Leading Role: Christian Bale

Although 1.) he's a bit of a hot head and 2.) he's never been nominated for a major acting award (Golden Globe/Academy Award) until now, Christian Bale has had one hell of a career. He's never in the elite actor conversation, but his resume is starting to stack up.

Normally I put a Leading Role together when I don't have any other blog ideas (is it possible that I only did 2 in 2010?), but after seeing Christian Bale's performance in The Fighter it seemed necessary (the idea was actually suggested by my man Gens, a loyal reader and friend of the blog). If you haven't seen The Fighter yet you're wasting your time reading this. Head to the theater. Christian Bale is almost certainly going to win the Golden Globe and Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. More on this later.

It's time to decide which of Bale's roles was his finest. In case you've forgotten, Leading Role works like this. Let's say that Christian Bale flips out on the set of his next movie (and clearly this wouldn't be out of the ordinary) and decides to walk away from acting all together (a la Joaquin Phoenix). Which of his previous roles would then be considered his magnum opus? Which would he be most closely associated with? For Bale, I think it really comes down to just two choices, but here are four nominees.


1.) Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (2000)



In this film Bale plays a yuppie investment banker who's obsessed with his outward image. He stresses over the font on his business card and which restaurants he can secure reservations at. The stress of maintaining this upscale persona eventually drives him into a psychopathic rage.

Most Memorable Lines:

Patrick Bateman: I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

Patrick Bateman: I have to return some videotapes.

Patrick Bateman: Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.

Patrick Bateman: Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

Patrick Bateman: I want you to clean your vagina.

Patrick Bateman: You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.

Patrick Bateman: I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Patrick Bateman: There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

Patrick Bateman: Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.

Synopsis: I associate Bale with this role so much that everytime I type Bale I almost type Bateman instead. Patrick Bateman has become something of a cult hero among Americans in their 20's and 30's. I guess they can relate to the inner monologues and strange desire to murder annoying co-workers. Either way this self obsessed, neurotic, fantastical behavior seems very becoming of Bale and for that I think this is one of the two roles that he will be remembered for.


2.) Alfred Borden in The Prestige (2006)



In this film Bale plays a rival magician opposite Hugh Jackman living and performing in London in the late 1800's. The ability of Bale's character to perform a crowd attracting illusion drives Jackman's character mad trying to figure out the secret behind it.

Most Memorable Lines:

Alfred Borden: The secret impresses no one. The trick you use it for is everything.

Alfred Borden: Never show anyone. They'll beg you and they'll flatter you for the secret, but as soon as you give it up... you'll be nothing to them.

Alfred Borden: You went half way around the world... you spent a fortune... you did terrible things... really terrible things Robert, and all for nothing.

Synopsis: I don't think this was so much a great role for Bale as it was a great movie. I usually strongly dislike movies that aren't set in the present day (or close to it), but this film bucked that trend. Bale's character is central to the plot of the movie, although Jackman's is the protaganist, but the role doesn't exactly call for extraordinary acting ability. I can easily see people forgetting that it was Bale that played opposite of Jackman in this film and for that reason I can't proclaim this as his finest role.


3.) Bruce Wayne/Batman in The Dark Knight (2008)



In this film, one of my top ten of the past decade, Bale plays the billionaire industrialist and philanthropist Bruce Wayne as well as his alter ego, Batman (although Bale was surprisingly not credited for the role of Batman).

Most Memorable Lines:

Harvey Dent: The famous Bruce Wayne. Rachel's told me everything about you.
Bruce Wayne: I certainly hope not.

Alfred Pennyworth: I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your accomplice...
Bruce Wayne: Accomplice? I'm going to tell them the whole thing was your idea.

The Joker: Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.
Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.
The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.
Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.
The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.
Batman: What did you do?
The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!

Batman: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I'm not a hero, like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be
Lt. James Gordon: No, you can't! You're not!
Batman: I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be.
Lt. James Gordon: They'll hunt you.
Batman: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen.
Batman: Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Batman: Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded...

Synopsis: Not only did Heath Ledger's Joker steal the show, but there isn't too much to the character of Bruce Wayne. He's an arrogant rich guy who flaunts his wealth. Plus Batman's morality is demonstrated more through his actions than his words. In this instance Bale's character is outshadowed by the film's greatness, which isn't exactly the worst thing in the world.


4.) Dicky Eklund in The Fighter (2010)



Bale plays Dicky Eklund, former professional boxer turned crack addict who serves as the trainer for his younger brother Mickey, who is an up and coming boxer himself.

Most Memorable Lines:

Dicky Eklund: This is my younger brother. Taught him everything he knows.

Dicky Eklund: Head, body, head.

Dicky Eklund: Mickey has a chance to do something that I never did and he needs me.

Dicky Eklund: This is your time. I had my turn and I blew it. You don’t have to.

Synopsis: Not only did I not want to ruin the movie for those of you that haven't seen it, but there are 4-5 other memorable quotes that I couldn't remember verbatim and couldn't find online. That said, Bale really got into character for this role. He lost an absurd amount of weight (something he's done before for The Machinist), nailed the mannerisms of Eklund- they show the real Eklund as the credits role, and had a better Boston accent than Mark Wahlberg. This is the first role of Bale's that has received critical acclaim and I think that he's the sure fire Oscar winner. It only makes sense then that this is the role he would be most remembered for.


My apologies to Bale's roles in Reign of Fire (2002), The Machinist (2004), 3:10 to Yuma (2007), and Public Enemies (2009) as I have not seen the films, but I highly doubt that any of them were as memorable as his work in American Psycho and The Fighter.

Leading Role: Leonardo DiCaprio

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Leading Role: Kate Winslet

I don't think there's really much debate. The six-time Academy Award nominee (one win- The Reader (2008)) is currently the best actress in Hollywood. If there was an acting Hall of Fame (and there should be) Winslet would be in on the first ballot. Her body of work, especially her versatility in terms of the characters that she plays, is simply incredible. There is no typecasting her. In that respect, (keeping the sports analogy going) she is like a five tool baseball player.

While there is no doubting the acting ability of Hollywood's number one leading lady, I must say that I do question her looks. I almost included her in my recent Hot or Not post, but I think the overwhelming majority would have leaned towards not. Now that isn't to say that she isn't an attractive woman. She certainly has her moments and is more of the elegant beauty type, but hot would not be a word to describe her. She's just a little thick (maybe too negative of a connotation, but I think you get my point) and apparently she has huge feet (size 11). That all being said, she certainly isn't shy about baring it all. In fact, she appears naked in Titanic, Little Children (if memory serves), and The Reader and had this to say about doing nude scenes back in 2002, "I like exposing myself. There's not an awful lot that embarrasses me. I'm the kind of actress that absolutely believes in exposing myself."

Perhaps my favorite part about Winslet is her friendship with Leonardo DiCaprio. I can't even think of a comparison for this friendship. Winslet, like I said, is hands down the best actress going right now and Leo is arguably the best actor. In fact, I was recently asked my top five actors and I responded with Denzel, DiCaprio, Penn, Phillip Seymour-Hoffman, and Matt Damon (Clooney is probably six and Tom Hanks and Daniel Dey Lewis are both still awesome, but they are past their prime). Anyway, as I'm sure you well know, Winslet and DiCaprio burst onto the scene together in James Cameron's Titanic back in 1997. Apparently the two have remained close ever since. They are so close, in fact, that Winslet's two children refer to DiCaprio as Uncle Leo (HELLO).

Okay, so now it's time to decide which of Winslet's roles is her finest. By now you should know the drill, but if you don't here it is. Let's assume that Winslet decides to pull a Joaquin Phoenix and walk away from acting. If that were to happen, which of her roles would be considered her best? Which role would be the one where she put it all together? Which role would she most be remembered for (I fear that this one is already decided no matter what she does for the rest of her career)?

The nominees are.....

1.) Rose in Titanic (1997)



In this incredibly long and anticlimactic film, Winslet plays a young socialite aboard the ill-fated ship who meets and falls in love with a lower class boy (DiCaprio) over the course of a few chance encounters.

Most Memorable Lines:

Jack: This is crazy.
Rose: I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's why I trust it.

Molly Brown: Hey, uh, who thought of the name Titanic? Was it you, Bruce?
Ismay: Yes, actually. I wanted to convey sheer size, and size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength.
Rose: Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay? His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you.

Rose: I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing.
Jack: He does landscapes.

Ruth: You're not to see that boy again. Do you understand me? Rose, I forbid it.
Rose: Oh stop it, mother. You'll give yourself a nose bleed.

Synopsis: This role notched Winslet her second Academy Award nomination (the youngest to do so) and really put her on the map. It's probably the role that she is most known for because until yesterday Titanic was the highest grossing film of all time, but I don't think it's her best performance.

Fun fact- I had not seen Titanic in its entirety until June of 2008.


2.) Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)



In this film Winslet plays a carefree, commitment shy girl who dyes her hair and undergoes a procedure to erase her ex-boyfriend (played by Jim Carrey) from her memory after their relationship goes south.

Most Memorable Lines:

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

Clementine: Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.

Synopsis: Of all of her roles Winslet has said that this one is her favorite. It earned her an Oscar nomination and showcased her versatility as an actress. Clementine is a fucked up girl whose need to be independent pushes her away from those that get close to her and Winslet nailed it. Not only is Eternal Sunshine wildly underrated as a movie, but so too is Winslet's portrayal of Clementine in it.


3.) Sylvia in Finding Neverland (2004)



In this film Winslet plays the widowed mother of three boys who begin spending a significant amount of time with J.M. Barrie (played by Johnny Depp) even though society condemns him for it (because he's married). Her character (Sylvia) develops a fatal disease, but she enjoys Barrie's relationship with her and her boys until she passes away.

Most Memorable Lines:

J.M. Barrie: They can see it, you know. You can't go on just pretending.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: Just pretending? You brought pretending into this family, James. You showed us we can change things by simply believing them to be different.
J.M. Barrie: A lot of things, Sylvia. Not everything.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: But the things that matter. We've pretended for some time now that you're a part of this family, haven't we? You've come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn't matter if it's true. And even if it isn't true, even if that can never be... I need to go on pretending... until the end... with you.

J.M. Barrie: I think it was the first time she ever actually looked at me, and that was the end of the boy James. I used to say to myself he'd gone to Neverland.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: Where?
J.M. Barrie: Neverland. It's a wonderful place... I've not spoken about this before to anyone- ever.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: What's it like, Neverland?
J.M. Barrie: One day I'll take you there.

Synopsis: I think it's safe to say that this isn't her best role, but it might be the best movie that she's been in (and she's been in some very good movies). The movie is driven by J.M. Barrie's relationship with the kids. Syliva just so happens to be their mother.


4.) Hanna Schmitz in The Reader (2008)



In this post WWII film (of course Ralph Fiennes is in it) Winslet plays a German woman who has an affair with a young boy (highschool age). Years later, she is on trial for her involvement as a guard in a Nazi concentration camp and the now older boy can't make sense of it.

Most Memorable Line:

Hanna Schmitz: It doesn't matter what I feel. It doesn't matter what I think. The dead are still dead.

Synopsis: It's hard to believe that this is the role that finally won her the Academy Award for Best Actress, but I think it's safe to say that the award was long overdue. Winslet definitely delivers in a naive, confused, yet oddly desirous and quietly thankful sort of way (if you've seen the movie that should make sense), but I thought she was much better in the next film.


5.) April Wheeler in Revolutionary Road (2008)



In this film Winslet plays a housewife living in Connecticut in the 1950's who suddenly isn't satisfied with the suburban life that she thought she wanted.

Most Memorable Lines:

April Wheeler: So now I'm crazy because I don't love you, right? Is that the point?
Frank Wheeler: No! Wrong! You're not crazy, and you do love me. That's the point, April.
April Wheeler: But I don't. I hate you. You were just some boy who made me laugh at a party once, and now I loathe the sight of you. In fact, if you come any closer, if you touch me or anything, I think I'll scream.

April Wheeler: Look at us. We're just like everyone else. We've bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. This idea that you have to settle down and resign from life.

April Wheeler: Tell me the truth, Frank, remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank, they just get better at lying.

Synopsis: I am still flabergasted as to how this movie, and Winslet's subsequent role in it, got punked by the Academy. Winslet won the Golden Globe for Best Actress for this role, yet she wasn't nominated in the same category at the Oscars? Winslet is off the charts good in this film. She captures the volatility of a housewife yearning for more in an explosive way. As April Wheeler she is both equally rational and irrational and content and discontent. I've said before that when I first saw this movie I felt as if Winslet and DiCaprio were going back and forth trying to out act (steal the show) from each other. That being said, I think Winslet, hands down, came out on top. To me this is her opus magnum. The only problem is that she didn't get enough recognition from the big boy critics for the masses to take notice.



My apologies to Winslet's other great roles in Sense and Sensibility (1995), Iris (2002) and The Life of David Gale (2003) because I have not yet seen them, although let the record show that The Life of David Gale is in my Netflix queue.

Leading Role: Denzel Washington

I've said it about 1000 times, but I will say it again. The best two actors of our generation are Leonardo DiCaprio and Denzel Washington. If I had to rate all the actors in Hollywood those two would be 1 and 1a. DiCaprio is awesome because of his versatility and the fact that he's slamming arguably the hottest chick on the planet. Denzel is great because he's transcended crime dramas from both sides of the coin. In fact, he's so good that I root for him even if he plays the criminal (American Gangster (2008)).

That being said, which Denzel role is his finest? He's won two Oscars. One for Best Supporting Actor for his role in the Civil War drama Glory (1989) and one for Best Actor for his role in Training Day (2001), which I'll cover momentarily. The real question here though is what movie do you immediately think of when you see Denzel? If he were to retire from acting today, which movie role would he be most remembered for?

To better gauge your response, here are the nominees:


1.) Gray Grantham in The Pelican Brief (1993)



This is probably the best Denzel movie out there that most of you haven't heard of. In the film, which is based on a novel by John Grisham, Denzel plays an investigative journalist who catches wind of law student's theory about why 2 U.S. Supreme Court Justices were murdered. As he and the law student, played by Julia Roberts, uncover more pieces to the puzzle their lives become increasingly more in danger.

Most Memorable Lines:

Darby Shaw: Everyone I have told about the brief is dead.
Gray Grantham: I’ll take my chances.

Justice Rosenberg: Any of those signs got my name on 'em?
Gray Grantham: Quite a few.
Justice Rosenberg: What do they say?
Gray Grantham: The usual: Death to Rosenberg, Retire Rosenberg, Cut off the oxygen.
Justice Rosenberg: [laughs] That's my favorite. Of course you, Mr Grantham, did pretty good by me your last time out: Rosenberg equals the government over business, the individual over government, the environment over everything. And the Indians? Oh, give 'em whatever they want.
Gray Grantham: Well with all due respects sir, that wasn't my line, that was a quote.

Edwin Newman: Where is Darby Shaw?
Gray Grantham: I think that's also a question for Darby Shaw, but I know that she's not available to answer questions as long as this "feed frenzy" continues.
Edwin Newman: Does that mean that you don't know where she is?
Gray Grantham: No I didn't say that.
Edwin Newman: Then you do know...
Gray Grantham: [laughs]
Edwin Newman: I, I take it this cryptic smile means you'll not answer...
Gray Grantham: [smirking uncontrollably]
Edwin Newman: Okay Gray, you know that in view of all this, you know that there's a lot of speculation that this woman is a figment of your imagination. That you created her, from a lot of different sources. Just as there are people who believe there was no Deep Throat, there are those who believe that there is no Darby Shaw. In other words, she's just too good to be true.
Gray Grantham: She almost is.

Synopsis: This role probably isn't Denzel's finest, but it definitely solidified his status as a leading man in Hollywood. This film is the first time that we see Denzel's extraordinary ability to excel in crime related dramas/thrillers.


2.) Jake Shuttlesworth in He Got Game (1998)



In this Spike Lee joint, Denzel plays the convict father of the best high school basketball player in the country (Ray Allen). The governor lets him out of prison for one week in the hopes that he can convince his son to attend my favorite fictitious college, Big State University(the governor's alma mater).

Most Memorable Lines:

Jake Shuttlesworth: That's right. Come on, come on. Work, baby. You got to work harder than the next man, right? It's the will of the man; it ain't the skill of the man. He can't play you. He can't do nothing with you! We the only two people up. Me, you and Michael Jordan. That's the only people. Everybody else in the world is asleep. What you think Jordan doing right now? He lifting weights right now.

Jesus Shuttlesworth: I hate my name. What kind of name is Jesus anyway?
Jake Shuttlesworth: It's biblical.

Jesus Shuttlesworth: God ain't shit!
Jake Shuttlesworth: Number one, why you gotta use this kinda language? What you some kinda heathen now? You don't make no mistakes? You be out here shootin', but you don't miss no shots ever? EVER? People make mistakes! People veer off the path! God forgives them!
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Has God forgiven you for killing my mother?
Jake Shuttlesworth: I pray that he has, son. I believe he has. When will you?

Jake Shuttlesworth: I pray you understand why I pushed you so hard! It was only to get you to that next level, Son. I mean, you's the first Shuttlesworth that's ever gonna make it out of these projects, and I was the one who who put the ball in your hand, Son! I put the ball in your crib!

Jake Shuttlesworth: I want you to go to Big State, Son. Jesus Shuttlesworth: Aw, Man, you just like everybody else.
Jake Shuttlesworth: No I'm not like everyone else, Son. Everyone else ain't your father.

Synopsis: Although this is an awesome movie (especially because former SU great John Wallace is in it), I don't think it's Denzel's signature role. Maybe it's me, but I just think Denzel is better when he's on the side of law enforcement.


3.) Alonzo Harris in Training Day (2001)



In ths Oscar winning role Denzel plays a twisted LAPD narcotics detective who shows a young up and comer (Ethan Hawke) the ropes of the day to day operations of his job. The street savvy detective shows the young cop how he bends the rules of the law to achieve street justice, but eventually his corrupt ways catch up to him.

Most Memorable Lines:

Alonzo Harris: Today's a training day, Officer Hoyt. Show you around, give you a taste of the business. I got 38 cases pending trial, 63 in active investigations, another 250 on the log I can't clear. I supervise five officers. That's five different personalities. Five sets of problems. You can be number six if you act now. But I ain't holding no hands, okay? I ain't baby-sitting. You got today and today only to show me who and what you're made of. You don't like narcotics, get the fuck out of my car. Go get you a nice, pussy desk job, chasing bad checks or something, you hear me?

Alonzo Harris: My nigga.

Jake Hoyt: That's street justice.
Alonzo Harris: What's wrong with street justice?
Jake Hoyt: Oh, what, so just let the animals wipe themselves out, right?
Alonzo Harris: God willing. Fuck 'em, and everybody that looks like 'em.

Alonzo Harris: It behoves you not to dick around on this one. Justifiable homicide in the line of duty? What happened was...
Jake Hoyt: What happened was murder... and armed robbery. Wait, we had badges, so it's different?
Alonzo Harris: Open your eyes, son. Can't you see?
Jake Hoyt: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly.
Alonzo Harris: Why is he my friend, because he knows my first name? Roger sold dope to kids. The world is a better place without him. This man was the biggest major violator in Los Angeles. This is the game. I'm playing his ass. That's my job. That's your job. I watched that cocksucker operate with impunity for over 10 years, and now I got him. The shit's chess, it ain't checkers. What, we all of a sudden gonna roll up in a black-and-white? Come on, man, take the money.
Jake Hoyt: I told you, I'm not gonna take that money.
Alonzo Harris: All right, burn it, barbecue it, fish-fry it, I don't give a fuck. But the boys'll feel better about it.
Jake Hoyt: Fuck their feelings.
Alonzo Harris: You're not making them feel like you're part of the team.
Jake Hoyt: The team? You guys are fuckin' insane. All right, I'll go back to the Valley. I'll cut parking tickets. Why does it have to be this way?
Alonzo Harris: I'm sorry I exposed you to it, but it is. It's ugly, but it's necessary... Sometimes you gotta have a little dirt on you for anybody to trust you.

Alonzo Harris: To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.

Alonzo Harris: Aww, you motherfuckers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you bitches. Huh. You think you can do this shit... Jake. You think you can do this to me? You motherfuckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program, nigga. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherfucker down. King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, fuck. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any motherfucking way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.

Synopsis: The first time I saw this movie I wasn't exactly blown away by Denzel's performance, but the second time I watched it I saw why he won the Oscar. Is this his best? Some say yes, but I'm not so sure. As you know, I'm the whitest kid in America, but I think I agree with what the rapper Jadakiss said in his song "Why".

"Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get a Oscar
Why Denzel have to be crooked before he took it."


4.) Creasy in Man on Fire (2004)



In this film Denzel plays a retired CIA operative (do I even have to say anything else?) that is hired to protect the daughter of wealthy couple in Mexico City. He forms a strong bond with the girl (Dakota Fanning) and after she is kidnapped he goes on an absolute rampage of vengeance.

Most Memorable Lines:

Elderly Man: In the church, they say to forgive.
Creasy: Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.

Lisa: What are you gonna do?
Creasy: What I do best. I'm gonna kill 'em. Anyone that was involved. Anybody who profited from it. Anybody who opens their eyes at me.

Creasy: The gunshot holds no fear, say it.
Pita: The gunshot holds no fear.
Creasy: You welcome the sound. In fact it's the sound that sets you free. You are a prisoner on this block until that sound sets you free.

Creasy: Okay, my friend. It's off to the next life for you. I guarantee you, you won't be lonely.

Creasy: Do you know what this is? It’s a charger used by convicts to hide money and drugs they tuck it up their rectum. This is pencil detonator, timer, used as a receiver from the pager. This is C4 highly explosive; you put it all together you've got a bomb, not very sophisticated, but very powerful.
Creasy: [whispers in his ear] That's what you have in your ass right now.

Synopsis: Could you see anyone else playing this role? I know I couldn't. Denzel shows us the full range of emotions as Creasy. He goes from a disgruntled former CIA operative with no reason to live to a caring bodyguard/father figure type to a vindictive, cold hearted killer all within 2 and a half hours. The only thing this role lacks is a romantic element, but the lack of one only enhances how badass the character is.


5.) Detective Keith Frazier in Inside Man (2006)



In this Spike Lee joint Denzel plays a hostage negotiator who is called into duty when a NYC bank is hijacked by a slew of robbers. When the conventional methods of negotiating go awry, Denzel's character decides to enter the bank and confront the hijacker face to face.

Most Memorable Lines:

Dalton Russell: Soon I'm gonna be sucking down piña coladas in a hot tub with six girls named Amber and Tiffany.
Keith Frazier: No, it's more like in the shower with two guys named Jamal and Jesus... and here's the bad news; that thing you're sucking on? It's not a piña colada!

Keith Frazier: Alright, I've got them right where I want 'em.
Det. Bill Mitchell: Where's that?
Keith Frazier: Right behind me with my pants around my ankles, but it's a start.

Keith Frazier: Oh, please, do not say proposals... my girlfriend... she wants a proposal from me.
Dalton Russell: You think you're too young to get married?
Keith Frazier: No, I'm not too young... too broke. Maybe I should rob a bank.
Dalton Russell: Do you love each other?
Keith Frazier: Yeah, yeah, we do.
Dalton Russell: Then money shouldn't really matter.
Keith Frazier: Thank you, bank robber!

Keith Frazier: Sorry to interrupt you, Mister Mayor, but there's an old American saying: When there's blood on the streets, somebody's gotta go to jail.

Madeliene White: Well detective, there are matters at stake here that are a little bit above your pay grade. No offense.
Keith Frazier: Well, why don't you just tell the mayor to raise my pay grade to the proper level, and problem solved.

Synopsis: Denzel is in his wheelhouse as a hostage negotiator in this movie, but I think Clive Owen outshines him a little bit. Either way, it's a fntastic movie. I particularly enjoy the word play involved in the movie's title.

Leading Role: Cameron Diaz

It's hard to believe, but Cameron Diaz is 37. After auditioning for and landing a role in The Mask at the ripe, young age of 21 with no prior acting experience, Diaz has skyrockted to the top of the Hollywood elite. She's starred in numerous feature films, but which role is she most known for? If she were to give up acting tomorrow (and by the looks of this new movie The Box she might want to consider it), what role, other than her relationship with Justin Timberlake, would she be most known for?

1.) Tina Carlyle in The Mask (1994)



In this film Diaz played the damsel in distress as an eye catching nightclub singer. Although it was a minor role (it was still the female lead) it turned out to be her breakthrough performance.

Most Memorable Lines:



Synopsis- Forget about her acting for a minute, Cameron Diaz was smoking hot in this movie. In fact, she's so attractive in this film that I made it into an adjective. In describing good looking girls sometimes I say, "She's like Cameron Diaz in The Mask hot," just like how on hot, sweaty days in the summer some people say, "It's Africa hot out."

Similarly, my boy Browny has told me a number of times that he got his first ever erection while watching The Rock (1996). In the beginning there's a scene where Vanessa Marcil (who I love) is stradling Nicolas Cage in a car. Now I can't exactly remember my first career boner, but if I had to guess I'd go with Cameron Diaz in The Mask. By the way, phenomenal conversation piece for guys.


2.) Mary in There's Something About Mary (1998)



In this Farrelly brothers comedy Cameron plays the girl that seemingly all guys fall for. Every guy knows that, "there's just something about her" feeling and I think this was the first time it was ever explicitly portrayed on the silver screen.

Most Memorable Lines:

Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: "Fatty who likes golf and beer." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

Pat Healy: My real passion is my hobby.
Mary: Really, what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little, uhm, politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Well, heh, to hell with that... no one's going to tell me who I can and can't work with, right?
Mary: No, I mean...
Pat Healy: We got this one kid, Mongo... He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theatre, but he's a good ship. So we don't bust his chops too much. So, one day Mongo gets out of his cage...
Mary: They keep him in a cage?
Pat Healy: Well, it's just an enclosure...
Mary: No, but they keep him confined?
Pat Healy: Right, yeah.
Mary: That's bullshit!
Pat Healy: Well, that's what I said! So, I went out and I got him, uh, I got him a leash.
Mary: A leash?
Pat Healy: Yeah, one of those ones you can hook on the clothesline, and he can run back and forth and, uh, there's plenty of room for him to dig and play. That kid is really, uh, he's really blossomed.

Synopsis- In many ways this is Cameron's signature role. Not only is she the central figure of the film, but she sort of is her character Mary in real life. She's quirky, goofy, and fun and everybody seems to like her even though she's never really had a critically acclaimed performance.


3.) Christina Pagniacci in Any Given Sunday (1999)



In this film she plays a young, bitchy woman who has just inherited a professional football team.

Most Memorable Lines:

Christina Pagniacci: No intensity, no victory.

Christina Pagniacci: [in passing a player in the locker room exposed in all his manhood] Don't stiffen on me.

Synopsis- This role was a little out of Cameron's league, but I think she had a good grasp of the feisty, cold-heartedness that was needed to play Pagniacci. She kind of reminds me of the female owner in Major League (1989) except that she definitely has much more sex appeal. There's just something about women in power that attracts men. I think it's that guys want to see them in a situation where they no longer have the power, so to speak, and most guys feel like they can achieve this goal sexually.


4.) Jenny Everdeane in Gangs of New York (2002)



This is probably the best movie that Cameron Diaz has ever been in and her role as the most attractive girl in town, who happens to be a thief, is a minor one, but again it's the female lead.

Most Memorable Lines:

Bill: Anything in your pockets?
Jenny: I ain't started working yet.

Amsterdam Vallon: Is there anyone in the five points you haven't fucked?
Jenny: Yes, you.

Jenny: When I was twelve years old, my mother was dead, and I was livin' in a doorway. He took me in. Took care of me, in his way. After they cut out the baby... well, he doesn't fancy girls that's scarred up. But you might as well know in your own mind that he never laid a hand on me until I asked him to.

Synopsis- It's kind of hard to stand out in a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Daniel Dey-Lewis, but that's not to say that Cameron's performance was bad. In fact, she was good, but I don't think anyone thinks of her when Gangs of New York is brought up.


5.) Amanda Woods in The Holiday (2006)



Don't judge me because I've seen this movie. A girl made me watch it. In this film Cameron plays one of my dream professions. She's an editor of movie trailers, which I doubt is an actual profession. Wouldn't the director just take care of it? Either way, in the film she gets fed up with the hustle and bustle of everyday life and decides to take a vacation. She ends up swapping houses with a woman from England (Kate Winslet) and she falls in love with that woman's brother (Jude Law).

Most Memorable Lines:

Amanda: I need some peace and quiet... or whatever it is people go away for.

Amanda: You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway...
I'm thinking we should have sex... If you want.
Graham: Is that a trick question?

Amanda: Sex makes everything more complicated. Even not having it, because the not having it... makes it complicated.

Graham: Long distance relationships can work, you know.
Amanda: Really? I can't make one work when I live in the same house with someone.

Synopsis- This romantic comedy was interesting because 2 of the 4 stars aren't the least bit funny (Winslet and Law). What they did was pair the funny leads (Diaz and Jack Black) with the not so funny ones. The movie still isn't funny by my standards, but I certainly applaud their effort. Cameron plays her part quite well, but I don't think it stands out at all. The dual storyline sort of jumbles everything together.


6.) Joy McNally in What Happens in Vegas (2008)



This is quickly becoming one of my favorite movies of all time even though it gets negative points for featuring Queen Latifah. Diaz is once again in her wheelhouse playing a day trader at the NYSE who needs a break after being dumped by her fiance. Her goofy and fun personality shines so bright that it made me like Ashton Kutcher.

Most Memorable Lines:

Tipper: You know what? I can get a couple of my brother's loser ass friends to go over to Mason's apartment, knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They'll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he'll fall to the floor whaling and crying "Why?" and then we'll say "You know why!"
Joy McNally: Wow! Did you just make that up?
Tipper: No, I thought about it a lot on the way over

Joy McNally: Is there any part of the night, I don't know, maybe say the part where I was about to marry the rebound guy, that you thought, 'hey oh my God, this is a really good time for an intervention'?
Tipper: Seriously?
Joy McNally: Yeah.
Tipper: I like... threw up in my own purse... so...

Joy McNally: The grown-ups have to go to work today... What are you going to do all day?
Jack Fuller: I don't know yet
[shoves cereal in mouth]
Joy McNally: Hmph.
Jack Fuller: I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
Joy McNally: Words to live by, Yanni.

Synopsis- The movie is hysterical, but as you can see Cameron doesn't really have many of the funny lines. She is sort of the serious, uptight one, but that unravels as her relationship with Kutcher develops.

When I think of Cameron Diaz I now think of this movie. It's literally her ideal role. It's a hysterical romantic comedy and her character's personality in many ways mirrors her own.

Leading Role: Russell Crowe

This past Christmas I played a game of trivial pursuit with my brothers and sisters. Trivial Pursuit, in case you were unaware, is a game based on one's knowledge of a wide variety of facts and information. Needless to say, it's in my wheelhouse. Although I planned on dominating, the game didn't exactly transpire how I thought it would. For whatever reason I kept getting the most bizarre and difficult questions while my siblings marched around the board. Finally I got this layup.

What country was Russell Crowe born in?

"Australia, obviously," I said.

Wrong, Russell Crowe was born in New Zealand. I was furious, but if I had only known then what I know now I may have been even more infuriated. Russell Crowe was indeed born in New Zealnd, but he was raised almost entirely in Australia. His family moved there shortly after he was born.

Stumbling upon this information about Crowe's formative years reminded me of something that happened to me in 9th grade English class. For whatever reason our teacher had chosen to spend a few weeks on the book Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. For homework he assigned a few chapters each night for us to read. Naturally I was much too cool to read a book in 9th grade so I either did nothing at all or quickly glanced over sparknotes before class because our teacher periodically gave us pop quizzes to ensure that we were keeping up with the material. After one such pop quiz our teacher had us pass our papers to the person in front of us to be peer graded.

Now the crux of the story rests on the third or fourth question of the quiz. To the best of my memory the question was, "How long has (Character X) known Rebecca?" I didn't have the slightest idea, so I wrote "about her whole life." The correct answer, according to our teacher, was "since she was young". Almost immediately the person grading my paper raised their hand and asked the teacher if my answer was acceptable. Without hesitation my teacher said no and I instinctively remarked, "That's ridiculous." After hearing the correct answer I thought I had the question in the bag. "About her whole life" and "since she was young" are practically the same thing, right? My teacher, a mild-mannered 30 something that all of the girls in my class adored, unexpectedly responded to my outburst by screaming "DO YOU WANT TO SEE RIDICULOUS?" at the top of his lungs. After he said that everything stopped. It seriously felt like someone had hit the pause button in real life because a silent chill seemed to linger over the entire room as I considered whether or not to respond. No one had ever heard our teacher as much as raise his voice, let alone scream like he just had. Still to this day I don't know why he was so angry. Sure I was a smug fifteen year old punk who thought he knew everything, but there must have been some external factors going on. After I shook myself free from a shock feuled daze I quietly surrendered by saying, "No, that's okay." Then as if nothing had happened he just moved on to the next question.

Ok, so back to Russell Crowe. Is it just me or does it not seem right to refer to him as anything other than his full name? I called him Crowe earlier and it didn't feel right. The Russell just rolls right into the Crowe. A few girls in college used to call virtually everybody by their first and last name. It didn't matter who they were talking to/about or how many syllables were involved. I guess it was their thing. For some people's names it seemed like a stretch, but for others it just seemed to work. Russell Crowe, to me anyway, is one of those names that works better as with the given name and the surname in tandem.

To be honest I've never been a big fan of Russell Crowe. Recently I was telling someone about my dislike for him, but when pressed for a reason why I drew a blank. In fact, when I got to thinking about it I realized that I've never seen a bad Russell Crowe film. Not only that, but I don't think he's given a sub par performance in any of his movies that I've seen (although I strongly disliked him for arresting Denzel's character Frank Lucas in American Gangster (2007)).

Ok fine, so he's never given a sub par performance, but which of his performances have been the best? For more on that let's go to the nominees.


1.) Bud White in L.A. Confidential (1997)


In this Oscar nominated film, Russell Crowe plays a hard nosed, tough guy cop who's trying to get to the bottom of a bloody shooting. In the course of his investigation he gets involved with a high class escort (a contradictory title), her pimp, and crooked cops. His blue collar, no bullshit attitude fits him well.

Most Memorable Lines:

Lynn Bracken: You say "fuck" a lot.
Bud White: You fuck for money.

Lynn Bracken: There's blood on your jacket. Is that an integral part of your job?
Bud White: Sometimes.
Lynn Bracken: Do you enjoy it?
Bud White: When they deserve it.
Lynn Bracken: Did they today?
Bud White: I don't know.
Lynn Bracken: But you did it anyway.
Bud White: Yeah, just like the half-dozen guys you screwed today.
Lynn Bracken: Well, actually, it was two.

Pierce Patchett: I use girls that look like movie stars. Sometimes I employ a plastic surgeon. When the work had been done, that's when you saw us.
Bud White: That's why her mother couldn't I.D. her. Jesus fucking Christ.
Pierce Patchett: No, Mr. White. Pierce Morehouse Patchett.

Synopsis- Russell Crowe's performance in the film is certainly reputable, but it doesn't really stand out. I don't know, maybe it was that he was handcuffed a little but because he was part of a three headed protaganist with Kevin Spacey and Guy Pearce. While Bud White is definitely a great character I don't think it's Russell Crowe's best.


2.) Maximus in Gladiator (2000)


This is unquestionably Russell Crowe's most recognizable role. When you hear the name Russell Crowe you think Gladiator. I mean, the film won the Oscar for Best Picture and this role of Maximus won him the Oscar for Best Actor. In case you don't know, in the film Crowe (the novelty of the full name thing has already worn off) plays a former Army General who is forced into slavery, but returns to the lime light by rising through the Gladiator ranks.

Most Memorable Lines:

Maximus: What we do in life.....echoes in eternity.

Maximus: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
Commodus: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
Maximus: You must know. He was your father.

Maximus: I am required to kill, so I kill. That is enough.

Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Synopsis- This role is obviously the odds on favorite to take home the hardware and I wouldn't be surprised if it did so in landlside fashion.; however I will say that I think most people liked this movie mainly because of the fight scenes. There's no denying that the action was great, but Crowe won the Oscar because he knocked the dramatic moments out of the park.


3.) Terry Thorne in Proof Of Life (2000)


In this role Crowe plays a hostage negotiator who is called in to track down Meg Ryan's husband, who gets kidnapped in the fictional South American country of Tecala. After spending so much time together Crowe's character begins to have romantintic feelings for Ryan and her character reciprocates them. These emotions are sort of the subplot of the movie, but they seem a bit forced. They end up kissing and in my opinion it comes out of nowhere. The reason I even mention this is because during the filming of the movie Crowe and Ryan began an off screen romantic affair. Oh, the irony. Ryan was married to Dennis Quaid at the time, but soon divorced him. While I feel bad for Quaid, I also think that he should have seen it coming.

According to imdb.com Ryan "met actor Anthony Edwards during the making of the film Top Gun (1986) and moved in with him. They were a couple until she met actor Dennis Quaid during the film Innerspace (1987), and she moved in with and eventually married him." What goes around comes around Quaid. Also, it should be noted that Meg Ryan was born in Fairfield, CT and still has a home there.

Most Memorable Lines:

Alice Bowman: You are the first, you are the only person I've met who knows what they're talking about! So I am begging you, I am totally begging you to help me out on this.
Terry Thorne: You asked me not to bullshit you?
Alice Bowman: Right.
Terry Thorne: I've gotta plane to catch.

Peter Bowman: You're not fucking with me!
Terry Thorne: No mate. I'm for real.

Terry Thorne: This road leads to Alice. This road leads to home.

Alice Bowman: I thought we'd get a chance...
Terry Thorne: What? To sit round and chat? The three of us?

Synopsis- The film was a complete critical and commercial flop, but it does have the distinction of being the first film that I ever Netflixed. I thought it was alright (3 and a half stars out of 5), but I get the feeling that it's one of those movies that people either love or hate. One person that I know loved it is ESPN.Com's own Bill Simmons. In one of his columns he wrote,

(His best hope is for a "Proof of Life"-level comeback. Which reminds me ... with the decade winding to a close, the "Most Underrated Movie of the Decade" title is down to two candidates and only two: "Proof of Life" and "Man On Fire." That's the list. We will accept no other nominations.)

For the record, Man On Fire is much better.


4.) John Nash in A Beautiful Mind (2001)


In this film Crowe plays a groundbreaking mathematician who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. Based purely on that sentence you should know that he earned a Best Actor nomination from the Academy Awards. I must say that I particularly enjoyed this movie because of the sneaky hot Jennifer Connelly and my favorite supporting actor of all time, Adam Goldberg.

Most Memorable Lines:

Nash: Find a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever matter.

Nash: Adam Smith needs revision. If we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no on likes to be second choice. But what if none of us goes for the blonde? We won't get in each other's way and we won't insult the other girls. It's the only way to win. It's the only way we all get laid.

Nash: She never gets old! Marcee can't be real; she never gets old!

Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.

Synopsis- I don't think that there's any question that this was Crowe's most challenging role, but was it his best? I would say, yes. It's definitely not the best movie that he's ever been in, but I think it's his best acting performance. If he suddenly died or walked away from acting would this be the role that he was most remembered for? Probably not, but I think it should be.


5.) James Braddock in Cindarella Man (2005)


Not for nothing, this is the best of the five trailers. In the film Crowe plays a poor, beat down boxer who is struggling to provide for his family. Although his boxing skills may have diminished, Crowe's character (Braddock) summons all of his mental and physical strength and takes on the world heavyweight champion. He is clearly outmatched by the German sensation Max Baer, but with nothing more to lose Braddock comes out the victor.

Most Memorable Lines:

James Braddock: I have to believe that when things are bad I can change them.

James Braddock: You think you're telling me something? Like, what, boxing is dangerous, something like that? You don't think working triple shifts and at night on a scaffold isn't just as likely to get a man killed? What about all those guys who died last week living in cardboard shacks to save on rent money just to feed their family, 'cause guys like you have not quite figured out a way yet to make money off of watching that guy die? But in my profession - and it is my profession - I'm a little more fortunate.

Synopsis- Crowe has publicly said that this role is his personal favorite, but that doesn't mean that it's his best. It's a great story and Crowe does an admirable job of portraying Braddock, but it's hard to even consider it as his finest work because Paul Giamatti literally steals the show. Giamatti's Oscar winning role as Braddock's promoter/trainer Joe Gould is simply outstanding.

Leading Role: Jim Carrey

Although a few of his more serious roles (The Truman Show (1998) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)) have received much more critical acclaim, Jim Carrey is best known as a comedic actor, so we'll stick to that genre. Carrey first came onto the scene in the early 90's as the token white guy on the hit show In Living Color. His innate comedic talent soon landed him on the big screen where he became arguably the funniest man in show business for about a 5 year stretch (1994-99). Now on to the nominees, but remember if Carrey faded off into the limelight with Jenny McCarthy and was never heard from again, which of the following roles would you consider to be his best ever?

1.)Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)




In this film Carrey plays a zany animal detective hired to find the Miami Dolphins' mascot Snowflake before the Superbowl.

Most Memorable lines:

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes....just wait longer.

Ace Ventura: All righty then.

Ace Ventura: I saw the guy's room. Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

Melissa: Ace, where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkel's the mayor!

Ace Ventura: Do NOT go in there. Phew!

Ace Ventura: Loo-hoo-zuh-her



Synopsis: This was really his breakthrough role and certainly one of those movies that you can watch time and time again and continue to find more lines that make you laugh. I wouldn't say it's my favorite Jim Carrey role because the humor is a little offbeat, especially if you consider the sequel Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995).


2.) Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber (1994)




Carrey plays a limo driver who notices a client making a "suitcase drop" in the airport and drives across the country with his roommate to give it back to her.

Most Memorable Lines:

Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.

Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo?
Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary: How'd you guess?
Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
Lloyd: So where are you headin'?
Mary: Aspen.
Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

Lloyd: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd: Right on my ass after you kiss it!

Lloyd: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."



Synopsis: Outside of The Sandlot (1993), I've seen this movie more times than any other. I'm talking upwards of 15 times in its entirety. When I was in 8th grade I could recite just about every line. It's clearly one of my favorite movies ever, but with that said, is Lloyd Christmas Jim Carrey's best role? I would probably lean towards yes, but I think it could be argued that Jeff Daniels had just as many, if not more, funny lines than did Carrey.


3.) Fletcher Reede in Liar, Liar (1997)




In this film Carrey plays a divorced lawyer who, although he promised to be there, fails to show up to his son's birthday party. His son then wishes that his dad will be unable to tell a lie for an entire day...and it comes true.

Most Memorable lines:

Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Pete: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!

Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Fletcher: Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Max: My teacher tells me real beauty's on the insider
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!

Synopsis: A bit of a cheesy plot, but a perfect role for Carrey. The supporting cast is weak, but it's still a funny movie because of Carrey. Probably not his best role of all time, but certainly a dark horse contender. I mean, who can forget about The Claw?


4.)Charlie/Hank in Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)




In this movie Carrey plays an overly nice cop that suffers from advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Most Memorable lines:

Hank Evans: Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

Hank Evans (to a kid): What are you staring at, fucker? You want to start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event, and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: Hey, what is your problem, pal ?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.



Synopsis- A very underrated movie. You laugh a couple times the first time you see it, but you don't rave about. After you see it a few more times and with the right people you begin to realize how hysterical it is. Hank might be one of the funniest characters of the past decade. I doubt anyone immediately thinks of this movie when they think of Jim Carrey, but it certainly adds to his entire body of work.


5.) Bruce Nolan in Bruce Almighty (2003)



In this film Carrey plays a new anchor desperate for a promotion who feels like he never catches any breaks. God intervenes and grants him his powers to basically teach him the lesson Peter Parker's Uncle taught- with great power comes great responsibility.

Most Memorable lines:

Bruce: B-E-A-utiful

Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk. Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life, eroding beneath me?
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.



Synopsis: Dare I say this was Jim Carrey's last great comedy? Now I haven't seen Yes Man (2008), but since this film came out he's been in Eternal Sunshine, which is a phenomenal movie just not at all funny, Fun With Dick and Jane (2005) which was a major let down, and The Number 23 (2007) which I've heard was serious, unrealistic, and just flat out bad. Either way, Bruce Nolan is a good character, but not quite as good as Carrey's characters of the past. Bruce, in a way, is like Ken Griffey Jr's 2005 season with the Cincinnati Reds. He hit 35 HR's and drove in 92 runs. A great season, but not nearly as great as his '96-'99 numbers during which he averaged 52 HR's and 140 RBI's.