Best of the Decade: Comedies

After I unveiled my highly anticipated "Top 10 Movies of the Decade" a few of my loyal readers were taken aback. "Whoa, Stan Man, no comedies?" they said. Well, obviously I already had this post in mind, but it's rare that a comedy cracks a list of best movies. Now yes, sometimes a comedy can also be a very good movie (and potentially worthy of critical acclaim), but in most cases it get's labeled as one or the other soon after it is released.

So onto the list. As a reminder, here is the criteria that went into the decision process.

- Did I enjoy it? Did the movie/song/moment/etc. resonate with me personally?
- Did the people who's opinions really matter like it? Was the movie/song/moment nominated for an Oscar/Grammy/ESPY?
- How much does it typify the decade? In 20-30 years will people think of it when they think of the 00's?

When it comes to comedies, there are no overriding opinions that matter more than say yours or mine. Comedies rarely win or even get nominated for awards, so the second part of my criteria was virtually out the window on this one. Naturally this means that this list may be the most disputed and this is actually something that I anticipate. Comedies are very personal and subjective.


10.) Zoolander (2001)

Whether it was high school or college I was never a fan of student senate. I thought the entire thing was dumb, although my friends and I all attempted to run in 9th or 10th grade, but we were not allowed too. Apparently they gave the entire faculty veto power. If any faculty member didn't approve of someone running they could just disallow it from happening. Now it probably wasn't that cut and dry, but that's what it amounted to. I was also falsely accused of tearing down a girl's campaign signs in 8th grade. Ironically enough, her father is now a county legislator just like mine.

That all being said, during my freshmen year of college an entire slew of kids ran for student senate, perhaps already looking for a way to boost their resumes. A kid on my floor ran and only got about 4 votes, but we still proceeded to call him "Senator Dan" for the rest of the year. I tell you all of this because the only person that I remember voting for was a kid who's last name is Hansel. He put up a bunch of signs around the dorms that said, "That Hansel is so hot right now," and he immediately had my vote.

Voting strictly on a name is something that I still do today. If I don't know anything about the candidates, I usally vote for the person who's name I like the best. Some people vote by party, I vote by name. Someone must have done a study on something like this, right?

Most Memorable Lines:

Derek Zoolander: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think.

Derek Zoolander: If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.

Hansel: I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Hansel: Excuse me, bra.
Derek Zoolander: You're excused, and I'm not your bra!

Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?

Derek Zoolander: There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".

Mugatu: They’re the same face. Doesn’t anyone notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it!

Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, this is just a small...
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!


9.) Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

This off beat, unconventional comedy took the nation by surprise back in 2004. It was such a change of pace that people fell in love with it. I personally enjoyed it when I first saw it, but I question whether or not it has rewatchability. To be honest, I think it was probably just a flash in the pan. There's no doubt that it has cultural relativity (and that's why it made the list), but Jon Heder should seriously think about a new career path because he will never outgrow the character of Napoleon Dynamite. I think I can say that I will never, ever see another movie that he stars in (as a #1 or a #2).

Most Memorable Lines:

Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Rex: Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!

Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody's going to go out with me.
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes... probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out... and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That's a pretty good idea.

Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.


8.) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)


This is the first of 4 films on this list that star Vince Vaughn. I don't think there's any doubt that he's the best comedic actor of the decade, right? What I think is so great about Vince Vaughn is that no matter what role he plays (and there is quite a bit of variance) it always seems like that's exactly how he'd act in real life.

Other Memorable Lines:

Peter La Fleur: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you!

White Goodman: Ball me Blazer.

White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I've never been there, but I read about it... in a book.

White Goodman: Hello, Katherine. Good to see you. I didn't know you were dropping by.
Kate Veatch: You asked me to come over.
White Goodman: Did I?
Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: You caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.
Kate Veatch: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.

White Goodman: So, please, whatever you do, don't think of me as your boss.
Kate Veatch: I don't.
White Goodman: I don't want to get into a formal thing. I'm White, you know.
W-h-i-t…………E.
Kate Veatch: Thanks, Mr Goodman, but I don’t work for you. I'm contracted by the bank. They just assigned me to your account.
White Goodman: Right, well. You work for the bank. The bank works for me, so ipso fact, I'm your boss. Point is, I would love to see your pretty little bone structure around here some more. There's no reason we need to be shackled by the structures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back…..I'm just kidding. ….But seriously, I've got 'em.

Cotton McKnight: Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open brought to you exclusively here on ESPN8- the "Ocho".

Cotton McKnight: Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.

Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.


7.) The Break Up (2006)


This is my darkhorse pick on the list. I think The Break Up was a very underrated movie that people don't talk about enough. Some people think of it as a date movie/romantic comedy, but it's packed with some of Vince Vaughn's best lines. Is Jennifer Aniston funny? No, not really, but she's hot.

Other Memorable Lines:

Gary: What kind of bullshit move was that?
Brooke: I'm sorry, what? What happened?
Gary: Oh don't be coy with me. You sent that animal over here to attack me when I was hung over and weak.
Brooke: Oh no. Look, all I know is The Tone Rangers they needed some place to rehearse so I very clearly told Richard, "Stay in my room," which you explained to me was my space to do with what I want.
Gary: Is that how you want to play it? Cause I'll play it like that. I'll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I'll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we're not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We're talking about Polacks that don't have a goddamn future. That's right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that's what we're going to do.
Brooke: Please, come on. You know what, you're just embarrassed because Richard kicked your ass.
Gary: Richard did not kick my ass. What Richard did was attack me when I was half asleep.
Brooke: Really, is that how you see it?
Gary: There's a really big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you're in a fight. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.

Gary: "Band of Brothers"... you should rent it sometime



6.) Meet the Parents (2000)

The third and final Ben Stiller film on this list was a hit from the get go. Meet the Parents was well received because it's humor applied to just about everyone from the ages of 15-65. What I think the movie was great at was relying on awkwardness to engineer many of the laughs. I believe that this technique, or brand of humor if you will, has been fine tuned and well executed recently by Paul Rudd.

Most Memorable Lines:

Linda: How’s your portfolio?
Greg Focker: I’d say strong…to quite strong.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.
Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

[in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"]
Greg Focker: Who'd have thought it wasn't about a dragon.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Greg Focker: Well some people think that 'to puff the magic dragon' means to... puff... smoke... a marijuana cigarette.
Jack Byrnes: Puff is just the name of the boy's magical dragon... You a pothead, Focker?
Greg Focker: No, I pass on grass always. Well not always.
Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?
Greg Focker: No, um, yes, um...

Greg Focker: Oh, dear God, thank you, you are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God, and we thank You oh sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear Lord three things we pray to love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen.

Greg Focker: Yeah, you can milk anything that has nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples Greg, could you milk me?

Jack Byrnes: We’re getting creamed.
Larry: Well if Florence Nightengale would play a little defense here.
Greg Focker: Larry, I missed one shot.
Larry: It was a big shot!

Jack Byrnes: What the hell's the matter with you? It's only a game, Focker!


5.) Superbad (2007)


Every decade has a comedy about high school seniors that want to prepare themselves for college (usually sexually). The 80's had Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the 90's had American Pie, and the 00's had Superbad. Right now, it's too early to tell if Superbad will stack up with others in terms of cultural relativity, but it was definitely outlandishly funny. If I had to guess, I'd say that the movie doesn't matter as much in the grand scheme of things as the others, but that the character of Fogell is not forgotten (although he will probably best be remembered as McLovin).

Other Memorable Lines:

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.

Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.

Greg: What the fuck Evan we're down two points!
Seth: Fuckin' calm down Greg, it's soccer, it's soccer.
Greg: Fuck you man.
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants?
Greg: That was like 8 years ago, asshole!
Seth: People don't forget!

Seth: You know when you hear girls saying like 'ahh I was so shit faced last night I shouldn't have fucked that guy,' we could be that mistake!

Seth: Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since 'nam.

Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin?
Fogell: Yeah.
Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth: And you landed on McLovin...
Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell: Fuck you.

Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man.

Officer Michaels: How old are you McLovin?
Fogell: Old enough.
Officer Michaels: Old enough for what?
Fogell: To party.

Becca: I'm so wet right now.
Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in health class.


4.) The Hangover (2009)


Don't ask me why, but whenever I watch a movie set in the present day I'm always super critical if things happen that are totally outside the realm of possibility (unless I know going in that the movie is about a superhero/time travel/etc). This movie was so over the top funny that I instantly forgave it for all of the ridiculous things that happened in terms of the plot. For example, if this was any other movie (a bit of a spoiler alert here) the scene where they are released from the police station after getting stunned a few times would have bothered me beyond belief. I also saw this movie a month or two after most of my friends had, so I went in with high expectations and it still delivered. Like most great comedies, this is a film that will get funnier and funnier the more you watch it.

Other Memorable Lines:

Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Listen, we fucked up. We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Alan Garner: Did you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Alan Garner: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like... masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.
Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.

Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em floories.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.


3.) Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2007)


When I first saw a preview for this movie I wasn't all that excited about it. When it came out in theaters I chose to see Beerfest (2007) instead. When I first saw the movie I thought it was funny, but nothing special. Then, as I've mentioned before, it was on DirecTV virtually every day of my senior year of college. My housemates and I watched it countless times and it just kept getting better and better. Eventually I thought I'd get sick of it, but I continued to laugh at new lines each time. The combination of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly is unbelievable, although I wasn't a big fan of Step Brothers (2008).

Other Memorable Lines:

Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, you're last.

Ricky Bobby: Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Jean Girard: My name is Jean Girard and I am a racing-car driver just like you except I am from Formula Un. I am the greatest one in the whole world. I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.
Ricky Bobby: I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Did you eat some peanut butter or something?
Ricky Bobby: Yeah, you sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth
Jean Girard: I think what you are hearing is my accent. I am French.
Ricky Bobby: You say you're French?
Jean Girard: Oui.
Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.
Jean Girard: That's from China.
Ricky Bobby: Pizza.
Jean Girard: Italy.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.
Jean Girard: Mexico.
Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the Ménage à Trois.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.
Ricky Bobby: Hey.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one's pretty cool.
Herschell: Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position... You're welcome.

Jean Girard: Bon. So, what if you just said: "I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?
Kyle: That is a fair compromise.
Herschell: Very fair, actually.
Ricky Bobby: No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crêpes!
Kyle: That's actually a pretty good compromise right there.
Jean Girard: Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?
Ricky Bobby: You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom. So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell! You hear me?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [leans down to talk to Ricky in a low voice] Hey. This is just between you and me, okay? I mean, forget all these other guys. But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.
Ricky Bobby: [whispering] What do you think?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Don't say it.
Ricky Bobby: Yeah. I'm not gonna say it. Nope. Break it, Pepé Le Pew!
Jean Girard: As you wish.
[He breaks Ricky's arm]
Ricky Bobby: [in pain] He actually did it!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Jean Girard: What?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!

Ricky Bobby: I play for keeps. I play for keeps!


2.) Old School (2003)

Of all the movie lines from the decade, I think the one that I've said the most is, "Great talk. See you out there," and that has to count for something. This film is great because Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell share the spotlight well (even though Luke Wilson is the main character), we get a nice look at Kim Bauer, and Ellen Pompeo is sneaky hot to a lesser degree.

Most Memorable Lines:

Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.
Frank: I love you dad.

Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.

Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?
Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
Beanie: Who's this guy?
Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?
Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.
Beanie: Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.
Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.
Jerry: I go to school here...
Beanie: Ok?

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Frank: Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Marissa: That's really, loud.
Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

Peppers: You should pull that out.
Frank: Wait, pull what out?
Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.
Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.

Mark: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there


1.) Wedding Crashers (2005)


This movie is the total package. It literally has it all. Quotable, relatable comedy by some of the best comedic actors of the decade. A romantic subplot that most guys thoroughly enjoy (myself included). A cameo for the ages by Will Ferrell. And outstanding supporting performances by Christopher Walken, Bradley Cooper, and Isla Fisher.

This movie is so good that if I didn't construct this list of the Best Comedies of the Decade, it surely would have found itself on my Best Movies of the Decade list.

Other Memorable Lines:

Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you.
Jeremy Grey: Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

John Beckwith: You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!

Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

John Beckwith: I'd like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what"? What a great friend. John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!

John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

Flip: Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!

Sack Lodge: Trapster, it's Sack.
Trapster: Sackmaster. How was the wedding?
Sack Lodge: Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental
group, remember them?
Trapster: No way! Did you tap that again?
Sack Lodge: Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Trapster: Damn! Sluts!
Sack Lodge: Do you remember that private detective we used to set up that fucking Shearson Lehman prick?
Trapster: The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?

John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!

Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

Jeremy Grey: She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it! It turns me on.

Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!

Sack: Did you check out the rack on that bartender?
Trapster: Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.
Sack Lodge: Oh my God, yeah, she will. You're right.


Honorable Mention- What Happens in Vegas (2008)


This movie is certainly not worthy of a spot in the Top 10 Comedies of the Decade, but it is one that I think you should all see. I've been touting this film ever since I first saw it 11 months ago and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Although I hate to use the term because we've all virtually killed it thanks to online communication, this film is laugh out loud funny and Rob Corddry (Hater) is the main reason why. Now, of course, there's an accompanying love story that has a few cheesy lines, but it's worth it. Plus, Cameron Diaz and Lake Bell are both smoking hot. Also, I believe I've said this before, but I'll say it again, this film actually made me like Ashton Kutcher.

Other Memorable Lines:

Jack Fuller: Where's the one place where you can step up and be a man?
Hater: Community college?

Hater: Did I invent hip-hop? No, but I was there.

Hater: This is my lesbian sister. Tell them about your softball team, tell them about your team.

Judge R. D. Whopper: Listen, I've been married for twenty five years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman. And granted there are days when I want to light her on fire but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal. And you know something, I might be old fashioned, but when I said those vows I meant them.

Hater: Lavender, you get on my head.

Hater: I'm the law, bitches!

Dave the Bear: Do you even know how to drive an automatic?

Hater: Go get your future ex-ex-wife.

Best of the rest

'00- Road Trip, Me, Myself, and Irene
'01- Saving Silverman, Not Another Teen Movie, Super Troopers
'02- Van Wilder, Austin Powers in Goldmember
'04- Team America: World Police, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
'05- The 40-Year Old Virgin
'06- You, Me, and Dupree, Grandma's Boy
'07- Knocked Up, Beerfest
'08- Tropic Thunder, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
'09- I Love You, Man

Top Ten Supporting Performances

Hollywood, like Sports, is driven by the big names. The biggest names are what attract people to the theater, or to the arena, but sometimes it's the lesser known actors, or athletes that steal the spotlight. Just like sometimes Michael Jordan passed to Steve Kerr or John Paxson for the game-winning shot, sometimes the lead actors (Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, etc.) aren't the ones that shine the brightest in films. As many of you know, I am on a personal quest to see every movie that's received an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture in my lifetime. With that in mind, I present the top 10 Oscar nominated supporting performances since 1986 (5 of the 10 came away winners). What can I say? I'm all chalk.

10.) Dennis Hopper as Shooter in Hoosiers (1986)




Hoosiers is a classic sports movie about a small town Indiana high school basketball team's journey to the state title. Hopper's character Shooter, the town drunk, is offered the assistant coaching job, but must sober up first. He holds things together for a while, but his old drinking ways resurface and he stumbles into a gym and onto the court to yell at a referee. Shortly after this escapade he is found passed out and drunk in the middle of the woods. He spends the rest of the movie rehabilitating in a hospital, but it appears that he has finally turned the corner.

Memorable lines:

Shooter: Alright, boys, this is the last shot we got. We're gonna run the picket fence at 'em.

Shooter: I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented.

Shooter(drunk): You're out of position to make the call!



9.) Marissa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny (1992)



Well in order to appease my female readership, I figured I'd throw in a token female supporting performance. Tomei won an Academy Award for this role as the fiance of a wanna-be lawyer. Vito's brash New York attitude comes to life in a number of arguments that she has with her fiance, Vincent Gambini, played by Joe Pesci. Vito ends up being the key witness in the case because of her knowledge of the auto industry.

Memorable lines:

Mona Lisa Vito: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now I ask ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

Mona Lisa Vito: I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.
Vinny Gambini: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa Vito: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.


8.) Mark Wahlberg as Sergeant Dignam in The Departed (2006)



Wahlberg would be higher (actually I guess I mean lower) on this list, but it could be argued that Alec Baldwin's role as Ellerby was the better supporting performance. Either way, Wahlberg was in his element with this character. Dignam is a foul mouthed Boston guy with a chip on his shoulder. His heated exchanges with both Matt Damon's character and Leonardo Dicaprio's character were poignant moments in the film.

Memorable lines:

Dignam: I'm the guy that does my job. You must be the other guy.

Dignam: You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? One kid with your old man. One kid with your mother. Upper middle class in the week, and then dropping your 'r's and hanging in the Southie projects with daddy the donkey on the weekends. I got that right? You have different accents? You did, didn't you.

Dignam: Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they're like mushrooms. Feed 'em shit and keep in the dark. You girls have a nice day.

Colin Sullivan: A problem?
Dignam: Yeah, I run rat rucks like you. I don't like them.
Colin Sullian: The day you wouldn't take a promotion, you let me know. And I wouldn't even have a job if you did yours.
Dignam: Fuck yourself.
Colin Sullivan: I need to know the identity of your undercovers.
Dignam: Blow me. Not literally, there's no promotion in it for ya.


7.) Christopher Walken as Frank Abagnale Sr. in Catch Me If You Can (2002)



Walken is the ultimate supporting actor. The thought of him playing a lead role is hard to even fathom. In this film, Walken plays the father of a high profile con man (played by Leonardo Dicaprio). Walken's character never stops trying to instill life lessons in his son, even when he knows there's no changing his fraudulent ways.

Memorable line:



6.) Joe Pesci as Tommy Devito in Goodfellas (1990)




Pesci won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of the hot-headed gangster Tommy DeVito. Throughout the course of the film, DeVito becomes a psychotic murderer who acts on impulse and deals with the consequences later. His violent and explosive temper get him into trouble, but wouldn't you know that this personality type seems to bring out the best in Pesci.


Memorable lines:





5.) Edward Norton as Aaron Stampler in Primal Fear (1996)



Norton plays an altar boy accused of brutally murdering a high ranking Catholic Priest. His fate seems sealed until Richard Gere, who plays a hot shot lawyer, swoops in to defend the stuttering young Aaron. Gere later finds out that Aaron has a split personality. His alter ego is the highly aggressive Roy. The ending contains a nice twist and I don't want to ruin it for those of you that haven't seen it. Just know that this role was Norton's coming out party because of how he handled the two polar opposite personalities.

Memorable line: (Spoiler Alert)

Well, good for you, Marty. I was gonna let it go. You were looking so happy just now. I was thinking...To tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it. 'Cause I have been dying to tell you. I just didn't know who you'd wanna hear it from. Aaron or Roy, Roy or Aaron. Well, I'll let you in on a client- attorney-privilege type of secret. It don't matter who you hear it from. It's the same story. I j-j-just...had to kill Linda, Mr Vail. That cunt just got what she deserved. But...cutting up that son of a bitch Rushman......that was just a fucking work of art.

4.) Kevin Spacey as Roger "Verbal" Kint in The Usual Suspects (1995)



Spacey won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor, but he was basically the lead. In the film, he plays a crippled criminal who is in a police station recounting his memories after a bloody heist of a ship's cargo. His character has immunity so a little bit of a cat and mouse game arises between he and the police investigator (played by Chazz Palminteri, who is best known for his role as Sonny in A Bronx Tale). Spacey's character seems to be very forthright with what he knows, but the police investigator has a feeling that he is withholding something. He can't quite put it all together, but must before time runs out.

Memorable Line:

Verbal: Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone.


3.) Cuba Gooding Jr. as Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire (1996)



First things first, who knew that Tidwell was just Anquan Boldin before Anquan Boldin? Same team. Same position. Same type of player. Both looking for a big contract. The similarities are startling.

In the film, Gooding Jr. plays a star wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals that wants his agent Jerry Maguire, played by Tom Cruise, to get him the big time contract that he thinks he deserves. In fact, his most famous line is of course, "Show me the money." As the movie progresses we learn that there is actually a genuine person behind the animated receiver. Tidwell, ego aside, ends up teaching Maguire a lot about loyalty, friendship, and family. Gooding Jr's. performance was recognized with the Oscar in 1997.


Memorable lines:

Rod Tidwell: I am a valuable commodity! I go across the middle! I see a dude coming at me, trying to kill me, I tell myself "Get killed. Catch the ball!' BOO YA! Touchdown! I make miracles happen!

Rod Tidwell: You're hanging by a very thin thread, dude. And I dig that about you.

Rod Tidwell: See, man, that's the difference between us. You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking!


2.) Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight (2008)




As we all know, this role won Ledger the Oscar, but it also cost him his life. He was outstanding as The Joker. He literally stole the movie. His personality, mannerisms, and downright lunacy had me rooting for him instead of the bland and uninspiring Christian Bale Batman. It's truly a tragedy to think that ramped drug use heavily influenced this prolific performance, but then took the life of the actor shortly thereafter.

Memorable lines:

The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever

The Joker: Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

The Joker: It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push.


1.) Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan R. Jessep in A Few Good Men (1992)



The fact that Nicholson didn't win the Academy Award back in 1993 is an absolute travesty (Gene Hackman won for his performance in Unforgiven). The role of Jessep, an arrogant Army Colonel, was perfect for Nicholson. When I see him sitting court side at Laker games, I imagine that his off screen personality is just like that of Colonel Nathan R. Jessep's. There's been some great court room moments in the history of film, but I don't think any are as powerful as when Jessep takes the stand. In fact, I would argue that is one of the best scenes of all time. Whenever I catch this movie, and especially this scene, on television I get sucked in and watch it until the end.


Memorable Lines:






Because that list was rather uninspired (all of them were Oscar nominated), I'll also throw out a few more great supporting performances. Clive Owen in Inside Man (2006), Will Ferrel in Wedding Crashers (2005), Gene Hackman in Enemy of the State (1998), Rob Corddry in What Happens in Vegas (2008), Willem Dafoe in Platoon (1985) and Brad Pitt in Fight Club (1999).

Feel free to let me know if you think of any others.

Great Feats in (Hockey?) Broadcasting

There's no denying that hockey is irrelevant. For example, I'd be hard pressed to find five people that knew that today was the NHL's trade deadline. Granted, I also might be hard pressed to find five people that read this blog on a consistent basis. As far from the public's consciousness as hockey is, one man is doing his best to bring it back. Randy Moller, the radio play-by-play voice of the Florida Panthers has infused his goal calls with pop culture lines in an attempt to broaden his audience. While I applaud his efforts, I also realize that trying to get people in the state of Florida to care about hockey is next to impossible. I'm convinced that 60% of the Tampa Bay/St. Petersburg population is oblivious to the fact that the Lightning won Lord Stanley's Cup in 2004. My job requires me to listen to a host of play-by-play announcers every night and I can assure you that no one, outside of Gus Johnson, come close to being as eccentric or real world savvy as Moller.



While the video does a good job of indicating his references. Let's go a little bit more in depth.

Call #1 "LA face with an Oakland booty."- From Sir-Mix-a-Lot's (1993) Grammy winning hit "Baby Got Back"


(From the 1:23 to 1:38 mark)

Call #2 "Ma, the meatloaf!"- from Wedding Crashers (2005)



Call #3 "Make me a bicycle clown!"- also from Wedding Crashers (2005)



Call #4 "You did the motorboat, didn't you?"- Moller completes the Wedding Crashers (2005) trifecta with this one.



Call #5 "Oh, good for you"- from American Psycho (2000).



Call #6 "Pay that man his money"-said by John Malkovich in his greatest role ever, as Teddy KGB in Rounders (1998).



Call #7 "Pour Some Sugar on Me"- The British rock band Def Leppard's signature song, off of their 1987 album Hysteria. It is still one of the top bar songs in America today. Also, true of false, I bought Def Leppard's greatest hits album a few weeks ago?



Call #8 "There's a new sheriff in town and his name is Reggie Hammond"- from the movie 48 Hrs. (1982), featuring Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, as Reggie Hammond.



Call #9 "Run Forest, Run"- from the Academy Award winning film Forrest Gump (1994).

Call #10 "She Blinded Me with Science"- the title of British singer Thomas Dolby's 1982 song.



Call #11 "Wocka Wocka"- it's the catch phrase of the muppet Fozzie Bear



Call #12 "We've landed on the moon!"- said by Jim Carey's character Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber (1994)



Call #13 "What's in the box?"- from the movie Se7en (1995) featuring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Spacey.



Call #14 "Who's your daddy and what does he do?"- from Kindergarten Cop (1990), starring the current Governor of California. This video has some a bunch of vintage Schwarzenegger lines. This particular line occurs from the 3:06 to 3:09 mark.



Call #15 "You're my boy blue"- This line was famously uttered by Will Ferrel's character Frank Ricard in Old School (2003). This video was surprisingly hard to find. My apologies for the poor quality.


1:05 to 1:06 mark

Call #16 "Skyrockets in flight. Afternoon delight"- made famous in Anchorman (2004).




Call #17 "We're gonna need a bigger boat"- from Steven Spielberg's classic thriller Jaws (1975)



Call #18 "I'm never gonna dance again"- is a song by George Michael.




Call #19 "Come with me if you wan't to live" (0:20 to 0:23 second mark)- another famous Schwarzenegger line. This one is from Terminator 2 (1991).

Call #20 "Get off my lawn"- from the Clint Eastwood film Gran Torino (2008).


(1:14 to 1:18 mark)

Call #21 "And I draw ding dongs on people"- I wouldn't classify this one as coming from the world of pop culture. This is just something that Moller heard a local comedian say on the radio while impersonating Tracy Morgan.

Call #22 "I go to work like a doctor"- is a rap song from 1989 by the artist Kool Moe Dee



And finally

Call #23 "I'm a lead farmer"- was said by Robert Downey Jr.'s character Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder (2008), a role that he earned him an Academy Award nomination for Best Performance by an actor in a supporting role.













Thanks to Justin in Levittown, NY for the link.

The three chicks I'd marry tomorrow

How many times have you been watching a movie and just completely fallen for one of the characters? Please don't act like you are free from this affliction. Female movie characters are so idealized because in more cases than not, only the best aspects of their personalities are portrayed. Most of us guys know that deep down, every woman has a crazy, psychotic bitch in them that usually comes out (well aside from the obvious once a month) right before a big trip, whenever cleaning is involved, and when you least expect it. The female movie characters that we fall in love with are not real because, well for starters, they are all gorgeous Hollywood celebrities. Women this attractive and this cool cease to exist in the real world, but somehow, because of how they are presented in movies, we still have hope that they do.

Which brings us to the top 3 female movie characters that I have fallen head over heels for. No real surprise here, but two of them are from bonafide chick flicks.

1.) Andie Anderson (played by Kate Hudson) in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)



I mean, if that dress doesn't say it all, then I don't know what does. Normally guys aren't overly impressed by a dress because if a girl is good looking then she's usually going to look good in a dress. The first time I saw this movie (yes that implies that I've seen it more than once) I was completely blown away. Andie Anderson is the total package, which of course means that she could get my entire package all day every day. Obviously I dig that she's a writer, goes to Knick's games, and did I mention that she's a smokeshow? She's so hot that she does all of these annoying things throughout the movie and it doesn't even matter. She's so hot that she made a guy's name hot.

I do have one gripe, but it's not with Andie, or the movie for that matter. It's just that in the movie they sing their own version of the song "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon. Now the lyrics, "You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you. Don't you? You're so vain," are repeated throughout the song. Everytime I hear the song, I want to say- Hey Carly, by addressing this unnamed man as 'You', you have made the song about him, yet somehow you are calling him vain for thinking (accurately mind you) that... it is about him.

2.) Claire Cleary (played by Rachel McAdams) in Wedding Crashers (2005)



Now this movie is most known for its humor and everytime I watch it I pick up on yet another line that your average college aged kid uses in regular conversation. It's literally a gold mine. While the humor was the initial draw, everytime that I have seen it since, I have been all about the love. It's sweet, sappy, and corny (ironically all words I could use to describe poop), but this scene gets me every time.



Claire is literally everything a guy could want. She's quick on her feet, funny, pretty (phenomenal smile), smart, has Christopher Walken as her father, and loves to play the slaps game. Girls, please take notice that she is rather pale- yet still widely adored. You don't have to tan 8 times a week to impress men.

3.) April Hoffman (played by Isla Fisher) in Definitely, Maybe (2008)



Yes, she's the girl that Vince Vaughn marries in Wedding Crashers, but in this movie she plays one of Ryan Reynolds' love interests. Because I'll assume that most of you haven't seen it, here's the trailer (no way I would ever embed that) . I saw it with my sisters on Thanksgiving. It has chick flick written all over it. It even has a textbook chick flick title. It fits in perfectly with Love Actually, Serendipity, and P.S. I Love You. But in my defense, everything is closed on Thanksgiving and I think Ryan Reynolds is hysterical. Speaking of Ryan Reynolds, here is a bonus chick from a movie that I'm in love with. Tara Reid in Van Wilder.



Okay, so now that my heterosexuality is semi-restored, back to April. She's a smoking hot red head that plays a girl that pretends to be bad ass, but deep down is a complete softy. I think I might actually be more into the actress herself because in every movie I have seen she has spoken without her natural voice. She was raised in Australia and has an English accent and pretty much any accent is hot.

If I had to pick one of the three, I think I'd have to go with Claire (McAdams).



I don't know what's going on with me lately. I'm writing about Ben Affleck and chick flicks. Somebody better send me an article about red meat and beer pronto.