Hockey

Hockey has long been the red-headed stepchild of the four major professional sports, at least as far as Americans are concerned. Now maybe I'm a little biased because I can't skate well and all of my hockey knowledge is based on NHL 2002 for PlayStation2, but logically, this makes perfect sense. For starters, the South isn't exactly receptive to the sport for obvious climatic reasons. With year round pleasant temperatures, outdoor sports like baseball and football are king. So right off the bat, half the country is genuinely disinterested with the sport.

As for those of us north of the Mason-Dixon line (I honestly couldn't even tell you where that is), hockey is relatively hit or miss. Much of this has to do with the fact that hockey is a sport dominated by the affluent. Simply put, hockey is an expensive sport to get involved in. Helmets, pads, sticks, skates, etc. are not cheap. This economic barrier prevents many from developing an affection for the sport. The easy, cheap alternative (probably not the right word anymore) is basketball. Basketball's rise in popularity as a winter sport has decimated the potential for hockey to grow in America.

Despite the abundance of logical data that suggests that Hockey will continue to be the laughing stock of the four professional sports, I'm shocked that it doesn't have more of a following...and here's why.

We'll do it live

Now I can't speak from personal experience, but from everything that I hear, hockey is undoubtedly the best sport to watch live. Again, this makes perfect sense. Hockey is an action packed, high paced game. Professionals have both incredible speed and skill and I'm sure that both are only accentuated in person. The game is also very physical. In your average NHL game you'd be sure to see a handful of bone crushing hits, hipchecks into the boards, and perhaps even a fight.

I imagine that another great aspect of seeing a hockey game live is the atmosphere. I've been a part of many a crowd that has gone nuts after touchdowns, dunks, three-pointers, home runs, etc., but I'd have to think that the wildest eruption would be for a goal. They don't come around very often, but there are a whole bunch of chances that must make the payoff for a goal that much better.

Another intriguing part of the live hockey experience is the potential to see a shootout.

Playoffs? Are you kidding me?



The playoff beard is the single coolest thing going in professional sports. Watching grown men bond over a commitment to not shave their facial hair (it's only their facial hair, right?) until they are eliminated from competition is just plain awesome. Job permitting, I think it's also very cool if fans of a team grow a playoff beard as well.

Lord Stanley's Cup


Yes, the fact that pre-dyke haircut Hayden Penettiere licked The Cup makes it that much more tantalizing

The Stanley Cup is the coolest and most revered trophy in all of sports. No other trophy is even in the same ballpark. Yeah that's right Heisman trophy. Eric Crouch and Jason White really hurt your street cred.

What makes Lord Stanley's Cup so great?

1.) If you're on a team that wins The Cup, they carve your name into it. As cool as that is, if you win The Cup multiple times, your name is carved into The Cup multiple times.

2.) The Cup is presented first to the captain of the winning team, who seemingly always hands it off to a cagey, old veteran who has never won it.

3.) Since 1995, every member of the winning team has gotten to spend a day with The Cup. Which raises one of the best sports related questions out there. What would you do on your day with The Cup? I'm not sure that I have a complete answer for that, but if I was fortunate enough to be in that position The Cup would certainly come with me to the city of hopes and dreams and it would most likely make an appearance at the Syracuse Suds Factory.


So hockey almost unequivocally has the best product to see live, the best thing going in all of team sports (at least in terms of camraderie), and the coolest and most revered trophy in all of sports, yet somehow it's popularity is minimal in America. What else could Gary Bettman and the NHL do to increase the sports popularity?

Well here's an idea, the basis of which that I first heard mentioned by ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd, that would surely do the trick. Using pre-interleague play in MLB as our example, we would re-align the two NHL Conferences. No more Eastern and Western Conference. 15 teams would be placed in what would be known as the American League and 15 would be placed in the Canadian League. The two leagues would not play each other at all in the regular season, but every Stanley Cup Finals would be between an American team and a Canadian team.

All of the American teams would be in the northern half of our great nation because I don't think that teams like the Phoenix Coyotes are really all that practical. The 15 teams that would make up the American League would be:

New York Rangers
New Jersey Devils
Philadelphia Flyers
Boston Bruins
Hartford Whalers

Pittsburgh Penguins
Buffalo Sabres
Washington Capitals
St. Louis Blues
Columbus Bluejackets

Chicago Blackhawks
Detroit Red Wings
Minnesota Wild
Colorado Avalanche
San Jose Sharks

And the 15 teams that would make up the Canadian League would be:

Toronto Maple Leafs
Montreal Canadians
Ottawa Senators
Quebec Nordiques
Halifax Mooseheads

Winnipeg Jets
Thunder Bay Lightning
Regina Knights
Saskatoon Sasquatches
Sudbury Wolves

Vancouver Canucks
Calgary Flames
Edmonton Oilers
Karmloops Blazers
Victoria Grizzlies

PS- Congrats to the Blackhawks for winning the Stanley Cup for the first time in nearly 50 years.

Great Moments in Manhood

A few weeks back, when ESPN Radio's Colin Cowherd was talking about Dallas Maverick forward Dirk Nowitzki's crazed and now ex-fiance who claims she is carrying his child, he said,

"Women are like brownies. Even if a guy isn't hungry, you put a brownie in front of him and he's like, "Ehhh I guess I'll eat it.""

Essentially what he meant was that guys are lazy and they'll usually settle for the girl that's the most aggressive. Sure, sometimes a guy likes the cat and mouse game that occurs when a girl plays hard to get, but in general, they want to put in the least amount of work possible in order to get some. This comment was made because Dirk is a professional athlete and this female is a dog (more on this later). Normally professional athletes have smoking hot wives because they are rich and (most) women are superficial. Most professional athletes also cheat on their spouses at a ramped rate. A female friend of mine (again, I'm a huge FOG), told me that she doesn't respect Kobe Bryant because he infamously cheated on his wife. My argument was that 1.) Kobe's wife, although hot, sucks 2.) Jordan cheated on his wife countless time and 3.) At least 75% of professional athletes (NBA, MLB, and NFL) cheat. Now chicks dig hockey players, but I don't know the sport well enough to include them in my estimation.

Okay, so back to this Dirk situation. His ex-fiance Cristal Taylor was arrested at his home on charges of fraud. Apparently there were warrants out for her arrest in two states and she had used somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 aliases in her adult life. Outside of secret agents, anyone that has an alias is a complete whack job (unless that alias is tater salad). It's a tell tale sign. Kind of like my theory that if you have a tattoo on your neck, you're a thug. Dirk was not the first professional athlete that Ms. Taylor tried to take down. Former St. Louis Rams Quarterback Tony Banks came out and said that he used to date Taylor and that she almost ruined his life.

Here is what Taylor and a mid game Dirk look like:



Any guesses as to what their unborn child is going to look like? Here's mine.

Great Moments in Manhood

For those of you that don't know, I become a little soft during the month of December. What can I say? The holiday season gets the best of me. I start blasting Christmas like there's no tomorrow. But once the new year hits, I go right back to eating red meat, drinking beer, and watching football.

With that being said, I present the first installment of Great Moments in Manhood. These moments capture all that it is to be male by reinforcing the notion of patriarchy.


1.) Melvin Udall (played by Jack Nicholson) in As Good as It Gets (1997)



I've been referencing this scene ever since I saw the movie this summer. In the Oscar nominated film, Jack Nicholson plays a successful writer with obsessive compulsive disorder. At one point he goes to his publishers office to ask for a favor. As he is leaving, the female receptionist tells him how much of a fan she is of his writing. The dialogue then follows like this.

Female Receptionist- How do you write women so well?

Melvin Udall- I think of a man, and take away reason and accountability.


2.) Ari Gold (played by Jeremy Piven) in Entourage



I was recently bored so I re-watched Entourage season one and let me be the first to tell you that season one Ari was pure flames. We all know that he has had plenty of misogynist comments in his day, but I was glad to catch this gem.

"You fire a guy and you create a rival. You fire a girl and you create a housewife."


3.) Colin Cowherd of ESPN Radio



First off, he looks a little young in this picture. He's about 44-years-old nowadays, but he's still the best in the radio business every weekday from 10am-1pm. Last Monday he was talking about how all of the home NFL playoff teams were underdogs. He then said....

"You gotta remember, guys are different than women. If you tell a guy he can't do something, he'll do it. You tell a woman she's fat- she goes on anti-depressants. You tell a guy he's fat- he goes to the gym."