Top 26

This Saturday is my cousin who will not be named's 26th birthday (we are getting oldddd). In honor of that I have compiled the following 26 stories, facts, inside jokes, etc. that I can share. I'm sure he could think of 26 funnier ones, but these are the first ones that I came up with.

1.) My cousin and I took a class together called Argument & Advocacy (Public Speaking) during our sophomore year of college. At the end of class one day our teacher strongly emphasized that we read over Chapter 8 in our book as homework. He was basically implying that we were going to have a pop quiz our next class. My cousin and I immediately blurted out things like, “I’m calling your bluff. You’re all talk,” and, “No way there’s a quiz. Kealey (our professor) doesn’t have it in him.”

Well sure enough to start our next class there was a pop quiz. Naturally neither my cousin nor I had read Chapter 8 because who writes a text book on public speaking anyway? The quiz only had 5 questions and they were all multiple choice. Shortly after we completed the quiz our professor gave us some nonsense assignment to complete in groups. While we were working he was grading the quizzes.

About 10 minutes into working on whatever assignment we were given I heard our professor say, “You gotta be kidding me, Tim. I basically told you that there was going to be a quiz.”

My cousin responded, “They were all curveballs!”

Some Asian kid in the back of the room, “Tim’s a fastball hitter.”

Tim got a 0 on the quiz. I got a 20.


2.) After our freshman year in college my cousin and our cousin Kate came to the city of hopes and dreams to visit me for a few days. We were on our way to a house party and stopped at a gas station to pick up some brews because I saw a large sign that said 18 packs of Bud Light were on sale for $15. I walked in, picked up an 18 pack and placed it on the counter. I was only 19 at the time, but I had my brother’s ID which had always worked for me. After the cashier checked the ID he said, “That’ll be $28.49”

In my head I thought, “Really? The sign right there says $15,” but I gladly forked over the cash because I wasn’t about to challenge him seeing that I was only 19.


3.) While playing beer pong against our housemates during our senior year of college my cousin was delaying the game because he was texting his little heart away. At one point our housemate Max said, “Texting Tim, come on dude. Let’s go.” Five minutes later when Tim was texting again our other housemate Greg said, “Let’s go Texas.” We all stopped and said, “What’d you say?” Instead of just owning up to his mistake Greg went with it and said, “Texas Tim. Let’s go.”

Whenever we see my cousin texting, which is about 23 hours a day, Max and I are sure to call him Texas.


4.) Songs that will all but guarantee to get my cousin out of bed in the morning

Go Cubs Go

The Italian National Anthem (Techno)

Brown Eyed Girl by Jimmy Buffet

Beast of Burden by The Rolling Stones

Bang On The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren


5.) a.) During our junior year of college our buddy Glancy had 4 tickets to a Jets/Patriots game, so he decided to take my cousin, Pete (who you should remember from this post), and I. Another one of our friends, named Jack, took it upon himself to come with us even though he didn’t have a ticket. He figured that he’d just buy one once we got up there. If you told Jack you were having a great time anywhere he'd find a way to show up.

We left on a Saturday and went to Boston College to meet up with some friends there. On the ride up, Glancy was driving, Jack was in the passenger seat, and Pete, my cousin, and me were in the back seat. We were big time college dudes at that point so we crushed an entire 30 rack during the drive.

I don’t remember exactly at what point we began asking Glancy to pull over so that we could urinate, but for the sake of the story let’s just say it was after our first beer (it probably was). We must have asked him about 585736848 times and we could tell that he was getting mad, but we really had to pee, so we kept asking. Finally Glancy pulled over on the side of the road on the Mass Pike where a little opening of grass was and Pete, my cousin, and me piled out of his Jeep. As we finished draining our dragons a police car pulled over to the side of the road and onto the grass area where we were.

The cop asked us what we were doing and the genius that I am, keep in mind that I was hammered, said, “Sorry officer, I had to make a phone call.”

“It takes three of you to make a phone call?”

We didn’t know what to say, but God bless his soul he just told us to get out of there.

b.) While at BC we stayed in houses across the street from each other. My cousin and I in one house. Glancy and Pete in another. Where Jack slept I’m not entirely sure, but when it was time to go to Foxboro for the Jets/Pats game he was in Glancy’s jeep with Pete. My cousin and I were definitely still asleep though. Glancy must have called us about 12 times each. Finally we answered and told him that we’d be right out.

10 minutes later we were basically ready to walk out the door and Glancy yelled, “Let’s go assholes!” He was standing in the street and could see us moving about the house.

My cousin and I were still a little hamboned from the night before, so we began chanting, “Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da, Let’s go ass-holes, da, da, da da da.”

c.) A week or two after the trip to Boston my cousin and I overheard Jack telling someone about our ride up. He said, “Petey had about 14 brews, the Stan Man had 12, Birdie (my cousin) had 17, I had 13, and Glance had 7 and he was driving!” In case you aren’t good at math, that’s 63 beers.

For the rest of the year and even sometimes to this day whenever someone asks how many beers we’ve had (who asks that anymore?) we will say that a bunch of us split a 30 rack and then say how many everyone had and blow the numbers way out of proportion.


6.) My cousin and I are really into sports and over the years we’ve watched sporting events with a plethora of people who don’t know that much. This isn’t a big deal by any means, but the worst thing ever is when someone attempts to make sports conversation and they have no clue what they’re talking about.

Our housemate Greg was the king of this. He’d always start out a comment with, “You know that guy on the Giants…..uhhh running back…”

My cousin or I would then say, “Brandon Jacobs?” And before we could finish saying Jacobs Greg would say, “YUP, Brandon Jacobs…that guy is good.”

My cousin and I concluded that he had no idea who he was talking about half of the time and that if we had said any other name, like Tom Jones, he’d say, “YUP, Tom Jones. It was on the tip of my tongue.”


7.) This one is similar in a way. Our RA freshmen year was a goofy kid named Murph. To sum him up quickly- he always wore cargo shorts, even in the winter. During our second semester my cousin and I were convinced that he had no idea what our names were even though we’d been saying hi to him on the path all year.

My cousin astutely pointed out that everytime he said hi to Murph on the path he’d always respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?” It’s like he was programmed to only say that. My cousin concluded that even if you said, “Hey Murph, what’s your favorite color?” he’d respond with, “Hey, what’s up man?”


8.) So the Asian kid from Argument and Advocacy class turned out to be a pretty cool dude whose last name was Burke. So naturally my cousin and I began calling every Asian person we saw “Burke” because, of course, they all look the same.

If we walked into a bar and an Asian kid was in sight my cousin would say, “You didn’t tell me that we were meeting Burke here.” If we walked past an Asian kid on campus I’d say, “Dude, why didn’t you say hi to Burke?” It was basically a running joke for years.


(Actually Burke)

During our Senior year we flew out to South Bend, Indiana for the BC/Notre Dame football game. One night we were there (I can’t remember if it was before or after the game) we decided to swing by the bookstore to stock up on some Irish gear. As we left the bookstore to walk back to where we were staying I noticed an Asian kid sitting on a bench so I nudged my cousin and said, “Aren’t you gonna say hi to Burke?” Sure enough, 750 miles away from Fairfield, it actually was Burke, who had graduated by that point.


9.) Perhaps our favorite Seinfeld line of all time is when Jerry says, “He’s eating onions, he’s spotting dimes. I don’t know what the hell’s going on?” We routinely find this line used in popular culture and send it to one another.

For example, I sent him this from a Bill Simmons column a few years back.

"19. N.Y. Giants
The G-Men remind me of the classic "Seinfeld" episode in which George loses his glasses and bites into an onion that he thought was an apple, but somehow notices a dime on the floor from 25 feet away and picks it up, leading to this exchange in Jerry's apartment after George keeps claiming to have seen Jerry's cousin kissing his girlfriend:
-- ELAINE: "He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eyewitness?"
-- GEORGE (still eating the onion): "I saw them making out, you can believe it!"
-- JERRY (snapping): "I don't know what to believe! You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"


10.) Speaking of the New York Football Giants back in 2007 my cousin pointed out how Eli Manning never throws a spiral. I don't know if it's the wind or what, but he throws wounded ducks every Sunday. Pay attention the next time you watch the G-men play.

For futher proof, my cousin sent me this shortly after the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008.

"Eli on Letterman -

Letterman went through the final drive with him and then asked about the touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress that gave them the 17-14 lead with 35 seconds left...

"It really looked so easy, and it was so beautiful," Letterman said.

"A spiral," Manning replied. "That's rare for me."


11.) Speaking of Eli, my cousin also lives in Hoboken, NJ. He claims to find “the greatest bar ever” about 49 times a year. He then tells me that he’s going to take me there the next time I’m down there. I’ll always ask where it is in relation to his apartment and without fail he’ll say, “It’s a block away.”


12.) My cousin and I both interned at a Sports Marketing firm called Octagon during our senior year of college. Every once and a while Octagon would provide the staff with food. Pizza, subs, etc. There was another intern there named Manny that ate like a garbage disposal. My cousin and I were flabbergasted at how much food this kid could shovel down his mouth. It was amazing.

If I texted my cousin right now and asked what he thinks Manny from Octagon had for lunch he’d reply with something like this, “A stack of ribs, a six foot sub, a triple cheeseburger with grilled cheese as the buns, 18 cookies, and a fudge sundae.”


13.) One night in college after getting home from the bar a group of us decided to go to Wendy’s for some late night slop. I was the first to order and I said, “I’ll have the first 8 things on the dollar menu.” My cousin lost it. He didn’t think that there was any way that I could eat all of that food, but I housed it Manny from Octagon style.

Speaking of fast food, my cousin physically can not order food from a drive thru and take it to his house, apartment, dorm, etc. to eat it. He doesn’t have the patience, so he eats it right away even if he’s driving.


14.) During our junior year my cousin and I were playing the drinking game called hockey with a small group of people in my townhouse. Not too long after our friend Jack joined the game, but he had never played before. We explained that whoever gets shot at gets to spin the quarter and then has to call someone’s name to take a shot at whoever’s beer bottle that they choose. If you don't know how to play it's very easy. Trust me.

Either way, the whole notion of calling someone’s name didn’t exactly register with Jack. Seemingly everytime he’d spin the quarter we’d all be anxiously waiting for him to call a name. Almost everytime we’d have to remind him and he’d inevitable panic and say, “Dahhh…..ahhhh….Birdie (my cousin).” Then there were the handful of times where he’d remember the rules and spin the quarter and quickly and very matter of factly say, “Birdie.”

I kid you not, we played for an hour or two and Jack called my cousin every single time he spun the quarter. Now whenever my cousin or I am flustered we will just say, “Dahh…ahh…Birdie.”


15.) During our senior year of college my cousin and I took an environmental ethics class because it only met once a week and we heard it was an easy A. Our teacher was an old man who had an odd way of describing someone or something that was confused or disoriented. He’d say, “He doesn’t know if he’s pitching or catching,” but he had no clue about the homosexual reference that he was making. I swear, this guy must have said it 3 times a week.


16.) During our freshmen year of college my cousin and I went up to a Syracuse/UCONN football game in Hartford, CT. As fate would have it our tickets were in the middle of the UCONN student section and I was wearing my “Real Men Wear Orange” t-shirt and sticking out like a sore thumb. I was also completely rocked which didn’t help things when the student section showered me with “ASS-HOLE!” chants. Don’t ask me why, but at halftime we decided to meet up with our aunt and uncle who were at the game. Within 15 seconds of the conversation my aunt said, “Dan, you have a few today, or what?”

The best part of the game was the UCONN chant when their team got to the goal line. The band would play a little ditty and then the students would chant, “Stick it in, stick it in, stick it in.” Even though I can’t stand UCONN I thought that was hysterical.




17.) A little more than a year ago my cousin and I were at our friend Mikey’s house for Kyle Korver’s 24th birthday. We somehow got to talking to Mikey’s dad late in the night. Early in the conversation I asked what Mikey’s dad did and he rattled off a few letters very matter of factly, but I didn’t comprehend him so I said, “I’m sorry, where?” He rattled off the same letters (I heard something like “BFG”), but he said it with such conviction that I said, “Oh, of course,” and the conversation carried on. 45 minutes later my cousin said, “I know you mentioned it earlier, but I didn’t catch it, where do you work?” Again, Mikey’s dad said what sounded like a few letters jumbled together. My cousin said, “I’m sorry, what’d you say?” Mikey’s dad repeated the same letters that still sounded like jibberish to my cousin and I and my cousin said, “Oh, of course” and the conversation continued.

Later that night my cousin asked me if I had any clue where Mikey’s dad worked and I laughed and told him that I had no idea, but that I noticed he did the same exact thing I had done.

A few months later we got the courage to ask Kyle Korver where Mikey’s dad works and his response…UPS. I still call bullshit because it sounded like “GHW” or “FHQ”.


18.) My cousin and I have long been fascinated by poop. In fact, in our freshmen year dorm I had a poster of all of the different kinds of poop that one could have; however one was missing. The just maker. This poop occurs when you feel the rumble in your stomach and you know that a mental ticker has been set off. That thing is counting down, so you better get to a toilet as soon as possible before it goes off. Reaching the toilet just as the poop stats erupting out of your rear end is what we like to call a just maker.

Now a few weekends ago my cousin and I were in Stamford for Kyle Korver’s 25th birthday. The following morning I was driving my cousin back to his car at the Fairfield train station. After housing a bacon, egg, and cheese from the Country Cow Deli we took a little campus tour during which my cousin felt the urge. I quickly sped to where there used to be 15 minute parking, but it had been transformed into a random patch of grass. Instead I looped around and parked in the parking lot outside the campus center. I made it in plenty of time for my cousin, so it doesn’t exactly qualify as a just maker, but I unleashed the fury as well. He thought it was hysterical that I was just like, "Yeah I can squeeze one out too."

The following weekend I was in NYC and I had parked my car at the Fairfield train station. Once I got back to it the next morning I felt the urge and dumped in the same toilet in the campus center that I had dumped in almost exactly one week earlier.


19.) Before my cousin met his beautiful girlfriend the old joke that our housemate Greg started was that if you put blonde hair on a pumpkin my cousin would hook up with it. My cousin soon began to refer to blonde girls that were borderline good looking as pump-i-kans.


20.) During our freshmen year of college I co-hosted a radio show with our friend Robby. We mainly played rock music, but we discussed current events from time to time as well. In February of 2005, Temple men’s basketball coach John Chaney admitted to sending in “a goon” to play rough and rack up fouls in a game against St. Joseph’s. That week on our radio show Tim called in from our dorm room and said that he was calling from the WVOF (our station’s call letters) chopper. He made helicopter sounds and pretending that he was zeroing in on John Chaney’s goon.

For the rest of the year, every time he called in it was from the WVOF chopper.


21.) One day during junior or senior year of college a bunch of people were playing pick up basketball at the Rec Plex. I was waiting to play in the next game while my cousin was already playing. He made two layups that he easily could have dunked and I called him out for it.

“Can you not dunk anymore or something? If I could dunk I’d do it every chance I got.”

So sure enough in the following game his team was beating mine 10-8 and he was on a fast break with me chasing him. He went up presumably to finish the game with a dunk to shut me up and I basically tackled him. He fell to the ground, his nose started bleeding, etc.

Let the record show that this was probably only my 2nd most vicious fast break takedown. Number 1 was on a girl, but that’s a story for another time and another place.


22.) Last year in Chicago a bunch of us were in a bar right outside Wrigley Field that has batting cages in it. After a particularly poor round our buddy Ty starting laying into my cousin (I think he swung and missed on all 10 balls he saw), but my cousin quickly retorted with, "Whatever dude. I can still dunk a basketball."


(Clearly I had no trouble in the cages, but then again I can't dunk)


23.) The year before in Chicago Glancy took us to some place for a roast beef sandwich. Apparently it was something that we had to have. My cousin and I showed up in the second cab, so by the time we got there 4 or 5 guys were already eating. Glancy took it upon himself to order for us and the people making our sandwiches literally placed them in a pan of grease and then put them on a tray for us. My cousin and I proceeded to make jokes about how we wanted our grease sandwiches without the roast beef next time, etc. Glancy said, "You guys are such assholes," and my cousin and I instinctively starting chanting, "Let's go ass-holes, da, da, da da da!"




24.) My cousin and I formed an air band at some point during our senior year of college. He was the ax man, I was the lead singer, and a kid 2 years younger than us was the drummer. Our go to songs, if I remember correctly, were U2- Pride and Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll. We only rocked out once or twice, but a year or two after we graduated we each wrote about 5-6 times on our “drummer’s” Facebook wall about getting the band back together.




25.) I've shared this story before, but it's one of my favorites. In February of our senior year my cousin and I went to a Knicks game with his girlfriend and her roommate. My cousin's girlfriend's roommate got us the tickets through her dad and she gladly dropped his credit card for food, beer, etc. The next day my cousin tracked down her father's email address and sent him a message thanking him for the tickets, etc. The email he got back read, "STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!"


26.) During our freshman year of college there was a kid who would randomly dump on our floor's bathroom. My cousin and I dubbed him the phantom shitter and assumed that he must be hooking up with a girl who lived on the other side of the dorm.

I tell you this only because the year after we graduated a bunch of us went out in Stamford and slept at some girl's apartment. When everyone woke up the next morning there was poop chilling in the toilet. The girls obviously tried to pin it on the guys, but when all of the guys were alone at the Stamford train station no one came clean. This, of course, means that a girl was the phantom shitter that night.

Summer Watching

Kind of like the summer reading we all had to do (no one really did it though, right?) back in highschool, I'm going to assign a TV show for you all to watch.

The Bachelor Pad 2, which airs on ABC on Mondays at 8pm.

If your immediate thought is “that show is definitely wayyy too feminine for me”, you’re wrong. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette- Yes, wayy too feminine, but The Bachelor Pad 2 is far from it. The best way to describe it is that it’s a reality show on steroids. It literally takes the best parts of your favorite reality shows (The Challenge, Survivor, Big Brother, Flavor of Love, The Bachelor(ette), Top Chef, The Apprentice), and puts them all in one show.


Crazy people- What these shows are basically selling (in no particular order) is drama, entertainment, urgency, and interesting. The key to this is casting people that a little unbalanced. In case you haven't noticed, if normal, everyday Americans were on these shows they wouldn’t be nearly as successful. The premises of these shows can only go so far. You have to have a little bit of crazy to make things more interesting (you know- tears, arguments, yelling, freak outs, etc.) and the people on The Bachelor Pad 2 are more than a little off kilter. In the cast are two couples that were previously engaged, a professional wrestler who goes by the name "Rated R", a guy who got a tattoo of a rose to impress a girl he knew for less than a month, a chick that hooked up with an NBA player (Carlos Boozer), and a girl (I wish I was making this up) that refers to herself as “The Princess”.


Intriguing Format- Every contestant on The Bachelor Pad plays for $250,000, but there’s a twist (at least this is how it worked last season). Two contestants (one female, one male) get voted off every week (the women vote off the men and the men vote off the women) until 4 females and 4 males remain. These remaining contestants then become four couples who compete with one another. In the finale only two couples remain. All of the past contestants then vote for the couple that they feel is most deserving of the $250,000, but that’s just the beginning. The winners are then put into what is known as a “Prisoner’s Dilemma” where they each go into a concealed, sound proof room and have to decide if they want to keep the money for themselves or share it with their partner. If they both vote to share the money then they share the money. If one person votes to share and the other person votes to keep it the person that voted to keep it gets all of the money. And if both of the contestants vote to keep the money for themselves the money is split evenly among the all of the other contestants.

This format obviously involves a lot of strategy for the contestants. From what I can tell being in a couple from the get go is a major advantage because the person you are hooking up with will do whatever they can to convince the other girls/guys not to vote you off. That said, you also have to flirt/be as nice as you can to the other girls/guys so they don’t vote you off and vote for you in the end. As with the other shows alliances, promises, etc. come into play.


Challenges- Every week/episode the contestants take part in a challenge that sets the stage for the rest of the show. The winners are granted immunity and thus safe from elimination. The challenges on other shows usually involve physical skill, athleticism, and a little bit of brains. The challenges on this show include all of the same things, but with the addition of sexual tension. Last week the contestants picked a partner of the opposite sex and were then suspended above a bed. The couple that held on the longest won.



Last year challenges involved a best kisser contest, a water balloon throwing contest, and a superlative contest (which contestant is most likely to…).




Attractive women- The Bachelor Pad 2 is loaded with very, very good looking women who are in bikinis about 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time they are all dolled up in cocktail dresses, evening gowns, etc. Here is a sample of the women on this show.








Element of love- What makes these extremely attractive women even more enticing to watch is the fact that they are all looking for love. All of these people live together in a mansion and there’s a lot of hooking up going on. The Bachelor Pad 2 also sends the winners of the challenges out on lavish dates that usually include a fantasy suite where they can get down and dirty. This element of love, if you will, makes the show more interesting in every respect.

He's Gone Country

So I watched the movie Country Strong starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Tim McGraw last night and I really enjoyed it. For the first time since Walk the Line I’m seriously tempted to go out and buy the soundtrack. In the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that I used to be a country music hater, but now I can’t get enough. There’s just a certain level of authenticity to the lyrics that adds a little something else.

Aside from watching Country Strong, country music has also been on my mind of late because it’s summer time. For whatever reason Summer and country music just seem to work in tandem with each other. When you think about sipping brewskis at a lake, beach, or what have you I’m guessing that you hear country music playing in the background. I would also argue that most people that I know go to more country music concerts than any other during the summer. In fact, two of the best concerts I’ve ever been to have been country concerts in the summer.

Now like I said, I used to be a country music hater back in high school, so I’m no authority on the genre, but that’s not going to stop me from ranking my top 50 songs. Please take my limited country music experience (roughly 7 years) into consideration before you judge me for including or not including a particular song.

50.) Tim McGraw- Live Like You Were Dying

49.) Toby Keith- Whiskey Girl

48.) Alan Jackson- Livin’ on Love

47.) Brad Paisley- Whiskey Lullaby- You know it’s a country music countdown when two of the first four songs have whiskey in the title.

46.) Lonestar- Class Reunion (That Used to Be Us)

45.) Alan Jackson- Back Where I Come From- When I saw Alan Jackson in Syracuse he played a video montage of all the sights and sounds of the city of hopes and dreams. The Carrier Dome, Syracuse University, the Dinosaur BBQ, etc.

44.) Tim McGraw- Don’t Take the Girl

43.) Keith Urban- Somebody Like You

42.) Jake Owen- Barefoot Blue Jean Night- My favorite of all the country songs out right now.

41.) Rodney Atkins- Farmer’s Daughter

40.) Craig Morgan- Redneck Yacht Club- My friend from Maryland introduced me to this one and he has some serious credibility in the country world as indicated by the Confederate Flag that he hung in his dorm room.

39.) Toby Keith- Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue- Any song with the lyrics “We’ll put a boot in your ass because that’s the American way” should probably be #1.

38.) Carrie Underwood- Undo It- Stop what you’re doing right now and watch the video. You’ll thank me later. PS- If she came out and said that this song was about Tony Romo I’d put it in the Top 10.

37.) Rascall Flatts- These Days

36.) Lonestar- Amazed- This one has wedding song written all over it.

35.) Big and Rich- Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy- I will always associate this song with the World Series of Poker back when it was popular in 2005

34.) Sugarland- Stuck Like Glue

33.) Toby Keith- I Love This Bar- “We got winners, we got losers. Chain smokers and boozers.”

32.) Trisha Yearwood- She’s In Love With the Boy

31.) Miranda Lambert- The House that Built Me

30.) The Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil Went Down to Georgia

29.) Lady Antebellum- Need You Now

28.) Mark Willis- 19 Something- Sort of a country music version of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

27.) Alan Jackson- Remember When- This song can be quite the tear jerker for an adult looking back at their marriage, children, etc.

26.) Kenny Chesney- Keg in the closet- Collllllleggggggeeeee

25.) Keith Urban- Days Go By

24.) Zac Brown Band- Chicken Fried

23.) Phil Vassar- Six Pack Summer- My friend RJ dubbed this as my anthem for the summer of ’06 because I used to show up everywhere with a 6, 12, or 18 pack.

22.) Taylor Swift- Love Story- You’re a liar if you say that you don’t like this song

21.) Sara Evans- A Real Fine Place to Start- Obviously Track #1 on one of my country CDs.

20.) Buddy Jewell- Sweet Southern Comfort

19.) Chris Young- Voices

18.) Alabama- If You’re Gonna Play in Texas

17.) Rodney Atkins- Watching You

16.) Kenny Chesney- Live Those Songs- “So I’m sitting on a side walk in Fresno.”

15.) Toby Keith- American Soldier- This song will make you feel for our armed service men and women. “I can’t call in sick on Monday when the weekend’s been too long.”

14.) Tim McGraw- Something Like That- For all of you casual country fans this is the BBQ stain song.

13.) Kenny Chesney- The Good Stuff- “He didn’t reach around for the whiskey. He didn’t pour me a beer. His blue eyes kinda went misty. He said, “You can’t find that here.”

12.) Mark Willis- Jacob’s Ladder

11.) Phil Vassar- Just Another Day in Paradise

10.) Garth Brooks- Friends in Low Places- Arguably the most iconic, recognizable country song out there.

9.) Alan Jackson- Drive- Who knew learning how to drive could be such a nostalgic event?

8.) Lonestar- My Front Porch Looking In

7.) David Lee Murphy- Dust on the Bottle

6.) Kenny Chesney- Young- “We were lighting matches just to watch ‘em burn”

5.) Rascal Flatts- Fast Cars and Freedom "Staring at you taking off your makeup, wondering why you even put it on. I know you think you do, but baby you don't need it. I wish you could see what I see when it's gone."

4.) Phil Vassar- In a Real Love

3.) Kenny Chesney- I Go Back- I think about 8 girls I went to college with used the lyrics from this song in either their AIM profiles or as away messages (remember those?) in the summer inbetween our Freshman and Sophomore years. While that would normally be a tell tale sign that I shouldn't like a song I still do. I love that the chorus is about hearing a song that makes you think of a specific time in your life and then Chesney explicitly references Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" as being that song for him.

2.) Alan Jackson- It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere- If I worked 9-5 I think I'd make it a point to listen to this song everyday at some point to help get me through.

1.) Rodney Atkins- These Are My People- This song makes me think of summers in Syracuse with my highschool friends.

Turn Out the Lights

As an avid TV junkie I’m sad to report that we lost one of the best television shows going last Friday. After five seasons NBC’s Friday Night Lights came to a close. As disappointing as it is that the series is now over it’s amazing that it lasted as long as it did, especially if you consider that it started as a book then became a movie and was then adapted for television. Seriously, how many ideas are successful in all three formats?

I’ll be the first to admit that I was a Friday Night Lights doubter from day one. I didn’t enjoy the movie when I originally saw it in theaters (I liked it a lot better the 2nd time, but probably because of the TV show connections), sports related TV shows never work, and after watching five minutes of an early episode it just came across as the most overdramatized show in the history of television with all the last second finishes, etc. One of my college roommates was a big fan from the get go and I used to rip on him all the time for it (my apologies Kess).

However, throughout the course of the next few years I heard more and more positive reviews and decided to give the show a try mainly because I could watch the first two seasons online thanks to my Netflix account. It didn’t take long for me to get hooked. I soon started DVR’ing the new episodes and I watched all the way through the series finale.

Friday Night Lights probably won’t go down as one of the best television shows in history (it finally picked up an Emmy nomination for Best Drama Series), but I think it was wildly underrated and underappreciated.

Here are a handful of reasons why I think the show worked:

1.) It wasn’t about football- If you only watched the previews you would think that the show was mainly about a football team and their games every week, but in reality the football itself was largely secondary. In most episodes football scenes were limited to 5-6 minutes at max. The show was really about the football loving town of Dillon, Texas and the Taylor family’s participation in it. It was about relationships, growing up, getting back on the right track, learning through failure, worrying about your future, and family.

For example, the coach/quarterback relationship was amplified because the quarterback dated the coach’s daughter. Things like that made the plot more about real life as opposed to just football.

2.) There were likeable, flawed characters-

Eric Taylor- One of the reasons I decided to give the show a try (aside from the added level of convenience provided by Netflix) was because of Kyle Chandler, who played the main character and head football coach Eric Taylor. I have enjoyed Taylor’s work ever since he played the lead character, Gary Hobson, on CBS’ Early Edition. That was one of the first night time dramas that I ever watched. On the show Chandler’s character ran a bar in Chicago and got tomorrow’s newspaper today, so he would spend most of his time helping people avoid tragedies, etc.

On Friday Night Lights Chandler was the young, upstart coach who was considered an offensive mastermind (another reason I took to his character). He also served as the moral majority for his family, his football players, and sometimes even the town. He always knew what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. That said, he was nothing without his wife, Tami.



Tami Taylor- Connie Britton, who played Michael J. Fox’s initial love interest on Spin City before Heather Locklear showed up, was one of the few carry overs from the movie (the man who played Buddy Garrity is another). She played opposite Billy Bob Thornton in the film, but her chemistry with Chandler was off the charts. On the show she played a guidance counselor turned principal turned back to guidance counselor and she largely served those roles outside of her job. Tami Taylor was always helping kids get in college, work through problems at home, and she said “Ya’ll” about 4463837 times per episode. She was also sneaky hot. Her tangible connection with her husband drove the show. The way they made things work from problem to problem and hurdle to hurdle is probably one of the biggest takeaways from the show.

Tim Riggins



I would argue that Tim Riggins, played by Taylor Kitsch, is one of the greatest most well liked television characters of all time. Female viewers loved him because he’s a stud and male viewers loved him for his I don’t give a fuck attitude. He essentially just boozed his face off, dominated football games, and hooked up with any girl that he wanted to. He was also loyal to a fault, down to earth, and respectful. What I loved most about Riggins is that he referred to others by the number that they wore in football (“Last game 7.” “Seven’s back in town?”) and everytime he was at a party he said something to the effect of, “Let’s make some memories.” Let me be the first (probably not the first) and certainly not the last to say that it’s going to be very odd to see him play any other role in the future.

3.) Hot chicks- You can’t go wrong with eye candy and Friday Night Lights certainly didn’t disappoint. Aimee Teegarden, Adrianne Palicki, and Minka Kelly made the show a whole lot more aesthetically pleasing to watch.








4.) Theme music- If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1000 times. Friday Night Lights had the best opening theme song of any television show that I’ve ever seen. Basically the show would just start with a scene or two for 4-5 minutes, a level of drama would build, and then boom. Opening music. It got me every time.




5.) Not afraid to usher in a new class- Television shows about highschool always fall into the same trap. If they are successful, and that’s a big if, they go out of their way to avoid the logical progression of time. If the main characters are juniors in high school in Season 1 they should be in college by Season 3. Most shows don’t do this though because by Season 3 their stars are recognizable and have contributed significantly to the success of the show. They feel compelled to keep them around as long as possible because starting over is an incredibly leap of faith not to mention virtually unheard of.

The core group of characters on Friday Night Lights began Season 1 as sophomores in highschool. Season 4 began with a new core group of young actors and they gradually faded the old characters out of the plot. By sticking to a feasible timeline Friday Night Lights earned some major bonus points in my eyes. It should be noted that I think they were able to do this because, like I’ve said, the relationship between Eric and Tami Taylor is what drove the show.


While those points all contributed to the show’s success there must be a reason why the show was cancelled. What led to Friday Night Lights’ downfall?

1.) To be blunt, nobody watched. I think NBC made a big mistake by feeling obligated to air the show on Friday nights just because of the show’s name. No one, with a life, watches television on Friday nights. In that respect, this show was almost set up to fail from the get go. I would contend that if the show aired on Tuesday or Wednesday it would almost certainly be preparing for Season 6.

2.) The show was incredibly dramatic. If you were a fan of the show you almost took it with a grain of salt. You knew going into it that certain plot lines, game highlights, etc. would be wayyy over the top, but the good far outweighed the bad. That said, I think the Dillon Panthers and West Dillon Lions combined for about 32 last second wins over the course of 5 seasons.

3.) Some of the plot lines were just brutal. For example: Landry and Tyra killing that guy in Season 2. Jason Street trying to become an agent, flip houses, etc.

ESPYs Recap

Every year my buddy Frank over at The Pop Culture Initiative live blogs all of the major awards shows like The Emmys and The Oscars on Facebook (He also does it for the MTV Video Music Awards, but don't hold it against him). Now I'll admit that Frank knows more than I do about movies, television, and whatever the VMA's give out awards for nowadays (I usually contribute a few dumb comments to his award show blogs), but there's no question that I know a lot more about sports, so I figured it was only right that I live blogged (well retro diaried, I guess) the ESPYs, which, in case you missed them, aired last night. ESPN will probably re-run them 10-15 times in the next week, so if this post makes you want to see them (it shouldn't) you can catch up.

It should be noted that the very concept of the ESPYs is patently absurd because athletes don't play their respective sports to win ESPYs. They play to win championships and awards handed out by their leagues. The Oscars make sense because there is no championship for actors to play for. But I digress...

Sadly I missed much of the two hour red carpet show as I was eating dinner, watching The O'Reilly Factor, etc, so below are my thoughts as I watched (sparingly from 8:34 to 9 and then from 9 straight through until 11:30)the 19th annual ESPY Awards.


8:34- Erin Andrews interviewing Kevin Love and Blake Griffin. When she asks Blake what kind of dunk he wants to see Love do next year he promptly responds by saying, “I’m not entirely convinced that he can dunk.” Awesome.

8:53- Sweet Jesus. Jenn Brown looking amazing. Now I know why I got a text from my buddy Crib asking who the smoke was that was interviewing Cam Newton. Clearly he doesn’t read The Shampoo Effect or else he would have known all about Jenn Brown months ago.



8:54- Michelle Beadle tosses to Erin Andrews. Did anyone else feel the tension?

9:00- Steve Urkel version 2.0 is the front man of the ESPY’s house band.

9:02- I might vomit every time I see the DeSean Jackson punt return. And every time I see Shaun White.

9:04- Does anyone care about Zenyatta? I honestly don’t even know what the story is. Wake me up when she’s glue.

9:06- It’s opening monologue time. Also known as the only part of award shows worth watching. Show me something here Seth Myers.

9:13- I haven’t laughed yet

9:14- Amare Stoudemire looking as hood as ever.



9:17- A Barry Bonds joke falls flat. Seth Meyers, “Think about it, though.”

9:18- Tweet from @TheBillWalton- “Organizers of the ESPYs thought they had a bomb scare on their hands. Then they realized it was Seth Meyers’ opening act. #iamappalled”

9:19- Welcome to the ESPY’s. Meyers got me with this, “David Beckham had a baby with wife Victoria…8 pounds, 9 ounces…No word on what the baby weighed yet”

9:21- We almost got through the monologue without a Favre reference, but it wouldn’t be the ESPYs without one, right? I guess when you text photos of your dick you’re an easy target.

9:22- Jimmie Johnson and Emmanuelle Chriqui (Sloan from Entourage) to present the award for Best Breakthrough Athlete. Chriqui is perhaps the best example of a celebrity who’s known almost strictly as their character’s name. Seriously, how many people actually know her name? Other people in that category…

Kenny Powers (Danny McBride)
Dexter Morgan (Michael C. Hall)
House (Hugh Laurie)
Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell)
Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor)

9:24- Blake Griffin wins and makes it official by saying, “Thank you Sloan,” as he accepts the award. In case anyone cares, Jose Bautista got hosed. With fans voting for the winners the ESPYs are more predictable than almost any award show going.

9:31- How does someone put up a graphic for Brooklyn Decker when the person on the screen isn’t Brooklyn Decker? How does this happen? She’s one of, if not the most, recognizable supermodels in the world.

9:34- Seth Myers announces that they've re-opened the Best Play category to include Abby Wambach’s goal against Brazil on Sunday, but somehow Serena Williams is nominated for Best Championship Performace for winning Wimbledon in 2010? She didn’t even make it to the quarterfinals this year. I guess you have to bend the rules to make the 175th ranked tennis player seem relevant.

9:43- Wait, Zenyatta is nominated for Best Upset for coming in second in a race? I’m so confused.

9:44- VCU wins Best Upset for knocking out #1 seed Kansas on the way to the Final Four. It’s the second year in a row that Kansas losing in the NCAA Tournament has led to a Best Upset nominee. Can we give Bill Self something for this?

9:55- Shaka Smart shows once again that he’s a class act. He just says all of the right things in front of the camera. His exit from VCU is imminent.

9:49- Urkel is back for Round 2. Nobody cares. Can we just play the Jimmy V speech already?

9:51- A parody of the Vancouver kissing couple with the dude from The League is painfully horrendous. His career peaked as a commentator for I Love the 90’s Part Deux.

9:55- Who writes the back and forths between presenters? When people try too hard to be funny it never is. Keep it simple. Even Justin Timberlake's piece was awful.

9:57- The Jimmer wins Best College Athlete and promptly hugs his smokehouse cheerleader girlfriend…who he’s never had sex with...

10:07- Matthew McConaughey doing a voice over for a black boxer who was wrongfully imprisoned. Was Morgan Freeman not available?

10:19- The Dewey Bozella story may be the takeaway of the night, especially the Cus Amato quote he dropped, “The hero and the coward both feel the same thing, but the hero uses his fear, projects it onto his opponent, while the coward runs. It's the same thing, fear, but it's what you do with it that matters.”

10:20- Butttt he went on to start his next sentence like this, “Everyday I axed myself…” Now unless this was a euphemism for cranking it (he was in jail for 30 years) I can’t let it slide. Why can’t black people say this word correctly?

10:26- Another Kenny Powers K-Swiss commercial. It looks like a good marketing campaign…until they incorporated Matt Cassel. I realize that K-Swiss is trying their best to sign athletes and they need to start with low level stars like Cassel, but come on. No one knows who he is.

10:29- Can we get a “Best Celebration” category next year just so Aaron Rodgers’ belt can take home some much deserved hardware? Other nominees: Jason Terry’s jet imitation, Kobe/Jeter’s fist, the Bruins bar tab, etc.

10:31- Where am I? What year is it? Dirk Nowitzki has an attractive black girlfriend? I assume she’s a Mavericks cheerleader?

10:34- Brooklyn Decker out to present Best Female athlete and boy did she bring it tonight



10:34- But I’m still a Marisa Miller guy


(photo from 2009 ESPYs)

10:35- Lindsay Vonn wins Best Female Athlete for the 2nd straight year and I can’t figure it out. She won a gold medal in the Olympics in 2010 and won Best Female Athlete in 2010. That’s good by me, but now she wins Best Female Athlete again in 2011? Can anyone tell me what she did this year? This is why female sports are a joke.

10:36- Vonn compounds the travesty by asking Justin Bieber to take a picture with her for her Facebook page. What he’s doing at the ESPYs I’ll never know. As my buddy Anthony wrote on Facebook earlier, “PLEASE tell me what the hell that little douche, Justin Bieber, has to with sports and has been on the espys longer than any athlete? He said he played soccer and basketball in grade school, I guess it makes sense to me now.” The kid does have a nice flow though.

10:37- In semi-related news Scott Van Pelt, SportsCenter staple and ESPN Radio host, has never been invited to the ESPYs. In fact, he tweeted earlier, “Guess my ESPY invite got lost in the mail again. Only 11 years in a row that’s happened. I need to print more clearly when giving address”

10:39- Serena Williams just broke the internet because her tits were popping out, but I think this picture is more impressive. Those curves defy the laws of physics.



10:48- Who had Jonah Hill being the first to curse at the ESPYs? Actually, better question. Who had Jonah Hill at the ESPYs?

10:52- Puhhhhhyahhhhhh…Puhhhhyahhh…The Eagles win Best Game for their Week 15 comeback against the Giants. Does anyone know how to spell vomit sounds?

11:01- The Anthony Robles story is amazing. If you missed it, it’s worth checking out. The kid has a million dollar smile and the best attitude on life ever. He really embodies Jimmy V’s message of never giving up.

11:13- 3 of the 5 nominees for Best Play are soccer? Beast mode should definitely win this award, but the fix is clearly in for the Abby Wambach goal.

11:14- A Scarlett Johanssen look-a-like butchers the pronunciation of Abby Wambach’s name.

11:22- I gotta be honest. I didn’t hate the Bieber/Danica shtick.

11:24- The Best Team nominees are revealed. What team doesn’t belong? Green Bay Packers, Dallas Mavericks, San Francisco Giants, Texas A&M women’s basketball team, Boston Bruins. I swear, the concerted effort to incorporate and promote female sports at the ESPYs couldn’t be more apparent.

11:25- The Dallas Mavericks win Best Team thanks largely to the “Fuck LeBron” vote.

11:26- Seth Myers sneaks in what sounds like a forced plug for the US Women's World Cup Final on Sunday.

11:27- Urkel’s band plays us out. What does it mean “to play us out?”



11:28- What happened to airing Jimmy V’s speech?

Hoping For an Answer

I’ll be totally honest with you. I’ve been absolutely captivated by the Women’s World Cup matches that involve the US National Team. The last 2 of them anyway. PS- I wouldn’t be caught dead watching the other matches. Maybe it’s because I’m a naïve soccer fan, but it seems like the difference between the men’s and women’s game is negligible. Again, I could be way off on that. For example, if a hardcore soccer fan said that the NBA and WNBA were similar I’d lose it. Either way, the product has been great, again specifically in the last two matches, because there has been this great sense of urgency. It’s win or go home and if you lose you don’t have another chance to get to where you were for 4 years.

Last Friday we were told that we had to discuss the Women’s World Cup at some point during the talk show that I was working on and the immediate reaction was, “Come onnn. Really? Why? No one cares.” That said, I was tasked with doing a little bit of research so that our host didn’t look like an idiot when we talked to a guy who is over in Germany following the team. So I dug up some info (the US loss to Sweden was their first ever loss in the group stage at the Women’s World Cup, Brazil beat the US team 4-0 in the 2007 semifinals and they have a girl on their squad named Marta who is thought to be the best in the world, etc.), thought up some questions, and went on with my day. So when I turned on my TV on Sunday and saw Bob Ley, Brandi Chastain, Mia Hamm, etc. previewing the match I stuck around and watched because I had invested a little bit of my time in learning about the event. I watched the entire match and boy am I glad that I did. The drama, momentum shifts, national pride, urgency, and late game heroics were enough to give me goosebumps. I almost didn’t believe it at the time, but that match was undoubtedly the story of the weekend which is saying something because arguably the most popular baseball player of all-time reached a legendary milestone 24 hours earlier.

Let the record show that if I ever had to take a penalty kick I’d either put the ball in the 27th row or fall over trying to kick the ball. Hell, I get real nervous taking penalty kicks in FIFA against my friends.

Now that the US Women’s team has beaten France and advanced to the finals I have a serious question for what I have to believe is my constantly diminishing female audience. When girls watch sports are they constantly checking out the guys on the field/court as opposed to actually watching and enjoying the game? I mean, I realize that girls, for the most part, don’t exactly know all of the rules to sports, but they still watch. This must be the reason why, right? If my female readers could respond via comment, text, email, etc. that would be greatly appreciated as I am genuinely curious.

I almost feel a little dumb for having never thought of it before, but the reverse situation has happened to me both today and on Sunday. My thoughts while watching the US Women’s National Team play go something like this…Wow, she could get it. Damn, she’s fast. We can’t lose to France/Brazil. Nice legs. Look at those eyes. She looks like a lesbian. Good pass. She’s a babe. That’s a huge bitch. I mean, if I had to put a percentage on it I'd say that 50% of me has watched as a male checking out good looking, athletic, American women, 25% of me has watched as an American rooting for the US National Team, 15% of me has watched as someone that works in sports talk radio, and 10% of has watched as someone who legitimately enjoys watching sports.

I think it’s only fair, especially with the World Cup Finals only a few days away, to rank the 5 hottest women on the US National Soccer Team.

5.) Ali Krieger



Krieger, who my cousin Colin has dibs on, scored the game winning penalty kick against Brazil and is the definition of sporty hot.


4.) Hope Solo



One of three players on the team with a pornstar name (Shannon Boxx, Stephanie Cox). Hope draws you in with those inviting eyes and to be honest I feel like she tries really hard to be attractive. She looks good with a pony tail, but not so good with her hair down. She gets the most pub because she’s the face of the team, but I think she’s still a little overrated. I also think she’d kick my ass, which could be a good thing.


3.) Carli Lloyd



Carli, who I can’t get enough of, turns 29 on Saturday and patrols the midfield for the US. She takes most of the free kicks and appears to be one of the team leaders. She’s very cute and has great (soccer) legs.


2.) Heather Mitts



I don’t think she’s seen the field in the World Cup, but I stumbled across her in compiling this list. She’s one of the older players on the roster and definitely one of the best looking. If she played a little more she’d probably be #1.


1.) Alex Morgan



I don’t there’s any debate that 22-year-old is the hottest member of the team. She is also a dynamic forward who popped her World Cup cherry with a goal against France today.


Honorable mention: Tobin Heath, Amy Rodriguez, and Lauren Cheney (only because she dates Philadelphia 76ers PG Jrue Holiday)

Back to Basics

Recently a friend of the blog suggested that I write something everyday. Now obviously 1.)she's clearly a big fan of my work and 2.) I don't have that kind of time, but if I did the posts would be very quick. I'm thinking that I might try it out for a month in the near future and see how it goess. We'll see. Either way, I tell you this because this might be my shortest blog post of all time. Think of it as a preview of what The Shampoo Effect will be almost everyday if I decide to make the leap from weekly to daily blogger (A huge step in the blogging game. For you drug enthusiasts out there, it's like going from weed to coke). Of course I would still provide a more in depth post roughly once a week, but that's neither here nor there.

As loyal readers will remember I have two daily calendars. One is a Jeopardy! calendar which helps wake up my mind everyday and the other is titled, "Do You Know Your Poo?" which puts my mind right back where it should be.

Wednesday July, 6th

The world'd longest documented human poo measured 26 feet and was produced by Michelle Hines in 2005 (so much for the notion that girls don't poop). Hines worked with a team of nutrionists and used a special plug the week before launch of this feat to prevent premature evacuation. The resulting poo was the same length as her entire colon and is almost an inch longer than the longest surviving poo.