Monday night was the premiere of The Jay Leno Show on NBC at 10 p.m. and even though Jerry Seinfeld was his first guest I didn't watch it. I was at work and didn't bother recording it because I've never really been much of a late night talk show sort of person. In highschool I was either in bed or spitting some awful game to girls via AIM by the time Leno/Letterman were on. In college I was usually awake at 11:30 p.m., but my natural inclination towards politics made me a regular viewer of the Colbert Report as opposed to Leno/Letterman.
Even though it was slotted against Monday Night Football, The Jay Leno Show apparently still got a good number in terms of ratings. One person who did tune in, a loyal reader named Justin from Long Island, made sure that I watched the following clip.
First of all, this guy should have looked real familiar to you (we'll get to more on this in a minute). Secondly, his name is Dan Finnerty (I hope and pray that he is somehow related to the ultimate Fairfield lax bro Brendan)and the name of the group is "The Dan Band", which may or may not be the greatest band name of all time. In fact, I'm selfish enough that if I was ever in a band I'd definitely push for the same name.
In the beginning of the video they show a couple of people saying no to the "free entertainment" which I assume is supposed to suggest that these were actual people and not actors, but I'm not convinced. The girl that says ok to the "free entertainment" has little to no reaction at all during the entire performance. How is she not uncontrollably laughing/getting weirded out? I'm convinced that she either has incredible composure or no emotional capacity whatsoever.
My favorite part of the video, aside from the two backup guys who are hysterical, is how he asks this unfazed chick a number of questions throughout his performance, but only puts the microphone in front of her mouth for a split second before continuing with his lyrics. I don't think she answers a single question mid-song.
Also, is he the perfect amount of creepy, or what? He's not too invasive, but he would certainly make any human being with emotions slightly uncomfortable.
Ok, now if you haven't figured out where you've seen this guy before then you either have the memory of a fish or you haven't seen some of the funniest movies of the decade.
Finnerty first came onto the scene as the wedding singer at the beginning of Old School (2003). The movie was so funny that his part is probably not what you first remember, but there's no way that you've ever listened to this song the same way again.
Finnerty followed that up with a role as the Bat Mitzvah singer in Starsky & Hutch (2004). What he says after the song and Vince Vaughn's subsequent reaction is definitely the best part.
Most recently, Finnerty appeared as the wedding singer in the 2009 comedy The Hangover.
If I had to classify Finnerty (and I don't because who cares what I think) I'd say he's probably a C or D list celebrity. He's almost a modern day Weird Al Yankovic. Case in point, here he is performing Alanis Morissette's song "You Oughta Know".
Finnerty and The Dan Band are great for an hour or so of entertainment, but like Frank Caliendo, they are a novelty act. If you've seen what they do once, you've seen it a thousand times.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Hate List
Last night I was searching online for books that twenty somethings would enjoy (if you have any suggestions let me know) and after I read through a couple of lists it hit me. When's the last time you sat down and actually wrote out a list of any kind? A "to do" list, a grocery list, whatever. Maybe it's that everyone spends all day on their blackberry or that no one has the time, but I feel like lists have become outdated. This, to me anyway, is rather unfortunate because lists can be very helpful. Lists help you remember things. For example, before I went to the grocery store the other day I looked through my kitchen to see what I needed. Aside from the usual items I told myself that I needed new ice trays. Now I'm way too confident in my memory to write out a grocery list, but sure enough when I got back I had forgotten to get new ice trays. It seems trivial and it kind of is because I don't really need ice trays at all, but that feeling when you realize that you forgot something is one that I don't enjoy.
As I got to thinking about lists I was reminded of one that a girl from my high school made a few years back. In the About Me section of her Facebook page she created a list of things that she hates; a "hate" list. For the record, it was more of a pet peeve list, but hate sounds much cooler. She still has the "hate" list up and running and updates it every once in a while. A few examples from her list are: ipod walkers, wet dogs, clouds, seaweed, and widescreen dvds. Now this of course got me thinking of the things that I hate. We'll start with an item from her list that I hate as well.
1.) One word text messages-I have a friend who's notorious for texting people the letter "o" as in "oh" and for angrily texting question marks when someone doesn't respond to a previous text within 10 minutes. Similarily can we please stop texting "k" and "ya" to one another? I mean, I guess the previous texter sometimes deserves a little bit of the blame for posing a simple yes or no question, but would it kill us to write "ok sounds good/ok will do" and "yeah that's right" instead?
2.) Women that keep their maiden name- This, to me, is the ultimate slap in the face. Marriage is a commitment and if you can't sacrifice your maiden name, then why even bother getting married in the first place? When a man asks you to marry him and you say yes, you know going in that it's expected of you to take his last name as your own. Don't get on your high horse like a raging feminist and think about keeping your maiden name in any capacity. This hyphenated shit is out of control. I mean, if you keep your maiden name or try this hyphenated nonsense things will get real messy when you have kids.
3.) Cigarette smoking- This is my number one pet peeve. I can't figure out why twenty somethings smoke cigs. Not only is it extremely unhealthy, it's unattractive. Did the D.A.R.E campaign teach my peers nothing?
I give people above the age of 40 a pass for smoking cigarettes because back then they didn't know how bad they were for their lungs, but kids my age have no excuse for their chain smoking. Cigarette smoking also bothers me because it leads to cigarette breaks. For example, a girl I work with takes about 5 cigarrette breaks per shift. If the workload picks up she "can't handle it" and needs the stress relief of a cig.
It should be noted that I'm no saint when it comes to smoking. I smoke the occasional cigar and hookah, but I would guess that I do about as much harm to my lungs in a year that the average smoker does in a week.
4.) Drew Barrymore- She's unattractive and annoying.
5.) People that wait at a 4-way stop sign until an oncoming car comes to a complete stop before they go- I guess it doesn't hurt to be better safe than sorry, but come onnnn. Isn't it a bit over cautious to assume that everyone is going to blow right through a stop sign?
6.) Pocket dialing- A friend from highschool that I virtually never speak to must have pocket dialed me 15 times in June/July. I answered the first few times thinking he had something relevant to tell me, but all I heard was mumbled conversation. The next few times I just silenced the calls and moved on with my life. Then I started hitting ignore and calling him right back, but he never answered. Then one time I answered, hung up and sent him a text that said, "Dude, what's goin on here? You keep pocket dialing me?" He responded by saying, "No I didn't. I just wanted to see how youre doing." I was literally stunned. This clown had been pocket dialing me for a month and when I called him out on it he tried to play it off like he was trying to keep in touch. Un-beeeee-lievvvv-able. Sure enough I got two more pocket calls from him later that week.
7.) Touchdown. Commercial. Kickoff. Commercial.- There are plenty of enough natural breaks in a football game (touchdowns/field goals, changes of possession, timeouts, the end of quarters, and the two minute warnings) for commercials.
8.) The word "cliche"- I have a long standing belief that the word "cliche" is overused. To me, it's a catchy word that every kid in America thought was cool to say. "That's so cliche." "What a cliche answer." etc. I also hate unoriginal (cliche) romantic notions like asking a girl out/to marry you on Valentine's Day/New Year's Eve. I must say, however, that the greatest advice I've ever given was when I told a friend to break up with his long term girlfriend at 11:50 on December 31st by saying that he wanted to start the new year off right.
9.) People that smack their lips when they eat- A few of my former roommates smacked their lips so loud when they ate that I couldn't function within a 20 foot radius of them. Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive about the issue because my brother and I used to yell at each other for doing it as kids at the dinner table, but it's like nails on a chalk board to me now.
10.) The "Happy Bday (Insert name here)" Facebook wall post- If you know someone well enough to write a happy birthday message on their Facebook wall then take a little time and think of something else to say other than just "Happy Bday (Insert name here)"
Now I'll continually update this list whenever I think of more things that I hate. Suggestions are welcome.
As I got to thinking about lists I was reminded of one that a girl from my high school made a few years back. In the About Me section of her Facebook page she created a list of things that she hates; a "hate" list. For the record, it was more of a pet peeve list, but hate sounds much cooler. She still has the "hate" list up and running and updates it every once in a while. A few examples from her list are: ipod walkers, wet dogs, clouds, seaweed, and widescreen dvds. Now this of course got me thinking of the things that I hate. We'll start with an item from her list that I hate as well.
1.) One word text messages-I have a friend who's notorious for texting people the letter "o" as in "oh" and for angrily texting question marks when someone doesn't respond to a previous text within 10 minutes. Similarily can we please stop texting "k" and "ya" to one another? I mean, I guess the previous texter sometimes deserves a little bit of the blame for posing a simple yes or no question, but would it kill us to write "ok sounds good/ok will do" and "yeah that's right" instead?
2.) Women that keep their maiden name- This, to me, is the ultimate slap in the face. Marriage is a commitment and if you can't sacrifice your maiden name, then why even bother getting married in the first place? When a man asks you to marry him and you say yes, you know going in that it's expected of you to take his last name as your own. Don't get on your high horse like a raging feminist and think about keeping your maiden name in any capacity. This hyphenated shit is out of control. I mean, if you keep your maiden name or try this hyphenated nonsense things will get real messy when you have kids.
3.) Cigarette smoking- This is my number one pet peeve. I can't figure out why twenty somethings smoke cigs. Not only is it extremely unhealthy, it's unattractive. Did the D.A.R.E campaign teach my peers nothing?
I give people above the age of 40 a pass for smoking cigarettes because back then they didn't know how bad they were for their lungs, but kids my age have no excuse for their chain smoking. Cigarette smoking also bothers me because it leads to cigarette breaks. For example, a girl I work with takes about 5 cigarrette breaks per shift. If the workload picks up she "can't handle it" and needs the stress relief of a cig.
It should be noted that I'm no saint when it comes to smoking. I smoke the occasional cigar and hookah, but I would guess that I do about as much harm to my lungs in a year that the average smoker does in a week.
4.) Drew Barrymore- She's unattractive and annoying.
5.) People that wait at a 4-way stop sign until an oncoming car comes to a complete stop before they go- I guess it doesn't hurt to be better safe than sorry, but come onnnn. Isn't it a bit over cautious to assume that everyone is going to blow right through a stop sign?
6.) Pocket dialing- A friend from highschool that I virtually never speak to must have pocket dialed me 15 times in June/July. I answered the first few times thinking he had something relevant to tell me, but all I heard was mumbled conversation. The next few times I just silenced the calls and moved on with my life. Then I started hitting ignore and calling him right back, but he never answered. Then one time I answered, hung up and sent him a text that said, "Dude, what's goin on here? You keep pocket dialing me?" He responded by saying, "No I didn't. I just wanted to see how youre doing." I was literally stunned. This clown had been pocket dialing me for a month and when I called him out on it he tried to play it off like he was trying to keep in touch. Un-beeeee-lievvvv-able. Sure enough I got two more pocket calls from him later that week.
7.) Touchdown. Commercial. Kickoff. Commercial.- There are plenty of enough natural breaks in a football game (touchdowns/field goals, changes of possession, timeouts, the end of quarters, and the two minute warnings) for commercials.
8.) The word "cliche"- I have a long standing belief that the word "cliche" is overused. To me, it's a catchy word that every kid in America thought was cool to say. "That's so cliche." "What a cliche answer." etc. I also hate unoriginal (cliche) romantic notions like asking a girl out/to marry you on Valentine's Day/New Year's Eve. I must say, however, that the greatest advice I've ever given was when I told a friend to break up with his long term girlfriend at 11:50 on December 31st by saying that he wanted to start the new year off right.
9.) People that smack their lips when they eat- A few of my former roommates smacked their lips so loud when they ate that I couldn't function within a 20 foot radius of them. Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive about the issue because my brother and I used to yell at each other for doing it as kids at the dinner table, but it's like nails on a chalk board to me now.
10.) The "Happy Bday (Insert name here)" Facebook wall post- If you know someone well enough to write a happy birthday message on their Facebook wall then take a little time and think of something else to say other than just "Happy Bday (Insert name here)"
Now I'll continually update this list whenever I think of more things that I hate. Suggestions are welcome.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Looking Back at Last Weekend
I’ve been in a fantasy football league with my friends from highschool for the past 9 years. Back in January a few of my friends decided that we should get together for a weekend in late August for our draft. The thought was, if we start this fantasy football guy’s weekend tradition now, in 10 years when we’re married with kids we can tell our wives that it’s something that we’ve always done and that will make it harder for them to prevent us from going. Also, a few of us have moved away from the city of hopes and dreams (Syracuse) so it would be nice to get together for a weekend to catch up, play golf, etc. Thankfully my friends had the foresight to plan this weekend back in January because it gave me a chance to request the weekend off from work (I work on weekends). Once we decided on the weekend we then had to decide on where to go. There was talk of Vegas, Florida, and Arizona, but low and behold we ended up in Ocean City, NJ because our friend Browny’s parents have a summer house there. Clutch not to have to pay for an airline ticket and a hotel.
As part of the weekend, my buddy Alex, who lives in Baltimore, started looking for golf courses in the area that we could play. It should be noted that Alex and Browny really championed the whole fantasy weekend idea. Now Alex, who works for M&T Bank, also runs a few sports websites in his free time. One of them is a sports handicapping site and for the life of me I can’t figure out why anyone would pay money to get Alex’s picks, especially because he occasionally asks me who I like in certain games, but apparently the site is profitable. The other site is more of a sports information, blog type deal. Now what you have to understand about Alex is that he is probably the most persuasive kid in America. I mean, he could probably convince a prostitute to pay him for sex. Okay, maybe not, but the kid is incredibly talented. He called up this real nice course in Ocean City (the #3 ranked course in NJ) and told them that he has this website and that he was going to be in the area in late August and would love to write a feature on the course if they gave him and his friends a discount on the greens fees. The course usually costs about $100 to play on a Friday morning, but they agreed to let us play for $25 each. They schedule our tee time for 8:20 a.m.
In the weeks leading up to the Ocean City weekend, Alex sent me a number of emails asking if I’d be interested in helping him write the feature on the course. There was no way I could say no after he saved me $75 so we tossed a few ideas back and forth and finally decided on a retrospective diary. I know ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons just unveiled a retrospective diary about his fantasy football draft weekend with his friends in Vegas, but that had no bearing on this post. I have the emails to prove it. I won’t get into what happened during our draft because it would take too long, but let’s just say there was an awkward moment involving girlfriends and blowjobs.
So last Wednesday I find out that my friends aren’t getting to Browny’s Ocean City house until 11 p.m. on Thursday and I have to make it there at some point because of our early tee time. It just so happens that Thursday is my cousin’s birthday so instead of sitting around in Hartford all day (which is what I usually do) I decide to meet him in NYC for dinner with his parents and girlfriend. I drive to my cousin’s apartment in Hoboken, NJ (my halfway point on the long trek to Ocean City) and take the PATH into the city from there. This is what happened from that point until the end of our golf round on Friday.
6:01- After circling the block five times I finally park my car right in front of my cousin’s apartment. Thankfully I didn’t have to parallel park, or else I might have been there all night.
6:03- My cousin calls to check on my status. It strikes me that on a day that I should be going out of my way to get in contact with him, he has IMed, texted, and called me. All I did was write a message on his Facebook wall. So much for being the best man at his wedding....
6:06- I creepily get changed while still in the driver’s seat of my car.
6:35- I get off the subway at 23rd and 6th. The restaurant is located on 22nd and 3rd, but I, of course, have no clue which direction that is. I follow my instincts and make a right.
6:39- After walking down what seems like the longest city block of all time I see a street sign that says, “7th Street.” Fuck!! I had gone in the wrong direction. Is it just me, or should there be signs when you exit the subway that tell you which direction to walk?
6:40- Instead of stopping in my tracks and turning around, I avoid the embarassment and casually turn onto 7th and then take the next street, which thankfully turns out to be 22nd, back in the right direction.
6:47- I finally meet my cousin on a street corner. He tells me that his parents are already in the restaurant waiting for us.
6:52- We meet up with my cousin’s girlfriend. I’m sweating profusely. She must think I just ran the NYC marathon. God bless her soul, she hugs me hello anyway.
7:02- We have an awkward run in with a girl we all knew in college. My cousin’s girlfriend does most of the talking, while me, my cousin, and this girl’s boyfriend just stand there waiting for the conversation to end.
7:07- We enter the Irish pub and although I’ve never been there, I feel like I’m in Ireland. For some reason there’s sawdust all over the floor. Without missing a beat, my uncle orders me a beer, a Guinness of course.
7:22- Our waiter, who has a thick Irish brogue, gives me a death stare after I order my corned beef sandwich on white instead of the traditional rye. What can I say? I’m only 50% Irish.
7:36- Round 2 of Guinness for my uncle, cousin, and me.
7:55- Our waiter tells us that he’s a 64 year old great-grandfather. I immediately start doing the math in my head and conclude that either his daughter or granddaughter must have given birth around the age of 12. Why was he so forthright with this information?
8:08- Our waiter brings over a bottle of Jameson and pours each of us a shot.
8:08:30- I take a whiff of my shot. Bad idea. My cousin rips his.
8:09- I man up and slam mine. I feel a slight warming sensation go through my body. A few new hairs sprout on my chest. Thankfully my corned beef sandwich stays down.
8:17- My Uncle asks if I want another Guinness. Can’t say no, right?
9:40- My cousin, his girlfriend, and I make it back to Hoboken and decide to meet a bunch of our friends at a non-descript bar for a drink to celebrate my cousin’s birthday.
10:15- I leave the bar because I still have a 2 and half hour drive ahead of me.
10:18- New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain walks into the bar that I had just left. My cousin and his girlfriend, who like Joba is from Nebraska, talk to Joba for a solid 20-25 minutes. If I was there I would have asked him either why he wears his hat with a flat brim or why the Yankees are babying him.
10:30- I’m lost and driving through Journal Square and Jersey City. Not nice neighborhoods.
11:20- I finally make it to the Garden State Parkway. Only 90 miles to go.
12:18- I go through another toll where I’m required to throw exactly $1 in change into a bin before I can proceed. I’m running low on quarters and have to dig for five dimes.
12:48- I finally make it to Browny’s house and all of my friends are sitting around the TV watching the Syracuse v. UConn 6 OT from this year’s Big East Tournament. I’m not surprised at all.
1:10- The four of us golfing at the crack of dawn the next day decide on teams. It’s Alex and Mikey vs. Hermo and me.
1:45- We finally all decide to go to sleep. I have been assigned to sleep in the master bedroom with Browny. Although the bathroom has ‘his’ and ‘her’ sinks, we take turns.
1:58- I think we are just going right to sleep because I have to wake up in 5 hours, but Browny and I start up a conversation. Somehow we end up playing a fascinating game. One of us would say the name of someone that we went to high school with and the other would have to say what they thought that person was doing at that exact moment. For example, I said Andy Whackel. Browny then said that on Thursday night at 2 a.m. the Whack Attack was in his parents basement, 7 red bulls deep, playing a version of Halo that hasn’t been released yet.
2:35- The conversation eventually dwindles down and I get some shut eye for the big golf match in the morning.
6:58- I get a text from Mikey that reads, “Now on the tee, from Fairfield, CT….” Even though I live in Hartford, I still appreciate his enthusiasm.
7:00- My alarm goes off. I notice Browny is no longer in the enormous bed. Why he's up that early, I dont know. Maybe he's just really excited for our fantasy draft that night.
7:31- Alex, Mikey, Hermo, and I pile into my car and head for Twisted Dunes Golf Course. It looks like it’s about to downpour.
7:42- The Arabic men working at Dunkin Donuts can’t understand us and we can’t understand them. The only one that makes any sense just repeatedly asks us if we want “HOT OR ICE COFFEE? HOT OR ICE??” After a lot of pointing and gesticulating they get 3 out of the 4 of our orders correct. Not bad considering, I guess.
7:55- We pull into Twisted Dunes and I cruise right past the bag drop while scanning for the clubhouse.
7:57- As Hermo, Alex, and I are putting on our golf shoes (Mikey is a sneakers guy) a man pulls up on a cart and takes our four bags for us.
8:00- We enter the clubhouse and pay our $25 for the round. I half expect the employees to give us a look like “These are the writers that we gave a discount to?” but they are over the top nice. Alex and Mikey each also buy a bucket of range balls. Hermo and I proclaim that we are cold turkey players.
8:02- Mikey, thinking that his coffee has run right through him, enters the bathroom. It’s a false alarm.
8:04- Back at my car, I mention how it looks like it’s going to rain for days. Mikey mentions that the guy in the clubhouse said that it’s going to blow right over. I say that every guy in the clubhouse says that, but Mikey assures me that this guy wasn’t just saying it because he was watching the Doppler.
8:06- Mikey, Hermo, and I walk over to the bag drop and try to figure out how much we should tip the guy that grabbed our clubs for us. In an unprecedented move, Mikey takes command and tips the guy $4.
8:10- As Mikey and Alex make their way to the range, it starts to rain. It gets pretty aggressive rather quickly so the Twisted Dunes staff directs us into the cart barn.
8:20- It looks like sheets of rain are falling from the sky as our tee time passes.
8:22- Perhaps a little too into guy’s weekend, Alex suggests for the second time that we run 200 yards through the rain and get an alcoholic drink at the clubhouse.
8:32- Alex sticks his 9-Iron up in the air outside the back of the cart barn as if it’s a lightning rod. I wonder what would happen if the club was actually struck with a bolt of lightning. It’s metal and all, but there’s also a rubber grip that he's holding onto. My parents always used to tell me that cars were a safe place to be during a thunderstorm because of the rubber tires. So I’m curious to know how much protection, if any, the rubber would provide him with? Food for thought, I guess.
8:45- No signs of this monsoon letting up.
9:00- Apparently the guy in the clubhouse wasn’t just saying that it was going to blow over because the rain is magically gone.
9:02- Alex persuades the starter to let us start out on the back.
9:08- Alex tosses a tee up in the air to determine what order we will tee off in. Mikey sprays way right. I don’t go as far right, but I still have to take a drop. Alex’s ball doesn’t get airborne and ends up in the thick brush right in front of us. Hermo does the same. We are all thankful that no one was watching.
9:10- Twisted Dunes must have a really nice drainage system because the fairways are in very good condition. The only problem is the sand traps. They are exquisite and high arcing, but because of this the rain has left puddles in them all. Because none of us are really any good at golf and the puddles are out of control we decide to give ourselves free drops out of the sand for the entirety of the round. This decision surely shaves at least 10 strokes of our scorecards.
9:18- Mikey’s bogey on the 10th wins them the hole
9:38- After a par that squared our match on 12, I have the honors at the par-3 13th. The hole is about 175 yards away and there is water basically everywhere you look, especially all along the right hand side. I grab my 4-iron, close my eyes, and somehow end up on the back of the enormous green.
9:39- After Mikey parks one in the sand trap just to the left of the green, Hermo takes out his 6-iron and goes pin hunting. Off the club his ball is slightly left of the pin but is slowly fading right. We all think it’s going to go in the hole, but it fades a little too much and splashes into the water. For some reason I nominate it for the shot of the day.
9:40- Alex’s turn- Splash. Hermo hits another one just for fun and again it’s right at the pin, but splash. Just a little long. I make a joke about how his forearms got so strong.
9:50- With the water now on my right on the 14th I hook my drive about a mile left. I’m now onto sleeve #2 of golf balls.
9:58- Hermo sticks his second shot onto the green from about 210 yards out. Probably the actual shot of the day, but he would 3 putt for bogey.
10:02- Somehow Mikey scales a 30 foot dune and finds his ball. He then hits a ridiculous shot that lands just off the green.
10:58- I open sleeve #3
11:09- Mikey finds himself on the top of another incredibly high and steep dune. Hermo, an 8th/9th grade teacher, tells him to be careful.
11:20- After nine holes we are all square. Mikey, Alex, and I run in to get a quick bite at the turn.
11:22- The girl working the food stand thinks she’s a lot more attractive than she is. I detect a hint of Jersey ‘tude and I don’t like it.
11:23- I’m astounded at how big the hot dogs are. Joey Chestnut might struggle to down 10 of these bad boys. I slobber mine with mustard and relish and try to forget about the 51 I just had on the front.
11:34- Hermo and I both reach the 1st green in regulation, but my birdie putt goes about 15 feet past the hole. Don’t ask me how I managed that. Hermo’s birdie chance isn’t much better. We both finish with three putt bogeys, but still win the hole.
11:52- I open sleeve #4
11:56- Alex says, “Man, these dunes are twisted,” for the 8th time.
12:05- Another three putt bogey for Hermo. His 3rd of the day. I can’t really say much though because he is carrying our team on the back nine.
12:20- I mistakenly pick up Alex's ball. Once I become aware of my mistake I throw his ball right back to where it was.
12:24- Alex duffs his shot, but hits again on the grounds that I in some way messed with his rhythm. His second shot ends up about 1 foot from the hole.
12:36- Hermo and I are up two holes with 4 holes to play. I lose my drive and subsequent 3rd shot out of play. I’m banking on Hermo again, but after a good drive he falls apart and puts a 9 on the board.
12:44- After another drive of mine goes awry I throw my driver as if it’s an odd occurrence to see my ball not go straight.
12:46- After a few hours of open sky, it starts to drizzle once again.
12:49- Alex sinks a 15 foot putt for par and our match is now tied with two holes to play.
12:52- As we approach the 8th hole (a par-3) we see a woman sitting in a chair right by the tee box. She looks and acts exactly like our friend RJ’s mom. She starts to tell us about this absurd promotion, but Alex quickly tells her to just stop talking and explains that we are in a heated battle. I even go as far as to ask her to look away while I tee off because I can’t handle the audience.
12:56- About 5 times throughout our round, someone had stolen honors and hit a nice tee shot, so I quickly commandeer the tee box, but I hit my tee shot into a bush just to the right of the green.
12:57- Mikey ends up short and left of the green, Hermo parks his shot on the dance floor, and Alex goes well short and in some thick brush.
1:01- Hermo, the king of the three putts all day, two putts for par and puts the pressure on Mikey.
1:02- With the rain starting to pick up, Mikey yanks his 8 foot par putt left. Hermo and I now have them stymied with only one hole to play.
1:05- As we ride over to the 9th hole it starts to rain like it did when we were in the cart barn. RJ’s mom has long since packed it up and headed for cover.
1:06- Alex is saying that we should man up and play in the rain, but it’s really coming down so we call it a day and head back in. In retrospect, it would have been a much better story if we had stuck it out and finished, but this rain was ferocious.
1:10- Although we were one up with one hole to play, Hermo and I can’t claim victory because we didn’t finish the round. We don’t even really care because at this point we just want to get dry, drunk, and our fantasy draft started.
1:34- As we get back, I tell Alex, Mikey, and Hermo to get their Dunkin Donuts trash out of my car, but no one as much as flinches.
1:36- In the course of picking up all the trash myself, I grab an iced coffee container that is about a quarter of the way full and it spills all over my chest. For some reason I blame Hermo even though he is the only one that didn’t have coffee.
As part of the weekend, my buddy Alex, who lives in Baltimore, started looking for golf courses in the area that we could play. It should be noted that Alex and Browny really championed the whole fantasy weekend idea. Now Alex, who works for M&T Bank, also runs a few sports websites in his free time. One of them is a sports handicapping site and for the life of me I can’t figure out why anyone would pay money to get Alex’s picks, especially because he occasionally asks me who I like in certain games, but apparently the site is profitable. The other site is more of a sports information, blog type deal. Now what you have to understand about Alex is that he is probably the most persuasive kid in America. I mean, he could probably convince a prostitute to pay him for sex. Okay, maybe not, but the kid is incredibly talented. He called up this real nice course in Ocean City (the #3 ranked course in NJ) and told them that he has this website and that he was going to be in the area in late August and would love to write a feature on the course if they gave him and his friends a discount on the greens fees. The course usually costs about $100 to play on a Friday morning, but they agreed to let us play for $25 each. They schedule our tee time for 8:20 a.m.
In the weeks leading up to the Ocean City weekend, Alex sent me a number of emails asking if I’d be interested in helping him write the feature on the course. There was no way I could say no after he saved me $75 so we tossed a few ideas back and forth and finally decided on a retrospective diary. I know ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons just unveiled a retrospective diary about his fantasy football draft weekend with his friends in Vegas, but that had no bearing on this post. I have the emails to prove it. I won’t get into what happened during our draft because it would take too long, but let’s just say there was an awkward moment involving girlfriends and blowjobs.
So last Wednesday I find out that my friends aren’t getting to Browny’s Ocean City house until 11 p.m. on Thursday and I have to make it there at some point because of our early tee time. It just so happens that Thursday is my cousin’s birthday so instead of sitting around in Hartford all day (which is what I usually do) I decide to meet him in NYC for dinner with his parents and girlfriend. I drive to my cousin’s apartment in Hoboken, NJ (my halfway point on the long trek to Ocean City) and take the PATH into the city from there. This is what happened from that point until the end of our golf round on Friday.
6:01- After circling the block five times I finally park my car right in front of my cousin’s apartment. Thankfully I didn’t have to parallel park, or else I might have been there all night.
6:03- My cousin calls to check on my status. It strikes me that on a day that I should be going out of my way to get in contact with him, he has IMed, texted, and called me. All I did was write a message on his Facebook wall. So much for being the best man at his wedding....
6:06- I creepily get changed while still in the driver’s seat of my car.
6:35- I get off the subway at 23rd and 6th. The restaurant is located on 22nd and 3rd, but I, of course, have no clue which direction that is. I follow my instincts and make a right.
6:39- After walking down what seems like the longest city block of all time I see a street sign that says, “7th Street.” Fuck!! I had gone in the wrong direction. Is it just me, or should there be signs when you exit the subway that tell you which direction to walk?
6:40- Instead of stopping in my tracks and turning around, I avoid the embarassment and casually turn onto 7th and then take the next street, which thankfully turns out to be 22nd, back in the right direction.
6:47- I finally meet my cousin on a street corner. He tells me that his parents are already in the restaurant waiting for us.
6:52- We meet up with my cousin’s girlfriend. I’m sweating profusely. She must think I just ran the NYC marathon. God bless her soul, she hugs me hello anyway.
7:02- We have an awkward run in with a girl we all knew in college. My cousin’s girlfriend does most of the talking, while me, my cousin, and this girl’s boyfriend just stand there waiting for the conversation to end.
7:07- We enter the Irish pub and although I’ve never been there, I feel like I’m in Ireland. For some reason there’s sawdust all over the floor. Without missing a beat, my uncle orders me a beer, a Guinness of course.
7:22- Our waiter, who has a thick Irish brogue, gives me a death stare after I order my corned beef sandwich on white instead of the traditional rye. What can I say? I’m only 50% Irish.
7:36- Round 2 of Guinness for my uncle, cousin, and me.
7:55- Our waiter tells us that he’s a 64 year old great-grandfather. I immediately start doing the math in my head and conclude that either his daughter or granddaughter must have given birth around the age of 12. Why was he so forthright with this information?
8:08- Our waiter brings over a bottle of Jameson and pours each of us a shot.
8:08:30- I take a whiff of my shot. Bad idea. My cousin rips his.
8:09- I man up and slam mine. I feel a slight warming sensation go through my body. A few new hairs sprout on my chest. Thankfully my corned beef sandwich stays down.
8:17- My Uncle asks if I want another Guinness. Can’t say no, right?
9:40- My cousin, his girlfriend, and I make it back to Hoboken and decide to meet a bunch of our friends at a non-descript bar for a drink to celebrate my cousin’s birthday.
10:15- I leave the bar because I still have a 2 and half hour drive ahead of me.
10:18- New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain walks into the bar that I had just left. My cousin and his girlfriend, who like Joba is from Nebraska, talk to Joba for a solid 20-25 minutes. If I was there I would have asked him either why he wears his hat with a flat brim or why the Yankees are babying him.
10:30- I’m lost and driving through Journal Square and Jersey City. Not nice neighborhoods.
11:20- I finally make it to the Garden State Parkway. Only 90 miles to go.
12:18- I go through another toll where I’m required to throw exactly $1 in change into a bin before I can proceed. I’m running low on quarters and have to dig for five dimes.
12:48- I finally make it to Browny’s house and all of my friends are sitting around the TV watching the Syracuse v. UConn 6 OT from this year’s Big East Tournament. I’m not surprised at all.
1:10- The four of us golfing at the crack of dawn the next day decide on teams. It’s Alex and Mikey vs. Hermo and me.
1:45- We finally all decide to go to sleep. I have been assigned to sleep in the master bedroom with Browny. Although the bathroom has ‘his’ and ‘her’ sinks, we take turns.
1:58- I think we are just going right to sleep because I have to wake up in 5 hours, but Browny and I start up a conversation. Somehow we end up playing a fascinating game. One of us would say the name of someone that we went to high school with and the other would have to say what they thought that person was doing at that exact moment. For example, I said Andy Whackel. Browny then said that on Thursday night at 2 a.m. the Whack Attack was in his parents basement, 7 red bulls deep, playing a version of Halo that hasn’t been released yet.
2:35- The conversation eventually dwindles down and I get some shut eye for the big golf match in the morning.
6:58- I get a text from Mikey that reads, “Now on the tee, from Fairfield, CT….” Even though I live in Hartford, I still appreciate his enthusiasm.
7:00- My alarm goes off. I notice Browny is no longer in the enormous bed. Why he's up that early, I dont know. Maybe he's just really excited for our fantasy draft that night.
7:31- Alex, Mikey, Hermo, and I pile into my car and head for Twisted Dunes Golf Course. It looks like it’s about to downpour.
7:42- The Arabic men working at Dunkin Donuts can’t understand us and we can’t understand them. The only one that makes any sense just repeatedly asks us if we want “HOT OR ICE COFFEE? HOT OR ICE??” After a lot of pointing and gesticulating they get 3 out of the 4 of our orders correct. Not bad considering, I guess.
7:55- We pull into Twisted Dunes and I cruise right past the bag drop while scanning for the clubhouse.
7:57- As Hermo, Alex, and I are putting on our golf shoes (Mikey is a sneakers guy) a man pulls up on a cart and takes our four bags for us.
8:00- We enter the clubhouse and pay our $25 for the round. I half expect the employees to give us a look like “These are the writers that we gave a discount to?” but they are over the top nice. Alex and Mikey each also buy a bucket of range balls. Hermo and I proclaim that we are cold turkey players.
8:02- Mikey, thinking that his coffee has run right through him, enters the bathroom. It’s a false alarm.
8:04- Back at my car, I mention how it looks like it’s going to rain for days. Mikey mentions that the guy in the clubhouse said that it’s going to blow right over. I say that every guy in the clubhouse says that, but Mikey assures me that this guy wasn’t just saying it because he was watching the Doppler.
8:06- Mikey, Hermo, and I walk over to the bag drop and try to figure out how much we should tip the guy that grabbed our clubs for us. In an unprecedented move, Mikey takes command and tips the guy $4.
8:10- As Mikey and Alex make their way to the range, it starts to rain. It gets pretty aggressive rather quickly so the Twisted Dunes staff directs us into the cart barn.
8:20- It looks like sheets of rain are falling from the sky as our tee time passes.
8:22- Perhaps a little too into guy’s weekend, Alex suggests for the second time that we run 200 yards through the rain and get an alcoholic drink at the clubhouse.
8:32- Alex sticks his 9-Iron up in the air outside the back of the cart barn as if it’s a lightning rod. I wonder what would happen if the club was actually struck with a bolt of lightning. It’s metal and all, but there’s also a rubber grip that he's holding onto. My parents always used to tell me that cars were a safe place to be during a thunderstorm because of the rubber tires. So I’m curious to know how much protection, if any, the rubber would provide him with? Food for thought, I guess.
8:45- No signs of this monsoon letting up.
9:00- Apparently the guy in the clubhouse wasn’t just saying that it was going to blow over because the rain is magically gone.
9:02- Alex persuades the starter to let us start out on the back.
9:08- Alex tosses a tee up in the air to determine what order we will tee off in. Mikey sprays way right. I don’t go as far right, but I still have to take a drop. Alex’s ball doesn’t get airborne and ends up in the thick brush right in front of us. Hermo does the same. We are all thankful that no one was watching.
9:10- Twisted Dunes must have a really nice drainage system because the fairways are in very good condition. The only problem is the sand traps. They are exquisite and high arcing, but because of this the rain has left puddles in them all. Because none of us are really any good at golf and the puddles are out of control we decide to give ourselves free drops out of the sand for the entirety of the round. This decision surely shaves at least 10 strokes of our scorecards.
9:18- Mikey’s bogey on the 10th wins them the hole
9:38- After a par that squared our match on 12, I have the honors at the par-3 13th. The hole is about 175 yards away and there is water basically everywhere you look, especially all along the right hand side. I grab my 4-iron, close my eyes, and somehow end up on the back of the enormous green.
9:39- After Mikey parks one in the sand trap just to the left of the green, Hermo takes out his 6-iron and goes pin hunting. Off the club his ball is slightly left of the pin but is slowly fading right. We all think it’s going to go in the hole, but it fades a little too much and splashes into the water. For some reason I nominate it for the shot of the day.
9:40- Alex’s turn- Splash. Hermo hits another one just for fun and again it’s right at the pin, but splash. Just a little long. I make a joke about how his forearms got so strong.
9:50- With the water now on my right on the 14th I hook my drive about a mile left. I’m now onto sleeve #2 of golf balls.
9:58- Hermo sticks his second shot onto the green from about 210 yards out. Probably the actual shot of the day, but he would 3 putt for bogey.
10:02- Somehow Mikey scales a 30 foot dune and finds his ball. He then hits a ridiculous shot that lands just off the green.
10:58- I open sleeve #3
11:09- Mikey finds himself on the top of another incredibly high and steep dune. Hermo, an 8th/9th grade teacher, tells him to be careful.
11:20- After nine holes we are all square. Mikey, Alex, and I run in to get a quick bite at the turn.
11:22- The girl working the food stand thinks she’s a lot more attractive than she is. I detect a hint of Jersey ‘tude and I don’t like it.
11:23- I’m astounded at how big the hot dogs are. Joey Chestnut might struggle to down 10 of these bad boys. I slobber mine with mustard and relish and try to forget about the 51 I just had on the front.
11:34- Hermo and I both reach the 1st green in regulation, but my birdie putt goes about 15 feet past the hole. Don’t ask me how I managed that. Hermo’s birdie chance isn’t much better. We both finish with three putt bogeys, but still win the hole.
11:52- I open sleeve #4
11:56- Alex says, “Man, these dunes are twisted,” for the 8th time.
12:05- Another three putt bogey for Hermo. His 3rd of the day. I can’t really say much though because he is carrying our team on the back nine.
12:20- I mistakenly pick up Alex's ball. Once I become aware of my mistake I throw his ball right back to where it was.
12:24- Alex duffs his shot, but hits again on the grounds that I in some way messed with his rhythm. His second shot ends up about 1 foot from the hole.
12:36- Hermo and I are up two holes with 4 holes to play. I lose my drive and subsequent 3rd shot out of play. I’m banking on Hermo again, but after a good drive he falls apart and puts a 9 on the board.
12:44- After another drive of mine goes awry I throw my driver as if it’s an odd occurrence to see my ball not go straight.
12:46- After a few hours of open sky, it starts to drizzle once again.
12:49- Alex sinks a 15 foot putt for par and our match is now tied with two holes to play.
12:52- As we approach the 8th hole (a par-3) we see a woman sitting in a chair right by the tee box. She looks and acts exactly like our friend RJ’s mom. She starts to tell us about this absurd promotion, but Alex quickly tells her to just stop talking and explains that we are in a heated battle. I even go as far as to ask her to look away while I tee off because I can’t handle the audience.
12:56- About 5 times throughout our round, someone had stolen honors and hit a nice tee shot, so I quickly commandeer the tee box, but I hit my tee shot into a bush just to the right of the green.
12:57- Mikey ends up short and left of the green, Hermo parks his shot on the dance floor, and Alex goes well short and in some thick brush.
1:01- Hermo, the king of the three putts all day, two putts for par and puts the pressure on Mikey.
1:02- With the rain starting to pick up, Mikey yanks his 8 foot par putt left. Hermo and I now have them stymied with only one hole to play.
1:05- As we ride over to the 9th hole it starts to rain like it did when we were in the cart barn. RJ’s mom has long since packed it up and headed for cover.
1:06- Alex is saying that we should man up and play in the rain, but it’s really coming down so we call it a day and head back in. In retrospect, it would have been a much better story if we had stuck it out and finished, but this rain was ferocious.
1:10- Although we were one up with one hole to play, Hermo and I can’t claim victory because we didn’t finish the round. We don’t even really care because at this point we just want to get dry, drunk, and our fantasy draft started.
1:34- As we get back, I tell Alex, Mikey, and Hermo to get their Dunkin Donuts trash out of my car, but no one as much as flinches.
1:36- In the course of picking up all the trash myself, I grab an iced coffee container that is about a quarter of the way full and it spills all over my chest. For some reason I blame Hermo even though he is the only one that didn’t have coffee.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
College Football Preview
I've had the football itch for a few weeks now, but yesterday I was so amped up that I almost speared everyone in sight. Yesterday was the first semi-cool, Fall-like day around here and football was most definitely in the air. The long wait is finally over as the college football slate officially kicks off tomorrow night with a handful of games. The biggest being #16 Oregon traveling to Idaho to take on #14 Boise State on the blue turf.
Now I personally could care less about these games tomorrow night, but it's great to have football back in my life. The two teams that I genuinely care about (Notre Dame and Syracuse)kick off their seasons on Saturday.
And now a preview of the Irish and the Orange:
Notre Dame
Last season the Irish followed up their historically bad '07 campaign, in which they went 3-9, with what I thought was a rather unimpressive 7-6 season. They did blow the doors off of Hawaii in the Hawaii bowl to notch their first bowl win since '93, but they lost too many games that they should have won. In fact, they lost 3 games in which they had a double digit lead, including their senior day game at home to Syracuse.
This year Notre Dame returns 17 starters (10 on offense) and has a schedule that looks like this. Hopes are high in South Bend this year (Well, not exactly I guess) for a return to national prominence. Coach Charlie Weis seems to be on the hot seat unless he makes it to a BCS game.
Offense
Gone are the days where the Irish lined up and ran the ball down their opponents throats, but nevertheless the Notre Dame offense should be explosive this year. The abysmal running game of the past two years should improve with a more cohesive offensive line and a more experienced backfield led by Armando Allen and Robert Hughes. Also, Junior Quarterback Jimmy Clausen, once heralded as the savior of the Fighting Irish program, is poised to finally reach his potential and have a monster season.
Clausen's assumed success is largely based on three factors. Charlie Weis has re-assumed the play calling duties (screens & draws). The ND receiving corps is one of the best in the nation with Junior WR Golden Tate, Sophomore WR Michael Flloyd, and Sophomore TE Kyle Rudolph. And it appears that Clausen has matured. In an effort to get a few steps ahead in terms of familiarity, timing and camraderie, Clausen invited his three top targets out to his parents' house in California for a week this summer. A year ago I would have assumed that they all went to Clausen's house to represent ND Athletes in the Beer Olympics or to ride some killer waves, but I've heard that the week was virtually all business.
Defense
We lost a lot of good men out there from a year ago (LB Maurice Crum, Jr., S David Bruton, DT Pat Kuntz), but there is plenty of young talent ready to emerge. Everyone is saying that the strength of the Notre Dame defense is their secondary, yet no one is talking about what I believe to be the elephant in the room. Both of ND's safeties are white! Sure Kyle McCarthy and Harrison Smith are aggressive tacklers, but do you trust them in the Cover 2 against Damian Williams? I don't. The reason I'm not nervous about the defense this year is because of freshman LB Manti Te'o. Te'o, who is from Hawaii (Fun fact- He went to the same highschool as President Obama), is the most hyped Notre Dame defensive recruit since Kory Minor back in the early 90's. I can't wait to see this kid fly all over the field and wreak havoc on opposing offenses.
Prediction
Even though ESPN College Football Analysts Lou Holtz and Beano Cook have the Irish going 11-1 and playing for the National title, I think they'll find a way to beat USC, but still lose 2 games. 10-2 will get them to a BCS game and keep Charlie Weis employed for a more legitimate run at the national title in '10.
Syracuse
Boy has it been a wild off season in the city of hopes and dreams. From the end of the Greg Robinson experience to the media circus that is the Greg Paulus experiment. The Orange have really struggled in the past 4 years going 10-37, but for whatever reason there's that sense of hope surrounding the program this year. New Head Coach Doug Marrone seems to be the right man for the job. He played at Syracuse. He wants to be at Syracuse. He bleeds Orange. Marrone's former stint was as the Offensive Coordinator of the New Orleans Saints so the thought is that he'll be able to light a fire in the Orange offense.
Offense
Aside from the story that has kept the national media's attention on the 'Cuse, which we'll get to in a minute, there's a lot to like. First off, addition by subtraction on the offensive line. Waste of space/talent Corey Chavers will no longer be giving defensive ends free passes to the QB, so that's a plus. Star WR Mike Williams is back after missing all of last season because of an academic issue. Also returning is highly touted RB Delone Carter who smells the endzone like a dog who can smell whether or not a tree has been urinated on recently.
Now toss in the former Gatorade National High School Player of the Year Greg Paulus at Quarterback. Sure the former Duke point guard hasn't taken a snap in over four years, but back then he could have gone to any school in the country and played quarterback. It's gotta be like riding a bike, right? Hell, Paulus was rated right up there with New York Jets starting QB Mark Sanchez. The feel good story even has a hometown angle. Paulus is from Syracuse and two of his former highschool targets are WR's for the Orange. How can this go wrong? Either way, the Orange faithful are buzzing with excitement to see what Paulus can do.
This is the shirt they've been selling in the campus bookstore. Oh, how witty.
In case you don't get it, here's an explanation of the two-pronged reference.
1.) The Devil because he was a Duke Blue Devil (and, not for nothing, largely considered the most hated player in college basketball)
and
2.) The Devil Wears Orange being a play on the Movie/Book title The Devil Wears Prada.
Defense
The Defense is led by the most disruptive force this side of the Mississippi: Arthur Jones. Jones is hungry for some sacks in his senior season and you better believe that he's going to eat. ESPN's Mel Kiper Jr. has Jones as the 12th best prospect for next year's NFL Draft and after the season he's about to have he'll probably go 1st. Assuming anyone gets past Arty (and I doubt that anyone will), former RB Doug Hogue will clean up the mess with his speed at outside linebacker. Also, if Arty can't get to the QB in time, expect FS Mike Holmes to patrol the middle and neutralize the opponents' passing game.
Prediction
Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into the Loud House and pushes the Orange around. Minnesota better stay at home on Saturday because they don't even know what's going to hit them. Honestly, best case scenario is probably 6-6, but that would be a bowl game and that would be awesome.
Now I personally could care less about these games tomorrow night, but it's great to have football back in my life. The two teams that I genuinely care about (Notre Dame and Syracuse)kick off their seasons on Saturday.
And now a preview of the Irish and the Orange:
Notre Dame
Last season the Irish followed up their historically bad '07 campaign, in which they went 3-9, with what I thought was a rather unimpressive 7-6 season. They did blow the doors off of Hawaii in the Hawaii bowl to notch their first bowl win since '93, but they lost too many games that they should have won. In fact, they lost 3 games in which they had a double digit lead, including their senior day game at home to Syracuse.
This year Notre Dame returns 17 starters (10 on offense) and has a schedule that looks like this. Hopes are high in South Bend this year (Well, not exactly I guess) for a return to national prominence. Coach Charlie Weis seems to be on the hot seat unless he makes it to a BCS game.
Offense
Gone are the days where the Irish lined up and ran the ball down their opponents throats, but nevertheless the Notre Dame offense should be explosive this year. The abysmal running game of the past two years should improve with a more cohesive offensive line and a more experienced backfield led by Armando Allen and Robert Hughes. Also, Junior Quarterback Jimmy Clausen, once heralded as the savior of the Fighting Irish program, is poised to finally reach his potential and have a monster season.
Clausen's assumed success is largely based on three factors. Charlie Weis has re-assumed the play calling duties (screens & draws). The ND receiving corps is one of the best in the nation with Junior WR Golden Tate, Sophomore WR Michael Flloyd, and Sophomore TE Kyle Rudolph. And it appears that Clausen has matured. In an effort to get a few steps ahead in terms of familiarity, timing and camraderie, Clausen invited his three top targets out to his parents' house in California for a week this summer. A year ago I would have assumed that they all went to Clausen's house to represent ND Athletes in the Beer Olympics or to ride some killer waves, but I've heard that the week was virtually all business.
Defense
We lost a lot of good men out there from a year ago (LB Maurice Crum, Jr., S David Bruton, DT Pat Kuntz), but there is plenty of young talent ready to emerge. Everyone is saying that the strength of the Notre Dame defense is their secondary, yet no one is talking about what I believe to be the elephant in the room. Both of ND's safeties are white! Sure Kyle McCarthy and Harrison Smith are aggressive tacklers, but do you trust them in the Cover 2 against Damian Williams? I don't. The reason I'm not nervous about the defense this year is because of freshman LB Manti Te'o. Te'o, who is from Hawaii (Fun fact- He went to the same highschool as President Obama), is the most hyped Notre Dame defensive recruit since Kory Minor back in the early 90's. I can't wait to see this kid fly all over the field and wreak havoc on opposing offenses.
Prediction
Even though ESPN College Football Analysts Lou Holtz and Beano Cook have the Irish going 11-1 and playing for the National title, I think they'll find a way to beat USC, but still lose 2 games. 10-2 will get them to a BCS game and keep Charlie Weis employed for a more legitimate run at the national title in '10.
Syracuse
Boy has it been a wild off season in the city of hopes and dreams. From the end of the Greg Robinson experience to the media circus that is the Greg Paulus experiment. The Orange have really struggled in the past 4 years going 10-37, but for whatever reason there's that sense of hope surrounding the program this year. New Head Coach Doug Marrone seems to be the right man for the job. He played at Syracuse. He wants to be at Syracuse. He bleeds Orange. Marrone's former stint was as the Offensive Coordinator of the New Orleans Saints so the thought is that he'll be able to light a fire in the Orange offense.
Offense
Aside from the story that has kept the national media's attention on the 'Cuse, which we'll get to in a minute, there's a lot to like. First off, addition by subtraction on the offensive line. Waste of space/talent Corey Chavers will no longer be giving defensive ends free passes to the QB, so that's a plus. Star WR Mike Williams is back after missing all of last season because of an academic issue. Also returning is highly touted RB Delone Carter who smells the endzone like a dog who can smell whether or not a tree has been urinated on recently.
Now toss in the former Gatorade National High School Player of the Year Greg Paulus at Quarterback. Sure the former Duke point guard hasn't taken a snap in over four years, but back then he could have gone to any school in the country and played quarterback. It's gotta be like riding a bike, right? Hell, Paulus was rated right up there with New York Jets starting QB Mark Sanchez. The feel good story even has a hometown angle. Paulus is from Syracuse and two of his former highschool targets are WR's for the Orange. How can this go wrong? Either way, the Orange faithful are buzzing with excitement to see what Paulus can do.
This is the shirt they've been selling in the campus bookstore. Oh, how witty.
In case you don't get it, here's an explanation of the two-pronged reference.
1.) The Devil because he was a Duke Blue Devil (and, not for nothing, largely considered the most hated player in college basketball)
and
2.) The Devil Wears Orange being a play on the Movie/Book title The Devil Wears Prada.
Defense
The Defense is led by the most disruptive force this side of the Mississippi: Arthur Jones. Jones is hungry for some sacks in his senior season and you better believe that he's going to eat. ESPN's Mel Kiper Jr. has Jones as the 12th best prospect for next year's NFL Draft and after the season he's about to have he'll probably go 1st. Assuming anyone gets past Arty (and I doubt that anyone will), former RB Doug Hogue will clean up the mess with his speed at outside linebacker. Also, if Arty can't get to the QB in time, expect FS Mike Holmes to patrol the middle and neutralize the opponents' passing game.
Prediction
Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into the Loud House and pushes the Orange around. Minnesota better stay at home on Saturday because they don't even know what's going to hit them. Honestly, best case scenario is probably 6-6, but that would be a bowl game and that would be awesome.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Moving On
As I've previously mentioned, we Americans are officially in "back to school/can't wait for football season to start" mode. Even though this is the second year in a row that I won't be going to school it still seems like it was only yesterday that I was an awkward, angst ridden 18-year-old getting ready to go to college. Back then I was both a little nervous about the next chapter of my life as well as a little excited about the prospect of a four year beer flowing free for all.
A major part of getting ready for college for me was purchasing a computer. Don't ask me why, but for whatever reason back in 2004 I had my mind dead set on a desktop. Maybe it was because I felt a certain level of comfort after using them my entire life. Or maybe it was because I didn't think I'd be able to adjust to computing without a mouse. Or maybe it was because my 3 older brothers had all gotten a desktop when they were in my shoes. I don't know, but a desktop is what I wanted. With that choice already made I went online and built the computer that would get me through my college years. I picked all the cool features that I wanted, grabbed my dad's credit card, and had it shipped to my house.
As you can imagine, I was thrilled when my new computer finally arrived. With help from my brother, I immediately began putting everything together. A few minutes in I noticed something was very wrong. Even though I was convinced that I had ordered a 17inch flat screen monitor, Dell shipped me something that looked more like this. I was appalled. There was no way I could show up to college with that monstrosity. Thankfully a hundred bucks and a few weeks later my problem was resolved. Just in time for my college debut.
When I showed up on that first day I was happy to see that my cousin and roommate also decided to go the desktop route. Little did we know that we were in the overwhelming minority among our classmates. I mean, who would have guessed that laptops would really come into their own in the mid '00's? Also, before I continue, am I the only one that consistently forgets that the proper term is laptops and not labtops? Just me? Ok, whatever.
Outside of being forced to use Word Perfect because I failed to fit my computer with Microsoft Office, my first two years of college went by fine, computer wise. I lived in a dorm both my freshman and sophomore years, so my desktop was hardly a hinderence.
Things changed during my last two years as an undergrad. For example, my cousin and I were in a class together senior year that was essentially a semester long group project. Group project necessitate group meetings. And group meetings usually necessitate laptops. Therefore if the meeting wasn't at our house, we couldn't exactly roll our desktops over and help out. This became a running joke throughout the semester, but we didn't really care because without our computers we didn't have to do much work on the project.
Now at the beginning of this year, my old trusty desktop started to rapidly decline in performance. I'd turn it on and before it would start up a blue screen would appear and I'd have to hold the power button and try it again. After a while I started to get more and more frustrated with the machine so I began looking for a new computer (a laptop). I had many discussions with my old roommate and computer geek Matty K about what specifications I should get. I didn't really follow much of the computer jargon, so I just had the K Man do all the work and then I entered my credit card information and bought the thing.
I got my new computer in late June and it was great. I loved everything about it. From the portability to the speed of the processor, it was everything that I had hoped for. Then all of a sudden one day last week Windows wouldn't start. I must have restarted it and tried the repair start up function about 15 times, but I still got nothing. Back in college the old joke whenever someone had computer problems was, "It's probably all that porn you have on there," but let the record show that my new computer had yet to see a naked body (except of course for the Erin Andrews video).
With nowhere else to turn, I brought my new computer to the Geek Squad at my local Best Buy. After an hour and a half of tests the geeks gave up. Unable to help me, they referred me to Dell. I spent a solid hour on the phone trying to troubleshoot with a man in India. He instructed me to run a series of tests (probably the same tests the Geek Squad tried) and then to literally use a screwdriver and take the machine apart. Finally he decided that my hard drive, which again, was no more than six weeks old, was shot. Dell sent me a new one, but I lost all of my files and folders.
Needless to say, in the 4-5 days I was without my new computer I dusted off my old relic of a machine and suffered through blue screens, waited for pages to load, etc. Although using my old clunker tested my patience, it was a welcome trip down memory lane. I read my old documents, looked through my old pictures, and browsed my old favorites. It was almost like a last hurrah, if you will. My desktop had gotten me this far, but it was time to go in a new direction. I had to move on and take the next step.
We all deal with the fact that we are getting older in different ways. It's something we don't like thinking about, but certain events (usually birthdays, anniversaries, and New Year's Eve) remind us that time is, in fact, surging ahead. Evidently for me, one of those events is getting a new computer. Now that I have my new computer back I think I've finally accepted the fact that I'm no longer a college student and I have transitioned into the next chapter of my life. Too sappy? Probably, but I'm ok with it.
A major part of getting ready for college for me was purchasing a computer. Don't ask me why, but for whatever reason back in 2004 I had my mind dead set on a desktop. Maybe it was because I felt a certain level of comfort after using them my entire life. Or maybe it was because I didn't think I'd be able to adjust to computing without a mouse. Or maybe it was because my 3 older brothers had all gotten a desktop when they were in my shoes. I don't know, but a desktop is what I wanted. With that choice already made I went online and built the computer that would get me through my college years. I picked all the cool features that I wanted, grabbed my dad's credit card, and had it shipped to my house.
As you can imagine, I was thrilled when my new computer finally arrived. With help from my brother, I immediately began putting everything together. A few minutes in I noticed something was very wrong. Even though I was convinced that I had ordered a 17inch flat screen monitor, Dell shipped me something that looked more like this. I was appalled. There was no way I could show up to college with that monstrosity. Thankfully a hundred bucks and a few weeks later my problem was resolved. Just in time for my college debut.
When I showed up on that first day I was happy to see that my cousin and roommate also decided to go the desktop route. Little did we know that we were in the overwhelming minority among our classmates. I mean, who would have guessed that laptops would really come into their own in the mid '00's? Also, before I continue, am I the only one that consistently forgets that the proper term is laptops and not labtops? Just me? Ok, whatever.
Outside of being forced to use Word Perfect because I failed to fit my computer with Microsoft Office, my first two years of college went by fine, computer wise. I lived in a dorm both my freshman and sophomore years, so my desktop was hardly a hinderence.
Things changed during my last two years as an undergrad. For example, my cousin and I were in a class together senior year that was essentially a semester long group project. Group project necessitate group meetings. And group meetings usually necessitate laptops. Therefore if the meeting wasn't at our house, we couldn't exactly roll our desktops over and help out. This became a running joke throughout the semester, but we didn't really care because without our computers we didn't have to do much work on the project.
Now at the beginning of this year, my old trusty desktop started to rapidly decline in performance. I'd turn it on and before it would start up a blue screen would appear and I'd have to hold the power button and try it again. After a while I started to get more and more frustrated with the machine so I began looking for a new computer (a laptop). I had many discussions with my old roommate and computer geek Matty K about what specifications I should get. I didn't really follow much of the computer jargon, so I just had the K Man do all the work and then I entered my credit card information and bought the thing.
I got my new computer in late June and it was great. I loved everything about it. From the portability to the speed of the processor, it was everything that I had hoped for. Then all of a sudden one day last week Windows wouldn't start. I must have restarted it and tried the repair start up function about 15 times, but I still got nothing. Back in college the old joke whenever someone had computer problems was, "It's probably all that porn you have on there," but let the record show that my new computer had yet to see a naked body (except of course for the Erin Andrews video).
With nowhere else to turn, I brought my new computer to the Geek Squad at my local Best Buy. After an hour and a half of tests the geeks gave up. Unable to help me, they referred me to Dell. I spent a solid hour on the phone trying to troubleshoot with a man in India. He instructed me to run a series of tests (probably the same tests the Geek Squad tried) and then to literally use a screwdriver and take the machine apart. Finally he decided that my hard drive, which again, was no more than six weeks old, was shot. Dell sent me a new one, but I lost all of my files and folders.
Needless to say, in the 4-5 days I was without my new computer I dusted off my old relic of a machine and suffered through blue screens, waited for pages to load, etc. Although using my old clunker tested my patience, it was a welcome trip down memory lane. I read my old documents, looked through my old pictures, and browsed my old favorites. It was almost like a last hurrah, if you will. My desktop had gotten me this far, but it was time to go in a new direction. I had to move on and take the next step.
We all deal with the fact that we are getting older in different ways. It's something we don't like thinking about, but certain events (usually birthdays, anniversaries, and New Year's Eve) remind us that time is, in fact, surging ahead. Evidently for me, one of those events is getting a new computer. Now that I have my new computer back I think I've finally accepted the fact that I'm no longer a college student and I have transitioned into the next chapter of my life. Too sappy? Probably, but I'm ok with it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Speaking of Seinfeld moments.....
What are the odds that I would come across this story from The Des Moines Register only a day after my last post? Before we get to the article, let the record show that I do not routinely browse The Des Moines Register. This story was linked to from a sports blog that I frequent.
'Seinfeld' joke gets man canned for harassment
By CLARK KAUFFMAN • ckauffman@dmreg.com • August 23, 2009
A Cedar Falls man who repeated a gag from the "Seinfeld" show while at work has been fired for sexual harassment.
It's the second case of an Iowan being fired for harassment stemming from an episode of the popular comedy series.
In the most recent case, John Preston and several of his co-workers at the Brain Injury Association of Iowa attended an outdoor retreat in July 2008. During the event, one of the female workers told her colleagues that whenever she or her husband sneezed, the other would respond by saying, "You are so good looking."
For the rest of the retreat, Preston and other workers adopted the routine. It was derived from an episode of "Seinfeld" in which the characters use the phrase "You are so good looking" in place of "God bless you."
According to a subsequent report by the association's executive director, Geoffrey Lauer, part of the retreat was held in an area near fields of blooming plants. "As a result, there was a somewhat higher than normal incidence of sneezing by agency staff," Lauer wrote.
A week after the retreat, Preston allegedly sent the female worker who initiated the joke a series of e-mails in which he reiterated that she was good looking.
The woman complained to her superiors, and Preston was cautioned about such comments. A few weeks later, Preston allegedly stopped the woman in a hallway at work and massaged her shoulders while speaking to her. That generated another complaint, and early this year Preston confronted the woman at a work-related event.
Preston was then fired for sexual harassment. At a hearing last week on Preston's claim for unemployment benefits, his attorney, Bradley Strouse, questioned Lauer at length on the origins of the "good looking" remark.
"It was, in fact, a 'Seinfeld' reference?" Strouse asked.
"Yes," Lauer replied.
Preston testified that he meant no harm by repeating the phrase. "It was just a continuation of that joke," he said.
He was denied unemployment benefits. -Let me quickly point out that this dude was pretty creepy and definitely deserved to get canned.
The case is similar to the 2004 firing of Ronald Knight, who worked as a manager at the Fareway grocery store in Shenandoah. Knight allegedly told a female subordinate that he had heard she was drunk and running naked through the streets the previous night. He also implied that her forgetfulness was due to lack of sex, and he telephoned her at home and asked what she was wearing.
Knight claimed that he was simply repeating comments heard on a "Seinfeld" show and that the remarks were made in jest. He was denied unemployment benefits. -Again, the punishment fits the crime.
In a 1992 Wisconsin case, Miller Brewing Co. fired one of its executives, Jerold Mackenzie, for an incident that stemmed from a "Seinfeld" episode.
Mackenzie had told his secretary about a show in which a woman was described by the series' characters as having a name that rhymed with part of the female anatomy. The woman was named Delores, and because Mackenzie was too embarrassed to tell his secretary what that rhymed with, he showed her the word in a dictionary.
After he was fired for sexual harassment, Mackenzie sued Miller Brewing Co. and his former secretary. The jury didn't believe the secretary felt harassed and awarded Mackenzie $1.5 million in damages, plus $25 million for unrelated claims. The verdict was appealed and eventually the entire jury award was set aside. - Oh, sweet justice.
'Seinfeld' joke gets man canned for harassment
By CLARK KAUFFMAN • ckauffman@dmreg.com • August 23, 2009
A Cedar Falls man who repeated a gag from the "Seinfeld" show while at work has been fired for sexual harassment.
It's the second case of an Iowan being fired for harassment stemming from an episode of the popular comedy series.
In the most recent case, John Preston and several of his co-workers at the Brain Injury Association of Iowa attended an outdoor retreat in July 2008. During the event, one of the female workers told her colleagues that whenever she or her husband sneezed, the other would respond by saying, "You are so good looking."
For the rest of the retreat, Preston and other workers adopted the routine. It was derived from an episode of "Seinfeld" in which the characters use the phrase "You are so good looking" in place of "God bless you."
According to a subsequent report by the association's executive director, Geoffrey Lauer, part of the retreat was held in an area near fields of blooming plants. "As a result, there was a somewhat higher than normal incidence of sneezing by agency staff," Lauer wrote.
A week after the retreat, Preston allegedly sent the female worker who initiated the joke a series of e-mails in which he reiterated that she was good looking.
The woman complained to her superiors, and Preston was cautioned about such comments. A few weeks later, Preston allegedly stopped the woman in a hallway at work and massaged her shoulders while speaking to her. That generated another complaint, and early this year Preston confronted the woman at a work-related event.
Preston was then fired for sexual harassment. At a hearing last week on Preston's claim for unemployment benefits, his attorney, Bradley Strouse, questioned Lauer at length on the origins of the "good looking" remark.
"It was, in fact, a 'Seinfeld' reference?" Strouse asked.
"Yes," Lauer replied.
Preston testified that he meant no harm by repeating the phrase. "It was just a continuation of that joke," he said.
He was denied unemployment benefits. -Let me quickly point out that this dude was pretty creepy and definitely deserved to get canned.
The case is similar to the 2004 firing of Ronald Knight, who worked as a manager at the Fareway grocery store in Shenandoah. Knight allegedly told a female subordinate that he had heard she was drunk and running naked through the streets the previous night. He also implied that her forgetfulness was due to lack of sex, and he telephoned her at home and asked what she was wearing.
Knight claimed that he was simply repeating comments heard on a "Seinfeld" show and that the remarks were made in jest. He was denied unemployment benefits. -Again, the punishment fits the crime.
In a 1992 Wisconsin case, Miller Brewing Co. fired one of its executives, Jerold Mackenzie, for an incident that stemmed from a "Seinfeld" episode.
Mackenzie had told his secretary about a show in which a woman was described by the series' characters as having a name that rhymed with part of the female anatomy. The woman was named Delores, and because Mackenzie was too embarrassed to tell his secretary what that rhymed with, he showed her the word in a dictionary.
After he was fired for sexual harassment, Mackenzie sued Miller Brewing Co. and his former secretary. The jury didn't believe the secretary felt harassed and awarded Mackenzie $1.5 million in damages, plus $25 million for unrelated claims. The verdict was appealed and eventually the entire jury award was set aside. - Oh, sweet justice.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Six Levels of the Male Friendship
In the past 12 months the word "bromance" has really come into its own. All of a sudden everyone has become very interested in the underlying dynamics of male friendships. We even saw the very underrated movie I Love You, Man, which was based entirely on the origins of a so-called "bromance." Now for the life of me I can't figure out why people became so enamored with male friendships in the first place. I mean we, men, are simple beings. There's no false advertising going on here. We like sports, women, beer, and power. That's really about it. Similarly male friendships, or "bromances", at least among twenty somethings are also very simple. They tend to follow a linear and logical progression.
Level One- You are in the same network, whether it be the same college or the same workplace, and you are aware that each other exists. When you come across one another you most likely make rash, negative judgments about the other like, "That kid is such a loser. I bet he brings nothing to the table. I can't believe [insert female's name here] hooked up with him."
Level Two- You meet and begrudgingly realize that neither of you are total d-bags. You have a few civil conversations, but still somewhat resent each other for something. (i.e. hooking up with a girl, being super athletic, etc.)
Level Three- You're friends with each others friends. You say what's up when you see each other. You might have a few inside jokes, but you basically repeat them every time you see each other. You aren't calling each other to hang out, but it's cool to see one another out. In fact, you aren't calling each other unless it's to play pickup basketball or something like that. You might go on Spring Break together, but only if it is a large group. Also, you might be on the same softball team.
Level Four- You're essentially in the same social circle, but you would never hang out together unless others from the group were present. For example, you'd golf together in a foursome, but you probably wouldn't ride in the same cart. You'd go to one another's house with the guys to watch the big game. You also might be in the same fantasy football league. Basically if you took alcohol and sports out of the equation you probably wouldn't speak to one another.
Level Five- You might be roommates. It wouldn't be weird to have a one on one man date for lunch. You are go-to drinking buddies and by default go-to wingmen. You give each other's girlfriend the kiss hello. You have each other's back-which means you're both ready to throw down and fight even if you are outnumbered and know the only reason you're fighting is because the other instigated everything with his loud mouth. If a Vegas trip was in the works, you'd want each other to be a part of it. You'd gladly help one another fix a flat tire and other manly stuff of that sort.
Level Six- You know each other's family and friends from home very well. You regularly keep in touch. You'd feel obligated to help one another move. You'd pick up/drop each other off at the airport. Somehow, someway you end up having heart to hearts about your careers/girls/etc. You'd let them date your sister. You'd undoubtedly be in each other's wedding parties.
This entire train of thought was triggered in my head last week when an old college buddy of mine picked me up from the airport in Chicago. He isn't a level six friend (he's about a five), but him picking me up was a level six move. Now you may disagree with my levels and that's fine with me. It's not like they are strict guidelines like the twelve steps of a recovering alcoholic. You don't have to accomplish everything listed in one level to move on to the next. But I do think they are a fairly good measure of how the male friendship develops.
Furthermore, most of you are aware that I have a particular fascination with the former NBC television series Seinfeld. I'm convinced that something happens to me at least once a week that directly relates to something that happened in one of the 180 episodes of the show. These Seinfeld moments are what I live for. Now my buddy picking me up from the airport wasn't exactly a Seinfeld moment, but it did remind me of this scene.
[phone rings]
JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE: Who was that?
JERRY: That was Keith.
ELAINE: What's going on?
JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?
JERRY: You know, furniture.
ELAINE: So, what did you say?
JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step in the male relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for…
JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: What's going on?
JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
JERRY: … I said yes.
KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!
KRAMER: yeah yeah
JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favor.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
Sure enough, there's another Seinfeld scene that also relates to my different levels of friendship notion. Jerry and Elaine have been chosen to be the Godparents of a couple's baby, but they question the closeness of their relationship with the couple because they feel uncomfortable about the bris.
JERRY: How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?
ELAINE: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
JERRY: Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE: What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
JERRY: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
ELAINE: Yes it is level jumping.
Level One- You are in the same network, whether it be the same college or the same workplace, and you are aware that each other exists. When you come across one another you most likely make rash, negative judgments about the other like, "That kid is such a loser. I bet he brings nothing to the table. I can't believe [insert female's name here] hooked up with him."
Level Two- You meet and begrudgingly realize that neither of you are total d-bags. You have a few civil conversations, but still somewhat resent each other for something. (i.e. hooking up with a girl, being super athletic, etc.)
Level Three- You're friends with each others friends. You say what's up when you see each other. You might have a few inside jokes, but you basically repeat them every time you see each other. You aren't calling each other to hang out, but it's cool to see one another out. In fact, you aren't calling each other unless it's to play pickup basketball or something like that. You might go on Spring Break together, but only if it is a large group. Also, you might be on the same softball team.
Level Four- You're essentially in the same social circle, but you would never hang out together unless others from the group were present. For example, you'd golf together in a foursome, but you probably wouldn't ride in the same cart. You'd go to one another's house with the guys to watch the big game. You also might be in the same fantasy football league. Basically if you took alcohol and sports out of the equation you probably wouldn't speak to one another.
Level Five- You might be roommates. It wouldn't be weird to have a one on one man date for lunch. You are go-to drinking buddies and by default go-to wingmen. You give each other's girlfriend the kiss hello. You have each other's back-which means you're both ready to throw down and fight even if you are outnumbered and know the only reason you're fighting is because the other instigated everything with his loud mouth. If a Vegas trip was in the works, you'd want each other to be a part of it. You'd gladly help one another fix a flat tire and other manly stuff of that sort.
Level Six- You know each other's family and friends from home very well. You regularly keep in touch. You'd feel obligated to help one another move. You'd pick up/drop each other off at the airport. Somehow, someway you end up having heart to hearts about your careers/girls/etc. You'd let them date your sister. You'd undoubtedly be in each other's wedding parties.
This entire train of thought was triggered in my head last week when an old college buddy of mine picked me up from the airport in Chicago. He isn't a level six friend (he's about a five), but him picking me up was a level six move. Now you may disagree with my levels and that's fine with me. It's not like they are strict guidelines like the twelve steps of a recovering alcoholic. You don't have to accomplish everything listed in one level to move on to the next. But I do think they are a fairly good measure of how the male friendship develops.
Furthermore, most of you are aware that I have a particular fascination with the former NBC television series Seinfeld. I'm convinced that something happens to me at least once a week that directly relates to something that happened in one of the 180 episodes of the show. These Seinfeld moments are what I live for. Now my buddy picking me up from the airport wasn't exactly a Seinfeld moment, but it did remind me of this scene.
[phone rings]
JERRY: hello. Oh, hi. What's happening? … what? oh um, sure, … um, yeah, okay, uh. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, Bye.
ELAINE: Who was that?
JERRY: That was Keith.
ELAINE: What's going on?
JERRY: He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE: Help him move? Move what?
JERRY: You know, furniture.
ELAINE: So, what did you say?
JERRY: I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step in the male relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way.
ELAINE: And you feel you're not really ready for…
JERRY: Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
[Kramer enters]
KRAMER: What's going on?
JERRY: Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
KRAMER: What? Well, you hardly know the guy…. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?
JERRY: … I said yes.
KRAMER: YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?
JERRY: I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!
KRAMER: yeah yeah
JERRY: hey Kramer do me a favor.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Don't mention it to anybody.
KRAMER: I wish you never mentioned it to ME. [exits]
Sure enough, there's another Seinfeld scene that also relates to my different levels of friendship notion. Jerry and Elaine have been chosen to be the Godparents of a couple's baby, but they question the closeness of their relationship with the couple because they feel uncomfortable about the bris.
JERRY: How did I get to be Godfather? I don't even know him that well. Just cause we're on the softball team and I'm the pitcher and he's the catcher he thinks we have a relationship?
ELAINE: I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.
JERRY: Maybe in hardball it's more involved you know they have signals and everything. I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE: What about me? I watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.
JERRY: Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
ELAINE: Yes it is level jumping.
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