Holidays

Halloween post college is largely overrated. Sure, you can still attend costume parties and have a good time, but the cons definitely outweigh the pros. First of all, you have to think of a costume that is relatively unique, but also not too hard to figure out. If you’re a witch, convict, pumpkin, sports figure that was in the news for all of the wrong reasons (Kobe after the rape charges, a Duke Lacrosse player, Michael Vick after the dog scandal, Joe Paterno, Bobby Petrino, etc.), Santa Claus, or Quail Man from Nickelodeon’s Doug you simply aren’t trying. I’m certainly no expert, but my old standbys (Dr. Pepper, Axl Rose, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez) aren’t bad.

Forget about the costume, what was the best part about Halloween as a kid? The candy. As a twenty something you definitely can’t trick-or-treat and you shouldn’t really be eating candy anyway, so half of the luster of Halloween is gone right there. Throw in the fact that the weather sucks and Halloween is a lot of hype and not a lot of delivery.

Just because I’m not a huge Halloween guy doesn’t mean that I don’t like holidays. In fact, here are my top 5.

1.) Thanksgiving



It’s about family, eating, football, napping, and getting hammered. What’s not to like? The most underrated part about Thanksgiving is that it’s always on a Thursday, so the schedule for the week is usually the same. Everyone can go out hard on Wednesday (best drinking night of the year), you can play touch football the day before or the day of, and everyone has Friday off so the party keeps going as long as the leftovers.

2.) Fourth of July



For starters, I love America, so I take celebrating our independence pretty seriously. The 4th is a day to drink, have a barbecue, honor the flag, watch baseball, and enjoy some fireworks. The early to mid-summer temperature makes the 4th the best holiday by far weather wise.

3.) Christmas



Christmas is a lot like Thanksgiving except presents are involved, so the initial thought is to elevate December 25th over Turkey Day, but doing so would be wrong. There’s a lot to love about Christmas (presents, family, the NBA, etc.), but here are some negatives. The 75 minute Christmas mass, the weather, no one willing to go out because they have to spend time with their extended family, and being stuck in your house for days on end.

4.) St. Patrick’s Day



I’m half Irish, so this one was a no brainer. Sometimes St. Patty’s day falls on a Tuesday, so it’s not as wild. I guess I have the Saturday where St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated ranked 4th here. This past year I went to the Gaelic American Club in Fairfield, CT and had an absolute blast with my extended family as we got hammered while listening to an Irish band headed by my mom’s cousin.

5.) Labor Day



There are no rituals involved with Labor Day, but it still makes my list because it’s the last weekend of summer and people like to get wild one last time in their white pants.


My Week 8 NFL Picks

at Vikings -5.5 vs. Bucs
Patriots -7 at Rams
at Titans -3.5 vs. Colts
Jaguars +14.5 at Packers
Chargers -3 at Browns
at Eagles -3 vs. Falcons
Seahawks +2.5 at Lions
Dolphins +2.5 at Jets
Panthers +7.5 at Bears
Redskins +4.5 at Steelers
Raiders -1 at Chiefs
at Cowboys -2.5 vs. Giants
Saints +6 at Broncos
at Cardinals +7 vs. 49ers

Two Weeks ago- 9-4
Last Week- 5-9
Season- 56-59-3

Here are my Week 9 Picks

at Chargers -7.5 vs. Chiefs- I’m not comfortable laying more than a touchdown on a Norv Turner led team, but the Chiefs might be an even bigger disaster. Last week they started Brady Quinn, who promptly threw an INT and got a concussion, and only gave the ball to Jamaal Charles 5 times.

at Bengals 4 vs. Broncos- The Broncos are hot, but I like the Bengals coming off of a bye to keep it close. Cardinals +11 at Packers- The only team the Packers have blown out this year was the Texans and that was when they were 2-3 and in absolute desperation mode.

Dolphins -2.5 at Colts- Miami is hard to peg, but I think they’re an overall better team than the Colts. Andrew Luck might pull something out of his ass like he did last week in Tennessee, but I like the fish in this one.

Ravens -3.5 at Browns- Cleveland is feisty as hell, but a rested Ravens team should dominate this game.

at Texans -10.5 vs. Bills- I don’t like laying double digits, but the Bills have been blown out of the water in 3 games against superior teams so far this season.

at Redskins -3 vs. Panthers- I haven’t gotten a lot right this year, but the one thing that I’ve nailed is how overrated Cam Newton and the Panthers were coming into the season.

Lions -3.5 at Jaguars- If the Lions have any hope of returning to the playoffs they should win this game handily. It’s a battle of QBs with great flow and I’ll take Stafford whose cabbage isn’t as impressive as Gabbert’s, but his arm is definitely superior.

at Titans +3.5 vs. Bears- The Bears are 6-1 and due for a stinker and/or another very close win over an inferior team.

Vikings +5 at Seahawks- Did you know that Christian Ponder is dating ESPN’s Samantha Steele? That’s what we like to call a power couple folks.

at Raiders -1 vs. Bucs- Carson Palmer has been slinging it this year. I’ll take the silver and black to win an ugly one.

Steelers +3.5 at Giants- Everyone knows that the Giants are better on the road. Plus, the Steelers are hot, so I’ll ride the wave and hope the G-Men win by a field goal.

Cowboys +4 at Falcons- It’s desperation time for the Cowboys. I can see them winning this game outright (Atlanta is due for a loss) or losing by 20+.

Eagles +3 at Saints- Yes, I’m doubling down on desperate NFC East teams that I spend most of the year hating. The Saints defense sucks and I think LeSean McCoy is going to run wild in the Superdome.

Patiently Waiting

As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I consider myself to be one of the leading experts in the field of social etiquette. I’m not talking about what fork to eat your salad with at a fancy restaurant (outside in, grow up people). I’m talking about what the unwritten rules are for holding doors for strangers, whether or not you can get a refill on your fountain soda if you ate your meal outside of the restaurant, and how much and when to tip a valet (the guy that actually parks the car gets screwed, but it all evens out in the end).

I’m fortunate enough to have a friend named Browny who, like me, is an expert in this field. Whenever I find myself in a situation where I’m unsure of the proper protocol I consult with him almost immediately and vice versa. Now obviously because I’m bringing up this topic you must have assumed that one of us found ourselves in one of these situations recently. It was me. Here is how my email exchange with Browny went.

“Sir,

So I walk down to the ESPN Cafeteria last night and stop at the Starbuck's stand (I've been working nonstop on the MLB Playoffs and I need a pick me up). There's one woman/barista (I guess that’s the preferred term these days) working and her back is turned as she's cleaning up some pots, etc. She keeps moving around, back and forth with stuff, and I keep assuming that she's going to see me waiting to order. 30 seconds go by and I can't get any eye contact, so finally I say, "How's it going tonight?" She turns and gives me a look that I initially decipher as her saying, "I saw you the whole time and wanted to finish my cleaning before I served you," and then she actually says, "Good, what can I get you tonight?" She's normally very nice, so I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. My question to you, because this has happened to me at other places (namely the sandwich station of the same cafeteria), is how long am I supposed to wait in the front of the line unnoticed before I say something? Am I required to wait until they see me? Can I say something right away? Had this woman said, "I'll be with you in one moment," I would have said, "Ok, no rush,", but she didn't even see me, or so I was led to believe. Hopefully you followed that and can give me some sage advice.”

“Sir,

This is a very intriguing situation that you bring up and certainly one that I have experienced many times myself. In my opinion I would say that you handled this perfectly. 30 seconds feels like an eternity when you are waiting and are unsure if you have been noticed. You politely made an effort to get her attention because she legitimately seemed pre-occupied and distracted with other work. She is in the business of customer service and if she in fact did not see you then I would say you did her a favor. If she did see you and chose not to acknowledge your presence then I would say that is a mistake on her part. She easily could have given you the "I will be with you in just a moment" and as you mentioned you would have been fine with that. In no situation should someone, whose job it is to serve a customer, simply ignore a customer’s presence for more than 30 seconds. You are not required to wait for them to turn around because there is too much uncertainty with that and you could be left waiting for a long time. In most situations I would think the employee would be happy that you spoke up because they may have been distracted. This is why we need more bells like they have at hotels. Although I am sure they are annoying to the employees they can serve a purpose to customers especially in slower times of the day where there may be less staff working.”

I’m not sure if I completely agree with him on the bell idea (it seems a bit obnoxious, but then again that’s what it’s there for), but I was happy to see that he agreed with how I handled the Starbuck’s situation. Feel free to let me know if you disagree, or if you have any protocol questions that you need clarified.

My Week 7 NFL picks 4 days later than usual (I swear I didn’t change any of them)

at 49ers -7.5 vs. Seahawks
Titans +3 at Bills
Cardinals +6.5 at Vikings
at Colts -2 vs. Browns
Ravens +6.5 at Texans
Packers -6 at Rams
Cowboys -2.5 at Panthers
Redskins +6 at Giants
at Bucs -2 vs. Saints
Jets +10.5 at Patriots
Jaguars +4 at Raiders
Steelers -1.5 at Bengals
Lions +6.5 at Bears

Last Week- 9-5
Season- 42-46-3

My Starting Five

Last week someone asked me who’s in my starting five. They weren’t talking about my fantasy basketball team or the terrible Sprint advertising campaign featuring Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade. What they meant was one of those agreements amongst married couples where each spouse picks 5 celebrities that they can sleep with without any repercussions. Essentially they wanted me to name the five celebrities that I want to sleep with the most. For fear of wasting one of my selections I chose not to answer. It’s almost like a genie in a bottle situation. You don’t want to make any of your wishes impulsively. Everything has to be well thought out. So that’s what I did. After mulling the question over for the past week here’s what I’ve come up with.

1.) Olivia Wilde



I was way late to the party on this one, but I’m a huge fan. She might have the most attractive eyes on the planet. Throw in the fact that she’s an Irish-American, real cool in interviews, and gets topless in movies and this one was a no brainer. Jason Sudekis is a very lucky man.

2.) Marisa Miller



I don’t think it’s possible for me to be more attracted to another human being. The former SI Swimsuit Cover Model is a bit of a surfer chick, but she loves sports (always played in those celebrity softball games at the All-Star Break) and has the ideal body.

3.) Candice Swanepoel



Her body defies the laws of physics and I desperately want to get an up close and personal look. You know the term “baby bearing hips”? She has the complete opposite, but she also has legs for days.

4.) Mila Kunis



She’s a very popular pick right now and she makes my list because she’s got that dark, mysterious quality to her. She also has the kind of eyes that suck you in.

5.) Nicole Sherzinger



She’s not black, but she certainly diversifies my list and then some. The lead Pussycat Doll doesn’t get enough credit for being such a knockout.


And now my Week 6 NFL picks

at Titans +6.5 vs. Steelers- The quality of the Thursday night games has been abysmal. I love how there’s a game every week and I’m more engaged with the NFL product (I would normally never watch the Titans, or Cardinals/Rams from last week), but the players clearly aren’t prepared physically or mentally for these quick turnarounds. I’ll take the home dog and hope it’s an ugly affair.

Bengals -2.5 at Browns- I don’t feel good about this one, but I still think that the Bengals are the better team, even though you’re supposed to assume that home field is worth 3 points (that would make the Browns a ½ point favorite on a neutral field).

at Jets -3.5 vs. Colts- The Jets showed a lot of fight against the Texans on Monday and this game seems like a turning point in the season for them. If they lose they might go off the rails and the Tebow talk will intensify, but I think they put together a complete game and take care of the Colts.

Chiefs +4 at Bucs- My cousin who will not be named once started a Facebook Group (back when people did that) called, “I want to have Brady Quinn’s children.”

Raiders +9.5 at Falcons- Atlanta wins, but Oakland covers, right?

Cowboys +3.5 at Ravens- The Cowboys are coming off of a bye and Tony Romo isn’t going to throw 5 interceptions again. I like the pokes (look it up) to win outright.

Lions +3.5 at Eagles- Matthew Stafford might be more due than A-Rod right now.

at Dolphins -4 vs. Rams- I can’t get a read on the Dolphins. After watching HardKnocks I thought they were going to be horrendous, but they’ve either overachieved mightily or they’re a lot better than I thought. I’ll assume it’s the latter and lay the points.

at Seahawks +3.5 vs. Patriots- Seattle has beaten the Cowboys and Packers at home this year, so I feel pretty good about them staying within a field goal.

at Cardinals -4.5 vs. Bills- No way I could turn down the opportunity to lay 4.5 points with a three headed running attack like the one the Cardinals have in Larod Stephens-Howling, Alfonso Smith, and William Powell.

at Redskins -1 vs. Vikings- RGIII plays and the Redskins squeak past the very solid Vikings.

Giants +6.5 at 49ers- The defending Super Bowl Champs are getting 6.5 points on the road (where they not only play better, but in a place where they won the NFC Championship Game last year)? Yes, please.

Packers +3.5 at Texans- The Packers need this game and I think Houston could benefit from a loss. That isn’t to say that Gary Kubiak is going to coach to lose, but they don’t want to deal with all of the undefeated bull shit that the Packers did last year. The Packers are desperate and win out right. at

Chargers +1 vs. Broncos- It’s a coin flip game and both teams need it. I’ll take the home team.

Last Week- 4-10
Season- 33-41-3

Week 5 NFL Picks

Cardinals -1.5 at Rams- The Cardinals hadn’t lost yet (3-1 ATS), so I was either going to keep picking them to win or keep picking them to lose. I took the wrong path.

at Redskins +3 vs. Falcons- Robert Griffin III is 4th in the NFL with a 103.2 quarterback rating. Andrew Luck is 24th with a QB rating of 75.4. Don’t you feel like we’d be hearing a lottt more about Luck if those numbers were reversed? By the way, I’m 0-4 picking Falcons games against the spread so far, so I’ll take the points and hope they finally lose.

at Steelers -3.5 vs. Eagles- The Eagles have won three coin flip games so far this season (1 point wins over Cleveland and Baltimore and last week’s 2 point win over the Giants), but their luck will run out this week against a well rested Pittsburgh team who will finally have the services of James Harrison and Rashard Mendenhall.

Packers -7 at Colts- The Green Bay offense sure seems to be clicking now, although they did play the porous Saints defense last week, and I don’t think Andrew Luck has enough around him to get into a shoot out with Rodgers.

Browns +8 at Giants- This line opened at 10, so the public likes the Browns, which means that I should be all over my Giants, but these are the type of games that the G-Men struggle with. I see a 21-17 Big Blue win, but it’s going to be an ugly affair in the swamps of northern New Jersey.

at Vikings -6 vs. Titans- It’s hard to believe that the Vikings are 6 point favorites against anyone after the season they had last year, but they have something going with Ponder, Percy, and Peterson. Throw in the fact that they wear purple and there’s alliteration everywhere. The only way the Titans win is if Matt Hasselbeck lights it up because Chris Johnson will be going nowhere against the stout Vikings rush defense.

at Bengals -3 vs. Dolphins- Miami has been a lot better than I thought, but I think Cincinnati’s the better team and they’re at home.

Ravens -6.5 at Chiefs- I’m 0-4 picking Kansas City games this year, so clearly I have absolutely no read on that team. The Ravens have had 10 days off and they know they didn’t play well against the Browns, so I expect to see a heavy dose of Ray Rice in a Ravens rout. (Someone stop the alliteration)

Seahawks +2.5 at Panthers- I continue to think that people over value the Panthers because they’re aware of how dynamic Cam Newton is. Carolina is 1-3 and their one win came against the winless Saints. I’ll gladly take the points and the better team.

at Jaguars +6 vs. Bears- It’s a short week for the Bears who are still riding high off their Monday night win in Dallas. This game has let down written all over it.

at Patriots -6.5 vs. Broncos- The expectation is that it’ll be a close game with the Brady vs. Manning hype, but I see the Patriots pulling away in the 2nd half and winning 34-21.

at 49ers -10 vs. Bills- I usually take the points with double digit spreads, but I don’t see the Bills offense getting much done on the road in San Francisco.

Chargers +3.5 at Saints- The crowd will be electric with Sean Payton in the building and Drew Brees trying to break Johnny Unitas’ record, but until they win a game I can’t, in good conscience, lay more than a field goal.

Texans -9 at Jets- They can’t make this line high enough. The Jets offense has zero chance of moving the ball against the Texans defense. This game has all the makings of a blow out followed by a full week of “should Tebow start in Week 6 against the Colts?”

Last week- 8-6-1
Season- 29-31-3

TV Timeout

Not only is football back in full swing, but so too is the fall TV season. Many of our favorite shows have unveiled their season premieres in the past week (The Emmy’s were also on Sunday) and most people can’t keep their thoughts to themselves, so I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of Facebook posts about them. Rather than annoy you with meaningless drivel in the minutes after a show airs (Who watches shows live anymore anyway? It’s called a DVR people) I’ve instead chosen to simply list my current Top 10 favorites. Not all of these shows are currently airing new episodes, but, in my opinion, they are the best of the best.

Before all of you clowns that watch 6 hours of singing competitions on a weekly basis freak out I should tell you that I did not consider reality television shows (If I did The Challenge would definitely be in the mix). In order to make my list the show not only needed to be scripted out by very talented writers, but also acted out by real life actors (my apologies to Family Guy, South Park, etc.). I also didn’t include late night shows, political programs, or hybrids of the two (my apologies to The Daily Show, Colbert Report, etc.)


10.) Episodes (Showtime)- I’m probably the only person in America that watches this show about a British couple who move to the United States to write a television show that stars Matt LeBlanc as a hockey coach. Trust me when I tell you that the dialogue is filled with sharp, biting intelligent humor. It’s honestly one of the best written shows on television and I crack up every time I watch this show, but I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.

9.) How I Met Your Mother (CBS)- This used to be a top 3 show for me, but it’s fallen off considerably in my opinion. Episodes are very hit or miss nowadays. In fact, here’s my buddy Frank’s CNN.Com recap (please click the link) of the season premiere.

"After watching the season premiere of "How I Met Your Mother" on Monday, I realized that I'll most likely find the mother of my future children before Ted Mosby does (Vegas actually has me going off at 4-to-2 odds).

Then again, all I have to deal with is fate, chemistry, luck, mathematical probability and guys who have great abs, like Robin's new boyfriend.

Ted, on the other hand, has to deal with a show that refuses to get to the point.

Monday's season premiere, "Farhampton," picked up right where we left off - sort of. At first, everything happened in the future ... and then in the past ... and then in the future again? Honestly, I don't know. I get confused watching "Survivor."

But what I do know is that we were once again given an episode with a lot of interesting plot points that - thanks to "HIMYM" being its own spoiler alert - didn't go anywhere.

Going through last season's greatest "possibly-The-Mother" hits of Victoria, The Slutty Pumpkin, Robin and somehow Victoria again was at times as burdensome as actually talking to one's own mother (just kidding Ma, love you!). I mean, sure, it served the show's ultimate purpose, but it overshadowed some of the other intriguing occurrences.

For example, the plotline of Marshall and Lily having a baby (also known as a "greatest middle name of all time" nominee, Marvin "Waitforit" Erickson) and Barney getting engaged were all just footnotes in the search to get to The Mother of all "HIMYM" answers.

And now, at the start of a fresh season, we get an episode with more footnotes:

"Lily and Marshall are soooo tired that they're basically under-the-sea zombies! Hilarious, right?" [Don't care, get to the Mother.]

"How about Ted sitting at a train station in the future where we see a woman with a yellow umbrella who could maybe, possibly be the Mother?" [Blank stare.]

See what I mean?

The explanation Victoria's runaway groom, Klaus, gave to Ted on how Victoria is "almost the thing you want but not quite" was fitting. It was a great moment, but it's also pretty much what "HIMYM" is right now. It's "almost the thing you want but not quite."

Yet, I still hold hope that we'll find that "lifelong treasure of destiny" sooner rather than later.

8.) 30 Rock (NBC)- The best way to describe 30 Rock is occasionally wacky, but always incredibly witty. Despite having what I think is a very good memory I struggle to remember many lines as I’m walking out of a movie theater, but the writing in 30 Rock is so impressive that I routinely remember plenty of lines from each episode. Alec Baldwin, a notorious liberal, playing an uber conservative in Jack Donaghy is almost as impressive as Neil Patrick Harris, a homosexual, playing a womanizer in Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother.

7.) Dexter (Showtime)- I could do without the inner monologues about “The Dark Passenger” and the visions of his dead father, but the show is still an absolute thrill to watch. There’s a new villain every season and even though you know that Dexter will end up killing him/her, it’s a 12 week suspense filled journey with twists and turns that you never expect. This villain per season formula makes it incredibly easy to distinguish specific episodes, plot lines, etc.

6.) Veep (HBO)- A situational comedy set in the second highest political office in the country? Yes, please. I almost watched all 8 episodes of Veep in one sitting (despite what you may think, I don’t have that much free time). Julia Louis-Dreyfus is incredible and the Emmy she won the other night was very well deserved. I can’t think of another actor/actress who has become synonymous with a character that they’ve played that has been able to have such success in a future endeavor. As great as she is on the show, Tony Hale (formerly Buster Bluthe in Arrested Development) might be even better.

5.) Breaking Bad (AMC)- What’s impressive about Breaking Bad is that it started as this semi-realistic story about a high school chemistry who starts cooking meth to pay for his cancer treatment, but things escalated very quickly and the show hasn’t lost any of its luster. Some plot lines are so ridiculous nowadays (the train episode), but they still have you on the edge of your seat. I also hate over 50% of the characters on the show, but I’m still hooked.

4.) Homeland (Showtime)- All you really need to know is that it swept the 3 biggest awards at the Emmy’s on Sunday Night (Best Drama Series, Best Actor/Actress in a Drama Series). Homeland is about a bipolar CIA agent who has a hunch about a military war hero. If you liked 24 you’ll love Homeland. There’s a lot of interrogations, theories, escaping from impossible situations, and the usual plot twists and episode ending cliff hangers.

3.) Modern Family (ABC)- I don’t think anything will ever live up to the first season, which is an incredible re-watch, but Modern Family continues to churn out laugh out loud moments week after week. I could do without their insistence on projecting a heartfelt family moral message at the end of every episode (this isn’t Full House), but the characters are about as indelible as they get. Phil, Manny, Cam, and Dylan (in that order) are simply hysterical.

2.) Mad Men (AMC)- I’ve written about Mad Men a lot in the past and even though this most recent season wasn’t one of the best the show is still amazing. I hate time period pieces. Give me a show/movie about the present day over a time period piece (past or future) any day of the week, but Mad Men is different. For starters, it gives kids our age a glimpse into the world that our parents grew up in. If that doesn’t at least mildly intrigue you than I can’t help you. The show is serious in that it deals with real world problems (or at least the major issues of the day in the 60’s) and isn’t looking for any laughs. It’s a drama in the best connotation of the word. It’s also smart and beautifully written. Some people find the show slow and boring, but they’re also the ones going to the movie theater to see Abraham Lincoln slay vampires and Kevin James as an MMA fighter.

1.) Parks and Recreation (NBC)- A comedy about a small (fictional) town government bureaucracy that continues to get funnier year after year. It used to be the only Thursday night comedy on NBC that I didn’t watch and now it’s my favorite show on television.

Here’s what Grantland’s Andy Greenwald had to say after last week’s season premiere:

“In programming, recapping, and basic automotive care, the squeaky wheel always gets the most attention. This is a shame, particularly so in the case of Parks and Recreation, the smoothest-running comedy on television. While all of its neighbors are lassoing headlines for being badly rated, badly in need of euthanasia, or merely being bad, Parks is in the midst of a nearly unprecedented run of excellence. Real talk: Since figuring itself out in its second season, Parks has strung together dozens of episodes of such high quality and remarkable consistency that it hearkens back to the golden age of NBC’s Thursday nights.”

Here’s a sample of a fantastic Q&A with head writer Michael Schur done by GQ:

"GQ: We were talking earlier about making sure your show has a beating heart underneath, that the characters all love each other. Do you ever have a problem where you pull back too far? Where you're like, "This is too nice. I need these people to fight a little bit more." How hard is it to find that line?

Mike Schur: Well, it is very hard, and there's no comedy without conflict. That's one of the most basic truisms of comedy. The way our show has chosen to find that conflict is often by external threats—in other words, the core group of people are usually on the same team, and they're dealing with outside opposition. So instead of doing a bunch of stories where Tom and April hate each other, we do a story where April is running a pet adoption, and she hates the people who are not adopting the pets because she sunk a lot of work into the pet adoption and no one is showing up, and she gets really angry at the town, and then Tom shows up at her house and says, "Hey, you worked really hard, and that one little girl who adopted a puppy is really happy, and you should be happy about that."

Now, occasionally, for obvious reasons, you have to have your main characters in opposition to each other. Otherwise it gets really boring. I mean, Ron and Leslie, for example, have completely opposing worldviews. Ron is like a 19th-century libertarian who thinks that everyone should leave everyone else alone in all matters, and the government should be one guy sitting in a room, and his only power is he gets to decide who to nuke. That's his idea of perfect government. And obviously Leslie is an incredibly progressive person who believes that the government is the very fabric of a society and that it can do all these amazing things to help its citizens. So they come into conflict all the time, and we try to show in that relationship that as friends, as humans, they have a great deal of respect for each other, and they see the best in each other. Ron admires Leslie's work ethic, and Leslie admires Ron's integrity, so that even when they're fighting, you know that they still care about each other. There are ways to create conflict that aren't just, "These two people hate each other for this 30-minute show."

Week 4 NFL Picks

Browns +12 at Ravens
Patriots -4 at Bills
Vikings pick ‘em at Lions
at Falcons -7.5 vs. Panthers
49ers -4 at Jets
at Chiefs pick ‘em vs. Chargers
Titans +12 at Texans
at Rams +3 vs. Seahawks
at Cardinals -6.5 vs. Dolphins
at Broncos -6.5 vs. Raiders
at Jaguars +2.5 vs. Bengals
at Packers -7.5 vs. Saints
Redskins +3 at Bucs
Giants +2 at Eagles
Bears +3.5 at Cowboys

Last week- 6-9-1
Season- 21-25-2

NFL Picks- Week 3

No time for a long, unneccessary intro this week. I had an idea in mind, but I'm going to let it marinate for a week. Here are my Week 3 NFL picks...

Giants -1.5 at Panthers- Two things. 1.) Fuck Greg Schiano. 2.) The G-Men are playing without their starting left tackle, #1 running back, and their #1 and #3 wide receivers, but I still have to go with them after the resilience that Eli showed on Sunday.

Rams +7.5 at Bears- The Bears are the better team and they’ll win without Matt Forte, but I just hope that it’s close late and Jay Cutler explodes on his offensive line on the sidelines. I’m still a Cutler apologist, but even I have to admit that 4 of the 7 sacks that he surrendered last Thursday were his fault. My man needs to get rid of the ball.

at Cowboys -8 vs. Bucs- Eli torched the Bucs secondary for over 500 yards and I expect Romo to light it up as well. Someone needs to set Greg Schiano and the Bucs straight after that bullshit that they pulled on Sunday and I hope that the Cowboys are the ones to do it.

49ers -7 at Vikings- In just two weeks the 49ers have proven that last year was no fluke and that they’re the best team in the NFL. I’ve picked against them twice and will not make the same mistake this time around.

Lions -4 at Titans- In the battle for 1st/2nd round fantasy picks that are the most due I’ll take Matthew Stafford over Chris Johnson, who this week thought it was necessary to blame everyone except himself for his poor play so far this season.

at Redskins -3 vs. Bengals- Home teams went 11-4-1 against the spread last week, so when in doubt I’m leaning that way.

Jets -2 at Dolphins- Reggie Bush ran all over the Raiders, but he’s not going to have a hole any bigger than his ex girlfriend Kim Kardashian’s vagina this week against the Jets. I like New York in a rout.

at Saints -8.5 vs. Chiefs- I’ve picked these dogshit teams in both weeks and they fucked me over. When in doubt go with the home team.

Bills -3 at Browns- C.J. Spiller and Trent Richardson both broke out last week, but I’ll go with Firing Fitzy over Brandon Weeden. If the Bills have any hope of living up to their lofty preseason expectations (Playoffs?!?) then they need to take care of business on the road in Cleveland.

at Colts -3 vs. Jaguars- I could waste 2-3 minutes thinking of a mediocre pun involving the last name of Indianapolis’ quarterback or I could just say that I might pick against Jacksonville every week this season.

at Cardinals +3.5 vs. Eagles- Revenge for Kevin Kolb! Seriously though, the Cardinals are the hottest team in football (they’ve won 9 of their last 11 games) and they’re getting points at home.

at Chargers -3 vs. Falcons- Definitely the hardest game on the board to pick, but I think that the Falcons are due for a dud and that the Chargers will get a boost from having Ryan Mathews and Antonio Gates on the field this week.

at Broncos +2 vs. Texans- After his horrendous 1st quarter on Monday Night I think Peyton Manning will have a statement game against one of the AFC favorites.

at Raiders +4 vs. Steelers- The Raiders get off the schneid at home because the Steelers will be without Troy Polamalu and James Harrison.

Patriots +2 at Ravens- Baltimore is going to be all jacked up after last year's loss in the AFC Championship Game, but I think the Patriots are the more desperate team. The Pats win outright on the big stage of Sunday Night Football. Speaking of which, how hot is Faith Hill? Her little ditty every Sunday, despite the fact that she rhymes NBC twice in the span of 3 lines, is like an instant erection for 65% of the male population.

at Seahawks +3.5 vs. Packers- The Packers have been a little off so far this year, Seattle is a crazy environment, the Seahawk secondary had 3 Pro Bowlers last year, and when in doubt take the home dog.

Last week- 7-8-1
Season- 15-16-1

Don't Take Credit for That

I went to the bank on Monday to cash some fantasy football checks (thankfully the teller didn’t ask me about it) and to change the address on my account. Evidently I had already changed the address on my account online, but that didn’t stop the woman at the bank from acting surprised and telling me that I was pre-approved for a credit card with all sorts of rewards. My reply in short? Thanks, but no thanks. I’m 26 and a half years old (today’s my half birthday- thanks for the Facebook posts) and I do not possess a credit card. This may shock some of you, but I’m actually pretty proud of it.

I have a debit card which I got when I first set up my account in the summer of 2004 (what up graduation party money?). It swipes as a credit card when I need it to and the money automatically comes directly out of my checking account. I, to this day, do not see the need to get a credit card. I’ve thrown out the hundreds of envelopes from various companies trying to get me to sign up without even blinking. In fact, I’ve never seriously considered getting one. If someone could convince me otherwise I’m all ears, but I’ve yet to hear an argument about why I should have one.

Last year I went to the bank to get more checks and the woman assigned to help me was being trained that day, so some joker came over to show her how it’s done, so to speak. This guy pulled out all the stops in an attempt to impress the woman he was training. He must have thought it was a slam dunk, but boy was he wrong.

His arguments about why I needed to sign up for a credit card (he actually tried to convince me to get two, but I’ll keep it simple) went as follows. 1.) You have to get a credit card so that you can build good credit. There may be something to this, but only if you eventually cave and get a credit card. Why do I need to build good credit when I don’t plan on getting a credit card? Plus, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that I’m building good credit by paying my student loans, car payments, and bills on time.

2.) You get a lot of cool stuff. Do you want to know what else you get? Another bill every month. Besides, I don’t need cool stuff. I’m not a 13-year-old. If I want something bad enough I’ll buy it right then and there or save up until I can afford it.

3.) A credit card is good to have in case of an emergency. This dude wouldn’t let this one go. He must have asked me what I would do in case of an emergency about 6 times. First of all, I don’t know who he thought I was, but I don’t anticipate having to pay anyone any ransom money. Secondly, I have a savings account, money invested in the stock market (my dad is a stockbroker), and a healthy wad of cash stored away in my house. I’m pretty well equipped “in case of an emergency”, so I think I’ll be ok. Lastly, if people rely on a credit card in the event of an emergency won’t that just delay their issue and then ultimately make things worse with the interest? Isn’t that how credit card companies make money?

My anti-credit card stance is very similar to my anti-iPad stance. I don’t understand why having an iPad is so necessary? As far as I’m concerned people only get iPads so that they can tell people that they have them and so that their emails say “Sent from my iPad”. Again, if anything can convince me otherwise I’m all ears, but what does an iPad do that my laptop can’t? It’s smaller? Ok. Is that it? I’ll wait patiently for all of the emails sent from your iPads.


Here are my Week 2 NFL picks

Chicago +6 @ Green Bay- Jay Cutler has quickly become one of my favorite players in the NFL. Arrogance is one of favorite qualities in athletes and he has plenty of it. After Chicago’s Week 1 win over the Colts he told all of the dumb Pollock’s with no future who get wrecked and go to Soldier Field to cheer him on to shut up when they have the ball in the redzone. Then on Tuesday he had a message for the Green Bay secondary, “Good luck.” Green Bay wins, but the Bears keep it close. at

Giants -7 vs. Bucs- 1.) The Giants are going to play angry after losing last Wednesday (at least I hope they do) 2.) Victor Cruz is going to salsa dance all over the Tampa Bay secondary in honor of his grandmother, who was the inspiration for the dance and passed away this week. 3.) No one’s buying the Bucs, are they?

at Patriots -14 vs. Cardinals- I think the Cardinals are undervalued nationally (John Skelton is now 7-2 as a starting quarterback in the NFL- I know Kolb engineered the game winning drive and will start this week. Shut up.), but they’re no match for the Pats at home. The Patriots revamped defense held Chris Johnson to 4 yards on 11 carries in Nashville. How do you think the Ryan Williams/Beanie Wells two headed piece of shit is going to do?

at Colts +1.5 vs. Vikings- Minnesota had to go to overtime to beat the Jaguars at home and they’re road favorites? Where am I? After enduring a plethora of horrible “bad Luck” puns on Sunday I’m mildly intrigued to see what drivel the headline writers and sportscasters can up with after the Colts win. My guess? A big day from Donald Brown and a headline of “No Luck Needed”. Actually, who am I kidding? People were still praising Luck after his 3 INT debut. After the year and a half plus of slobbing on his knob the media refuses to critique him at all.

Saints -3 @ Panthers- I’m still waiting for the “Fuck Goodell” game from New Orleans and I’m hoping that they right the ship and put it together this week against an overrated Panthers team.

Chiefs +3 @ Bills- The Chiefs got smoked at home by the Falcons in Week 1, but it was close in the 3rd quarter and they were without their top CB (Drayton Florence) and their best past rusher (Tamba Hali). I expect them to play significantly better against a Bills team that looked dreadful in Week 1 and will now be without Fred Jackson and their #2 WR David Nelson.

Ravens +2 @ Eagles- Pretty simple here. The Ravens looked great in Week 1 and the Eagles looked bad. I’ll take the two points and hope that their respective Week 1 performances were telling.

Raiders -2.5 @ Dolphins- This is definitely a winnable game for the Dolphins, but I think that they’re the worst team in the NFL. The whole west coast team traveling to the east coast on a short week should send me running for the hills, but Miami is badddd.

at Bengals -7 vs. Browns- The Bengals got rocked by the Ravens, but BenJarvus Green-Ellis and the rest of the offense showed plenty of promise. The Browns offense, on the other hand, looked largely inept against the Eagles. This is probably very common, but I like how the teams that beat these two are playing each other in Week 2 as well.

Texans -7 @ Jaguars- In case you’re keeping track at home, this is the third road favorite that I’ve picked. I’m bucking all sorts of betting trends right now, but I don’t care. Houston’s defense is going to blitz the fuck out of Blaine Gabbert and Arian Foster/Ben Tate are going to run all over Jacksonville’s defense.

at Seahawks +3 vs. Cowboys- The last time the Cowboys played in Seattle was the infamous 2006 playoff game where Tony Romo botched the snap on what would have been the game winning field goal. I like Romo, but I think he’s got plenty of cobwebs in his brain and might try to force the issue a little bit this weekend. When he does the birds will be there to take advantage. Seattle sent ¾ of their secondary to the Pro Bowl last year.

at Rams +3.5 vs. Redskins- Everyone’s falling in love with Robert Griffin III after his Week 1 performance against the Saints in New Orleans. In fact, it’s only been a few days, but the coverage is excessive. They’re even trying to force this issue and turn this “Griffining” thing into what “Tebowing” was last year. Just stop it already. Take the points and hope that Jeff Fisher gets it done at home.

at Steelers -5.5 vs. Jets- This number is a little high for my liking, but I’m still bitter about what the Jets pulled off in their opener. Pittsburgh gets Ryan Clark and potentially James Harrison back, so I highly doubt that Mark Sanchez will be lighting up the scoreboard again. Pittsburgh 24, New York 13.

at Chargers -6 vs. Titans- If you can give me a reason to have faith in the Titans this weekend other than the return of Kenny Britt, which I think will be inconsequential, I’d like to hear it.

Lions +7 @ 49ers- The post game handshake is going to be more thoroughly scrutinized than the game itself. I won’t lie, though. The 49ers really impressed me last week. I just can’t lay 7 points to a team with an explosive offense like the Lions.

Broncos +3 at Falcons- Matt Ryan may have better weapons, the home crowd, and a more limber neck, but Peyton Manning has moxie.


Last week- 8-8
Season- 8-8