Leading Role: Jim Carrey

Although a few of his more serious roles (The Truman Show (1998) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)) have received much more critical acclaim, Jim Carrey is best known as a comedic actor, so we'll stick to that genre. Carrey first came onto the scene in the early 90's as the token white guy on the hit show In Living Color. His innate comedic talent soon landed him on the big screen where he became arguably the funniest man in show business for about a 5 year stretch (1994-99). Now on to the nominees, but remember if Carrey faded off into the limelight with Jenny McCarthy and was never heard from again, which of the following roles would you consider to be his best ever?

1.)Ace Ventura in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)




In this film Carrey plays a zany animal detective hired to find the Miami Dolphins' mascot Snowflake before the Superbowl.

Most Memorable lines:

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes....just wait longer.

Ace Ventura: All righty then.

Ace Ventura: I saw the guy's room. Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

Melissa: Ace, where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkel's the mayor!

Ace Ventura: Do NOT go in there. Phew!

Ace Ventura: Loo-hoo-zuh-her



Synopsis: This was really his breakthrough role and certainly one of those movies that you can watch time and time again and continue to find more lines that make you laugh. I wouldn't say it's my favorite Jim Carrey role because the humor is a little offbeat, especially if you consider the sequel Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995).


2.) Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber (1994)




Carrey plays a limo driver who notices a client making a "suitcase drop" in the airport and drives across the country with his roommate to give it back to her.

Most Memorable Lines:

Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.

Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo?
Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Waitress: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary: How'd you guess?
Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
Lloyd: So where are you headin'?
Mary: Aspen.
Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

Lloyd: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
Harry: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Lloyd: Right on my ass after you kiss it!

Lloyd: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."



Synopsis: Outside of The Sandlot (1993), I've seen this movie more times than any other. I'm talking upwards of 15 times in its entirety. When I was in 8th grade I could recite just about every line. It's clearly one of my favorite movies ever, but with that said, is Lloyd Christmas Jim Carrey's best role? I would probably lean towards yes, but I think it could be argued that Jeff Daniels had just as many, if not more, funny lines than did Carrey.


3.) Fletcher Reede in Liar, Liar (1997)




In this film Carrey plays a divorced lawyer who, although he promised to be there, fails to show up to his son's birthday party. His son then wishes that his dad will be unable to tell a lie for an entire day...and it comes true.

Most Memorable lines:

Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Pete: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!

Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Fletcher: Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Max: My teacher tells me real beauty's on the insider
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!

Synopsis: A bit of a cheesy plot, but a perfect role for Carrey. The supporting cast is weak, but it's still a funny movie because of Carrey. Probably not his best role of all time, but certainly a dark horse contender. I mean, who can forget about The Claw?


4.)Charlie/Hank in Me, Myself, and Irene (2000)




In this movie Carrey plays an overly nice cop that suffers from advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Most Memorable lines:

Hank Evans: Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?
Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me?
Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.
[grabs microphone]
Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.
Irene P. Waters: Hank!
Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

Hank Evans (to a kid): What are you staring at, fucker? You want to start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. I'm due for a seismic event, and you're dancing on the fault line.
Kid's Father: Hey, what is your problem, pal ?
Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the kid.



Synopsis- A very underrated movie. You laugh a couple times the first time you see it, but you don't rave about. After you see it a few more times and with the right people you begin to realize how hysterical it is. Hank might be one of the funniest characters of the past decade. I doubt anyone immediately thinks of this movie when they think of Jim Carrey, but it certainly adds to his entire body of work.


5.) Bruce Nolan in Bruce Almighty (2003)



In this film Carrey plays a new anchor desperate for a promotion who feels like he never catches any breaks. God intervenes and grants him his powers to basically teach him the lesson Peter Parker's Uncle taught- with great power comes great responsibility.

Most Memorable lines:

Bruce: B-E-A-utiful

Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk. Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life, eroding beneath me?
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.



Synopsis: Dare I say this was Jim Carrey's last great comedy? Now I haven't seen Yes Man (2008), but since this film came out he's been in Eternal Sunshine, which is a phenomenal movie just not at all funny, Fun With Dick and Jane (2005) which was a major let down, and The Number 23 (2007) which I've heard was serious, unrealistic, and just flat out bad. Either way, Bruce Nolan is a good character, but not quite as good as Carrey's characters of the past. Bruce, in a way, is like Ken Griffey Jr's 2005 season with the Cincinnati Reds. He hit 35 HR's and drove in 92 runs. A great season, but not nearly as great as his '96-'99 numbers during which he averaged 52 HR's and 140 RBI's.

Email Gone Wrong

My brother sent me this email the other day and I'm not so sure I believe that the following story actually happened. I'm pretty sure it's your run of the mill internet forward, although this one doesn't tell you to make a wish and then require you to pass it on to 10 of your friends to ensure that said wish comes true. In fact, many of you may have come across it before (it seemed vaguely familiar to me as I read it). It's just interesting and creative enough that people will continue to pass it on to their family and friends when it comes their way. It's probably even been emailed more times than this internet gem. Seriously, my apologies if your mom sent you this 5 years ago, but here it is:


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidently left out one letter in her email address, and, without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know your'e surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!


No way this is a true story, right?

A Sports Fan's Checklist

This weekend some of my college friends and I will venture to the Mid West and tackle all that the city of Chicago has to offer. Now I won't waste your time and tell you about how wild and crazy my friends get when drinking is involved because I'm pretty sure everyone thinks that way about their friends. Hearing someone say this, especially if you don't know the friends in question, is the worst. The whole time you're thinking, "I bet you and your friends don't get half as rowdy as me and mine do."

I bring up the Chicago trip because half the reason I'm going is to see a Cubs Game on Saturday. I literally can't wait. Wrigley Field is just one of those venues that every sports fan needs to experience at least once. In fact, here's my top 10.

(in no particular order)

1.) Yankee Stadium, New York, NY (Old and New)



Even for a Yankee-hater, seeing a game in Yankee Stadium is a treat. I mean, everyone loves a slugfest and the new stadium is a launching pad. I went to one game earlier this year and saw 8 home runs.

The highlights of seeing a game at Yankee Stadium have to be 1.) the roll call that the fans do in the top of the first and 2.) witnessing Mariano Rivera enter the game in the top of the 9th in a save situation. Although I am staunchly anti-cliche, that place gets electric when Mo enters the game.


2.) Fenway Park, Boston, MA



From the Green Monster to the Pesky pole, Fenway is all about its uniqueness. I've seen 3-4 games in Fenway and it's certainly a sight to see. My favorite intracacy of Fenway Park is the lone red seat in right field. Every other seat is green, but this one seat is painted red to indicate where a Ted Williams homerun ball famously landed back in 1946. The homer is estimated to have traveled anywhere from 520 to 535 feet.


3.) Wrigley Field in Chicago, IL



Wrigley, along with Fenway, remains as one of the few ancient relics of baseball's illustrious past. The stadium is best known for its ivy-covered brick walls, day games, rooftop seats on buildings across the street from the stadium, and the area around the bar (nicknamed Wrigleyville) that is littered with bars and restaurants. Word on the street is that the way to see/experience Wrigley is to get loaded at Wrigleyville before the game and then sit in the outfield bleacher seats with a horde of dumb Polacks with no future.


4.) Madison Square Garden in New York, NY



Nicknamed the "World's Most Famous Arena", the Garden, which sits atop Penn Station, has played host to countless major sporting events in its storied history. For example, MSG was the venue for the first Ali/Frazier bout, Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals, Game 7 of the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals, Wrestlemania XX, etc. Aside from being the home of the New York Knickerbockers (and the Knicks City Dancers),the Garden also hosts the Big East Tournament, NIT, and NBA Draft every year. MSG is not only a sports sanctuary. As a premier concert venue, it is the Mecca for for performers of all sorts. I have seen a handful of Knicks games as well as a Billy Joel concert in the "World's Most Famous Arena". Granted I'm a Knicks fan, but I don't think there's any doubt that most, if not all, people feel a sense of awe when they enter the building for the first time.


5.) Notre Dame Stadium in South Bend, IN



There's no denying the rich history and tradition of Notre Dame football. Granted I'm biased, but it doesn't get much better than seeing the Irish play in "The House that Rockne Built" on a cold, crisp day in the Fall. From the non-descript striped endzones to the no-names on the back of the jerseys, you get the feeling like you're in the presence of greatness even if the team isn't very good. Highlights of seeing a game in South Bend include:

The Golden Dome



Touchdown Jesus


From left to right: My cousin, me, Glancy, and the Ice Cat

Pushups in the student section after touchdowns/field goals




6.)The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan or Beaver Stadium in Happy Valley, PA



Both stadiums seat well over 100,000 fans and are the home to Big Ten schools. I clump the two together because I assume the experience at each is relatively similar. I will say that no sports team/arena pulls off the "insert color here" out quite like Beaver Stadium and their white outs.

I could probably add more college football venues to the list (The Colliseum, The Rose Bowl, etc.), but I think these three should cover it, although I've heard SEC stadiums are where it's at.


7.) Cameron Indoor Stadium in Durham, NC



Cameron Indoor is the home to college basketball's most hated/loved team in the land; the Duke Blue Devils. The Duke student section, nicknamed the "Cameron Crazies", is notorious for camping out in tents for days leading up to big games, chanting and heckling for the entirity of games, and for looking like the United Nations General Assembly. Honestly, look at that picture. How many kids do you think you'd hang out with? Well either way, apparently seeing a game in Cameron, especially a game against North Carolina, is unparalleled in the college basketball world.


8.) The Carrier Dome in Syracuse, NY



Over the years, the Dome has been nicknamed "The Loud House" for the earth shattering decibel levels that the Orange faithful provide. And let me be the first to tell you that nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into the Loud House and pushes the Orange around. For basketball games, the Carrier Dome is the largest on campus facility in the nation and routinely leads the country in attendance. It is also one of the two on campus arenas (Notre Dame Stadium being the other) that serve alcohol. If you haven't seen a game in the Loud House than you aren't a sports fan.

Also, it should be noted that the whole standing and clapping before a made basket at the start of the game and the second half originated in this building. I've seen other fan bases attempt to steal this staple of the Orange faithful, but I see right through them. For example, UCONN fans also stand and clap at the beginning of the game and the start of the second half and wait to sit down until a basket is made; However UCONN fans consider a made free throw acceptable terms for sitting whereas 'Cuse fans wait for the first made field goal before they sit.


9.) Cowboy Stadium in Dallas, TX



Jerry Jones' baby is the new high water mark for stadiums in the world. I hate the Cowboys with almost every impulse of my body, but this new structure is beyond impressive. It is the largest domed building in the world, it has a retractable roof, and it doubles as an inside or outside concert venue. The versatility is simply incredible. In fact the 2010 NBA All Star Game will be played there.

Give it a look

10.) Augusta National Golf Course in Augusta, GA



The most revered golf couse in the world. Augusta National hosts the Masters, one of golf's four major championships, every year. Seeing the Masters or playing Augusta should be near the top of every sports fans "to do" list. From Magnolia Lane to Amen Corner to Hogan's Bridge, the course is just filled with tradition and mystique. I particularly enjoy how they only sell Masters apparel at the pro shop, which means people who make the trip usually have a list of things to bring back for their friends.

Back to School

While there's no doubt that football is in the air, so to is another season. As I was browsing my local Stop & Shop the other day I noticed the good old back to school aisle. This initially made me sad as I have now been out of college for a resounding 15 months. I glanced down the aisle and saw plenty of spiral notebooks, Harry Potter folders, lunchboxes, etc. I was reminded of that bittersweet, anxious feeling of the summer ending and the new school year beginning and I became extremely jealous of my friend's who are going back to school this month or the next in some capacity.

I had another run in with back to school nostaglia during a departmental meeting yesterday at work. I see a handful of my co-workers on a semi-regular basis, but because most of us work different days and different hours, sometimes I go weeks without seeing someone. I would compare that to hanging out with your friends regularly during the summer while occasionally seeing other classmates elsewhere. This departmental meeting was like that assembly on the first day of school. Our boss spoke just like the principal always did. He told a few terrible jokes that only the adults laughed at. The troublemakers/funny guys sat clumped together in the back of the room and horsed around the whole time. The suck-ups sat in the front and asked stuppppid questions. Everytime the door in the back of the room everyone's head instinctively turned to see who was walking through the door. And there was that nervous excitement about the year ahead.

This reminded me of a website that my cousin's friend started about 5 years ago. On the site he offers observations on a variety of topics that we all experienced growing up. From quips about instant messenger to common occurrences at the ballgame, his one liners bring you back to your formative years. I'd link to the site, but despite my hopes that the sections labeled "Under Construction" would one day be completed, the site hasn't been updated since the time I originally read it.

Here is his section titled, "In the Classroom"


Ever since the age of five, a substantial portion of our lives has been dedicated to the education process. From elementary school to middle school to high school to college, you have grown physically as well as mentally, never missing an opportunity to point out visible perspiration circles around your teacher’s underarms. Thousands of agitated hours have been spent confined to a single desk, rapidly peering at the customary white clock. The only thing that keeps you going is knowing that somehow, someway, someday you might be the chosen one assigned the duty of “Line Leader” for the whole entire week.

How American Classroom is...

-the thumb and index finger pinch to get down to the popular warn down crayon in the box that is smaller than all the others

-playing “guess what color crayon this is” while holding your hand over the crayon name

-knowing that the number 5,318,008 might not be funny on paper, but upside down on a calculator it’s a whole other story

-clapping erasers

-dragging the five prong wooden and metal chalk holder across the chalkboard to make multiple strait lines

-twirling a protractor around a pencil

-a teacher reading a page in a book then turning the book around and making a slow back and forth semi circle so all the children can see the picture on the page

-the one kid in the back that whines, “I didn’t see…” after the two semi circles have been completed

-the teacher doing the slight raise up of the book so the whiner in the back can see

-D.O.L.

-rushing through your work so you can go in the back of the room and play Oregon Trail

-making the “ooooooooo” noise when someone gets called to the Principals office

-pulling the hair of the girl sitting in front of you

-wondering if there actually is a fire this time when the fire alarm goes off

-holding your ears while exiting the school during a fire alarm

-being impatient and writing on un-dried whiteout, leaving a sloppy grey indent

-the sawdust like product that the janitor spills on vomit to make an easy cleanup

-seeing who can say “penis” the loudest without getting caught during a lecture

-bringing in Dunkin Donuts Munchkin’s on your birthday

-being mad that your birthday is in the summer

-going to the nurses office after a tooth falls out

-the anxious feeling the day before a field trip

-not wanting your mother to be a chaperone on a field trip

-the trauma of having homework over the weekend

-attempting to pass off a previous homework assignment as the one that is due today

-not getting full credit for a math homework assignment because you didn’t “show your work”

-trying to fool a math teacher into believing you “showed your work” by rewriting the numbers and variables in the problem a variety of ways

-answering Spanish homework assignments by just rewording the words in the question and taking out the question marks

-hearing a teacher inform you that they were not born the previous day

-waiting for the ideal time to sneak out a fart

-getting points taken off a test because you didn’t round to the specified amount of decimal places

-getting points taken off a test for not circling your answer

-collecting Campbell soup labels

-looking up and circling words in the dictionary such as “penis”, “vagina”, “ass”, and “sex”

-having to get a test in which you showed no effort signed by your parents and returned

-a xylophone or x-ray being the only possible pictures next to the “Xx” part of the alphabet above the chalkboard

-having your syllabus signed and returned, resulting in a 100% on your first quiz grade

-having to use classroom supplied “ARMY…Be All You Can Be” or “Got Milk?” book covers because you forgot today was hold-up-your-books-and-let-me-make-sure-you-all-remembered-to-cover-your-books day

-wrapping your book in the most makeshift way, with no tape and holding it up on the above day, hoping for the best

-hating those people who used the tight, fluorescent, sticky book covers

-drawing a penis on someone’s book cover

-writing your initials over a heart and the person you like’s initials under a heart on your book cover

-three weeks later violently crossing out the initials under the heart and replacing them with other initials, which will go through the same process after the duration of three weeks

-still not knowing which one is the numerator and which one is the denominator

-still having to think about whether “non-fiction” means true or made up

-a teacher inquiring if anyone in class is "good with electronics"

-covering your hands in glue and anxiously waiting for it to dry so you can peel it off

-being grossed out while glancing at someone peeling glue off their hands and quickly remarking, “I thought that was skin”

-convincing a friend to let you cut his hair with the plastic, safety scissors

-the “What is popular isn’t always right and what’s right isn’t always popular” banner

-mistaking the dark purple crayon with no wrapper as a black crayon

-drawing a sun in the top left corner of your page with a smiley face, inferring that if the entire sun had been present (not just the bottom right quarter) just that fraction of the sun would have the face

-drawing long yellow beams shining from the sun, and shorter orange beams in-between the yellow ones

-sitting Indian style

-wishing your last name was shorter while filling out a scan-tron

-wondering if it is okay to have six B answers in a row on a scan-tron

-wondering why “Only A & C” had to be thrown in there with “All of the Above”

-freaking out because the person next to you has a scan-tron with a pattern that looks nothing similar to yours

-taking the time to remember 5 letters at a time while cheating off of someone and putting little dabs on the corresponding bubble to be completely filled in later

-a teacher using the last question on an examination to portray his/her sense of humor and kindness (i.e. Q: Which of the following is NOT an element on the current Periodic Table? A: oxygen B: helium C: potassium D: hot dog buns

-words on a test such as “NOT”, “always”, and “ONLY” being bold, italics, capitalized, or all three

-feeling uneasy when the person you are cheating off of uses his eraser

-pretending to use your eraser just to toy with the person you know is cheating off of you

-using minimum motion and maximum speed to flick a crinkled up note on the desk of your friend

-deliberately knocking your pencil onto the ground so you can fetch a note that has just been delivered in the above fashion

-playing MASH

-asking someone for a pen and getting the response, “no, but I have a pencil”

-shooting an elastic band off of a pencil

-breaking a pencil on purpose so you can walk to the pencil sharpener

-your pounding heart rate during the entire duration of a test you are cheating on

-the stickiness of the glue stick cap

-beginning to slowly zipper your backpack with three minutes left in class, letting the teacher know it is time to let you leave

-a teacher saying “Woah! Woah! Woah! We still have three minutes” when the above takes place

-“We are not leaving until everyone is quiet”

-every child in class saying “Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” in response to the above quote by their teacher

-the hardships to come if one of your friends gets a hold of your locker combination

-how awesome having a locker was those first few days

-forgetting your locker combination the first day back from Christmas break

-rounding up to the nearest hour when looking at the clock to boost your morale

-complaining to your friend that the teacher never calls on you

-trying to make your friend laugh while he is in front of the camera on picture day

-everyone hunching over the window sill when it is snowing outside

-pointing out the window and yelling “Oh man, it’s snowing!” when it really isn’t to catch everyone in bewilderment

-doing so miserably on an exam that you have no choice, but to pretend you can care less

-telling your Mom that “everyone in the entire class did bad”

-coloring in the white blotches on your white and black composition notebook

-putting tape on someone’s back

-knowing you will do at least 20% better than you actually did on your quiz when a teacher says, “Grade the paper of the person next to you”

-hoping that the new seating chart seats you next to the girl/boy you like

-a boy-girl seating arrangement

-receiving a sticker on your forehead for receiving an outstanding test grade

-making a Christmas ornament out of everyday household products

-wanting to be the person that clicks the button to change the slide during a film strip

-realizing that the picture shown on the projector does not match with the audio, surmising that you have failed to keep up with the “Beep” noises

-shooting a crumpled up piece of paper into a wastebasket

-getting caught missing the wastebasket with the paper and having to properly dispose of it

-feeling guilty when you stick a flavorless piece of gum under a desk

-playing “7-up” and cheating by putting your head in your arms, but opening your eyes and taking note of the shoes the person that puts your thumb down is wearing

-complaining that the classroom fan “isn’t getting you” on a scorching June day

Athletes that are Hard to Hate

I read the following article in Men's Journal last month and have been anxiously waiting for them to post it online so I could share it with all of you (there was no way I was going to type it out word by word myself). It was written by Matt Taibbi, who has what I think is one of my top 10 dream jobs. He writes about sports with a media based political slant for both Men's Journal and Rolling Stone. I was originally going to just link to his article about the athletes he can't hate and then offer up my own, but I don't think I can come remotely close to topping his list. Now without further ado:

There’s no shortage of athletes easy to despise. (Preening, overpaid, starbanging phony A-Rod comes to mind.) But even a rabid fan like me has a few opposing players he can’t get too worked up about.

“Why don’t you write about a professional athlete you actually like?” my editor asked me. “I mean, there must be somebody, right?”

When I first heard this question I panicked. Like a lot of sports fans, my mind simply doesn’t work this way. I grew up in Boston and root passionately — actually, pathologically — for Boston sports teams. I like Boston players. I hate everyone else. I could probably root for Hitler if Bill Belichick signed him to the practice squad.

I wasn’t always like this. In college I worshipped Charles Barkley, and even put a map of the U.S. on my wall and stuck an absurd little silhouette of Chuck’s bald head on whatever state the Sixers were playing in that day; the little drawing was marked ELCB, for “Exact Location of Charles Barkley.” I did not get laid much in college.

Things have changed since then; I’m older and crabbier and my fandom is more psychotic and inconsolable than ever. Now the highest honor I can allow a non-Boston player is a state of not being hated. In fact when I try to think of players I like, what I’m really doing is thinking of guys who are hard to hate. In the modern media climate, when a professional athlete spends a sizable percentage of his adult life on live television being a millionaire whose every move is scrutinized by hordes of bored, half-broke working stiffs, it’s nearly impossible to avoid giving fans at least some reason to think you’re a dickhead. The guys who succeed are rare and deserve some props:

1. and 2. Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera- Once upon a time, Boston fans used to walk around wearing T-shirts that said YANKEES SUCK on the front and JETER SWALLOWS on the back. You know when that was? That was before the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004. Once that crushing tribal albatross was lifted, Boston fans for the most part returned to sanity and understood that they had Jeter all wrong, that anyone who roots hard for a loafing malcontent like Manny Ramirez while wearing a T-shirt calling Derek Jeter a cocksucker is begging to be tortured in the afterlife. Both Jeter and Rivera exhibit every quality you want to see in a professional athlete. They play biggest in the biggest games. They don’t showboat. They don’t gripe about their contracts in public. You just don’t hear about these guys off the field at all. They show up, the lights come on, they kick ass, and then they go home and soak by the pool. They’re perfect. Another quality the hard-to-hate player must have is a game so fun to watch you appreciate it even as it’s killing your own team. This is especially true of Rivera, whose bat-exploding cutter is one of the 10 most beautiful things in sports. I used to get a perverse kick out of seeing it chew up Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar would do that annoying OCD routine before he stepped into the box, fidgeting with his gloves like he’s trying to get his precious wrists just right for the at bat — and then Mo would throw his buzz saw right at Nomar’s hands, like he wanted to lop them off and leave them still twitching on the ground. Incidentally, any other reliever who has “Enter Sandman” played while coming onto the field should be disemboweled on pay-per-view.

3. LeBron James- Kobe Bryant pays a lot of attention to whether or not people think he is the next Michael Jordan, but he can’t be the next Michael Jordan precisely because he wants it so bad. LeBron James doesn’t want to be the next MJ because LeBron knows that being Michael Jordan would be a step down for him. Being the greatest athlete in the world by leaps and bounds is probably harder than it seems. I know if I were as great as LeBron James, I would be an enormous asshole. But LeBron not only doesn’t seem like an asshole, he’s totally unpretentious. Even his game is unpretentious. When Kobe plays, it looks like he’s watching himself in the mirror, trying to think up moves pretty enough to lead the next SportsCenter. LeBron just walks on the court and runs the fuck through people. The only thing I can compare it to is a nature show I saw once in which a Komodo dragon systematically pulled the legs off some kind of jungle elk and ate them one after another in four gulps. It’s disturbing and fascinating at the same time. If LeBron were a dick at all, watching this kind of dominance would be awfully depressing — more evidence of the essential injustice of nature. But he isn’t, and it isn’t.

4. Hines Ward- If you’re a fan of almost any other football team it’s really hard not to hate the Steelers because (a) they win all the time, and (b) whenever you go to a sports bar anywhere in the country on any Sunday afternoon, there are always displaced Steeler fans in BETTIS 36 jerseys stretched tight over their fat guts, hooting and hollering and hitting on fat girls. The problem is, their players are good. I mean, they’re all good. Even the quarterback is a tough guy with moles on his face. But the tone-setter is Hines Ward. On most teams the star wideout is some narrow-assed prima donna with diamond rings who whines when he doesn’t get the ball, doesn’t block, and ends his career by getting popped for coke-and-handgun charges in Clearwater, Florida, after a routine traffic stop. But Ward is exactly the opposite of those things. He catches everything you throw at him, he doesn’t leap up after the play and grab his jock, and he blocks guys into next week. I tried for years to hate Ward but finally gave up last year after catching myself enjoying the sight of him thrashing the Patriots’ showboating midget cornerback Ellis Hobbs III (the kind of player who celebrates after giving up a first down) in a Steelers blowout. Hobbs trying to run with Ward looked like an ant trying to catch a hamster. It was impossible not to appreciate.

5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar- A legacy pick. It’s not just Kareem’s legendary, Oscar-worthy role in Airplane!, which remains the gold standard for self-parodying jock movie performances. It’s not just the sympathy you feel for a guy whose house burned down, who had to take gigs on Everybody Loves Raymond for money, who found himself semi-shunned by the NBA after his retirement, reduced to openly begging for coaching opportunities he never got. It was more the other thing: Kareem never turned into a raging, self-aggrandizing blowhard who wedged himself onto an ESPN set wearing purple six-button, three-piece suits and screaming self-promoting horseshit into a camera. There are some athletes who get so hooked on the adulation that they’ll do anything to replace it when they retire. You get the feeling Bill Walton would give a Clydesdale a rim job if it meant keeping his NBA analyst gig. Kareem is different. He was one of the only sports greats who never went so overboard with egomania that it all made sense to him. He used to physically recoil from fans and sportswriters who pumped too-hard handshakes or stood too close; and when people looked at him with worship and love in their eyes, he looked back at them like they were out of their fucking minds.

6. Donovan McNabb- McNabb has quietly spent the last decade being one of the best athletes in America and has taken the Philadelphia Eagles — a franchise that spent most of the previous 30 years getting their balls smashed flat when it counted by the Giants and the Cowboys — to five NFC title games and a Super Bowl. And yet Philly fans howl at him like they’re pissed he’s winning. For 10 years I’ve been waiting for McNabb to break the huddle, walk up under center, hear the boos and insults, and then suddenly call time out and start into a Bill Hicks–style tirade at the crowd: “Fuck you, you fucking rednecks! Enjoy the Kevin Kolb era!” And then just walk off the field, jump in a cab, and pay a $9,800 fare straight to the Vikings’ front office in Minneapolis, where he signs for 10 bucks and a Snickers bar just for the chance to whip the Eagles in the playoffs. It’ll never happen, but it should.

7. Roger Federer- You want to hate him for all the usual reasons: He’s a European, he has a ponytail (or used to), and he makes Andy Roddick look like an out-of-shape bank teller from Binghamton. Normally the sniveling foreign tennis douchebag is one of the more dependable villains in all of sport. In fact most years the only reason to watch the U.S. Open is to see if Lleyton Hewitt finally has an aneurysm while unleashing a tirade at a black umpire, or if Yeugeny Kafelnikov and his Prince Charming haircut get pecked to death by a bunch of Flushing Bay seagulls. But Federer fights like a lion, doesn’t bitch about calls, and on the court he’s God’s gift to tennis. If you go into a match rooting for a half-socialized loudmouth American like Roddick to beat Federer, by the time it’s over (usually after about 11 minutes) you’re embarrassed enough to start passing yourself off as Canadian. Bjorn Borg was the same way, but he forfeits points for losing his shit once he met his match in John McEnroe. The way Federer embraced and accepted Rafael Nadal’s arrival makes him even greater, if that makes sense.

8. Peyton Manning- This is very hard for me personally to admit, as I spent most of George W. Bush’s presidency both loathing Manning and living in terror of his uncanny ability to convert 3rd-and-14. But I’ve officially moved to a new stage of my relationship with him, sort of like Rocky and Apollo after the second film. Manning used to be supremely hateable because he wilted when the lights got bright and showed his teammates up by making prune faces after drops and missed blocks. But since 2004 he’s won the big one while his sixth-round “lunch pail” rival Tom Brady has pissed away off-seasons visiting the Pope, carrying a man purse, hugging goats in photo shoots, and balling movie actresses and Brazilian supermodels. Manning in his endorsement career opted for a goofy, everyman persona, while the socially grasping Brady branded himself to the yacht-and-Brie crowd, rocking a dimple-chinned, God-I’m-handsome black-and-white head shot to sell the “Tom Brady Limited Edition 800 Series Chronograph by Movado,” a watch that costs $3,000. Brady-Manning is the best rivalry in sports, but even Boston fans know now that the off-field stuff has tilted massively in Manning’s favor in recent years. Plus all he does on the field is take the hit, jump right back up, and drill guys right in the hands. Admit it, people, you’ll feel better.

9. David Beckham- Just because the inventor of the word “metrosexual” declared Beckham to be the ultimate example of the species doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate… Ha, ha, no, just kidding. David Beckham does not get on this list: I have no problem hating that motherfucker. In fact I hope his penis falls off at a rope-line event. Why don’t Europeans use their hands when they play sports? What’s wrong with those people?

In Favor of a Female Writer?

I've never been a huge proponent of female writers. As many of you know, outside of the first four Harry Potter books, I have not read a book written by a female author. This all sort of came about unintentionally, but ever since I was clued into my subconscious decision to avoid books written by females I have continued to do just that.

Naturally I tend to gravitate to writers who write similarly to me. (FYI they are making Tucker Max's I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell into a movie) Surprisingly there is a female writer out there that I think writes with a style and flair similar to my own. She just so happens to be an old college friend (seriously if I'm not the biggest FOG you know than you should really reevaluate who you're friends with) that has recently started her own little blog.

She's very observant, witty, sarcastic, and much funnier than I am. What I like most about her writing is that she has a very realistic sense of not only the world/our twenty something culture, but also her participation in it.

For example:

I am severely obsessed with my Blackberry. This can not be a good sign, as I am a. unemployed and b. really, really not important. In fact, the only people bbm-ing and/or texting me are usually asking what time I’ll be home or what my evening plans are. (College).

Chalk it up to great branding or just our generation, but everyone seems obsessed with new media, including me.


She was kind enough to include a link on her blog to mine, although she did so by referring to me as her "writing nemesis." Now I have since included her blog both here and on the link list to the right (it's called "stopping to smell the roses"), but not simply to reciprocate the favor. I actually really enjoy reading what she has to say.

While she might refer to me as her "writing nemesis", I, in many ways, tend to view her writing as the female version of mine. For starters, whereas I wrote the "He Said" portion of the "He Said/She Said" column in our college newspaper, she wrote the "She Said" portion the following year. Furthermore, whereas I like to write about guy stuff like sports, poop, and bacon, she likes to write about chick lit, yoga, and femi-nazis like NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

So to the 6 or so female readers out there that like my writing but can't handle all the macho-bravado sports talk all of the time, give her blog a shot.

The Reverse Double Take

Disney, my employer, is one of the 5 or 6 conglomerates that control the media in our country. Ever since good old Walt came up with Mickey Mouse, the Disney corporation has been the leader when it comes to animation. As time passed the company became more and more influencial. So influencial in fact, that even when another company, Pixar, set a new standard in animation, Disney just flexed their muscles and swallowed them up for a mere $7.4 billion. Now when it comes to their movies, the Disney corporation is no saint. I'm sure you've heard about all sorts of "adult" bloopers that are interspersed in the children's films.

In case you've been living under a rock here are just two of many examples

1.) The Lion King (1994)



2.) The Little Mermaid (1989)



Now I bring up Disney and their animated films because a friend and I recently somehow ended up talking about the 1992 classic Aladdin. My friend proceeded to tell me about who Disney decided to model the main characters (Aladdin and Jasmine) after, how the portrayal of the rest of their Arabic characters was racist, etc.

When I heard about who Disney modeled Aladdin after, I wasn't the least surprised.



Tom Cruise was a budding, if not an already bonified, Hollywood star back in 1992. He was young, he was good looking, and he had already received critical acclaim for his work in Risky Business (1983), Top Gun (1986), Cocktail (1988), Born on the Fourth of July (1989), Rainman (1988), and Days of Thunder (1990). It makes perfect sense for Disney to have modeled their main character after him.

Now when my friend told me who they modeled Jasmine after, I was shocked.



In case you aren't sure, that's Jennifer Connelly. She's a second, maybe third tier Hollywood actress, who as far as I can tell was hardly on the scene back in 1992 when Aladdin came out.

This move seemed to completely buck the trend of Disney's past precedent. Back in the '50's they modeled their animated characters after some of Hollywood's most vibrant stars.

For example:

Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty (1959) was modeled after Audrey Hepburn



And Tinkerbell from Peter Pan (1953) was modeled after Marilyn Monroe



But back to Connelly's lack of media exposure in the late '80's and early '90s. Maybe I'm missing something big, but to that point in time she was only in one movie that I remember (Rocketeer(1991)). Since then she's had a pretty decent string of succeess. She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 2002 for her role in A Beautiful Mind. She was also quite good in Blood Diamond (2006). It was one of those cases where the female lead somehow got hotter and hotter as the movie went along. A little bit like Vera Farmiga in The Departed (2006) except Connelly is more naturally attractive. Now let's say I'm way off base and Connelly was in 1992 what Megan Fox is today, am I crazy or is there no resemblance between her and Jasmine?