet, do you stand and wipe? or do you remain seated?
You may think that this is an easy question to answer, but like with religion, most people just assume that their way is the proper way. To show you the range of responses that this question usually garners, I scoured a handful of forums to find the following:
Sitters:
"I think people that stand when wiping need to be locked up and evaluated before being let back into society with the rest of us."
"I shudder to think that I may actually know a standing wiper."
"I can't fathom how people think standing up to wipe their ass is acceptable."
"What's interesting is that I was taught as a kid to stand when I wipe. I was taught that only girls wipe sitting. But as I grew older, I realized it was simply more efficient to wipe while sitting. I always felt like I was going to the bathroom wrong if I didn't stand to wipe. But why would you want to stand? Your cheeks get all bunched up, increasing the probability of a nasty smear"
"I always sit, and had no idea anyone wiped while standing up. I still can't figure out how you can stand and wipe without getting shit all over your crack and your cheeks."
Standers:
"Sitters are weird, how do you get your hand in a position?"
"Stander here. I tried sitting down and wiping once, and I don't see how you do it without your penis touching the toilet rim. From what I understand, you have to lean forward, and then my penis ends up touching the toilet rim, and there still isn't enough room for my hand to get in from the back without touching the toilet seat. Yeah, weird."
"I'm a stander, it just seems much easier that way. The couple of times I've tried it sitting it was just awkward, balancing on one ass cheek and rubbing the back of my hand against the toilet rim, just didn't see the point to it."
"I don't get this contempt the sitters have for the standers, choose what ever works for you and celebrate diversity."
"Sitting down is just way too close to the imagined uncleanliness of the toilet/waste for my mild-OCD to cope with. Standing is less efficient, but it doesn't threaten me with near panic attacks like the prospect of sitting does."
As one of the world's leading experts on fecal matter I feel as if it is my duty to share my own personal style with you. Similarly to one of the respondents, I was potty trained to stand. I also just assumed that everyone else (with a penis) did likewise. That was until I read Poop Culture. As I poured through the pages of that groundbreaking literary work I began experimenting with different styles. Shortly thereafter I betrayed by my standing roots and became a sitter (I wipe with my left hand)
After thinking about it for a minute (I think most people stand because they never take the time to think about it) it just made more sense. Standing invariably makes the wiping process more difficult because doing so causes your ass cheeks to squish together.
Now I will admit that there isn't a lot of room in the bowl when you remain seated, but trust me, there's enough.
To settle the "debate" not only did Cottonelle post a poll on their website, but they even took their "roll poll" to the streets. They sent employees all over the country and had them ask random people which way they preferred to have their toilet paper rolled.
Here are some of the results:
Yes folks, Kristen in Atlanta is the writer of stopping to smell the roses, which sadly hasn't been updated in months. She was in the park with a friend when a woman with a video camera approached and asked if they'd like to particpate in a nationwide poll. They said yes, filled out release forms, and that was that. They also recently received a check for $200 for their participation.
Now after seeing the clip my first question, of course, was, "How did you know which way the toilet paper is rolled in hotel rooms?" She claims that she's just been in a lot of hotel rooms, but that's neither here nor there.
This toilet paper talk actually brings us to a more important debate. After you terrorize the toilet, do you stand and wipe? or do you remain seated?
You may think that this is an easy question to answer, but like with religion, most people just assume that their way is the proper way. To show you the range of responses that this question usually garners, I scoured a handful of forums to find the following:
Sitters:
"I think people that stand when wiping need to be locked up and evaluated before being let back into society with the rest of us."
"I shudder to think that I may actually know a standing wiper."
"I can't fathom how people think standing up to wipe their ass is acceptable."
"What's interesting is that I was taught as a kid to stand when I wipe. I was taught that only girls wipe sitting. But as I grew older, I realized it was simply more efficient to wipe while sitting. I always felt like I was going to the bathroom wrong if I didn't stand to wipe. But why would you want to stand? Your cheeks get all bunched up, increasing the probability of a nasty smear"
"I always sit, and had no idea anyone wiped while standing up. I still can't figure out how you can stand and wipe without getting shit all over your crack and your cheeks."
Standers:
"Sitters are weird, how do you get your hand in a position?"
"Stander here. I tried sitting down and wiping once, and I don't see how you do it without your penis touching the toilet rim. From what I understand, you have to lean forward, and then my penis ends up touching the toilet rim, and there still isn't enough room for my hand to get in from the back without touching the toilet seat. Yeah, weird."
"I'm a stander, it just seems much easier that way. The couple of times I've tried it sitting it was just awkward, balancing on one ass cheek and rubbing the back of my hand against the toilet rim, just didn't see the point to it."
"I don't get this contempt the sitters have for the standers, choose what ever works for you and celebrate diversity."
"Sitting down is just way too close to the imagined uncleanliness of the toilet/waste for my mild-OCD to cope with. Standing is less efficient, but it doesn't threaten me with near panic attacks like the prospect of sitting does."
As one of the world's leading experts on fecal matter I feel as if it is my duty to share my own personal style with you. Similarly to one of the respondents, I was potty trained to stand. I also just assumed that everyone else (with a penis) did likewise. That was until I read Poop Culture. As I poured through the pages of that groundbreaking literary work I began experimenting with different styles. Shortly thereafter I betrayed by my standing roots and became a sitter (I wipe with my left hand)
After thinking about it for a minute (I think most people stand because they never take the time to think about it) it just made more sense. Standing invariably makes the wiping process more difficult because doing so causes your ass cheeks to squish together.
Now I will admit that there isn't a lot of room in the bowl when you remain seated, but trust me, there's enough.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Year One
No, not the horrendous Jack Black/Michael Cera film (which ironically comes out on DVD this week), but it was a little more than a year ago that my friend Mike suggested that I start this blog. Once I decided to actually enter into the blogosphere the next step was to think of a name. I wanted something obscure, but catchy and as soon as my friend Matty K suggested "The Shampoo Effect" I had one of those "Yup, that's it" reactions.
Matty K suggested "The Shampoo Effect" because it was somewhat of an old joke we had back in college. It all started when a bunch of us went to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break during our senior year. We got there on a Saturday afternoon and hit the bar/club scene hard on that initial night. The next morning we were all still pretty buzzed in our condo, but we decided to ride the wave, so we started cracking brews left and right. It was at this point that one of my former roommates, Glancy, said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys. Remember, the shampoo effect." I swear there was silence for a good 5-6 seconds after he spoke. We were all sitting their glossy-eyed with brews in hand trying to make sense of what Glancy had just said. Finally someone said, "Glance, what the fuck are you talking about?", which is exactly what the rest of us were thinking. Then in what I think could only be characterized as a slur infested, mumbled response Glancy said, "Uhh well, you know. When you wash your hair you uhh rinse and repeat." Someone quickly interjected here and made a joke about Glancy not knowing anything about washing his hair. Glancy then continued, "No, when you wash your hair you rinse and repeat. You shampoo it. Then rinse. Then you shampoo it again, but the second time you don't need as much shampoo."
What he meant was that because we were all still feeling the effects of the night before we wouldn't need as much alcohol to get drunk again. Why he tried to warn us about getting too drunk on Spring Break and why he decided to use such an absurd reference, I'll never know, but the story doesn't end there. Our first weekend back to school just so happened to be St. Patrick's Day. The 17th was actually on a Monday, but the celebration was planned for all day Sunday. Most of us (the varsity team) had not only abused our bodies the entire week before on Spring Break, but we went out hard on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday(which was my birthday), and Saturday. Collllllllllllegggggge.
By the time Sunday morning's St. Patrick's day celebration rolled around most people were a little worn out. Matty K and I walked around the party together and just about every girl we talked to said something to the effect of, "I'm so tired. I can't believe I'm drinking right now." Upon hearing them say some variation of this, the K Man or I would very matter of factly say, "Right, of course. The shampoo effect." Without fail the girl would have no clue what we meant so she would say, "What's the shampoo effect?" Matty K or I would then say, "Ask Glancy about it." We must have had this same conversation with no joke 15-20 different girls. It got to the point where it was too easy. Some girls said things like, "I think I'm still drunk from last night." It was like clockwork.
Now the best part was actually seeing the girls go up to Glancy to ask him what the hell the shampoo effect was. It should be noted that he drank an entire bottle of Jameson by himself that day. At first he would just tell each girl what he told us all in Texas, but by the 6th time a girl asked him he started to get aggravated. It didn't help that everytime a girl came up to him Matty K and I were somewhere close by laughing our faces off. As the whiskey started to take its affect he started to not even respond to the girl and just turn in our general direction and say, "Go fuck yourselves." To Matty K and I it was one of those things that got funnier every time.
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Now over the course of the last year I have found enough spare time in my busy schedule of watching sports, dumping, and sleeping to string together exactly 100 posts. Of those 100 there are plenty that I like, but also plenty that I'm not too wild about. As The Shampoo Effect rolls into year two, let's take a look back at some of the highlights of year one.
1.) Hang out with your wang out (October 13th, 2008)- In this post I tackled both the unwritten rules that govern the male bathroom and how much of a d bag former Providence point guard Donnie McGrath is.
2.) Gaydar (November 18th, 2008)- When I found out that my friend had been dating his girlfriend for 6 years I began to wonder if the relationship was just a cover up for his homosexuality.
Remember that he is the one that you hear singing in this video.
3.) The three chicks I'd marry tomorrow (December 3rd, 2008)- In this post I went a little soft and discussed three female movie characters that I would have no doubts about marrying if they were actual people. I must say that my readers offered some very good suggestions in the comments section of this post.
4.) You say you a gangsta, but you neva pop nothin'. We say you a wanksta and you need to stop frontin' (January 15th, 2009)- Too often suburban white kids like me turn rap/hip hop mainstream. In this post I presented the top 10 offenses of this wide spread epidemic.
5.) Friends before Fame (August 3rd, 2009)- I stumbled across an article that listed celebrity duos that were roommates before they became famous. Naturally I wondered which of my former roommates would join me in the world of celebrity down the road.
Since the time of this post, I'm happy to report that one of my former roommates has made some strides in building their celebrity resume. Last month my cousin took part in the filming of a documentary on a book written by NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
He is to the left of Kareem in the picture and ironically enough what he sees when he looks in the mirror is to the right of Kareem in the picture.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Year One recap wouldn't be complete unless I included my first ever blog post. It brings me great joy to think that the first words that I ever wrote on this blog were, "Poop is the great equalizer."
Story of my life
"It's water, straight fucking water."
Poop is the great equalizer. It is one of the very few things that we all have in common yet somehow we, as a society, have branded this bond with disdain. Despite the negative connotation surrounding the process of squeezing some chocolate sauce out, pooping has managed to have a rather successful career in comedy. Everybody loves a good poop story and most people have a few about the old number two. Now I have quite the pooping resume, but this one has got to take the cake as the best one going. I can not get enough of this grown man, a sports icon, readily admitting to pooping his pants twice a year on average.
Matty K suggested "The Shampoo Effect" because it was somewhat of an old joke we had back in college. It all started when a bunch of us went to South Padre, Texas for Spring Break during our senior year. We got there on a Saturday afternoon and hit the bar/club scene hard on that initial night. The next morning we were all still pretty buzzed in our condo, but we decided to ride the wave, so we started cracking brews left and right. It was at this point that one of my former roommates, Glancy, said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys. Remember, the shampoo effect." I swear there was silence for a good 5-6 seconds after he spoke. We were all sitting their glossy-eyed with brews in hand trying to make sense of what Glancy had just said. Finally someone said, "Glance, what the fuck are you talking about?", which is exactly what the rest of us were thinking. Then in what I think could only be characterized as a slur infested, mumbled response Glancy said, "Uhh well, you know. When you wash your hair you uhh rinse and repeat." Someone quickly interjected here and made a joke about Glancy not knowing anything about washing his hair. Glancy then continued, "No, when you wash your hair you rinse and repeat. You shampoo it. Then rinse. Then you shampoo it again, but the second time you don't need as much shampoo."
What he meant was that because we were all still feeling the effects of the night before we wouldn't need as much alcohol to get drunk again. Why he tried to warn us about getting too drunk on Spring Break and why he decided to use such an absurd reference, I'll never know, but the story doesn't end there. Our first weekend back to school just so happened to be St. Patrick's Day. The 17th was actually on a Monday, but the celebration was planned for all day Sunday. Most of us (the varsity team) had not only abused our bodies the entire week before on Spring Break, but we went out hard on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday(which was my birthday), and Saturday. Collllllllllllegggggge.
By the time Sunday morning's St. Patrick's day celebration rolled around most people were a little worn out. Matty K and I walked around the party together and just about every girl we talked to said something to the effect of, "I'm so tired. I can't believe I'm drinking right now." Upon hearing them say some variation of this, the K Man or I would very matter of factly say, "Right, of course. The shampoo effect." Without fail the girl would have no clue what we meant so she would say, "What's the shampoo effect?" Matty K or I would then say, "Ask Glancy about it." We must have had this same conversation with no joke 15-20 different girls. It got to the point where it was too easy. Some girls said things like, "I think I'm still drunk from last night." It was like clockwork.
Now the best part was actually seeing the girls go up to Glancy to ask him what the hell the shampoo effect was. It should be noted that he drank an entire bottle of Jameson by himself that day. At first he would just tell each girl what he told us all in Texas, but by the 6th time a girl asked him he started to get aggravated. It didn't help that everytime a girl came up to him Matty K and I were somewhere close by laughing our faces off. As the whiskey started to take its affect he started to not even respond to the girl and just turn in our general direction and say, "Go fuck yourselves." To Matty K and I it was one of those things that got funnier every time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now over the course of the last year I have found enough spare time in my busy schedule of watching sports, dumping, and sleeping to string together exactly 100 posts. Of those 100 there are plenty that I like, but also plenty that I'm not too wild about. As The Shampoo Effect rolls into year two, let's take a look back at some of the highlights of year one.
1.) Hang out with your wang out (October 13th, 2008)- In this post I tackled both the unwritten rules that govern the male bathroom and how much of a d bag former Providence point guard Donnie McGrath is.
2.) Gaydar (November 18th, 2008)- When I found out that my friend had been dating his girlfriend for 6 years I began to wonder if the relationship was just a cover up for his homosexuality.
Remember that he is the one that you hear singing in this video.
3.) The three chicks I'd marry tomorrow (December 3rd, 2008)- In this post I went a little soft and discussed three female movie characters that I would have no doubts about marrying if they were actual people. I must say that my readers offered some very good suggestions in the comments section of this post.
4.) You say you a gangsta, but you neva pop nothin'. We say you a wanksta and you need to stop frontin' (January 15th, 2009)- Too often suburban white kids like me turn rap/hip hop mainstream. In this post I presented the top 10 offenses of this wide spread epidemic.
5.) Friends before Fame (August 3rd, 2009)- I stumbled across an article that listed celebrity duos that were roommates before they became famous. Naturally I wondered which of my former roommates would join me in the world of celebrity down the road.
Since the time of this post, I'm happy to report that one of my former roommates has made some strides in building their celebrity resume. Last month my cousin took part in the filming of a documentary on a book written by NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
He is to the left of Kareem in the picture and ironically enough what he sees when he looks in the mirror is to the right of Kareem in the picture.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Year One recap wouldn't be complete unless I included my first ever blog post. It brings me great joy to think that the first words that I ever wrote on this blog were, "Poop is the great equalizer."
Story of my life
"It's water, straight fucking water."
Poop is the great equalizer. It is one of the very few things that we all have in common yet somehow we, as a society, have branded this bond with disdain. Despite the negative connotation surrounding the process of squeezing some chocolate sauce out, pooping has managed to have a rather successful career in comedy. Everybody loves a good poop story and most people have a few about the old number two. Now I have quite the pooping resume, but this one has got to take the cake as the best one going. I can not get enough of this grown man, a sports icon, readily admitting to pooping his pants twice a year on average.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
50 reasons not to get married
My buddy sent me a list of 100 reasons not to get married that some joker compiled. The list was a bit repetitive and a few of the reasons were a bit suspect, so I cut the list in half. My personal comments are in italics.
When you’re single...
1.) You get the whole bed to yourself.
2.) There's no pressure to make the bed in the morning/ever.
3.) Nobody smells your dragon breath or sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
4.) You can stay in the shower as long as you want and don’t have to worry about conserving hot water for a spouse/kids.
5.) There's half as much housework, cooking, and cleaning to do. -although if you get married your wife should be responsible for 90% of this stuff, right?
6.) You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
7.) You can get home from work at whatever time you like.
8.) You get to eat the whole meal for two, by yourself.
7.) There are fewer important birthdays (spouse, kids, spouse’s parents,etc) and no anniversaries to accidentally forget.
8.) Without a spouse you have can still have a decent social life in your 30s.
9.) You don’t have to live halfway between your workplace and your spouse’s workplace. -if your wife's workplace is the kitchen then I guess you're all set on this one.
10.) Once you’re married most of your friends will also be married and will mostly be staying home with their own spouse’s instead of hanging out with you.
11.) No soap operas.
12.) You can throw your dirty socks on the floor where they belong.
13.) You don’t have to worry about what the bathroom smells like when you walk out of it. -definitely more terrifying if it's your wife that's stinking up the joint
14.) You don’t have to put out Christmas lights if you don’t want to.
15.) When you’re single the lawn looks a lot better when the grass is longer.
16.) No one snores.
17.) On your way out you know that you’re shoes are right where you took them off yesterday.
18.) You don't have to shave if you don’t want to. -I might grow an NBA playoffs beard
19.) You don't have to buy Valentines/birthday/Mother's day cards.
20.) You won’t have anyone saying 'you're not going to wear that, are you?'
21.) You ALWAYS know EXACTLY how much is in your checking account.
22.) There are no unexplainable moods to contend with.
23.) You are accountable to no one. You never have to say where you've been or what you've been doing.
24.) You never have to worry about saying what you think, or having to pretend you’re thinking something that you’re not.
25.) You can eat what YOU want. -bacon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
26.) You can have friends over who behave outrageously whenever you want.
27.) You can surf the internet till you’re eyes fall out if you want to.
28.) You can listen to your favorite tunes in the house or in the car and no one fiddles with the station or complains about your taste in music.
29.) You can go to bed when you please.
30.) There's plenty of space in the closet.
31.) You don't have to pretend that you’re interested in what happened to your spouse at work today.
32.) You can drink wine out of a bottle or milk right out of the jug whenever you like.
33.) You can pass gas at will. -yahtzee
34.) When you’re single your opinion is always the best opinion.
35.) You don't have to listen to your spouse pant every time their favorite actor or musician comes on the television. -Oh my God, Grey's is on!
36.) When you’re single you can flush or let that log float around for a while.
37.) You don’t have to share ANYTHING with ANYONE.
38.) No in-laws (this one speaks for itself)
39.) Las Vegas is back on the list of vacation considerations.
40.) You can wear sweatpants all day. - "Oh, if they were Sean Jean sweatpants it would be no problem, but because they were Costco brand, it's the worst thing I could do." - Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
41.) When you get home after work, you don't have to start work again.
40.) You can tell people you’re single and not have to lie about it.
45.) You'll never have to trade your interest in miniskirts for minivans.
46.) When you’re single you get to hold the actual credit card and not just the bill.
47.)When you’re single going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
48.) You can come home drunk and not have to pretend you’re sober.
49.) When you’re single you can lick the spoon and keep on stirring like nothing happened.
50.) Finally, when you’re single you can enjoy the silence any time you want
When you’re single...
1.) You get the whole bed to yourself.
2.) There's no pressure to make the bed in the morning/ever.
3.) Nobody smells your dragon breath or sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
4.) You can stay in the shower as long as you want and don’t have to worry about conserving hot water for a spouse/kids.
5.) There's half as much housework, cooking, and cleaning to do. -although if you get married your wife should be responsible for 90% of this stuff, right?
6.) You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
7.) You can get home from work at whatever time you like.
8.) You get to eat the whole meal for two, by yourself.
7.) There are fewer important birthdays (spouse, kids, spouse’s parents,etc) and no anniversaries to accidentally forget.
8.) Without a spouse you have can still have a decent social life in your 30s.
9.) You don’t have to live halfway between your workplace and your spouse’s workplace. -if your wife's workplace is the kitchen then I guess you're all set on this one.
10.) Once you’re married most of your friends will also be married and will mostly be staying home with their own spouse’s instead of hanging out with you.
11.) No soap operas.
12.) You can throw your dirty socks on the floor where they belong.
13.) You don’t have to worry about what the bathroom smells like when you walk out of it. -definitely more terrifying if it's your wife that's stinking up the joint
14.) You don’t have to put out Christmas lights if you don’t want to.
15.) When you’re single the lawn looks a lot better when the grass is longer.
16.) No one snores.
17.) On your way out you know that you’re shoes are right where you took them off yesterday.
18.) You don't have to shave if you don’t want to. -I might grow an NBA playoffs beard
19.) You don't have to buy Valentines/birthday/Mother's day cards.
20.) You won’t have anyone saying 'you're not going to wear that, are you?'
21.) You ALWAYS know EXACTLY how much is in your checking account.
22.) There are no unexplainable moods to contend with.
23.) You are accountable to no one. You never have to say where you've been or what you've been doing.
24.) You never have to worry about saying what you think, or having to pretend you’re thinking something that you’re not.
25.) You can eat what YOU want. -bacon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
26.) You can have friends over who behave outrageously whenever you want.
27.) You can surf the internet till you’re eyes fall out if you want to.
28.) You can listen to your favorite tunes in the house or in the car and no one fiddles with the station or complains about your taste in music.
29.) You can go to bed when you please.
30.) There's plenty of space in the closet.
31.) You don't have to pretend that you’re interested in what happened to your spouse at work today.
32.) You can drink wine out of a bottle or milk right out of the jug whenever you like.
33.) You can pass gas at will. -yahtzee
34.) When you’re single your opinion is always the best opinion.
35.) You don't have to listen to your spouse pant every time their favorite actor or musician comes on the television. -Oh my God, Grey's is on!
36.) When you’re single you can flush or let that log float around for a while.
37.) You don’t have to share ANYTHING with ANYONE.
38.) No in-laws (this one speaks for itself)
39.) Las Vegas is back on the list of vacation considerations.
40.) You can wear sweatpants all day. - "Oh, if they were Sean Jean sweatpants it would be no problem, but because they were Costco brand, it's the worst thing I could do." - Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
41.) When you get home after work, you don't have to start work again.
40.) You can tell people you’re single and not have to lie about it.
45.) You'll never have to trade your interest in miniskirts for minivans.
46.) When you’re single you get to hold the actual credit card and not just the bill.
47.)When you’re single going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
48.) You can come home drunk and not have to pretend you’re sober.
49.) When you’re single you can lick the spoon and keep on stirring like nothing happened.
50.) Finally, when you’re single you can enjoy the silence any time you want
Monday, March 2, 2009
Let's talk about...
It's not just this blizzard that has the weather on the minds of many in the northeast. It's literally an everyday thing. Adults that are forced into conversation immediately revert to the weather no matter what. Either it's "such a beautiful day", "it's freezing out", or it's "really coming down out there". Somehow weather has become the ultimate buffer zone in conversational tactics and I think that we can do better.
I mean, I get it. People naturally gravitate to the weather because its a common bond. Everyone experiences the weather and therefore it's relevant material to use in conversation. It also changes enough as to not become that stale of a topic. I've just gotten sick of it. We have so many other commonalities to chose from. Why did we settle on weather? I think last night was the tipping point for me. At about 5 p.m., people at work were talking to upper management about being put up in hotel rooms that night, even though at the time, it wasn't snowing. Then, when I was leaving at around 8 p.m. I said "Have a good night" to a security guard who responded by saying "Be careful out there." Again, at this point, it was not snowing at all. Well sure enough I woke up this morning and there was finally a sheet of white on the ground. This just means that everyone in the great state of Connecticut will automatically turn into a 78-year-old woman behind the wheel.
The weather is such a part of our daily lives that we've glorified the men that predict it. Some how this man became a celebrity? Sure, some guys handle the green screen better than others, but why do we care? It's not like people use their terminology. As bland as talking about the weather is, the manner in which it is talked about is worse; however this actually might be a good thing. I don't want anyone asking me if I saw the quadruple doppler sonar percentage index. Either way, this whole weather talk has gone too far. Can't we think of something else to talk about? Let's explore some other commonalities and figure out if they'll work.
Politics? Nope, too polarizing. The government is something that we all have in common, but it's too risky of a topic to bring up in conversation with someone you barely know because they might have differing views. Some people just find politics to be too personal.
On this note, the media clearly shapes the way that people think about politics. Most of Americans disapproved of George W. Bush, but I highly doubt that many could provide a solid reason for their disapproval. Similarly, people think that Obama is the cure for all that is wrong with our country.
Sports? The world of sports gives us a break from talking about the weather at the water cooler/in the elevator a few times a year, but not enough people follow sports closely enough for it to become a daily conversational topic. Plenty of people just don't care enough about sports and those they do often don't have the time to follow them as closely as they would like to. What games are popular enough to talk about with a relative stranger? I would argue only the superbowl and possibly the NCAA men's basketball tournament. Although baseball diehards still claim that it's America's pastime (it's not), no one worth talking to will watch the conclusion of a World Series game when the first pitch is thrown at 10:37 p.m.
Poop? Unfortunately society has attached a stigma to this natural bodily function that we all experience. I've read a book about poop and had a few (daily) conversations with people about it and I have learned so much. Just think of all the things that people could learn (wiping style, etc) from each other when it comes to bathroom experience. To me it seems like a great conversational topic, but maybe that's because I poop like clockwork when I wake up every morning. It's more than a routine. It's part of waking up. Once my feet hit the ground I'm headed to the dish. It's really too bad that there are so many 'shameful shitters' out there.
Movies? In this day and age movies have almost lost their luster. I can't remember a time in the past few years (outside of seeing The Dark Knight at midnight) where I was in a theater that was packed. This is a problem because daily conversational topics have to be current. Therefore the only movies that could be discussed are those recently/or currently in theaters. This severely limits the potential of this topic because of people's reliance on Blockbuster/Netflix and On Demand. People just don't go to the movies like they used to. In fact, I know a girl that hasn't seen a movie in theaters since Blade (1998), which featured Wesley Snipes.
Food? I actually think this one could work. Think about it. Everyone eats. Why not ask people that you come across what they had for breakfast or lunch? Then after they answer you can ask how whatever they ate was and continue from there. Speaking of food, I'm currently on a quest to acquire as many simple recipes as I can to broaden my diet. Chef Boyardee Ravioli, Cheez-its, and Mountain Dew just aren't cutting it anymore.
Keep your ears peeled for weather-related conversations and you'll notice how out of control it is in no time.
I mean, I get it. People naturally gravitate to the weather because its a common bond. Everyone experiences the weather and therefore it's relevant material to use in conversation. It also changes enough as to not become that stale of a topic. I've just gotten sick of it. We have so many other commonalities to chose from. Why did we settle on weather? I think last night was the tipping point for me. At about 5 p.m., people at work were talking to upper management about being put up in hotel rooms that night, even though at the time, it wasn't snowing. Then, when I was leaving at around 8 p.m. I said "Have a good night" to a security guard who responded by saying "Be careful out there." Again, at this point, it was not snowing at all. Well sure enough I woke up this morning and there was finally a sheet of white on the ground. This just means that everyone in the great state of Connecticut will automatically turn into a 78-year-old woman behind the wheel.
The weather is such a part of our daily lives that we've glorified the men that predict it. Some how this man became a celebrity? Sure, some guys handle the green screen better than others, but why do we care? It's not like people use their terminology. As bland as talking about the weather is, the manner in which it is talked about is worse; however this actually might be a good thing. I don't want anyone asking me if I saw the quadruple doppler sonar percentage index. Either way, this whole weather talk has gone too far. Can't we think of something else to talk about? Let's explore some other commonalities and figure out if they'll work.
Politics? Nope, too polarizing. The government is something that we all have in common, but it's too risky of a topic to bring up in conversation with someone you barely know because they might have differing views. Some people just find politics to be too personal.
On this note, the media clearly shapes the way that people think about politics. Most of Americans disapproved of George W. Bush, but I highly doubt that many could provide a solid reason for their disapproval. Similarly, people think that Obama is the cure for all that is wrong with our country.
Sports? The world of sports gives us a break from talking about the weather at the water cooler/in the elevator a few times a year, but not enough people follow sports closely enough for it to become a daily conversational topic. Plenty of people just don't care enough about sports and those they do often don't have the time to follow them as closely as they would like to. What games are popular enough to talk about with a relative stranger? I would argue only the superbowl and possibly the NCAA men's basketball tournament. Although baseball diehards still claim that it's America's pastime (it's not), no one worth talking to will watch the conclusion of a World Series game when the first pitch is thrown at 10:37 p.m.
Poop? Unfortunately society has attached a stigma to this natural bodily function that we all experience. I've read a book about poop and had a few (daily) conversations with people about it and I have learned so much. Just think of all the things that people could learn (wiping style, etc) from each other when it comes to bathroom experience. To me it seems like a great conversational topic, but maybe that's because I poop like clockwork when I wake up every morning. It's more than a routine. It's part of waking up. Once my feet hit the ground I'm headed to the dish. It's really too bad that there are so many 'shameful shitters' out there.
Movies? In this day and age movies have almost lost their luster. I can't remember a time in the past few years (outside of seeing The Dark Knight at midnight) where I was in a theater that was packed. This is a problem because daily conversational topics have to be current. Therefore the only movies that could be discussed are those recently/or currently in theaters. This severely limits the potential of this topic because of people's reliance on Blockbuster/Netflix and On Demand. People just don't go to the movies like they used to. In fact, I know a girl that hasn't seen a movie in theaters since Blade (1998), which featured Wesley Snipes.
Food? I actually think this one could work. Think about it. Everyone eats. Why not ask people that you come across what they had for breakfast or lunch? Then after they answer you can ask how whatever they ate was and continue from there. Speaking of food, I'm currently on a quest to acquire as many simple recipes as I can to broaden my diet. Chef Boyardee Ravioli, Cheez-its, and Mountain Dew just aren't cutting it anymore.
Keep your ears peeled for weather-related conversations and you'll notice how out of control it is in no time.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Relax girls, but don't let it out
Last Thursday, CNN came out with an article for women titled "Relationship anxieties to quit worrying about." The main point was that women stress too much over things that guys don't even care about (Shocker, right?). Some of the author's examples I agree with, but others I do not.
1.) Stretch marks- I think this is a subject that not too many of us have had to deal with, but to say that guys don't really care about them is fairly accurate. More often than not, guys will only come across stretch marks when dealing with a woman that used to be fat and is now skinny (obviously no problem there) or with a woman that has given birth (all's good if it's your baby's momma and even if it's not- bonus points for sticking a mom).
While guys my age may not have had to deal with stretch marks, I'm sure they have dealt with tan lines. Now some of my friends really like tan lines, while others do not. Either way, they are not a turn off because if one encounters tan lines, it means they have been granted access to an area where the general public or tanning booth has been denied.
2.) Can I spend a night with my girlfriends?- YES, please do. Guys need time away from women. The phrase "can't live with them, but can't live without them" really applies here. Men just need some time to unwind, drink a few frosty bevs and watch some sports with the guys. There is a scene in the movie "You, Me, and Dupree" that illustrates this point. Seth Rogan is pumped for guy's night but once the clock hits midnight he has to go back home to his wife. He asks the recently married Matt Dillon how late he gets to stay out and enjoy being free from his wife and then this exchange ensues.
Seth Rogan- Does my breath smell like beer?
Matt Dillon- Yeah
Seth Rogan- Good, because do you want to know what it doesn't smell like? Weed and cigarettes.
3.) Age- The only age that guys tend to worry about is the one that the law says is illegal. Older women need not fear. If you are attractive, guys really don't care that much. I guess it becomes a little fishy when women hit menopause if a guy wants to procreate, but that's a little too serious for the time being.
I actually have a friend, who as a college senior was hooking up with a high school senior. He was 21 and she was 17. Luckily for him this relationship was all within the bounds of the law (the age of consent in New York is 17 and just 16 in Connecticut). When she came to visit him, everyone's first question after being introduced was naturally, "Where do you go to school?" My friend, the wise man that he is, told everyone that she went to BC. They all thought he meant Boston College, but in reality he meant before college.
4.) Sexual experience- This is another one where most guys usually could care less. As long as they are getting some, they are happy campers; however guys are less inclined to go after the very promiscuous girl, unless they are in a slump or are blacked out. In fact, I once wrote, "You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers."
5.) Farting- This is where I largely disagree with the article. Guys largely like their women to be ladylike. Breaking wind for women is off limits. In fact, I'm sure you've heard this before, but guys sincerely want to believe that girls don't poop. Now this might sound strange coming from a man who's ability to fart virtually on command has garnered him the nickname "Fartman", but there is just something masculine about anal acoustics. That being said, guys farting in front of girls should almost be off limits as well. It's not classy to flatulate in front of women, but sometimes our gas has a mind of its own and just slips out via a one cheek sneak.
1.) Stretch marks- I think this is a subject that not too many of us have had to deal with, but to say that guys don't really care about them is fairly accurate. More often than not, guys will only come across stretch marks when dealing with a woman that used to be fat and is now skinny (obviously no problem there) or with a woman that has given birth (all's good if it's your baby's momma and even if it's not- bonus points for sticking a mom).
While guys my age may not have had to deal with stretch marks, I'm sure they have dealt with tan lines. Now some of my friends really like tan lines, while others do not. Either way, they are not a turn off because if one encounters tan lines, it means they have been granted access to an area where the general public or tanning booth has been denied.
2.) Can I spend a night with my girlfriends?- YES, please do. Guys need time away from women. The phrase "can't live with them, but can't live without them" really applies here. Men just need some time to unwind, drink a few frosty bevs and watch some sports with the guys. There is a scene in the movie "You, Me, and Dupree" that illustrates this point. Seth Rogan is pumped for guy's night but once the clock hits midnight he has to go back home to his wife. He asks the recently married Matt Dillon how late he gets to stay out and enjoy being free from his wife and then this exchange ensues.
Seth Rogan- Does my breath smell like beer?
Matt Dillon- Yeah
Seth Rogan- Good, because do you want to know what it doesn't smell like? Weed and cigarettes.
3.) Age- The only age that guys tend to worry about is the one that the law says is illegal. Older women need not fear. If you are attractive, guys really don't care that much. I guess it becomes a little fishy when women hit menopause if a guy wants to procreate, but that's a little too serious for the time being.
I actually have a friend, who as a college senior was hooking up with a high school senior. He was 21 and she was 17. Luckily for him this relationship was all within the bounds of the law (the age of consent in New York is 17 and just 16 in Connecticut). When she came to visit him, everyone's first question after being introduced was naturally, "Where do you go to school?" My friend, the wise man that he is, told everyone that she went to BC. They all thought he meant Boston College, but in reality he meant before college.
4.) Sexual experience- This is another one where most guys usually could care less. As long as they are getting some, they are happy campers; however guys are less inclined to go after the very promiscuous girl, unless they are in a slump or are blacked out. In fact, I once wrote, "You want a girl who knows the ropes, but not like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby who I still do not believe is a female. Too much experience can cost you too though. Leave the Grand Canyon for the sightseers."
5.) Farting- This is where I largely disagree with the article. Guys largely like their women to be ladylike. Breaking wind for women is off limits. In fact, I'm sure you've heard this before, but guys sincerely want to believe that girls don't poop. Now this might sound strange coming from a man who's ability to fart virtually on command has garnered him the nickname "Fartman", but there is just something masculine about anal acoustics. That being said, guys farting in front of girls should almost be off limits as well. It's not classy to flatulate in front of women, but sometimes our gas has a mind of its own and just slips out via a one cheek sneak.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Deep Thoughts with Mad Max
Do homosexual males enjoy the process of excretion?
When my friend Max first posed that question to me I was unsure of the appropriate answer. Gay men (the bottoms anyway) find pleasure in getting long conical shaped objects lodged in their rectal cavities. Wouldn't it seem plausible then to assume that they enjoy your average, everyday Webster's Dictionary style logs of poop sliding through their fudge factories? If that is the case, and again I am not sure that it is, would they then prairie dog those brown bananas to recreate the sexual thrusting experience?
While the physical evidence seems to be steaming like an avalanche, there remains the dark side of dumping that we don't like to talk about. The painful poops, the different colors of chocolate, the monsoon mashes, and the rest. There is no way that any male, no matter if he regularly takes a rod up his tail pipe or not, can liken poop to sexual pleasure. But who am I to decide?
When my friend Max first posed that question to me I was unsure of the appropriate answer. Gay men (the bottoms anyway) find pleasure in getting long conical shaped objects lodged in their rectal cavities. Wouldn't it seem plausible then to assume that they enjoy your average, everyday Webster's Dictionary style logs of poop sliding through their fudge factories? If that is the case, and again I am not sure that it is, would they then prairie dog those brown bananas to recreate the sexual thrusting experience?
While the physical evidence seems to be steaming like an avalanche, there remains the dark side of dumping that we don't like to talk about. The painful poops, the different colors of chocolate, the monsoon mashes, and the rest. There is no way that any male, no matter if he regularly takes a rod up his tail pipe or not, can liken poop to sexual pleasure. But who am I to decide?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
In search of a 'clean up' hitter
So one of our favorite/only emailers sent me this link in an email and titled it "maybe not for the blog, but just for your own peace of mind."
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443892,00.html
He couldn't have been further from the truth. That story, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely what this blog is about.
Which brings me to the offensive display that two friends and I put on this morning. A bathroom in the outskirts of Fairfield, CT was destroyed by a string of gastric torpedos from approximately 10:30 to 11:00 a.m. eastern standard time. Call it what you will, whether it be unleashing tear gas or just simply reducing our blood pressure, this 3 man murderer's row combined to create one of the most rank, putrid, wonderfully unpleasant, smelly, juicy, steamy, and unbearable odors to strike the eastern seaboard in some time. Sure enough a group of 10 females waltzed in literally moments after The Stan Man had put the finishing touches in the recipe of gaseous fury. Obviously no fan, spray, or potpourri could contain the invisible and extremely potent monster. While I have you thinking about the invisibility of some odors, an unnamed cousin and I have thought for a long time that the world would be a much better place if the gases unleashed in farts were actually clouds of green smoke.
It was at this point that I thought that a product that could instantaneously eliminate unwanted olfactory sensations would make loads of money. But after letting the thought of that colossal aroma seep in for a few hours, I have decided that I do not want that product at all.
What I do want, is to find an individual out there who's gastro intestinal capabilities are so powerfully putrid that they could reverse the damage that my friends and I caused. What I really want is for someone to hit 4th in our occasionally liquid lineup. This is not something that any Joe Fart out there can do. I'm looking for a commitment. Baked beans for breakfast, Mexican for lunch, and a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich for dinner. Don't think for a second that just because this is a baseball lineup, so to speak, that juicing is prohibited. Quite frankly, it is encouraged. We need as many gastric juices as we can. Not for nothing, we'd certainly score a lot of runs.
I'll be accepting applications until the end of the year.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,443892,00.html
He couldn't have been further from the truth. That story, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely what this blog is about.
Which brings me to the offensive display that two friends and I put on this morning. A bathroom in the outskirts of Fairfield, CT was destroyed by a string of gastric torpedos from approximately 10:30 to 11:00 a.m. eastern standard time. Call it what you will, whether it be unleashing tear gas or just simply reducing our blood pressure, this 3 man murderer's row combined to create one of the most rank, putrid, wonderfully unpleasant, smelly, juicy, steamy, and unbearable odors to strike the eastern seaboard in some time. Sure enough a group of 10 females waltzed in literally moments after The Stan Man had put the finishing touches in the recipe of gaseous fury. Obviously no fan, spray, or potpourri could contain the invisible and extremely potent monster. While I have you thinking about the invisibility of some odors, an unnamed cousin and I have thought for a long time that the world would be a much better place if the gases unleashed in farts were actually clouds of green smoke.
It was at this point that I thought that a product that could instantaneously eliminate unwanted olfactory sensations would make loads of money. But after letting the thought of that colossal aroma seep in for a few hours, I have decided that I do not want that product at all.
What I do want, is to find an individual out there who's gastro intestinal capabilities are so powerfully putrid that they could reverse the damage that my friends and I caused. What I really want is for someone to hit 4th in our occasionally liquid lineup. This is not something that any Joe Fart out there can do. I'm looking for a commitment. Baked beans for breakfast, Mexican for lunch, and a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich for dinner. Don't think for a second that just because this is a baseball lineup, so to speak, that juicing is prohibited. Quite frankly, it is encouraged. We need as many gastric juices as we can. Not for nothing, we'd certainly score a lot of runs.
I'll be accepting applications until the end of the year.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Hang out with your wang out
http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/news/story?id=3640525
I can't get over the fact that a man named Wang made a scene for having his -wang out, but then again, Wang is probably like Johnson over there.
There can be no greater feeling in sports than winning a gold medal for your country, but that is not justification for urinating in public. Being a man is. Men, how many times have you been drunk and just let your hose spray on a tree, a tire, a building, etc? It's what men do, under certain circumstances.
There is indeed an unwritten, yet generally understood, code of bathroom etiquette among males. It might seem like a feces/urine free for all, but there are actually some governing principles that make the process flow a little bit smoother (I can't stop the innuendo, it just happens). There is a lot to cover and if I leave out any major rules or guidelines, please feel free to add them in.
Rule #1- No peeking. No matter how badly you want to size up your opponent at the adjacent urinal (or the trough, which is pretty much like one of those water gun games at a fair or carnival), you must fight the urge. I must admit that earlier in my career (no I was not sneaking peeks), I simply wasn't ready for the big stage. I would occasionally experience a little gun trouble at a urinal duel and relegate myself to my home away from home- the stall. There's something about seeing the water that helps.
Rule #2- I don't care what pretty boy is washing his hands (I hope everyone does) or checking himself out in the mirror, the sink is fair game. Wasting time waiting in line is for pussies. Obviously this also means that trashcans, etc are up for grabs. In fact, I had one of the best urinary deposits of my excretion career in a trash can at a concert.
Rule #3- This pertains to Mr. Wang most directly and it's that if at any point, you feel like your time could be better served imbibing alcohol/fraternizing with sluts as opposed to waiting in the piss line, than take your business outside. Our anatomy lends itself to leaving our mark wherever we damn well please.
Rule#4- If the guy in the stall next to you is belting out alphabet poop (I'm sure you've heard of people burping the alphabet) or putting on a show louder than a Metallica concert, you must congratulate him on his performance no matter how bad it stunk.
Rule #5- Stall pissers have 20 seconds to get it done before they are asking to get pissed on, where as urinal pissers get 25 seconds. It's kind of like fast money in Family Feud.
Trust me, there are plenty more. For example, Rule#35- No females allowed unless all excretions are sexual fluids. Exceptions for Golden Showers and Blumpkins can be appealed. Actually, Blumpkins are always a go. Again, if you feel as if I have left out something major, do not hesistate.
Now the real problem I have with Wang is his arrogant comment to the security guard. "I am the famous Wang Hao! I am the world champion! Does it matter if I beat you?" Although it's funny, it's also pretty pompous; however using celebrity status has to be awkward. I really feel bad for the fringe celebrities that only get recognized at half the places they go. How uncomfortable would you feel explaining to someone that you deserve special treatment (not waiting in a line at a club, getting a table at a restaurant, etc) because of who you are?
This notion of using one's celebrity status to avoid trouble reminds me of former Providence basketball player Donnie McGrath. Now to be fair, outside of John Linehan, Austin Croshere, and God Shamgod, Providence basketball hasn't been relevant since they made it to the Final Four under Rick Pitino in 1987. You're probably asking yourself, who is Donnie McGrath? Well folks, Donnie McGrath was your typical white point guard from an affluent upbringing that thought that he needed to portray a ghetto lifestyle because he was a basketball player. This trend has become very common in today's culture and has, in fact, run ramped in the Big East. For example, Donnie McGrath was Mike Nardi before Mike Nardi, and Eric Devendorf before Eric Devendorf.
Here's how Donnie attempted to use his 'celebrity' status to get out of trouble.
http://media.www.thecowl.com/media/storage/paper493/news/2004/04/01/Sports/Rough.Week.For.Mens.HoopsAnd.Its.The.Offseason-656934.shtml
"Be cool. You know me." What a piece of trash. Now I am the furthest thing from a women's rights activist, but rule #1 of interacting with the opposite sex (other than drinking an obscene amount of alcohol to avoid awkwardness) is to never, under 99% of possible circumstances, hit/strike them. Now if a female has just killed one of my family members or close friends, that bitch is going to get it. I mean that goes without saying, but outside of that, hitting a girl is out of the question. That being said, I literally can not figure out how girls go back to men that have hit them.
I can't get over the fact that a man named Wang made a scene for having his -wang out, but then again, Wang is probably like Johnson over there.
There can be no greater feeling in sports than winning a gold medal for your country, but that is not justification for urinating in public. Being a man is. Men, how many times have you been drunk and just let your hose spray on a tree, a tire, a building, etc? It's what men do, under certain circumstances.
There is indeed an unwritten, yet generally understood, code of bathroom etiquette among males. It might seem like a feces/urine free for all, but there are actually some governing principles that make the process flow a little bit smoother (I can't stop the innuendo, it just happens). There is a lot to cover and if I leave out any major rules or guidelines, please feel free to add them in.
Rule #1- No peeking. No matter how badly you want to size up your opponent at the adjacent urinal (or the trough, which is pretty much like one of those water gun games at a fair or carnival), you must fight the urge. I must admit that earlier in my career (no I was not sneaking peeks), I simply wasn't ready for the big stage. I would occasionally experience a little gun trouble at a urinal duel and relegate myself to my home away from home- the stall. There's something about seeing the water that helps.
Rule #2- I don't care what pretty boy is washing his hands (I hope everyone does) or checking himself out in the mirror, the sink is fair game. Wasting time waiting in line is for pussies. Obviously this also means that trashcans, etc are up for grabs. In fact, I had one of the best urinary deposits of my excretion career in a trash can at a concert.
Rule #3- This pertains to Mr. Wang most directly and it's that if at any point, you feel like your time could be better served imbibing alcohol/fraternizing with sluts as opposed to waiting in the piss line, than take your business outside. Our anatomy lends itself to leaving our mark wherever we damn well please.
Rule#4- If the guy in the stall next to you is belting out alphabet poop (I'm sure you've heard of people burping the alphabet) or putting on a show louder than a Metallica concert, you must congratulate him on his performance no matter how bad it stunk.
Rule #5- Stall pissers have 20 seconds to get it done before they are asking to get pissed on, where as urinal pissers get 25 seconds. It's kind of like fast money in Family Feud.
Trust me, there are plenty more. For example, Rule#35- No females allowed unless all excretions are sexual fluids. Exceptions for Golden Showers and Blumpkins can be appealed. Actually, Blumpkins are always a go. Again, if you feel as if I have left out something major, do not hesistate.
Now the real problem I have with Wang is his arrogant comment to the security guard. "I am the famous Wang Hao! I am the world champion! Does it matter if I beat you?" Although it's funny, it's also pretty pompous; however using celebrity status has to be awkward. I really feel bad for the fringe celebrities that only get recognized at half the places they go. How uncomfortable would you feel explaining to someone that you deserve special treatment (not waiting in a line at a club, getting a table at a restaurant, etc) because of who you are?
This notion of using one's celebrity status to avoid trouble reminds me of former Providence basketball player Donnie McGrath. Now to be fair, outside of John Linehan, Austin Croshere, and God Shamgod, Providence basketball hasn't been relevant since they made it to the Final Four under Rick Pitino in 1987. You're probably asking yourself, who is Donnie McGrath? Well folks, Donnie McGrath was your typical white point guard from an affluent upbringing that thought that he needed to portray a ghetto lifestyle because he was a basketball player. This trend has become very common in today's culture and has, in fact, run ramped in the Big East. For example, Donnie McGrath was Mike Nardi before Mike Nardi, and Eric Devendorf before Eric Devendorf.
Here's how Donnie attempted to use his 'celebrity' status to get out of trouble.
http://media.www.thecowl.com/media/storage/paper493/news/2004/04/01/Sports/Rough.Week.For.Mens.HoopsAnd.Its.The.Offseason-656934.shtml
"Be cool. You know me." What a piece of trash. Now I am the furthest thing from a women's rights activist, but rule #1 of interacting with the opposite sex (other than drinking an obscene amount of alcohol to avoid awkwardness) is to never, under 99% of possible circumstances, hit/strike them. Now if a female has just killed one of my family members or close friends, that bitch is going to get it. I mean that goes without saying, but outside of that, hitting a girl is out of the question. That being said, I literally can not figure out how girls go back to men that have hit them.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
What can eating brown do for you?
First of, I think the video is very well done, accurate, and funny. Now there was always a question of whether the guy in the commercials was actually drawing and I think that there's a chance that he was, but that doesn't interest me all that much. I have always contended that his erasing was the most impressive and there is no way that he did that on his own. This video demonstrates that point as the guy struggles a little bit with it. Now, of course the video is not entirely accurate because the guy in this video is clearly Asian. First off, I hope no Asian males wear their hair like that. Secondly, is anyone else not surprised that they needed an Asian to perform in this video? Now I'm not saying Asians are good actors because quite frankly I can't think of one good one (Jackie Chan does not count because he does not act), but clearly they are more artistic. Maybe they are forced to really focus on the point of attack because of their limited range of sight?
Thanks to Mark in Boston, MA for the link.
Story of my life
"It's water, straight fucking water."
Poop is the great equalizer. It is one of the very few things that we all have in common yet somehow we, as a society, have branded this bond with disdain. Despite the negative connotation surrounding the process of squeezing some chocolate sauce out, pooping has managed to have a rather successful career in comedy. Everybody loves a good poop story and most people have a few about the old number two. Now I have quite the pooping resume, but this one has got to take the cake as the best one going. I can not get enough of this grown man, a sports icon, readily admitting to pooping his pants twice a year on average.
Thanks to Matt in Bridgeport, CT for the link.
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